One... Or two?...
Thứ Năm, 31 tháng 5, 2018
A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt
"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.
"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.
"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do, but could you please explain what exactly happened during your suicide attempt and what stopped you?" the therapist asks.
"Well I drove up to this cliff with the door locked and sat for 'bout a minute contemplating whether to just drive off and end it all. Luckily...
Thứ Tư, 30 tháng 5, 2018
A guy ring’s his new girlfriend’s doorbell
She sees him holding a very nice bouquet of flowers and drags him in.
She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says “This is for the flowers!”
“Don’t be silly” says her boyfriend, “you must have a vase somewhere!”...
A duck walks into a bar...
He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'
The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.
'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in shock but lets him continue uninterrupted. The duck eats his food, pays and leaves.
All week the duck comes in and orders the same pint and a pork pie. The barman is amazed, but can't bring himself to interrupt the duck during his meal.
Saturday rolls by and the duck...
A Jewish man and a Chinese man strike up a conversation...
Before long they're arguing...
Jewish man: "You know what? I hate you."
Chinese man: "For what?"
Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!"
Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"
Jewish man: "eh, Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?"
Chinese man: "Well, you kow what? I hate you."
Jewish man: "For what?!?"
Chinese man: "The Titanic!"
Jewish man: "An iceberg sunk the Tatanic!"
Chinese man: "eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"...
A blonde was driving on the way to disneyland.
She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home....
Had sex with my girlfriend a few days ago.[NSWF]
She told me to turn the light off and stick it in her butt.
I guess I should've waited for the bulb to cool down first....
Don't think your husband is cheating on you!! It's not a good...
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got top of her...
When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't...
Thứ Ba, 29 tháng 5, 2018
The tale of Yuri. (Preemptive apologies).
Yuri had lived in Russia all of his life, in a small town near Moscow. The town had horrible weather conditions almost all of the time and very few people lived there. Everyone living in the town was struggling to survive in such poor conditions. Yuri had lived alone in a small house in this town. He worked every day at a factory that was close to this town. It was hard work, and Yuri was never very happy with his work, but he kept enduring the rough conditions to be able to have an income. Yuri's life had been like this for several years, and...
Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb
I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?
He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."...
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said,...
A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."...
Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Dave accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Frank's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Dave upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Dave went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Frank's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Dave admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500....
Thứ Hai, 28 tháng 5, 2018
"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically...
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"...
Hey, Terry
A woman walks into the Ipswich Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?
"Yeah they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.
She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Terry."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Terry, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues....
Look into my eyes: one woman’s journey from coma to consciousness
Look into my eyes: one woman’s journey from coma to consciousness
After a deadly bacterial infection, Rikke Schmidt Kjærgaard woke to find herself locked in her own body, with only one way to communicate — blinking: one for no, two for yes.
May 28, 2018 at 06:38PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2L1fj...
It's a healthy relationship
My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.
"Really!" I exclaimed.
"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."
That'll teach her to try and be funny......
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a...
Chủ Nhật, 27 tháng 5, 2018
Dad’s first drink with his son
I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest.He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like...
I was delighted when my wife suggested we bring a third person into our relationship...
"Your friend Katie perhaps?" I mused. "I've always had a bit of a thing for her."
She replied, "No, you prick!! I meant a baby."...
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"...
Substitute Priest
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?".
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest:...
A wife yells at her husband...
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"
Husband : "what did I do?"
Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"
Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"
Wife: "The fucking autopsy."...
Thứ Bảy, 26 tháng 5, 2018
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was...
A male and female statue stare at each other for hundreds of years.
One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and giggled. The male statue said "Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and I'll shit on it."...
Thứ Sáu, 25 tháng 5, 2018
One day I'll pretend to be gay.
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected ...
BAAM ! ! !
I'll fuck their boyfriends...
A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...
when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"
The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.
The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"
The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while...
Bob has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day, he confessed to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer....
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bob vows to overcome his rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bob returns home, absolutely ashen. “What’s wrong, Bob?” His wife asks..
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God Bob, what happened?”
“I got fired”, he says.
“No Bob, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um....she got fired too”....
Thứ Năm, 24 tháng 5, 2018
An old one, but I've never seen it on this sub...
A man is brought before an American court on charges that he killed and ate a bald eagle. "This is a serious crime," says the judge. "What do you have to say in your defense?"
"Your honor, please!" the man begs, "Have some mercy on me. I was trapped in the wilderness for days. I stumbled upon one of these birds that had fallen out of its nest and broken its wing. The eagle was going to die anyways, and I needed to save my own life. I killed it quickly, to put it out of its misery and got enough strength from the meat to stay alive until I was...
I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...
Dear Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share...
My girlfriend wanted a favor from me
Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident
Me: Say no more
LATER
Detective: It looks like the killer used a crowbar to beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet...
I asked my boss if I could have time off work because I was having a baby
When I came back the boss asked “So was it a boy or a girl?”
I said “I don’t know, I’ll tell you in 9 months”...
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir,...
