Funny Story

FunnyStory about animals and all around the world

Thứ Hai, 29 tháng 2, 2016

Kesha Thanked Lady Gaga And Joe Biden For Speaking Out Against Sexual Assault At The Oscars

“It hit very close to my heart for obvious reasons.” Kesha thanked Lady Gaga and Joe Biden on Sunday night after they used the Oscar stage to speak out against sexual assault. Kesha / instagram.com "Thank u @LadyGaga and VP @JoeBiden for bringing attention to sexual assault at the Oscars," Kesha wrote on Twitter. "It hit very close to my heart for obvious reasons." Twitter / Twitter: @KeshaRose Kesha praised Lady Gaga for her emotional performance...

Dear Sam Smith, Other Openly Gay People Have Won An Oscar

But still, congratulations! Sam Smith won an Oscar tonight! For his song, "Writing's on the Wall" with Jimmy Napes. . Christopher Polk / Getty Images In his speech, Sam referenced a quote from Sir Ian McKellan who told The Guardian, "No openly gay man has ever won the Oscar; I wonder if that is prejudice or chance." But Ian was actually referring to the Best Actor category. Yeah. Twitter: @ira View Entire List ...

This Is How Everyone Reacted To Sam Smith Winning The Oscar Over Lady Gaga

The shock of the evening. At tonight's Oscars, Lady Gaga was widely tipped to win Best Original Song with Diane Warren for "Til It Happens to You." Mark Ralston / AFP / Getty Images And then it seemed like a sure thing when she gave a powerhouse performance that brought people to tears. Mark Ralston / AFP / Getty Images But then... Jimmy Napes and Sam Smith ended up winning for "Writing's on the Wall." Mark Ralston / AFP / Getty Images (Sorry.) Twitter:...

How Well Do You Remember The Lyrics To "7 Things" By Miley Cyrus?

♫ If you text it, I’ll delete it. ...

24 Things Every Emo Girl Did 10 Years Ago

Only read this if you were hxc. You owned at least ONE thing that had your undead crush Jack Skellington on it. kdscreations / instagram.com You spent hours coming up with an alliterative screen name that showed how dark and tortured you were. AOL / Farrah Penn for BuzzFeed You used an actual camera to capture your perfect scene bangs for your Myspace profile pic. lindasee / instagram.com Your favorite after school activity (after concerts, duh)...

The Wiggles' Original Lineup Reunited For Charity And Were Perfect

It was a wonderfully wiggly show! This year marks the 25th anniversary of The Wiggles, and to celebrate, the OGs — Greg (Yellow), Anthony (Blue), Murray (Red), and Jeff (Purple) — reunited for a no-kids-allowed show on Friday night. instagram.com Hundreds of fans attended the first original Wiggles' show in four years at Sydney's Dee Why RSL, where they enthusiastically sang "Can You Point (Your Fingers and Do the Twist?)"... Instagram: @anthony_wiggle ..."Rockabye...

Are You A Former Emo?

Admit It!!...

A Crazy Conspiracy Theory Alleges Katy Perry Is Actually JonBenét Ramsey

BRB, logging out of the internet forever. There's a truly wild YouTube video from 2014 going viral that alleges pop star Katy Perry is ACTUALLY murder victim JonBenét Ramsey: youtube.com John Shearer / Getty Images Globe Photos/ZUMAPRESS.com View Entire List ...

Adorable Stray Dogs Are Being Trained To Be Ball Dogs For Tennis Matches

Ball dogs > Any humans. Four Brazilian stray dogs were given a new lease on life when they were trained to be "ball dogs" for the Brazil Open. Leandro Martins The dogs, rescued from shelters in São Paolo, were trained up to take part in an exhibition tennis match on Thursday between Spain's Roberto Carballes Baena and Portugal's Gastao Elias. Leandro Martins The four dogs, Frida, Mel, Isabelle, and Costela, served as an example that stray dogs...

19 Adorable Dogs Who Will Make Your Instagram A Better Place

Because your Instagram could always use more dogs. Toby the Chow Chow (@tobypuff) This Instagram features videos of Toby the 1-year-old chow chow running with his tiny fluffy legs. Instagram: @tobypuff Sid the Beagle (@myregalbeagle) Just a lot of pictures of Sid with food in his mouth looking really happy, i.e. literally being you. Instagram: @myregalbeagle Akira, Blaze, Shiloh, and Phènix the Huskies (@husky_quartet) All "squad goals" other than this are meaningless in comparison. Features them splashing about in the sea as a beautiful, furry...

