My grandfather is addicted to viagra.

My grandmother is taking it pretty hard.

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Why did the non-binary prospector move West in 1849?

Because there was gold up in them/their hills.

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How long did it take for the first guy to get covid?

He got it right off the bat

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Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish the time zones

• Why? Putin asks him.

• Ah, I can't find myself with these times:

• I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,

• I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,

• I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday,

• I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.

• Well, these are just minor awkwardness... Putin answered him.

• JUST MINOR ISSUES?!! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!

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Two men are out hunting

Two men are out hunting. One of them goes into the bushes to take a leak. A few moments later, there's a scream. The man's buddy runs up.

"What happened to you?" the buddy asks.

"A snake bit me in the dick!" he answers, pointing to said snake, kicked to death. "Call the doctors!"

The buddy picks up his phone, makes the call.

"Doctor's office, how can we help you?"

"My friend got bitten by a snake!"

"What did it look like?"

"Red with yellow stripes."

"I see. You have to suck out the poison, understand?"

"Yes, I understand."

He hangs up.

"Come on, what did they say?"

"She says you're dead, mate."

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On a nearby farm there's a cow, a chicken and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day they're sitting at the window of the house while the farmer's kid is watching MTV. They're totally grooving to the music and Horse says, "You know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center says, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."

Guy on the phone says, "No problem. Come on down."

"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."

"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments. I can teach you to play. Promise."

So Horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says, "Holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?"

And Horse says, "Bass. Learn to play bass guitar."

So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says, "Hey listen. I wanna learn to play bass guitar."

Guy on the phone says, "No problem, miss, come on down."

"Eh, there might be a problem. I'm a cow."

"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently. I can teach you to play, too. Promise."

So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. Then one day, Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says, "Damn, I wanna learn something, too. But not like that."

Horse says, "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."

So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says, "Hey listen. I wanna learn to play drums."

Guy on the phone says, "No problem, man. Come on down."

"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."

"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."

So Chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer is out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like, "What the fuck? that sounds amazing."

So he stops at the farm and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says, "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."

So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say, "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."

Horse says, "Thanks, guys. You're the best," and he takes off.

Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold. She gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down. They died in the crash. The band is done. He's lost his best friends in the whole world. And Horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself, "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."

So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says, "Hey. Why the long face?"

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Apple is planning to release a vaccum cleaner in a couple of years.

It's rumored to be the only Apple product that won't suck.

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