There’s a squirrel sitting in an acorn tree, doing squirrel stuff...

When he notices an elephant approach and begin to climb the tree. He’s baffled and yells down ‘WHAT are you doing?!’ The elephant nonchalantly replies ‘I’m just coming up to eat oranges’. The squirrel snorts and shouts back ‘you IDIOT; this is an acorn tree!’ The elephant, now nearing the top and getting annoyed by the squirrel, snaps back ‘WELL I BROUGHT MY OWN FUCKING ORANGES!’...

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My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return....

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Why do gay people smile so much?

It's hard for them to keep a straight face....

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I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal...

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Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line....

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Girl: “Come over”

Guy: “Im coming over” Girl: “We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over”...

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Interviewer - Okay, describe yourself in 3 words

Lazy...

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