John Cena wakes up from coma

Cena: Where am I? Nurse: I C U Cena: No you don't...

A prisoner escaped..

And snuck inside a house nearby. The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post. The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom. The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for sex. I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey,...

A mummy calls a restauraunt.

Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I. Could you spell it out, please? Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab. ...

I like my women how I like my milk...

Rich, white, and 2% fat...

Boxed In

There was a young girl from Peru Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, “If they pay to get in, They’ll pay to get out of it, too.”...

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."...

I want a divorce

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have...

Lost my watch at a party...

Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl. not on my watch....

What It’s Really Like to Risk It All in Silicon Valley

What It’s Really Like to Risk It All in Silicon Valley Before Nathalie Miller decided to walk away from Instacart, she made a spreadsheet to analyze how much money she was leaving on the table. She did it anyway. Six months later, she discovered she was pregnant with her first child. February 29, 2016 at 02:02AM via Digg http://ift.tt/1oP1k...

Pickle Slicer

A guy comes home from work and tells his wife that he was fired. Wife asks why? Husband says he got caught sticking his dick in the pickle slicer. Wife panicked - asked to look at his penis. Penis looked good, didn't have a cut on it. Puzzled, the wife asks, 'What happened to the pickle slicer?' The husband looks up and says, 'She got fired as well'....

I want to repaint my room a shade of white...

...but I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "2016 Oscars"....

What do a thong and Donald Trump's toupee have in common?

They both barely cover an asshole....

"I'm Bill Gates, today I'll teach you how to count to 10"

1, 2, 3, NT, 95, 98, 2000, Me, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10...

Robert Khardasian was OJ Simpson's lawyer

And thus began the family tradition of getting black men off....

A Vet Rocked A Puppy Like A Baby To Comfort Her After Surgery

I’m not crying. You’re crying. This video of a shelter puppy being comforted after coming out of surgery is going viral — and it's almost too sweet for words: View Video › "Baby Meesha was coming off her anesthesia and was a little scared because her body felt so weird," the Baltimore Animal Rescue and Care Shelter wrote on Facebook, where the video was first posted. "BARCS Surgical Assistant Dennis Moses took her out into the quiet hallway to comfort...

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"...

A Televangelist, a Rabbi and a Hindu were traveling together

They came across a farm and asked to spend the night there. The farmer said, “I only have room for two, someone will have to sleep in the barn.” The Hindu volunteered. Moments later, there was a knock on the door. The Hindu said, “There is a cow in the barn. I can’t sleep on holy ground.” “I will go” said the Rabbi. Moments later there was a knock on the door. “I can’t sleep with a pig, pigs are unkosher.” So the Televangelist is sent out to the barn. Moments later, there was a knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow....

What's the difference between a pizza and a pizza joke?

Pizza jokes can't be topped! :D...

Chủ Nhật, 28 tháng 2, 2016

What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?

Both say Please insert Bill....

My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,

But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity...

A man goes to a job interview...

Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?" Man: "Probably my honesty." Interviewer: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."...

Why do Jamaican philosophers shit together?

Because they discuss tings....

Should English be the only official language of the EU?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear...

When's the best time to come out of the closet?

When the coast is queer....

A wife is good for seventy things,

cleaning, and 69....

Archeologists in South Africa have just discoved what they think is the oldest tampon ever found

They are trying to find out what period it came from...

Why do Canadians prefer their jokes in hexidecimal?

Because 7 8 9 A...

Why does Bernie Sanders write in lowercase letters?

Because he hates capitalism....

Three guys are stuck on an island full of cannibals...

The cabinnals capture them unless they each bring back ten fruit. The first comes back with ten bananas. The Tribe Leader tells him that they will shove the bananas up his ass, and if he laughs or winces he gets eaten. He gets the ten bananas shoved up his ass, but he cries out and is sent to "Cannibal Death Row". The second guy comes back ten berries. The Tribe Leader tells him that they will shove the berries up his ass and if he laughs or winces, he gets eaten. The man, as the sixth berry comes in, starts laughing. The man is sent to say goodbye...

