Funny Story

FunnyStory about animals and all around the world

Thứ Tư, 31 tháng 7, 2019

I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning.

The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down. I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, please". They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready. So I told them my name was Mocha....

What's the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop a culture...

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where...

Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you’re inside one at 4am, you think “Thank God these are here”...

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex....

He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"...

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass...

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar

They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book...

A state trooper pulls over a farmer...

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said -- "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies". So...

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?" I decided I didn't so I gave him the money...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man

None...

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

Everybody...

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?............ 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?'...

A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist preacher were out fishing together

"We should all confess our sins," the priest suggests. "Give it a shot and see how it feels." The three agree, and the Catholic goes goes first. "I'm an alcoholic. I drink till I black out every night." "I love watching naked women on the internet," the rabbi confesses. "I just can't seem to stop." The Baptist starts cracking up laughing, and the other two ask him what's so funny. "Well my sin is I love to gossip," the Baptist said, "and I can't wait till we get back to shore."...

I proposed to my ex-wife.

But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money....

Thứ Ba, 30 tháng 7, 2019

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches....

I have been telling everyone I know about the benefits of eating dried grapes.

It’s all about raisin awareness....

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy. Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick....

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this. Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven." Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!" Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts."...

A man gets a new job.

On his first day, the boss gives him the basic description of his duties, and he says, "No problem, boss. I know just what to do." And sure enough, he does. The boss is amazed to see that he intuitively knows every process, where everything goes, how everything works, what everyone does. Every day that week, the man comes in and is incredibly productive. The boss is extremely pleased. But on Friday, the phone rings. "Boss", says the man, "I'm sorry to say I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss replies, "Well, it happens. Go ahead and take...

IDK what's so hard about cancer

I'm already on stage 4...

Stalin and Hitler are in hell

Stalin: wanna here a joke Hitler: sure Stalin: Moscow Hitler: I don’t get it Stalin: you’ll never get it motherfucker...

I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked.

I couldn’t tell what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house....

Good-bye Daddy

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The...

I organized a threesome last night.

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had fun....

Why did the teacher never fart in public?

Because she was a private tooter....

A Death In Paradise

A Death In Paradise An American tourist killed a hotel staffer in Anguilla. No one knows why. July 29, 2019 at 08:15PM via Digg https://ift.tt/2Zm1Z...

Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news - you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”...

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.” “That one is a freebie.”...

Cop: So when did you notice your wife was dead?

Man: Well, the sex was still the same but the dishes started to pile up...

Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer.

The lawyer tells him "Mickey I'm sorry, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy" Mickey says "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f**king Goofy"...

Thứ Hai, 29 tháng 7, 2019

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.

Woman: Oh my god! I'm pregnant? Doctor: No, it just looks like you are....

I bought a toilet brush yesterday

But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper!...

A lumberjack went into a magical forest to cut down a tree.

Just as he began to swing his axe at a tree, the tree called out, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack grinned, "And you will dialogue!"...

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records.

Then the librarian told me i had to take it out before she called security....

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks tell them it's 12345678...

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk....

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home...

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket. "Tennis ball" the man said. "Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"...

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot. "Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!" "It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."...

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?...

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw mine on the ground, too...

How A Podcast And Its Army Of Amateur Sleuths Helped Free A Man From Prison

How A Podcast And Its Army Of Amateur Sleuths Helped Free A Man From Prison How does a man wrongly convicted of murder get released twenty years later? It helps to have a wife who loves you, a podcaster who believes in you and an army of amateur sleuths who won't stop digging for the truth. July 29, 2019 at 05:00AM via Digg https://ift.tt/2K1gB...

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt"...

69

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”...

I overdosed on viagra once

Hardest day of my life....

A Hypnotist was hired at a retirement home.

He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them 3 days to clean up the retirement home. He wasn’t invited back....

Chủ Nhật, 28 tháng 7, 2019

Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections....

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”...

Last night, my Girlfriend told me to “Turn the light off and stick it in my ass”

Maybe I should’ve waited a few minutes for it to cool down?...

Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity.

There were just too many elephants in the room....

