A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color."

The prince says. "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."

"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you." The Russian explains.

"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.

The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.

"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.

"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."

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What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner

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So what if I don't know what Armageddon means?

It's not the end of the world

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My wife and I went on our honyemoon to Australia...

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.

"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"

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A man asks a woman if she would have sex with him for a Million dollars.

The woman says "yes!"

The man then asks "Would you have sex with me for one dollar?"

"NO! what do you think I am?!" she reply's

"I think we already established that, now we're just negotiating"

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A ventriloquist does a show

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

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Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

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What's the speed limit of sex?

68, because if you go 69 you'll flip over and eat it.

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An unconscious man arrives at a hospital...

After a series of x-rays, the radiologist discovered the man had several plastic horses in his anus.

The doctors have declared his condition as "stable".

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I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

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Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work.

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

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I said Hi to a girl and she replied "I have a boyfriend"...

"And I have a math test", I told her. "What?", she replied, "What does that have to do with anything?".

"Oh", I said, "I thought we were both naming things we would cheat on."

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Who would win a battle between an orangutan and a hyena?

I don't know, but we'll find out November 8, 2016.

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[Long] A beautiful prostitute

A man is driving around the New York City late one night looking for a prostitute. He pulls over at a corner and sees what may be the most gorgeous woman he's ever laid eyes on. The man says, "you are one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen out here, I've gotta ask, how much do you charge for a handjob?" The woman responds that it'll be $100. The man is shocked and asks why it's so expensive. The woman points to a Mercedes on the other side of the street and says, "see that car over there, my handjobs paid for that." So the man agrees and the woman gives him the most amazing handjob he's ever had. The next day, the man can't stop thinking about the night before and decides to go back again. This time he pulls up and says, "I know it's going to be expensive, but I have to ask, how much for a blowjob?" The woman responds that it's $500 and says "see that townhouse over there? My blowjobs paid for that." The man just can't refuse and the prostitute proceeds to give him the most mind-blowing blowjob he's ever had in his life. Before he leaves, the man says "I have to know, if you're handjobs and blowjobs are that expensive, how much do you charge for sex?" The prostitute responds, "see Manhattan over there? If I had a pussy, I would own that whole island."

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#TrumpWon? trend vs. reality

#TrumpWon? trend vs. reality
Typically you see a trend jump from one city to another before reaching country-wide or world-wide status. This was not the case here.

September 29, 2016 at 09:19PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2dnkMsh

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I'm tired of seeing "Hey OP, I banged your mom" comments every time I post a submission....

I never should have given dad my username.

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My girlfriend treats me like God

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

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A guy walks into a bar..

He sits down and strikes up a conversation with the bartender "hey, wanna make a bet?" The bartender shows some interest "What's the bet?" The guy tells the bartender "if I can ask myself a question and answer it, you have to give me a free drink" The bartender looks at the guy strange "that sounds like a stupid bet" "But" the guy adds " if you can ask yourself a question and answer it, I'll pay twice the price for the drink" "Oh, I get it now" the bartender said "well, since you proposed this bet why don't you start first?" The guy nodes "alright" He then ask him self the question "how can a rabbit dig a hole without pushing any dirt out the top?" The guy then answers "it starts from the bottom" "Wait a minute" the bartender said "how'd it get to the bottom then?" The guy grins "I don't know, that's your question"

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Smart blonde joke

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

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The logical scientist

Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris: 'I reckon he's an accountant. '

James: ‘No way - he's a stockbroker. '

Chris: ‘He's no stockbroker. A stockbroker wouldn't come in here. '

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Chris: ' 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living.'

Suit: ‘No offence taken. I'm a logical scientist by profession. '

Chris: 'Yeah, so what's that then. '

Suit: 'I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?'

Chris: 'Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens. '

Suit: 'Well, it's logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?'

Chris: 'It's in a pond'

Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to suppose that you have a large garden then?'

Chris: 'As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.'

Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?'

Chris: ‘As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself.'

Suit: 'well, given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you're probably married.'

Chris: 'Yes, I am married. I live with my wife and three children.'

Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis.'

Chris: 'Yep! Four nights a week. '

Suit: 'Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?'

Chris: ‘Me? Never!'

Suit: 'Well, there you are, that's logical science at work.'

Chris: 'How's that then?'

Suit: 'From finding out that you had a goldfish. I've told you about the size of the garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life. '

Chris: 'I, see. That's pretty impressive... thanks mate.'

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: 'I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?'

Chris: 'Yep! He's a logical scientist.'

James: 'What's that then?'

Chris: 'I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?'

James: 'Nope. '

Chris: 'Well then, you're a wanker.'

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How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the ladder.

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\r\jokes has the funniest most original content

But at least I don't have Alzheimer's.

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How do you get an emo person off a tree?

You cut the rope.

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Jewish Sex

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: Hire a strapping young man.

While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.

That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.' They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed.

Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them'. Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'You see that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'

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My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

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My son swallowed several coins the other day.

I've definitely seen some change in him.

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

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Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke? No.

Do you eat too much? No.

Do you go to bed late? No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

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Do you know what a 6.9 is?

A good thing screwed up by a period.

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So Tim Tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat

But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.

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What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi

I'll let myself out now.

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I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green.