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes....

For her birthday, I bought my wife a pair of shoes and a vibrator.

If she doesn't like the shoes, she can go fuck herself....

How to Prosecute an Internet Troll — MEL Magazine

How to Prosecute an Internet Troll — MEL Magazine On May 3, 2015, two men dressed in body armor and armed with assault rifles approached the Culwell Event Center in the Dallas suburb of Garland, Texas where 200 people had gathered for a Prophet Muhammed Art Exhibit and Cartoon Contest. A month later, Australi Witness posted a statement, claiming credit. But who was he? February 28, 2016 at 12:58AM via Digg http://ift.tt/21qdS...

When I get naked in the bathroom..

The shower usually gets turned on....

How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Apparently not four as my basement is still dark...

Religion is like a penis

It's OK to be proud of yours, just don't try to shove it down your children's throat....

Confucius Say

Man who run behind car get exhausted But man who run in front of car get tired....

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, he fell....

I'd like to thank my hands...

I'd like to thank my hands for always being at my side, my legs for supporting me through thick and thin, and my fingers... Because I can always count on them....

A Cuban, a Canadian, and a White Supremacist walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "What'll you have Senator Cruz?"...

Thứ Bảy, 27 tháng 2, 2016

The Republican primary race should be called "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

It's way too long, and the protagonists are becoming more juvenile as it goes on....

The Dying Man and the Cookies

An old man was on his death bed and had less than a day to live. As he lay there reflecting on his life, he smelled his favorite cookies in the kitchen. So using his last bit of will and effort, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen for a cookie. He sat down at the table and reached for one when his wife popped his hand with a wooden spoon: "Don't touch it! Those are for your funeral!"...

A zoo was having a lot of trouble with a female gorilla

The gorilla was in heat, but they had no male to couple her with. As she was getting more violent and aggressive by the hour, they tried to contact other zoos for a male, but none were available in a short amount of time. Desperate, the zoo director calls John the janitor into his office. 'John, you've been with us for a long time, but today I have an unusual question for you. We can't calm this gorilla down and I'm afraid for the safety of the zoo. John, will you... ahem... screw this gorilla? For, say, 500 dollars?' John seriously thinks about...

The three unwritten rules of life

1. 2. 3....

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

Pimples don't come on boys faces till they hit 13...

So there's an Irish family who live in the countryside (a bit of a long one here)

And the closest town is about a mile away. They make their money from a little bit of farming, but mostly from the milk that their cow produces. So one day, the father wakes up and goes outside, and sees that the family cow has died. Stricken with grief, he kills himself on the spot. When his wife wakes up, she goes outside, sees her husband and the cow, and hangs herself from the barn rafters, unable to live without her true love. Their oldest son wakes up a little later, and goes outside, sees his dead parents, and goes down to the river to...

I asked my friend in North Korea how it was there.

He said he cant complain......

5 Jokes about Boiling Water

Perhaps I shouldn't joke on here about boiling water, it might be too steamy. RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. What do you get when your pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies One cannibal says to the other cannibal "hey I ate a missionary the other day and he gave me an upset stomach." The second cannibal says "That's too bad. How'd you cook him?" The first cannibal says "Oh, I threw him in the giant pot of boiling water like always." The second cannibal says "Makes...

A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?"

The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!" "Not this time son, our dog is dead"...

A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”

God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”...

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name?

Or was Snoop Lyin'?...

There once was a family of moles in their mole hole when one smelled something sweet...

The father mole stuck his head out of the mole hole and said "is that honey?" So the mother mole squeezed through the hole next to the father and smelled "that may be maple syrup! It smells so wonderful!" The baby mole, wanting to see what all the commotion was about, frustratingly couldn't fit between the father and mother mole. So he wailed " All I smell is molasses!"...

What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?

a private tooter....

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?

The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly...

Chapter One: Who is behind one of the biggest scams in history?

Chapter One: Who is behind one of the biggest scams in history? It's one of the world's longest-running cons. Hundreds of millions of dollars stolen from some of the world's most vulnerable people — the sick, the elderly and the poor — who all thought they had found a savior in a mysterious woman named Maria Duval. February 26, 2016 at 08:37PM via Digg http://ift.tt/24rHu...

