He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist
Chủ Nhật, 30 tháng 9, 2018
Two good friends go golfing
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale. "Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!"
The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"
Elon Musk Forced To Step Down As Chairman Of Tesla, Remains CEO
Elon Musk Forced To Step Down As Chairman Of Tesla, Remains CEO
Elon Musk has reached a settlement with the Securities and Exchange Commission on the charges filed earlier this week over his abandoned attempt to take Tesla private.
September 30, 2018 at 04:38AM
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Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:
-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: - you should bring more bullets
A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turns to her and says,
"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replies.
"What a coincidence," she said.
Thứ Bảy, 29 tháng 9, 2018
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is.
Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.”
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.”
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!”
The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”
Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.
"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."
"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."
"That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church."
The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest.
After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”
Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers
"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.
They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Someone Mashed Up Brett Kavanaugh's Testimony With The Hamburger Scene From 'Pulp Fiction' And It's Perfect
Someone Mashed Up Brett Kavanaugh's Testimony With The Hamburger Scene From 'Pulp Fiction' And It's Perfect
Did you wish you could make Brett Kavanaugh shut up and show some respect during Thursday's Senate hearing? Let Samuel L. Jackson do it for you.
September 29, 2018 at 06:15AM
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A presidential aide says to Trump; "Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night."
"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested.
"Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets."
"Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited.
"Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet. They were also very proud and happy, particularly your wife."
Trembling with excitement and rubbing his hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking good?"
The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."
Thứ Sáu, 28 tháng 9, 2018
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant
A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave.
So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave
Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read:
Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.
Is it the first line or the punchline that goes here?
In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world.
He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being a fast gun in his day.
The young gunslinger took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, how fast are you?"
The young man drew his pistol pretty quick and before anyone knew it, then shoots the hat off of the piano player's head!"
The old man looks over at the piano player and says to the young man, "Well, that wasn't bad. But you're wearing your gun too high. You should have your holster lower on your leg so you can get to your gun quicker when you draw. And son, tie the holster down on your leg."
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt Peacemaker and shot the tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the young gunslinger. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yup," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me faster?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cuff link off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the young gunslinger. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it. Just but the gun in it, layer it with grease! "
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-time, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a faster gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Probably not!" said the old-timer, "But when Doc Holliday gets done playing that song on the piano, that grease will make it hurt less when he shoves that gun up your ass!"
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
The Little Crab
A fisherman was out trying to catch some fish when a tiny little crab scampered up into his boat. It was too small to take back, so he simply threw it overboard.
About ten minutes later, the same crab climbed up into his boat. The fisherman chuckled to himself and threw the crab out again.
As he was sailing home, who should climb up but the same crab. This time the fisherman was surprised, but he threw it back into the ocean all the same. Now that he was moving, there was certainly no way it would come back.
But sure enough, almost a half hour later the crab was back. As it climbed up into the boat, the fisherman finally slumped down and stared at the crab in shock.
“Wow,” thought the fisherman. “That little guy will do anything to get up boats.”
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for some condoms with insecticide
"I think you mean spermicidal," says the cashier.
"No", he says, "I need condoms with insecticide. My wife has a bug up her ass and I'm going in after it."
A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...
“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.
“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.
“Have you tried birth control?”
“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”
“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”
“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”
Confounded, the Dr. says bluntly, “well, have you tried not sleeping with your wife?”
“I did! And it STILL resulted in 3 kids!!”
I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.
I couldn't help thinking,
'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'
I had sex for 3 hours last night...
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...
They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched arms to his tip toes and was rewarded $520,000 for his creativity. The last general asked to be measured from his left testicle to his right testicle. "Are you sure about that?" the other two asked incredulously. "Yea. Last I remember my right one is still in 'Nam."
Thứ Năm, 27 tháng 9, 2018
I accidentally joined an organization...
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization.
When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman.
EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
My Grandfather warned people the Titanic would sink
No one listened.
But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
A black kid pulls the flour over his head.
A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, "Now what do you have to say about yourself?" The boy replies, "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!"
The Next Level Of Commitment: Revealing Our Money Secrets
The Next Level Of Commitment: Revealing Our Money Secrets
Vanessa Golenia contemplates the ins-and-outs of merging finances as the higher earner — and bigger spender — in her (heterosexual) relationship.
