Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, dear," replied granny, "many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church...

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Have a turkish joke

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"...

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Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors...

...who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Dave also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Johnny doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White...

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I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party....

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Why can't miss piggy count to 100?

She has a frog in her throat at 69...

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What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage?

"Let us prey."...

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An engineer who was unemployed....

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." . Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and...

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Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick..

How low can you get?...

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"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss

"Just pop it in the corner" he said 3 fucking hours, it took me....

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I broke my finger last week

On the other hand, I'm okay...

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I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.

I always find myself taking steps to avoid them....

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An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"...

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Marriage is like a deck of cards

You start with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing you had a club and a spade....

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“Father, do you have anything to declare?”

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course you may. What can I do for you?” “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, the young...

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Why Your Brain Can't Let Go Of A Grudge

Why Your Brain Can't Let Go Of A Grudge Feuds seem to be an indelible aspect of the human condition, but why should this be? We spoke to the experts to find out why we love to hold a grudge, and the importance of letting go. August 30, 2018 at 10:26PM via Digg https://ift.tt/2onuS...

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I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them....

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A guy walks into a bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."

The bartender tells him, "I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!" The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer. The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please." The bartender asks him, "It didn't work, huh?" The guy says, "N-n-nope. B-but y-your h-h-house is r-r-really n-n-nice."...

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I'm against lesbian couples adopting a child...

Which one is going to tell the dad jokes?...

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A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen are debating philosophy.

The question arises over the course of their debates: What separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being...

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What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A seat-belt....

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10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book. One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them. To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"...

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I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer....

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A boy calls 9-11.

"9-11 what is your emergency?" The boy replied, "My parents are fighting and I'm scared.." "Well who's your father?" "Well that's what they're fighting about."...

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An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone....

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twelve year old son

“I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women’s skirts today,” a man told the barman after his second whiskey. “That’s pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn’t it?” The barman said. “Not on fucking eBay it isn’t!”...

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My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly

I'm not a fan....

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After 23 school shootings in 2018

We did it. We finally banned straws....

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How does The Rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson. Edit: Guilded?? For this?!? HAHAHAHA That’s the funniest thing to happen all week! It’s been a rough week for me. Meh. Thanks, kind stranger!! Totally brightened my day!...

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context....

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Money for Nothing

Money for Nothing Many jobs are pointless. Others are being automated away. In the future, who will still work for a paycheck? August 30, 2018 at 01:25AM via Digg https://ift.tt/2N2b3...

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Why are gay men so well dressed?

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing....

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A company had a position open that required a great deal of sensitivity dealing with people...

A company had a position open that required a great deal of sensitivity dealing with people. They devised a strategy to weed out inappropriate candidates during the interview. They had a person working for the company who was born without ears, so they had him perform the interviews. The first interviewee fails immediately when he walks in and says, "Dude, what happened to your ears?" The second never made mention of the interviewer's lack of ears, but was very obviously looking at where his ears should have been. The third walked in, sat calmly,...

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How many dads does it take to change a lightbulb?

Into what?...

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Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."...

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A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting

I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer....

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A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library...

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right? The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I'M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!" All the people in the library...

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I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns...

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The 6th grade science teacher...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to...

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A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!" The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news." Immediately thinking the worst, the mother asks "Oh my God, what's wrong?" "Well, you were recovering for a long time," the doctor says solemnly, "we had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them..." Shocked, the mother asks "What did he name the girl?" The doctor lets out a sigh and says "Denise." "Oh!"...

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"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"...

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An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?" The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."...

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What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat....

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A man running from the police runs into the Catholic church and hides in confession box..

Another person enters the other side and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned" The man not wanting to get caught says, "What have you done my daughter?" She says, "I have had anal sex with my boyfriend, I know sex is for making children, please forgive me . What is my penance?" The man not knowing what to say, quickly opens his side of the confession box and sees a choir boy walking by , "Hey Kid what does the Priest give for anal sex?" He responds, "A can of pop and a bag of chips"...

