AYE MATEY!
Thứ Bảy, 28 tháng 2, 2015
Black Sheep
A missionary is sent into the deepest part of Africa to live with a tribe. One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village chief confronts the missionary: "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here, a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village!" The missionary replies, "No, no. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what is called an albino. Look over at that field. See the flock of white sheep? - and yet amongst them one of them is black. Nature does this on occasion." "Tell you what," the chief says, "I won't tell on you .. you don't tell on me."
Here is one of my favourite Iranian jokes that I've translated to English for you all, hope you like it
One day there was a king who had the the most beautiful daughter anyone had ever seen.
Everyone wanted to sleep with his daughter so he thought he would make a game of this.
King: "Anyone who can wrestle my lion and kill it will be given permission fuck my daughter"
For days men would turn up from all over the land to try and kill the lion and would fail miserably. Finally a Turkish man showed up and went into the empty arena with the lion.
They were wrestling for about 30 minutes and everyone could hear loud screams from both.
After 45 minutes the door opens and the Turkish man walks out batterer and bruised takes a deep breath, brushes off his shoulder and says "Right, so who do I have to kill?"
EDIT: sorry that some of you don't get it, Most iranian jokes are about Turks being stupid. The Turk basically goes through all of that effort and messes up the order. He thought he had to fuck the lion
A Korean and a Jew
Jew: Hey... weren't you people responsible for Pearl Harbor?
Korean: Uh... that was the Japanese. I'm Korean.
Jew: Pffft, Japanese, Chinese, Korean. What's the difference?
Korean: Well wait, weren't you people responsible for sinking the Titanic?
Jew: Uh... that was an iceberg.
Korean: Pffft, Rosenberg, Goldberg, iceberg... What's the difference?
Son asks his dad about politics..
A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."
Lion Cub Fed Only Yogurt And Bread To Stunt Its Growth Is Rescued From Circus
Veterinarians from across the world rushed to save the cub and are now trying to get it to a wildlife sanctuary in South Africa.
This is Magnus, a lion cub born in captivity who was fed nothing but yogurt and bread to stunt his growth at a Spanish circus.
Viktor Larkhill / Let's Go! Global
The lion was separated from his mother just days after birth so he could be turned into a tourist attraction for the circus, according to Let's Adopt! Global, the organization behind his rescue.
Problem is, lions gain body mass fast. So in order to keep Magnus small for as long as possible — and to maximize how long the circus could charge tourists 20 euros to take a picture with the cat — his handlers fed him nothing but a mix of yogurt and bread, rescuers said.
The inadequate diet, though, led to potentially deadly complications, arresting the development of Magnus' bones and muscles. Eventually, he developed Stenosis of the Esophagus — essentially narrowing of the esophagus passage — which made it impossible for him to normally ingest food.
Basically, having never had solid food, his esophagus had narrowed to the point of being practically impassible.
Viktor Larkhill / Let's Go! Global
Instead, Spanish authorities seized the cub and brought him to a veterinarian clinic.
Unfortunately, Magnus had already deteriorated to the point where he needed surgery, otherwise he'd be unable to properly ingest food and die.
The local veterinarian, however, didn't have the money to pay for the procedure and contacted Let's Adopt! Global, a group based in Turkey. The organization immediately launched a campaign to raise the necessary money.
Watch This Tearful Reunion Between A 10-Year-Old Boy And His Missing Cat
Jared and Clyde, best friends forever.
Jared, a 10-year-old autistic boy was devastated when his beloved 11-year-old cat Clyde went missing. 12 days later, Jared came home to discover that Clyde had been found by a neighbor, and all was right in the world!
The video was originally uploaded by Jared's mom back in 2010 and is picking up steam again thanks to a re-post on Rumble Viral.
youtube.com / Via youtube.com
Jared and Clyde have been together since they were both just babies! Jared's mom, Terri Parbs shared this photo of baby Jared and kitten Clyde with BuzzFeed:
Terri Parbs
Rumble Viral
An unemployed engineer opens a clinic...
He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.
Meet The One Man Responsible For All Your Favorite Pop-Punk Records
From the Used and Good Charlotte to Ashlee Simpson and 5 Seconds of Summer, producer extraordinaire John Feldmann spills all.
Meet John Feldmann.
You may think you don't know him, but you totally do. The man has had a hand in some of the most important pop-punk (and pop, looking at you, Ashlee Simpson, Hilary Duff, and Mandy Moore) records of the last two decades, perfecting a millennial sound all-too familiar: Loud live drums, a focus on vocal performance, raw guitars and bass. He started as the frontman of the iconic '90s pop-punk band Goldfinger and has since produced everyone from Good Charlotte, The Used, Cute is What We Aim For, Circa Survive’s Anthony Green, Saosin, Four Year Strong, Plain White T's, Panic! at the Disco, Neon Trees, All Time Low, Escape the Fate…the list goes on and on.
BuzzFeed Music sat down with the pop-punk prodigy—you know, in between recording with up-and-coming girl group Sweet Suspense and Aussie dreamboats 5 Seconds of Summer—to hear tale of some of the biggest and most important bands and releases he's ever worked on.
