FunnyStory about animals and all around the world
Funny Video about animals and all around the world! :)
Funny picture about animals and all around the world :)
Play game and comfortable :)
Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.
The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down. I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, please". They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready. So I told them my name was Mocha.
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.
"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
Everyone makes fun of them but when you’re inside one at 4am, you think “Thank God these are here”
He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said -- "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies".
So the farmer says -- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though.”
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...
"We should all confess our sins," the priest suggests. "Give it a shot and see how it feels."
The three agree, and the Catholic goes goes first. "I'm an alcoholic. I drink till I black out every night."
"I love watching naked women on the internet," the rabbi confesses. "I just can't seem to stop."
The Baptist starts cracking up laughing, and the other two ask him what's so funny.
"Well my sin is I love to gossip," the Baptist said, "and I can't wait till we get back to shore."
People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy.
Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.
He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."
Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"
Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts."
On his first day, the boss gives him the basic description of his duties, and he says, "No problem, boss. I know just what to do."
And sure enough, he does. The boss is amazed to see that he intuitively knows every process, where everything goes, how everything works, what everyone does.
Every day that week, the man comes in and is incredibly productive. The boss is extremely pleased.
But on Friday, the phone rings. "Boss", says the man, "I'm sorry to say I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss replies, "Well, it happens. Go ahead and take the day and we'll charge it against your future sick leave."
The next week is more of the same, the man works like a maniac every day. The boss gives him more and more responsibilities, which he handles with no issues at all. That week the P and L shows an uptick in profits, which the boss attributes to the man's incredible energy and productivity.
But on Friday, the phone rings. "Boss", says the man, "I'm sorry to say I can't come in today. I'm sick."
Now the boss is a bit taken aback. But remembering what an amazing employee the man is, he says, "OK, go ahead and take the day, and we'll charge it against your future sick leave."
The third week is the same. The man has become the boss's number one employee and right-hand man. No problem is too difficult, the boss is starting to think that maybe he can retire and let the man run the business.
But on Friday, the phone rings. "Boss", says the man, "I'm sorry to say I can't come in today. I'm sick."
"Now just a second.", says the boss. "You are the most amazing employee I've ever had. But I can't let you keep calling in sick every Friday. Is there a problem? What's going on?"
"Well", says the man, "you see, my sister is going through a really nasty divorce. On Fridays I go to visit her, and she cries and I console her, and one thing leads to another, and we end up fucking all day."
The boss is shocked. "What? With your sister? That's... that's disgusting!"
"I know", says the man sadly. "I told you, I'm sick."
Stalin: wanna here a joke
Hitler: sure
Stalin: Moscow
Hitler: I don’t get it
Stalin: you’ll never get it motherfucker
I couldn’t tell what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house.
A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!"
The lawyer tells him "Mickey I'm sorry, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy"
Mickey says "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f**king Goofy"
Just as he began to swing his axe at a tree, the tree called out, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack grinned, "And you will dialogue!"
As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.
"Tennis ball" the man said.
"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"
When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
He was trying to hypnotize 150 old folks. He was swinging his pocket watch back and forth. The watch had been passed down from generations. As he was swinging the watch, the chain snapped, sending the watch plummeting to the ground, breaking into thousands of pieces. “Shit!” He yelled. It took them 3 days to clean up the retirement home. He wasn’t invited back.
If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.
The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know what this means, right?" The rabbit trembled and said:"I am so-o-o-rrrrry, sire, I-I-I couldn't find any me-e-a..." BAM! The rabbit fell to the ground, with tears in his eyes. Then he stood up and started laughing. The lion looked at him in confusion and asked:"Are you OK? Why are you laughing? " The rabbit: " Oh, it is nothing, mylord, I just remembered that the hedgehog is down the line, bringing you an apple. "
"Cheese burgers $5
Fries $3
Hand jobs $10"
He walks over the the window and there is a beautiful blonde woman working behind the counter.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars.