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What the cleaner saw | Lizzie Feidelson

What the cleaner saw | Lizzie Feidelson
When I took a job cleaning expensive Manhattan apartments, I had no idea what I would find out about my clients.

September 28, 2016 at 11:48PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2dac5ze

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How did Harry Potter make it to the bottom of the hill?

By walking... jk rolling

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An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

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A wife came home early and,

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

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This guy walks into a bar...

Sits down and orders a drink when another patron asks him if he'd like to be regaled with some music. The guy says "sure", so the patron reaches into his pocket and places a tiny piano on the bar. He then reaches into his other pocket and places a ten inch pianist behind the piano who then begins to shred the keys, filling the bar with best music the man had ever heard. "Where the hell did you get something like that?" the man asked. "Well, I have a genie that grants me wishes. Would you like one?" the patron replied. "Of course I would!" said the man. So the patron places a lamp into the man's hand and out pops a genie. "You're wish is my command" the genie's voice booms and the man proceeds to ask for "ten million bucks". POOF! Ten million ducks proceed to walk into the bar. The man turns to the patron, exasperated and says "what the hell your genie is broken. I asked for ten million bucks and he gave me ten million ducks" and the patron responds "yeah, ya think I really asked for a ten inch pianist?"

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My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti:

You should've seen the look on her face as i drove pasta!

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Ken Baker Late Bloomer Interview

Ken Baker Late Bloomer Interview
Nobody could figure out why. Then, finally, with a single medical test it became painfully clear.

September 28, 2016 at 03:42AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2doxY1G

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I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver! drops mic

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What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

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When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

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I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.

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A polar bear and a black bear are taking a stroll in the arctic...

When suddenly, the polar bear falls in some water he starts to panic and says, "Help, I'm dissolving!" the black bear replies with, "No you aren't bears are insoluble!" the polar bear says, "That's easy for you to say, you're non-polar!".

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A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant...

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

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My Spanish teacher taught me the word for "Transgender"

I asked him if the word is masculine or feminine

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My mate just rang me and said "what are you doing at the moment?"

I said, "probably failing my driving test."

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What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

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It's 80 degrees in San Francisco today.

Girls are wearing skirts so short you can almost see their dicks.

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What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...

I'll see myself out now.

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Trump takes the bait

Trump takes the bait
A visibly peeved Trump keeps trying to cut off Clinton as she needles him about his business, his climate change talk and his secret ISIS plan.

September 27, 2016 at 10:06AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2dc7flj

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Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."

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A couple have a lot of sex

They challenge each other to see who can have the most sex in a month. The woman wins.

Some say she cheated.

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I've just discovered that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.

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Whats a mans favorite word that starts with 'm' and ends in 'arriage'?

A miscarriage!

This joke never gets old, just like the baby!

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A rich guy suspects that his wife is cheating on him. So he hid a razor in her vagina when she was drunk

He told his 3 bodyguards that he was going to travel for a few days. When he came back he assembled them in a room and asked the first one to take off his pants, his dick was fine so he dismissed so he said ''YES SIR'' and left the room, the second one was asked the same thing and his dick was fine as well so he dismissed him, again he said ''YES SIR'' and left the room. The third one's dick was fine as well. The rich guy was confused but he dismissed him anyways the bodyguard said ''Yeth Thir'' and left the room.

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TIL Hours before Edison died , he came out of coma , opened his eyes and said "It is very beautiful over there"

Well tesla said it first anyways.

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Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery...

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"

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Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.

A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"

the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we have tomatoes, we have potatoes, but we're totally out of onions"

the woman then says "oh well, then I will have two tomatoes, two potatoes and two onions please"

the man says "miss I am sorry but like I said we do not have any onions left"

the lady then says "oh I must have miss heard you, then I would have one tomato, one potato and one onion, please."

the man gets a little but frustrated with the lady and says "alright, let's play a game, if you take the 'omato' out of tomato, what do you get?"

the woman confused says "you would get 't' "

the man says "correct, and if you would take the 'otato' out of potato, what would you get ?"

the woman says "you would get 'p'"

the man then says to her "correct again! now, if you take the 'FUCK' out of onion what would you get then ?"

the woman very much confused says "but.... there is no 'fuck' in onion. "

and the man screams "CORRECT! THERE IS NO FUCKING ONION!"

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My friend recently found out that he is both gay and dyslexic...

He is still in Daniel...

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My favorite joke from tonight's debate

"you have 2 minutes"

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A Scientist Explains Why 'Everything Is Fucked'

A Scientist Explains Why 'Everything Is Fucked'
But that doesn't mean we should give up.

September 27, 2016 at 01:40AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2cX7ssZ

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A monk walks into a bar...

Nah just kidding....

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".

The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.

Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".

"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.

Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".

"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.

"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."

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There once was a man from Peru

Whose limerick was three lines too few.

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A car with 3 engineers and 1 computer scientist stalls on the freeway...

The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator" The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that" The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts" The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets all get out of the car and get back in"

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HUSBAND WANTED

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I can not run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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Microsoft's Internet Business Gets a New Kind of Processor

Microsoft's Internet Business Gets a New Kind of Processor
How Project Catapult could potentially bring Microsoft to the forefront of the AI industry.