John Feldmann (left) / Via instagram.com
Showoff - Showoff (1999)
"There was never a decision [to become a full-time producer.] I knew I could make Showoff, the Chicago pop-punk band, the first band I ever produced; I knew I could make them sound better," Feldmann tells BuzzFeed Music. "They opened for Goldfinger at the Fireside Bowl, a punk rock bowling alley in Chicago. They gave me a cassette tape, and in my walkman on the plane back from Chicago I thought, 'Wow, this does not sound like the same band that I saw.' I called them up and had them come out to my house in LA. I borrowed a friend’s two-inch, 24-track tape machine and I recorded three songs. We shot that demo to a bunch of labels and got them signed to Maverick Records in 1998, which was Madonna's label at the time."
Mest - Wasting Time (2000)
"[Showoff] were friends with another band called Mest from Chicago. We played the Metro and they opened for us and I said the same thing. I took them to LA. I knew I could make their demo sound better. I did and I got them signed to Maverick, too. It all just kind of happened because I was just showing up and trying to help these guys. I didn't really know it was going to be a career because neither Showoff nor Mest really became—Mest had a gold album in Japan, but they didn't turn into Green Day or anything."
The Used - The Used (2002)
"Goldfinger was in Salt Lake City and Bert [McCraken] from the Used somehow weaseled onto our tour bus and chucked a CD at us. Our tour manager literally picked him up and threw him on his face out of the bus. I just thought this annoying kid—you know when you're on the road you meet all these sorts of weirdos, it wasn't like he was absurdly creepy—he just ran onto our bus and threw this demo. I listened to it and as soon as I heard his voice I knew exactly what was there.
"They're seminal. They were the turning point in everything in my entire career and me for them. What are the symbiotic relationships with the whale sharks and the fish that attach to them? I was the fish attached, and without that fish the whale shark is going to get sick. Without me helping to really define the sound...there was such a thing as post-hardcore at that point but nobody sang. Nobody sang like Michael Jackson. Nobody had these hooks like Bert wanted to do. Michael Jackson was his all-time favorite. That was what I knew I could make different. I could make this crazy post-hardcore sound with these amazing pop hooks and Bert would give it his all, vomiting three or four times a session."
These 29 Asshole Cats Are Sitting On Top Of The Goddamn Fridge
And they are not getting down.
Hey, what are you doing up there?
Come on, get down.
Don't strike a defiant pose with me, buddy.
Seriously, you're not even gonna look at me when I'm speaking to you?
Can You Watch This Video Without Smiling?
We don’t think you can. Prove us wrong, and check out BuzzFeed’s new Cute Or Not app!
BuzzFeed Yellow / Via youtube.com
LINK: Based on this adorable post.
This world has become disgusting!
I was offered sex today, with a 21 year old girl. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on reddit. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajox, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.
Thứ Sáu, 27 tháng 2, 2015
A Blonde,Brunette,and a Redhead..
A Blonde,Brunette,and a Redhead decide to check their daughters bags,
All 3 of them found condoms in their respective daughters bags.
The Brunette was stunned and said :" We're a catholic family, It is a sin to have premarital sex "
The Redhead said "Its Good to see my girl is using protection, Because prevention is better than cure !".
The Blonde said: " OH MY GOD, MY DAUGHTER HAS A PENIS "
A snail gets mugged
A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."
So Bob goes to the doctor
Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional." With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" said Bob.
An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
Kittens Do Things For The First Time
Can you handle this level of cute? Check out BuzzFeed’s new Cute Or Not app!
BuzzFeedVideo / Via youtu.be
LINK: Check out BuzzFeed's new Cute Or Not app!
An Irishman, a Greek, and a Jew die and stand at the gates of heaven
The keeper of the gates tells them "Well, you have all lived pretty decent lives, but you all fall victim to your respective stereotypes. So here's what's going to happen. You all will go back down to earth for 24 hours and you must avoid your weaknesses. "Irishman, alcohol cannot touch your lips. "Jew, you cannot touch money. "And Greek, if you even think about having sex... "You go straight to hell." So they all find themselves back on earth. They go about their day just find, until they pass by a pub. The Irishman shakes and shakes. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" he cries. He runs into the bar and orders a beer. As soon as he takes his first sip, he disappears into a puff of smoke. The Jew and the Greek look at each other in disbelief. They leave the pub and walk a little bit. Then they spot a crisp $100 bill on the ground. The jew shakes and shakes. "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" he cries. He runs over to the bill, bends over and they both go to hell.
Brunette goes to the doctor
A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
Wife texts husband, "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband replies, "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife sends back 5 minutes later, "Computer is really messed up now."
How The "Fifty Shades Of Grey" Soundtrack Got So Good
Universal Pictures.
The surprise success story of the ever-expanding Fifty Shades of Grey franchise isn’t the film adaptation, which needed only two weeks to draw BDSM-curious viewers to the tune of over $400 million worldwide, but the film’s soundtrack — a sexy/cool compilation that recently became the fastest-selling multi-act soundtrack in a decade. Featuring original music by Beyoncé, Sia, The Weeknd, and Ellie Goulding, the album, released by Republic Records, sold more than 428,000 units in its first two weeks, according to Nielsen Music, and this week sends two hit singles to the top 10 of the Billboard Hot 100 (Goulding’s “Love Me Like You Do,” No. 3; and The Weeknd’s “Earned It,” No. 9).
