"Until the pressure got to him."
Thứ Ba, 30 tháng 4, 2019
Huge Supermassive Endgame Spoiler
Ok now that all the nerds are gone, I'm throwing an epic party at my house tomorrow and you're all invited!
My wife put on a sexy cop outfit..
My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.
After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.
“Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
A lawyer was walking down the street...
When he spotted a woman with spectacular breasts. He immediately offered her $100 if she would let him bite them. “No way!” She exclaimed “What about for $1000?” He persisted “No certainly not what kind of woman do you think I am?” “You wouldn’t even do it for $10,000,” he asked. The woman was astounded. “You’ll pay me $10,000 if I let you bite my breasts?” “That’s correct.” “Okay let’s go over to that alley.” Once in the alley she took off her blouse and the lawyer felt them, kissed them, and sucked them. She was beginning to get impatient. “Are you gonna bite them or what?” she snapped. “No,” he said “too expensive”
A man and his son are driving past a graveyard.
Suddenly, the son leans forward and asks, "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
Surprised, the man said, "Of course not! Why ask such a question?"
His son replied, well I read a gravestone that read, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man".
Son asked his dad “Dad, what is an alcoholic?”
Dad replied “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.”
“Dad, I only see two trees”
The Stolen Kids Of Sarah Lawrence
The Stolen Kids Of Sarah Lawrence
What happened to the group of bright college students who fell under the sway of a classmate's father?
April 29, 2019 at 09:23PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2Dy0TdR
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
’About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
Thứ Hai, 29 tháng 4, 2019
A blind man walks into the restaurant..
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife.
He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."
Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."
Sylvester says, "Let us hear it."
So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers."
That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach."
A Sunday school teacher asked her class to learn one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each of them what they had found.
Susie said, “He was placed in a manger.”
Bobby said, “He threw money changers out of the temple.”
Little Johnny said, “He has a pick-up truck but doesn’t know how to drive it.”
Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you find that?”
“From my daddy.” He replied. “Yesterday, we were driving down the highway, and this red pick-up truck pulled out in front of us and daddy yelled at him,
‘Jesus Christ, why don’t you learn how to drive!’ “
One time last year when I was in Baltimore out late, I got jumped by three big black guys.
They were real nice, car started right up with no problems, and they even helped me get back to the interstate.
Man says to his boss “Can we talk? I have a problem.”
Boss says “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”
Man says “Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
Biker Expertly Hoodwinks The Authorities, Escapes Without Detection
Biker Expertly Hoodwinks The Authorities, Escapes Without Detection
We don't condone road-rage or breaking traffic rules, however this nifty deception helped this biker avoid his police tail.
April 29, 2019 at 01:58AM
via Digg https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&utm_source=ifttt&v=NKG0pjr6bo0
Little Johnny
The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:
"Mary had a little lamb,
Whose fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go."
She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny stood up and said,
"Mary had a little pig, An ornery little runt,
He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes
And smelled her little . . ."
He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"
"Prose!" the teacher said. "Prose!"
So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."
Two business men are flying first class on an airplane...
They are both wearing suits, carrying briefcases, and both of them have a black eye.
Wondering what the odds of their circumstances are, they start up a conversation
Man #1: “Hey buddy, kinda funny that we’re both dressed for business, flying first class, and we both have black eyes. How’d you get yours?”
Man #2: “Well it’s funny you should ask, it was a funny slip of the tongue that got me my black eye. I was in line buying tickets for this flight and the woman behind the counter had enormous breasts. So instead of saying ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh’ I said ‘two pickets to Tittsburgh’ and she punched me right in the eye.”
Man #1: “No way! I also got my black eye from a slip of the tongue! I was having breakfast with my wife this morning and what I meant to say was ‘honey can you pass the Cheerios?’ but what I actually said was ‘you ruined my life you fucking bitch’.”
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the goddamn drywall.”