September 26, 2018 at 11:12PM
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Upon hearing that his elderly grandfather had just passed away, Dave went to visit his 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When he asked how his grandfather died, his grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Dave told his grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, dear," replied granny, "many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She then paused to wipe a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
Thứ Tư, 26 tháng 9, 2018
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
Just asked Siri....
"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.
She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added... "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."
"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you"
This Ultimate Frisbee Play Is Unbelievable
This Ultimate Frisbee Play Is Unbelievable
We don't normally bring you ultimate frisbee highlights, so you know when we post one that it's going to be something special.
September 26, 2018 at 02:03AM
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One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
Thứ Ba, 25 tháng 9, 2018
A guy with an unfortunate last name...(long format)
Joins the army. His last name has the odd distinction of having two z's at the start of it and since everything in the military is done alphabetically hes always the last guy in line.
One day their sergeant gets the entire company together for training:
"Alright! We're gonna have you all use dummy weapons and go out onto this course behind me, the objective is to be the last soldier standing!"
The company is then instructed to get into a line (alphabetically by last name) and proceed to three separate trucks to get their weapons. Naturally our hero is the last one to get gear and when he gets up there the sergeant shakes his head and says:
"Sorry son, we dont have enough rifles for all of you, so we've notified the rest of the company that when you walk up and yell 'bang bang bang!', they all know to drop like they've been hit."
Our hero shrugs and moves on. Same thing happens with grenades and knives; and he receives instructions similar to the first, 'boom boom boom' and 'knife knife knife' respectively. Now each time hes told to imitate shooting a rifle, throwing a grenade, and slashing knife along with the sounds.
He enters the field and takes out the first guy with his 'rifle', yelling 'bang bang bang!'. Sure enough the trooper falls. Next is the grenade, that works too. So does the knife, soon hes on his way to being the last one standing.
Eventually he finds a hill with a single soldier standing on it. He pretends to shoot him with the tried and true 'bang bang bang', but nothing happens. He tries the grenade, nothing. So he runs up and yells 'knife knife knife' and slashes at the guy.
The trooper turns, knocks our hero down and stomps over him before turning back and saying with a grin:
"Tank tank tank."
What is the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” - I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.
“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing” The 90 year old says. “I have it the worst!”“Can you pee?” The first man asks.“Certainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.”“Can you poop?” The second man asks.“Yes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.”“Then I don’t understand what the problem is!” The first man says.“Well, I wake up at 9!”
Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser
Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser. They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks!!"
To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"
And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!
They all looked at each other for a moment.
Then the first gal says, "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog"
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby...
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
God the engineer
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is.
The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move"
The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer."
The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
7-Year-Old Absolutely Crushes National Anthem At MLS Game
7-Year-Old Absolutely Crushes National Anthem At MLS Game
The LA Galaxy beat the Seattle Sounders 3-0 on Sunday night, but the real highlight came before the game started.
September 24, 2018 at 09:49PM
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Thứ Hai, 24 tháng 9, 2018
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
-
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
-
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer.
-
“Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
A dick has a sad life.
His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? "
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."
Alyssa Milano: I Was Sexually Assaulted As A Teen. Here's Why I Didn't Report
Alyssa Milano: I Was Sexually Assaulted As A Teen. Here's Why I Didn't Report
"It took me 30 years to tell anyone. And I'm far from alone."
September 24, 2018 at 06:00AM
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A little boy asked his mother one day...
"Mother, is god a man or a woman?"
Mother thought about it, all the debates and political correctness and works... And replied "both".
The boy went away in deep thoughts for a while and came back. "Mother, is god black or white?"
She thought of the history and racial politics and stuff and replied "both".
The boy again in deep thoughts went away for a while and came back. "Mother, is god gay or straight?"
She thought of that aspect and replied "both".
The little boy jumped with joy and exclaimed "I got it! I got it! It's Michael Jackson!"
Note - It's not my joke, only sharing.