"Yes I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want two cheese burgers"
Sir,do you mean a choir?
Fine,yes,do you know how much it is to aquire a church singing group?
Sorry if this has been posted before. I just heard it and I’ve never seen it on here before.
There was a boy that had a question about God. He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer. The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words. The question is so challenging that he could not give an answer. Unwilling to let the boy go unsatisfied without an answer, the priest takes the boy to a local bishop that knows even more about religion than the priest
The boy approaches the bishop and asks him the same question. Again, the bishop has no answer that will satisfy any of the parties. Seeing that the boy is getting discouraged that no one can answer the question the bishop sends the boy directly to the Vatican to talk to the pope.
This pope was very popular among the people. And he knew everything. He was so smart they called him Pope The Wise. The boy walks up to the pope and asks him the question. The pope begins to answer but then gets choked up and realized that not even he has the answer for the question.
As all hope was just about to be lost, an old nun walks into the room. The nun asks the boy to ask her this famous question and the boy does. The nun formulates the most perfect answer to the boys question. Almost everyone rejoices and all is good.
Except the pope looks a little upset. He exclaims “This is impossible! Explain to me how a simple nun could be smarter than me! Pope The Wise!”
But she was Nun The Wiser
The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"
The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"
The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as hard as we can! Our air will flip the boat and all the men will fall in the water and drown!"
Second whale says "Okay, lets do it".
So they get their lungs full, they dive down beneath the boats hidden from the whalers. They blow as hard as they can and flip the boat with literal ease.
The whales swim back and watch as the men struggle to survive.
The first whale looks to the second and says "Man, they really aren't drowning like I wanted them to, we've got to do something!"
Second whale says, "Okay, what would you like to do?"
First whale says, "Lets eat them!"
Second whale stops him and says "Whoa, whoa, whoa, I agreed to the blow job, but i'm not swallowing the seamen."
Love this joke. Had to repost
President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goes back to sleep. He is woken up a short time later by the ghost of Franklin Roosevelt sitting at the foot of his bed. "Frankie, my boy, what can I do to be a better president?' FDR thinks a moment and says, 'You have to put the people first.' Once again Trump doesn't like this answer, yells for security, and FDR disappears. Trump is once again awakened by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln at the foot of his bed. "Abe, my boy, how can I be a better president?' Abe thinks for a moment and responds, 'Go to the theater more.'
As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about it.
"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. You see, I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."
"Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?"
"Well, he's a great listener, for one. He's a super sweet guy, and to top it off, he's got a 10 inch cock."
She blushes. "Sounds like a catch to me! Where can I find him?"
"He's just a block over, but he's also a little kooky. See, he only has sex with women named after flowers, so if I meet someone like that, I send them his way. Then, he sends me the flower as a thank you. Yesterday was Rose, and a week ago, I recommended a woman named Violet to him," he said, indicating a slightly wilted violet in a vase behind him.
The woman thanks him for the info and leaves the shop, a little bitter about her own name. But she visits the well-endowed florist anyway. She steps up to the counter and pointedly says, "I heard you're particularly...skilled...in certain areas?"
He smirks. "What is your name?"
She pouts a little and says "Kris." His smile falters, and he sighs and shakes his head.
Kris's heart drops. "Well...then I'd like some flowers for my mother."
Suddenly, he brightens up again. "I think we can make this work." He takes her hand and locks the shop door.
Three hours of mind-altering sex later, she stumbles to the shop door and bids him goodbye with a kiss. "And please," he says, "tell your mother she is welcome to as many flowers from my shop as she would like." Taken aback, she promises to convey the message, and calls her mother that night to tell her everything.
The next day, Kris feels like a million bucks and swings by the original florist's shop.
"I just wanted to thank you for telling me about that gentleman! He was AMAZING!"
He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose I should thank you too. I just got another beautiful flower for recommending you to him."
