I thought to myself... "Well that's a little racist"
Thứ Bảy, 20 tháng 6, 2020
A woman pregnant with triplets was shot in the belly three times.
She was rushed to the hospital and was assessed. The doctor told her “each one of your babies has been shot, but the good news is that the wounds are not life threatening. And even better news where they were shot, the bullets will come out on their own.” The mother is patched up and gives birth a month later to two healthy girls and one healthy boy.
Eighteen years later one of the girls ran up to their mother in tears, “mom! I was having a tinkle and a bullet came out of me!” Mom calmed the daughter down and explained what happened before she was born. The next day the second of the two girls ran to her mother crying, “Mom! I went to have a tinkle and this bullet came out of me!” Again, the mother calmed her daughter down and explained what happened to her before she was born.
The next day the son ran to his mother in a panic, “Mom! MOM!!!” Mother replies, “let me guess, you went to tinkle and a bullet came out?” Son replies, “No! I was jerking off and I shot the dog!!!!”
So there is a Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist in a boat fishing.
The priest says "Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land" and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.
The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situation, the rabbi says "Oh Yahweh help me, I forgot my bait!" And he also steps out of the boat, and walks across the water back to the land to grab his bait, before walking back to the boat.
The atheist was stunned, but refusing to believe in divinity of any sort or it's impact on the world, he says "Yeah... I left my extra line on land". The atheist hips out of the boat and onto the water, and goes to walk across, but falls right through to the bottom of the lake.
After a moment the priest looks at the rabbi and says "Come to think of it, we probably should have told him where the rocks were."
Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
I approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”
"Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like shit. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime." ......
I had to let Jack go.
Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 6, 2020
Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.
They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooled, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.
The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. He was then cooked, eaten, and skinned.
The second man, a Frenchman, decided he wanted to be killed by the gun. He was immediately shot, and the same happened to his body.
The third man, an American, said “I’d like to be stabbed all over with a fork until I die.” Puzzled, a member of the tribe began stabbing him. After about 20 minutes, the American was still clinging to life. The tribesman said “why?! Why did you choose this way of death?! We’re cannibals but even we don’t like to see this kind of torture!”
The American looked up at the tribesman and said “F*CK YOUR CANOES!”
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