He's 0K now....
Chủ Nhật, 30 tháng 4, 2017
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The...
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign... [NSFW]
It reads: Toasted Sandwiches- $2, Handjobs- $5.
He approaches the bar and sees a stunning large breasted, tight waisted blonde goddess serving.
He asks her, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
She leans towards him, resting her breasts on the bar and says, "Why, yes I am." With a wink.
To which he replies: "Well go and wash your fucking hands before you make my sandwich!"...
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video… He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy....
Fyre Festival, A Luxury Music Weekend, Crumbles In The Bahamas
Fyre Festival, A Luxury Music Weekend, Crumbles In The Bahamas
A high-end event founded by Ja Rule and the entrepreneur Billy McFarland was supposed to feature shows and yachts. Attendees found chaos instead.
April 29, 2017 at 09:21PM
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Two Arab guys get on a plane.
One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off a little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”
“No problem,” said the Israeli, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said,
“That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the...
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed...
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She suspects that he’s preparing a surprise for her since today is their 20th wedding anniversary, so she puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “You haven’t been sitting here all night, have you!?”
The...
Thứ Bảy, 29 tháng 4, 2017
i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke
Overheard at the White House:
Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."
Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."
Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public"....
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked…
I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived....
Two older couple were having breakfast
old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
old man 2: What's it's name?
old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
old man 2: Carnation?
old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
old man 2: Rose?
old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?...
My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.
I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike. She said "I bet we couldn't understand them" I said "why do you think that?" She said "because they probably only bark" She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"...
I told a guy talking on the phone in the library to shut the fuck up
As a result, everyone in the library started to applaud me so I turned and told them all to shut the fuck up too....
A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face.
Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track...
A boy walks into an ice cream parlor....
The kid strolls up the counter, and the employee asks the lad....
"What flavor would you like?"
He looks over the list of flavors, and after a brief moment he says...
"Chocolate!"
With a sad face, the employee looks down to the boy and says... "I'm sorry, we're all out lf chocolate." The boy seems unfazed by this, and looks at the flavors again, taking even longer, then he says... "I'll have chocolate!" The employee raises an eyebrow and says "I told you, we're all out of Chocolate." The child looks kver the list again, and declares "Chocolate."...
A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...
The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That's ridiculous; an iceberg sunk the titanic!". The Chinese man responds, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Silverberg, you're all the same"....
Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,
It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.
Edit: guys it's a joke not a dick don't take it so hard...
I played my wedding video backwards today.
It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends....
Donald Trumps ask the Queen of England for Tips
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you could give me?"
"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"
Theresa...
Luxury Music Festival In The Bahamas Descends Into Rich Person Chaos
Luxury Music Festival In The Bahamas Descends Into Rich Person Chaos
Fyre Festival was supposed to be a new level of music festival — top performers on a private island in the Bahamas, with fancy accommodations and great food. Things haven't worked out that way so far.
April 29, 2017 at 03:34AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2qeTJ...
A politician dies...
And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.
"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"
"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH,...
Thứ Sáu, 28 tháng 4, 2017
Suicide Bombing Instructor
What were the suicide bombing instructor's last words?
"Now I'm only going to show you this once!"...
A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...
A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.
I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook....
I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back…
I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time my wife was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
I...
The worst part about being a giraffe
is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand....
A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship
A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship so she decides to place a very specific ad for a lover in the newspaper. The ad reads, "I am looking for someone who will never hit me, never walk on out on me, and is good in bed." A few days later, her doorbell rings. She answers the door to see a quadriplegic man sitting in a wheelchair. He smiles at her and claims to be the right man for her. a bit skeptical, she asks the man how could he possibly be the man she is looking for? The man says, "Look I have no arms, so I promise I will...
It's down to two guys at a job interview.
Both of the men interviewing are equally qualified all the way down to eagle scout so the interviewer has an idea. "The one of you that can give me the better poem ending in Timbuktu gets the job." The first guy stands up and says, "Out across the desert sand went a lonely caravan. Underneath the sky so blue, their destination, Timbuktu." The second guy just sat there stunned. He knew he couldn't compete and was about to give up when inspiration stuck. "Me and Tim a fishing went when we saw three ladies in a tent. They being three, and we being...
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s...
A Man Coming Home from the Bar
James gets up from his barstool after a long night drinking alone and falls right to the floor.
He crawls to the door, pulls himself up to open it, and falls through the door as it swings open.
James continues this process as he crawls home pulling himself by his hands; falling to the floor with every pull.
As he rounds the corner to his apartment, James pulls himself up to the door knob, inserts the key and twist it and the door open. As much expected, James collapses to the floor, unable to support himself in this drunken state.