"Really? What flower could he have possibly sent that was named after me?"
The florist sighs. "Chrysanthemum."
I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy,
I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"
Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can't find what he's looking for and he doesn't know the English word for it.
So he grabs a salesperson and says, "Tienes calcetines?"
"I'm sorry, I don't know what that is," the salesperson says.
The guy tries again. "Medias?" He asks, miming pulling up socks. The salesperson brings him to the trouser section.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero medias, calcetines," he says.
And so it goes for nearly an hour. Finally, almost by accident, the salesperson leads him to the sock section.
The Spanish guy, excited, points and shouts, "Eso sí que es!"
The salesperson's jaw drops and he says, "Well, why didn't you TELL me you knew how to spell it?"
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan
the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
The moral of the story : Pay your lawyers bills properly!
I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance. When god blesses you, you must bless others.
A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm. 'What sort of horse?' said the owner. 'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. Nithe teeth.... Can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. 'Nithe eerth.' He says, 'Now...can I see her twot?' The owner, not sure if he heard correctly, replies 'Her what?' 'Twot, can I see her twot,' the dwarf says. The owner losing his patience picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says: 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?'
All you have to do is answer, “yes”, or “no.”
None of this “Who are you and how did you get in here” nonsense.
He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.
The man thinks "hmmmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something."
So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
The horse came in seventh.
He looked at me with a shocked and terrified expression.
Apparently 'my bad' and 'I'm sorry' don't mean the same thing at funerals.
Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.”
When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm
just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. "Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk. "Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.
He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the biscuits, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."
And mastered one to nine,
He thought the other kids were cool,
And every class divine.
He painted shapes in red and blue,
And drew in curves and bends.
By the time the day was through,
He had made a hundred friends!
"I'm pals with Pete, and Mike, and Max!"
He told his dad with pride.
But Timmy's parents were anti-vaxxers,
And Timmy fucking died.
The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.
Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support families in need of assistance.
The Social Worker grabs the nearest bag and plummets out of the aircraft.
Lawyer: I deserve to live because I advocate for my clients through my sharp wit and massive knowledge.
The lawyer grabs the second bag and plummets out of the aircraft.
Doctor: I deserve to live because i help diagnose ill people with my specialized training.
The doctor grabs the third bag and plummets out of the aircraft.
This leaves only the schoolboy and the old man in the plane with it descending toward the ground.
The Old Man: Go ahead boy. Take the last parachute. You have many years ahead of you while I am just an Old Man who is soon to die anyway.
Schoolboy: Thats ok Old Man we can both take a parachute. Look there are still two left
The Old Man’s eyes widen with surprise.
The Old Man: Wha...but how is this possible
Schoolboy: The lawyer with the sharp wit and massive knowledge took my school backpack.
Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him
"What's the best way to move all this dry wall?"
He said "hire someone else to do it for way less then what it's worth."
I said "well why don't we do that"
He said "I already did... Get back to work!"
It's way less funny when I type it out TBH but I'ma post it anyways but picture u being there makes it funnier.
An old cowboy walks into town one evening looking for some company. He wanders into this whorehouse with rooms to rent and talks to the barmaid.
"I sure could use the company of one of your fine women, but I'm a little light on coin. What can you do for me?" asks the cowboy.
The barmaid says, "Well, it looks like you don't have quite enough for one of our gals. Here's what I can do though. There's a room upstairs that has a chicken in it. Now if you like, you can go to that room and if you can catch that chicken then I suppose... you can fuck it. I'll even throw in a bottle of whiskey for your troubles."
So the cowboy, not having much of a choice in the matter, reluctantly gets the keys to the room with the chicken, grabs his bottle of whiskey and heads up the stairs.
The cowboys walks into his room, sees this chicken clucking around and decides to take a pull of whiskey.