Most impressive of all? It’s actually good. Where many critics argued that the novel and film versions of Fifty Shades succeeded in spite of themselves, the soundtrack has been widely received as an artistic achievement as well as a commercial one. Created out of an ambitious collaboration between Republic and Universal Pictures, the album is something of a throwback to the golden era of movie soundtracks in the late 20th century — Juice, Romeo + Juliet — with several original songs deployed during key plot moments.
“We really wanted the songs to be part of the fiber of the film — nothing crowbarred in or just auxiliary to the experience,” said Mike Knobloch, president of film music and publishing at Universal. “There was a very deliberate effort to create as much original material as possible, to tailor the production, the lyrics, and the performance.”
Work on the Fifty Shades soundtrack began nearly two years ago, with meetings between Knobloch’s division at Universal, director Sam Taylor-Johnson, independent music supervisor Dana Sano, and the entire Republic A&R team. Given the market potential of the franchise (the book has sold over 110 million copies worldwide), the group allowed itself to indulge in what Knobloch characterizes as “blue sky” conversations — with no artist, no matter how large, considered to be off the table. “If we could get anyone,” Knobloch recalls thinking, “Who would we get?"
Further spurring early meetings was the unique role music plays in Fifty Shades as originally written by E.L. James. Billionaire Christian Grey’s seduction of virginal literature student Anastasia Steele is peppered with specific music cues, including several classical pieces and songs by contemporary artists ranging from Bruce Springsteen to Britney Spears.
“We were thinking of artists that would be in everyone’s own little personal playlist as they were reading the books,” said Tom McKay, general manager and head of film and television at Republic. “They had to be able to convey a vibe that was sensual and soulful, a certain taste, texture, and tenor.”
Universal Pictures.
The group compiled a list of dream artists, many of whom were not signed to Republic or its parent Universal Music Group, and began making calls to managers, labels, and publishers. Despite the cultural and commercial momentum of the franchise, there were significant challenges. One problem was typical of soundtracks: At any given moment, many artists are simply unavailable due to the time constraints of their own touring or promotional schedules. But there were also particular issues related to the book itself, considered by some to be either too racy or too lowbrow. Knobloch and McKay say there were a few, though not many, artists who turned them down flat.
Ultimately, 12 artists and 14 songs, all but two original, were chosen for the soundtrack, with two additional pieces of score composed by Danny Elfman. Beyoncé was among the first calls.
“I think we made a pretty good pitch,” said Knobloch of approaching Queen Bey, whose smoldering reinterpretation of her hit “Crazy in Love,” produced by Boots, appeared in the first trailer for the film as well as on the soundtrack. “She’s being offered amazing things on a daily basis, but we gave her a compelling explanation of why the movie was going to be huge and why we felt we were making a great film that was going to do really well on a global scale. She thought it was an opportunity to do something that aligned nicely with her brand and agenda.”
To lure Sia, the Australian singer/songwriter of “Chandelier” fame, Knobloch and Sano visited her at home with a laptop and played the scene they had in mind on-site. It’s a pivotal moment, when the two protagonists have an ecstatic and intimate first sexual encounter.
“She played us songs and we would say, ‘That's good, but could it be more of this, or less of that?’” said Knobloch. “By the end we left her spinning her wheels about what she had to do to deliver just the right song to us for the film.”
Eric Charbonneau / Invision / AP Images
Ellie Goulding’s dream-pop ballad “Love Me Like You Do,” the result of a call from McKay to super producer Max Martin’s manager, is the soundtrack’s biggest commercial breakthrough and a fixture on Top 40. But arguably the artist to have benefited the most from the project is The Weeknd, a post-radio lothario who, prior to writing “Earned It” for Fifty Shades (released in January and nearing 58 million streams on Spotify), had never produced a hit single.
With a large, loyal fan base and a reputation as a fierce steward of his own image, The Weeknd could have phoned in his contribution, focusing instead on lucrative touring prospects or his own pending new album. But, as was the case with others involved in creating the soundtrack, he decided to take the opposite route.
“He was unbelievable during this process,” said Mckay. “Our A&R staff brought him in very, very early and he worked on a number of songs for a number of scenes. Some were working and some weren’t, but he just kept at it, and kept at it, and kept at it. In the end, he wrote ‘Earned It’ and it’s the biggest song of his career to date. It’s the only song that’s in the movie twice.”
Premiere: Hot Sugar Does Terrible Things In New "Sinkies" Video
“You can get away with horrific crimes in broad daylight without getting caught if you smile politely,” he tells BuzzFeed Music.
Nick Koenig a.k.a. Hot Sugar’s new video for his song “Sinkies” is a drug-fueled trip down a wormhole styled by Harmony Korine.
Nick Koenig a.k.a. Hot Sugar
Shore Fire Media
It’s ultimately about love, lost connections, and how we communicate and survive in the age of the internet. But it starts with some good old-fashioned dog homicide.
