Me "when I what"
Thứ Sáu, 3 tháng 8, 2018
An Alabama girl sees her mother showering
An Alabama girl sees her mother showering. She sees her tits and asks: "Mom, what is that on your chest?"
The mother says: "Nothing important sweetie, you'll get them too when you are older!"
Later in the day, she sees her father showering. She sees her dad's dick and asks: "What's that between your legs, dad?"
The father says: "I can't tell you right now!"
The girl asks: "Will I get it when I'm older?"
The father replies: "You can get it now if you stay quiet."
Farmer Bill goes into a bar and is greeted by the bartender.
Joe: "Hey bill, what’s up? You look awful"
Bill: "Oh it's really bad. I don't wanna talk about it."
Joe: "Come on. You know you can tell me anything."
Bill: "No, there are things you just CAN'T explain."
Bill talks a little more to Joe and after two beer he finally tells his story.
Bill: "You know my cow Bertha. She’s always so stubborn."
Joe: "Oh yes, that cow is a bitch."
Bill: "So this morning I go into her stable to milk her. Just when I sit down on my milking stool she kicks it away and I fall on the floor."
Joe: "Okay, that happens"
Bill: "I reach on the board above me, take a calving rope and tie her leg up. But just as I want to sit down again she kicks my milking stool with her other leg. This time I almost break my neck."
Joe: "So that’s why you are upset. Does it hurt that much?"
Bill: "No, let's talk about something else. There are things you just CAN'T explain."
A beer later Joe convinces Bill to continue with his story.
Bill: "Okay, so Bertha kicked the milking stool a second time. I get up, reach on the board above me, take a calving rope and tie her second leg up."
Joe: "So her back is basically hovering?"
Bill, with tears in his eyes: "Yes! You know what? There are things you just..."
Joe: "...CAN'T explain. I understand. Please try anyway."
Bill: "So, Bertha is hovering in front of me. And just as I reach for the milking stool she slaps me in the face with her tail."
Joe: "That sounds just like Bertha. But we both know you love her anyway."
Bill, with a death glare: "I do NOT love her! Anyways, I get up, reach on the board above me, no calving rope left. I take my belt, tie her tail up, my pants drop, my wife comes in ... there are things you just CAN'T explain."
Donald Trump dies and goes to hell.
Donald Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.” Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump. The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
A drunk man goes into a restaurtant
A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him again: "Sorry sir, I already told you. We don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man leaves again, comes back 20 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter shouts at him: "Get out of here now! I told you 2 times already: WE DON'T SERVE DRUNK PEOPLE!"
The man asks him: "Dude, is there a restaurant you don't work at?"
Honest Confession
This is long, have patience and read it without skipping to the end! :D
A confession in a Facebook page read :
"My sister is a hottie."
Wow... okay, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but it's late and I am sleep deprived so I guess I'll write it now and regret it in the morning.
First of all - just for some background : My mom died right when I was born, She was really really hot, but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever... I actually grew up with my dad's family because my dad had all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kinda messed up!
Anyway, growing up, I feel like there was always a lot of distance between my sister and I. When I was about 17 or 18, I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.
I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me but I thought she was so beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. My dad's family with whom I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it.
So, I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having trouble with the law, and was actually in custody when I left home. My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, It's still pretty messed up - but I think she had feelings for me too, she actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly!
After we left, we all went to crash with my sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my sister and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.
Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I am not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time!
My friend and my sister never hooked up - I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery, my sister came to see me, and out of the blue she started giving me this awesome slow passionate kiss on the lips.
Sadly, nothing came of it. We spent some time apart and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going really well for a long time and I thought I was totally over her. But I have to say, Like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh...
A little while later, she actually wound up with my friend from before. I can't say I was surprised.
But even after she was shackling up with my friend, there was this one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him...
- Luke
Tl;dr - Sister hottie, got with friend. Brother dun angered papa
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