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My wife left me, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/gonewild.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules. They don't allow reposts....

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The Man Who Was Raised By Wolves

The Man Who Was Raised By Wolves Abandoned as a child, Marcos Rodríguez Pantoja survived alone in the wild for 15 years. But living with people proved to be even more difficult. August 28, 2018 at 07:49PM via Digg https://ift.tt/2LzM0...

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Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."...

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Whoever coined the phrase “dad bod” missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"...

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What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine....

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An ant knocked on the door of a house.

The house owner opened the door. "I want a place to stay," said the ant. "I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free" said the owner. Thankful, the ant went inside and occupied the vacant room. After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the owner, "Can you please allow this fellow ant to stay with me?" "Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner. After some days the ant brought a third ant and requested the owner to allow it to stay with them. The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent. This...

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What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?

HDMI...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it." The man perplexed asks, "Well,...

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What did the 0 say to the 8?

Why is your belt so tight?...

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I went for an early walk through the cemetery yesterday.

And as I walked I saw a man squatting behind a gravestone. “Morning” I said to him, to which he replied “no, just taking a shit”....

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As a kid I was made to walk the plank

We couldn't afford a dog...

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A lady sneezes on a plane

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the...

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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a pregnant lady was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach. She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, all her 3 children (including her) were safe still had the bullets in their bodies. The doctor said that they should be fine, but there are risks and they'll be operated when their bodies are mature enough. They were triplets. Fast forward to 15 years, one day the first daughter comes up to her mother and...

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During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries”

Apparently “through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting....

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I Germans and an Italian

At the end of WW2, as the Allies were starting to win, there were 3 prisoners of war held together in a cell. Two were German officers and one an Italian soldier. The men were to be held for questioning. The first day the Allied soldiers took the first German in to be questioned. The guards sit him in a chair and tie his arm behind him so he can't move. They pressed and pressed but after hours of interrogation he finally cracks and gives away some key troop positioning. The intel is confirmed good and he is thrown back in the cell only a little...

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I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company....

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3 guys were riding in a car; a hardware technician, a systems analyst and a programmer.

The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control. So, he pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation. Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. " Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes." Programmer: "Why don't we just get back...

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What do the Titanic and Sixth Sense have in common

Icy Dead People...

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Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray."

Blonde: "I've never dated anyone by that name."...

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If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction....

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Woman's Juggling Trick Is Wildly Satisfying

Woman's Juggling Trick Is Wildly Satisfying We've found our newest Instagram obsession, and we are thoroughly relaxed. August 28, 2018 at 03:10AM via Digg https://ift.tt/2ocRQ...

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The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut....

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because this stupid parrot keeps reposting crappy jokes" said the pet store employee....

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What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One is an elephant....

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Don’t be ashamed of who you are

That’s your parents’ job....

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Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.

Oxytocin is known to increase erotic vocalizations during sex. Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients. It's a very powerful whore-moan....

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A little boy was doing his math homework

...saying to himself, 2+5 the son of bitch is 7, 3+6 the son of bitch is 9 His mother heard this & asked "Why are you swearing?" Boy, "Mom this is how the teacher taught us all." Furious, the mother called the teacher: "Are u teaching math to children by saying 2+2, the son of bitch is 4?" The teacher started laughing & answered: "What I taught them was, 2+2, the sum of which is 4"...

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Why can a 747 never crash?

When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'...

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A woman gets married and has 10 kids.

Eventually, her husband dies, and she waits a year to grieve and gets married a second time. With that husband she has 8 kids. That husband also dies, so she ends up getting married a third time. She has 6 kids with this man. After a few years, this husband also dies. Finally, the woman dies a few years later. At her funeral, the priest exclaims "Praise Jesus, for they have finally been brought together again at long last!" One if her friends in the audience asks her husband "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The husband...

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"I'm leaving you!..."

“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!” “But honey, what about our child?” “What child?!” “Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”...