Pickup Artists Are Still A Thing. And They Want You To Know They’ve Evolved
Pickup Artists Are Still A Thing. And They Want You To Know They’ve Evolved
In 2005, Neil Strauss's "The Game" changed how we date. Now "Mystery," the pickup artist featured in the book, is trying to disassociate from the toxic effects of the industry he helped launch. For more on the “manosphere,” watch the new BuzzFeed News series "Follow This" on Netflix.
September 23, 2018 at 11:00PM
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Chủ Nhật, 23 tháng 9, 2018
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party
Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years reunite at a party. After several drinks one of the men had to use the restroom those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”
The second guy said, “Darn, That’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to light school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet or his birthday.”
The third man said, “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.”
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”
The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a striper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame... what a disappointment.”
The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was three weeks ago, and he receive a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion…a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”
One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."
The husband says "Who is his father?"
The wife says "You are."
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter,
"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor
He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground.
The bartender bangs on the door and the guy's wife answers. "Here's your drunken bum of a husband," the bartender says
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ........
[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.
One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know that boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. And what's the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?"
Bob got a horrified look on his face.
She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?”
He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
"Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”
Bob replied, "I wasn't..."
Thứ Bảy, 22 tháng 9, 2018
A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.
When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree.
The couple accepts gladly the procedure.
The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's probably more pain that the father could ever bear.
But when the labor started, the husband was feeling okay and he asked the doctor to raise the level.
The doctor raised the transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling good. The former checked the blood pressure of the latter and he was surprised by how good he was reacting.
At this point, both decided to raise the transfer up to 50%. The husband was STILL feeling good.
Since the transfer of pain was really helping the wife, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The woman gave birth to a healthy child and virtually with no pain. She and her husband were really happy.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car.
A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car. A police officer, who was also a blonde, asked for the blondes license.
The blonde searches through her purse and gets more frustrated when she finally asks the officer "what does it look like?"
The officer says "it's a rectangle and it has your face on it".
Finally, the blonde takes out a small mirror and says "here you go". The officer looks at it and says "you can go, I didn't realise you were a cop".
The Strange Tale of the Most Obscure Joke a 90s Cartoon Ever Made
The Strange Tale of the Most Obscure Joke a 90s Cartoon Ever Made
It was also no secret that the creators of "Pinky and the Brain" loved to dig deep when it came to their inspirations. One reference in particular, though, may have baffled even the most well-versed kids.
September 21, 2018 at 11:01PM
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...
...then my illegal logging business is a success.
This repost has been brought to you by r/ModMurder for the means of a challenge
A farmer has triplets, and they're getting ready for prom night
. The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him.
The second date arrives, and greeted by shotgun, nervously states, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're gonna see a show, can she go?" The farmer thinks for a moment, then lets Flo go with Joe.
The night's third suitor rings the bell. He says "My name is Chuck-" and the farmer shoots him.
A blonde was getting pretty desperate for money.
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked.
"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.
"I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay her.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Thứ Sáu, 21 tháng 9, 2018
The difference between o and O
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says : "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday , the judge asks the first guy : "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well , your honor , I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful . How did you do it ?" "I used a diagram , your honor . I drew two circles like this : Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable ," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor , I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people.! How did you manage to do that?" "Well , I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this : oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said : 'This is your asshole before jail"...
A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.
However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.
Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.
"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who among you has the courage to claim your prize?" He announced.
The men all took one look at the terrifying creatures and backed away. No one wanted to lose their life.
Losing all hope, the king hung his head but that was when they all heard a big splash. And there, a man was swimming with all his might as he fended off the snapping jaws of deadly beasts. And miracle of miracles he made it to the other side with only a few scratches.
"Congratulations stranger!" The king said. "Step up and claim your reward!"
His beautiful daughter flashed him a smile but to everyone's shock the man merely shook his head.
"If its not my daughter then surely you must want my riches?"
Another head shake.
" Tell me your prize and if it is in my power, I shall give it to you."
"I only want to know one thing." The man said as he panted heavily.
"Who the hell pushed me?"
A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.
"Why son?" The dad asks. "Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."
A Good Man, And Thorough: The Genius Of 'The Big Lebowski'
A Good Man, And Thorough: The Genius Of 'The Big Lebowski'
It's been 20 years, and the Coen brothers' sly and hilarious homage to noir movies and detective novels hasn't aged one bit. But that's just, like, our opinion, man.
