to be able to post this in a different sub.
Thứ Năm, 31 tháng 12, 2020
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a restaurant.
They are having a fun time and give their waitress a huge tip. Super excited about the tip, the waitress decides to tell them a secret: In the women's bathroom, there is a magical mirror. If you tell it something truthful, you will be greatly rewarded. However, if you lie to the mirror, you will disappear in a poof."
Excited to try this mirror out, the women rush to the restroom. The brunette decides to show off and claim she is the most beautiful girl there. "I think I'm the most beautiful person at this restaurant." A million dollars appears in her hands.
The redhead is feeling a little offended. She decides to show off how smart she is: "I think I'm the smartest person in this restaurant." The keys to a lamborghini magically show up in her purse.
The blonde, super excited to get something really cool, starts to tell the mirror something: "I think--" poof. she is never seen again
A Husband and Wife at Custody court
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”
Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”
Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?”
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: “if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?”
A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel.
“$100 for anal and 50 for a blow job”, says the man. His friend asks “what about pussy?”. “Nah” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet”.
Thứ Tư, 30 tháng 12, 2020
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir." the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"
A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.
While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.
The people there told him:
"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.
The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.
When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said:
"I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her"
Man: Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I'm not about to take that risk with your mother.
Can jokes be sentimental?
A man is sitting next to the crib of his newborn baby. From the other room his father comes in and lays a hand on his shoulder.
"You did real good, son. You're going to make a great dad."
The son looks up and smiles with a bit of anxiety in his voice. "Thanks, Dad. I really hope so."
The father pulls out a small book from his back pocket and hands it to his son. "Now that you're a dad, I want you to have this. I studied it for the first year of your life and memorized every single one. I want you to use it for my grandson."
"The son looks at the cover which is titled 1000 Dad Jokes To Annoy Your Kids."
The son looks up at his father with tears in his eyes. "Dad...I'm honored."
The father smiles. "Hello, honored. I'm, Dad.
An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a small plane
The American gets up, goes to the window (it's not that small a plane) pulls a wad of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.
"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."
The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window.
"In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!"
The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him out the window.
"In Ukraine, we have plenty of Russians!"
A man is walking home one night when a woman stops him and says, "twenty dollars." He had never been with a prostitute before, but he decided to do it.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
“What’s going on here?” asks a police officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man says.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Neither did I until you turned on that light."
The Afterlife
A businessman dies and finds himself in The Afterlife. To his surprise, it’s not at all like he’d heard. Every single religion was wrong.
The walls smell like mildew, it’s dark, and the air is moist and pungent.
Suddenly, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a homeless man he’d passed almost every day on his walk between the train station and his office building.
“Holy crap! What are you doing here?”
“I died, too,” explains the homeless man. “I woke up a few days ago and found myself here.”
“Well, at least there’s a familiar face. What is this place?”
“This crap hole is the lowest level of The Afterlife,” says the homeless man. “You must’ve done something pretty terrible to end up down here.”
“Well, I was waiting to cross the road and this insufferable hipster was standing next to me —“
Just then, a gong sounded three times: BONG! BONG! BONG!
The businessman watched as everyone around them slowly assembled into three separate lines, grimacing and eye-rolling all the way.
“What’s this all about?”
“You arrived just in time for dinner.” The homeless man gestured to the three lines. “That line over there is for a half-eaten, moldy hot dog bun. The middle line is for bland creamed corn that they drop on the floor right before serving it. The last line is putrid sewer water with floating bits of god-knows-what.”
“Ugh,” groans the businessman. They shuffle through each line, find a couple ass-numbing, uneven rock stools and choke down their food.
As they’re eating, the homeless man educates the businessman about The Afterlife.
“It turns out there’s four levels. We, of course, are in the lowest level.”
“Is it possible to get to the next level?”
“Yeah,” replies the homeless man, lowering his voice. He gestures behind him. “See that guard next to that door? He can be bribed.”
“Woah! How much?”
“He wants $1,000.”
“Well, I ain’t got shit else to do,” says the businessman.
He secures a job and, after about a year, raises $1,000.
He walks up to the guard, opens his coat, and shows the stack of bills to the guard. The guard looks around, pockets the money, and opens a door to the third level of The Afterlife. The businessman slips through, and the door slams shut.
He looks around. He finds himself in a studio apartment. The walls are cracked and stained, the shag carpet hasn’t been vacuumed in years, several lights are burned out, but it ain’t a dungeon.
He descends a few flights of stairs and heads out to a small, overgrown courtyard bordered by neglected shrubs. The sky is overcast. People are milling about; a handful are trying to play basketball with an under-inflated ball and looking rather disappointed, but making the best of it.
He feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees the homeless man grinning up at him!
“Oh man, you’re here, too!”