Chủ Nhật, 28 tháng 4, 2019
A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist are at a mental institution.
The zoophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat.”
The sadist says, “Let’s fuck a cat and then torture it.”
The murderer says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, and then kill it.”
The necrophile says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, and then fuck it again.”
The pyromaniac says, “Let’s fuck a cat, torture it, kill it, fuck it again, and then burn it.”
The masochist says, “Meow.”
A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...
Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 200$ FOR A BJ?"
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
The Night John Belushi Died
The Night John Belushi Died
In 'The Castle on Sunset' — currently being adapted into an HBO series by John Krasinski and Aaron Sorkin — Hollywood historian Shawn Levy retraces the comedian's final days inside the legendary hotel where pal Robert De Niro stopped by to snort cocaine just hours before his death and the hotel's famed discretion was put to the ultimate test.
April 27, 2019 at 08:05PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2La5NDZ
“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”
“Sir, do you mean a choir?”
“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”
What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?
At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.
His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison. When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto had ever met. Big Joel helped him through his day, showing him where to eat, shower, and work out. Myto woke up every morning and had a Chocolate Brownie for breakfast. The only brownies the prison sold were from a strange company called Dria. Every night, however, Myto noticed something. The power always went out at exactly 9 PM. Being an electrical engineer, Myto decided to find out why this was the case. He asked his bunkmate, Big Joel why this happened. Big Joel shook his head and sighed. “Don’t know why it’s got to be this way. It just do. Power goes out every night at 9.” Myto was perplexed. He resolved to fix this issue using all his electrical engineering prowess. He realized that by using the strange brownies made by Dria, he could make a con brownie. He hid a very powerful battery that he stole from the guards and hooked it up to the wires of his cell. To his delight, the cell lit up! Of course, this didn’t sit well with the other prisoners. Why was Myto and Big Joel’s cell lighting up even after nine PM? One of the prisoners came up to Big Joel and asked him how the hell their cell was still lighting up. Big Joel promptly replied: Well, everyone knows Myto’s con Dria is the powerhouse of the cell
A husband and wife were having a bad day.
They were arguing a lot until the wife got fed up and said to just write her a note if he really wanted to talk to her. He agreed, so for the rest of the day they passed notes here and there.
At night the husband left a note on the table saying “please wake me up at 6 A.M, I have to wake up early for work.” He went to sleep and all was well.
The next morning he woke up and immediately realized something was wrong, he was too rested for comfort. He looked at the time and panicked because it was already 9. He ran to his wife and asked why she didn’t wake him up. She glanced at the table.
Next to his note was another one. He opened it and it said “wake up, it’s 6 A.M.”
Thứ Bảy, 27 tháng 4, 2019
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."
Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today?”
The kid says “One”.
The boss says “Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says “$165,000”.
The boss says “$165,000? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’ ”
TurboTax Deliberately Hides Its Free File Page From Search Engines
TurboTax Deliberately Hides Its Free File Page From Search Engines
The makers of TurboTax as well as H&R Block promised the IRS to offer free filing for many Americans. But they're keeping Google from seeing it.
April 26, 2019 at 09:57PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2ZzfL4Y
A man goes to the track and bets $2 on a long shot and wins $18.
So he puts that $18 in the 2nd race and wins again $128. Again he puts it all on a long shot in the 3rd
race and again wins $770!
He keep doing this for each race, and finally on the last race he puts his entire winnings so far - $1,941,550!
The crowds are all around him watching this race, because at 8:1 odds he can win $15,532,402!
They're off! Everybody is cheering an urging on the horse, who seems to slide back a bit, and comes in last! Everybody
is so disappointed - a truly exciting day.
The man goes home and his friend asks him how'd he do at the truck. He answers: "I lost $2."
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"
Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender."
I just heard this one, so sorry if it's a repeat.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no! Not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
Edit. What did he name the boy, not she.
I wanted to get to know the new priest at my church.