September 20, 2018 at 08:57PM
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Wife caught me cheating.
My wife ran out the room last night, she turned and screamed at me, 'And you know what? You've gone too far this time.....we're finished!! You're bankrupt and the way you wander round the streets so aimlessly, it's a suprise you don't one day end up in prison!'' But babe...' I said, taking a step forward. 'No, just go away oh, and don't even bother saying you love me because I saw you fucking cheating! 'You fucking cheat!' she screamed, a tear in her eye as she slammed the door. She'll be back, I thought. She always gets over emotional when we play Monopoly.
My wife crashed our car this morning.
When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.
The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.
Thứ Năm, 20 tháng 9, 2018
As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
Secretary walks into the President's room
Secretary: Mr.President, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble. Trump: Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels.
Help wanted: FBI Assassin
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
Coffee and blow...
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Forgetting to turn off the microphone, he then says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and blowjob."
All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run towards the COCKPIT to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says
"Don't forget the coffee."
An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....
The teller gives him $180.
The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"
The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"
Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"
NSFW - A woman is out playing golf one day
She swings and her ball goes flying and hits a man, who immediately grabs his crotch and falls to the ground, writhing in agony. The woman runs over and says "I'm a nurse, please let me help you!" and she reaches into his pants and starts massaging his penis. The nurse asks the man "how does that feel?" He responds "that feels great! But my thumb still hurts like hell though!"
Everything You Know About Obesity Is Wrong
Everything You Know About Obesity Is Wrong
For decades, the medical community has ignored mountains of evidence to wage a cruel and futile war on fat people, poisoning public perception and ruining millions of lives. It's time for a new paradigm.
September 19, 2018 at 07:47PM
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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer
"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.
The next day, again.
On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!"
The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
Edit: typo
Thứ Tư, 19 tháng 9, 2018
One day an elderly rich person is summoned by the IRS.
The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says the elderly guy. ‘How about a demonstration?’ The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘
The old guy says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’ The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’ The elderly guy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. The old guy then says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
The auditor can tell he isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. The elderly guy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with his attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. ‘Want to go double or nothing?’ the elderly person asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’ The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
The old guy stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But the elderly guy's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. ‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks. ‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when He told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it'
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger."
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”
“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”
“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”
“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?" The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask "Is this some kind of a joke?"
A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"
A hare responded "I kinda did..."
The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"
The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".
The deer fined the bear $500.
A few days later, the window got broken again, so the deer asked "Who broke the window!?"
A squirrel responded "I kinda did..."
The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"
The squirrel said: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".
The deer fined the bear $1000.
A few days later, the whole toilet got messed up - the fixtures smashed, the toilet broken and bloodied, the window broken, the door scratched, etc. So the deer asked "Who did all this!?"
The hedgehog replied "I kinda did...
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend
My wife’s still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
Thứ Ba, 18 tháng 9, 2018
A woman dies and her spirit goes to judgment
God tells her that she's not been very good but also not evil, so she can choose heaven or hell. She asks to become an angel in heaven of course.
An angel takes her on a tour of heaven. Behind a closed door she hear tortured screams. "What is that?", she asks. The angel replies "don't worry, they're just drilling holes in someones back to fit the wings in". They keep walking. Behind another closed door there are more screams. "Don't worry- they're just drilling a hole in the head to hold the halo".
The woman yells "If this is heaven, take me to hell!"
"But you'll be brutally raped there all day for eternity!" replies the angel.
Says the woman- "I already got holes for that!"
A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.
BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.
VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!
I found a wallet what do i do?
I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"
So I turned it into wine.
“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”
Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.
Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?
After Decades Of Silence, Soon-Yi Previn Speaks
After Decades Of Silence, Soon-Yi Previn Speaks
As controversies tumbled around her, the daughter of Mia Farrow and wife of Woody Allen stayed silent for decades. No more.
September 17, 2018 at 06:40PM
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African Lumberjack
An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.
"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.
The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.
"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." The foreman points out a much larger tree.
One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.
"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"
"In the Sahara Forest." Replied the lumberjack.
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" Asked the foreman.
"That's why I'm here."