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Three Russians are sitting together in the train that takes them to the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."...

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By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

Guaranteed reposts. https://discord.gg/66qyTgJ or https://discord.gg/jokes...

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A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. "What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee. "I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. `"Try it now,'' said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. "Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?'' "BP,'' answered...

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I’m a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 million years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago....

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A philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

A philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks. The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!" They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!" The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher. "Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."...

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Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith" Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself" He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants...

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John McCain Dies At 81

John McCain Dies At 81 McCain, a longtime Republican Senator, died on Saturday, little more than a year after he was told he had brain cancer. August 26, 2018 at 07:34AM via Digg https://ift.tt/2o9Bj...

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Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he's so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man...

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I was voted “Least likely to Suceed” by my high school class.

I hate being a teacher....

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Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are,...

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A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his crotch

When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a sexy woman, the hat would lift by itself."...

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My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well......

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer". Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower: "Dave, is that you?"....

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I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs...

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"I'd like this book on revenge please"

Cashier: "You'll pay for that."...

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John dies and passes on to the afterlife...

He comes to, looks around and finds himself in what looks like the dirtiest alley of the world's worst urban center. As he's trying to come to terms with what's happening he hears a voice say, "Hey there old friend, fancy meeting you here." John looks up and sees his old friend Jack! "Jack, how is this possible? I though you died in a car wreck almost five years ago..." Jack replies, "I did, and it looks like you died too. Come on, let's get you some food and I'll explain everything." Jack leads John to what looks like a soup kitchen, inside is...

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What happens when you neglect to pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed....

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A Pop Star, A Protest, And A Likely Case Of Torture In Uganda

A Pop Star, A Protest, And A Likely Case Of Torture In Uganda The singer-turned-legislator Bobi Wine disappeared into government custody more than a week ago. When he re-emerged, he could barely stand up. August 26, 2018 at 09:03PM via Digg https://ift.tt/2PCag...

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How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished....

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A young man gets a job at the local grocery store.

His job is to bag the customers' groceries at checkout. It's mindless work, but he does not complain and performs his job well. After working in the store for a couple of months, the store's produce section gets a juicing machine. Customers bring their selections of fruits and vegetables to the machine and an attendant juices the produce for them, making the freshest of juices. The young man, wanting to move beyond bagging groceries, asks the manager if he can have the job of juice machine attendant. The manager denies his request. The young man...

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A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said “Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue.” The lover did that. The husband walked into the room. “Honey, what’s this statue doing here?” He asked. “I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well.” She replied. The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue. “Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3...

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The best insult ever is, "who is this clown?", because...

1- You are calling them a clown 2- You are saying they are not even a well known clown...

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A man goes to a doctor because he has a tapeworm

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told. The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass. The doctor then says to him: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The man is very confused but does as he’s told. The patient and the doctor repeat this process for 5 days. On the sixth day, the doctor tells the patient: Tomorrow bring two bananas but instead of a Snickers...

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A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play. While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks "oh did you want a turn?" And he says "no, I mean I'm the developer, I made the game." So the barkeep says "oh shit, have a free beer then." So the developer takes the beer and sits next to the gamer to watch him play. Then a third guy walks in and says to...

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When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle. I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke....

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Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking. Bedtime comes around, the husband starts getting amorous. Wife says: "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand!"...

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A man in an unhappy marriage has an attractive secretary

One day, the sexual tension between him and his secretary gets to be too much to bear, and in the middle of the work day they rush out in secret, grab a hotel, and fuck all afternoon. The sex was so good that both of them pass out. When the man wakes up, he realizes it's 7:00 pm, and he's late for dinner. Realizing that his wife is going to be very angry at him and demand to know where he's been, he decides to take his shoes and run them through the grass outside as much as he can. After his shoes get good and scuffed with grass, he drives home. His...

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Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM

I asked him what he was doing and he said he was checking his balance....

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A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"

Man: Yeah. Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3. Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00, including the tip. Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct? Man: Correct. Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct. Woman: Do you know that if you didn't...