"When we were filming, during one of the takes, a business man came up to us and said 'I have a bulldog just like him,' Hot Sugar tells BuzzFeed Music via email. "The camera was across the street so there was no way of assuming that what we were doing was for a film. When he realized the dog I was holding was attached to a terrified old lady's arm (while she held up a wad of cash in the other hand), he looked back at me disappointingly and continued his walk down the street shaking his head. You can get away with horrific crimes in broad daylight without getting caught if you smile politely."
The lady ultimately pays up and the dog -- a Frenchie named Morticia that, Hot Sugar says, is "the price of a small car" -- goes thankfully unharmed.
Scottish Flirting
A couple went out to the pub in Scotland for a few drinks. The boyfriend went to the loo, leaving his girlfriend alone at the bar.
A sauced fellow approaches her at the bar. "Wow," he says in his thick accent, "you're so beautiful! If yous was my girlfriend, I'd kiss ye all over!"
The girl, offended, retorts, "Ye can't say that to me! When my boyfriend comes back, he'll beat ye on up!"
The man says, "That's not all! If yous was me girlfriend, I'd take yer shirt off and slap yer titties around!"
She says, "Ye can't say that to me! When me boyfriend comes back, he'll beat ye on up!"
He says, "Well that's not all! If yous was me girlfriend, I'd fill your pussy with beer and drink it all up!"
She says, essentially shouting now, "Ye can't say that to me! When me boyfriend comes back, he'll beat your ass bloody!"
The man leaves, walking across the bar as the girl's boyfriend returns from the loo. She tells him everything the man said to her. "Ye won't believe what this man said to me! He said if he was me boyfriend, he'd kiss me all over!"
The boyfriend says, enraged, "Where is this fucker? I'll beat him on up!"
She says, "That's not all! He said if he was me boyfriend, he'd take me shirt off and slap me titties around!"
"I'll kick this lad's ass up through his neck," her boyfriend seethes.
"That's not all!" says the girlfriend, "he said if he was me boyfriend he'd fill me pussy with beer and drink it all up!"
The boyfriend goes silent and throws a bill on the bar. "C'mon honey, we're leaving."
"Why?" she says, "I thought you were gonna beat him bloody!"
"Honey," he says, looking her in the eye. "I won't be fightin' a man that can drink that much beer."
Thứ Năm, 26 tháng 2, 2015
Three people in the Amazon forest get caught by a tribe...
They were being held by the tribesmen outside the village. The head tribesman who speaks English tells them, "You have trespassed into our territory. As we are a considerate folk, you have the option to choose either Jhingalala for a minute or Death. You can give me your choice when you are summoned into the village for your judgement"
They all agreed that they didn't want to die and decided to go for Jhingalala. The first guy gets summoned to the village, gives his choice. The head tribesman yells ,"JHINGALALA!" which was followed by the most painful screams of the man. After a minute, he gets ushered away, as he continues to scream, into the forest to be released.
The second guy is summoned, the head tribesman yells "JHINGALALA!" and the same event unfolds. Scared, the third guy tries to look through the foliage to understand what Jhingalala was and to his horror, he saw one tribesman shoving a spiked rod up the rear end of the man as the head tribesman watches. As the second guy was being ushered away, he yells "Choose death! It's not worth it!"
The last man gets summoned. After seeing that horrific sight, he was ready to die. Death would be quick and the agony wouldn't be as much.
The head tribesman asked him which punishment he would like to choose. He replies, "Death."
The head tribesman yells, "JHINGALALA TILL HE DIES!"
An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..
An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.
Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?"
The Russian: "The Indian, of course".
Hot Australian Zoologist Guy Takes Baths With Animals
That is literally what this post is.
Meet Chris Humfrey. Chris is your regular Aussie guy. He spends his time hanging out, pondering his own purpose in life, and taking baths with crocodiles.
This is Chris with "Snappy Tom," a four-year-old crocodile that, y'know, could kill him.
Jay Town / Jay Town/Newspix / Rex/REX USA
Chris understands (as most Australians do) that on top of a balanced diet and regular exercise, it is also important to make sure your crocodile is clean.
That is not a euphemism. It is literally important for Chris to keep his literal crocodile clean.
Jay Town / Jay Town/Newspix / Rex/REX USA
Why does Chris do this? Chris cares for over 2,000 animals at his Wild Action Zoo in Macedon, Australia.
At this time, BuzzFeed is unsure if he bathes with every animal under his care.
Jay Town / Jay Town/Newspix / Rex/REX USA
Probably as a result of his constant bathing schedule, Chris has very clean feet – pictured here – and also takes the time out of his day to teach school kids about animals. What a guy.
Jay Town / Jay Town/Newspix / Rex/REX USA
The Happiest Dog In The World Who Overcame Cancer
Gluta was a stray dog in Thailand who was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Thanks to her adoptive family, she now lives the healthiest and happiest of lives.
Say hello to Gluta, an adorable cancer survivor!
After she was rescued from her life as a stray, it was discovered she had metritis, a condition that affects the uterus. When doctors removed the uterus, her problems didn't quite stop: they found out she had cervical cancer. Luckily, she was able to undergo chemotherapy and have the tumor removed.
Now, she's living the healthiest and happiest life possible, alongside her brother Gollum.
gluta.tumblr.com / Via Facebook: GlutaStory
Gluta's the smiliest and sunniest sunflower in the whole patch!
