Socrates the philosopher

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip. In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me Id like you to pass a little test. Its called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance. "Thats right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes lets take a moment to filter what...

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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…

Must be some kind of milestone…...

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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed...

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Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

Boy throws bag at teacher Teacher: "Who threw that!?" Boy: "Me! I'm going home!...

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Since I get free meat from work, every month I host a BBQ.

A perk of working in an abortion clinic I guess....

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I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple....

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What are you drinking there, son?

Son: soy milk Dad: hola milk, soy tu padre...

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Is this the right sub? Need help repairing my fence.

It seems everyone knows how to repost here....

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They're finally making a movie about clocks.

It's about time...

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An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see. I said you pick. She said you pick. I said I don't care you pick. She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets....

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I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer...

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How does every black joke start?

With a look over your shoulder....

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During Ramadan, Sonic the Hedgehog is a Muslim

Because he's gotta go fast....

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A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish." The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish" The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic, think if the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports will have to reach down to the bottom of the Pacific...

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What's the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?

The former is a ladder and the latter is a former....

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The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender “Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped “Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years” “How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the point of living!” “Yeah, what IS the point of living” the bartender grumbled The Redditor then sat there for what felt like hours, pondering the meaning of his pitiful existence. Over the later days, he began to become erratic, asking Scientists, Men of God and even random...

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Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in....

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Why do so few people major in computer science?

Why do so few people major in computer science? In 2005, about 54,000 people in the US earned bachelor’s degrees in computer science. That figure was lower every year afterwards until 2014, when 55,000 people majored in CS. Why has that number remained so low, despite high wages and prominence of Silicon Valley? May 30, 2017 at 09:05AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2qvQG...

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What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful = Against the law Illegal = A sick bird...

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What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question....

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What do you call a fat woman with a rape whistle?

An optimist...

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Barack V/s Trump

Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop, can you just imagine… As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about...

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I hate people who take drugs

Mainly customs officers...

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I built an electric fence around my property yesterday…

My neighbor is dead against it…...

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I don't like computer science jokes..

Not one bit...

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I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican."

It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets....

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After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed…

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. She whispers in his ear, "That’s me before the surgery."...

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Sometimes, at the end of a long day, I like to lie in my bed, look up at the stars, and think…

"Where the fuck did my roof go?"...

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My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.

Her: "Do you know any jokes?" Me: "No." Her: "I'll teach you one." "Knock! Knock!" Me: "Who's there?" Her: "Ash." "Now ask, Ash: who?" Me: "Ash: who?" Her: "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze." Me: rekt...

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My son asked me what a dilemma was?

"Imagine you're naked and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other... Who you going to turn your back on?"...

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An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating on the job.

No name was given but he was a high wanking officer....

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My parents treat me like a god.

They dont believe in me....

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A black child and his father are on an airplane

The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement. "Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A's. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane." The little boy starts getting up but his dad stopps him. "We are not African Americans." Shortly after another announcement...

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First rule of Alzheimer's club

Never talk about chess club...

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a hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky".

He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town"....

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My son wanted me to buy him GTA

When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women" He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf...

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The Allman Brothers Story: How Gregg Allman Keeps Band Going After Duane's Death

The Allman Brothers Story: How Gregg Allman Keeps Band Going After Duane's Death Greg Allman passed away over the weekend. Here's Rolling Stone's profile of the band from 1973. May 29, 2017 at 08:49PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2s6w5...

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The Dumb Politics of Elite Condescension

The Dumb Politics of Elite Condescension Donald Trump feeds off class resentment. Let’s stop making his job easier. May 29, 2017 at 06:09AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2sbCB...

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A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood....

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I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing....

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What do you call a super hero completely made of ice?

Justice...

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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?

I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again....

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Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing Mom : which one will put you to sleep? Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with? Son : let them sleep with daddy Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son...

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Today I realized I have a bit of a logic fetish....

I can't stop coming to conclusions....

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What do you call an Italian hooker?

A Pasta-tute...

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I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.

I am now independent...

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My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries....

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Drugs are illegal in Saudi Arabia but...

It's pretty easy to get stoned there...

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What do a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my Mom is gonna kill me."...

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If you call a girl pretty, she'll forget after a day.

If you call a girl fat, she'll never forget it, because elephants never forget....

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Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."...

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Thanks to Trump, Germany says it can’t rely on the United States. What does that mean?