Thứ Tư, 23 tháng 5, 2018
The Best Whore House In Texas [NSFW][long]
A recently paid man decides he wants to have a fun night on the town. As he walks through backstreets he stumbles into a stunning brothel with the most gorgeous women he had ever seen.
"Please come in and make yourself at home." said the madam at the front desk.
"It just so happens that I got paid today and I want your deluxe treatment." boasts the man.
"Well you're in luck. We're running a special this week. I have just the thing." said the madam
They walk into a huge room with silk sheets, chilled champagne, and a big mirror on the ceiling....
Thứ Ba, 22 tháng 5, 2018
[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...
...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"
She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"
I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."...
Thứ Hai, 21 tháng 5, 2018
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…
‘Looking for man with these qualifications; won’t beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.’ The next day her door bell rings, looking down on her doorstep was a man with no arms and legs. He says “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.” She says, “What makes you think you are so great in bed?”
He smiles and says “how do you think I rang your fucking door bell?”...
So the Pope is very early for his flight.
He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.
Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."
Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"
Cop:...
A married couple is lying in bed one night....
A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are...
The Opioid Crisis Is Not Just An American Epidemic
The Opioid Crisis Is Not Just An American Epidemic
Nigeria is facing catastrophic levels of opioid addiction — and no one seems to know how to stop it.
May 21, 2018 at 06:34PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2rWdL...
Chủ Nhật, 20 tháng 5, 2018
A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend...
at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"...
An old blind man walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls silent. In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "before you tell that joke, i think it's only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I'm a 6 foot tall 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional...
A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink
The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdained, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE
Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.
The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.
Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”
“Yeah.” the chicken replies.
Again, he points to the sign: NO JOKES SERVED HERE
The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”
The bartender pointed out the window and...
A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.
They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off". The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?". To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"....
Fight Club was awesome!
Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!...
Don't ever underestimate a Scottish police officer?
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense!
Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no...
Thứ Bảy, 19 tháng 5, 2018
One day a midget is walking along feeling a bit parched, when what do ya know, he sees a bar, just for midgets!
"What luck", he thinks, and strolls in.
Inside there are miniature versions of everything! Little chairs with tiny tables, half size doors leading to miniature toilets, a tiny pool table with tiny pool cues, the place has everything, apart from customers... Its completely dead.
Sitting solitary at a table looking rather glum is the bartender. The midget approaches him and asks," Why is it so empty in here, this place is amazing!"
"Well, we've been open for months now and all my customers just come in and leave without ordering any drinks", explains...
I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.
The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty". To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"...
Thứ Sáu, 18 tháng 5, 2018
A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.
The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.
30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flatlines and is obviously dead. The Dr rushes in and asks the husband what happened, he looks at the doctor and says “I don’t know, maybe she choked.”...
Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.
"Where are you off to Watson?"
"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.
30 minutes later, Watson returns.
Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smoking his pipe. As Watson enters, he says, "I expected you back 10 minutes ago, but close enough. I've left some dinner on the table for you, it should still be warm".
"But... but... how did you know I'd be back so soon?" Replies Watson.
"When you left, I pondered for a moment...
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself....
Thứ Năm, 17 tháng 5, 2018
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie...” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the...
A girl goes to a Church to confess.....
Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest...
Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,
where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.
One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.
"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces."
"Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill.
"No, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Bill storms off...
Happy stories from a remote village
A journalist goes to a poor remote village for a documentary.
He saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began: "One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"
The journalist realized that...
Thứ Tư, 16 tháng 5, 2018
An husband comes home to his wife of 20 years
Husband: Darling, I’m home and I brought you some aspirins.
Wife: But I don’t have a headache.
Husband: Then let’s fuck....
My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"
I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe sex.
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"...
Most adults have a dark secret...
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”.
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother, he says , “I know the whole truth”.
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father”.
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to come home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth”.
The father promptly hands him $40 and...
Thứ Ba, 15 tháng 5, 2018
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
Daughter: God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
Dad: why did you say that?
Daughter: I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says: God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The Dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure...
A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name
He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.
When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love," inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit...
Two Jewish guys
are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"...
Classic Joke for your taste
The first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his...
Thứ Hai, 14 tháng 5, 2018
An American spy goes to russia...
In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...
George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.
The big day finally came, and he was parachuted to the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.
"Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?", he asked...
The “normal science” of Stephen Hawking’s final paper
The “normal science” of Stephen Hawking’s final paper
The acclaimed astrophysicist's final contribution to his field might not be a breakthrough, but then again, it's not supposed to be.
May 14, 2018 at 06:51PM
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I've started using Viagra to treat my sunburn.
It doesn't do anything for the burns, but it does a good job of keeping the sheets of my legs....
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
About...
In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters
Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"
Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."
Waiter: "I'm sorry?"
Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."...
Chủ Nhật, 13 tháng 5, 2018
Dad, I’m getting married!
Dad: Say sorry. Son: Why? Dad: Just say sorry. Son: I haven’t done anything wrong! Dad: Say sorry. Son: Okay, okay! I’m sorry! Dad: You’re ready....
A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....
He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The police cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined...
A woman in a hot...
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".
"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered...
