Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints." The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons." The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"...

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Why did Steve Jobs die?

Because Apple kept the doctors away....

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON....

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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!"...

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A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest. “No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”...

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I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN...

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Daughters vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he...

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What's the difference between a religion and a cult?

In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it is all bullshit. In a religion that person is dead....

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Someone stole my mood ring :(

I don’t know how I feel about that...

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A priest, a doctor and an engineer went golfing

They were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always...

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I think my dad might be gay.

Just not sure which one....

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Why are Americans bad at math?

Because the kids who skipped school survived...

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A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.” The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”...

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A hiker in Scotland stops to drink from a stream.

Just as he is lifting his hand to his mouth a passing shepherd yells out "Dinnae drink frae that, mister, it's all full o' coo piss an' shite!" The hiker turns and in cut-glass accents replies "My good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?" And the shepherd says, "I'm so sorry, sir, I was saying that you should cup your two hands together if you want to get a proper drink!"...

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What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

An electron. I'll see myself out now...

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Anyone need a slutty costume for Halloween?

Just dress up as one of my professors, they barely cover anything...

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Why don't people in Athens wake up early?

Because dawn is tough on Greece...

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I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something....

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart. For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman...

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I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs....

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Your duck is dead.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around...

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Scientists annoy me, they’re always going on about Boyle’s Law and Archimedes’ Law.

One came up to me and said: “If you had an apple which experiences no net force, then its velocity is constant: the apple is either at rest, or it moves in a straight line with constant speed – Newton’s Law” So I said “Here’s one for you: If you have an apple, a carrot, a cabbage, mayonnaise and mix them all up together, it tastes really nice. – Coles Law.”...

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Funny when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud...

But when a girl sleeps with a tons of guys, somehow I am not one of them...

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I broke my finger last week,

On the other hand, I’m okay...

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If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people.

He's a terrible doctor....

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An old man wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Jack, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Jack, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Dad" A few days later, he received a letter from his son. "Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden! That's where the bodies are buried. Love Jack" At 4 am next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They...

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Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my Jeep. Sergeant:...

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"$50 is $50!"

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50...

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After taking a huge dump I grabbed the roll, took off a piece and wiped my ass with it.

And that’s how I got banned from the bakery....

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A little kid goes to his dad and asks "Dad, what's the difference between theory and reality?"

The dad replies "Well, let me explain using an example. Go to your sister and ask her if she'll have sex with the Kyle, the kid next door, for fifty thousand dollars." The boy goes to his teenage sister and asks. The sister thinks and says "Yeah, I think I would." The boy tells his dad about his sister's answer. The dad says "Okay, now go ask your mother if she'd have sex with Kyle's dad for fifty thousand dollars." The boy asks his mother. His mom says "Y'know, I think I would." The boy tells his dad the answer. So the dad says "Well, let's put...

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Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...

His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother". Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"...

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A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."   The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."...

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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys....

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"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"

A man walks up to a woman at a bar and breaks the ice with: "Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?" She ponders for a moment and answers: "Hmm, yeah, I would." "Would you sleep with me for $5?" "What do you think I am, a prostitute?" "I thought we already established that and were now haggling the price."...

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy...

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On the one hand, I don't masturbate often.

On the other hand, I do....

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What I if told you

You read the title wrong...

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How did the doctor cure the invisible man?

He took him to the ICU...

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I got a handjob from a blind girl the other day...

She told me it was the biggest she'd ever had. I said, "Aww, you're just pulling my leg."...

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Just read a book about Stockholm syndrome

It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it....

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I was walking down the street with a friend and we saw two blind guys fighting

We got closer and I said "My bet is on the one with the knife." They both ran...

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A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people. One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached. "Ah," he said, "that's my altar ego."...

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How are women's buttholes and 9 volt batteries alike?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you'll put your tounge on it....

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Why is Jesus Christ in such great shape?

He does Crossfit....

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I called a dwarf by the wrong name.

He wasn't Happy....

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If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on.

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"...

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Hookers don't fart

They prosti-toot...

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"...

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I recline my chair,

Aaaahhh... That takes me back....

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How does a Redneck find his sister in the woods?

Attractive....

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed an unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the...

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Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environment protection are Greta....

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Rubbing It...

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word...

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Why the head of the penis is larger than the shaft.

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million,...

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What’s the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and Diarrhea. Your running, but can’t remember where....

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I was sitting on the toilet and having a poop when the clock struck midnight.

Same shit, different day....

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I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay....