My priest and I agreed to go fishing. We sat there talking and waiting for a bite until, finally, the priest snagged a large fish. As I helped him pull it out of the water I said,"This is a big son of a bitch."
The priest stopped, "Son, why such salty language?"
Wanting to save face I quickly replied, "No, Father, that's the name of that fish. It's a Sonofabitch fish."
The priest was relieved and we began walking back to the rectory and a nun met us at the door. The priest greeted her and said, "Check out the Sonofabitch I just caught."
The nun, shocked, exclaimed, "Father, never in my life-"
The priest interrupted her and said, "No, Sister, that's the name. It's a Sonofabitch fish.
The nun was relieved and took the fish to be gutted. After gutting the fish, she brought it out back where the Deacon was heating up the grill. The nun said, "Deacon, here, I gutted this Sonofabitch for you."
The Deacon, shaking his head, said, "Sister, that language is unbecoming."
The nun replied, "No Deacon, that's the name. It's a Sonofabitch fish."
The Deacon shrugged it off and said, "Alright, I'll put it on the grill. The Bishop is coming over for dinner and he loves seafood."
When the Bishop arrived we all sat down at the table. The priest brings out the cooked fish and says, "I caught this Sonofabitch myself."
"And I gutted this Sonofabitch."
"And I grilled this Sonofabitch."
The Bishop looked around. He took his hat off, leaned in and said,
"Now you motherfuckers are my kind of people."
Thứ Sáu, 26 tháng 4, 2019
***WARNING: ENDGAME SPOILERS***
Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party going down at my place tomorrow night. Hit me up if you're interested.
Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is
The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"
The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent!"
The civil engineer says "No, you're both wrong. Who else but a civil engineer would run a sewer line trough a recreational area?"
Three men at a class about etiquette...
...are asked how they would tell a woman on a first date that they need to use the bathroom.
The first one shrugs. "Easy. I just tell her: Sorry, but I gotta go to the toilet." The teacher shakes his head disapprovingly. "No, no, way too blunt."
The second one goes: "Well, everyone has to go sometimes and it's time for me." "Not too bad", the teacher admits, "but still not quiet good."
The third man thinks for a while and then says: "Excuse me, my dear, I just have to go and shake an old friends hand. You will make his acquaintance later tonight."
I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME!" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
This Ape Figuring Out How To Use A Smartphone Is Getting Us Real Worried
This Ape Figuring Out How To Use A Smartphone Is Getting Us Real Worried
We had a good run, humanity, but now is the time for another simian species to succumb to the temptations of technology.
April 25, 2019 at 09:00PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2W3or1b
The vow of silence
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Hard bed," he says.
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.
They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"
He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."
Received a call from a female recruitment consultant.
She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!
I replied : Yes. I know 😊
There was a long silence and then she said:- asshole
I replied:- I prefer the other one...
Edit: Thank you for silver. Woohoo!
Thứ Năm, 25 tháng 4, 2019
What did the retiring domintrix say to her replacement?
"I'll show you the ropes."
(I just thought of this joke. I'm sure it's been made before, sorry.)
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off..
I said : son, that’s the fourth school this year.
Maybe teaching in an elementary school isnt for you
Guess my age....
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is weak. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds’.
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no,
and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.
The policeman approaches the drivers' door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point, the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony
If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:
"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes like this:
"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
And then there's a round of applause and everyone take their bows and and exits stage right. The conductor had a great idea though, and the basses practiced this in the weeks leading up to the concert. The would play their first note
"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
And then they would quietly lay down their basses on provided carpets, and exit the stage - waiting patiently to return an hour and a half later to play their final note:
"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
The night of the concert arrives, everyone is dressed to the nines (as is appropriate of course). The basses are shined and everyone is relaxed and ready. The conducter taps on his conducter's stand to get attention, raises his hands and with a gallant downstroke the basses play the ever living shit out of their note
"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
And then quietly lay down their instruments on the provided carpets and step behind the curtain. This is where things go awry,
"Hey guys," says the lead bass "I have a great idea. There's a bar across the street and we have at least an hour and a half before we play our next note. Let's slip across and have a couple pints!"