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Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00..

Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers.. Riceless...

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Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

My bosses tie...

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I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home.

She smiled and said “yes!” But seemed very surprised when I took her cardboard box and walked away....

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A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told him, that's the last thing I need....

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Two monkeys, one is lucky and the other is not...

Everyday they go to a banana farm and the lucky one climbs a tree and throws the bananas to the other one. And everyday, the farm owner gathers the farmers and catch the unlucky monkey and beat him. One day, the unlucky monkey is fed up with the beating and tells the lucky monkey to wait while he climbs the tree and throw the bananas. This time, the farmers catch the lucky monkey. The farm owner says: Leave him, we have already beaten him many times. Get me that motherfucker on the tree this time....

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I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware....

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Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested....

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"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes, we arson."...

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What’s the difference between America and Ethiopia

There’s Ethiopian food in America...

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Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken always comes in another box....

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat...

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Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.....

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What's one thing you dont want to have while putting out a fire?

Verizon Wireless....

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How many ants does it take to fill an apartment

Tenants...

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The Best Movies Of 1998

The Best Movies Of 1998 Two decades later, they still shine, if only a little less bright than a diamond necklace dropped to the bottom of the ocean. August 25, 2018 at 12:39AM via Digg https://ift.tt/2waJq...

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A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets. Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-sized teddy bears, and on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he's gentle and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She goes down on him, and lets him...

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You know the saying "bros before hoes"?

Well, I've found out how I can balance my relationships between the two evenly... ​ ...a homie-hoe-stasis, if you will...

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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall. "Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?" The bartender said, "Oh that's a moose!" The Scotsman bugged out his eyes and cried, "Holy crap! How big are the cats?!"...

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I got fired from my job at a carpet shop

Apparently asking customers "fancy a shag?" is inappropriate ?...

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This lady at the pub...

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender....

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Satan Appears in a Church

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The...

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My black friend and I were in the library when he asked where the coloured printer was.

I said, "Shit, man, it's 2018. You can use whatever printer you want."...

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Give a man an egg and he’ll eat for a day

Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you’re “taking science too far.”...

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A guy goes to a museum

On the tour, the tour guide shows them an exhibition and tells them, "this is the very first, teepee designed to securely hold criminals. The Native Americans used it to house convicts". The next day, the guy is passing the museum and sees they are taking down the name on the front of the museum. He sees the tour guide observing the work, so he decides to inquire if the museum is being closed down. Tour guide: No, we're just changing the name. Visitor: Oh, why is that? Tour Guide: You know that exhibition I showed you yesterday, the very first...

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If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

They become VERY ANGRY....

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An old man in a wheel chair stole my camouflage jacket.

Bastard can hide but he can't run....

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So i just ate at this new restaurant called “Karma”

They don’t have menus, they just give you what you deserve....

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On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters.

She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough. "That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation...

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A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental....

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died....

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Boobs are like legos

They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them...

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unemployed

Guy works in the pickle factory, comes home after work and tells his wife, "Bad news, honey. I've been fired". "What? Why? What happened?" "Well, I've always wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer and, well, today I finally did it." "My god, no! Are you okay?" "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." "What about the pickle slicer?" "They fired her, too."...

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Hurricane Lane Is The Biggest Weather Threat To Hawaii In Decades

Hurricane Lane Is The Biggest Weather Threat To Hawaii In Decades Over a million people in Hawaii are already seeing the first signs of Hurricane Lane, a Category 4 cyclone that could become the first major hurricane to make landfall there in 26 years. August 23, 2018 at 07:40PM via Digg https://ift.tt/2BDNh...

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble. Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?' The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect. Jonny replied 'That's good cos he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!'...

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I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"

Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will"....

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Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use twice a year...

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What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?

White people looking both ways before they start...

