Military is cutting staff (repost most likely)

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k. First up was the Army general. He chose to measure between the tips of his middle fingers with his arms spread wide. Second was the Air Force, who chose the top of his head to the soles of his feet. Then came the Marine General. "I want you to measure from the tip of my dick to my balls." The men running the measuring laughed and then asked him, seriously, where he wanted to measure. "I am being serious. Now start measuring." The men tried to dissuade him but he was adamant. Finally, resigned, one of the men takes the measuring tape and goes to take the measurement. When the general removed his pants the man jumped up in alarm. "Sir! Where are your balls?!?" "IN VIETNAM!"

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Two blondes were taking a walk through a bush when they came across a set of tracks.

‘I’m sure they’re bear tracks!’, said the first blonde. ‘No, they’re deer tracks’, said the second blonde, confidently.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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Boss: Can you work this weekend?

Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends.

Boss: What time will you get here?

Me: Monday.

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I named my penis "matters"

So when my girlfriend breaks up with me I can take matters into my own hands.

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What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can still tweet.

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his testicles surgically removed...” he explains.

Exasperated, the man goes home to his wife. “Well they are really getting you down, you don’t think it might be worth considering?”.

After a few weeks the man concedes and goes in to have both testicles removed. He wakes up in the recovery area and gets dressed to go home. Miraculously, the headaches have gone!

The man skips out of the hospital and into his car. On his way home he is celebrating this revelation, and the start of a new, headache-less chapter of his life.

Giddy with happiness and relief, he decides to buy a new suit. “If I feel the part, I might as well look the part too” he thinks to himself.

He goes to a fancy tailor who begins to measure him up: “Inside leg...31 inches...waist...34 inches....”

“No” interrupts the man “I’m a 30 inch inside leg, always have been.”

The tailor raises an eyebrow and replies:

“Sir, we can cut it to that size but you might find it pinches your balls and gives you headaches.”

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A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

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