Thanks to Trump, Germany says it can’t rely on the United States. What does that mean? An unreliable America may mean a stronger Europe. May 29, 2017 at 02:34AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2qsGf...

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What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it?

Envelope!...

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Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities...

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What happens if someone steals uranium?

It becomes theiranium...

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I know how to make a small fortune from gambling

start with a large fortune...

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These Are The Victims Of The Portland Train Stabbing Attack

These Are The Victims Of The Portland Train Stabbing Attack Ricky Best, 53, and Taliesin Namkai-Meche, 23 were killed when they tried to stop a man hurling abuse at two women of Muslim appearance, police said. May 28, 2017 at 09:34PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2rc4g...

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My ex-wife told all her friends I had a small penis...

...she was quite a bit shocked when they all disagreed....

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Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards. First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down." Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son." Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out. Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window. Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!" Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife...

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Cheating wife

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? " The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get...

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My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird....

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Highway Dildo

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom. When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield The little girl asks: Mommy, what was that? The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: It was just a bug honey. The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: It sure had a big dick....

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I guy walks into a bar...

Inside he sees a girl that he thinks looks hot. He walks up to her and starts to talk, then stops. The girl is confused and asks "Were you going to say something?" The guy smiles and says "I was gonna tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long." He sits down next the girl. The girl. Begins to say something but stops. The guy asks if she was going to say something. The girl smiles and says "I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it."...

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Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you...

You have my Word....

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Spider's legs

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first is that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The...

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KFC

A man goes to see the pope. "Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to ' Give us this day our daily chicken.'" The pope is aghast! "I can't just go changing God's word for money!" The man comes back the next day: "Fifty million! Now, think of all the good the church could do with all that money, Your Holiness!" The pope in unimpressed: "Look, I told you. I just can't do it. I'm sorry." The guy is back a week later: "Final offer- $500...

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Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I don't think I can ever repay you....

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Four years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no. Just like 4 years ago....

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A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad." "Yes son?" "Did you ever get shot in the army?" He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies; "No, but I was shot in the leggy."...

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When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. "Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed. "We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders"....

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Why do you never see elephants hiding in a tree

because they are really good at it...

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Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?" "J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh" "Oh you stutter?" "No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."...

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A man comes home to find his wife's suitcase packed. NSFW

He asks her, "Where are you going?" She says, "Las Vegas, I heard I can make 300 bucks for giving blowjobs, so I figured I could make some money doing what I do for you for free." The husband chuckles and starts to pack his suitcase, and his wife asks what he's doing. He says, "Coming with you. I want to see how you survive on $600 a year."...

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A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia

Librarian: "They're right behind you!!"...

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This is an EA joke

Oops, I rushed it and left out the good part....

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These two twin brothers transferred to my school.

Their names were Ving and Ling Nguyen. Ving and I became really good friends. After a few years he told me about how he hated his name and wanted to change it. Since he was 18, he decided to go to the courthouse and legally change his name. He wanted to name himself Lee like Bruce Lee. So, Ving and Ling and I head to the courthouse. Ling is kinda pissed and telling Ving about how angry their dad's going to be. Ving was a family name. We get to the courthouse and Ving starts filling out paperwork but halfway through decided against it. He felt...

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Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there....

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Me And My Penis: 100 Men Reveal All

Me And My Penis: 100 Men Reveal All From the sex addict to the vicar, men open up about their manhood. May 28, 2017 at 03:29AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2rJXC...

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The class comes in from recess and gets a spelling quiz...

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess?" asks the teacher. "I played in the sand box with Sally!" "That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!" Jimmy does and gets his reward. "Sally, what did you do during recess?" "I played in the sand box with Jimmy!" "Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!" Sally does and gets a cookie. "Jamal, what did you do during recess?" "I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me." "Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can...

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What is the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control....

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Did you hear the joke about the dentist who loves tooth extraction?

[removed]...

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My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you." "I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle." "No," I said. "I mean being single."...

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A young girl asked her dad how babies are made...

Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mommy’s tummy. Girl: Does she swallow the seed? Dad: Only if she wants new shoes....

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Why did Donald Trump drain the swamp?

So he could hire what was on the bottom....

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r/jokes should use its karma to help the environment.

Subscribers are already experts at recycling....

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I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or I'm leaving to watch Guardians Of The Galaxy.

She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!" I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."...