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A guy hasn’t had sex in a while...(long)

A guy hasn’t had sex in a while so his friend says he should get a hooker. He asks his friend how to spot a hooker, to which his friend says,” I know the perfect place, just meet me at the old Riverside Run Bar and Grill tonight.” Although he was hesitant, his hormones get the best of him so that night he goes and meets his friend at the bar. They’re hanging around when they spot a very beautiful woman, dressed in all red, who keeps walking outside with men and coming back in with wads of cash. Finally after working a bit of courage he goes to...

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage." With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number. "Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers. "No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end. "You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like." He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks. "Hi, can...

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Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear

He asked me to describe the symptoms. I said “homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair”...

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Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus".

Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids"....

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Today I decided I won't smoke anymore

I won't smoke any less either though....

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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Saturday, Sunday...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water...

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I went to get a prostate exam and the doctor told me I need to stop masterbating...

I asked why? He said, "because I'm trying to examine you."...

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My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish...

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What does titanic and the sixth sense have in common?

Icy dead people...

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A father walks in on his daughter having sex

Father: What the hell is going on in here?! Daughter: Dad! Oh my god, I’m sorry! Father: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad! the father turns to her boyfriend Father: Are you fucking sorry?...

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Two rednecks are out having a nice dinner

Two redneck buddies are out having a nice dinner. The restaurant was overflowing with people chatting and chewing. Right as the two of them were about to order dessert they hear: “someone help! She’s choking!” from across the restaurant. One of the rednecks jumps up and tears through the crowd yelling “I got this!” He finally reaches the choking woman right as her lips started to turn blue. He takes her by the shoulders from behind and forces her to bend over. While one swift move he bends down behind her, lifts her dress, and licks her right...

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We All Live In Parasocial Hell

We All Live In Parasocial Hell There's an academic term for one-sided, media-enabled relationships: parasocial relationships. Video essayist Shannon Strucci is helping spread it to an online audience that desperately needs the language. August 22, 2018 at 06:52PM via Digg https://ift.tt/2LgAE...

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Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says

"How do you drive this thing?"...

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So I was walking downstairs from my apartment and my elbow hit the chest of a girl whom I had never seen.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your chest then you will forgive me", I said to her. "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I live on the 4th floor", she replied....

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A joke is like a frog

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it....

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Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password

It just isn't stroganoff....

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My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.”

Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby....

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What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow....

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Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants...

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A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:

Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."...

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A man with a 20 inch penis goes to the doctor

He says "Doc, 20 inches is way too much! I'm having trouble with my daily life, and no woman even dares to come near me! This thing has ruined my life! Is it possible to reduce it to something more manageable?" "Surgery can't help," the doctor explains. "But while I can't recommend this officially as a physician, there's a method I've heard of that could help you out. Just out of the city, in the swamps down south, there's a golden frog that can talk. Find it, then ask it to marry you. It'll say no, of course, but every time it does your penis...

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New research shows 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

This is my first time. Please be gentle....

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How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all your booze?

Invite two of them!!...

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My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats.

Guess I can’t go on tumblr anymore....

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I purchased a deodorant stick today

Instructions say, “Remove cap and push up bottom” I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I fart....

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Yo momma is so fat

that when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up....

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My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said....

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy...

....it feels good but then you look down and realize you’re gay....

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Turns Out Border Collies, Like Us, Enjoy Revisiting Their Greatest Accomplishments

Turns Out Border Collies, Like Us, Enjoy Revisiting Their Greatest Accomplishments Look, if you had won the 2017 Purina Pro Plan Incredible Dog Challenge, you'd probably feel pretty damn ecstatic when watching the video of your victory, too. August 21, 2018 at 10:07PM via Digg https://ift.tt/2w4dH...

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Why were the Mongols always so happy?

They were nomads....

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Wedding night revelations

A very religious couple, who have saved themselves until marriage, rush to their hotel room after the wedding ceremonies. Before they go in, the bride, embarassed, says: -My darling, I have a confession to make... I've been wearing padded bras this whole time, my boobs are so very small... To which the husband responds, lovingly: -It's ok my darling, I love you whole, big tits or not! That said, I feel i have to say, I've got a baby-sized dick... -That's all fine my love, i'll love you no matter what! They proceed into the room, the groom starts...