Everyone thinks this is a fantastic idea, so the entire section hops along to the bar and downs a couple pints. One of the second basses after a while gets a little conserned and asks the lead bass if it was time to go back. "No, we got time. See, I tied a string to the last page of the conductors score attached to a transciever. When he gets to that section I'll get a buzz on my phone and we can head back."
Everyone thinks that this is brilliant so they knock back a few more pints before suddenly the lead bass stands up and announces it's time to go. They bounce back across the street, through the musicians entrance, and up to the curtain to peek through and sure enough, they're right on time. So they slip through, pick up their instruments and look up at the conductor and...he is angry.
Super angry.
Ready to bust a blood vessel angry.
But you would be too wouldn't you? It was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.
Alex Honnold's Mom Wrote A Memoir
Alex Honnold's Mom Wrote A Memoir
Dierdre Wolownick gives us an inside look at what it was like to raise the "Free Solo" climber in "The Sharp End of Life."
April 25, 2019 at 04:44AM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2ION1iO
Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.
"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"
"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."
"What about if I were just to think it?"
"No sir. You can think whatever you like."
"In that case, I think you're a cunt."
Three women were returning to their village one night.
They spotted a man staggering ahead of them who was obviously very drunk. As they watched, he stumbled and fell face-down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud she couldn't tell, so she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."
The second woman, peering over the first woman's shoulder, agreed, "You're right, he's not your husband."
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not even from our village."
Thứ Tư, 24 tháng 4, 2019
A teacher asks her students what they want to be when they grow up.
Richard: I want to be a doctor! Tommy: I want to be a firefighter! Elizabeth: I want to be a mother!
The teacher then asks Jamal what he wants to do later.
Jamal: Help people.
Teacher: What kind of help?
Jamal: I want to help Elizabeth become a mother.
A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.
“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”
“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”
The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talking excitedly.
“The neighbors went to the show today and said the tightrope walkers were doing the Hokey Pokey right up there on the wire! Can you even imagine?”
“I’d love to take you,” said the man. “But the boss’ll be mad if I don’t get this project finished.”
The following night the wife gushed about how the paperboy told her about how a dozen clowns had popped out of this tiny car and did the can-can in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing he ever saw. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but work was work.
The night after, the wife was downcast.
“My book club said last night the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was just perfectly romantic,” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh please can’t we go?”
The man thinks it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.
The next day at work the boss notices the man is out and inquires about it with the friend.
“Oh,” says the friend. “He can’t come in today due to four unseen circus dances.”
Three sports fans leave a bar...
(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)
Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left breast. The Royals (my team) fan takes off his hat and covers her right breast. The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive. The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book. He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book. He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, "What was that? Haven't you seen one of those before?" The detective replies, "You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I see an asshole."
A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...
The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"
A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”
The man on his left says, “I think he means her legs.”
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy.
She walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...
The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."
She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soon, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here..."
She continues to try to get her babe to start feeding and finally in a stern tone tells the babe, "This is the last warning, you need to stop being fussy, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here..."
The man finally gets exasperated and says, "Lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off the bus three stops back!"
The Inside Story of John F. Kennedy Jr.'s George Magazine
The Inside Story of John F. Kennedy Jr.'s George Magazine
In the '90s, John F. Kennedy Jr. founded and edited a revolutionary magazine called George, which covered politics like it was pop culture. Was it folly — or a glimpse of the Trumpian future?
April 23, 2019 at 08:33PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2viwxYn
Before going to bed a girl says:
“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.”
The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again:
“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.”
The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says:
“Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.”
When the dad gets home from work he says “Honey I have had the most insane day!”
