A man dies and goes to hell...

He is standing there terrified when the devil shows up.

“Don’t be so scared” says the devil. “Hell isnt all that bad. Here I’ll give you an example. Do you like gambling?”

“Sure” says the man.

“Well Monday is casino day in hell” says the devil. “We have all the games and you can gamble all day and all night... all comped”

“How about smoking, you like smoking” asks the devil.

“Yes” says the man

“Tuesday is smoking day. We have cigars and cigarettes from all over the world and you can smoke to your heart’s content. And nothing can happen to you because you’re already dead”

“Wow” says the man”

“Do you like drugs?” Asks the devil

“Yes!” The man says

“Well Wednesdays you can do ANY drug you like for as long as you like. Cocaine, acid, ecstasy, whatever you want, we have... and you can never OD because you’re already dead”

“Amazing” says the man

“You gay?” Asks the devil

“No” the man says

“Oh...” the devil says... “well you’re gonna hate Thursdays”.

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What do anti-vax kids and unfunny jokes have in common?

They both die in new.

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Jared ended his subway career the same way he started it

Trying to get into smaller pants.

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A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."

"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."

"I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."

All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".

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A good number of my friends are racist.

Precisely zero - and that is a good number.

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An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."

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Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

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