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Little Johnny has issues at school [Long] NSFW

Little Johnny: Dad my math teacher has called you to school Dad: and why’s that ? Little Johnny : he asked what’s 6x9 and I said 54. He then asked what’s 9x6... Dad: isn’t that the same fucking question again? Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !?! Next day Little Johnny: Dad did you go to see my teacher? Dad : No Little Johnny: Don’t bother. You’ll need to see the principal now. Dad: what now ?!? Little Johnny: the PE teacher asked me to lift my left arm first, then my right arm, then my left foot and then my right foot ! Dad: what the...

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A woman is bathing her 7 year old son, the kid looks at his wrinkled ballsack and asks...

Mom, is this my brain? The mother replies: not yet son, not yet......

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A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller. Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,- Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan. Blonde: How about my car? It is right in front of the bank entrance. The teller takes a look through the glass door: Very well, this car is valuable enough. The blonde and the teller exchange keys and loan. After that, the blonde walks off with her trolleys and gets to her airplane. Two...

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Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous....

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Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long...

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A drunk guy walks into a bar...

He says: "Bartender, Pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill." The bartender does just that and hands him the bill. The drunk goes: "Oh I don't have enough money" The bartender slaps him a few times and tosses him out. The next day the same guy walks into the bar, drunk again. He says: Bartender, Pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill." The bartender thinks that no-one would be stupid enough to pull that trick twice, so he gives the drunk the benefit of the doubt and pours everyone...

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Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in...

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Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same roles.

You know what they say about old habits....

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I ate the exam paper

Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test...

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I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here....

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What’s the difference between the president of Ukraine, and the president of the United States?

The president of Ukraine is a comedian, the president of the United States is a joke....

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A pack of geese is a gaggle

But a pack of camels is why my dad never came back...

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Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You’ll get jurasskicked...

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My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel....

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What do jokes and U.S. Presidents have in common?

This one fucking sucks....

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Young Jimmy catches a priest masturbating

And asks "What are you doing father?", "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing it soon." "Why father?" Jimmy asked. "Because my wrist is killing me"...

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[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter....

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A blond man.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone. "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" Asked the doctor. "No. This is her husband."...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender!...

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties *holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys...

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A lady buys a parrot from a pet store

The employee tells her the parrot has been living in a brothel (whorehouse) for a big part of his life. He learned some naughty words there, but he advised her to put a blanket on the parrot's cage for about 3 weeks, the parrot will soon forget the dirty talk. The employee even promised the woman a money back guarantee when she wouldn't be satisfied with the purchase. The lady decides to purchase the parrot and brings him back home. As soon as she gets home she puts the blanket over the parrot's cage, after 3 weeks it's time to take the blanket...

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A soldier ran up to a nun

Out of breath he asked, "Please, can I hide under your skirt. I will explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher,...

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I'm looking to sell my Delorean. Good shape, low mileage...

Only driven from time to time....

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A kid asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs...

The mother says "It's because you are so naughty." The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"...

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Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can't even....

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Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?" Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."...

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Hagrid: "You're a unit of power Harry!"

Harry: "I'm a watt?"...

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Genie: You have 3 wishes

...but no wish for more wishes, more genies, or more lamps, ha! Me (being a smartass): I wish you were reaaaaally bad at counting. Genie: Sure boy, you have zero wishes left....

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Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”...

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Bro, you want this pamphlet?

Brochure...

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A wise man once said “it’s better to say nothing at all”

An even wiser man didn’t say that...

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Stop vs slow down

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he's smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from the one and only London and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense. Irish cop says,"License and registration, please." London Lawyer says, "What for?" Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae...

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There was once an old trapper drinking in a tavern.

He didn't have much money, so he loudly made a bet to every one in the room,"Blind fold me and bring me any pelt! I'll tell you what animal it was and how you killed it! If I'm right, you buy me a drink. If I'm wrong, drinks on me!" The first taker stepped up to the bar. "Alright, old man. I'll take your bet." Blindfolded, the old trapper feels the pelt. "Otter... killed with bow." The taker laughs and buys the old man a drink. More followed "White tail deer, killed by musket! Squirrel, by snare!" It wasn't long until every trapper and hunter...

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After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming....

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Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes

Me: I wish for a world without lawyers Genie: Done, you have no more wishes Me: But you said 3! Genie: Sue me...

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Just married!!

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can’t wear your pants," she said. "That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his...

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What do you call a girl who don’t suck dick?

A cab....

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How do snails fight?

They slug it out....

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What do you call a soldier who is nervous in battle and wields a long weapon?