The Mother says: “Me too! The postman died on the front yard!”
This is classic Czech joke, I hope I transladed it well for you to understand the point.
Plane crashes on the island inhabitated only by cannibals. Only survivors are Czech, Russian, and American guy. The leader of cannibals tells them ,, everyone of us will bring us some fruit from the forest, or we will eat you”. American return with bag of apples, cannibals say ,, we will shove this apple up your ass, if you scream, we will eat you”. American starts screaming while they’re shoving the apple into his ass. Cannibals eat American, but then Czech returns with orange. They do the same, but Czech guy starts laughing instead of screaming. Cannibals ask him ,, why are you laughing, are you gay”?
Czech replies: ,,No, but I can’t help myself from laughing when I see that russian guy is carrying a watermelon”.
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.
His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?”
“Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s silence, and then a gunshot.
The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK, now what?”
Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 4, 2019
It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.
A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:
“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”
The man looked at Saint Peter and said
“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed! I looked all over the apartment but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.”
Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in.
Another man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died.
“Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!”
Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates.
Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him:
“Tell me about the day you died”
“Oh man Saint Peter you’re never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this...I’m butt naked hiding in a refrigerator...”
A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.
'Game Of Thrones' Fan Favorite Daniel Portman Has Big Pod Energy
'Game Of Thrones' Fan Favorite Daniel Portman Has Big Pod Energy
The most loyal squire in Westeros talks about Season Eight, his touching song in Episode Two, and why his sexually gifted character became so beloved by fans.
April 23, 2019 at 04:27AM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2VjNZdx
Little Johnny
One day in a school room:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
The argument
So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue."
And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”
Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
Thứ Hai, 22 tháng 4, 2019
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”
He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.
In order the figures were:
1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.
After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.
2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads:
"Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"
Anti vaxx joke
When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends! I’m Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmy’s folks were anti-vaxx and then he fucking died.
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
Blasts At Churches And Hotels In Sri Lanka Kill More Than 200
Blasts At Churches And Hotels In Sri Lanka Kill More Than 200
A series of coordinated bombings ripped across Sri Lanka on Sunday, striking hotels and churches, killing more than 200 people and shattering the relative calm that the war-torn nation had enjoyed in recent years.
April 21, 2019 at 07:56PM
via Digg https://nyti.ms/2vglRJK
A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.
The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.
Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.
The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.
“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”
“Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.
“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”
“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.
Pope: "Do you know Jesus?"
Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year."
Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millenniums and we're still waiting for his second coming."
Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
Pope: "Chocolate?"
Alien: "Every time he visits, we gather the best chocolate from each manufacturing plant and give them to him before he leaves. Why, what did you do the first time he came here?"
Chủ Nhật, 21 tháng 4, 2019
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.
And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.
At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
"Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"
"Mom, I'm dating a man."
"Whom, sweetheart?"
"Mike the mailman."
"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"
"But mom, age is just a number."
"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Dog Finally Catches Tail Then Experiences Existential Dread
Dog Finally Catches Tail Then Experiences Existential Dread
After Max the dog caught his tail, he went through a roller coaster of emotions.
April 21, 2019 at 04:36AM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2GxyOFq
Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...
"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
How the Germans bailed out Greece
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him 'services' on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
Thứ Bảy, 20 tháng 4, 2019
An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, “What is this, father?”
The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”
While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”
“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”
A man walks into a pub....
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you."
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."
My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.
“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said.
I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.
Living Off The Grid And Safe From Hurricanes In Puerto Rico
Living Off The Grid And Safe From Hurricanes In Puerto Rico
After Hurricane Maria devastated Puerto Rico, the Chaparros, like America's early frontier families, took matters into their own hands.
April 20, 2019 at 03:38AM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2IrAwuh
I haven't had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says “make my horse laugh and win $500”
So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves.