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know what this means, right?" The rabbit trembled and said:"I am so-o-o-rrrrry, sire, I-I-I couldn't find any me-e-a..." BAM! The rabbit fell to the ground, with tears in his eyes. Then he stood up and started laughing. The lion looked at him in confusion...

I asked my new friend to meet me at the gym, but they never showed up.

I guess the two of us aren't going to work out....

A man stands in front of a food truck reading the menu

"Cheese burgers $5 Fries $3 Hand jobs $10" He walks over the the window and there is a beautiful blonde woman working behind the counter. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheese burgers"...

Why does Waldo wear stripes on his shirt?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted....

I was walking passed a farm and a sign said ‘Duck, eggs’.

I thought, that’s an unnecessary comma. And then it hit me. Edit: Past*...

Do you know where I can rent a church singing group?

Sir,do you mean a choir? Fine,yes,do you know how much it is to aquire a church singing group?...

A boy has a question about God

Sorry if this has been posted before. I just heard it and I’ve never seen it on here before. There was a boy that had a question about God. He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer. The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words. The question is so challenging that he could not give an answer. Unwilling to let the boy go unsatisfied without an answer, the priest takes the boy to a local bishop that knows even more about religion than the priest The boy approaches the bishop and asks him the same question....

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people

But none of them work...

Thứ Bảy, 27 tháng 7, 2019

What do you call an alligator that's really good with directions?

A navigator Fucking terrifying...

What happened to the lost cattle?

Nobody's herd....

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!" The other whale says "What do you wanna do?" The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as hard as we can! Our air will flip the boat and all the men will fall in the water and drown!" Second whale says "Okay, lets do it". So they get their lungs full, they dive down beneath the boats hidden from the whalers. They blow as hard as they can and flip the boat...

What have an orgasm and a pulse in common?

It doesn’t matter if she has one...

What do you call currency in space?

Starbucks....

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water. No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid....

President Trump is sleeping one night

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goes back to sleep. He is woken up a short time later by the ghost of Franklin Roosevelt sitting at the foot of his bed. "Frankie, my boy, what can I do to be a better president?' FDR thinks a moment and says, 'You have to put the people first.' Once again...

The Secret History of Why Soda Companies Switched From Sugar to High-Fructose Corn Syrup

The Secret History of Why Soda Companies Switched From Sugar to High-Fructose Corn Syrup Nixon, Reagan and a Midwestern Machiavelli all figure. July 26, 2019 at 10:32PM via Digg https://ift.tt/2SF16...

Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf

I haven’t heard from him since....

What's the difference between my wife and my student loans?

My student loans fuck me with interest....

The 2020 election results are in!

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians....

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999...

A woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about it. "Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. You see, I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday." "Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?" "Well, he's a great listener, for one. He's a super sweet guy, and to top it off, he's got a 10 inch cock." She blushes. "Sounds like a catch to me! Where can I find him?" "He's just a block over, but he's...

Thứ Sáu, 26 tháng 7, 2019

I was offered a job as a noise pollution officer...

But I had to turn it down....

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet...

Why is 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71....

Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now....

I was molested by a mime.

He did unspeakable acts on me....

People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years.

I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy, I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!...

I like my coffee how I like the slaves:

Free...

I have a fear of overly designed buildings.

A complex complex complex...

My wife left me to become an astronaut...

she needed Space...

I just got robbed by 6 dwarfs..

Not Happy...

Wife was cleaning 13 year old son's room

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."...

Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation...

A bilingual joke! (English/Spanish)

A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can't find what he's looking for and he doesn't know the English word for it. So he grabs a salesperson and says, "Tienes calcetines?" "I'm sorry, I don't know what that is," the salesperson says. The guy tries again. "Medias?" He asks, miming pulling up socks. The salesperson brings him to the trouser section. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero medias, calcetines," he says. And so it goes for nearly an hour. Finally, almost by accident, the salesperson leads...

How Citroën Sabotaged Wartime Nazi Truck Production In A Simple And Brilliant Way

How Citroën Sabotaged Wartime Nazi Truck Production In A Simple And Brilliant Way When France was occupied by the Germans in 1940, major French factories like Citroën were forced to produce equipment for the Nazis. July 25, 2019 at 11:51PM via Digg https://ift.tt/2MeMZ...