Shakespeare...

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Donald Trump was asked what the J stood for in Donald J Trump

He said "Genius"...

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A man screams at his tv: “You fucking idiot don’t walk into that church!!”

His wife comes Into the room and asks him what his watching. The man responds: “Our wedding tape”...

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Next time your wife is angry, drape a towel over her shoulders....

... and say, now you're super angry. Maybe she laughs. Maybe you die....

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I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains....

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I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159

Then it just CLIX....

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A man walks into a bar. Slams his hand on the bar and screams "All lawyers are assholes!"....

Angrily, another patron gets up and yells back "Watch your mouth! That is offensive to me!" The first man responds and laughs "Are you upset because I called you an asshole???!!!" The angry patron says "No! I'm offended you compared me to a lawyer!"...

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Men are sexy

women are sexx...

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Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison?

Cause you know he is actually guilty....

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A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes. After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS! The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk. So the blonde heads out to the swamp absolutely determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day the shopkeeper drives by and noticed the Young lady waist deep in water with a shotgun in her hands. He stops and watches as a very large alligator swims right at her. With...

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An Irishman went into the confessional.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to...

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We'll we'll we'll,

if it isn't autocorrect...

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As I am getting older, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way..

and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me....

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What do you call a disabled paedophile?

A creepy crawly....

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My father told me not to make fun of people doing art or gender studied at University

They might spit in my macdonalds fries in the future....

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My wife got angry at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator...

But now it's all just water under the fridge...

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to it’s tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub. The next evening I thought I’d give it another try so I went to it’s tank again and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on...

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It's very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does no one is shocked...

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My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry,

I'll return....

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I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.”

Which might explain why his marriage failed....

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a man takes a day off work to go golfing

He’s ready to tee off when he hears a frog, “ribbit, 9 iron” The man is confused, but the frog speaks again, “ribbit, 9 iron” To prove the frog wrong, the man pulls out his 9 iron and swings at the ball. Hole in one. The man bends down and says “you must be a lucky frog” The frog replies, “ribbit, lucky frog” The man takes the frog to the next hole and the frog goes, “ribbit, 3 wood” The man pulls out a three wood and swings. Hole in one. “Wow you really are a lucky frog, what’s next?” the man asks. “Ribbit, Vegas.” So the man takes the frog to...

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While I was shopping, I saw an ad in a window. It said, “Television for $1, volume stuck on full.”

There’s no way I can turn that down....

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What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose....

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When a fetus is hungry, what does it do?

It orders womb service....

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What are you going to do in the weekend?

"I'm going to buy glasses." "And then what?" "Then I'll see."...

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If I had a penny for every racist thing I said..

Some black motherfucker would have robbed me...

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Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea....

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1. Go to Google. 2. Type "Top 50 women on internet" 3. Click on the first link. 4. Look at number seven.

Hit the upvote when you got it. :D ...

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I just got in trouble from my parents for yelling "What the duck!"

They told me I'm not to use fowl language...

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A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!" "Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?" "My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child. "Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you Paddy?" "Well, our neighbour was painting his fence with a toothbrush." said Paddy. "Dad says it's going to take the contagious!"...

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I asked my doll if it was possessed

I'm glad it said no...

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A little boy was walking on the road eating a chocolate.

A man came over and said, "Son, eating chocolates is bad for your health." The boy replied, "Do you know, my Grandpa lived to be 105 years old." "By eating chocolates?" The man asked. "No, by minding his own business." He replied....

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My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…...

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"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am....

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How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles...

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A human fart can be louder than a trombone.

I recently discovered at my daughters school concert....

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r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time! https://discord.gg/jokes...

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"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub....

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Life after death does exist!

Just not for the person that died....

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A neckbeard goes to Africa. What does he get?

M’laria...

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A man goes to a job interview

A man goes to a job interview and presents himself well. The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is."Wow! You have an amazing resume and you present yourself fantastically but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" Asked an interviewer."Oh thats when I went to yale" says the man and the interviewers are even more impressed and offer him a job on the spot. The man shows his gratitude by saying "Thank you for the yob"...

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My best friend is mad at me, because I sniffed on his sisters underwear..

Don't know if he is mad because she was still wearing it or because her parents where present. Whatever, it was a strange funeral....

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My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know

I told him I only know one and nothing else matters....

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In United States dogs are K9

In South Korea dogs are E10...

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Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them....

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Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O...

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Hey! Wanna make $$$$ fast?

…Just follow my simple instructions: 1. Hold down the Shift Key 2. Press the number 4 four times. It's that easy!...