A half of a bottle later, the cowboy starts chasing this chicken around the room. He finally catches the chicken and starts fucking it. He's holding this chicken in one hand and fucking it while holding his bottle of whiskey in the other. Feathers are flying all over the place and the chicken is clucking and flapping around and then SNAP!.
The chicken goes limp. The cowboy had fucked this chicken so hard that he snapped it's neck.
He takes another pull of the bottle, slips his clothes back on. Puts on his hat and slips out the door, hoping that no one saw his face on the way out.
About 3 months later, this cowboy returns to town looking for a lady for the night.
He walks into the whorehouse and talks to the barmaid.
This time the cowboy has a little bit more money but not quite enough for one of the fine ladies working at this particular establishment.
So the barmaid says, "I'll tell you what, there is a room up there when you can see two lesbians having sex. That's the best I can do for you tonight."
"Alright!" says the cowboy as he pays the barmaid and heads upstairs.
When he opens the door the room is packed with men looking through a two way mirror. He pushes his way to the front of the crowd and says to the man standing next to him, "I've never seen anything like this!"
The man says, "You should have been here a few months ago, we watch a guy fuck a chicken to death!"
EDIT: Jesus fuck! For a sub called r/Jokes, you would think people would have a sense of humor. Sorry I didn't tell your beloved joke the way you like. I was simply trying to tell a joke my uncle told me quite some time ago. It flows much better in person. Will delete and should apparently KMS.
TIL: some folks in r/jokes needs to get a grip!
Student: "My father fell into a pit"
Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?"
Student: "I think so, he stopped calling for help today."
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to his death.
The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
A fully naked lady walks into a bar and sits down.
She calls up the bartender and asks for a whisky. The bartender looks at her, but does nothing. She asks again but gets the same response.
She asks him "whats the matter? you never seen a naked lady before?"
and the bartender responds "i'm just wondering how you're going to pay for your drink"
The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.
The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."
The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older brother and asked what he wanted to eat.
He replied, "I'm not sure, but I definitely don't want no fucking Frosted Flakes."
When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.
She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.
Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.
She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.
Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized.
In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.
Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground.
"What happened?!" she asked, running to him.
He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."
A Paying Mantis
*My 10 year old daughter ran down the hallway to tell me this. She said she made it up.
The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.
When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.
The man waited a few days and went back to the post office since he didn't receive a letter back. He saw Kurt and asked him if he delivered the letter. Kurt said he tried to, but no one answered or took the letter, so he brought it back the next day.
The man was upset that his daughter ignored him. He left a copy of the same letter every single day at the post office, in the hopes that she would answer one of them someday.
Kurt noticed the man sending letter after letter, day by day, for months. His curiosity got the better of him after some time, and he decided to read one of the letters before delivering it. He was astounded at how useful the man's advice was and decided this was worth sharing with everyone, so he called up a local newspaper company.
The newspaper company sent a reporter to come speak with Kurt, who told them, "A man sent the same letter every day for months to his daughter, who never answered the letters. Read the letter! It has some very good information that could help the whole world out."
The reporter, instead of being interested in what the letter said, was interested in the man's dedication of sending the same letter every day to someone who never responded. The reporter wrote an article and sent it to Kurt to look at before publishing.
When Kurt looked at it, he said, "It's outrageous! The reposting gets more attention than the original content!"
He said "Hey there Gil, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?"
I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."
Man: I have two final wishes
Friend: what are they?
Man: firstly I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land
Friend: and?
Man: secondly, I don't want to be cremated.
Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back. Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.
‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.
‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t going to help’.
A woman asked a general in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
The first mathematician orders a beer.
The second orders half a beer.
"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.
"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.
The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon!" says mathematician #1, "Do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along."
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem," mathematician #3 chimes in, "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work," interjects the bartender.
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" the bartender replies, "You learn limits in, like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
Mathematician #1 screeches, "HE'S ON TO US!"
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS!" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA!!!"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait," he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, progressives will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment.