Three men turn up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.
Saint Peter asks the three men: ' Did you commit any adultery during your lifetime?'
'NEVER! I have lived a pure and virtuous life!', The first man shouts. 'All right, you may enter heaven en drive a golden Ferrari for eternity!', Saint Peter says.
The second man says: ' Well you know... I've had a fling with my secretary. But, I am remorseful'. 'For this sin, you shall drive a golden Ford for all eternity', Saint Peter says.
The third man states: ' I have not lived faithful. I've cheated on my wife at every chance I've had. Yet, I am remorseful.' 'For this debauchery, you must ride this golden bicycle for all eternity!', Saint Peter says.
After a few months up in Heaven, the three men gather to talk. The third man looks pale and shocked. 'What's up with you? Don't you like your golden bicycle?', the two others ask.
'It's not that...', the third man whimpers, ' I just saw the Pope pass me by on golden roller skates.'
NOTE: I've translated this from my own language, so I don't know if it comes across quite right.
This Is How You Can Tell If You Have The Cutest Pet
BuzzFeed’s insanely popular Cute Or Not feature now has its very own app and it is AWESOME. To download the free app and see who’s cute, who’s not, and how your own pet measures up, go here!
It's called Cute or Not, and you can download it for free here.
Legally Mandated Warning: If your personal life philosophy prevents you from enjoying things that are (a) Adorable, (b) Cute, © Precious, (d) Huggable, or (e) All fo the above, this app may not be for you.
While it is true that there may be some animals on the app that are objectively not all that cute, we are frankly dealing with a whole lot of Cute and probably not a whole lot of Not.
For the rest of us, here's what you can expect ...
There were two buddies out walking their dogs...
One with a Doberman pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua, when they smelled something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.
The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of dark glasses and walks into the restaurant, when the restaurant owner comes up and says, "Sorry pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman replies, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye dog."
The owner , skeptical, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The Dobermans master says, "Yes, they're using them now- they're very good and they protect me from robbers, too." The owner says, "Come on in."
When the man with the Chihuahua sees this, he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the restaurant owner says , " Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing Eye dog."
"A Chihuahua?" Says the owner.
The man with the dog replies,
"A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?!
Kids these days
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
A family is sitting around the dinner table (dirty joke)
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, understandably surprised, answers, "Well son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a women's breasts are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears: still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
The daughter glares at her father and then asks, "Mom how many kinds of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and replies, "Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases. In a man's 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s to 40s it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter.
"Yes," said the mother. "Dead from root to tip and the balls are just for decoration."
Jon is having "stamina" trouble with his wife.
So one night, he asks his good friend Billy for advice.
"Billy, I just can't stay hard. I come too soon. I don't know what to do."
"Once you're hard, slam your dick on the dresser a few times. It'll be so numb, you won't feel a thing, and will go for hours!"
Jon gets hard just thinking about it. He goes home, gets naked, and starts slamming his dick against his wooden dresser with a THUD THUD THUD, when he hears his wife's voice from the bathroom -
"Billy, is that you?"
There is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
A girl and her sniper rifle.
I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.
Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic, old-time sniper from back in the WWII era. Beautiful old thing. She learned to fire it at age 12, could hit targets at 100 meters by age 15. She ended up entering some sharpshooting competition around the area.
This one competition was particularly important to her because it was sponsored by a soda company. The prize was a year's supply of any soda the winner wanted. Of course, my friend entered for that delicious lemon-lime goodness. So she hefted her trusty old sniper over to the field.
There were 16 contestants so the competition was a single-elimination bracket. The rules were simple. Stand behind the line, aim and fire. If you hit it, the target got pushed back a few meters. If you miss and the other guy hits it, you're out.
Well my friend easily blew most of the competitors out of the water. Punks couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. She completely cleared out her side of the bracket with almost no competition.
It came down to the final round. She was up against Jackson.
At 6 foot 6, this guy was an intimidating foe. Even with those catcher's glove-sized hands he still wielded his rifle with the grace of a ballerina. Completely wiped out his side of the bracket. It was getting tense.
He fired off first. 50 meters. Easy. Her next. 50 meters. Easy. And then him. 100 meters. Easy. Her. 100 meters. Easy. 150. Harder. 200. Harder. 300. Barely made it.
But it came down to the wire. Two bottles, 400 meters down the field. Jackson stepped up first, sweat dripping down his face. He fired.
BANG.
CRACK.
The bullet nicked the side, shattering the target. But you could see the Jackson's nervousness. It was clear that he would not be able to hit the next target. It was up to Sierra now.
She was sweating buckets. It all came down to this. If she could tap that glass even slightly, she'd be looking at a year's supply of her favorite soft drink.
She lined up her shot. Stared down the sights. The audience looked on in anticipation. Her lemon-lime drinks were on the line. This was all she needed.
BANG.
.
.
.
Nothing. Her soda was gone.
Sierra missed.
A policeman searched me last night...
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"
Here's The REAL Reason America Expanded To The West
All thanks to Thomas Jefferson, president/paleontologist/sloth-rider.
This is Horace Greeley.
A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board
Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.
"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."