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An english man, french, israeli, spanish and german are watching a street performance. The performer stands on a box and asks," Can you see me?"

The english answers" Yes" The french answers"we" The israeli answers "ken" The spanish answers "si" The german answers" ya"...

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Lately my husband has started pissing with the door open.

No modesty, no decorum. Pissing with the door open. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is when you're trying to drive....

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Why do Hong Kong police officers wake up so early?

To beat the crowd...

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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....

She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing...

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Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s...

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A lost cat

FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY... Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come to get her. My hubby (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My hubby and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my hubby 'El-Cheap-O,'...

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A Boy's Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl. The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo,...

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There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram...

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A woman was cleaning her 12 year old sons room

When she found a lot of bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband “what should we do?” “I don’t know” said the husband “ but i sure as hell wouldn’t spank him.”...

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Of course gay men dress well

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing...

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My preferred pronoun is it.

Because I am a fucking clown....

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I don’t have a “dad bod.”

I have a father figure....

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On this day, when we Americans storm Area 51, you Europeans should storm the Vatican Archives

We'll take on the aliens, you'll take on the predators....

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I asked some painters to come paint my home the other day and they’ve just arrived. They’ve spent the day here and now they’re finishing up.

The head painter hands me the bill and I notice it says “$0” I say “you guys did such a long tiring and fantastic job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?” The head painter looks at me and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house”...

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My wife left me because I’m too insecure.

No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea....

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Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire...

...on average....

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A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mute-deaf at his door. "Tell him I want to know where he hid the money!" the man yells. The professor conveys this to the mute-deaf and he responds with sign language that he hid the money under the cherry tree in his backyard. The professor turns to...

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I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on her face was priceless....

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Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician....

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R Kelly changed the rap game

He took the art out of Rap Artist...

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My therapist told me that I have extreme difficulty in vocalizing my emotions.

Can’t say that I’m surprised....

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house....

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In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent. Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!" The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep." The chieftain...

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I saw two guys wearing the same thing, and I asked if they were gay.

Then they arrested me....

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What is a Halloween themed Fleshlight called?

A Jackoff-lantern....

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You heard about the new sequel to The Exorcist?

A woman hires The Devil to get the priest out of her son...

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What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam, Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation. ​ Sincerely, ​ The Internet Provider...

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

One night at dinner, he decides to test it out. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. His son says, "I did some homework". The robot slaps him. " Alright, alright." His son says. "I went to my friends house and watched a movie." "What movie?" The father asks. "Toy Story." His son says. The robot slaps him. "Alright, alright." His son says. We watched a porno. The dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps him. The mother laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps her....

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Batman gets a call from Robin, who was having trouble with the car

"Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!" Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?" There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks "What's a tery?"...

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The clitoris has over 8000 nerve endings

But it's still not as sensitive as a vegan on social media...

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”...

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My lesbian friend just bought me a Rolex for my birthday.

Very nice of her, but not exactly what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"...

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Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish for mor- Genie: No wishing for more wishes Me: I wish for more genies Genie: Holy shit. All the new genies: Holy shit....

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What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A labracadabrador....

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Why do Dads tell Dad jokes?

Because they want to see their kids all groan up....

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Why should you never eat a clock?

It's too time consuming...

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A pirate walks into a doctor's surgery.

"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind." The doctor has a look at the pirate's back. "It's OK," he says, "they're benign." "Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."...

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A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!". Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day....

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A six year old boy goes to work with his father....

A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day. After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around. The father asks his kid "what's the matter son?" The kid replies "where are all the clowns that you say you work with?" Edit - typo...

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So, the Pope is super early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally, he's a bit rusty so he's driving poorly when suddenly he sees police lights.

He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope, "Hold on for a minute", and goes back to his car to radio the chief. "Chief, we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure." "How important? A governor or something?" "No sir, he's bigger." "So what, a celebrity??" "More important, sir." "A major politician???" "No sir, he's much bigger than that." "WELL, WHO THE HELL IS HE????" "Sir, actually, I'm not sure but the pope's his driver."...

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister...

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A 12 year old boy goes in the confession box and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard"...

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United States 2020 Election results are in!

Oh wait sorry this is just for us Russians....

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What’s the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language...

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I'm optimistically single.

My bed is half full....

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A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what...

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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world....

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It's easy to deter ladies from eating tide pods

It's much more difficult to deter gents....

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I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”...

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NSFW

Standing on office chairs...

