One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean
Thứ Năm, 12 tháng 8, 2021
A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo
A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.
After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.
The old man replies "Well there is this special voodoo dildo but-"
"Show me!" the man says.
The old man than takes out a box with some weird writings on it and takes off the lid revealing a regular looking dildo.
The man laughs and says "This looks exactly like every other dildo in this store! What makes this one special?"
To which the old man replies "Watch this! voodoo dick, the door" and the dildo jumps out of it's box and starts screwing the keyhole. The entire door started to vibrate from the dildo and before the entire door would crack the old man said "voodoo dick, the box", and the dildo went inside it's box.
The man said "Perfect! I'll take it!" and bought the voodoo dildo. He than went to his wife and told her whenever she was feeling horny to just say "voodoo dick, my pussy" and the dildo would satisfy her. He than went on his business trip.
After a few days the wife was feeling horny so she started thinking about people she could have sex with. That is when she remembered the dildo. So she got out the box and said "voodoo dick, my pussy" and the dildo jumped out the box and started thrusting her vagina. After three orgasms the wife decided it was enough. So she tries to get the dildo out but she couldn't, it kept on thrusting. Turns out the husband forgot to tell her how to stop it.
Scared she quickly get's dressed and get's in her car to go to the hospital, with the dildo still inside her thrusting and making her her entire body shake. On the way there she experiences another orgasm and swerves into the opposite lane. A police car notices this and stops her.
When the offices asks her how much she has had to drink she replies "I haven't officer. There is a voodoo dick inside of my pussy and I can't get it out so I am going to the hospital right now!"
The officer replies "voodoo dick, my ass!".
A redneck birth control
After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a empty beer can and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The guy said to the doctor, "I may not be a smart man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." He wanted a second opinion so he visited a doctor in Georgia.
That doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but seeing his patient was from Alabama, he told him to go home and get a cherry bomb light it and put it in a empty beer can and then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
Since the second doctor told him of the same procedure of the first doctor he decided that it MUST work. So the man went home, lit the cherry bomb and put it in the beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
A Jew walks into a church to see what it's all about
Before the pastor begins his sermon he exclaims: "Jews are not welcomed in this church! All Jews must leave immediately".
The Jew gets up, walks to the podium on which is standing a magnificent statue of Jesus, picks it up and says: "come on Yossle we are not welcomed here"
Thứ Tư, 11 tháng 8, 2021
A man and a woman were having sex
Her: I want you to hurt me
Him: Your sister is more successful than you
Her: Wait
Him: Not a big fan of the new haircut
Her: Stoppp
Nude blonde in a casino.
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $5,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice. Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"
So Joe had these headaches...
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
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