to be able to post this in a different sub....
Thứ Năm, 31 tháng 12, 2020
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.
They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will disappear in a poof."
Excited to try this mirror out, the women rush to the restroom. The brunette decides to show off and claim she is the most beautiful girl there. "I think I'm the most beautiful person at this restaurant." A million dollars appears...
A Husband and Wife at Custody court
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”
Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”
Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?”
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: “if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?”...
A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel.
“$100 for anal and 50 for a blow job”, says the man. His friend asks “what about pussy?”. “Nah” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet”....
Thứ Tư, 30 tháng 12, 2020
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where...
A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.
While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.
The people there told him:
"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.
The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.
When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said:
"I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her"
Man: Babe, are you...
Can jokes be sentimental?
A man is sitting next to the crib of his newborn baby. From the other room his father comes in and lays a hand on his shoulder.
"You did real good, son. You're going to make a great dad."
The son looks up and smiles with a bit of anxiety in his voice. "Thanks, Dad. I really hope so."
The father pulls out a small book from his back pocket and hands it to his son. "Now that you're a dad, I want you to have this. I studied it for the first year of your life and memorized every single one. I want you to use it for my grandson."
"The son looks at the...
An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a small plane
The American gets up, goes to the window (it's not that small a plane) pulls a wad of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"...
A man is walking home one night when a woman stops him and says, "twenty dollars." He had never been with a prostitute before, but he decided to do it.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
“What’s going on here?” asks a police officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man says.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Neither did I until you turned on that light."...
The Afterlife
A businessman dies and finds himself in The Afterlife. To his surprise, it’s not at all like he’d heard. Every single religion was wrong.
The walls smell like mildew, it’s dark, and the air is moist and pungent.
Suddenly, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a homeless man he’d passed almost every day on his walk between the train station and his office building.
“Holy crap! What are you doing here?”
“I died, too,” explains the homeless man. “I woke up a few days ago and found myself here.”
“Well, at least there’s a familiar...
On a train in the Soviet Union
Three comrades travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One comrade is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first comrade decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he comes back into the room, sits down and says after 9 minutes:
"You know, you should not really be telling political anecdotes just like that. KGB has every room wiretapped here."
"Come on, it's bullshit. Nothing to worry about" - answer the guys.
"No...
My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn’t.
She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, “I suspect you’ve been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?”
I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, “I have a lot of secs!”
I still can’t figure out why she walked out....
[META] r/Jokes keeps me going
I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes almost everyday and it really calms me down. Thank you for taking the time out to share. 2020 was the toughest year of my life thus far, and you guys played a role in making it slightly better for me. So, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
That...
Thứ Ba, 29 tháng 12, 2020
It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided to only accept people who could make him laugh...
A man came walking up to the gates and Saint Peter said to him:
"Alright bud, you're only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don't you tell me about how you died"
The man looked at Saint Peter and said "Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed!! looked all over the apartment but I couldn't find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he...
A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess you'll just have to write with your other hand"...
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy...
I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!
I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As...
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.
By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."...
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped...
A very attractive girl goes to confession (NSFW)
Girl: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
Priest: "What did you do Child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?"...
Thứ Hai, 28 tháng 12, 2020
A man walks into a bar with an octopus...
He puts the octopus down on a barstool and tells everyone in the bar,
"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."
Somebody in the bar pulls out a guitar, and immediately, the octopus picks it up and plays a rip-roaring solo. The man pays up his $100.
Next, someone produces a trumpet. The octopus grabs the horn and plays a sweet tune. The mans pays up his $100.
Then a Scotsman pulls out his bagpipes. The octopus...
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the...
A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his business.
His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"
"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"
The kid ignores him.
"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"
The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."
"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."...
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”...
After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make life easier. One night she threw herself at him and they made love. After that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple, with an above...
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official...
Chủ Nhật, 27 tháng 12, 2020
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped...
Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious.
Now, we all know that Mahatma Gandhi didn't wear shoes when he walked, so he had rather large calluses on his feet. He also did not eat much, making him rather frail, and due to his diet, his breath was unpleasant, to say the least.
He was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis....
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:
“This year I wont be able to plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here you would help me” The son wrote back:”Dad don’t even think of digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole” Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found. The next day the son wrote again: “Now plant your potatoes dad; it’s the best I can do from here....
Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”...
I was at a dinner party last night and was seated next to a girl in a wheelchair..
She wasn't the most gorgeous, but the more the wine flowed, the more attractive I found her. "So tell me" I whispered flirtily in her ear, "have you ever been fingered under a table?"
"No." she replied. "But I once got fucked under a bus."...
I lost my watch at a party
I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at the party. Infuriated I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch....
Three guys have been travelling through mountains for a week.
They were desperate for some rest on a comfy bed. Later on during the night they came across an old house. They knocked on the door and an old man answered. They explained their situation to the old man, the old man agreed but said that he only had one bed in the barn and that they would have to share the bed. Desperate for the comfort of a soft bed, they agreed. Next morning they all woke up all fresh and happy. The guy who slept on the left side of the bed said that, "I had the best sleep last night, I dreamt that I was getting a handjob from...