Thứ Hai, 17 tháng 9, 2018
Gas
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"
One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!
This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.
The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”
“Aye, laddie,” the pirate says with a toothy grin.
“Wooow!!! I’ve never met a real pirate before! Ok, ok, how did you get your peg leg?”
“Yar, I was thrown overboard in the Caribbean and a shark bit off me leg.”
“Jeepers!” the young boy exclaimed. “That’s amazing!How did you get your hook?”
“Yar, I was fightin’ buccaneers what was tryin’ ta take me ship, and one of ‘em chopped off me hand ‘fore I sent ‘im ta Davey Jones’ locker.”
“Oooooohhhh that’s so cool!” the young boy said. “How did you get your eyepatch?”
“Yar...well...a seagull pooped in me eye.”
The boy’s enthusiasm turned to confusion. “How in the world did that make you lose your eye?”
“Well...it was the first day with me hook.”
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more.
The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine. I just quit drinking."
A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay
So some bloke rang him up and said “is it massive” Kevin replies “huge” Then the bloke says “how many feet” Kevin says “none its a snake you twat”
The Public Wants 100% Renewable Energy And Quick
The Public Wants 100% Renewable Energy And Quick
The industry is groping for ways to talk the public down.
September 17, 2018 at 01:45AM
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A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.
Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because she’s lying.” Her sister told me that she wants to use the $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail so they can be together for her birthday. I thought about it for a minute, then decided to go ahead & give her the $500. A few minutes ago, she called me from the local jail, crying about being arrested. She started screaming, asking, “Why did I give her counterfeit money?!" I replied: "So you & your man could be together for your birthday”
Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
He leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.
Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, and Joe sits down.
His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ...total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouts. 'I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!'
Chủ Nhật, 16 tháng 9, 2018
My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender
I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to over-population".
Selling Toothbrushes. Source: My Dad
(Long) One day a man was walking down the street when he sees a kid on the corner selling tooth brushes. The kid asks him, "Hey sir would you like to buy a toothbrush?" The man says, "I would except I already have one at home. I don't need one right now but do you want a tip to help you out?" and the kid says "Sure!" The man says, "Kid, if you want to be a successful salesman, you gotta come up with a twist. You need to do something to grab the customers attention." The kid responds, "Oh I get it!" and the man goes home for the night. The next day, the man goes by and sees the same kid. The kid asks, "Hey sir, do you want a free brownie?" and the man says, "Of course! Thank you!" He takes a bite and immediately spits it out. He says, "Hey! These taste like dogshit!" and the kid says, "That's because it is! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.
“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”
“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”
“Oh, that’s nothing” The 90 year old says. “I have it the worst!”
“Can you pee?” The first man asks.
“Certainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.”
“Can you poop?” The second man asks.
“Yes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.”
“Then I don’t understand what the problem is!” The first man says.
“Well, I wake up at 9!”
[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.
I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"
"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.
At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.
“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.
“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
“Yeah, yeah, I can’t complain.”
“And here in Russia, don’t you have job to work at?”
“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
“So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?”
“Because There I can complain!”
Peter Donat, 'The X-Files' Actor, Dies At 90
Peter Donat, 'The X-Files' Actor, Dies At 90
Peter Donat, who played Agent Fox Mulder’s father on "The X-Files" and acted in two Francis Ford Coppola films, died Monday at his home in Point Reyes, Calif. He was 90.
September 16, 2018 at 02:58AM
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”
The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”
The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”
The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.
The question arises: What separates man from the animals?
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."
"I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."
All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering.
"The Channel."
One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...
a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"
Driver replied: “Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be funeral driver for 25 years.”
A duck walks into a pub
and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"
"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you?
I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "What the ***k do they want with a plasterer?
Thứ Bảy, 15 tháng 9, 2018
A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”
Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais “Okay, okay. We were watching porn”
Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
Edit: Fixed grammar + tenses.
I have never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Paul Manafort Is Pleading Guilty And Cooperating With The Mueller Investigation
Paul Manafort Is Pleading Guilty And Cooperating With The Mueller Investigation
Former Trump campaign chair Paul Manafort has reached a plea deal that includes his agreement to cooperate with federal prosecutors, a dramatic reversal after he spent the past year fighting the charges filed by special counsel Robert Mueller's office at every turn.