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What's a police officer's favorite gaming console?

Wii U Wii U Wii U...

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Two farmers are walking through a field...

Two farmers are walking through a field and come across a huge sinkhole in the ground. “Wow!” says the first farmer, “I wonder how far down this thing goes.” He takes a penny from his pocket and throws it into the sinkhole. The two farmers listen, but they never hear it hit the bottom. The second farmer picks up a large rock off the ground and throws it into the sinkhole Again, both farmers listen, but they never hear the rock hit the bottom. The second farmer spies an anvil a few feet away, and together the two farmers struggle to haul the anvil...

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Reddit servers went down today, so I went downstairs and spoke with my family.

They seem like nice people....

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What did God say after creating the first digestive system?

Shit just got real....

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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot...

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How many of you forgave your enemies?

During Sunday mass, the priest asked the crowd: -"How many of you forgave your enemies?" Around 80% of them raised their hands. The priest then asked: "And how many of you intend to forgive your enemies?", and almost everyone's hand was now in the air. Everyone except a feeble, old lady in the front row. -"Ms. Rogers, don't you intend on forgiving your enemies?" -"I don't have any!", she replied through a chuckle. -"Ms. Rogers, that's very unusual, how old are you?" -"98", she proclaimed. -"Oh, ms. Rogers, why don't you come up and share the secret...

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your...

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The next time your wife gets angry...

put a cape (or bath towel) over her shoulders then tell her: "Now, you're Super Angry!" Maybe she'll laugh...or maybe you'll die....

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I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week.

But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now....

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A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

A man goes into the doctors with butt pain Man: Doctor my butt really hurts, I need help Doctor: Can I take a look? Man: Sure Doctor: It seems you have a piece of lettuce stuck inside your butt Man: That's just the tip of the iceberg...

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It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips

So now I only let her do it when it’s my turn to drive...

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A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska, and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska, you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman." The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky from the counter and painfully chugging it down. He then says that he'll be right back and ambles out the door. A few hours later he stumbles back into the bar all mangled and bloody and says, "I did it! Now where's that Eskimo woman I'm supposed to shoot?"...

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My carbon monoxide detector won’t stop beeping.

It’s giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea....

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What goes down longer than a dirty street hooker?

Reddit's servers....

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I wish I could be ugly for one day

Being ugly everyday sucks...

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America’s Invisible Pot Addicts

America’s Invisible Pot Addicts More and more Americans are reporting near-constant cannabis use, as legalization forges ahead. August 20, 2018 at 07:39PM via Digg https://ift.tt/2N2qc...

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Why was C afraid of every other letter in the alphabet?

Because all the other letters were not-C’s...

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My mom opened the door and caught me masturbating.

I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!" Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"...

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Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem." The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?" "Yes, it's absolutely sweltering" "Then get some air-con" "I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor" "Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?" "Yeah, I've got a mate Francis" "Well, ask your mate Francis to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help." So, Dave asks Francis for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife,...

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How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!...

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My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend....

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How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. Men can be Feminists, too....

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A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church

The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me ”...

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Highway Dildo

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom. When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield The little girl asks: Mommy, what was that? The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: It was just a bug honey. The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: It sure had a big dick....

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Will transparent coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen....

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A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses,...

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my...

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My friend Dave drowned.

At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted....

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How did Chris brown’s girlfriend find out that he was cheating on her?

She found another girl’s lipstick on his fist....

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Tell the punchline first.

How do you ruin a joke?...

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I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"...

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An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge, when suddenly a bald old woman appears. "I am the witch who guards this bridge. Ye may only pass if you present to me a challenge which I cannot do." The Englishman steps up first: "I was the best footballer in my hometown. I bet you cannot kick a football further than me." So the Englishman kicks a football, and it goes off into the distance, 5 football fields or so away. However the bald witch steps up and easily kicks the football twice as far. The Scotsman is next to challenge...

