He pulls out his phone to show me a picture of his girlfriend... he ask ain’t she beautiful?
I said if you think she’s beautiful then you should see my wife.
He goes why is she a stunner too?
I replied: nah mate she’s an optician.
Thứ Hai, 12 tháng 4, 2021
A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
A couple of minutes later, he hears a disembodied voice say “Nice shirt.” He looks around, but there’s no one nearby that could’ve said it.
Confused, he shrugs it off. A few moments later, he hears the same voice, “I like your tie, too.” He quickly looks around. No one is even near him.
He calls the bartender over and nervously explains what just happened. The bartender smiles and points to a bowl of nuts sitting on the bar in front of the man.
“It’s the nuts. They’re complimentary.”
A man falls asleep in church
Every Sunday a man and his wife attend church. The man has a bad habit of falling asleep during services, so one Sunday his wife brings a hat pin and pokes him everytime he drifts off. The priest is giving his sermon and asks who gave birth to Jesus? The man is asleep wife jabs him and he blurts out "Holy Mary mother of God!" Priest carries on, asks who the savior is, man is sleeping again, wife pokes, he yells "Jesus Christ!" Later on in the sermon priest asks "Does anyone know what Eve said to Adam after the birth of their second child?" Wife jabs her husband and he yells "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'll snap it in half."
A mouse and a lion walk into a bar. NSFW
They take their seats at bar and start drinking.
The mouse scans the patrons and whispers to the lion, "Check out the neck on that giraffe."
The lion nods his approval and says, "You should go over and talk to her. She's hot."
The mouse walks over to the giraffe and buys her a drink. After a few minutes, the lion sees the couple leave. He raises his glass to his little friend's good fortune.
After an about an hour, the mouse comes dragging back into the bar. He's missing tufts of fur, one eye is swollen shut, his ear is shredded, and his tail is broken.
Taking his seat next to his friend, the lion asks, "What the hell happened? Did you get lucky?"
The mouse downs a shot and replies, "Yeah, but between kissing and fucking, I must have run 100 miles."
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.
The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.
The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.
The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"
The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"
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