2+2+2=7
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven, sir.
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you...
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up...
Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady...
Thứ Bảy, 12 tháng 5, 2018
A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing...
You order one pizza
You love it.
Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.
Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.
That's the domino effect....
(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...
So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"
And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama backhands Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and looks at Little Jimmy, asking: "And just what do you want for breakfast, Jimmy?"
And Jimmy says: "Well, I sure as fuck don't want no God-damn biscuit!"...
My wife said, "Are you ashamed to walk with me?"
I said, "Why are you shouting?"
She said, "Because you're on the other fucking side of the road."...
Thứ Sáu, 11 tháng 5, 2018
A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...
A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
"No, not at all", she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
“Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."...
A man and a woman were dating. NSFW
A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 70 off...
Thứ Năm, 10 tháng 5, 2018
Touched by Jesus
Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison....
There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge.
One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you." And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg"....
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe....
Jesus is hanging on the cross. Paul is nearby. Jesus calls to Paul
"Paul, come to me please." Paul rushes forward and is immediately beaten back by Roman soldiers. They beat him senseless and leave him in a heap on the side of the road.
Paul awakens to hear Jesus calling again, "Paul, come to me. I need you.". Paul rushes the soldiers and is badly beaten again, 2 broken ribs and 3 broken fingers this time. He is thrown in a heap on the side of the road.
A few minutes later Paul hears Jesus again. "Paul, please. I need to tell you...". Paul rushes forward and meets the soldiers again, he fights a savage fight...
Thứ Tư, 9 tháng 5, 2018
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So,...
A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'
I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.
The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.
I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, I went again for another fill-up. Again i asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave me the same story, and asked me to guess the correct number. I guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were...
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp.
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy...
The Biggest Coward
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.
The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."
The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."...
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What...
A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...
Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!...
Letter to God
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for...
Dad peels banana...
When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...
Dad: peels the first strip of the banana peel... "One skin" Peels the second strip... "Two skin" "Three skin" "Five skin"
Me: "What happened to the Four skin"
Dad: "Jewish banana"
I was twelve and I finally figured it out.......
Thứ Ba, 8 tháng 5, 2018
My mate rang me and asked,
My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"
I said, "Probably failing my driving test."...
The Beer Festival
After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." The bartender hands it over.
The guy from Guiness sits down...
One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.
The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and poof he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".
The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. Poof He's gone in a split second. He returns, mouth covered in blood and says, "see that town over there? I have sucked the townspeople's blood down to the last drop".
The last vampire also wants to show off his skill. Poof he's gone at the speed of light. He comes...
A guy is late for an important meeting.
But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"...
My wife keeps using the old ‘men can’t multitask’ stereotype..
So i said “that’s a lie.. I can make love to you AND think of your sister at the same time”...
The First Lady was touring a hospital one day.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the First Lady. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the First Lady.
As they passed by...
Thứ Hai, 7 tháng 5, 2018
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling...
The juggler notices the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"...
A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store
He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?" The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"...
Went to the sperm clinic earlier
The lady asked ‘would you like to masturbate in the cup?’
I replied ‘I’m good, I’m not ready to compete in a tournament yet.’...
How Storms, Missteps and an Ailing Grid Left Puerto Rico in the Dark
How Storms, Missteps and an Ailing Grid Left Puerto Rico in the Dark
It took months to restore electricity in Puerto Rico after hurricanes dealt a one-two punch. Many homes are still without power, and the system's future is far from certain.
May 7, 2018 at 06:32PM
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A drunk walks into a bar....
....orders a drink and says to the bartender, "lawyers are all assholes!"
The guy at the end of the bar says "you better take that back!"
The drunk man asks, "why, are you a lawyer?"
The man says "NO, I’m an asshole!"...
A guy finds his dog with the neighbours pet rabbit in its mouth
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried...
A man and a woman get married
After twenty years of marriage, the wife tragically passes away before her time.
As they are carrying the casket in the church, one of the pall bearers bumps it on a corner, and from the casket they hear a gasp.
The woman climbs out of the casket, it's a miracle, she's on the news, people praise the Lord, and she lives another twenty years.
As they're carrying the casket through the church for the second time twenty years later, the husband murmurs to the other pall bearers, "Careful, watch out for that corner..."...
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and...
Penis modification technique
A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this tribe reaches a certain age , he has a string with a weight attached to it, tied around his penis. After a while, the weight stretches the penis until it’s 20 inches long.
Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower , his wife said ,”let’s try the African string and weight technique hon”
The husband agreed and they tied a string with a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked , “How is our little experiment...
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”...
Chủ Nhật, 6 tháng 5, 2018
During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."
The patient said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
“Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your ass."...
"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."
So, story is set in Northern Ireland, at a small, very poor farm. Kind of long, stick with it!
There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husband and the dead cow, and hangs herself to death because she doesn't know what to do.
About an hour later, the younger sister comes home, sees the disturbing...
Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!
Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.
-- Did he say where he got it?
-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.
The father, cleaning his tears:
-- Did he really say that?...
Are My Testicles Black?
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment...
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