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BUBBA died in a FIRE!!

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together!!!!! Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body. Gary looked at the body...

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator....

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This Jenga Illusion Will Blow Your Mind For A Brief Moment

This Jenga Illusion Will Blow Your Mind For A Brief Moment ​We just wish the reveal would've come a bit later. August 20, 2018 at 05:36AM via Digg https://ift.tt/2nQ2i...

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Without the Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.

We would have IX/XI instead...

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I was reading a horror story in Braille, something bad was about to happen

I could feel it...

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A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At noon cock again screws 150 hens. Next day, it's fucking the ducks and geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" Cock opens one eye, points up and says, "shhh! They're about to land!"...

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The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." Leviticus 20:13 ESV ...

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What It's Like to Be A Big-Time Female Weed Trafficker

What It's Like to Be A Big-Time Female Weed Trafficker "I am Queen C; I am this badass bitch. But I do have this secret." August 19, 2018 at 11:01PM via Digg https://ift.tt/2vX6y...

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If I had a dollar everytime I thought about you

I would start thinking about you...

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Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish? Dave: I want to be rich Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish? Rich: I want a lot of money...

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Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"...

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I started up a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof....

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A buddy said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” -

I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”...

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I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but then he fell asleep...

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If not using commas was a crime

would it result in long sentences?...

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If two redheads have a child, it’s ginger-bred.

Yeah I reposted this for the 6th time in six years on this sub...

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My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan...

It's like I've never seen herbivore....

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If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on…

I’d be like “Yo, what’s with all these dimes?”...

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Did you hear about the mime that hung himself at the Trump rally?

He's fine -- fake noose....

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A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are. The man realizes there could be benefits to either choice. Perhaps the box of novels could be about sailing or survival. On the other hand the criminals could be experienced in sailing or survival. He decides the most important thing about either is gonna be how heavy they are....

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As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is flawless....

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A frog goes to a bank.

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?'' The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?'' ''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.'' The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?'' The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.'' ''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?'' ''Yeah, he's my dad.'' ''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?'' The frog hands over a pink...

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An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheating. He mentions this to the little demon and suggests he could try to fix things. He also had a few ideas about redesigning the place to make it more efficient. The demon takes him to Lucifer, and Lucifer is enthusiastic about the whole idea and gives...

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When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor. Edit: Bloody hell, gold at 3 upvotes. Thanks Batman!...

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I had an idea for a movie plot.

A retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too....

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I remember when I worked at the United Nations

And one day one of the secretaries asked me to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine. Of course, I called him immediately. "Kofi" I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"...

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I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian....

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A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage... After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"...

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After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this: "Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence." OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?...

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So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS

... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists...

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What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray...

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Four guys are out golfing and as the foresome is about to tee off, one of they guys excuses himself to take a piss. As the other three are waiting for him, they start talking.

The first guy says, "my son is doing so well that he just gave his best friend an entire stock portfolio." Being a very impressive gift, the others obviously have to one-up him. The second guy says, "well, my son is doing so well that he just bought his best friend a brand new Mercedes." Indeed, even more impressive. Then the third guy says, "yeah, well my son is doing so well that he just bought his best friend a brand new house." Just then the fourth guy returns and asks what everyone has been talking about so they tell him. He says, "well,...

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There are two sisters...

... one is blonde and the other is brunette and they inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides...

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Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card

She’s not sick, I just think she could get better...

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In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes...

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Homeowner Devises Masterfully Passive-Aggressive Way To Shame People Who Don't Pick Up Their Dogs' Poop

Homeowner Devises Masterfully Passive-Aggressive Way To Shame People Who Don't Pick Up Their Dogs' Poop ​Tired of people leaving their dogs' poop on your curb? Here's your solution. August 17, 2018 at 08:02PM via Digg https://ift.tt/2OF59...

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