“Yep,” replies the homeless man. “Got here about a week ago.”
“That’s great! I’m glad to see a familiar face,” the businessman says as a stray dog pees on a broken street lamp a few feet away.
“So, we never finished our conversation last year,” recalled the homeless man. “What did you do that you ended up in the lowest level of The Afterlife?”
“Well, I was waiting to cross the road and this insufferable hipster was standing next to me, talking loudly into his phone, and a bus was driving down the street towards us—“
Again, a loud gong sounded: BONG! BONG! BONG!
And again, people slowly organized themselves into three lines.
“Lunchtime?” inquired the businessman.
“Yeah.” The homeless man gestured to the three lines. “In that line, you get a hamburger with the consistency of a hockey puck and a stale bun. In the second line, a handful of broken potato chips. And in the third line, flat Coke.”
“Well, it’s better than the crap in the last level.”
The men both make their way through the lines and find a wet picnic table. As they sit and their pants slowly take in the dampness, the businessman inevitably asks:
“So, there’s gotta be a way to get to Level 2, right?”
“Yeah,” the homeless man talks in a hushed tone. “See that guard behind me?”
He gestures. The businessman sees a guard standing next to the door of a rusted-out porta-potty.
“Yeah. How much?”
“Two hundred thousand.”
The businessman nearly spits out his charred burger. He wipes his mouth and shrugs.
“Well, I ain’t got shit else to do.”
He takes a job and, after ten years, raises $200,000.
He wanders over to the guard at the shit house. He unzips a duffel bag and opens it. The guard looks down into the duffel, zips it back up, slings it over his shoulder, and turns his back on the businessman.
The businessman opens the door of the porta-potty and walks in.
To his amazement, a lavish home opens up before his eyes. There’s a polished grand piano sitting in the corner of a room filled with books. Another room has a brand new billiards table with shiny balls, lined up and ready for a game. Hunting trophies adorn the walls.
He wanders through the home, opens a pair of French doors, and finds himself on a veranda overlooking a courtyard. Several people are laughing and enjoying a game of beach volleyball.
He feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and, once again, finds the homeless man smiling up at him.
“Oh man, I’m so glad to see you!”
“Yep,” replied the homeless man. “Here we are again! I got here a few months ago.”
They catch up, having a great time and laughing.
There’s a lull in the conversation. The homeless man, once again, breaks the silence:
“We never finished our conversation 11 years ago. What did you do that you ended up on the lowest level of The Afterlife?”
“Well, I was waiting to cross the road and this insufferable hipster was standing next to me, talking loudly into his phone, and a bus was driving down the street towards us, so I put my hand in the hipster’s shoulder and —“
BONG! BONG! BONG!
Once again, people began organizing themselves into three lines.
“The food here has gotta be great!” The businessman looked eager for some food.
“Oh, you know it!” The homeless man gestured to the first line: “That line is for barbecue pulled pork. Any kind of barbecue sauce you want, they have. The second line is for cole slaw, potato salad, and a slice of any kind of pie you can think of. The third line has every microbrew in existence!”
They load up their plates, find two large leather chairs and sit down. They’re having a great time when the businessman’s curiosity gets the better of him.
“There’s gotta be a way to the top level of The Afterlife, right?”
“Yeah,” replies the homeless man in a hushed tone. He gestures over his shoulder. “See that guy at the door to the cabana? Ten million dollars and you’re in.”
“Holy shit!” He nearly chokes on a piece of Kentucky-bourbon barbecue pork. “Well, I ain’t got shit else to do.”
The businessman takes a job and, after 100 years, secures ten million dollars.
He walks up to the guard at the cabana. He cracks open a metal suitcase, revealing stacks upon stacks of bills. The guard looks around, closes the suitcase, picks it up, and wanders away from the cabana.
The businessman walks through the cabana door.
The doors squeak shut as the businessman is blinded by brilliant gold light.
As his eyes adjust, his breath is taken away. A chorus of cherubs heralds his arrival with an epic symphony, moving him to tears.
Marble pillars tower above him. Light shines down from three bright suns, casting rays through glorious, intricate stained glass windows. Elaborate fountains punctuate the crystal-clear waterways bordering every single mirrored walking path. Gorgeous, scantily-dressed women offer him intricate hors d’oeuvres and glasses of champagne at every bend in the pathway.
He feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and, sure enough, the homeless man is beaming at him.
“I can’t believe it!” exclaims the businessman, who tightly hugs the homeless man. “We’re in the top level of The Afterlife!”
“It’s fantastic, isn’t it? I got here a few months before you. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this!”
They walk on and catch up, laughing and enjoying themselves.
Eventually, the homeless man asks again: “We never finished the conversation we started 111 years ago. How did you end up in the lowest level of The Afterlife?”
