An obese man was walking down a street one day

when he noticed a sign in the window of a building.

Lose 5 lbs guaranteed or your money back!

Curious he walked in and asked about the offer.

"It's quite simple. Go into the room on the left and remove all your clothes." said the receptionist.

Unable to contain his curiosity the man entered the room and removed his clothes. Across the room entered the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

"If you catch me you can fuck me" she said.

The man began chasing her around and around the room but was unable to catch her. Huffing and puffing he weighed himself afterwards and was happy to see he lost 6 lbs!

The next day the man went back and saw another sign.

Lose 20 lbs or your money back

Excitedly he walked in and put down his money.

"Thank you" said the receptionist. "Please enter the room on your right and remove your clothes."

The man rushed in a removed his clothes ready to pounce when another beautiful woman walked in.

The largest black man with a huge dick walked in.

"If I catch you" he says "I get to fuck you..."

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Why did princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

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Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day...

Give him a religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?

Wait until your friend replies it's three stories

Now, this guy's a real asshole and thinks he can do everything right, and anyone who doesn't do it his way is wrong. So he goes into the first story, and he sees a guy walking on stilts. He says, "That's not how you walk on stilts!" The stilts guy gets down from his stilts, goes over, slaps him in the face and says, "Hey, who's walking on stilts here, you or me?"

So the guy goes up to the second story and he sees a guy doing gymnastics. He says, "That's not how you do gymnastics!" So the gymnastics guy gets up, goes over, slaps him in the face and says "Hey! Who's doing gymnastics here, you or me?"

So the guy goes up to the third story, where he sees a guy flipping pancakes. He says, "That's not how you flip pancakes!" So the guy takes the frying pan, goes over, slaps him in the face with it and says, "Hey, who's flipping pancakes here, you or me?"

So the guy goes up to the fourth story...

Stare meaningfully at your friend until they tell you there are only three stories

Slap them in the face and say "Hey! Who's telling the joke here, you or me?"

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What's is the difference between ignorance and negligence?

I don't know and I don't care.

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A little old lady...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

the old lady said.... "well,Not everybody pays."

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The Perks Are Great. Just Don’t Ask Us What We Do. — Backchannel

The Perks Are Great. Just Don’t Ask Us What We Do. — Backchannel
50onRed is a fixture in Philly’s tech scene. But there’s something the leadership didn’t talk about, even with some of its own staff.

June 1, 2016 at 10:31PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/1TXQoCG

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