September 26, 2016 at 09:36PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2cw9KfN

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Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

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A man walks into a pub and orders three pints

A man walks into a pub alone and orders three pints. The barkeep looks at him oddly and tells him "You know a pint starts to go flat as soon as it's poured."

The man nods and replies "Of course, but me and my two college mates used to go out drinking together all the time. The last time before we split off, we promised to drink a pint for each of us when we go out drinking."

The barkeep, touched by this, pours the man his three pints. The man became a regular at the pub, and true to his story, every time he came in he'd start with three pints.

One day the man came in and only ordered two pints. When the barkeep brought them to the man he said "My condolences for your loss."

The man looked confused for a moment, then laughed, "Oh no, I just quit drinking!"

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What's the worst part about being gay?

You cant think straight.

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[NSFW] A woman sits down on a plane for a long flight

Sitting in the window seat next to her is a middle aged man. Some time after the plane takes off the man lets out a small "Achoo!". Immediately he unzips his pants, pulls his dick out, wipes it off.

Aghast, the woman is so stunned that before she can speak he's zipped back up, staring out the window like nothing happened. Some time later, she hears "Achoo!". The man quickly pulls his dick out, wipes it off, puts it back.

Three or four times later the shock has worn off and curiosity wins out, the woman finally works up the courage to confront the man.

"Excuse me, sir" she asks, "I can't help but notice your... situation there. Is there something wrong with you? Do you have some sort of problem I should know about?"

"Ah, that. I have a very rare neurological condition, you see" he replies, "Every time I sneeze, I involuntarily orgasm."

"Oh my, that's terrible!" responds the woman. "I'm so sorry! Are you taking anything to control it?"

"Yes" he says, "Pepper."

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A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government...

So for homework, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future."

"I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said his dad.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parents' room to get help. When he got there, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.

Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "Oh! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"

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A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

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Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies?

Orphans.

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At a First Date Conversation

At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”

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The 3 generals:

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?'' The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?'' The general said, ''Just do it!'' The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.'' The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''

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The legend of the three kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.

The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.

The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

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I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...

Fuck, I hate being a teacher.

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A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar.

[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]

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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison

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Today someone was killed with a starter pistol...

the police think it might be race related.

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9 years ago i asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today i asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

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Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

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My friends call me an attention whore, but that can't be true

Just look at me!

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A twelve year old boy is walking along the side of a road...

A twelve year old boy is walking along the side of a road. He is dragging a string with him, and attached to that string is a flattened frog. He walks for a few more minutes until he reaches a brothel.

He walks inside and the lady at the front desk immediately stops him and says "I'm sorry son but you are too young to receive any of the services that we offer here. Are you lost? Would you like me to help you find your parents?"

He flashes her a few hundred dollar bills and she says "Well okay then, how can I help you?"

"I would like to sleep with the nastiest woman that you have here. I want the woman with the most stds." He says.

"Well that is certainly odd request," she replies, "but we can most definitely help you with that."

So the boy goes off and sleeps with the most disgusting prostitute of them all and just before he leaves the lady at the front desk stops him.

"Excuse me, I'm sorry but I have to ask. Of all the beautiful women we have here, why did you want to sleep with her?"

He pauses for a moment then responds, "Ok I will only answer because you let me in here. Well when I go home tonight my parents are going to go out to dinner, so they are going to need a baby sitter. Well I am going to fuck the baby sitter and she is going to contract all of the stds I got from that nasty beast I just slept with. When my parents finally return from their night out, my baby sitter is going to need a ride home. So my dad will go and drop her off at her house. But before that happens, my dad is going to convince her to sleep with him as well and then he will receive all of the stds. When my dad gets back he is still going to be a little horny, so he is going to go upstairs and have sex with my mom and all the stds will be transferred to her. Well the next morning after my dad leaves for work and I'm at school, the milkman is going to stop by and drop off the day's milk. Well my mom is going to sleep with the milkman and he is going to contract all the stds that she has, and that's the son of a bitch who ran over my frog."

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Government lawyers don’t understand the Internet. That’s a problem.

Government lawyers don’t understand the Internet. That’s a problem.
Last year, the FBI nearly destroyed the life of an innocent physicist, all because the law isn't keeping up with technology.

September 26, 2016 at 01:59AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2drcSM7

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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks.....

"Hey, Mate! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."How long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says"about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says,"this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"

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You Know What Is The Difference Between Girls Aged:- 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?

At 8: “You Take Her To Bed And Tell Her A Story”

At 18: “You Tell Her A Story And Take Her To Bed”

At 28: “You Don’t Need To Tell Her A Story To Take Her To Bed”

At 38: “She Tells You A Story And Takes You To Bed”

At 48: “You Tell Her A Story To Avoid Going To Bed”

At 58: “You Stay In Bed To Avoid Her Story”

At 68: “If You Take Her To Bed, That’ll Be A Story“

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why would you be a suicide bomber...

And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!

Source: Jimmy Carr

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I'm not sure faith can move mountains...

But we know what it can do to skyscrapers.

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At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

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Wife had a dream she was at a Dick auction.

She told her husband about, "The big ones were going for $100 and the small ones were $1."

"How much did mine go for?" He askes. "There were no bidders." She replied.

The next morning the husband tells his wife "I had a crazy dream I was at a pussy auction, the tight ones were going for $100 and the loose ones were a dollar."

