Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?" "Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers" That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!" "And who will you be, Arnold?" "I'll be Bach."...

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Guy hears about a prostitute at a local motel, so he goes and knocks on the door...

A voice answers, asking what he wants. GUY: I want to get fucked. Voice: Sure, slide $20 under the door. The guy slides it under, stands and waits. After a few minutes pass and the door still hasn't opened, he knocks again... Guy: I said, I'm here to get fucked! Voice: What, again?...

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It's my cake day! Here is my favorite joke:

Someone's been adding soil to my garden... ...the plot thickens...

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There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!" Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about...

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Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"...

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good..! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start..?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple...

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I watched my friend die today...

Before she died she gave me her epi-pen, I think it’s something she wanted me to remember her by...

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