What does a German call a party without Sausage and Cheese?

A Wurst-Käse Scenario...

Excuse me,

I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."...

Drake Belongs To Black Women

Maddie Meyer / Getty Images Aubrey Drake Graham is the man who sends you a drink from across the bar and walks over right as you take the first sip, sidling up next to you to ask for the name of your lipstick shade. He can’t help it, really. The man is a simp of calculated, caricatural proportions. He’ll tell you the stain it leaves on your glass reminds him of the way the sun rises over Toronto, sanguine but delicate. He’s used that line before....

What New Song Should You Listen To On Repeat This Weekend?

Cheers to the freakin’ weekend! BuzzFee...

16 Words That Have A Different Meaning For Classical Musicians

Can you Handel this list, or will you have to turn Bach? Reception What it usually means: A social occasion after a recital where one might congratulate the performer. What it means to classical musicians: A free-for-all food frenzy that you feel you've earned after sitting through two hours of new music. Twitter: @themusicalmuse Accompanist What it usually means: A person who provides musical accompaniment. What it means to classical musicians:...

Here’s Definitive Proof That Drake Is Actually In Love With Everybody

Find someone who looks at you the way Drake looks at everyone. And since the release of the new video for Rihanna's single "Work", many people have noticed that it's basically a 7-minute clip of Drake falling madly in love with her. Twitter: @stratfords_avon Twitter: @itsmeagan Twitter: @jodiesnowflake View Entire List ...

A Runaway "Unicorn" Led State Troopers On A Chase For Five Hours

“Please be advised the unicorn is in custody.” This is Tatum Boos and her "unicorn" Juliet. wishtv.com Okay, so Juliet isn't actually, technically, a unicorn – she just plays one in photos. Sandra Boos Photography Photographer Sandra Boos, of Madera Ranchos, California, got the pony for her five-year-old daughter Tatum a year ago, and often incorporates the dolled up white "unicorn" into her photo shoots. On Wednesday, the 300-pound pony was decked...

What is the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer?

A Mechanical Engineer makes weapons, a Civil Engineer makes targets....

This Deer Fell Through The Ice In Saskatchewan And Some Friendly Firefighters Helped Her Out

“Once she was warmed up they took the blankets off, and she just jumped up and off she went.” A young deer got herself in major trouble when she ventured out onto the ice in Swift Current, Saskatchewan, and fell through. Luckily some firefighters came to her rescue. Deputy Fire Chief Darren McClellan said the local RCMP called the fire department after learning about the deer. Swift Current Fire Department / Facebook Four firefighters went to the...

7 Animals That Will Restore Your Faith In Long-Term Relationships

If swans & beavers can make a relationship work…then maybe we can too? BuzzFeed Video / Via youtu.b...

Puppies Recreate Every Best Picture Nominated Movie

Why spend 15 bucks on a movie when you can watch puppies for free! So you've decided to watch all the Best Picture nominees before Sunday. Miramax Films But halfway through Spotlight you start to lose grip. Columbia Pictures This somehow became more of a chore than a hobby. Warner Bros. And eventually give up altogether.. Universal Pictures View Entire List ...

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother...

Ducks in Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly...

This Canadian Dog Is Better Dressed Than Anyone In Canada, TBH

All hail Iggy Joey. Meet Iggy Joey. Instagram: @iggyjoey Dog. Canadian. Fashion and lifestyle guru. Instagram: @iggyjoey An Italian Greyhound, Iggy Joey first joined Instagram as just a normal dog, but has now gained 25,000 followers after her owner began posting photos of her in homemade sweaters. "I knew Italian Greyhounds got really cold easily . . . She would shake and cry outside when it started getting under 20 degrees Celsius," Lyndal Moody,...

26 Reasons Grey Cats Are The Best Damn Cats

They’re so fluffy and majestic. Hello, this is an adorable little grey kitty. Hello! tudor133 / Via reddit.com They are pretty much the most gorgeous fluffy creatures to exist. uline00 / Via reddit.com How can they BE this fluffy? AsYourMama / Via imgur.com Just look at this gentle majestic furry baby. "Yes these will be perfect for the wedding Susan, get my PA to order 200." Via reddit.com View Entire List ...