"How much did mine go for?" she asked.

"That's where we had the auction!"

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20 Things to do Before You Die...

1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!" 2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.' 3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away. 4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now. 5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly. 6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it. 7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream. 8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it. 9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go." 10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato. 11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King. 12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO! 13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment. 14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple. 15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's. 16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by. 17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "darn my snake got loose again". 18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away. 19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!! 20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"

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A guy with a gun walks into a bar..

"Which one of you fuckers slept with my wife?!"
A voice from the back shouted "I don't think you have enough bullets, mate"

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Don't give Trump viagra

He'll get taller.

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What has an N, an I, two G's, an E, and an R and can be used to describe people of a certain color?

'Ginger'

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I was on the bus with my gf and this smoking hot Thai chick sat next to me. I thought "don't get a boner, don't get a boner."

But she did.

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Jack and Jill work together in an office...

Things are getting very slow and the manager realizes he has to let one of them go but he can't decide. The manager approaches Jill and says "I have to lay you or Jack off".

"Jack off!" snaps Jill "I have a headache".

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I call my wife "Happy Meal"...

She's not enough to satisfy me but she comes with a toy...

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My girlfriend said if this get 100 upvotes , we'll try anal.

So please don't vote, her strap-on is huge and it really scares me.

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What did the Pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey

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So I was at the Library today

.. And a black Gentleman came over to me and asked where the coloured printer was. I replied "Man its 2016 you can use any printer!"

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I really think Hillary Clinton will be the first f president

Oops. I meant female but the emale got deleted

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How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.

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In a huge lecture hall once I only had four international students turn up - English, French, Spanish and German. I asked if they could all see me. They said...

Yes, Oui, Si, Ja

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Why does waldo wear stripes?

So he isn't spotted.

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Just back from the zoo. Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures.

It was bread in captivity.

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Quartz is filling in today with stories about the economics of the Bunny Ranch, diamonds, and more.

Quartz is filling in today with stories about the economics of the Bunny Ranch, diamonds, and more.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors

September 24, 2016 at 08:05PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2cZhLfq

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Just came back from holiday in Thailand....

.......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!!

Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."

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What do you call a thousand terabytes of child porn?

A pedobyte.

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I finally understand how batteries feel

Because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

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What's the difference between a sharply dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

A Tire.

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My girlfriend's dad called me a pedophile just because I'm 34 and she's 23...

...he totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.

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Jack and Joe are in prison...

Jack and Joe are in prison, in separate cells, some distance away from each other. Sad little jail cells really, with only a solitary, tiny window to peek into the outside. So they pass the time as best they can by telling each other jokes.

One day, Jack asks , "Got any new jokes, Joe?"

"Sorry" Joe says. "I told you every joke I know months ago. You got anymore new jokes?"

Jack thinks for a moment and says, "Well... I do have one more joke. But it's one of those jokes you gotta write down. It's not funny when you say it out loud. Gotta draw a picture and stuff."

Joe suggests, "Why don't write it on a piece of paper, and throw it over here?"

Jack agrees, and spends all week collecting the perfect materials, rewriting the perfect joke, drawing the perfect accommodating picture, and shaping that joke into a perfectly aerodynamic and balanced paper plane.

On Friday evening, when the lights go out, and the guards are changing shifts, Jack tells Joe, "Ok! Here comes the joke!"

He tosses the paper plane, it sails across the prison hallway, slips between the prison cell bars, and glides directly towards Joe's awaiting hands.

Just as Joe is about to grab the paper plane, it gets caught in an updraft. It bounces again the ceiling once, and then glides out the tiny cell window.

"Did you get the joke?" Jack asks.

"No, sorry!" Joe responds. "It went right over my head."

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A dad was teaching his baby how to talk...

Dad: Say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Come on, say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Fuck , just say daddy!

Baby: Fuck, Mommy!

Mom: Honey, I’m home!

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: Who taught you that?

Baby: Daddy!

Dad: Son of a bitch.

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Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the ark hives.

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I got into a fight with my boner this morning:

Don't worry, I beat it single handedly

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Irish Nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, “was that cross enough?

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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet...

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy.

I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?

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My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we both are...

But I laugh more.

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I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm...

...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.

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I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

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girl are u my neighbor's wifi?

cuz u have a stupid name and im having trouble connecting

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99.9% of people are idiots

Fortunately, I belong in the 1% of intelligent people

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The People’s Cheeseburger

The People’s Cheeseburger
The most important fast food restaurant in America is a radical burger joint in Los Angeles.

September 24, 2016 at 12:06AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2czaq7u

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Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: I have a boyfriend.

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Where did Buzz feed learn to click bait so well from?

Me

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I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just one dollar, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."

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I loaned a blind guy some money...

It's ok though. He said he'd pay me back next time he saw me.

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Apparently I snore so loudly that

I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.

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One time, I wrote down so many double entendres...

...I had to rub one out.

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Did you hear about the cow who gambled on an airplane?

The steaks couldn't have been higher.

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It was my first day at a new school and a group of girls told me if I sat with them at lunch, I would not believe what would happen.

Turns out, it was just a clique bait.

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Two beggars in London

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib asks Ali :- 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Ali shows Habib his sign.... It reads,

'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.