When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says “make my horse stop laughing and win $500”. So the guy once again goes to the back and pretty soon the laughter is replaced by sobbing. The bartender says I’ll give you the $500 but you have to tell me how you did it.
So the guy explains that the first week he told the horse “my dick is bigger than yours”. The bartender asks “so what did you tell him just now?”
“Nothing, I proved it”.
I saw a lady in tears at the store
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot.
payitforward
Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 4, 2019
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him...
She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies: "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says: "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly: "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
A nun is in the bath
Shes hears a knock on the door and a man says "can i come in".
"who are you?" she asks nervously.
"Im the blind man" he replies.
"Oh well in that case come in" she says relieved.
The man walks in.
"Nice tits" he says "Now where shall I hang these blinds?"
Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.
Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him.
This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought.
Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmer’s mouth, and he begin gasping for breath.
All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, “Mr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?” Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. “The real choke is always in the commons,” he said.
The Long, Strange History of Cargo Cults
The Long, Strange History of Cargo Cults
One day in 1900 or 1940, or at some point in between, a man whose name was John Frum — although he might not have been a man, and his name might not have been John Frum — arrived on Tanna island, in an archipelago that was then called the New Hebrides but is now called the Republic of Vanuatu.
April 18, 2019 at 09:07PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2GsHc8Y
The girl with no arms and legs laying by the pool
There’s a girl with no arms and legs laying by a pool.
She's tanning and enjoying herself when a handsome guy walks by and grabs her attention.
She yells over to him and asks if he can help her with something.
The guy feels bad for her so he walks over and asks her what she needs.
She says, “Well you see…I’m a virgin, and you are a very good looking guy."
The guy looks at her confused as to what she is hinting at.
She continues, "I've never had sex before, and I've always wanted to get fucked."
The guy responds, "Oh I see what you mean now."
So he throws her in the pool and says, “Now you’re fucked.”
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."
"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."
The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."
The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie.
"Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor.
"What the hell are you doing?" the man asks.
"Trust me," says the doctor.
The man, a little distressed, does as he's asked.
The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well.
"Come back in a week with another banana and cookie."
The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm.
The next week he returns with another banana and cookie.
"Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor.
After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, "OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer."
The man comes back with the requested items.
"Drop your pants and bend over the table."
Trembling, knowing what's coming, the man does as he's asked.
The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits... and waits... and waits...
Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, "Where's my cookie?"
And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"
Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.
He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ."
The Priest replies "No son, you're not!"
So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ."
He says "No son, you're not."
The drunk says "Look I can prove it."
He takes the two Priests into the bar.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"
Thứ Năm, 18 tháng 4, 2019
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.
He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.”
“Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.”
“I do,” the man answers.
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?”
“You tell me?” replied my wife.
I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”
“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”
I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
An adorable old woman visits the doctor.
“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.”
The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.”
“Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
Rules - for those on Mobile and New Reddit app.
Guidelines and Information
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Offensive jokes are fine as long as they are still jokes. We do make exceptions for extremely offensive jokes.
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Keep the comment section civil and light hearted.
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Personal attacks will not be tolerated. If you want to be a dick, go to /r/insults
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Jokes must be in text format, no emoji's or linking allowed. (YouTube, Imgur, etc)
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As a measure to prevent spam and reposts we are limiting the number of jokes a user can submit to 3 every 24 hours.
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This subreddit is not a platform for blatant self-promotion If you post a NSFW image/link in the comments, it must be tagged as NSFW (Nudity/gross images) or NSFL (Gore/extremely disturbing images, and only if relevant to the conversation)
A Brutal Supercut Of Fox News Hosts Bashing Obama For All The Things Trump Does Now
A Brutal Supercut Of Fox News Hosts Bashing Obama For All The Things Trump Does Now
The partisan tilt of Fox News is not exactly news, but this supercut from NowThis really puts into perspective the network's respective treatment of President Obama and President Trump.
April 17, 2019 at 10:25PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2DkHJYC
A mom wanted her three sons to stop swearing...
