Easy.
Batman doesn't want to get shot....
Chủ Nhật, 30 tháng 6, 2019
An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
Love,
Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram:
‘For Heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up the plot. That’s where I buried the GUNS!!’
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns....
A man goes to join an order of monks.
A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds...
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."...
A man dies and goes to Hell...
Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.
One day, the man comes up with his darkest, most ingenious torture ever. However, it requires removing all light from Hell. He goes over his idea with one of the demons.
"I like it, I like it!" says the Demon. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more...
California Was Warned 30 Years Ago About Climate Change. Now It's Feeling The Effects
California Was Warned 30 Years Ago About Climate Change. Now It's Feeling The Effects
A report issued in 1989 warned that California would see more droughts, floods, and fires under climate change.
June 29, 2019 at 11:00PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2FHYt...
When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie
We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.
My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.
Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.
Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird like that. I, being a countryside kid, liked horses and riding them.
Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you".
They meant it, they'd done it before.
Few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some...
Thứ Bảy, 29 tháng 6, 2019
A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.
As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"
And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"...
A man walks up to a woman in a bar and puts down a lime next to her.
Woman: What’s this?
Man: It’s a lime.
Woman: Would you mind moving it somewhere else?
The man says, “No problem.” But then seems to have real difficulty in lifting it from the table.
Woman: Is everything ok?
Man: It seems like I’m terrible at pick up limes....
Spot
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved...
Three disabled stranded men
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools...
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.
The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave....
Mother in law dies
A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
The mother-in-law dies.
So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150.
“We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”
The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that ch...
A guy is talking to a girl
A guy is talking to a girl :
"Everytime I see your smile, I want to take you to my place"
"Oh ! You think I'm pretty ?"
"No, I'm a dentist."...
Thứ Sáu, 28 tháng 6, 2019
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house..
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him and ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out.
“Mailman stopped by.” Timmy says.
“The Andersons are getting new furniture” he calls out.
“Jacob got a new bike”
“Oh look. Kevin’s parents are having sex.” Timmy says.
The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “how do you know they’re having sex?”
Timmy replies “he’s...
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers"
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man."
"No," he replied, "I'm just a...
The teacher walked into the classroom
and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did manage to spell it correctly. "Wow!" she said. "Well done. That's quite a mouthful!" The kid replies, "No, you're thinking of a blowjob!"...
Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...
Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".
Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"
The man, puzzled says, "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
Johnny walks on without response and the old timer continues on the porch. An hour passes and the old man sees little Johnny proudly marching back with a wagon of ducks.
The next day the old man is sitting on the porch and along...
Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said...
Wayne Rooney Is Still Too Good For The MLS, Scores From Across Midfield
Wayne Rooney Is Still Too Good For The MLS, Scores From Across Midfield
The former Premier League star still has a lot of power in his right leg.
June 28, 2019 at 03:33AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2RA1x...
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."...
A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest..
"I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't...
Thứ Năm, 27 tháng 6, 2019
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:
Hamburger - 2.99
Cheeseburger - 3.99
Chicken Sandwich - 4.99
Hand Jobs - 19.99
The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile.
The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger...
I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.
However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus:
I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which I drank.
Then I pulled the cork from the second bottle, poured the contents in the sink, except for one glass, which I drank.
Then I pulled the cork off the third bottle, poured one glass, except for the content, which I drank.
Then i pulled the cork out...
A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...
...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.
They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reached to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.
At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, when all of a sudden the pea...
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."
I said: “Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"...
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.”
The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!”
Mom: “Exactly.”...
In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...
The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:
"Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need. How should I lead it to greater prosperity?"
The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin. He steps forward, and says to Putin:
"Here are the two things that...
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike
I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle....
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calles emergency services and says
"I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"
"Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?"
"I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."...
An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...
A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”
The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.
“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”
The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...
A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice...
“Bajaysus that’s right” said the father, “I am farty two!”...
A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.
"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.
"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.
Still showing reservations, the woman asks, "What about the child's education?"