Thứ Năm, 25 tháng 7, 2019

The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. ​ Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try. ​ One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. ​ The...

What did the weightlifter say when he ran out of protein supplement?

No whey...

I slept like a baby last night

I woke up crying several times and shit myself....

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When god blesses you, you must bless others....

What did Luke say to Han and Leia when they split up?

May divorce be with you....

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat....

The Midget With a Lisp

A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm. 'What sort of horse?' said the owner. 'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. Nithe teeth.... Can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again...

If I offer to wash your back in the shower,

All you have to do is answer, “yes”, or “no.” None of this “Who are you and how did you get in here” nonsense....

Why do people hate reposts on this site?

Cause they’ve already reddit!...

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month. As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77. The man thinks "hmmmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something." So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called...

"My bad" I said, as I patted on my friends back.

He looked at me with a shocked and terrified expression. Apparently 'my bad' and 'I'm sorry' don't mean the same thing at funerals....

A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.”...

I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling.

When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”...

Thứ Tư, 24 tháng 7, 2019

Two Italian men

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said...

I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on....

I promised my wife, I’d love her 24/7

Today is the day!...

You know you can tell the difference between a boy and a girl ant by putting it in water?

If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant...

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It...

As my own boss, I wasn’t sure if I could fire myself, so I decided to test it.

I really let myself go....

I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first.

Sadly he beat me to death....

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the biscuits, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."...

When little Timmy went to school

And mastered one to nine, He thought the other kids were cool, And every class divine. He painted shapes in red and blue, And drew in curves and bends. By the time the day was through, He had made a hundred friends! "I'm pals with Pete, and Mike, and Max!" He told his dad with pride. But Timmy's parents were anti-vaxxers, And Timmy fucking died....

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes. Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support families in need of assistance. The Social Worker grabs the nearest bag and plummets out of the aircraft. Lawyer: I deserve to live because I advocate for my clients through my sharp wit and massive knowledge. The lawyer grabs the second bag and plummets out of...

My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre....

What's the best way to move 300 sheets of dry wall.

Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him "What's the best way to move all this dry wall?" He said "hire someone else to do it for way less then what it's worth." I said "well why don't we do that" He said "I already did... Get back to work!" It's way less funny when I type it out TBH but I'ma post it anyways but picture u being there makes it funnier....

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and told him that I want to sue the airline.

He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”...

Our Global Food System Discards 46 Million Tons Of Fish Each Year. Why?

Our Global Food System Discards 46 Million Tons Of Fish Each Year. Why? From the moment a fisher lands a fish to the moment that fish lands on your plate, 27 percent of it will disappear. Just imagine the stink. July 23, 2019 at 08:20PM via Digg https://ift.tt/30Pa4...

Cowboys, Lesbians & Chickens

An old cowboy walks into town one evening looking for some company. He wanders into this whorehouse with rooms to rent and talks to the barmaid. "I sure could use the company of one of your fine women, but I'm a little light on coin. What can you do for me?" asks the cowboy. The barmaid says, "Well, it looks like you don't have quite enough for one of our gals. Here's what I can do though. There's a room upstairs that has a chicken in it. Now if you like, you can go to that room and if you can catch that chicken then I suppose... you can fuck...

Why is girlfriend one word and best friend two words?

Because the best friend gives you space when you need it...

Did you hear about the girl who sawed herself in half for the talent show?

She placed 1st and 2nd....

I'm reading a horror story in Braille

Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it...

Teacher: "Hello class! What did you do on your weekend?"

Student: "My father fell into a pit" Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?" Student: "I think so, he stopped calling for help today."...

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to his death. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”...

I have developed a phobia of sausages

I fear the wurst...

A naked lady walks into a bar

A fully naked lady walks into a bar and sits down. She calls up the bartender and asks for a whisky. The bartender looks at her, but does nothing. She asks again but gets the same response. She asks him "whats the matter? you never seen a naked lady before?" and the bartender responds "i'm just wondering how you're going to pay for your drink"...

Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 7, 2019

Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat. ​ The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch." ​ The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older brother and asked what he wanted to eat. ​ He replied, "I'm not sure, but I definitely don't want no fucking Frosted Flakes."...

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions....

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"

Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name. Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away. Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground. "What...

