I had sex last night, did you?

Two women are chatting in an office. Woman 1: “I had sex last night, did you?” Woman 2: “Yes.” Woman 1: “Was it good?” Woman 2: “No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?” Woman 1: “Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour...

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I asked my buddy what it's like working at Google.

Says he can't complain....

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What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common?

They both think,"Oh god, my mom is going to kill me"....

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To avoid being raped when I am in jail...

I stick a tube of toothpaste up my ass for complete cavity protection....

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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.” He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?” I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”...

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if i got a dollar for every time i think about you....

..i would start to think about you...

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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" asked the man. The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde...

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