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People who are afraid of pedophiles

need to grow up

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A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy storms off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

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Once I saw a blind man touching a cheese grater at Ikea.

He said: "who wrote this bullshit"

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America is racist

When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass . That shows how racist America still is.

Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone

Thanks Frankie Boyle

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Little Johnny is bad at math

Little Johnny has always been bad at math, never willing to study or apply himself. His parents never beat him, they did however move him from school to school hoping he would improve. Finally out of desperation, they took him to an all Catholic school. Within one week little Johnny improved. He would go upstairs every night after dinner and study his books, math especially. By the time his first report card came his mother was burning with curiosity and sat him down for a chat. His mother said, "Johnny we have tried everything to get your grades up, we are very proud, but what on earth finally made you improve in math?"

Little Johnny looked at his mother and said, "Well, the teachers are dressed funny, but when I saw the little man nailed to the plus sign I knew they weren't fucking around."

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Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

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How many men do you need to defend Paris?

I have no idea. Nobody ever tried.

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100 Greatest TV Shows of All Time

100 Greatest TV Shows of All Time
Rolling Stone polled a group of actors, writers, producers, critics and showrunners. Here's what they ended up with.

September 23, 2016 at 12:40AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2cNAQVT

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A man's logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

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Went to the disco last night...

Went to the disco last night. They played Twist, so I did the Twist. They played Jump, so I jumped. They played Come on Eileen, I got kicked out for that one..

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What do Justin Bieber and Adolf Hitler have in common?

Neither of them are musicians.

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Three women were sitting in a hot tub

one older lady and two slightly younger - when suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The first younger woman pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager" she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang and the second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished she explained, "that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip implanted in my hand."

The older woman felt very low-tech and not to be out-done, she decided to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the hot tub, went to the bathroom and returned with a long piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said "well, will you look at that .... I'm getting a fax."

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Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.

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A middle school boy comes home crying...

His dad asks, "What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied. The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face." The boy then stated, "But he's cute!"

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I misplaced something at the office. A nice man in a turban helped me locate it. I guess it's true what they say.

Sikh, and you shall find.

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My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?

Because the other fish were crying.

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To the guy that found my empty wallet...

I don't know how to repay you.

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A man breaks into a home, all the lights are off.

He gets through the window and turns on his flashlight. Out of the dark, a voice says "jesus is watching you"

The thief stops in his tracks, freaks out and turns off the flashlight.

After a few minutes he regains his nerve and starts looking around. When he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange voice echoed from the dark saying again "jesus is watching you."

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, again he hears "jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler jesus."

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An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"

The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"

The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the plane.

"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.

The American turns around. "He killed my wife."

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My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
“Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00”
He checks his wallet and says to the sexy bartender:
“Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” he asks.
“Yes,” she purrs. “I am.”
“Well, wash your frickin’ hands,” says the man. “I want a cheese sandwich!”

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Boss offers money for sex...

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

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My parents just said they want another child.

"I'd love a sibling!" I insisted.

"That's not what we meant." they added.

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how many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None they're content to wander around in the dark pretending everything's okay.

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I have a buddy that likes to have sex with inanimate objects.

We don't hang out much. He's always got stuff to do.

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Police Accidentally Record Themselves Conspiring to Fabricate Criminal Charges Against Protester

Police Accidentally Record Themselves Conspiring to Fabricate Criminal Charges Against Protester
The ACLU of Connecticut is suing state police for fabricating retaliatory criminal charges against a protester after troopers were recorded discussing how to trump up charges against him.

September 21, 2016 at 07:22PM
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"Dad, I'm thinking of getting married"

Dad: Say "Sorry"

Son: For what?

Dad: Say "Sorry"

Son: But for what?

Dad: First say you're sorry.

Son: But what did I do?

Dad: Do it, say "Sorry" first.

Son: Just tell me why!

Dad: Say it.

Son: Ok, Dad! I'm sorry!

Dad: Your training is complete. You apologized without a reason. You have my blessing.

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If I was invisible for a day...

I'd kick a mime artist to death.

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What's the most frighting thing you can read in braille?

Do not touch.

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Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

After some silence, Ted raises his hand. "The grass is definitely green", he declares.

"Now that's an excellent one!" The teacher declares. "But when it gets dry, or cold, the grass starts dying, and turns yellow or brown."

At this point, the class is stumped. While the students racked their brains, trying to get the answer to get Monday off school, Billy speaks up.

"Teacher, can I ask one question first?" Teacher says yes.

"Mrs. Teacher, do farts have lumps?"

Surprised, she answers in the negative.

"Well then," says Billy, "I definitely just shat my pants." He gets up, clutching his rear. "I'll see you Tuesday."

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Stop sign regulations.

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?

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One fine day in Ireland...

... a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I"m just glad I didn"t hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

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When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof...

I WAS SHOCKED!

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Walking Eagle

On a recent trip Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour on her ideas and policies to help all Americans if she was to become president.

At the conclusion of her speech, the tribes presented Hillary Clinton with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Hillary Clinton then departed with her entourage, waving to the crowd as she left.

A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Clinton.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.

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A chicken farmer goes to a local bar......

........sits next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence" he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

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I saw a homeless dude and gave him 1$

I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.77$

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"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" generally mean the same thing...