"My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they suddenly vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really," the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
He stops for a chat, and mentions that he's never fished before. 'It's a doddle,' says the angler. 'Take a rod and give it a go.'
'Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand,' says the priest.
Father Conor sits down and casts his line. After a few minutes he gets a bite and reels in a fat ten-pounder. He's pleased as punch as his parishioner slaps him on the back and says, 'That's a great big fucker, Father!'
'Language!' replies Father Conor. 'I am a priest.'
'No, Father, this fish is called a fucker,' explains the angler, thinking on his feet.
Laughing at the misunderstanding, the proud priest takes his catch home and finds the bishop waiting in his front room.
'That's a splendid looking fish, Father,' exclaims the bishop.
'Aye,' replies the priest, 'it's a great fucker.'
'Please, Father! Such language,' says the bishop.
'No, no, Your Grace,' replies the priest, 'fucker is the name of the fish.'
It being Friday, the reassured bishop suggests they repair to his residence for a fine fish supper. Once there the bishop goes to the kitchen to clean and gut the fish. They are then joined by the mother superior of the local convent. Being no great cook himself, the bishop says, 'Reverend Mother, would you mind poaching this fucker for us?'
'Bishop, you cannot say that in the house of God,' gasps the horrified nun.
'You misunderstand, Reverend Mother,' explains the bishop, 'this fish is called a fucker.'
Calm again, the Mother Superior sets to cooking the fish. Shortly they are joined by the Pope, who is making a surprise visit (as he does). Delighted, the bishop invited him to supper.
They sit down at the table and the Pope says grace. Then the mother superior brings in the fish on the finest silver platter. Eagerly the three of them await the opinion of God's Mouthpiece on Earth.
'That is a fine fish,' remarks the impressed pontiff.
'That it is, Your Holiness. I caught the fucker,' says the beaming priest.
'I cleaned the fucker,' adds the bishop.
'And I cooked the fucker,' chips in the mother superior.
The Pope sirs back and stares at them for a moment. Then he plants his feet on the table, lets out a mighty fart and says, 'Know what? You cunts are all right.'
“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table.
He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey and walks off with the bible under his arm.
“Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"
The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"
The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"
The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"
The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"
The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!"
The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED sex!"
The Italian man says "That may be true, but we introduced it to women."
The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers.
Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons."
JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger,
"Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?"
"Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob.
"Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep"
JimBob considers for a moment, then says
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass - The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea."
"Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
Where else can you find a population that are 96% Not Z’s
(I worked so hard on that one. Be gentle. )
His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name— they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” Moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."
"Jocks of JFK High! This small change in diet can boost your physique FOREVER! Head to the gym to find out how!"
Puzzled, he pulls it off and continues down the hall. Just a few lockers down, another catches his eye.
"Hey goth girls! Tired of dark eyeliner that just runs all day? One simple trick will fix it! Find out how in the gym!"
OK, I'll bite, the principal thinks to himself. He walks to the gymnasium, pushes open the door...and immediately gets stuck. He looks down and sees the floor covered with flypaper glue.
Outraged, he removes his shoes to unstick himself and races around the school until he finds a young man placing a note, this time aimed at math nerds, on yet another locker.
He slaps the note out of his hand and shouts:
"QUIT POSTING CLIQUE BAIT EVERYWHERE!!"
I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.
We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.
And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.
But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.
But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."
I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.
Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've reading on Facebook lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
He said: "Thanks! How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I said: "The odds that there's another serial killer in the car are astronomically low"
A young Arab boy asks his dad "what are you wearing on your head?"
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects my entire body."
The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."
Son asks "what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?"
Father :" It's called a burkha , it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face and body during a sandstorm" .
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son…”
"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move."
"Oh," said the man as he pointed at one of them, "Whose clock is that?"
St. Peter replied, "That's George Washington's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."
"That's incredible, " said the man.
St. Peter pointed to another clock, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."