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The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he was going to Parcelona. He proceeded to ignore what I believe was my best joke. I probably didn't say it right. The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery....

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What happens when you slap Dwayne Johnson’s butt?

You hit Rock Bottom...

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him: “Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.” The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was having an affair, so I left work early to come home and try to catch her in the act. When I got home, sure as shit there she was, naked on the bed! I looked all over the apartment, but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere. So I went outside on our 25th story balcony, and...

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What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship I'm sorry...

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Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4...

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I know this is r/Jokes but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask.....

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Five years ago I asked the girl of my dreams to go on a date with me. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times....

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At age 12, little Jhonny was blessed with a nine inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison...

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The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime....

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What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu

Raichu...

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together! Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body. Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The...

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My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”...

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“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”...

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My wife said there’s no way in hell she’d ever allow me do doggie style.

but I did it behind her back anyway....

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Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?

Luckily im in the other 5%...

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My roommates say our house is haunted

But I've been living here for 600 years and never noticed anything....

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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane...

Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a...

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My wife was super angry when she caught me watching porn. She said it degrades women.

Jokes on her. The porn I watch doesn't have any women in it....

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What shoes do kidnappers wear?

White vans....

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What starts with T, ends with T, and has T inside?

A teapot...

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My wife caught me cross-dressing and said it's over.

So I packed her things and left....

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Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital's always Dublin....

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A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."...

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Algebra was easy for the Romans.

X was always 10....

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We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the...

Minneapolis...

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Me: “Did you invite Dan to the party?”

My friend: “Yeah.” Me: “Cannibal Dan or Dan that can’t spell?” notification from my friends phone, it’s a text from Dan. “I can’t wait to meat your friends tonight. My friend: “I’m not sure”...

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What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year....

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When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance....

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy. During the woman's time with him, the king fell hopelessly in love with her, as she was very beautiful. When it came time for her to leave to return to the United States, the king called her into his palace and spoke passionately to her via the interpreter. "King Paolo begs you to remain here and be his wife....

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After my wife died, I wasn't able to see any women for 25 years.

But now that I've been released from prison, I know it was worth it....

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A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."...

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Two dictators are arguing about whose army is more obedient.

They walk to the edge of the cliff and call a soldier over. Putin commands his soldier to jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children." Putin lets him go. Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier is about to jump when Putin grabs his arm and stops him. The North Korean soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children."...

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The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn ~ -leaves-...

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"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business...

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Why can’t T-Rex clap their hands?

Because they’re extinct....

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A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and the Mom asks him to lead the family in saying grace. So the boy complied and...

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An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message of christ, and was able to convert him, spraying him with water saying, "you were born sick, you were raised sick, but now you are CHRISTIAN!". The idiots neighbors left him alone thinking that was that, but come Friday, and he's still grilling chicken...

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For my cake day, I've decided that I'm not going to be drinking any more.

I'm not going to drink any less either....

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My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship....

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My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

But my girlfriend insist it says dyslexia...

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My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess....

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My wife

My wife came into the bedroom and in a strict voice she said "take my blouse off", so I took her blouse off. "Take my shoes off", I took her shoes off "Remove my skirt", I removed her skirt. "Take my stockings off", slowly I took her stockings off. "Now remove my bra", I removed her bra. "Take my knickers off", I pulled her knickers off. Standing there totally naked, she said "never let me catch you wearing my clothes ever again"...

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I took a cab and told the cabbie I was in a hurry...

The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection. I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?" "Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way." We came up on a red light and again he sped through the intersection. I'm seriously concerned for my life now "Would you please drive more carefully." "Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way and we have been fine." Then we came up on a green light and the cabbie...

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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"...

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What do you call a Japanese chihuahua?

Konichihuahua...

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I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them....

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What’s better than Cake Day?

Nothing give me upvotes...

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I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"...

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I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly. I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled. And now we wait....

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An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up...

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People say Good things Always come to an end

With That logic, I'm probably gonna live forever...

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.” “Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts....

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I’ve been diagnosed with a fear of giants.

It’s called Feefiphobia...

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A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter...

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Have you heard about the man that had five penises ?

His boxers fit like a glove...

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If Chinese music is called C-pop, Korean music is called K-pop, and Japanese music is called J-pop, what do you call Drake's music?

Crap....

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A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name. "So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!" "Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH,...

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An AT&T installer asked me for the time.

I told him it was some time between 8am and noon....

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What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader....

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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights...

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I just put my root beer in a square cup.

Now it is just a beer...

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Doctor: We had to remove your colon.

Patient Why?...