September 14, 2018 at 10:39PM
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A blonde and a brunette are talking about their boyfriends’ dandruff problems
The brunette says, “my boyfriend used to have dandruff, but I gave him Head and Shoulders and it went away in a few days”
The blonde thinks for a minute and then replies, “how do you give shoulders?”
On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:
Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.
When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.
And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.
I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.
Kevin dies and goes to heaven...
He gets in line and sees Saint Peter asking everyone a question before they head past the pearly gates. As he's third in line, he overhears Peter ask the guy in front, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man looks down and replies, "Well, I did have two affairs". Peter nods and hands him car keys. "That's ok, son. Here's the keys to your Ford Focus". Next, Peter asks the guy second in line, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man sighs and exclaims, "Well...no. I cheated on my wife once. But I sincerely regret it!". Peter says, "I understand" and hands him a different set of keys. "Here's the keys to your BMW". The man grabs the keys and walks past the gates. Finally Kevin is up and Peter asks him the same question. "I sure was! 50 years of marriage and I was faithful for every one of them!", said Kevin excitedly. Peter smiles approvingly and says "Wonderful! Here's the keys to your Ferrari". Kevin cheers as he takes the keys and goes into heaven. One day, all three men are sitting at an intersection and the men in the Focus and BMW look over at Kevin crying profusely in his car. The guy in the Focus asks, "Why are you crying? You have the best ride in here". Kevin looks over and says, "I just passed my wife. She had a skateboard".
A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf
A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.
The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself, and then returns to his putt.
After the hole, the young guy says "I'm impressed with your show of respect for the deceased."
Old guy says "Well, we were married for 42 years... Least I could do."
The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.
"How is she?" I asked.
"Very critical," replied the officer.
"What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.
Thứ Sáu, 14 tháng 9, 2018
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.
Two construction workers are working on a street
The first worker turns to the second and says,
“ I don’t want to work anymore, I will act crazy so the manager sends me home early”.
He then proceeds to tie himself by the feet and swings around shouting,
“ Im a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”
Sure enough, the manager tells him to go home.
The second worker, seeing the success his friend had, decided to start packing up his things.
The manager asks, “What are you doing? The work isn’t finished yet!”
To which the second worker responds,
“How am I supposed to see without a lightbulb?”
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
Son asks his dad the meaning of the word gay
Dad, what does gay mean?
Well, it can mean two things. It can mean that a man is attracted to another man. Or it could mean happy.
Dad, are you gay?
No son, I'm married to your mother.
Disaster In The Alps
Disaster In The Alps
Thousands of people flock to the Alps each year to ski tour high-elevation routes, spending comfortable nights in a string of huts that serve wine and hot meals. This spring, a group of experienced skiers and their guide were trapped in a storm overnight on an exposed saddle. By morning, nearly all were dead or dying.
September 14, 2018 at 02:44AM
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I before E except after C
We feign agreeing, but this foreign poltergeist of a rule is neither efficient nor smart- and therein lies the height of the issue. It's as if an ancient deity has deigned to influence the zeitgeist of the people. We must remove the weight of this veil from their eyes, and forfeit the obeisance of this weird and heinous rule from our science and leisure alike.
I went to the doctors office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young, female, and drop-dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and il check it out."
I said, "My wife thinks by dick tastes funny".
Thứ Năm, 13 tháng 9, 2018
Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.
Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.
In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
“It was so embarrassing. I couldn’t get it up no matter how hard it tried.”
The second award shook his head. “ You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the fucking bed.”
Edit: Fuck you auto contact. I’m gonna leave it.
Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor
A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
A frog walks into a bank for a loan...
A frog walks into a bank for a loan and is greeted by the teller.
“Well goodness me! In all 30 years of working here I’ve never once seen a frog come in! How can I help you today?”
“Well ma’am, I’ve come in for a loan.”
“I see. I can definitely help you begin the process for that. Do you mind if I ask what exactly would a frog need a loan for, however?”
“Well, it’s not really any of your business ma’am, but it’s for this,” the frog says as he hands her a picture of a small, toy elephant.