The man was impressed, and then asked, "Where's Donald Trump's clock?"
St. Peter said, "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
"Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That’ll do, I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn’t have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes please!"
So a guys wants to ask a girl to prom, and so he goes to a craft store to get all the promeposal supplies he needs. He waits a super long line and checks out at the desk. He gets home and makes an adorable poster for the girl. He then goes to get tickets for them and waits in another very very long line for tickets, he finally gets to the front of the line buys the tickets and goes to pick up his tux at the shop. He waits in another line to get his tux and goes home to get ready.
He picks up the girl and they take the limo to prom and wait on an excruciatingly long line to get in the doors. They’re having a great night and dancing away when the girl sees some friends she wants to say hello to and ask the guy to go get them some punch. He kisses her on the forehead and walks off to go get punch. When he gets over to the punch bowl he grabs some glasses and he realizes... theirs no punch line.
The Bartender says “that’ll be a dollar” The guy thinks “man, that’s cheap” but the beer turned out to be delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” the bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle, opening it, aerating the wine, and pouring it into a nice glass before saying “That’ll be 50 cents.” The guy can’t believe it, so he thinks “fuck it” and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch.” The bartender hands it to him and says “here, on the house.” Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy so he asks “Ok, where’s the owner?” The bartender replies “upstairs with my wife.” The guy asks “what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies “the same thing I’m doing to his business”
She said that newspapers are old school and that no one reads them anymore, and proceeded to hand me her iPad.
That fly didn't stand a chance.
The waitress says, "Sorry but the guy next to you ordered the last bowl." He looks over to the guy sitting next to him and sees that he has finished his meal, but the bowl of chilli is still full.
He asks the guy, "Are you going to eat that?" To which the guy replies, "No, help yourself." So he slides the bowl over and starts eating.
About halfway through he hits something. When he looks down he sees a dead mouse in the bowl and immediately pukes all the chilli back into the bowl.
The other guy leans over and says, "Yeah. That's about as far as I got, too."
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."
The interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.....🤠
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in pain even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”.
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say
Lesson 3:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up
Lesson 5:
Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
He walks up to the front desk and sets his dead frog up on the counter top. The lady at the desk says, we don't allow kids here. The kid puts a wad of cash on the counter and the woman replies, "ok what do you want"?
The kid says, "I want to have sex with the nastiest girl here that has the most STD's I can get". "We don't have ladies like that here sorry buddy," says the woman. The kid then puts $100 bill on the table.
After a little discussion though, the woman tell him, "Ok kid, all the way down the hall last door on the left". The kid comes out of the room after a while and as he's walking out the front door the woman stops him. "Hey kid, why in the world would you do that?"
The kid looks up at her and without skipping a beat says, "By me sleeping with a STD’d prostitute, I have the disease. I'm going to go home and fuck my babysitter, then she’ll have the disease. My parents will come home then my dad will take the babysitter home and he will fuck the babysitter, then she’ll have the disease.
My dad will come home like nothing happened and will fuck my mom, then she’ll have the disease. In the morning, when he goes to work, my mom will wait to for the mailman to arrive and will fuck him, then he’ll have the disease.
AND THAT’S THE SON OF A BITCH WHO KILLED MY FROG. "
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replies, "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then calls out to the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asks him for a bun and then eats it. He then asks for two more and eats those as well. The owner says, "Okay, my friend, where's the magic trick?"
The Irishman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket."
PS: Sorry if it's been posted before. Hope you like it :)
Edit: spelling
Friend: I don't know how do you.
Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.
Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.
Me: Exactly
Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen, folks, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars." Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter.
The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still, there wasn't so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!" Walter replied, "Well, to be honest, I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"
Mom: "See that man over there with no arms? Ask him to clap"
Kid: "But mom I'm blind"
Mom: "Exactly"
She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up to it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..
They all had tennis rackets in theirs.
A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"
"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."
