I was going for a drive in the vast, dry deserts of Nevada. I had just gotten in a fight with my wife, and yes, I might have had a little too much to drink and a little too poor a sense of direction to be doing what I was doing. Cacti and tumbleweeds blurred past me as I tried my best to ignore the clunking sound coming out from under the old Wrangler's hood. One stretch of road blended into the next. As the road got bumpier, I realized I wasn't even on a road after all, but rather wandering the desert on an uncharted course.
SLORTCH! A sickening crunch sent me and my battered mount spiraling and screeching over the coarse, sandy dunes. Sand got everywhere. The Jeep rammed into a dune with a THUD and I blacked out.
"FOOL OF A CROOK!" I heard in a thunderous voice. I looked around, panicked. My legs were caught under some Jeep guts that had spilled all over me. I couldn't move. "Are all you humans this stupid, or are you an extra rare shiny specimen?"
"What?! Who's there? What's going on?" was all I could spew from my confused mouth.
"I am Na'thwhqangq'yi, though those of your kind often call me Nathaniel. Do you not know what you nearly crashed into?"
Still looking around, I shrugged. "A wedding party?" I offered. Out of the corner of my eye, a slimy silver snake slithered silently into view.
"Ahem. Do you see any extravagant mate pairings in the vicinity? You're hardly doing anyone any favors."
Staring into his beady little eyes, I was shocked to realize that the voice was coming from the snake! It seemed to be some kind of telepathic ability. Not only that, he had lowered his voice now that he was closer.
"Well, Nate the Snake," I quipped, "it's not like you've exactly been handing out favors either! What are you, anyway? Some kind of Area 51 experiment?"
Despite the stupidity of my remarks, I heard something like a muffled chuckle. "Nate the Snake... I like that. What I am is very old, and beyond your mortal understanding. But I have been imprisoned within this serpentine body for the purpose of guarding the Terminus Obelisk. It is one spoke of a wheel that, when turned, will ignite ancient flames within this planet that will destroy everything on it. And above it. And outside it, in dimensions you cannot imagine."
"Huh... and what are the other spokes of this wheel? What does that metaphor even mean?" I asked.
Nate the Snake scoffed. "It's literally a wheel, pal. See that stick over there? In the mud?"
I looked over at some kind of branch-looking thing protruding from a mud pit nearby. A stick in the mud.
"I'm not your pal, guy! The name's Jesse. So... you're telling me if I had hit that switch over there, the entire universe and beyond would have ended?"
Nate nodded sagely. "A stick. A switch. An on/off button for existence, if you will, but more of a lever than a button."
I snapped "I'm not Will, I'm Jesse! Pay attention, geez."
Again, that stupid sexy chuckle. "Well I'm not Geez, either! Nate the Snake, remember?"
"Right. By the way, help a pal out and get my legs free, please? I'm not a badass snake like you. I really need to pee."
The car parts holding me down dimly glowed and were lifted from my legs. I thanked Nate heartily and tried to get the Jeep started. No luck.
Finding I was stuck here, in the middle of the desert, I did what any sane man would do: make conversation with Nate the Snake. I found out he'd been guarding this Obelisk thing for centuries. It really didn't look like an "obelisk" to me, though, so I just started calling it the Lever of Doom, and it stuck.
When I got thirsty, Nate was kind enough to lead me to a nearby spring hidden just under a dune that I would have completely missed otherwise. As I drank greedily from the spring, I talked to Nate about my life and my problems.
Despite coming off as a bit of a jerk at first blush, Nate was actually pretty interested in my life. Turns out women in lakes handing out swords is no basis for government, but ancient spirits in snakes handing out advice is an excellent basis for turning your life around. We talked for hours and hours about my wife, Jamie, how all the little times I pissed her off had added up, how she rearranged my things only because she loved me and wanted to clean up the place.
Days passed as I tried to fix the Jeep and failed. No cell reception. I had no idea where the nearest town was. Nate the Snake took pity on me and helped guide me to some wild berries that kept me fed near that mysterious hidden spring. We talked more - about how I felt I was at a dead end at my job, about the career I wanted to pursue and how my manager seemed so much more selfish than other managers in my division. We talked about his abilities, and he showed me some more of the mystical secrets of the desert. He gave me a killer flan recipe. It was all information that I would later take to improve my life immeasurably.
Eventually, I found out what was stopping the Wrangler from starting. With a few zaps from Nate, the engine roared to life.
"I'm going to miss you, Nate the Snake. I feel like we really connected these past few weeks."
"And I you," Nate replied. "But this needn't be goodbye forever. Return to this desert, take a left, then a right, and repeat. When you are wandering, when you are lost, you can find me and we can chat once more. However, you must promise ne that you will never tell anyone about the Lever of Doom."
I took his blessing and warning to heart. Can't believe I even got the old coot to call it the Lever of Doom, too.
And return to him I did. Over the years, as he said, whenever I felt lost in life, I would return to the desert, play the left-right game, and find warm-blooded counsel from Nate. He helped me find solace after my first divorce; he held me stable when the market crashed and I felt totally responsible for it; I bought some guns and helped him defend the Lever of Doom from void-faced legions from Hell. Nate became my dearest friend in life.
One last day, in my hairs of gray, I took one last drive in the deserts of Nevada. I drove my 1989 Jeep Wrangler, repaired multiple times over the years, like I had many times before. As always, I played the left-right game.
I was glad to see Nate's figure in the distance as my Jeep approached. Old friend, one final visit from me.
Clunk!
Uh oh.
That was not a sound my Jeep should have made.
I slammed on the brakes, but nothing happened. The engine roared faster and faster. I was directly on a collision course with the Terminus Obelisk! That stupid little stick in the mud that could destroy the universe. Sweating, I knew I had to make a split second decision... but I knew Nathaniel would never forgive me if I didn't do it.
At the last minute, I swerved into my dearest friend, killing him instantly, and yelled,
BETTER NATE THAN LEVER!
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