Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase....

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My mother always used to say, "The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!" Lovely woman...

...useless surgeon....

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A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, “I’ve got your bandit just as you requested ‘dead and alive’.” The mayor says, “not ‘dead AND alive’, ‘dead OR alive’. ” The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, “I guess we should open the box then.”...

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WARNING... Dad joke ahead.

This actually just happened. Wife and Son are playing an intense game of battle ship. Son: I-8 Me: I haven’t ate... I’m hungry Wife: (not finding the humor)... miss... E-10 Me: Grammar Nazi....

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Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house?

Because it was 2 squared...

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The Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I will explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier run by here?" The nun replied, "Nope, not today sir, god bless you" After the Police ran the other direction the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, you see, I don't want to go to war in Iran." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope this isn't rude sister but you...

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My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry. Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway.....

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