A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet person laying there.

"Hey, buddy!" The guy sat up and looked as wet and cold as he was drunk. "Hey fella, get outta the rain and on the bus."

"I can't", mumbled the drunk, "I don't haff any money."

"Nevermind that, get on the bus", said the driver kindly. So the drunk staggers up the steps and plonks down in the seat across from the driver. He looked so bedraggled and sad that the driver wanted to make him feel at least a little bit happier.

So he says to the drunk, "Hey, buddy, hey watch this!"

He stops the bus and a sour-looking older woman gets on, shaking her umbrella. She deposits her fare, and as she goes past the driver, he says, "Tickle your c#nt with a feather?"

The woman wheels around, "What did you say?!!"

The driver answers, "Typical country weather....Don't you agree?"

The woman is red-faced and embarrassed at what she thought she heard and mumbles yes, she agrees and sits herself well down the back.

The drunk is smiling a bit, so the driver knows its having a positive effect. "Watch this one", he says.

Sure enough, at the next stop another woman gets on. She looks like she's never cracked a smile in her life. As she drops in her fare and starts to move past the driver, he mumbles, "Tickle your snatch with a feather?"

The woman gasps and says,"I beg your pardon?!!"

To which the driver answers, "I said typical nasty weather."

The woman is completely shaken and apologises and agrees, yes the weather is atrocious. Then hurries to her seat.

Now the drunk is chuckling quite freely.

The driver leans over and says to the drunk, "Why don't you do the next one?"

The drunk shakes his head, "No, I'm too dr-dr-drunk." "Nah", says the driver, "you do this one."

So as the bus stops, the drunk pulls himself up straight in the seat, smooths his clothes out and stares straight ahead. His face is a study in concentration. As the lady pays her fare and begins to pass by the drunk, he says in a clear, strong voice, "SCRATCH YER C#NT WITH A STICK?"

The woman, absolutely shocked, turns to the drunk and says, "WHAT did you say to me?!!"

"F#ckin' cold, eh?!"