“Huh, how peculiar. I’m not sure if we can approve a loan for something like that. Let me speak with my manager quickly and I’ll be right back with you. Can I have your name, please?”
“Kermit, ma’am.”
“Ah! Kermit! Like Kermit the Frog!”
“No ma’am. Kermit Jagger. My mother was a frog and my father was Mc Jagger.”
“I see. Well then, just hang tight and I’ll be right back.”
“Ma’am wait! I didn’t get your name!”
“Patty Whack,” the teller responds as she heads into the back office.
Patty walks into the office and begins recalling the series of events that just happened to her manager.
“You see, sir, it’s a frog who says he’s the son of Mc Jagger. We’ve never done business with a frog before. And to top it all off, he wants a loan for this,” she says as she shows the picture of the small, toy elephant to her manager. “What even is this... thing?”
Her boss responds, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a Rolling Stone.”
A sailor and a priest were playing golf.
The sailor too his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."
The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."
The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left. "I fucking missed again!"
The priest overheard and replied "Child, please don't use that language or God will punish you!"
The sailor finally made it on the green and lined up his putt. The ball was heading straight and true when a gopher popped out of a hole and stole the ball. The priest was amused, thinking God had punished the sailor for his filthy language. The sailor, bewildered, whispered "What the fuck?"
The priest lost it. "That's it! You ignore the small sign that God disapproves of your language! Now he'll most certainly punish you severely!" Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and struck the priest, killing him.
In the distance a deep voice boomed, "FUCK, I missed!"
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?
Me: Er... read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh
A piece of string walks into a bar
The bar tender says “sorry we don’t serve you kind round here”
The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and walks back into the bar,
The bartender says “sorry aren’t you the same guy from before”
The string replies “I’m a frayed knot”
Thứ Tư, 12 tháng 9, 2018
Worms
Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.
Do you have a vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow so I can be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.
A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.
While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.
The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”
A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.
He replies, “They had avocados.”
Donald Trump Is So Pumped For 9/11
Donald Trump Is So Pumped For 9/11
Today is the 17th anniversary of the September 11 attacks, an occasion of sadness for most Americans — but not for President Donald Trump.
September 11, 2018 at 11:10PM
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A farmer buys a new rooster to replace his old rooster
The new cocky rooster arrives and proclaims "stand aside old man, you're done! I'm in charge here".
The old rooster replies, "I may be done, but the rule here is; whoever wins a race around this farm is the one who will be in charge"!
The young rooster agrees knowing he will win easily.
"But, seeing as I am so old, I get a head start" says the old rooster.
The youngster, still knowing he will win, again agrees.
On the count of 3 the race starts, the old rooster 10 meters ahead.
The old rooster starts well, but the young one starts to close the gap around half way.
It is coming to the end of the race, and just as the young rooster catches the old one,
BANG!!
The farmer shoots the young rooster stone dead.
"That's the fourth gay rooster i'v bought this month!!"
Doctor, how can I live 100 years?
Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?
Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?
Man: Nope
Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?
Thứ Ba, 11 tháng 9, 2018
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead goes to heaven.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead goes to heaven. At the entrance to heaven ,they meet God. "You have to climb a hundred steps to get to heaven, and at each step I'm going to tell you a joke."He said. "But if any of you laugh, you are going straight to hell." The blonde, the brunette and the redhead begin to climb. On the 24th step, unable to help herself, the brunette laughs and goes to hell. On the 60th step, the redhead laughs at the joke, and goes to hell as well. On the 99th step, just as God was about to say another joke, the blonde burst out laughing. Confused, God looks at her and says,"but I didn't even say anything." The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke."
A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke
A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.
The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.
Horse: “Thanks. How much?”
Bartender: “T... ten... d... dollars”
The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.
Bartender: “Sorry but... it’s the very first time a talking horse comes into my bar”
Horse: “First and last. TEN DOLLARS A FUCKING COKE?”
Serena Williams' Claims Of Sexism Backed By WTA
Serena Williams' Claims Of Sexism Backed By WTA
WTA chief executive Steve Simon said the umpire showed Williams a different level of tolerance over Saturday's outbursts than if she had been a man.
September 10, 2018 at 06:45PM
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