The first person steps up and thinks for a moment. He says "You know God, I've been ugly all my life. For once I would like to know what it is like to be beautiful. Make me beautiful." So God snaps his fingers and it is so.
Everyone else starts chattering amongst themselves at such a brilliant idea. They all start wishing for the same thing.
God steps up to the last guy in line who is laying on his side laughing so hard he is crying. After several minutes of patiently waiting, God finally says "Now what in Heaven could be so funny boy?" The man stands up, wipes a tear from his eye and says "Make them all ugly again."
Thứ Tư, 25 tháng 2, 2015
One day, terrorists attacked a village [NSFW]
Warning : A joke from my own language. Terrible grammar ahead.
They took the men of village as hostages. The head of terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of terrorists. He put bandage to women's eyes and told men to lose their pants. Terrorist turned to the women and said "You are going to touch every penis one by one. If you find your husband, that couple will be saved. If you cant find, wife and husband will die." After that, first woman started to check penises one by one, "Not this, not this, husbaand!" She found right and both were spared. Then second woman came, "Not this, not this, not this, nope, husbaaand!" She was also right, both were again spared. Third one, "Not this, not this, not this,... , husbaand!" Again right. This situation continued to appear. As a result, terrorist got bored and entered the queue. Next women came and started, "Not this, not this, not this, not from village, not this, not this, husbaand!"
18 Animals Who Could Use A Little More Sleep
These yawns are both cute and contagious.
"Shove a coffee at me."
"There is a big possibility that I'm currently sleeping with my eyes open."
"It's still too early for me to walk, clearly."
"MY EYES WILL JUST STAY OPEN AND AWAKE UNTIL MY SOUL IS ALSO OPEN AND AWAKE."
Premiere: Watch Sam Rockwell Dance Like No One's Watching In Flight Facilities' New Video
This guy can seriously dance.
This is Flight Facilities, an aeronautics-obsessed Australian production duo known for suave but funky electronic pop (see "Crave You" and "Stand Still") that shifts gears between subtle and soaring.
Future Classic / Glassnote.
And this is Sam Rockwell, a respected actor known for daring roles in such films as Moon, Seven Psycopaths, and Choke.
Glassnote.
Rockwell is also known to be a bit of a cutup on the dancefloor, with impressive moves you may remember from his multiple appearances on The Tonight Show.
A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to the recently married couple's house.
She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."
The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
Off With The Panties
Two neighbor women are taking their weekly walk together, when one of the women begins to complain about the heat.
The other lady states, "I took my panties off three blocks ago, and now I'm much cooler. You should really try it." "I don't know. That seems kind of weird, but I guess I'll try it" the first lady replied.
After a couple blocks, she confesses that the wind making its way up her skirt is refreshing indeed.
Two blocks later, the women notice another woman sitting on her porch, eating watermelon. The woman is also wearing a skirt, and undoubtedly has no underwear on.
The first lady exclaims "Isn't it so much cooler to sit outside with no panties on?!" The woman replies "I don't know about being cooler, but it sure keeps the flies away from the watermelon!"
True Story.
My wife and I were shopping with her parents. Lovely people, who had just booked a holiday to New York to visit my brother in-law, who is expecting his first child. In preparation for this they needed to buy new luggage. We were walking around the shopping centre and had a few bags by the time the luggage was bought so we decided to fill the suitcase with them, which my father-in-law rolled about with ease. As the day came to close and we headed for the car my wife turned and said, 'You know what Daddy? We should take you and that bag with us every time we go shopping.' To which he replied, 'Don't talk about your mother like that.'
So this black kid was playing in the kitchen right..
He accidentally knocked a bag of flour off the shelf and it went all over him.
His mom came in the kitchen and he decided to make a joke of it. "Look Mom, I'm white!" he said.
His mom slapped him across the cheek. "I can't believe you just said that boy, go tell your father what you just said."
Surprised and a little hurt, he walked over to his Dad in the TV room and said "Hey look Dad... I'm white!"
When his Dad heard that, he flat out punched the kid. Square in the face. The kid was shocked and confused. The Dad said "Boy that's the worst shit I've ever heard, go and show your grandma what you did and tell her what you said.
So the kid begrudgingly walked upstairs and walked into his Grandma's bedroom. "Hey Grandma look, I'm white..."
...and his Grandma just pummeled him. Relentlessly. So hard that both the kids' parents had came upstairs to break up the beating.
They all stood around him and asked him "Yeah well how do you feel about making that joke now?"
The kid just looked up at them and said "...Well I've only been white for 10 minutes, and I hate all you niggers already!"
Accounting Joke (from my professor)
Warning: This may be rather unfunny to most people
A priest, a lawyer, and an accountant were all at the bedside of a very ill man. The man said to them,
"Gentlemen, I'm dying. Before I go, however, I want to ask you one final favor: My family is rotten and I don't want to give any of them an inheritance. I would like to be buried with the remainder of my money." He then hands the priest, the lawyer, and the accountant three envelopes that contain $100,000 each.
"While my coffin is being lowered into the earth, please throw each of the envelopes in. Don't tell anyone what's inside the envelopes."