...so she decides she needs to start punishing her children.
The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast.
Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast.
Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over.
Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while.
Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal."
A man is lost in a hot air balloon
He sees a field below and descends to shout: "Hey can you tell me where I am? I'm trying to get to a friend whom I said I would meet in 30 minutes."
The man in the field says: "Yes, you are in a red hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above the ground, in the middle of this field"
"Ah, you must be an engineer", replies the balloonist
"I am indeed, but how did you know?", asks the man.
"Well", says the balloonist, "everything you've said is technically right, but is of no use to anyone"
To this, the man replies: "Any you must work in management"
The balloonist confirms this, but asks how the man knew.
"Well", replies the man, "You don't know where you are, how to get where you're heading, made a promise you can't keep. You expect me to be able to help, but after all this time, we're in the exact same position we were before, but now it's my fault"
Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."
Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"
Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"
Man: "Yes."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"
Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?"
Man: "Yes."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay."
Doc: "Do you stay up late?"
Man: "Yes."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall."
Doc: "Do you have sex often?"
Man: "Yes."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I’ll do that too."
Doc: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "Yes."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will."
Doc: "Do you drink?"
Man: "Yes..."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?"
Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.
Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me
A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.
"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."
The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community is great... you'll be fine, trust me."
The other guy seems to perk up and says, "Hey, thanks man, you've really calmed my nerves, I feel better. So what do you do in Detroit?"
"I'm a tail-gunner on a Bud Light truck..."
My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt
She was insulted, punched and spit on
Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
Thứ Tư, 17 tháng 4, 2019
If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:
A. She is a prude and you have no future together.
B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.
C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
(I made this up myself, I’m really proud of it)
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old...
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued.
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00"
I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.
Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is Politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son?
Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."
A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road...
At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right.
After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused again about how he's reached the same sign decides that he's made a mistake somewhere along his path and looped back to where he started. Thinking he's made a mistake, he goes right again.
He travels another five miles down the path until he reaches another sign, reading the same thing. "Reddit go right, cowtown go left."
Determined to reach Reddit, he again goes right, and after another five miles of riding, he reaches a bar with "REDDIT" spelled out in bright lights. Feeling exhausted and angry for traveling all of that way with such little direction from the signs, the man decides to head in and have a beer.
He walks in and sees that every bar stool is taken, but there is no one behind the bar taking orders. At this point, the cowboy is so dehydrated, sunburned and angry that he decides to barge right into the managers office and demand an explanation for this madness.
He sees the manager sitting at his desk and asks him: "Hey Partner! What kind of circus are you running here? Every sign to get here is the exact same, and there's not a single person here to take my order!"
The manager looks up from his desk, smiling and says : "This must be your first time here, so I'll explain. Every post is the same, and our servers never work. Welcome to Reddit, partner."
A magician stops a woman on a street....
“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random. “Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.” She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone. She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her first child.
Fast forward 9 months.
“Push, PUSH” the midwife and doctors urged. “You’re almost there!” “The baby! She’s crowning!” “But... what’s that in her HAND???” “It... it looks like...”
“Is THIS your card?” a familiar voice said.
Oldest man on Earth
A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world.
After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village.
The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard.
Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?"
Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest. So we gathered all the men. We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the girl. We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! "
Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists... Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life?
Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened: We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the goat. We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! "
Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? "
Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine.
Gramps: "........ One day I got lost in the forest..... "
Selfie Deaths Are An Epidemic
Selfie Deaths Are An Epidemic
A recent report found that 259 people died between 2011 and 2017 while stepping in front of the camera in often dangerous destinations. A writer goes deep into the psychology of selfies to figure out what's behind our obsession with capturing extreme risk-taking.
April 17, 2019 at 03:29AM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2UmeQAX
A pregnant woman walks into a bank
A pregnant woman who is expecting triplets walks into a bank, while she is in there a robber walks in and shouts for everyone to get down on the ground, the woman is too slow so the man shoots her 3 times and runs away from the scene.