Every time I post a joke to this sub it gets downvoted

uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝuo sᴉɥʇ ǝʇᴉɹʍ ll,I oS...

What do you call a bug that pays the bills?

A Paying Mantis *My 10 year old daughter ran down the hallway to tell me this. She said she made it up....

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet....

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect. When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter. The man waited a few days and went back to the post office since he didn't receive a letter back. He saw Kurt and asked him if he delivered the letter. Kurt said he tried to, but no one answered or took the letter, so he brought it back the next day. The man was upset that...

The 100 Best Movies of the Decade

The 100 Best Movies of the Decade Cinema is in a constant state of flux, but it’s never mutated faster or more restlessly than it has over the last 10 years. July 23, 2019 at 01:32AM via Digg https://ift.tt/2Y8cx...

I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck....

So, back when my wife and I just started dating, I ran into her asshole ex in the bar.

He said "Hey there Gil, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?" I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."...

A man on his deathbed is telling his friend his final wishes

Man: I have two final wishes Friend: what are they? Man: firstly I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land Friend: and? Man: secondly, I don't want to be cremated....

Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back. Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob. ‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’. ‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t going to help’....

I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a general in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"...

Thứ Hai, 22 tháng 7, 2019

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. "I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies. "Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2. The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon!" says mathematician #1, "Do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along." "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem," mathematician #3 chimes in, "at the end of the joke you...

Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing...

He stops for a chat, and mentions that he's never fished before. 'It's a doddle,' says the angler. 'Take a rod and give it a go.' 'Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand,' says the priest. Father Conor sits down and casts his line. After a few minutes he gets a bite and reels in a fat ten-pounder. He's pleased as punch as his parishioner slaps him on the back and says, 'That's a great big fucker, Father!' 'Language!' replies Father Conor. 'I am a priest.' 'No, Father, this fish is called a fucker,'...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.” So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket,...

I had a fear of speed bumps

I slowly got over it...

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.   The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Sold."   In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet...

two old men are arguing about history and the spendors of athens and rome.

the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!" The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!" The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!" The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!" The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!" The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and...

Wiki joke

Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia” Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”...

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers. Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger,...

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money. A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman...

Sinks can’t open doors

Let that sink in...

Why is the English alphabet the closest thing we have to the perfect fascist state?

Where else can you find a population that are 96% Not Z’s (I worked so hard on that one. Be gentle. )...

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?” He calmly told them, “I bought it today.” “With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!” “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.” The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked. “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name— they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” “Oh my goodness!”...

If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said

Some black motherfucker would probably rob me...

I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.

The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though....

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you?" asked Trump "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump. The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."...

Watch Former Basketball Star, Shaq, Enter The Moshpit At An EDM Festival

Watch Former Basketball Star, Shaq, Enter The Moshpit At An EDM Festival The former Basketball superstar, and current TV analyst, is well known for his diverse interests off the court. Being an avid electronic music fan, and DJ is one of them. July 22, 2019 at 06:54AM via Digg https://ift.tt/2Maas...

Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout

Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!...

A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way

To which Yoda responded, “off course, we are.”...

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing....

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all just mapleleaf...

Chủ Nhật, 21 tháng 7, 2019

If I got a dime every time I didn't understand whats going on,

I'd be like "why are you giving me these dimes?"...

Ever since it started to snow, all my wife does is stare through the window

I really should let her in at some point...

Cigarette after sex helped me...

...to quit smoking...

Apparently, it's considered unprofessional to have sex with one of your patients

Anyway, I lost my job as a veterinarian today...

A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

    The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man....

A principal notices a Post-It on a locker.

"Jocks of JFK High! This small change in diet can boost your physique FOREVER! Head to the gym to find out how!" Puzzled, he pulls it off and continues down the hall. Just a few lockers down, another catches his eye. "Hey goth girls! Tired of dark eyeliner that just runs all day? One simple trick will fix it! Find out how in the gym!" OK, I'll bite, the principal thinks to himself. He walks to the gymnasium, pushes open the door...and immediately gets stuck. He looks down and sees the floor covered with flypaper glue. Outraged, he removes his...

Today I angered two people by calling them "hipsters"

Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins"...

