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Thứ Bảy, 9 tháng 1, 2021

My grandad told this one to his friend and I kinda overheard it and knew where it should belong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

I'm being sued by Apple for trying to sell solid gold butt plugs.

Apparently only they can patent expensive stuff for assholes.

Police have found a large number of dead crows on the Highway early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological (Bird) Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

Do you know what happened to Jack Ma after he criticised the Chinese government?

[removed]

Why don’t you run behind a car?

Because you will get exhausted.

Why don’t you run on the side of the car?

Because you will get tired,

Why don’t you run in front of a car?

Because you will get run over.

Little Johnny walked into a whorehouse carrying a flattened frog

He slapped down a $100 bill and asked the Madam of the house for their hottest hooker.

She looks down at him and goes, “Aren’t you too young to be he-“

Little Johnny proceeded to slap another one hundred dollar bill onto the table.

She asks Little Johnny to follow her, and she leads him to their hottest and most used hooker.

They did their business, and when Little Johnny started to leave, she asked him why he was so set on fucking a hooker.

“Well if you want the whole story, I knew someone like you would have a bunch of STDs, and after I fucked you, my nanny would molest me back home, and she would get the stds. Then she would sleep with my dad, and then he would sleep with my mom. “

“And when the mailman would come, he would fuck my mom, getting the stds. And that son of a bitch was the one that ran over my frog.”

r/conservative is furious that their voices are being censored and that people are picking and choosing who can be heard

"This thread is for conservatives only"