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Thứ Ba, 7 tháng 3, 2017

An old farmer is sitting on his porch

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

Cop pulls over a couple

Cop: Your back tail light is out

Husband: I didn't know. I'll get it fixed tomorrow.

Wife:I told you two days ago to get it fixed.

Cop: Sir, your license is also expired.

Husband: I didn't realize that.

Wife: I told you last week that the state sent you a letter about that.

Husband: Honey, can you keep your damn mouth shut ?

Cop: Does your husband always talk to you like that ?

Wife: No. Only when he's drunk.

What is an english teacher's favorite drink?

Tequila Mockingbird

Boobs are like the sun...

Taking a quick look is fine, but staring is not.

Then again, that's what sunglasses are for.

I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.... [NSFW]

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

A little girl was playing in the garden

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" "That’s a Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked.

The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question. He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we’re not having any of that gay shit in our garden."