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Why did the number 10 die?

It was in the middle of 9/11...

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We used to have empires ruled by emperors, kingdoms ruled by kings and sultanates ruled by sultans.

Now we have countries.......

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An old couple walks into mcdonalds

An old couple walk into MacDonald. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering."That poor old couple - all they can afford...

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Tell me, Sherlock, where do lemons come from?

A lemon tree, dear Watson....

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry." The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"...

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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop today...

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said. "F*ck you!" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk....

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I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?" "No" she sobbed I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage...

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Some day, canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry....

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A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting absolutely drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?” The farmer said, “Some things you just can’t explain.” The man said, “So what happened that’s so horrible?” “Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.” “OK, but that’s not so bad. What happened then?” “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.” “OK. And then?” “Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket...

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The Story of Patel Brothers, the Biggest Indian Grocery Store in America

The Story of Patel Brothers, the Biggest Indian Grocery Store in America Started by an immigrant just looking for a taste of home. Patel Brothers now spans some 51 locations across the country. May 26, 2017 at 11:48PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2qn6k...

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What is it called when two redheads have a kid?

Ginger bred...

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Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France....

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Jamaican Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ‘You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..’ So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, ‘I ‘ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.’ Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t...

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Why is North Korea so heartless?

because they have no seoul ahahahah.. please laugh...

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If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me...

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My dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex…

We laughed about it for a while. Then I remembered me and my wife have different dentists…...

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Friendship between man and woman.

Friendship between women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendship between men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there. This is a repost but I really think we should never let this die....

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You know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. I am german, our gearboxes are flawless....

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Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation..

Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with Roman 2: mmm? Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many...

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Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike

My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders...

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Just quit my job at the helium factory.

I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice....

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Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

For example: Ben is in a hurry. Ben is in a coma....

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Sadder ending ....

A journalist goes to Afganistan for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village. The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!" The journalist realized...

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I almost told myself I was going to stop drinking

But I'm not about to start listening to some damn alcoholic....

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You know what really grinds my gears?

Insufficient lubrication....

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Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here. John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too. Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"...

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A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic. When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he could cool down. The mechanic reply "there is an ice cream parlor a few blocks up the street" so the penguin thanked him and waddled up to the parlor. When he got there he ordered the biggest cup of vanilla ice cream they had. After awhile of enjoying his ice...

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None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power....

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Somebody stole my mood ring

I'm not quite sure how I feel about it....

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Is This A Video Of Trump Pushing The PM Of Montenegro Out Of The Way?

Is This A Video Of Trump Pushing The PM Of Montenegro Out Of The Way?  ​While he's spent much of the NATO summit in Brussels in a handshake war with French President Emmanuel Macron, President Trump drew the attention of Twitter with another potentially less-than-friendly maneuver. May 26, 2017 at 05:09AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2rlei...

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My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn’t woken up once....

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Why do women talk less in february?

Cause there's only 28 days...

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My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had drinks.Cool guy,wants to be a web designer....

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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A perfect 10, but completely imaginary....

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate

They'll kill your dog...

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Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath. He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis....

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I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome." He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."...

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I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, that's fine." they replied. I added, "Your luggage is outside."...

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What did the Arts Major say to the Business Major?

"Can I take your order?"...

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I think my neighbor is stalking me..

she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night...

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I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day....

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Doctor's visit

Doctor: It's bad news, Jim. Jim: What is it, doc? Doctor: You have to stop masturbating. Jim: Oh god...why? Doctor: Because I'm talking to you....

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Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit...

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I hate it when engineering students call themselves engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed....

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Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says: "I think we got this joke wrong"....

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The South American Cocksucking Iguana

A man is having problems with his wife. She's constantly nagging at him and he always seems to be in the dog house. After a particularly big fight, he begins to drive around aimlessly. He passes a pet store and is seized by a brilliant idea. He'll get a pet for his wife! Maybe it will make her happy, He stops and goes in to the store. He wanders around looking at all the different animals. He looks at the fish, the birds, the puppies and kittens. Eventually he reaches the lizards. In the corner of the room is a tank labelled with a sign that says...

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The Worst Mother In Law Ever

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again. Because I didn't want the taxi...

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The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies....

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My wife told me to get dick pills

She told me to get those pills that make your dick standup. Man was she surprised when I came back from the pharmacy with diet pills Pls help, I'm locked out of my house...