James finally...
The Myth of a Superhuman AI – Backchannel
The Myth of a Superhuman AI – Backchannel
Why hyper-intelligent algorithms are not going to take over the world.
April 27, 2017 at 09:10AM
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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend...
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
"Go and get help!" he cried.
"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"
"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found...
Thứ Năm, 27 tháng 4, 2017
A man walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."
The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."
The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of...
A woman has twins...
and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."...
Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.
Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"
He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village. 2 minutes later, he returns with his face covered in blood.
"What happened?!" the other two Vampires ask.
"You know that village by the woods?" the youngest Vampire explained. "I flew down there, killed and drank the blood of an entire family, and flew back...
I saw a talking muslim doll in the toy store
I asked the shop owner what it was supposed to say.
"Dunno" he said. "Nobody dared to pull the cord so far."...
What Bullets Do to Bodies
What Bullets Do to Bodies
How would the gun debate change if Americans witnessed the horrors that trauma surgeons confront everyday?
April 26, 2017 at 11:48PM
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Thứ Tư, 26 tháng 4, 2017
Marriage in heaven
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting.
While waiting, they began...
Two Italian men get on a bus!
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a...
There was once a man named Odd.
People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died. Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."...
The FBI had an opening for an assasin
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The...
Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms.
Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.
Posted on behalf of /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter's comment section...
Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."...
Everything You Need to Know About Ejecting From a Fighter Jet
Everything You Need to Know About Ejecting From a Fighter Jet
You better tuck in your knees and elbows, because if anything hits the side of the cockpit on the way out, it's coming off.
April 25, 2017 at 11:35PM
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The Gorilla and the King of the Jungle
The gorilla was strolling through the jungle when he came upon a lion sinking in a pool of quicksand.
"Save me, gorilla!" Shouted the lion. "Drowning in the quicksand is no way for the king of the jungle to die!"
The gorilla quickly grabbed the lion by the rear and started pounding him in the ass.
When he finished he yanked the lion from the quicksand, tossed him as far as he could, and ran for his life.
The lion was furious and gave chase. The gorilla had to die before anybody could find out what happened.
After time the gorilla could run no...
My daughter came home today and said "Dad, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend Mike."
"Are you kidding me?!" I said, "What the fuck are you doing with this ugly loser? Don't scrape the barrel, you can do much better than this."
"Dad!!" my daughter screamed, "Mike is lovely!"
"I know." I replied "I was talking to him."...
Thứ Ba, 25 tháng 4, 2017
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel.. you know how to fish."...
Two blondes fall down a well
One says to the other ones, "isn't it dark down here" she replies, I don't know I can't see...
A man goes to the doctor..
After running tests the doctor says to the guy, "I'm sorry but I have two bits of bad news."
"The first is that you have cancer."
Guy goes "Well shit. What's the other bad news?"
Doctor says, "You have Alzheimer's."
Guy says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."...
Larry the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry,...
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.....
A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?" The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."...
A Dying Man's Lost Recipe Made His Daughter a Multimillionaire
A Dying Man's Lost Recipe Made His Daughter a Multimillionaire
A handwritten memo detailed how to cook a seemingly simple dish.
April 24, 2017 at 08:43PM
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I was at a restaurant....
and the the waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?!".
I replied "I actually know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed except for this one guy....
Thứ Hai, 24 tháng 4, 2017
An airplane was about to crash..
There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy,...
A priest goes golfing with his friend
A priest goes golfing with his friend.
His friend is not a very good golfer and always misses the hole by just a bit. Every time this happens he gets very upset and says:
"Goddammit, such a close miss!"
This goes on for a while before the priest finally tells his friend:
"Listen, I'm a man of god and I can't stand you swearing on his name all the time - if you swear like this one more time, god will open the sky and you will be struck by lightning."
At the next hole, the priests friend misses again and screams again:
"Goddammit, such a close miss!"
Not...
My wife doesn't know it,
but every time we have sex I put $1 in an envelope. I save that money, and plan on getting her something special for our anniversary.
So far she's getting a McChicken...
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Primary 3 [NSFW]
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Primary 3. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Primary 4. I am smarter than my sister and she's in Primary 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Primary 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
Boy: 6.
Principal: 6+6.
Boy: 12.
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Primary 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Madam:...
[NSFW] Had sex with my girlfriend a couple days ago..
My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.
She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first....
How Trump Succeeds Without Succeeding
How Trump Succeeds Without Succeeding
He has made a career of convincing people that his failures were the exact opposite. Can he pull it off again?