“Well, I was waiting to cross the road and this insufferable hipster was standing next to me, talking loudly into his phone, and a bus was driving down the street towards us, so I put my hand in the hipster’s shoulder, waited for the bus to get closer, and —“
BONG! BONG! BONG!
Once again, the inhabitants lined themselves up into three lines.
“Holy shit, get a load of this,” starts the homeless man. “The first line is bacon-wrapped filet mignon medallions cooked any way you want. The second line is garlic-butter mashed red potatoes. And the third line...” The homeless man trails off, the smile fades from his face, and suddenly seems lost in thought.
“What? What? What’s in the third line?!” The businessman begs for an explanation.
The homeless man looks down at the ground. Under his breath, he says, “I gotta know. I just gotta know.” He slowly turns to the business man, takes a deep breath, puts his hand on the businessman’s arm, and asks, “After 111 years and ten million, two hundred and one thousand dollars: would you have come all this way if you knew there was no punchline?”
On a train in the Soviet Union
Three comrades travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One comrade is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first comrade decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he comes back into the room, sits down and says after 9 minutes:
"You know, you should not really be telling political anecdotes just like that. KGB has every room wiretapped here."
"Come on, it's bullshit. Nothing to worry about" - answer the guys.
"No no, KGB really hears everything you are saying. Here, let me show you."
The comrade snaps his fingers and says: "Comrade Major, three cups of tea, please!"
In a few seconds, train staff bring the tea in. The two comrade are totally shocked. They shut up quickly. Soon, all three go to bed.
Next morning the pranker comrade wakes up alone in the room. He goes out and asks the train staff, where those two comrades went.
"Oh, KGB took them last night."
The comrade asks, totally terrified: "How come, they let me off?!"
The train staff answer: "Well, Comrade Major really like your tea prank!"
My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn’t.
She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, “I suspect you’ve been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?”
I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, “I have a lot of secs!”
I still can’t figure out why she walked out.
[META] r/Jokes keeps me going
I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes almost everyday and it really calms me down. Thank you for taking the time out to share. 2020 was the toughest year of my life thus far, and you guys played a role in making it slightly better for me. So, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
That is all. Mod, please feel free to remove if this doesn't belong here :)
Thứ Ba, 29 tháng 12, 2020
It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided to only accept people who could make him laugh...
A man came walking up to the gates and Saint Peter said to him:
"Alright bud, you're only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don't you tell me about how you died"
The man looked at Saint Peter and said "Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed!! looked all over the apartment but I couldn't find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died."
Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in.
Another man came walking up to the gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died.
"Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!”
Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates.
Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him:
"Tell me about the day you died
"Oh man, you're never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this...I'm butt naked hiding in a refrigerator."
Ps. Sorry if this was posted somewhere before. Read it recently and made me laugh so hard. Happy holidays
A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess you'll just have to write with your other hand"
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.
Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.
But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.
So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused.
He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!
I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.
By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
A very attractive girl goes to confession (NSFW)
Girl: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"
Priest: "What did you do Child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Thứ Hai, 28 tháng 12, 2020
A man walks into a bar with an octopus...
He puts the octopus down on a barstool and tells everyone in the bar,
"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."
Somebody in the bar pulls out a guitar, and immediately, the octopus picks it up and plays a rip-roaring solo. The man pays up his $100.
Next, someone produces a trumpet. The octopus grabs the horn and plays a sweet tune. The mans pays up his $100.
Then a Scotsman pulls out his bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with the pipes and has a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scotsman says, "Ye cannot play it, can ye octopus?"
The octopus looks up and him and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as i figure out how to remove its plaid pajamas."
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary
A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his business.
His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"
"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"
The kid ignores him.
"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"
The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."
"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."
After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make life easier. One night she threw herself at him and they made love. After that, they were for all intents and purposes a couple, with an above average sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him, and she noticed. "What's wrong?" Scarlett asked. "Nothing..." the guy would say.
She pestered him for a while, eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed him to try. "Really... you'll do anything I'd like?" "Sure," she said--"anything!" "Ok! First, I want you to take off your toga and get into this pair of work jeans that had washed on the shore." "Ok..." "Now, put this shirt on please, but first, tape your boobs so that they're flat." "What... ok, I'd say I'd do anything," she said lovingly. "Now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it." She was kind of confused, but non the less she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now I'd like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache." "Ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered. "Now, please put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach, I'll catch up to you in a bit," he said a bit excited... she started walking, wondering and doubting herself. She was confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was him? Suddenly, the guy grabs her by her shoulder, turns her around, and says:
"Man! You won't believe WHO I've been sleeping with for the past 6 months!"
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
Chủ Nhật, 27 tháng 12, 2020
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious.
Now, we all know that Mahatma Gandhi didn't wear shoes when he walked, so he had rather large calluses on his feet. He also did not eat much, making him rather frail, and due to his diet, his breath was unpleasant, to say the least.