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Big pussy

A woman walks into a bar, stands on a chair and shouts: "Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big dude gets up and takes off his size 16 work boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and...

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The Sex Worker Putting Herself Through Law School

The Sex Worker Putting Herself Through Law School “It’s a lot more than a transaction of sex or a lap dance. People are also paying to feel a certain way, they’re paying to feel powerful, they’re paying to feel like their boss.” May 24, 2017 at 10:05AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2qevM...

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BBC

A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her. She looks at it and says, "That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?" He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually reads "Wendy." When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nude beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with "Wy" on his penis. He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy. The black guy laughs and says, "Nah, mon, mine says...

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[NSFW] What's more embarrassing than popping a boner in front of your entire 6th grade class?

Having to explain to your wife why you were fired....

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If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined....

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DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear. The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him. The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"...

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Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven...

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A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...

...and as you can see, they were Wright...

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Why can't two women play monopoly together?

There's only one iron....

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My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…...

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I Need A Raise

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Boss: Yes. Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on...

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I think my wife died...

I mean, the sex is the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up....

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So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight...

when do I get my adult supervision?...

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A Chinese guy buys a well from a Jewish guy

The next day the Chinese walks up to the well; when the Jew runs up to him and shouts, "STOP! I sold you the well; not the water!" The Chinese guy smirks and says "That's exactly why I'm here. How could you store your water in my well and not pay rent?!"...

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How is a walrus like Tupperware?

They're both looking for a tight seal....

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Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must...

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TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world.

While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin....

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Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat....

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TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead...

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A male co-worker tells her that her hair smells nice.

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Frank, the dwarf."...

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Blow Hard

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was...

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Why would the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base....

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Transcript of New Orleans Mayor Landrieu’s address on Confederate monuments

Transcript of New Orleans Mayor Landrieu’s address on Confederate monuments "[A] friend asked me to consider these four monuments from the perspective of an African American mother or father trying to explain to their fifth grade daughter who Robert E. Lee is and why he stands atop of our beautiful city. Can you do it? Can you look into that young girl’s eyes and convince her that Robert E. Lee is there to encourage her?" May 23, 2017 at 08:18PM via...

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Seven construction men are all workings​ at the roadside...

That's the joke......

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I was amazed

As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring....

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A little boy's friend tells him:

"If you say to adults 'I know about it all', they'll give you anything." So of course he goes home and says to his dad: "I know about it all". The dad hands him 100 bucks and tells him "but don't tell mommy". The kid, stoked, goes to his mom and says: "I know about it all". The mom hands him 200 bucks and says "Please don't tell daddy". Then the bell rings, and the kid opens the door to find the mailman outside. The kid tells him "I know about it all". The mailman happily drops the package he's holding and yells "Well say hello to daddy!...

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Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Linux servers, mostly....

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A wife promised her husband she'd be home by midnight when she went out drinking with her friends...

"I'll be home by midnight, I promise." She said. The hours passed as the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m. and a bit loaded, she headed home. Just as she walked into the door the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and 'cuckooed' 3 times. Quickly realizing that her husband might wake up, the wife cuckooed another 9 times. She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him. "Even smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equals 12 cuckoos. That's midnight!" She thought. The...

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A child asked his father, "Why do good people die young?"

His father responded, "When you are in a garden, which flower do you pick?" The child responded, "The Ugly Ones." The father, unprepared for that respsonse, asked, "Why?" "Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden"...

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Jesus and the 12 apostles walk into a restaurant

and Jesus says to the waiter: -- Table for 26 please. -- But there's only 13 of you? -- Yeah, but we wanna sit all on one side....

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The Mother/Daughter dream threesome

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double..? 'What's that..?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No,' - really excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'My Lucky Night',. So I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:...

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Men's Helpline

Men's Helpline Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you? Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind...

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A man walks into a library

and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."...

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Why do asians have small boobs?

Because only A's are acceptable....

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Han Solo : Yoda, are you sure we're going in the right direction?

Yoda : Off course we are....

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In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber....

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A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs." She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?" He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"...

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What do the NBA and a box of crayons have in common?

The whites are useless....

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If your girlfriend's dad ever angrily asks "where do you get off"

"In your daughter" is the wrong answer...

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I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

I shouted, "Fuck, seriously?! I was going to eat that later, but now it will just taste like carrots!"...

