Two buddies are up late smoking a little weed.

The first guy says “what time is it” to which the second guy says “I’m not sure, here give me that trombone” The first guy asks “how the hell can you tell the time with a trombone?!” “It’s magic” replies his friend and as he says that he lets out a long, low belt on the trombone. He stops and waits, seemingly expecting something Suddenly a loud voice calls out from the room above “Who the fuck is playing the trombone at 3 am!?”...

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Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round. They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway. The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns around. His partner says “why’d you stop?” “Well when I got close, I realized one was my wife and one was my mistress.” The other fellow decides to go inquire on behalf of the duo. He, too, gets halfway, stops and turns around. As he comes back to his partner he says “small...

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As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...

"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!" "Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield. "Oh, fuck you," I said. The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one. "What's that one for?" "Swearing at me." "You absolute twat." Another ticket. "Pin dick!" Another. "Fucker!" Another. My wife came out of the store and stood beside me. "What's going on?" She asked. "This prick keeps writing tickets because I'm swearing at him." "What an utter bastard," she said....

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Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!"...

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A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$4.20". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing...

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room. One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned. While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse. They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke from the bong. Eventually, they detach muzzle the horse and the horse's eyes get bloodshot, it is visibly high. As a consequence, the horse starts talking: "You have awakened me", the horse says. The stoners, shocked, reply, "whoa, you can talk?" In unison. The horse proceeds...

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A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."...

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