April 23, 2017 at 10:48PM
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What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooooooooo!...
Chủ Nhật, 23 tháng 4, 2017
A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.
He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.
He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.
He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with my wife".
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't love my children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a decent job".
When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for only a moment and said
"you stand aside, I know...
Introducing "All the children" jokes
Here in Sweden, there's a classic joke cycle called "All the children-jokes". They're kind of like limericks, but less strict. All jokes follow this pattern in some way:
"All the children do x, except [name] because he/she does y."
Where y rhymes with the name. You can experiment with tense and phrasing as you like. The point is to make y as unexpected and comical in relation to x as possible. Of course, there is also the game of making these jokes as dirty and morbid as possible.
Some examples:
All the children were planned, except Jake.
His...
Carl opened a zoo.
Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.
Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.
So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.
Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60....
My mate’s wife rang me today asking if I’d seen him
My mate’s wife rang me today asking if I’d seen him.
“Not since yesterday.” I answered.
“I knew he was lying!” she screamed, “He told me that he was at your house all night.”
“Erm… he… has,” I replied.
“Don’t stick up for him! You just said that you hadn’t seen him since yesterday.”
“Yes, well…” I paused, “…We’ve been playing hide and seek.”...
"Look at this!" I said to my roommate
"What happened?" he replied
"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eight plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said
"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"...
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed....
"How can you watch porn but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked
" The same way I watch Formula 1 whole weekend but still drive my 2002 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..
That satisfied her...
I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips...
Historians Say The March For Science Is 'Pretty Unprecedented'
Historians Say The March For Science Is 'Pretty Unprecedented'
Tens of thousands of scientists and their allies are expected to demonstrate in Washington, D.C., on Saturday, with hundreds of additional satellite marches planned to boot.
April 22, 2017 at 10:32PM
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A man goes to get his passport renewed...
He goes to the counter and is jotting down his personal information.
"Alright sir, can I have your full name please?"
"Pepepeter Bbbbbbbbryant"
"Excuse me, sir, are you a stutterer? "
"No, ma'am, my father was a stutterer, and the guy who made my birth certificate, an asshole"....
A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament
Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?
Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.
Interviewer: and what about the rest?
Poker player: Well... I guess they'll have to wait.....
A guy walks into a diner on the side of the road
The place is really old and messy, but he was hungry from the road so he sat at the table and ordered spaghetti with meatballs.
After a while the waitress gives him the order, and he saw a bunch of thick hairs on some of the meatballs.
He calls the waitress "Hey miss, there are a bunch of hairs in my food, I know it's not supposed to be the cleanest place but what the hell?!"
The waitress apologizes, "I'm sorry sir, it's just that our chef is a vet who lost his arm in Afghanistan, he's a great cook and very creative so we let him work here, but...
Thứ Bảy, 22 tháng 4, 2017
Dad my girlfriends pregnant
"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant." "I'm not mad, just disappointed." "Hi disappointed, I'm dad." "Did you jus..." "Yes." "You're ready." "I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."...
THE salesman story.
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales...
Ye Olde Jack And Jill
Jack and Jill, Went up the hill, So Jack could see Jill's fanny, But Jack got a shock, And an eye full of cock, Because Jill was a closet tranny....
I went to a restaurant.
Every table was occupied with couples, there was no seat vacant. I took out my phone and said loudly "Dude, your girlfriend is here with someone else. Come here fast."
9 girls left their seats for me....
A wife gets naked...
…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?' Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor....
Do you have a vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow...
Plastc Took $9 Million In Preorders For A Smart, All-In-One Credit Card Then Went Bankrupt
Plastc Took $9 Million In Preorders For A Smart, All-In-One Credit Card Then Went Bankrupt
Here's a look back on the promising rise, troubled growth, and inglorious fall of Plastc.
April 22, 2017 at 12:31AM
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Oxygen and potassium went on a date...
...it went ok.
Oxygen and magnesium went on a date.
The other chemicals were like 'omg'!
Two noble gases went on a date.
There was no reaction.
Two protons went on a date.
There was no attraction.
Hydrogen and chlorine went on a date.
They felt a little sour after it.
Hydrogen and nitrogen went on a date.
They had a basic night out.
Sodium and chlorine went on a date.
There was assault.
Potassium and water went on a date.
It was lit....
Thứ Sáu, 21 tháng 4, 2017
Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...
Asked him "why are you eating Grass?"
He said "I'm very hungry"
"Oh. Okay then. Come with me"
You should've seen the look on his face when I showed him my backyard....
Humans are being tested against the new AI program
The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because
ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA...
