My grandma told me this one

A butcher goes to a barber for a haircut. When it’s time to pay, the barber declines, saying “I’’ feeling generous today, you don’t need to pay for this one”

The next morning someone knocks on the barber’s door. When he opens, it turns out to be the butcher, carrying some sausages and other meat products. He says:”This is as a thanks for the free haircut yesterday”

A few weeks later, a baker gets a haircut from the same barber, who again decides not to have him pay. The next morning the baker gifts the barber three fresh loaves of bread.

Another few weeks pass and a well-known politician who lives in the area enters the barbershop. The barber once again decides that the man doesn’t need to pay.

The next day, there’s another knock on the barber’s door. When he opens he is faced with the politician, along with his wife and children as well as several of the politician’s friends.

The barber, thinking the politician organized a party for him, says:”Hello! How can I help you?”

The politician replies: “They’re here for a free haircut”

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An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"

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Albert Einstein was sitting next to a man on a train

Trying to break the boredom, Einstein said "let's play a simple game, I ask you a question, if you can't answer, you give me $5, then you ask me a question, if I can't answer, I give you $500"

The man thought for a while and then said ok

Einstein starts by asking the man "what's Newton's third law?"

the man didn't know, so he gave Einstein $5

Then it was his turn to ask Einstein, so he says: "What goes up a mountain with one leg, and goes back down with three legs?"

Einstein spent a lot of time thinking before he decides to give up, giving the man $500

"but what's it?" asked Einstein

"I don't know" said the man, giving Einstein $5

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A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the road, I saw a rabbit. I swerved into the woods and hit a tree. I managed to escape but all the other people just didn't make it in time and the bus exploded. Everyone but me perished."

"Why did you not just run over the rabbit?" Asks the judge.

"I tried!" Says the bus driver, "But it ran into the woods!"

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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30 and no laxatives, no waiting needed, come 6.30 it's all out there by itself loose and fine."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.

So what's so tough about being 80?" " I don't wake up until 7:00!"

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How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well apparently not five because my basement is still dark

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