"Not to worry," the couple assure her. "We have a full time tutor with years of experience that can provide our child with the finest education that money can buy."
"I see," says the woman behind the desk. "But what about...
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick."
As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!"
and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope...
Thứ Tư, 26 tháng 6, 2019
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few...
First visit to America as German guy!
I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"
I shouted back "DANKE!"...
A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?"
"Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you want. Well, today I did it, and they fired me because of it".
The wife hurried over to check what damage he caused. "Well it all looks fine, doesn't seem like you hurt yourself. But what happened to the pickle slicer?"
The man replied: "they fired her to...
Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.
They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.
"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her.
The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued, "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our children in, contains magnesium...
A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.
He found love, got married and had a son.
The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.
Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.
After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young anymore, it seems like an impossible task for him alone.
He writes to his son: "My dear son, after your mother's death, I am finally ready to move on. I'd like to bring our old garden to new life. Unfortunately,...
I Went To Australia To Test Out Tesla’s Vision Of The Future
I Went To Australia To Test Out Tesla’s Vision Of The Future
Elon Musk and his fans may love sports cars, but the company's biggest contribution may be reassuringly boring.
June 25, 2019 at 11:28PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2Ncn2...
After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”
“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!”
“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”...
The tough CEO
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come...
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...
A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The waiter asks him what he wants, and the Elk hesitates for a second.
"Locomotive."
The waiter is puzzled. "What?"
"Land Rover."
"Sir, that's not on the menu."
"Lake Michigan."
The waiter is unsure what to say. Frustrated, the Elk brings his leg up on the...
I asked my husband if I'm the only one he's been with.
He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
EDIT: reposted from an ig publication that was a twitter repost. stop touching my balls TY....
Thứ Ba, 25 tháng 6, 2019
A bee keeper walks into a pet store
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident.
He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.”
The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"...
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!"
A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!"
Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash!
The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?”...
Two windmills are in a field.
One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?"
The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"...
Three drunk guys walk into a brothel...
The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her...
A wife is clearing out her closet
And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop”
The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes”
And the husband says “darling if they can fit in your clothes they aren’t starving”...
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight...
My wife is amazing
She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!...
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."...
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."
Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.
The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."
Poof! The redhead gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."...
Yesterday I met my friend from Slovakia.
He had just opened up a trampoline park near the border there, yet he seemed saddened by something when I walked in. He looked up at me with tired eyes so I asked him what was wrong:
‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. ‘There are many people here, surely business is doing well?’
He replied with a heavy sigh, ‘The ceilings here are too low and the young local people from around here can jump so high that they keep hitting the ceiling! What on earth am I supposed to do and what happens if the roof cracks!?’
The answer seemed simple to me, ‘Surely with...
Thứ Hai, 24 tháng 6, 2019
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."
One friend further asked, ‘But your wife is also slim and energetic?’
Grandpa said,...
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth...
Pussy and Bitch
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says, "Tell me."
He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand.
She asks him what they are?
He says, "Well, pussy and bitch."
She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement.
He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact...
Chinese is a tonal language...
The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use.
This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations.
Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother....
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 10th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw...
My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley
I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”...
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop...
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put...
A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest,
“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.”
The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?”
The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.”
The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?”
The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”...
3 blondes are lost in the desert
They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.
Luckily, a fakir just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."
The first blonde wished she was an excellent swimmer. And with a snap of the fakir's fingers, her physique changed. She ran off and tried to cross the river, but the crocodiles ate her quickly.
The second blonde had to rethink, and decided to ask for a rowing boat, as swimming proved to be no option.
Without...
Chủ Nhật, 23 tháng 6, 2019
(In bad taste)
As I lay in bed after sex I said,
"Am I a terrible husband? A terrible father?"
"Both," replied my daughter....
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."...
The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...
(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)
The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...
"Daddy, what does ass mean?"
"It means... beard."
Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard...
"Big sis, what does shit mean?"
"It means... coat."
In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and...
These Lions Are Nonplussed By This Zoo's Lion Escape Drill
These Lions Are Nonplussed By This Zoo's Lion Escape Drill
A zoo in Japan conducted a lion escape drill with one of their employees wearing a furry costume.