During meditation, a monk asks his master...
"Master. If a man shaves his ass, is he gay?"
His master thought for a moment and replied:
"A man who cleans his house, clearly expects a visitor."...
A girl says to her mom, "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe".
Mom says, "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"
And the girl replies, "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."...
[Long] The population of this country is 300 million.
60 million are retired.
That leaves 240 million to do the work.
There are 95 million in school.
Which leaves 145 million to do the work.
Of this there are 22 million employed by the government.
Leaving 123 million to do the work.
61 million are disabled.
Leaving 62 million to do the work.
15 million are collecting unemployment.
Leaving 47 million to do the work.
40 million are of working age, but not working and not actively looking for work.
Leaving 7 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces.
Which leaves 4.2 million to do...
Interviewer: What's your biggest strength?
Me: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
Me: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
Me: It's 121....
The unbearable wrongness of Gwyneth Paltrow
The unbearable wrongness of Gwyneth Paltrow
What's at the heart of Paltrow's empire? Is she just a dedicated health-seeker taking us on her path for utmost physical and spiritual well-being? No. Paltrow's Goop is pure, unadulterated, blood-diamond free, organic-certified, biodynamic, moon-dusted bullshit.
April 20, 2017 at 10:49PM
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Thứ Năm, 20 tháng 4, 2017
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United State
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"...
So today is 4/20
4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day...
A woman walks into a convenience store...
"I need four D batteries," she says.
The cashier nods and motions to her with a finger. "Come this way."
"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries!"...
Everything's bigger in Texas
A Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman gives him a drink. The Texan looks at the drink and commenting on how small it is, he says that they are 10 times bigger in Texas. In the interest of good relations, the barman gives him another 9 drinks free of charge. Later the Texan comes up and orders a bag of peanuts. When given the small bag, he again comments on the size of it, and the barman again gives him 9 free. The Texan is pleased with the service he got and notes some positive feedback on a card as he leaves.
A few weeks later,...
I wonder...
I always wondered what my parents did to pass time before things like the internet and TVs were invented. I asked my 26 siblings for advice....
Husband takes his wife to a disco.
Husband takes his wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."
Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he’s still celebrating!!"...
I was having sex with this german schoolgirl the other day
I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time...
A bus driver and a priest died and went to heaven
St. Peter greeted them both and led them to their new homes in heaven. They went to the bus driver's home first, and saw a large mansion. When the priest saw this, he was very excited because he was sure that he'd get a grander house, because clearly, he had done me good in his life than the bus driver. However, when they reached his new home, all he saw a small cabin. He asked St. Peter, "why is my house smaller than the bus driver's? I have served God all my life!" St. Peter responded, "well, the way you were preaching, everyone was sleeping....
Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.
He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.
One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the solution. In the forest by the pond, there is a magic purple toad. If you can get the toad to say 'No' to you, your penis will shrink by three inches."
The man followed the witch's advice, and went into the forest. Sure enough, by the lakeside was a large...
Our Machines Now Have Knowledge We’ll Never Understand
Our Machines Now Have Knowledge We’ll Never Understand
Artificial intelligence is making the limits of human knowledge painfully obvious.
April 19, 2017 at 07:28PM
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I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs...
"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" “Yesterday." I replied....
An Italian boy's confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I cant tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, Im sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"Ill never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please,...
Accordion to scientific studies, 90% ..
of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument....
Thứ Tư, 19 tháng 4, 2017
So, two deer walk out of a gay bar................
One of them turns to the other and says "Man, I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there"....
-------Job Interview----------
Interviewer:What are your strengths?
Me: I fall in love easily.
Interviewer: Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?
Me: Those blue eyes of yours....
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No,' - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ' Mum, you...
If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician." Edit: apparently people don't like the fuck. Too fucking late....
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...
"I want you to try and sell this to me".
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$200 and it's yours"....
How Climate Change Might Kill Us: Kidney Disease
How Climate Change Might Kill Us: Kidney Disease
A mysterious kidney disease is striking down laborers across the world and climate change is making it worse.
April 18, 2017 at 07:56PM
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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.
Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret drawer has popped open on her mother’s bed.
Inside, was a very well presented box containing the most magnificent looking dildo she’d ever seen with instructions reading, “The Great magic dildo. To use it, just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed...
Elderly man goes to the doctor to collect his wife's reports...
Doctor: Unfortunately we have mixed up her reports with someone else. so she either has AIDS or alzheimer's.
Distraught old man: oh my god doctor! what should i do??
Doctor: (thinks for a sec) drop her to the edge of the city and if she makes it back don't fuck her...
