An American man gets married to a British woman

Before the big night, his father tells him: "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation

And finally I want you to take of your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation."

After the big night the father asks his son: "So how was it ?"

Son: "Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation"

Father: "Good!"

Son: "Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation"

Father: "Yeah!"

Son: "And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation"

Father: "Very Good! And then what did you do ?"

Son: "I jacked off in front of her"

Father: "What ? Why would you do that for ?"

Son: "To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!"

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My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”

So, God waves his hand and a juicy steak and plum brandy appear in front of the man. He devours it. Whilst eating the steak the man thought of his second wish.

He asked, “God, can you make sure my children and grandchildren stay safe and healthy until it’s their time to go? I want them to live long lives.”

God thought over the idea of protecting the mans family and eventually agreed, “Sure, you’ve been a holy man all your life, it’s the least I could do.”

The man thought long and hard of what he wanted for his final wish. After a few minutes he inquired,

“God, I’ve always wanted to visit America but I was too scared to fly or go by boat, is it possible to build a road spanning the ocean so that I can drive to America in my car?”

God thought about it for a few minutes and responded, “I’m sorry but I’m afraid a project like that is going to take forever. Do you wish of anything else?”

The man thought, “God, I would consider myself a good man, a holy man. But, I’ve been married and divorced 4 times. I just don’t understand it. Can you grant me the power to understand women’s logic and reasoning?”

God, surprised by the question, took a few minutes to think and eventually responded,

“Sir, about that road, would you like 1 or 2 lanes?”

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Dear the person who invented 0,

thanks for nothing

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John is making love with his wife

John and his wife are living in an apartment complex and they make love pretty regularly. Every night when they do it the wife moans uncontrollably.
One day, John's old neighbor, Peter approaches him.
-Hey John, uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but every night when you make love to your wife me and the rest of the neighbors can hear her moan and she's a bit too loud.
-I am sorry Peter. But I'm sure it's not that bad.
-Trust me, it is. It keeps us awake. Could you please do something about it?
-What do you suggest sir?
-I don't know, maybe put your hands above her mouth to stop the noise.
-I will give it a try tonight Peter.
The night comes and John starts making love to his wife again, this time however, he puts his hands over her mouth to stop the moaning. 1 hour into the sex and he screams :
-How is this Peter, is this better?
The neighbor hears him and responds "Yes, that's good".
Another hour passes and John asks again : What about now, how is this? is this good?
Peter wakes up and answers him again "Yes John, that is alright, keep it going".
After another hour John wants to hear the neighbor opinion and asks "Peter, you sure this is good enough?
Peter wakes up and scream "Shut up already, the neighbors think you're fucking me".

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Two Karens are having lunch together

The waiter stops by and asks "Is anything okay?"

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A man goes to a bar the day before a big competition

He walks up to the bartender and asks for the hardest drink possible.

The bartender gives him the hardest drink and the man shoots it back.

After four drinks the bartender asks “what are you drinking so much for?”

The man says “Well tomorrow I’m going on a TV competition, and I’m a bit nervous”

The bartender asks “What’s the competition? Jeopardy? Survivor?”

The man goes “No, it’s a baking competition where we have to show a recipe, and I’ve been working on this Carrot Cake recipe for ages.”

The bartender satisfied with the answer gives him the drink.

After two more drinks the bartender cuts him off and the man, drunk off his mind, walks out of the bar, passed his car leaving it behind, and goes to his mother’s house.

The next day he wakes up, looks at his phone and realizes he has fifteen minutes to get to the studio for the baking competition.

Scrambling for his keys he runs out of his mothers house and yells:

“Where’s my car ma? It’s my cake’s day

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How many Karens did it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

She just holds the lightbulb in the socket and expects the rest of the world to revolve around her.

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