June 23, 2019 at 12:27AM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2Y2fM...
A Nun is very distraught...
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the...
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.
To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks.
The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it.
"You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed.
The older man shrugged...
Thứ Bảy, 22 tháng 6, 2019
Dildo!
A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
Salesman answers, "$35."
Blonde: "How much for the black one?"
Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
Salesman: "$35."
Black Woman: "How much for the white one?"
Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
Black Woman: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the...
When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!...
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it.
“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?”
“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.
The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw...
A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....
The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.
Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.
Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.
The Church Denied all Responsibility!!!
So, the judge commented,
"It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"...
There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..
Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.
Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they would signal over to the merchant vessel, offering to repair the damage to their ship for but a small fee. Having barely survived the storm and taking in more water than they could bail, the...
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....
The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.
The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.
Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"
The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”...
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.
The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.
“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”
He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.”
The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!”
All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky.
The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million...
A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.
It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil...
Ranking Sugars By How (Un)healthy They Are
Ranking Sugars By How (Un)healthy They Are
White Sugar? Honey? Agave? Which is least likely to turn me into a hyperactive, diabetic maniac spiraling toward sugar-induced violent crime?
June 21, 2019 at 10:31PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2N1lQ...
Thứ Sáu, 21 tháng 6, 2019
While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.
Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a ...........
A man walks into a bar in Vegas.
He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you five to one this here bird can speak Spanish."
The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it."
So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?"
The bird is silent as a stone.
"Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?"
The...
A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with
After the question, the woman doesn't respond.
The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?"
His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the roof.
The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other..."
Still silence from his wife.
The man, giving up, says "It's OK. Please don't be upset."
Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the...
Bros Vs. Hoes.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there....
My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”
“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”
The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.
The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?”
The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on...
This Father Of Three Put Everything Into Bitcoin. Here’s What Happened Next.
This Father Of Three Put Everything Into Bitcoin. Here’s What Happened Next.
The Bitcoin Family are traveling the world, unencumbered by centralized currency.
June 21, 2019 at 02:16AM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2Rr6q...
I once dated a girl with a twin..
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and bob had a cock...
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong
One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong
One boy asks “are farts lumpy?”
The teacher says no,
He says “then I definitely shit my pants”...
Thứ Năm, 20 tháng 6, 2019
John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their...
An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.
I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night.
I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”...
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher,...
A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.
As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.
One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a beautiful girl. He pulls her from the wreck, gives her food and water, and dresses her wounds.
Very grateful, she steps up close and whispers in his ear "I will do anything for you for saving my life, anything. Just name it".
"For the love of god, can you hold this...
A woman goes to see her therapist...
The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?"
"I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman.
The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?"
The woman begins to scream.
"Oh, I see..."
The woman screams even louder....
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment;...
A guy walking on the beach finds a girl with no arms or legs... (NSFW)
He walks up and sees that she is crying, so he asks "hey why are you crying? Is everything okay?" Laying there in the sand she sobbingly says "I have no arms or legs. No one has found me attractive my entire life and I've never been kissed before." So this guy, being a nice guy decides "I'll help her out" and kisses her. But the crying doesnt end there. He asks again "hey, hey, what's wrong?" "All my life I've lived like this and I've never been fingered before" The guy was taken back, but with a sigh and a moment of thought he decides "I'll do...
How Graffiti Became Gentrified
How Graffiti Became Gentrified
Two decades after Rudy Giuliani tried to rid New York City of graffiti, the art form is flourishing — with unexpected consequences.
June 19, 2019 at 08:26PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2Fnzg...
A little old lady...
...was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see,...
A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.
"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her.
She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?"
I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere"....
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy...
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other
The Pope raised his hand and showed...
The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against...
Thứ Tư, 19 tháng 6, 2019
The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The Police woman said "It's square and has your picture on it"
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the Police woman. "Here it is" she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then...
My dad was a WWII veteran.
During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis.
Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had....