9 Months really isn't that long

It just feels like a maternity...

I've decided to kill off the protagonist to the new book I'm writing.

That should spice things up in my autobiography....

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded. We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper. And at this, she stumbled....

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded,...

How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself...

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job,

but when I got home, all the signs were there....

I picked up a hitchhiker yesterday

He said: "Thanks! How do you know I'm not a serial killer?" I said: "The odds that there's another serial killer in the car are astronomically low"...

Magician: and now for my final trick! I will disappear!

Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says: you're the worst fruit ever!...

A young Arab boy asks his dad....

A young Arab boy asks his dad "what are you wearing on your head?" The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects my entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These...

Motorist Attempts Driving Down A Stairway In Vancouver And Midway Through Realizes It Was A Very Bad Idea

Motorist Attempts Driving Down A Stairway In Vancouver And Midway Through Realizes It Was A Very Bad Idea What could go wrong? July 21, 2019 at 04:44AM via Digg https://ift.tt/2JQss...

A man died one day and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move." "Oh," said the man as he pointed at one of them, "Whose clock is that?" St. Peter replied, "That's George Washington's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie." "That's incredible, " said the man. St. Peter pointed to another clock, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire...

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

"Have you any two watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That’ll do, I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn’t have any." "Any what?" "Yes please!"...

A guy takes this girl to prom...

So a guys wants to ask a girl to prom, and so he goes to a craft store to get all the promeposal supplies he needs. He waits a super long line and checks out at the desk. He gets home and makes an adorable poster for the girl. He then goes to get tickets for them and waits in another very very long line for tickets, he finally gets to the front of the line buys the tickets and goes to pick up his tux at the shop. He waits in another line to get his tux and goes home to get ready. He picks up the girl and they take the limo to prom and wait on...

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer

The Bartender says “that’ll be a dollar” The guy thinks “man, that’s cheap” but the beer turned out to be delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” the bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle, opening it, aerating the wine, and pouring it into a nice glass before saying “That’ll be 50 cents.” The guy can’t believe it, so he thinks “fuck it” and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch.” The bartender hands it to him and says “here, on the house.” Curiosity...

Why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day....

Thứ Bảy, 20 tháng 7, 2019

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper.

She said that newspapers are old school and that no one reads them anymore, and proceeded to hand me her iPad. That fly didn't stand a chance....

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?

You tell him Barack Obama installed it....

I went for a vasectomy the other day because I don't want to have any children

I don't think it worked though, because when I got home they were still there....

A relationship with no trust is like having a phone with no service

You just play games....

The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve time travellers in here"

A time traveller walks into a bar....

50% of Christians say they will go to hell and back for Donald Trump

They're half right...

A man sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chilli.

The waitress says, "Sorry but the guy next to you ordered the last bowl." He looks over to the guy sitting next to him and sees that he has finished his meal, but the bowl of chilli is still full. He asks the guy, "Are you going to eat that?" To which the guy replies, "No, help yourself." So he slides the bowl over and starts eating. About halfway through he hits something. When he looks down he sees a dead mouse in the bowl and immediately pukes all the chilli back into the bowl. The other guy leans over and says, "Yeah. That's about as far as...

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time! https://discord.gg/jokes...

Son: Dad am I adopted?

Dad: Of course not son. You think I’d choose you?...

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you?" asked Trump "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love...

I was applying for Australian citizenship

The interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?” I said, “No. Is that still required?”...

Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper...

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”. The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in pain even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?” “Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.” “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is bro...

Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term...

The Six Lessons of Life

Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom,...

A kid walks into a whore house holding a dead and squished frog.

He walks up to the front desk and sets his dead frog up on the counter top. The lady at the desk says, we don't allow kids here. The kid puts a wad of cash on the counter and the woman replies, "ok what do you want"? ​ The kid says, "I want to have sex with the nastiest girl here that has the most STD's I can get". "We don't have ladies like that here sorry buddy," says the woman. The kid then puts $100 bill on the table. ​ After a little discussion though, the woman tell him, "Ok kid, all the way down the hall last door on the left". The kid...

Rand Paul 

Rand Paul  "If you were a professional outlet you could call and get an interview like they did." July 20, 2019 at 12:42AM via Digg https://ift.tt/2Sopd...