The woman survives, and the doctor told her that in 12 years, each of her children will have to pass the bullet.
So in 12 years, her 1st son walks up to her and says ‘mum I’ve just peed out a bullet’ so she tells him the story.Her Daughter then walks up and says the same, so again the mother tells the story.Then her 3rd son walks up to her and says ‘mum you’ll never guess what’ which she replies with ‘let me guess you peed out a bullet’ which he replies with ‘no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog’.
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?”
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
drug-sniffing dog
Me: "Sweet dog you got there"
Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."
Me: "Still in training, huh?"
Policeman: "What do you mean?"
Me: "Nevermind"
Thứ Ba, 16 tháng 4, 2019
Horny Husband
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill.
"Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!"
He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed.
"She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!"
His wife was mad, Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!
During a parole hearing.
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?
Prisoner: It's bec...
Officer: Yes?
Prisoner: I think i have...
Officer: Go on.
Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence!
Officer: Sure, Parole denied.
Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...
...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."
Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."
The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten.
The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you - let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “$750?
Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone
A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says
“What’ll it be today?”
The bear says “give me a gin and.........................tonic”
The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?”
The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “
The Best Hike In Every State
The Best Hike In Every State
Alpine scrambles and beach-front strolls; multi-day singletrack adventures and quick urban escapes; soaring trees and rolling sand dunes — every state in the country has something to offer intrepid hikers.
April 16, 2019 at 01:59AM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2Gojtqo
It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths
and the Bowman family were archers
and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail
Thứ Hai, 15 tháng 4, 2019
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man asks, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
Dirty sister
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
Sam was at the bar
As it's now 4am he decided it was time to go home to his wife who he prayed was sleeping else he'd get in shit for being at the pub so late. So Sam went to stand up but fell over! Thinking to himself "my lord I'm drunk" he tried to stand up again but once again his legs gave out, he thought "screw it I'll just crawl to the door, I'm sure the fresh air will help" so he did that, and once he got to the door he breathed in a lung full of fresh air and tried standing up, just to fall over once again! He kept trying, but everytime yielding the same results. So after a few tries he thought "God damn I'm drunk, I'll just crawl home, thank God I only live 2 houses from the pub" so he crawls to his home and tries to open the door quietly, and pulls himself up and tries walking in...THUD...he falls over again "screw it I'll just pull myself up the stairs and crawl in bed, I'm sure Jen is sleeping, I'll be fine" So after struggling and finally closing the front door, he does just that, pulls himself up the railing of the stairs, crawls to his bedroom, pulls himself into bed and passes out. The next day hes woken by his wife, asking if he enjoyed his night out at the pub. He asked her how she knew? "Well I got a call from Tom, the barkeep, this morning. He told me you left your wheelchair at the pub."
A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him
"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.
The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasant disrespecting you? Aren't you the king of the jungle? Do something...", "Just ignore him" says the lion "he's just a stupid monkey that isn't worth our time".
"Yesterday I fucked your wife reaaaal good and she liked it!" shouted the monkey. "That's it" said the lioness "I'll teach him a lesson and then we'll have a serious talk about self respect" and went after the monkey who started swinging from a tree to the next.
The lioness kept running after the monkey, he swings to the left, she goes left, he swings to the right she goes right, and suddenly the monkey missed the branch by a bit and felt on the ground below a hole made of the tree roots. "gotchu" said the lioness as she pounced towards the monkey, who actually was waiting for this to happen, his small size allowed him to get through the hole, while the lioness got stuck. He swung behind her, and fucked her to his heart's content with a dirty smile on his face.
That evening the lioness retuned to her home silent, and when she saw the lion she said "you were right, I shouldn't had let that peasant's taunting get to me"... The lion hugged her understandingly and said "yeaaaah, you too got stuck in the roots didn't you? "
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