So the three men leave. Sure enough, one week later, the man dies. During the funeral, the three men toss the envelopes into the grave whilst the coffin was being lowered. After the funeral, the three men go to a cafe to discuss the life of the old man. The priest says,
"I have a confession: I took $10,000 from my envelope. But I used it to fix up the children's home. The old man was always very generous and loved the children. I'm sure he wouldn't mind seeing where his money went."
The lawyer pipes in,
"Well, I also have a confession: I took $30,000 as payment of a personal loan he borrowed from me years ago."
The accountant, looking rather shocked, says,
"I cannot believe you two! I wrote a personal check that covered the whole thing!"
The nice old lady..
An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.
Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."
Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"
Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P
3 Nuns at the Pearly Gates (very mildly NSFW)
3 nuns are in a bus in Colombia, which due to budget cuts breaks it's axle, rolls over, and kills them all. When they come to, they realize that the three of them are in a cloud-filled place standing in front of an elderly man at a dais, behind whom are enormous, gold-plated gates, which at the moment are closed.
The man says to them "Welcome, my friends, to the Pearly Gates. My names is Peter, and I am the gatekeeper".
The nuns, thinking that they have devoted their lives to the service of God, are relieved to find out that this is where they are. As they step forward, Peter says "you three have been such devoted servants of the lord that we will all rejoice to have you in heaven... given that you can answer one question each."
The nuns are, understandably, taken aback. Peter asks, "So, who would like to go first?"
Two of the nuns step back, leaving the third standing in front.
Peter asks "So, my friend, what is the name of the first man?"
The nun doesn't even have to think... "That's an easy one - Adam". The bells ring, the angels sing, and the first of the three is welcomed to heaven.
At this, the 2nd nun steps forward, having a bit more confidence. Peter asks... "What is the name of the first woman?" The nun answers, without hesitation "That's an easy one - Eve". The bells ring, the angels sing, and she too is admitted to eternal glory.
Finally, the last nun is at this point relieved that the questions seem to be such trivial pieces of knowledge to those so pious as them, so she steps forward. Peter asks... "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam".
The last nun then quakes a bit as she realizes that this question, unlike the others, isn't quite as trivial. She bites on her lip as she says "Oooh... that's a hard one..."
The bells ring, the angels sing, and the last nun enters the realm of eternal glory as well.
There's "No Truth" To Those Reports That Taylor Swift's Mother Won't Let Her Play Brazil
In a statement to BuzzFeed News, a representative for Swift denied a viral story that the singer avoids “third-world countries” on the advice of her mother.
A spokesperson for the international pop star told BuzzFeed News Tuesday that "there is absolutely no truth" to reports that Swift has declined invitations to play concerts in Brazil because her mother won't let her perform in "third world countries."
Astrid Stawiarz / Getty Images
The story originated with an unsourced quote in a story reported by the Brazilian news network Globo and exploded on social media shortly after.
Globo / Via oglobo.globo.com
A Student-Debt Revolt Begins
A Student-Debt Revolt Begins
Corinthian was one of the world’s largest for-profit operators of colleges; at its height, in 2010, more than a hundred thousand students were enrolled in its schools. These days, the company can hardly be said to exist.
February 24, 2015 at 10:59AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/17qDnfQ
Premiere: Mako And Madison Beer Rewind Time In The "I Wont Let You Walk Away" Lyric Video
The dance-pop upstarts light a spark in their new video, premiering on BuzzFeed.
Ultra Music
Ultra Music
Originally released as an instrumental track called “Sunburst," the song only became a radio-ready pop anthem after Madison, a protege of Justin Bieber’s, got involved.
Mako told BuzzFeed News the idea to add vocals came from "a pretty overwhelming request" from fans. "We started sketching ideas and hunting for the right singer," the duo said an in email. "When Madison entered the conversation, it felt like the perfect fit."
This Is What It's Really Like Backstage At The BRITs
Spoiler alert: Includes a fairground, secret rooms, photobooths and a shit load of free make up.
The BRIT Awards is always a pretty spectacular night of glamour and music.
But what goes on behind-the-scenes is pretty much reserved for the celebs. However, I managed to go backstage at the o2 arena and see all the stuff that people much richer and famous will be enjoying. Here's what I learned.
Anthony Harvey / Getty Images
Thứ Ba, 24 tháng 2, 2015
Premiere: Pop Enigma Who Is Fancy Says Hello With "Goodbye" Music Video
Who Is Fancy? A first official music video peels back the curtain.
First referenced by Borchetta in a September iHeartRadio festival report from Billboard touting Big Machine's next crossover act, Fancy has closely guarded his identity, on social media and neither Big Machine, nor Republic Records (which has signed on in a joint venture), will spill the beans. "Who Is Fancy is an artist that wants to celebrate the artistry and songwriting, while not focusing on whom he is at first, allowing the music to truly speak for itself," the label told us in a statement.
A kiss-off anthem with a heart as big as its hook, it didn't take long for "Goodbye" to catch on.
16 Adorable Tips On Living Your Best Life
Sass = IMPORTANT.
Try to compliment nature's beauty with your own by standing regally near it.
Only spend time with those you love.
Kiss who you wanna kiss.
Remember that it's okay to lay down the law once in a while.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Drop Everything, Ed Sheeran Covered Christina Aguilera's "Dirrty"
Uh oh, here we go!