"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particular spot? It's not going to be comfort---"
The man cuts him off and explains again that he is sure and asks how much money is needed. The two agree on a price and the tattoo artist begins to prep.
He asks the man again before starting if he is sure. "Yes," he answers, "let's get going."
The tattoo artist begins. The whole time he can't believe what is happening and why this man would put himself through the pain for a $100 bill on his cock.
After some time the tattoo is complete and it's as perfect as a $100 bill on a penis can look. The man is pleased with the work and tips the artist well.
"Look, I know I've asked you and asked you, but now that I'm done can you please just tell me why you would go through all this pain and pay the money you did for this tattoo?"
The man sighs and says, "Sure, I suppose I can tell you. You have been pretty persistent."
"One, I like to play with my money. Two, I like to watch my money grow. And, three, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can do it at home."
She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sandwich dear?”
Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a dissapointed look on his face.
His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit. So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only this time, she makes it with ham and cheese, and on wheat bread. She thought surely he will enjoy this!
The husband enters the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife then asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a dissapointed look on his face.
His wife then thinks maybe she needs to offer him more variety. So the next day, she makes him a sandwich, only this time its made with salami, peparoni, and extra veggies and vinegarette dressing. He walks in the kitchen, takes a bite, and the wife asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”
As always, he replies “It tastes fine” and continued eating with a dissapointed look on his face.
The next day, as lunch time is getting ready to roll around, his wife was making him lunch. She was furious at the lack of excitement and enjoyment coming from her husband, so she decides shes going to make him the most unique sandwich hes ever had.
She prepares her itallian bread, only this time she toasts it, and almost burns it. She adds random ingrediants like peanut butter, peppers and onions, strawberry jam, turkey, ham, corned beef, some olives and some various seasonings. She thought “If this doesnt get a new reaction out of him, nothing will!”
The husband walks into the kitchen, takes a seat, and takes a bite of his sandwich. All of a sudden, his eyes widen, and he takes two more bites.
Suddenly, he looks up at his wife with the biggest grin he’s ever had. He chuckled a bit and says “Finally! Something original in this sub!”
Genie: you have one wish
Wazowski: I want an extra eye
Genie: done
Wazowskii: but nothing happened
After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.
"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"
The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the engine. 50% is for perfect reassembly of the engine. I gave you another 50% on top because you did it all through the exhaust pipe!"
Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and finally reaches a dead end with a pharmacy at the end. It blasts through the doors, skids down the aisle and slams to a stop at the pharmacy counter. The lid pops open and the corpse sits straight up. The pharmacist asks, "Can I help you with something?" The corpse says, "Yeah, you got anything to stop this coffin?"
But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.
Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
In this part of Kent all the farmers grew hops for making beer. The fields were full of hops, and the countryside was dotted with oasts, little round buildings for drying them out.
Now, as you know, Rumpelstiltskin would go on to be famous for his magical ability to turn straw into solid gold, but he first learnt his skill using the local hops. Every night he went out with his little scythe, reaped a few hops from the corner of a field, and turned them into gold back at home. He knew it was dishonest, but he took such tiny quantities that the farmers never noticed.
Over time, though, Rumpelstiltskin noticed his gold was fetching less money at the market. His steady supply had driven the price of gold down, and he was going to need more hops to make the same money.
So he cleared bigger and bigger areas each night, and before long the farmers noticed there was a hop thief about. Worse, it was taking Rumpelstiltskin the entire night to gather all the hops that he needed. Soon he wouldn't have enough hours of darkness to keep up.
Just as things were looking bleak for him, Rumpelstiltskin had a brilliant idea. The farmers and labourers were already doing the time-consuming work of harvesting the hops and piling them up inside the oasts. If he wanted to grab hops quickly, he just had to break into one of the oasts. Instead of reaping the fields...
"Reap oasts," he murmured. "It might be stealing, but it's the quickest and easiest way to get gold."
They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bull."
“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."
"If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