...except at funerals.

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Clinton consults the past

Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk.

Shortly afterwards she stepped up to the Jefferson Memorial and stopped to ask "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom's disembodied voice replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."

She thinking about this while continuing on to the Lincoln Memorial, and once again she asked the same question. After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

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My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

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I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.

Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

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I asked Siri " surely it isn't going to rain tomorrow"

and he replied " yes it is, and don't call me Shirley"...turns out I left airplane mode on

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A man wants to leave work early

Two men are bullshitting at work, when the one says, "I'm gonna try to get out of work early today, I'll act like I'm crazy." The other man shrugs and tells him to go for it, so he does; he just starts hooping and hollering, banging on all the machinery, and finally climbing up the rafters shouting "Look at me I'm a light bulb! I'm a light bulb!"

The foreman, upon finally seeing the source of the ruckus, tells the man to go home, and that he's crazy. The man goes back to his work station, escorted by the foreman, and starts packing his things while giving his buddy a wink.

The other man starts packing up his things as well, and the foreman asks him what he's doing. The man simply replies, "Well I can't work if there's no lights."

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The US Government Believes Self-Driving Cars Are The Future

The US Government Believes Self-Driving Cars Are The Future
The Obama administration says self-driving cars "will save time, money and lives," and issued policy endorsing the technology on Monday.

September 20, 2016 at 09:05AM
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A Chinese guy walks into a bar with a black bar tender

The chinese guy sits down and says "hey niger get me a jigger." The bar tender pissed says "How about you stand behind the bar and i'll walk in and see how you feel." The chinese guy agrees. So the black guy walks outside then back in and says "Hey chink i'll have a drink." The chinese guy replied "Sorry we don't serve black people here."

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My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt."

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.

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I have the body of a 25 year supermodel...

but it takes too much space in my freezer.

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I like my coffee like I like my women

Without someone else's dick in it SHARON YOU FUCKING WHORE

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Why don't black people go on cruises?

They're not falling for that one again

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Why does Donald Trump secretly not want to win the election?

Because if he wins he will have to live in a smaller house in a black neighborhood

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What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

One says, "Spit out your gum!" The other goes, "Choo Choo Choo"

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A farmer buys a new young cock

A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, the geese, and the lone parrot too.

That evening the farmer finds the cock lying out in the field, pale, half-dead, with vultures circling his head.

The farmer shouts, "you deserve that you horny bastard!"

The cock opens one eye slowly, points up, and replies "shhhh...don't shout, wait for them to land."

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A maid asks the lady of the house for a raise...

"Why on Earth do you think you deserve that?" the lady asks.

Because your husband says I cook better than you ever did.

"Oh does he now? Well, that's not enough, why else?" the lady asks.

"He also says I clean better than you ever did" the maid says.

"I shall give him a piece of my mind later then, but that's still not enough to get a rise from me," the lady replies.

"OK, I fuck better than you too."

"WHAT!" screamed the lady. "How dare you. And did my husband tell you that too?"

"No," says the maid, "It was the gardener, and now I think we can settle on double my rate."

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Whoever invented the knock knock joke..

Should get a no-bell prize

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How do you know your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

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What kind of music do wind turbines listen to?

They're huge metal fans.

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Why is C afraid of D?

Because DEEZ NUTS!

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A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:

"The cannons be ready, Captain!"

The Captain looks at him and says:

"Arrrrrrrrrre"

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I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting

Oops, wrong thread.

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What do you call a 58 year old man that has sex with a 9 year old girl?

The Prophet Muhammad.

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This fibonacci joke

is as bad as the last two you heard combined

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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

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Jeb Bush Is Jimmy Kimmel's Uber Driver In This Goofy Emmys Sketch

Jeb Bush Is Jimmy Kimmel's Uber Driver In This Goofy Emmys Sketch
Apparently James Corden isn't the only late night TV host who needs help getting to work.

September 19, 2016 at 11:54PM
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I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat.

I hate cops.

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As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

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A bishop walks straight to a bar and the barman says

you can't do that, bishops can only move diagonally

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You will forget.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

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What do you call it when Batman skips Church?

Christian Bale.

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An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying on bed for a few minutes, the old man cut a fart and says, "7 points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about ten minutes, the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7.

Now starting to get into this, the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

The old man strains really hard, but to no avail -- he can't fart.

So not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart.

Straining, the old man tries so hard, he poops in the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides!"

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When I awoke from the accident and they told me my fingers were broken...

it was hard to grasp.

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A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church

A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate - there's no paper in this one either!!"

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I was walking through the park this morning, when I saw a man, standing on a tree branch, with a rope around his neck...

I asked him what was happening and he screamed, "After I jump, everyone will dearly miss me when they recall that I hung myself!"

I immediately assured him that that would not be the case, even if he jumped, right there, in front of my very eyes, that's not what people will say!!

Tears welling in his eyes, he jumped.

As he was jumping, I said, "After you jump, everyone will dearly miss you when they recall that you hanged yourself!!"

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Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

Because he isn't real.

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If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harrassment.

If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.

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Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well..

All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.

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Why do Java programmers need glasses?

Because they can't C#.

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A new soldier, fresh out of boot camp, is deployed to a remote base in Afghanistan.

After about a week, the young soldier is approached by his Staff Sergeant.