He was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:
“This year I wont be able to plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here you would help me” The son wrote back:”Dad don’t even think of digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole” Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found. The next day the son wrote again: “Now plant your potatoes dad; it’s the best I can do from here.
Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
I was at a dinner party last night and was seated next to a girl in a wheelchair..
She wasn't the most gorgeous, but the more the wine flowed, the more attractive I found her. "So tell me" I whispered flirtily in her ear, "have you ever been fingered under a table?"
"No." she replied. "But I once got fucked under a bus."
I lost my watch at a party
I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at the party. Infuriated I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
Three guys have been travelling through mountains for a week.
They were desperate for some rest on a comfy bed. Later on during the night they came across an old house. They knocked on the door and an old man answered. They explained their situation to the old man, the old man agreed but said that he only had one bed in the barn and that they would have to share the bed. Desperate for the comfort of a soft bed, they agreed. Next morning they all woke up all fresh and happy. The guy who slept on the left side of the bed said that, "I had the best sleep last night, I dreamt that I was getting a handjob from my crush." Hearing this the guy on the right side said,"Hey me too, I dreamt that I got a handjob from my girlfriend back home." To this the guy in the middle says, "Huh, I dreamt that I was skiing."
Thứ Bảy, 26 tháng 12, 2020
Two blondes go into the woods to pick out a Christmas tree.
After two hours of looking around, the first blonde says: "Ok fine, let's just get one without decorations."
Joseph Stalin is in a movie theatre with his fellow party members when one of them sneezes
"Who was it?", asks Stalin.
No answer.
"WHO WAS IT?!", he demands, even louder.
Still no answer.
Then he gets up and walks to the front of the theatre. He demands all the people in the front row to stand up. They promptly did.
"Was it one of you?", he asks.
No answer.
"Shoot all of them." The NKVD shoots all of them.
Then he moves on to the second row.
"Was it one of you?", he asks.
No answer.
"Shoot all of them." The NKVD shoots all of them.
Then he moves on to the third row.
"Was it one of you?", he asks.
Before anyone could stand up, a young man stands up trembling and shaking and weakly replies, "I... it was me... Com... Comrade Stalin."
Stalin turns towards him and says, "Bless you, comrade."
A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.
They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.
After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."
The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?"
The man replies, "That would be amazing."
The woman smiles and says, "Okay. Get your own fucking blanket!"
Two big girls walk into a bar
They order drinks, in a thick accent.
"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.
Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
Three Farmers, a Pig and a Monkey
Three Farmers are raising a pig for the fair, trying to put their brains together to beat everyone else out. One of them gets the idea to put a cork in its butt, "if it can't poop it will get huge!" So they do this, and when the fair comes it's the biggest pig the county has ever seen and they win. They bring the pig back to the farm and say "well we should probably take that cork out... But I sure as hell don't want to do it." The other two agree. They decide the best way to do this is to train a monkey to take the cork out for them. They spend a few days training the monkey, ensuring that it will go to plan. The day of, the first farmer stands 5 feet away, the second 15 feet away, and the last 25 feet away. They signal the monkey, and POOP just flies everywhere. The first farmer is completely covered, the second one up to his waist and the last up to his ankles. They rush forward to dig out the first farmer, and when they do he's laughing his head off. "Why are you laughing?? You almost died!" He wheezes back at them: "you should have seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in!!"
A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”
Reposts...
r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.
Thứ Sáu, 25 tháng 12, 2020
For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.
A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off after taking a shower when I overheard my boyfriend talking to one of his buddies on the phone. He said he was going to hide the salami in that bitch so I grabbed them both and got the hell out of there!"
Thanks for finishing this joke whomever you are. It really bugged me not knowing how it could possibly end.
A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.
So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.
She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said, “One box of large condoms to register 5.”
The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checkout girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom, and said,
“One box of medium-sized condoms to register 5.”
A few customers back there was a teenage boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way “too cool". He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said,
“Clean up at register 5!”
A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him:
"Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."
But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all twisted and wound up like a spring and he can't even tell which way his head's on, and he realizes he's in the Mad Monk Hold.
Then he sees a familiar bulge hanging down just in front of his face, and he's pretty desperate, so he takes a deep breath and bites down as hard as he can.
Moments later there is a wild scream and the Mad Monk is flying out of the ring, and he lands in the fourth row of seats with a godawful crash, and before he manages to pick himself up and scramble back into the ring, he's been counted out.
And our boy staggers back to his corner after the referee has held his arm up, and the manager says "What happened? How did you manage it? No-one's ever gotten out of the Mad Monk Hold!"
And the wrestler says, "well, it's amazing the strength you find when you bite your own ballsack."