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A German, a Japanese and an Italian are in jail and have one month left before their death sentence. The warden comes up to them and says : "I will grant freedom to whichever makes the best invention within a month!"

The three inmates are baffled and each determined to make it to freedom. "I will need a lab and this list of materials and tools" Says the German, to which the warden replies : "Granted!" "Give me three assistants and these things" Says the Japanese, as he hands over a list of various items, "Granted!" Says the warden. "A dozen of whores, lots of booze and weed please!" Says the Italian, the warden is surprised, but decides to give him what he demands. A month later, the warden comes back to check on the results of the convicts' work and starts...

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What rhymes with Orange

No it doesn’t...

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A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your...

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A dad is lost in the Dad Joke Hall of Fame...

He's looking around when he comes upon a hallway full of people. At the other end of the hallway he sees a boxer just knocking people out one at a time. So, he quickly pushes past all of the people and asks the boxer, "Excuse me sir, is this the punchline?"...

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3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with

…so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter...

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What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one...

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"Son, you're just not cut out to be a mime"

"Was it something I said?" "Yes"...

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What's the difference between a genie and an academic?

One grants wishes, the other wishes for grants....

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Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: holding cup do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand done! om: holding cup it didn’t work....

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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something to make her look sexy...

So I got drunk....

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A man was walking home down a dark street at night. As he was walking, he heard this thumping....

He stopped and looked, and there was nothing there. It seemed to have stopped. He continued on. Then he heard more thumping, and he knew he wasn't crazy. He turned, and what he saw horrified him. A coffin was thumping after him! He ran. The coffin on his tail. He ran to his house. He closed and locked the door, and the coffin broke right through. He ran up the stairs. The coffin went up the stairs. He locked himself in the bathroom, and closed the door in a blind panic. The coffin hit the door. It hit the door, hit it, and hit it again. The guy...

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I was at the museum recently.

I asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures. He said no, they had to stay on the walls....

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I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side....

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Helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon and argon walk into a bar.

The bartender shouts at them: "GET OUT!" They didn't react....

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Lawyer in a car accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. “Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined. “You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!” “Oh my god,” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his...

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Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam. While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their...

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My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her....

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"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun....

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A man is granted three wishes by a genie

Man: My first wish is that I want all lawyers to disappear. Genie: Done,now you have zero wishes left. Man: What?! You can't do that,I still have my two wishes remaining. Genie: Sue me....

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John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?" Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?" John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk" Cop: "Holy shit!" The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up. Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?" John: "Sure" John had his license Chief: "May I see the vehicle's...

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A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at her and says, "I think I'll have the soup."...

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I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know Y TBH...

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I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.

Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins"....

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It's said that Jesus could walk on water...

That's nothing! Stephen Hawking used to run on batteries!...

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Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip....

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People always told me I would suck at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

Well I've made two vases and a jug today, so who sucks now!...

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Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because Scott put on the wrong socks this morning....

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised...

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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....

You know, one would have been enough....

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What do you say when you meet a flat-earther?

You're not from round here are ya?...

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I like 25 letters of the alphabet

But I love u...

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A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over he asks if she had a good time. She replied “yes that was fun, but I don’t understand why they do all of that for 25 cents”. The man, puzzled, asks “what do you mean?” To which the blonde replied “well the game started with a coin toss, and afterward they just ran around hitting each other screaming get the quarterback! get the quarterback!”...

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I have a fetish for writing the last paragraph of a paper.

I just came to that conclusion....

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Women are like swimming pools.

They cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the amount of time you spend inside them....

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A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer....

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Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster?

A cock a dude'll do....

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The man who invented Velcro, died.

RIP....

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Grandpa was summoned for an audit.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’ ‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’ The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘ Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite...

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What do you say to comfort an English teacher?

They're, their, there....

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What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association...

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A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.

And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?". A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt. She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?" A little later the wife left and came home a few hours later. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner waiting for her and all the dirty clothes washed and folded. She called to her husband. "Honey did you do all this for me?" Husband: "No. The lady next door heard us earlier and after you left, offered to help me do all those things I asked you to do in exchange for either...

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An electrician didn't get home until after 2 a.m.

His wife asked, "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I?"...

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I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian....

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game.. He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants.. He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after examining the penis of the men standing in the line.. If she points to a wrong man,then she and her husband will be executed. The first woman nervously stepped out and she kept touching the penises until she found her husbands and declared it.... Genghis was disappointed...

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A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his penis

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.” So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his dick. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his cock. So, the man consents and offers these three...

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