Ed Sheeran stopped by BBC Radio 1's Live Lounge this morning and surprised everyone with an amazing cover of Christina Aguilera's "Dirrty."
BBC Radio 1
Watch the full cover and see Ed get a ~little naughty~ now!
Christina Aguilera's Britney Spears Impression Will Blow Your Mind
Slay, my dear shantay you stay!
Christina Aguilera was a guest on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and they played a game called "Wheel of Musical Impressions."
NBC
First, she killed it as Cher singing the "Folgers Coffee" Jingle.
NBC
But it was her next spin that really turned heads.
NBC
And needless to say, her impression was on point.
NBC
One Wednesday, a teacher says to her students,
"Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day." Naturally the entire class sits up and pays attention at the possibility of skipping the whole day, particularly the class nerd.
She slams her hand on the desk for emphasis and says, "How many drops of water are there in the ocean?"
Naturally, none of the kids have the answer to such an abstract question. The teacher smugly tells them, "I guess we're all staying, then!"
The next day, the teacher makes the same offer. "Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day." She slams her hand on her desk for emphasis and asks, "How many grains of sand are there in the desert?"
Naturally, nobody can answer, and the teacher smugly tells them that everybody will be staying. The class nerd decides he's had enough.
At the end of the day, he gets a fistful of ping-pong balls from the gym, paints them black, and wedges them under the edge of the teacher's desk so no one will be able to see them.
The next day, the teacher makes her announcement as usual. "Whoever can answer this next question can go home for the day!" And as she slams her hand on the desk, the ping-pong balls are shaken loose and bounce all over the room to the delight of the entire class.
Infuriated, the teacher demands, "All right, who's the comedian with the black balls?!"
"Eddie Murphy," says the nerd. "See ya Monday, bitch."
Meet Some Of The Hardest Working Dogs In The World
These are some pretty good dogs.
These gorgeous portraits of some very awesome dogs with jobs were done by photographer Andrew Fladeboe.
A mobility dog trains at a prison in Auckland, New Zealand.
Andrew Fladeboe / Via theshepherdsrealm.com
Montana is an epilepsy dog who is capable of detecting epileptic seizures in his owner between 30-60 minutes before they occur.
Andrew Fladeboe / Via theshepherdsrealm.com
Fladeboe has spent time photographing animals in the Netherlands, the Highlands of Scotland, southern France, and Norway.
This is Clauson, he's a biosecurity dog training to detect things like narcotics and explosives at Auckland International Airport.
Andrew Fladeboe / Via theshepherdsrealm.com
A LANDSAR search and rescue dog training at a camp at the Mesopotamia station located on the South Island of New Zealand.
Andrew Fladeboe / Via theshepherdsrealm.com
Drunken juggling
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
What body part grows 10 times its size when stimulated?
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.
Boyfriend tries to be playful, ends up with a shock
Last night as I was finishing up on the computer, my boyfriend quietly walked over to where I was sitting. I could hear him shuffling things around in his flannel pj pants, and as he stood next to me, he decided to plop his dick on my shoulder playfully. Well, the humidifier hasn't been fixed yet and our house is full of static...and I heard the snap before I felt it. I look up and he has this horrible twisted look on his face and says "Noooo" as he walks away cradling his fun parts. When I stop laughing he tells me "Whatever! There's no one you can tell anyway!" Challenge accepted. Hello Reddit.
A drunk man is leaning against a lightpost on the corner of a busy street.
Whilst gazing blearily around, he notices a smartly dressed young man standing a few feet away, watching the people pass by. As the drunk is watching, a lovely lady comes walking along, and the young man says something to her. She immediately smiles, shakes her head, and takes his hand. The two of them together go up the stairs of a nearby row house, and inside.
A short while later, the two come back down the stairs, grinning from ear to ear. They embrace affectionately, and the lady departs.
This happens several times in the next few hours with different ladies. Some ladies frowned, but after some further words from the young man, merely nodded their heads and walked on. The drunk strained his ears to hear what was being said, but couldn't make it out. Finally, his curiosity overcame his need for vertical support, and he stumbled over to the young man.
Drunk: Shay, bud. Wha' goin on?
Young man: Yes, I saw you watching; I wondered when you would come over. Well, it's like this. I watch the people. When I see a lady that takes my fancy, I walk up to her and say, softly, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" If she is agreeable to the idea, we go upstairs to my room, and have a good time. If she becomes upset, I merely say, "Typical nasty weather." She assumes that she misheard me the first time - no harm done. I can't lose!
Drunk: (now swaying) Thas a grate idea! Ill have to run home and try it mysel.
So the drunk wobbles to his own home and stands leaning against the fence. Soon a very lovely lady comes strolls by, and the drunk decides that this is his chance. He stumbles over to the lady and grabs her arm.
Lady: Yes?
Drunk: HEY BABE, C'N I STICK A FEATHER UP YOUR ASS?
Lady: WHAT?
Drunk: (looking at the sky) Fuckin' rain!
Funny Albert Einstein Joke (not mine)
An old, funny joke - I think I saw it on reddit a while ago, but haven't seen it in a while - so here it is:
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
After three orgasms...
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
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