(A tad NSFW) A friend got really mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.
I don’t know if it’s because she was still wearing them, or because the whole family was there. Either way, it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
American beer
American beer is like having sex on a canoe - fucking close to water
Marry Christmas from Switzerland
One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.
The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"
“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.
With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket.
Before the cop rides off she says "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Playing along the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did.”
“Well, next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”
Three rich guys bury a friend
First throws a thousand bucks into the coffin, saying "I want you to never need anything in the next life".
Second one, richer than the first, throws 5000 behind it.
All look to the third who is even richer than the other two. He writes a check over 100 grand, throws it in the coffin and remarks "Cash it if you need any".
Thứ Năm, 24 tháng 12, 2020
Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’
Husband goes to a police station... “My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”
Sergeant at Police Station: “What is her height?”
Husband: “Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall
Sergeant: “Weight?”
Husband: “Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.”
Sergeant: “Colour of eyes?”
Husband: “Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed
Sergeant: “Colour of hair?”
Husband: “Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.”
Sergeant: “What was she wearing?”
Husband: “Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.”
Sergeant: “What kind of car did she go in
Husband: “She went in my Audi”
Sergeant: “What kind of Audi was it?”
Husband: (sobbing) “Audi A4 Black Edition, Advance Virtual Cockpit, 360 cameras, Bang & Olufsen Speaks, Ambient Lighting pack, Front heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio with Apple CarPlay & Android Auto, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A4 Avant, Non smoking pack - A4, Diesel particulate filter”
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant: “Don't worry Sir. We'll find your Audi”
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir... There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man. "But let me tell you about my weekend."
A little girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
Thứ Tư, 23 tháng 12, 2020
The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night.
She said " The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"
Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.
Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.
Past says: I’ve ordered a beer.
Present says: I’m ordering a beer.
Future says: I’ll order a beer.
As they sip their beers, a girl enters the bar.
Past says: I’ve fucked her.
Present says: I’m fucking her.
Future says: I’ll fuck her.
Past says: I had chlamydia.
Present says: I have chlamydia.
Future says: I’ll get... OH FUCK YOU GUYS!!!
Knock Knock
Knock knock
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy new year!
Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)
Quarantine has turned us into dogs.
We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
3 men get drunk at a bar...
The first guy goes: "You know what? My arm is really small, like, really really small. I reckon it's legitimately the smallest arm in the world"
The second guy goes: "Come to think of it, my head is tiny, I think I have the smallest head in the world"
Third guy goes: "I've never told anyone this, but my cock is absolutely miniscule. The smallest I've heard anyone having
They decide to all visit the Guinness world records HQ for fun.
The first guy goes in and 15 minutes later he comes out smiling and holding a certificate
The second guy goes in and 15 minutes later he comes out smiling and holding a certificate
The third guy goes in, 15 minutes later he comes out fuming. He slams the table and says: "WHO THE FUCK IS [insert person you want the joke to be about]!"
Edit: Sorry about the ending, but the punchline doesn't work unless it's about a friend or someone you know.
My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.
I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.
She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.
Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.
A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.
“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".
"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.”
“Well,” replies the girl "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black.”
"Oh, I'm very sorry" says the midwife, “that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.” “Well, yes" the girl again replies "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy.”
"Oh, I'm sorry" the midwife repeats "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes.” Yes,” continues the girl "there was a little Chinese man in the movie also, I really had no choice.”
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims "Thank god for that!"
“What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well,” says the girl extremely relieved "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark..."
Thứ Ba, 22 tháng 12, 2020
While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.
His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is a club, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."
He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.
Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."
An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.
They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”
After a short pause, she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So… you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she just says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette and entertains his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after expending quite a lot of time and energy.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette, lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
“No. I’m Swedish.”
Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yup. Sure did," the farmer said, cutting off his motor.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Yup."
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out. I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"Oh my god. President Trump is dead?"
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is!"
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”
Thứ Hai, 21 tháng 12, 2020
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint with the lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey.
“Hey! What are you doing?”
The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey you!”
The Monkey looks down and says, “Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink.
A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.
He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”
The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”
The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”
The light signals back, “I’m a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is mad. He signals, “I’m an aircraft carrier. I’m not changing my course.”
The light signals back a final message: “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $50 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $50 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...
... Jim asks for a H20.
Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.
Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".
Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.
There was a King who's Queen was horny af
She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with him could be too dangerous for her. He could be on the frontline for days on end.
So in order to make sure she doesn't cheat on him, he attaches a blade on her private parts in such a way that anyone who tries to have sex with her would get their member chopped off. He then leaves her with 7 of his most trusted soldiers to guard her.
A few days later he's back and as quickly goes to see his queen who looks exhausted. He asks the seven guards to take off their trousers and finds that all of them have severed pricks except for one. He is utterly disappointed in all of them except for the one with his phallus intact and gives him a hug.