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How Anker is beating Apple and Samsung at their own accessory game

How Anker is beating Apple and Samsung at their own accessory game Steven Yang and his team started a company with the sole purpose of selling a better third-party accessory. But they stumbled onto a more lucrative reality. May 23, 2017 at 03:16AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2raw7...

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What makes Hitler better than Jesus?

Jesus could only feed 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish. Hitler made 6,000,000 Jews toast....

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Did you hear about the photographer who ran out of subjects?

He shot himself....

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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, he fell....

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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way...

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If you want girls to be running after you

Become a Bus Driver....

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An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!” At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!” “Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the LochNess monster either!”...

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In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…...

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I just read through six pages in a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing....

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Why cant transvestites be pilots?

There's too much drag....

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What do you call a fat baby?

Heavy infantry....

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Did you hear about the RPG fan who keeps making female characters and re-doing their stats?

He respecs women....

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I named my hard drive "dat ass" so …

once a month my computer asks if I want to 'back dat ass up'....

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Why are all Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off...

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My son wanted to know what it's like to be married

I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me....

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Boobs are like the sun.

It's dangerous to look, but that's what sunglasses are for....

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R.I.P. Boiling Water

You will be mist...

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A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger." The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a urine test."...

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What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

Miscarriage. This joke never gets old, just like the baby....

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Maybe the Internet Isn’t Tearing Us Apart After All

Maybe the Internet Isn’t Tearing Us Apart After All The internet is supposedly causing people to hole up in sites geared toward people like them. But the data tells us that it is not quite true. May 21, 2017 at 10:44PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2pZcK...

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School

With the average velocity of an ejaculation being 28mph, it is too fast for a school zone. I don't think that's why I got arrested outside the school though....

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7 dwarfs in bed feeling happy

Happy got out so they started feeling grumpy...

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A Driver gets Pulled Over

A man driving home from the bar gets pulled over by a police officer. Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Driver: "I'm guessing you think I was drunk driving." Officer: "Tell you what, my shift is ending so if you can spell the alphabet backwards, I'll let you go." Driver: (very quickly) "ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA." Officer: "Wow, I couldn't do that sober." Driver: "Me neither."...

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If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well....

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A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."...

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My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"...

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Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge....

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Today I was offered sex by a 21 year old girl.

In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on the internet. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla....

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If I had a dollar for every gender...

I'd have 2 dollars and a lot of counterfeits. EDIT: Most controversial post of the day and 2nd most controversial of the week in r/jokes... cool I guess?...

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What is big green and fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree?

A pool table...

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American Soldiers

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?” The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed...

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"You're the bomb, no you're the bomb"

A compliment in the United States, an argument in the Middle East....

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Why are women and children evacuated first?

So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet....

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What's worse than waking up at a party with a dick drawn on your face?

finding out it was traced...

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A wife asks her husband to sweep the house.

After 5 minutes she walks in on him playing video games, "I thought I asked you to sweep the house" "It's clean", he replies, "I didn't find any hostiles"...

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Today I lost my virginity

I wish I could post this in another sub...

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The Latest Academic Journal 'Hoax' Isn't Quite What It Seems

The Latest Academic Journal 'Hoax' Isn't Quite What It Seems Two decades after Alan Sokal shook up the academic world with a hoax article, a pair of academic writers revealed on Friday that they had pulled off a "Sokal-style hoax" on a peer-reviewed social science journal with an article titled "The Conceptual Penis as a Social Construct." Here's what's going on. May 21, 2017 at 12:13AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2rDtm...

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Losing my virginity was like my first football game.

It hurt a lot but at least my dad came....

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An elderly man had serious hearing problems ....

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"...

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A Big Muscular Guy Walks Into Walmart

A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter at Walmart and asks, "W-w-w-where's the e-l-l-l-lectronic's dep-p-p-partment?" The assistant behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the e-l-l-l-lectronic's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the assistant doesn't answer him. The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the e-l-l-l-lectronic's dep-p-p-partment?" And the assistant just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms off in anger. The customer who was waiting in line behind the...

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The Redneck Joke

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you....

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The funniest /r/jokes has ever been

http://ift.tt/2qFgW...

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My boss told me to have a good day

so I went home....

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A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.

Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted "Mickey Mouse" 'I'm sorry" he said "I meant to shout "Donald, duck"...

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Knock knock...

"Who's there?" "Broken pencil" "Broken pencil, who?" "Never mind, it's pointless"...