"Private, how is everything?" he asks.

"It's ok sir, it's just so desolate out here. Some of the guys have been deployed here for months... there's no women anywhere... what do they do.... you know, for women?"

The Staff Sergeant motions towards the south end of the base and says "The boys have some camels tied up over there. No one's gonna judge you out here, son."

The Private shook his head in disgust, telling himself he would never stoop that low.

A few weeks later, the Private is pent up. He needs release. He finally decides to join the club, so early one morning he gets up, walks over to the camels, and unties one.

He begins pumping away at the camel from behind, when the Staff Sergeant and the Major discover him.

"Private, just what in the fuck do you think you're doing?!" the Staff Sergeant asks.

"But, you said.." the Private stammers, still inside the camel. "You said the boys have these camels tied up!"

"You idiot," the Sergeant says. "The boys ride the camels into town to hire a prostitute."

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A kid asks his grandmother "How come ive never seen you and grandpa fight?..."

/ - ... I see mom and dad fight from time to time, but ive never seen you and grandaddy fight... why is that?

/ - Well, says the grandma, we got married in the old church in the middle of town, after the marriage ceremony, we hopped on our horse carriage, it was a long time ago when horse carriages where still a thing, and cars where just starting to come around... And we went our way to our farm, that was a bit away from town, but half way there, the horse stopped, and it refused to start walking again, so your grandpa got down, stood in front of the horse, looked it directly at his eyes and said "one".

/ - He got up on the carriage again, and the horse started walking, i thought that would be it, but then a few miles ahead, the horse again stopped and refused to keep walking, the horse was not tired, or thirsty or hungry, he was just being stubborn!, so your grandpa got down, stood in front of the horse looked directly at his eyes, and said "TWO", he hopped on and we continued our way, with the horse walking again.

/ - When we where almost at the farm, the horse decided to stop again, and wouldnt walk, your grandpa, he got down, looked the horse directly in its eyes, and as he said THREE! he pulled out his gun and he shot the horse right between the eyes.

/ - For a second i was just stunned, he calmly started walking towards the carriage and i started yelling at him!, WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?, WHY DID YOU DO THAT FOR?, NOW HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET THE CARRIAGE TO THE FARM?, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SHOOT THE HORSE!!!", he looked me directly at my eyes, and said, "one".

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[Dirty] Some more dirt was mysteriously added to my garden last night...

The plot thickens

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Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil

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A man walks into a bar

... and stays there my entire childhood.

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." " Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

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The New York Times

The New York Times
A powerful explosion went off on near Manhattan's Chelsea Neighborhood around 8:30 pm on Saturday, injuring 29 people, shattering windows and prompting widespread street closures. Here's what we know and don't know.

September 18, 2016 at 08:40PM
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Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?"

Students: Eggs!

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"

Students: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Students: "Homework!"

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A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

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How to fall down stairs

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 11, 12

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This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop.

I can raise my cat any way I want.

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If Trump and Hillary are both drowning and you could only save one...

What type of sandwich would you make?

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Why can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone?

Because eventually, its cover would be blown.

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How many /r/jokes users does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to do it and one to complain that it has already been done before.

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What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game?

Mein Kraft.

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I spent some quality time with my 5-year old grandson today watching a movie....

Halfway through he asked, "Is that lady going to die?"

"Probably," I replied, "judging by the size of that horse's cock."

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A man collapses in a busy street.

Someome from the crowd shouts "Somebody call him an ambulance!"

Suddenly, another voice calls out "You're an ambulance!"

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A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned ☝her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

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Two paedophiles are waiting at a bus stop when an 8 year old girl walks past...

One says to the other, "I bet she was a looker in her day."

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A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high".

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I hate Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

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How does a coat steal something?

They jacket

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A man's wife gave birth while he was on a business trip.

The doctor called and asked, "Did you know you were having quintuplets?" "I'm not surprised," the man replied, "I've got a dick like a stovepipe!" "You should probably get it cleaned then," said the doctor, "because they're all black."

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What happens when you shoot a black man?

You go to jail for impersonating a police officer...

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The girl who would live forever, and the island that doesn't actually exist.

The girl who would live forever, and the island that doesn't actually exist.
Digg Editions gets you the most out of the internet with top news and the most interesting stories handpicked by our editors

September 17, 2016 at 07:44PM
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Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

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Donald Duck wanted a divorce for Daisy

His lawyer tells Donald, "I am sorry, but you can't divorce Daisy just because she is insane."

Donald replies, "I never said she was insane. I said that she was fucking Goofy."

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Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..

So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'"

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How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why does it have to be a group activity?

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One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Samsung users are going to be like,

"Samsung has had this feature for years”

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It's not possible to have a 12 inch penis...

because then it would be considered a foot.

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People make such a big deal about vegans, but I don't get it.

I've never had a beef with one.

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Hidden desire

A girl at a bus stop spotted a handsome man and without hesitation went to him and said ” you look cute.. I like you.”…. The man out of shock simply placed his hand on her shoulder and said “My dear, this love and infatuation are all nothing. You are too young to be behaving like this. Pls go home and study hard so that you can have a successful life.” He then placed a piece of paper on her hand and said ” I have written some words of wisdom and bible verses for you. Read them before you go to sleep.” And then he walked away.