"You are my most faithful soldier and have shown true loyalty, for which I will reward you with whatever you desire", he exclaims. "Go ahead soldier, tell me how I shall reward you?"
The soldier hesitant at first replies,"I am tho thorry my thire, I tried my beth to rethrain mythelf...."
In the beginning
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down Into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that To him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
God explained it to Adam, and said: "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He Said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." Just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down Into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, Into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is It now?"
And Adam said.... “What’s a headache??”
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit “What can I get you to drink”.
The rabbit says “I have no idea, I’m only here because of autocorrect”.
A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.
So, at the funeral reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.
A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "Of course, I wrote him a check."
A blonde and her boyfriend went to the movies
In the film, the main character is running through the storm so she says, "I bet you £20, that they don't get struck by lightning."
And her boyfriend agrees.
20 seconds later the main character is stuck by lightning and the blonde looks confused and gets £20 to give.
Her boyfriend said "I can't take this, I have seen the movie before."
She replies, "So have I but I didn't think lightning would strike twice in the same place!"
A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:
Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.
RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.
There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.
He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.
One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week. He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can satisfy herself and doesn't think about searching for a new partner so he went to an adult toy shop.
As soon as he entered the first thing he saw was a blow up doll but soon dismissed the thought of buying it since it's almost like another human, he then proceeded to the dildos section.
There he saw all kinds of dildos, from massive to tiny to ones which glow in the dark but none of them grabbed his interest so he decided he'll go somewhere else and begins to leave the shop when he was stopped by the owner sitting behind the cash counter.
"I know what you're looking for", the owner says
This grabbed the businessman's attention and he stopped to hear what the owner had to say.
"There was a man many years ago who looked just like you, wealthy but tired. He had a wife whom he couldn't satisfy and she was about to leave him when he came here and got my help. He's happily married since then"
"How exactly did you help him?" Asked the businessman.
The cashier bent down and revealed an engraved wooden box from under the counter. There were all sorts of symbols on the box. He opens it and inside it was a pink latex dildo, similar to the ones on the shelf.
"This is an ancient artifact haunted by a Maori tribe who all died of sex deprivation when all the women of their village were killed in a plague, all their souls now reside in this dildo", said the owner.
The businessman being a sceptical guy laughed and then turns to leave.
The owner says, "You're all the same, thinking there's nothing above this material plane of existence. Watch this."
The businessman turns around.
"Voodoo Dildo, keyhole"
To his astonishment, the businessman saw the box violently shake and the dildo rise in the air, float for a second and hover over to the keyhole in the front door and start to fuck it. The dildo fucked the keyhole with such force that the door unhinged and started cracking.
"Voodoo Dildo, box"
The dildo stops fucking the door and returns to the box.
"ILL TAKE IT", screamed the businessman, and after a lot of negotiation he finally purchased the dildo and ran home.
He tells his wife about the dildo and how to use it. "Voodoo Dildo, pussy. That's how you activate it", the businessman told his wife and went on his business trip.
After 3 days of being horny the wife finally gave into her urges and opened the wooden box, took out the dildo and uttered "Voodoo Dildo, pussy". The dildo shot from her hands and started fucking her. First slowly and then changing speed as the way she wanted.
After an hour of fucking, the wife thought it was enough and she grabbed the dildo. But it didn't stop fucking her. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to stop the dildo. She started panicking and called him but he didn't pick up so she started to dress up and go for the hospital, all the while the dildo still fucking her.
She got in her car and started driving. On the way she had a huge orgasm and her car served and almost hit another car. A police car saw this and she was stopped at the side of the highway. A policeman approached her.
"Ma'am you almost hit the grey SUV back there, have you been drinking?"
The wife then proceeds to tell him all about her husband and the voodoo Dildo and that she can't stop it now.
The policeman then says,
"Yeah right, Voodoo Dildo my ass."
Chủ Nhật, 20 tháng 12, 2020
A Mom and Her Daughter ...
A mom and her daughter were taking a cab across town. On the way, they drove by a couple of ladies of the night, standing on a corner, provocatively dressed and looking for business. The inquisitive little girl asked, “Mom, what are those ladies doing there?” The mom replied, “They’re waiting for a bus.” The cab driver interjected, “Lady, tell her the truth. She looks old enough to me.” The little girl glared at her mom and said, “I AM eight years old now.” So the mother, exasperated, replied to the little girl, “Well, you know how you learned about how babies are made? Those ladies are paid money by the men and try to make a baby with them.” The little girl thought about this for a moment, and then replied, “What happens to all those babies?” Without missing a beat, the mother said loudly, “They grow up to be cab drivers.”
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
A woman successfully gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour
The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"
An engineering student found a frog on his way to class
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess" the frog said.