[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history
It’s full of s&m porn.
Mom says: well what are we going to do?
Dad says: what do you mean?
Mom says: well.. we can’t spank him....
A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”
“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”
“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”
“If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?”
“Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.”
“If I died and you remarried, and she lived...
How The Quality Of Tesla Cars Improved So Fast, And Why That Matters
How The Quality Of Tesla Cars Improved So Fast, And Why That Matters
Excellent fit and finish also requires leadership focus and will, something that Tesla clearly has.
June 18, 2019 at 10:33PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/31yLM...
Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.
They fuck you once a month for 25 years,
they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,
and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement....
So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup"
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss...".
"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go", the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head,...
A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."
So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"
And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear."
"Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the...
One day a guy dies...
...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.
Devil: Why are you so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays....
Thứ Ba, 18 tháng 6, 2019
A black hole walks into a bar
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.
The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."...
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator...
A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar...
...and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender...
My brother didn't like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again....
The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work
"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."
"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.
"Now, I want you to take off my bra."
"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it carelessly to the side.
"And Jeeves, remove my panties."
"Yes ma'am!" replies the butler as he slides the black silk thong onto the floor.
"Now Jeeves," says the woman, "the next time I catch you wearing my clothes you're fired!"...
So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re
Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation. The wife understands and cooks the fish. The next day they are eating the fish and the priest asks “can someone pass me the dam fish” on which the priests son replies “that’s the spirit dad can someone pass me the fucking fries”...
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You...". He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to...
Thứ Hai, 17 tháng 6, 2019
Two young lads break into a distillery...
One boy says to the other, “is this whiskey?”
The other boy replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as wobbin a bank.”...
Last night I was out for a few drinks.
One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.
Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from....
Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]
A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him
P - What sins have you done, son?
S - I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her
P - That's a big sin but I'll forgive you, son
S - Thank you father but i have sinned another time, i went to my mother in law to send her something and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated...
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They...
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.”
The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood. “You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I sucked everybody’s blood dry!”
The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later, his whole face and shirt...
Watch Boxer Tyson Fury Dodge A Barrage Of Punches, En Route To Retaining His Lineal Heavyweight Title
Watch Boxer Tyson Fury Dodge A Barrage Of Punches, En Route To Retaining His Lineal Heavyweight Title
This slow-mo footage of Fury masterfully evading punches, thrown at him with precision, belongs in a museum. He eventually did win the match and retained his title.
June 17, 2019 at 05:00AM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2Imou...
#2537: Do you have a vagina?
A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.
Man: Do you have a vagina?
Woman slams the door in disgust
The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina?
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again".
The next day there is a...
Chủ Nhật, 16 tháng 6, 2019
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"...
Little billy goes to a whorehouse
Madame: little Billy, get out of here! You're too young and you can't afford my girls.
Little Billy pulls a huge wad of cash out of his pocket.
Billy: I've been saving my allowance all year, and I've got my pubes. I want to bang a whore.
Madame: well, okay. You can have any girl in the house except Sandy.
Billy: Why can't I have Sandy?
Madame: You don't want Sandy! She's got the herpesyphigonalaids! It's the worst VD ever! You don't want that little Billy.
Billy: Yes I do! That's what i want! I want the herpesyphigonalaids.
Madame: why little...
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."...
I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)
Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.
So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind.
Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain.
"That was great, but how'd you know...
A man steps into a bar and orders a beer. "o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please."
The Bartender responds "Hey buddy. I used to stutter all the time too, but it stopped right after my wife gave me a blowjob. I suggest you try the same."
After the man hears this, he quickly drinks his beer and leaves. The next day the man comes to the bar again. "o-o-o-one b-beer p-p-please."
The bartender chuckles "My suggestion didn't work, did it?"
The man responds "n-n-no b-b-but y-you h-have a n-n-nice h-h-house."...
Thứ Bảy, 15 tháng 6, 2019
Doctor: "Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright."
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike."
Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."...
A cabbie picks up a nun.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''
''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''
She responds, ''Well, let's see what...
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