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You can't spell "Advertisements" without...

Putting the semen between the tits....

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A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.

He was delighted....

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My buddy said, "What rhymes with orange?"

I pondered for a while and thought..."No, it doesn't."...

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In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth...

and Trump can not tell the difference...

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"Uniformed police eat free you say?"

"No, sorry it's uninformed police eat free." "Oh, I didn't know." "It's on the house, officer."...

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A rich single man is having a drink by himself in a bar

when a gorgeous woman enters. Everyone is staring at her. The guy thinks to himself, "there's no way in hell I have a chance with her." But, lo and behold, she sits down next to him and has a drink. The two get to talking, and the man learns that she is a hooker. A few drinks in, the man says, "I'm wealthy and single, how much would it be for a hand-job?" The woman replies, "Do you see the rings on my fingers?" Holding up her hand, the man sees a beautiful diamond ring on each finger. "Honey, I'm the best in the business. I've gotten each ring...

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Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Obviously not....

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A girl confesses at a Church...

Girl : "Forgive me father, I have sinned." Priest : "What have you done my child?" Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl : "Because he touched my hand." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he touched my breast." Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl : "Yes father." Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest...

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What is the best way to piss off a Redditor?

[removed]...

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Turkey's Brilliant Tow Trucks Put The US To Shame

Turkey's Brilliant Tow Trucks Put The US To Shame With Turkey's side-loading tow truck replacement, a car is loaded and gone in under a minute. May 19, 2017 at 10:36PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2q3Ea...

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I went to a bar last night

and I saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said "Wow, great legs." She giggled and said "Really?" I said "Yea, most tables would've collapsed by now."...

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A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11." The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?" The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."...

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Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers....

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A trucker was missing his girlfriend

A trucker had been on the road for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to seeing his girlfriend back home and having sex with her. He was nervous about busting a nut too early and remembered reading that masturbating before having sex would help prolong the act. The only problem was that he didn't have a place to beat his meat, his helper/co-driver was sleeping in the back and there were no truck stops for miles. Then he had a stroke of genius and stopped the truck at a wayside. He hopped out and went under the truck to make it look like...

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A man wakes up in a dingy slum

with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is. "You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here." All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands...

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Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: Mine....

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A man goes to a halloween party...

...in nothing but his underwear and a woman on his back. His friends see him and ask, "Hey man, what are you meant to be?" He replies, "I'm a turtle." His friends respond, "A turtle? How are you a turtle? Who's that woman on your back?" The man replies, "Oh, that's just Michelle."...

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A man walks into a bar

and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him. So the man walks outside the bar with the lamp, rubs it and sure enough a genie comes out. "Thank you for freeing me. For this, you can have one wish." So the man thinks for a bit and shouts, "I want a million ducks!" and as soon as he said it, money fell from the sky,...

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Your parents in 1996: "Don't trust ANYBODY on the internet!"

Your parents today: "Freedom Eagle dot facebook says Hillary invented AIDS."...

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I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like...

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Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?

"Ask your sister" I don't have a......

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The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says......... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk." "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. " With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork. "Pepe, Pepe, we ees...

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James bond walks into a bar..

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.” The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?” Bond explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.” The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?” “Well, it says you’re not wearing...

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Three men are trapped on an island inhabited by cannibals.

Soon enough they get caught. the leader tells them to go out into the woods and pick ten of any fruit they find then come back. The first man comes back with ten apples. The leader says to him "If you can stick all ten apples up your ass without making and sound or facial expression then you will be set free. If you fail we will eat you." He only manages to get two in before cringing in pain, and thus he is eaten and sent to heaven. The second man comes back with ten blueberries and the leader gives him the same task as he gave the first man....

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I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again....

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11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window. The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?” The cop says: “What are you...

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Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally.

Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'....

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and a Irishman are captured by Isis.

The executioner lines the men in a row and says that each of them can have one final wish. He starts by asking the Irishman what his wish is. "My wish is to have 1000 Irish tap dancers tapping during my execution." "Granted." The executioner replied and then proceeded to ask the Scotsman his wish. "My wish is to have 1000 Scotsman playing the bag pipes during my execution." "Granted." Replied the executioner, and went on to ask the Welsh man. "My wish is to have 1000 Welshman singing Land of my Farther during my execution." "Granted." Said the...

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water....