The student smiled, thought for a minute, and put the frog in his bag and kept walking.
After a few minutes, he heard the frog calling out again, so he took it out.
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and go out on a date with you!"
The student smiled, put it back in his bag, and kept walking.
After a few minutes, he heard the frog calling out again, so he took it out.
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess, go out on multiple dates with you, introduce you to my parents, who knows what will happen after that!"
He smiled and started to put it back in his bag.
"WAIT! Why won't you kiss me!?"
"Well, I'm incredibly busy with school right now, so I don't have time for a girlfriend. However, a talking frog is really cool."
Thứ Bảy, 19 tháng 12, 2020
One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino
This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can piss, standing over here, way over there into that glass, and not spill a single drop?" Customer looks up and says, "That's right." Bartender says, "Young man, you got a bet." The guy goes, "Okay, here we go. Here we go." Pulls out his thing. He's lookin' at the glass, man. He's thinkin' about the glass. He's thinkin' about the glass. Glass. He's thinkin' about the glass, glass. Thinkin' about his dick. Dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass, dick, glass. And then, foosh, he lets it rip. And he-he's pisses all over the place, man. He's pissin' on the bar. He pissin' on the stools, on the floor, on the phone, on the bartender! He's pissing everywhere except the fucking glass! Right? Okay. So, bartender, he's laughing his fuckin' ass off. He's $300 richer. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" Piss dripping off his face. "Ha, ha, ha, ha!" He says, "You fucking idiot, man! You got it in everything except the glass! You owe me $300 punta." Guy goes, "Excuse me just one-one little second." Goes in the back of the bar. In back, there's a couple of guys playing pool. He walks over to them. Comes back to the bar. Goes, "Here you go, Mr. Bartender, 300." And the bartender's like, "What the fuck are you so happy about? You just lost $300, idiot!" The guy says, "Well, see those guys over there? I just bet them $500 a piece that I could piss on your bar, piss on your floor, piss on your phone, and piss on you, and not only would you not be mad about it, you'd be happy."
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool.
"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"
He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.
The spy smirks.
"But I still think you American spy."
The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.
He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.
The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.
After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.
"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."
A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.
He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."
A Panda Walks Into A Bar
A panda walks into a bar and looks around. the bartender greets him enthusiastically asking “what can I get you?”. The panda approaches the bar and orders a small meal. The meal arrives and the panda eats all of it. Once finished, the bartender asks him how the food was. to his surprise, the panda pulls out a revolver and shoots the bartender.
The panda gets up and starts walking out the door. The bartender gets up, and yells “hey, what the hell?!”. The panda pauses and says “look it up”.
Months pass and the bartenders recovery goes well. One day he remembers the Pandas words and grabs a dictionary. In it he finds the following : “Panda: eats shoots and leaves”
Don’t hate it’s my cake day
A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...
They start talking and after a few drinks they start talking about how about cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it’s a nice ride. They both end up saying it’s a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.
Which insect is the best at what it does?
Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately
A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...
"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."
"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
"I do," the man replies, downing the drink. "And that's why I like you better than my barber."
Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”
God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought.”
Thứ Sáu, 18 tháng 12, 2020
A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Australian were hiking through some remote mountains.
The weather was oppressively hot when they saw this beautiful lake. They ran down to the lake, stripped off and swam in the wonderfully cool water.
Natives appeared on the shore and captured them and took them before the Chief.
"Lake is our most sacred site. You have violated sacred site and must die. When you dead, we skin you and use skin to make canoe. Place canoe on lake to remind visitors not to infringe on sacred site. You have one last wish before you die."
The Frenchman says, "I would like a knife."
He receives the knife and calls out, "I would rather kill myself than die at the hands of you savages!" He then quickly slashes his throat and dies.
The Englishman says, "I too would like a knife." When he receives the knife, he calls out, "Like my friend from across the channel, I too would rather kill myself than die at the hands of you savages! God save the Queen!" He also slashes his throat and dies.
"What about you?", they ask the Aussie.
" I want a fork".
They hand him the fork and he jabs it into himself all over his torso.
"There goes your fucking canoe!"
(Thanks to the late ex-Prime Minister of Australia, Bob Hawke)
Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...
In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.
One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The two young men, sympathetic to a creature in need, approached the crocodile and released it from the trap.
Once freed, the crocodile transformed into a wispy, glowing fairy! “Thank you, young men,” said the fairy, “Your hearts are truly selfless, and I will grant each of you one wish. What are your names?”
“This is my friend Set, and you can call me ‘Ep’”, said Amenhotep.
“Very well, Ep,” said the fairy “What is the desire of your heart?”
“I wish I was the strongest man in the world!” Amenhotep wished.