The girl went back to her hostel in shame and before she slept she opened up the paper and read thus: “Are you blind? My wife was standing behind me. Any way, this is my number. Call me anytime…… By the way, I like you too!”

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"Bite me, asshole"

"Bite me, asshole" - grammatically correct and scathing
"Bite me asshole" - kinky pirate

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I recently met a Chinese man and his name was Kannaswami.

I asked him: "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said: "Many, many years ago when I first went to USA, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter. The man in front of me was a Sri Lankan Tamil refugee. The white lady at the counter looked at him and asked "What is your name?" He replied "Kannaswami".

Then she looked at me and asked "What's your name?"

I said, "Sem Ting".

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Cheaper Pub in the World

Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;

"That will be $0.05 please sir".

"Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too"

"Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir".

"Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps".

"0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together".

"This is astonishing, can I speak to the owner of this place, I'd like to thank him".

"Oh, not just now, he is busy, he is upstairs with my wife".

"...What is he doing upstairs with your wife?"

"Same thing I am doing down here with his business".

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket

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Will Glass Coffins Be A Success?

Remains to be seen.

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Today I'm cancer free!

And all the days before that, but it still counts.

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During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"

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Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

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A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death, when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager, runs out to shut the horse off.

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How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

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I used to be scared of pretty girls,

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today...

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

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Why are hurricanes named with female names?

Because when they come, they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them.

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Tesla Will Build the Largest Backup Battery in History to Power Los Angeles

Tesla Will Build the Largest Backup Battery in History to Power Los Angeles
After that huge methane leak, Los Angeles doesn’t have a power facility to fuel the city during peak demand, and it puts the Los Angeles basin suddenly at risk of rolling blackouts as winter approaches. So Tesla is quickly building a massive battery to fill the gap.

September 17, 2016 at 01:20AM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2cu2VS5

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My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's."

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...

I've been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgery.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial spongebath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly ,”Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely… "A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?"

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A guy wakes up, still hungover from the last night...

He notices his wife is being super nice to him - she makes him breakfast in bed, asks him if he needs anything, hums to herself happily.

Confused, he asks his kid: "Psst, hey, what's going on?".

The kid says: "Well, last night you came home drunk as a skunk, kicked the dog, vomited on the carpet, and pissed in the flower pot. And when mom tried to take off your clothes to put you to bed, you said - leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"

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Irishman looking for a parking place

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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There was a knock at my door.

I said, "Who is it?" and they told me that it was the police. I asked them what they wanted and they said that they wanted to investigate my property for marijuana.

I said, "I haven't got any. Now be on your way."

"Well then," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?"

I said, "Because you might find the cocaine."

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We can't have sex...

This guy went to a bar...long story short, he met this broad and they went back to his place. Before they got undressed to do the horizontal mambo, he said, "Listen, I'm sorry but I don't think we should have sex right away". "Why's that?" she said.

"Well you see, I'm hung like a baby, and I wouldn't want you to laugh and decide you didn't want to have sex with me. Why don't we get to know each other first, and then when we feel we're ready, we'll do it."

So the girl agreed, but only because he was a good-looking dude and pretty nice.

Several dates later, they make it back to his place again, and after some conversation, they decide it's time. She undresses and slides into bed. He undresses, pulls out his dick, and slams it onto the bed with a thunderous noise.

She stares at his gigantic dick, in complete shock and awe.

"B-b-but I thought you said you were hung like a baby?"

"I am," he replied. "8 lbs, 14 and 1/2 inches."

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Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they're worth it.

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Did you know that Iceland...

...is only one sea away from Ireland?

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A Mexican man was visiting America.

He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look.

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands, and all the players, stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

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What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?

Phelps can finish a race...

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"One man's trash is another man's treasure"..

..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted

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What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

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Why did the old lady fall into the well?

She didn't see that well

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You've heard this before. A few guys are drinking at a bar.

They start talking about getting home and they are concerned their wives will be upset about how late they get home.

First guy says, "I do what I can. I put the car in neutral at the driveway and coast in. I tiptoe inside and sneak into bed. But she still knows."

Second guy said, "I idle a half block away, coast all the way home. I take off my shoes before I walk inside. I creep up the stairs and slink into bed but she is still there, waiting and as much as I do and starts yelling."

Third guy says," You're doing it wrong. I squeal my tires all the way into the driveway. I stomp to the front door, slam it closed, run up the stairs, slap my wife on the ass and yell, "who wants this?" and she is asleep every time. "

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My wife told me that she isn't very happy with our sex life.

A small part of me disagrees.

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Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

Because he was always lost at C!

[ I'm^sosorry ]

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery...

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

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Are You a Jerk?

Are You a Jerk?
If you think everyone around you is terrible, the joke may be on you.

September 15, 2016 at 08:37PM
via Digg http://ift.tt/2cclQzb

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Cheap cow...

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?”

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. “You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes, “My wife is from Sicily.”

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A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

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Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins

-Son, leave the room please.

-Dad, but I'm 23...

-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.

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First day of school

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be off limits to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"

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An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would u think they're twins, one is tall, other is short, they don't look anything like each other! Are u blind, or just bloody stupid?"

The clerk replied,"I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would fuck u twice." !!

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A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”

The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You really are an asshole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

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