Thứ Bảy, 26 tháng 12, 2020
Two blondes go into the woods to pick out a Christmas tree.
After two hours of looking around, the first blonde says: "Ok fine, let's just get one without decorations."...
Joseph Stalin is in a movie theatre with his fellow party members when one of them sneezes
"Who was it?", asks Stalin.
No answer.
"WHO WAS IT?!", he demands, even louder.
Still no answer.
Then he gets up and walks to the front of the theatre. He demands all the people in the front row to stand up. They promptly did.
"Was it one of you?", he asks.
No answer.
"Shoot all of them." The NKVD shoots all of them.
Then he moves on to the second row.
"Was it one of you?", he asks.
No answer.
"Shoot all of them." The NKVD shoots all of them.
Then he moves on to the third row.
"Was it one of you?", he asks.
Before anyone could stand up, a young...
A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.
They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.
After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."
The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?"
The man replies, "That would be amazing."
The woman smiles and says, "Okay. Get your own fucking blanket!"...
Two big girls walk into a bar
They order drinks, in a thick accent.
"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.
Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"...
Three Farmers, a Pig and a Monkey
Three Farmers are raising a pig for the fair, trying to put their brains together to beat everyone else out. One of them gets the idea to put a cork in its butt, "if it can't poop it will get huge!" So they do this, and when the fair comes it's the biggest pig the county has ever seen and they win. They bring the pig back to the farm and say "well we should probably take that cork out... But I sure as hell don't want to do it." The other two agree. They decide the best way to do this is to train a monkey to take the cork out for them. They spend...
A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”...
Reposts...
r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it....
Thứ Sáu, 25 tháng 12, 2020
For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.
A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off after taking a shower when I overheard my boyfriend talking to one of his buddies on the phone. He said he was going to hide the salami in that bitch so I grabbed them both and got the hell out of there!"
Thanks for finishing this joke whomever you are....
A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.
So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.
She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said, “One box of large condoms to register 5.”
The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checkout girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if...
A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:
"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."
But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all twisted and wound up like a spring and he can't even tell which way his head's on, and he realizes he's in the Mad Monk Hold.
Then he sees a familiar bulge hanging down just in front of his face, and he's pretty desperate, so he takes a deep breath and bites...
(A tad NSFW) A friend got really mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don’t know if it’s because she was still wearing them, or because the whole family was there. Either way, it made the rest of the funeral very awkward....
American beer
American beer is like having sex on a canoe - fucking close to water
Marry Christmas from Switzerland...
One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.
The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"
“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.
With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket.
Before the cop rides off she says "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Playing along the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did.”
“Well, next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”...
Three rich guys bury a friend
First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.
All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need any"....
Thứ Năm, 24 tháng 12, 2020
Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’
Husband goes to a police station... “My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”
Sergeant at Police Station: “What is her height?”
Husband: “Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall
Sergeant: “Weight?”
Husband: “Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.”
Sergeant: “Colour of eyes?”
Husband: “Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed
Sergeant: “Colour of hair?”
Husband: “Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.”
Sergeant: “What was she wearing?”
Husband: “Could have been jeans, or maybe...
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know...
A little girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject...
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"...
Thứ Tư, 23 tháng 12, 2020
The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night.
She said " The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"
Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again....
Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.
Past says: I’ve ordered a beer.
Present says: I’m ordering a beer.
Future says: I’ll order a beer.
As they sip their beers, a girl enters the bar.
Past says: I’ve fucked her.
Present says: I’m fucking her.
Future says: I’ll fuck her.
Past says: I had chlamydia.
Present says: I have chlamydia.
Future says: I’ll get... OH FUCK YOU GUYS!!!...
Knock Knock
Knock knock
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy new year!
Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)...
Quarantine has turned us into dogs.
We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides....
3 men get drunk at a bar...
The first guy goes: "You know what? My arm is really small, like, really really small. I reckon it's legitimately the smallest arm in the world"
The second guy goes: "Come to think of it, my head is tiny, I think I have the smallest head in the world"
Third guy goes: "I've never told anyone this, but my cock is absolutely miniscule. The smallest I've heard anyone having
They decide to all visit the Guinness world records HQ for fun.
The first guy goes in and 15 minutes later he comes out smiling and holding a certificate
The second guy goes in...
My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.
I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.
She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.
Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires....
A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.
“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".
"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.”
“Well,” replies the girl "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black.”
"Oh, I'm...
Thứ Ba, 22 tháng 12, 2020
While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.
His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we...
An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.
They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”
After a short pause, she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once...
Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see...
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”...
Thứ Hai, 21 tháng 12, 2020
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint with the lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey.
“Hey! What are you doing?”
The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s...
A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.
He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”
The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”
The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”
The light signals back, “I’m a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is mad. He signals, “I’m an aircraft carrier. I’m not changing my course.”