“Very well”, said the fairy, “but you must always use your strength to help others.” Smoke gathered around Amenhotep, and when the smoke cleared Ep was 7 foot six and rippling with muscles.
The fairy turned to Set “And what is your wish, Set?”
Set responded “I never want to be poor again! I wish for money!”
“Very well,” said the fairy. Smoke gathered in front of the two of them, and when the smoke cleared a small elf remained, bowing to the two boys. “Greetings, sirs! My name is Elmon, and I am here to serve!”
“Elmon is an expert in all things money,” said the fairy, “He will help you make wise decisions and turn any business profitable, but will only help you so long as he is only asked to do good for your fellow man.”
Amenhotep and Set were inseparable. True to his word, Amenhotep used his great strength to build many houses for people in need. Set helped, as well, but his comparatively small size next to the now-massive Amenhotep earned him the nickname “Imp”. With Elmon’s financial savvy, the two started a non-profit dedicated to building houses for the less fortunate, and Elmon kept all their paperwork in perfect order.
Years passed, and the two lived very fulfilling lives helping the homeless. Amenhotep met a girl while building houses and the two got married and had a beautiful baby boy, Josep.
Ep and Set’s business expanded globally. 15 years passed and Amenhotep grew kinder and more generous, giving to people in need at any of the places he went to build houses. Set built a campus in Cairo for the headquarters of their business and directed global efforts. Over the years, Set lost touch with the people he was helping and became more focused on business expansion and the money of the business.
As all fathers do, Amenhotep wanted his son to eventually take over the business and help the next generation of needful people find purpose in their lives. He sent Josep to the HQ in Cairo to learn the business from Set. Once there, Josep was surprised to find that much of the financial success was due in large part to the financial savvy of Elmon, the elf.
Josep spent months at HQ learning how to run the business. While there, Set decided that it was time to expand the company into a more profitable venture. Instead of building houses for the needy, he drafted up a plan to buy up land around urban areas and construct rental properties at expensive prices while preventing construction of new, affordable housing. He sent Josep with the proposal to Elmon to determine the financial logistics.
Upon reading the proposal and its ill-nature’s effect on Set’s fellow man, Elmon keeled over and died, instantly.
Josep was shocked and ran to alert Set right away, who wailed in dismay at the loss of his financial mastermind. In a rage, he accused Josep of killing Elmon and sent the teenager to jail.
Amenhotep, hearing of the distress, caught the first flight back to Cairo to find himself neck-deep in a legal battle between him and his old friend.
Without the financial and legal savvy of Elmon, Set’s case was a mess. Amenhotep, distraught, tried to reason with his childhood friend. “Come, Imp, release my boy and call off the lawsuit. Let’s use our energy to help those in need and not further what we both know is a fruitless path.”
Set refused, furiously gathering circumstantial evidence to bring to the court to frame Josep for Elmon’s murder.
The case was brought before the court, but Set’s claims were weak and unsupported. The judge, thoroughly disgusted with the lack of evidence from the prosecution, dismissed the case outright.
Obviously, Ep’s teen didn’t kill Imp’s elf.
Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer..
But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.
He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast.
Arguing against an idiot is like playing chess against a pigeon
You strategically think of all the moves and you have the intelligence to win, but they will just shit on all the pieces and then strut around as if they'd won
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screaming Monster Roller Coaster – everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again??”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , “I meant my dress size, you dumbass!”
Thứ Năm, 17 tháng 12, 2020
Drunk husband
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she whispered. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"
"You're so drunk you miscounted," said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."
Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"
Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"
Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."
The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.
She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stayed outside while the priest and Ray talked.
"Where is God?" The priest calmly asked expecting to make the point that "God is everywhere". Ray, petrified, said nothing. So the priest asked again slightly louder, "Where is God?!". Ray still said nothing. So the priest stood up and slammed his hands on the desk yelling, "WHERE IS GOD?!?!". Ray stood up and ran out of the office, past his mother, and ran all the way home.
He came screaming in the front door and ran straight to Jim's room. He opened the door and said, "GOD IS MISSING AND THEY THINK WE TOOK HIM!".
A horse walks into a bar
And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:
- That’ll be $25.
The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:
- You see, we don’t really have many horses coming in here.
To which the horse replies:
- With prices like these, I’m not surprised.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around...
that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?""No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Thứ Tư, 16 tháng 12, 2020
In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.
The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.
My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?
Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:
Edit2: More birds again
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large boobs.
Arthur the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Arthur revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Simon
the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Simon thought about this and said that he could arrange for Arthur to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Arthur readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Simon got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Simon advised that only the saliva of Arthur would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Simon then slipped Arthur the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Arthur worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent boobs. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Arthur left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Arthur found Simon demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Arthur couldn't have cared less knowing that Simon could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Simon slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Arthur.
Đăng ký:
Bài đăng (Atom)