Daughter’s vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he...

How much room is needed for a fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible....

A girl on Tinder asked me why my cigarette isn’t lit in my picture...

I told her i’m just looking for matches...

An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me." The Irishman replies, "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Irishman then calls out to the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asks him for a bun and then eats it. He then asks for two more and eats those...

Today I argued with my pregnant wife and she said "I have two brains and you have one"

Too bad one's not fully developed ​ and the other is our child's....

Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 7, 2019

Like my Grandad always said "As one door closes, another one opens"

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker....

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators...

Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?

Friend: I don't know how do you. Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way. Friend: Wait, there's no f in way. Me: Exactly...

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." This...

What do we want? Low flying airplanes! When do we want them?

Neeeeeeooooowwwww!...

A local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years

I never knew he was a barber...

What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?

One goes ba dum tss and the other is da bum kiss....

Kid asks mom "Mom, what is dark humor?"

Mom: "See that man over there with no arms? Ask him to clap" Kid: "But mom I'm blind" Mom: "Exactly"...

The Apple That Could Change An Industry

The Apple That Could Change An Industry After two decades of research and development, WA 38 lands this fall. It could disrupt an entire industry. July 18, 2019 at 10:07PM via Digg https://ift.tt/2YUSA...

How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?

Just make it the last 10 digits of pi. (Credit to my cousin)...

When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up to it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand.. They all had tennis rackets in theirs....

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name....

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass....

A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?" "Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever." "Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particular spot? It's not going to be comfort---" The man cuts him off and explains again that he is sure and asks how much money is needed. The two agree on a price and the tattoo artist begins to prep. He asks the man again before starting if he is sure. "Yes," he answers,...

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sandwich dear?” Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a dissapointed look on his face. His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit. So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only...

Thứ Năm, 18 tháng 7, 2019

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence....

My girlfriend said, "You act too much like a detective . I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."...

A one-eyed guy named Wazowski found a magic lamp

Genie: you have one wish Wazowski: I want an extra eye Genie: done Wazowskii: but nothing happened...

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher. "Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!" The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the engine. 50% is for perfect reassembly of the engine. I gave you another 50% on top because you did it all through the exhaust pipe!"...

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea Genie: poof om: it didn't work...

We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful.

He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train....

Having too much sex can cause memory loss!

I read it on page 34, line 15 in a medical journal on may 23, 2009 at 11:58 AM ....

A man walks into a bar

And loses the limbo contest as a result....

Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?

Me: Yes. I’m not kidding you....

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and finally reaches a dead end with a pharmacy at the end. It blasts through the doors, skids down the aisle and slams to a stop at the pharmacy counter. The lid pops open and the corpse sits straight up. The pharmacist asks, "Can I help you with something?"...

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus....

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1 or 2? 1? or 2?...

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man....

When Rumpelstiltskin was a young man, he lived in rural Kent.

In this part of Kent all the farmers grew hops for making beer. The fields were full of hops, and the countryside was dotted with oasts, little round buildings for drying them out. Now, as you know, Rumpelstiltskin would go on to be famous for his magical ability to turn straw into solid gold, but he first learnt his skill using the local hops. Every night he went out with his little scythe, reaped a few hops from the corner of a field, and turned them into gold back at home. He knew it was dishonest, but he took such tiny quantities that the...

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!"...

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby...

Thứ Tư, 17 tháng 7, 2019

What's the difference between Jesus and a portrait of Jesus ?

The portrait only requires one nail....

My wife just tried to cut off my penis.

Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener....

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it...

What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”...

I never understood school shooting jokes.

I guess they are just aimed at a younger audience. Found on r/cursedcomments...

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china....

What would happen if Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US?

He’d be rolling in his grave....

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s...

Doctor: We're going to have to remove your colon

Me Why?...

The Sherp Makes Every Other Off-Roader Look Weak

The Sherp Makes Every Other Off-Roader Look Weak I, like many other Americans, learned about the Sherp on YouTube. And there is almost nothing on wheels more fun. July 16, 2019 at 09:37PM via Digg https://ift.tt/2lJEa...

Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college!

Seriously, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you...

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and...

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second...

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The...