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Chris Cornell Dead at 52

Chris Cornell Dead at 52 The iconic frontman of Soundgarden and Audioslave died suddenly yesterday after a concert with Soundgarden in Detroit. May 18, 2017 at 07:05PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2qVkX...

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Apparently, someone in Chicago gets stabbed every 52 seconds..

poor guy....

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After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...

"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!" Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"...

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How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw....

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A naked women robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face...

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How do you make gold soup ?

Put 24 carrots in it...

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What starts with an F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions...

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I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today

That's 7 years in a row now...

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Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer:...

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I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty". To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"....

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I went to the supermarket today to do shopping, when I noticed an attractive young woman waving at me…

She came over and said hi to me and I was taken aback because I couldn't recall where I knew her from. So I asked her, “Sorry, do I know you?” She replied, “Yes, I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” My mind was whirring now and it traveled back to the only time I have ever been unfaithful to my wife. I asked the woman, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???” She looked into my eyes and calmly and replied, “No,...

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One day Canada will conquer the world.

Everybody will be sorry....

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Turns out Trump just got confused

He made the swamp great again and drained America....

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I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?" I said "a big knife." She laughed and said "you're funny." I said "wise choice."...

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My friends made fun of me because they found out that my girlfriend is imaginary...

Jokes on them, they're imaginary too....

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I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it....

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"You're the bomb"

A compliment in USA. An argument in the Middle East....

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Gambling With the IRS

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Ralph. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.” Ralph says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The...

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Shocking Video Shows Turkish President's Bodyguards Attacking Protesters In DC

Shocking Video Shows Turkish President's Bodyguards Attacking Protesters In DC Turkey's leader Recep Tayyip Erdogan visited Washington DC on Tuesday to meet with the Trump administration. But while Erdogan and Trump's meeting went smoothly, the visit took a nasty turn. May 17, 2017 at 08:20PM via Digg http://ift.tt/2pUL0...

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Did you hear about the new Swastika Fidget spinners?

They really help you concentrate!...

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Asians are sooo bad at driving....

I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident....

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My maths teacher never goes outside

I can tell, cos there's no sin of his tan...

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Glasses

"How much do you weigh?" "Precisely 75 kg when I'm wearing my glasses." "What about when you are not wearing your glasses?" "No idea. Can't see shit."...

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Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?

Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick....

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A prostitute? Awesome!!!

Irish Prostitute Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?' The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion,...

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A hillbilly was maried happily with his wife, untill one day he rushed into a divorce lawyer office.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and a nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It's made o' concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have a carport. I mean what are your relations like? All my relations still in Louisiana. Is there any infidelity in your marriage?...

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When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend

But then I saw the next two letters....

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My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me...

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My girlfriend’s parents are very religious…

The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive....

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Holiday rocks

Holidays in Amsterdam: have sex and get stoned. Holidays in Saudi Arabia: have sex and get stoned....

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A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff. The first was a Squadron Leader pilot from Air Force , and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about...

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My friends and I experimented with sex in high school...

I was the control group...

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Why will congress never impeach Trump?

Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term....

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What was Hitler's favourite video game?

Mein Kraft...

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Fast Sex

Dave wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else. One day Dave got so frustrated that he went to her and said "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!" Dave said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend...

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CEOs of Carsberg, Heineken, Becks and Guiness walk into a bar

CEO of Carlsberg orders a bottle of Carlsberg. CEO of Heineken orders a bottle of Heineken. CEO of Becks orders a bottle of Becks. CEO of Guiness orders diet coke with no ice. They turn around and ask him why he ordered coke. He responds " Nobody's drinking beer. Didn't want to be the only one "...

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A Story of Slavery in Modern America

A Story of Slavery in Modern America She lived with us for 56 years. She raised me and my siblings without pay. I was 11, a typical American kid, before I realized who she was. May 17, 2017 at 05:09AM via Digg http://ift.tt/2rmcr...

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George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview . . .

George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God. God asks Bush: “What do you believe in?” Bush replies: “I believe in a free economy, a strong America, the American nation and so on …” God is impressed by Bush and tells him: “Great, come sit on the chair on my right.” God goes to Obama and asks: “What do you believe in?” Obama replies: “I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. …” God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: “Well done, come sit on the chair on my left.” Finally, God asks...

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Mental Hospital

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly veered sideways and jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna immediately jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as Edna's good deeds indicated that she was mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said,...

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