The light signals back a final message: “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”...
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $50 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $50 to Jack,...
Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...
... Jim asks for a H20.
Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.
Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".
Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed....
There was a King who's Queen was horny af
She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with him could be too dangerous for her. He could be on the frontline for days on end.
So in order to make sure she doesn't cheat on him, he attaches a blade on her private parts in such a way that anyone who tries to have sex with her would get their member...
In the beginning
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down Into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that To him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
God explained it to Adam, and said: "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He Said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam...
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit “What can I get you to drink”.
The rabbit says “I have no idea, I’m only here because of autocorrect”....
A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.
So, at the funeral reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.
A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "Of course, I wrote him a check."...
A blonde and her boyfriend went to the movies
In the film, the main character is running through the storm so she says, "I bet you £20, that they don't get struck by lightning."
And her boyfriend agrees.
20 seconds later the main character is stuck by lightning and the blonde looks confused and gets £20 to give.
Her boyfriend said "I can't take this, I have seen the movie before."
She replies, "So have I but I didn't think lightning would strike twice in the same place!"...
A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:
Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.
RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots....
There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.
He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.
One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week. He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can satisfy herself and doesn't think about searching for a new partner so he went to an adult toy shop.
As soon as he entered the first thing he saw was a blow up doll but soon dismissed the thought of buying it since it's almost like another human, he then proceeded...
Chủ Nhật, 20 tháng 12, 2020
A Mom and Her Daughter ...
A mom and her daughter were taking a cab across town. On the way, they drove by a couple of ladies of the night, standing on a corner, provocatively dressed and looking for business. The inquisitive little girl asked, “Mom, what are those ladies doing there?” The mom replied, “They’re waiting for a bus.” The cab driver interjected, “Lady, tell her the truth. She looks old enough to me.” The little girl glared at her mom and said, “I AM eight years old now.” So the mother, exasperated, replied to the little girl, “Well, you know how you learned...
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"...
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12...
A woman successfully gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour
The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"...
An engineering student found a frog on his way to class
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess" the frog said.
The student smiled, thought for a minute, and put the frog in his bag and kept walking.
After a few minutes, he heard the frog calling out again, so he took it out.
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and go out on a date with you!"
The student smiled, put it back in his bag, and kept walking.
After a few minutes, he heard the frog calling out again, so he took it out.
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess, go out on multiple dates with you, introduce you...
Thứ Bảy, 19 tháng 12, 2020
One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino
This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right." Bartender says, "Young...
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am...
A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.
He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."...
A Panda Walks Into A Bar
A panda walks into a bar and looks around. the bartender greets him enthusiastically asking “what can I get you?”. The panda approaches the bar and orders a small meal. The meal arrives and the panda eats all of it. Once finished, the bartender asks him how the food was. to his surprise, the panda pulls out a revolver and shoots the bartender.
The panda gets up and starts walking out the door. The bartender gets up, and yells “hey, what the hell?!”. The panda pauses and says “look it up”.
Months pass and the bartenders recovery goes well. One...
Does sex count?
Doctor: “Do you do sports?”
Patient: “Does sex count?”
Doctor: “Yes.”
Patient: “Then no.”...
A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...
They start talking and after a few drinks they start talking about how about cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it’s a nice ride. They both end up saying it’s a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other...
Which insect is the best at what it does?
Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately...
A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...
"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."
"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
"I do," the man replies, downing the drink. "And that's why I like you better than my barber."...
Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”
God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought.”...
Thứ Sáu, 18 tháng 12, 2020
A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.
The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.
Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.
"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred site and must die. When you dead, we skin you and use skin to make canoe. Place canoe on lake to remind visitors not to infringe on sacred site. You have one last wish before you die."
The Frenchman says, "I would like a knife."
He receives the knife and calls out,...
Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...
In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.
One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap.
Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men,” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will...
Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer..
But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast....
Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon
You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won...
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screaming Monster Roller Coaster – everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took...
Thứ Năm, 17 tháng 12, 2020
Drunk husband
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she whispered. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"You're so drunk you miscounted," said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed...
Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"
Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"...
Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."
The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.
She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stayed outside while the priest and Ray talked.
"Where is God?" The priest calmly asked expecting to make the point that "God is everywhere". Ray, petrified, said nothing. So the priest asked again slightly louder, "Where is God?!". Ray still said nothing. So the priest...
A horse walks into a bar
And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:
That’ll be $25.
The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:
You see, we don’t really have many horses coming in here.
To which the horse replies:
With prices like these, I’m not surprised.
...
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."...
The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around...
that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.After the laughter had subsided the owner said that...
Thứ Tư, 16 tháng 12, 2020
In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.
The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one....
My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?
Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:
Edit2: More birds again...
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large boobs.
Arthur the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Arthur revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Simon
the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Simon thought about this and said that he could arrange for Arthur to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Arthur readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Simon got a batch of itching powder and poured...
Đăng ký:
Bài đăng (Atom)