Thứ Ba, 18 tháng 4, 2017
Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...
While they were working one day, John falls off the derrick (the rig tower) and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie replied, "I'll do it. I'm good with this sensitive stuff."
Two hours later Donnie arrives with a six-pack of Budweiser beer. Lonnie asked him, "Where'd you get the six-pack?" Donnie told him John's wife gave it to him. Lonnie replies, flabbergasted, "Unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"...
Einstein dies and goes to heaven
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,
"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to
sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome
to...
A student visits the principal’s office one day.
The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” The student replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?” The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”...
United Employees Can No Longer Displace Boarded Passengers
United Employees Can No Longer Displace Boarded Passengers
It’s one of the most obviously-needed corporate policy changes in history, but the damage to the company may already be done.
April 17, 2017 at 08:16AM
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The new father
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you dont mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."...
Two monks were fishing in the lake behind their monastery when they caught the biggest fish either of them had ever seen.
Two monks were fishing in the lake behind their monastery when they caught the biggest fish either of them had ever seen. When the monk reeling it in got it on shore he was so overwhelmed with excitement he yelled "look at the size of that son-of-a-bitch!"
Aghast, the second monk looked at him with disgust. The monk thought quickly and said, "oh. Um. That's the name of this type of fish. It's actually a son-of-a-bitch fish."
Oh. Nodded the other monk. Well I guess I will take this son-of-a-bitch to the kitchen. He took the fish to the kitchen...
Whats similar between a hurricane and women?
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU BITCH!...
The Bravest and Fiercest
The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land. The king devised a test. his engineers immediately began work on a massive pit filled with horrors. On the day of reckoning hundreds of brave men travelled from all the corners of the kingdom to prove their worth. They stood crowded at the edges of the pit waiting for the event to begin. The king...
Thứ Hai, 17 tháng 4, 2017
The dead cow lecture
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor". "The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go...
The pessimist only sees darkness into the tunnel...
The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel
The realist sees a train approaching
The train driver sees 3 arseholes walking over the railway...
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”...
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls......
No survivors.
Instantly they are in heaven waiting to enter the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger. St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."...
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.
He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even...
Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...
Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."
Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."
Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."...
Early Macintosh Emulation Comes to the Archive
Early Macintosh Emulation Comes to the Archive
The Internet Archive can now emulate the early models of the Apple Macintosh, the black-and-white, mouse driven computer that radically shifted the future of home computing in 1984.
April 16, 2017 at 10:48PM
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The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him
“Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”
“John,” the new seaman replied.
“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself clear?”
“Aye, Aye Chief!”
“Now that we've got that straight, what’s your last name?”
The seaman sighed....
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island
The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.
Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back....
Chủ Nhật, 16 tháng 4, 2017
A man owned a sentient calculator
He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from voice recognition software to sleight of hand, were thrown around.
But time and time again, the man would insist that no, it was simply a sentient calculator.
Now, at first, the people simply figured that the man didn't want to reveal his trick and...
An odd joke
Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never liked his odd name. He told her that, when he died, she should just put his birthday and date of death on the grave, without his name. Sure enough, several years later, Odd passed away. His wife did as he had requested, and buried him, putting only his...
The greatest joke I ever heard. So there's this long line outside of St. Peter's gate...
St. Peter comes out and says "Alright everyone... We are pretty full in heaven right now, so we've decided that whoever can tell the best story of how they died, will get into heaven"
One man steps forward and says "I definitely have the best one..."
"I lived in an apartment complex, and I had been suspecting my wife had been cheating on me. So I came home early from work today, and found her naked in our bed. I searched the whole apartment trying to find a man, and found him hanging from the windowsill. I beat his hands with my fists but he wouldn't...
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven...
There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.
"Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progressively funnier as you go higher with the funniest joke you've ever heard on the thousandth step. Should you laugh at any moment, you will instantly be sent to hell. Do you understand?"
The three girls nodded.
"Then let us begin," St. Peter said.
They each...
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"...
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl....
Money or Sex
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free." "I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."...
Millennial Women Are Conflicted About Being Breadwinners
Millennial Women Are Conflicted About Being Breadwinners
Unlike the traditional trajectory of men who earn more, or are sole financial providers, most of these millennial women either believe out-earning their partners is temporary, or lament the idea that it may not be.
April 15, 2017 at 09:16PM
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Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...
They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you." He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a church nearby, for the priest "Father,...
Thứ Bảy, 15 tháng 4, 2017
Bad news
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. 'You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing...
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...
He says,"Give me 2 shots..."
The bartender cuts him off and says,"You only get 1 shot."...
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...
The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"...
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