Great guy, awful journalist....
Thứ Bảy, 30 tháng 6, 2018
My wife left a note on the refrigerator for me...
"It's not working anymore. I just don't know what to do. I'm going to stay with my mother for awhile."
I opened the door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?...
Did you know the first condoms were invented by the Welsh out of sheep's intestines?
The English improved on the invention by taking the intestines out of the sheep before using them....
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy...
There was this beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered.
“No, this is my first time”
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused, so she looked all around the store to see if it was empty, and it was.
“Just a minute,” she said, and walked to the door, locking it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned...
"What's your favourite position?" asked my date.
I said, "It's the spider."
She said, "I don't know it."
"Well," I said, "it's when I stand in a corner of the room and you scream naughty things at me."...
Capital Gazette Releases A Paper The Day After Its Office Was Attacked
Capital Gazette Releases A Paper The Day After Its Office Was Attacked
In spite of the tragedy, Gazette reporters were steadfast that they would be publishing the paper as normal on Friday, and they followed through.
June 29, 2018 at 06:53PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2KAMt...
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"...
Thứ Sáu, 29 tháng 6, 2018
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The...
Went and got my first gun yesterday
Went and got a 9mm pistol I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says strip down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card....
A bass player joke.
A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your second bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4..5 notes on the A string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your third bass lesson son?"
"I blew it off I had a gig."...
How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;
So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put all the veggies she wants on it, I start to wrap up her sandwich when she says, "can I get some mayo?"
...
I look at her, she's looking at me, I pick up the mayo, I'm waiting for her to be like haha jk.
Nothing.
Me: "You know mayonnaise has eggs in...
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."...
Thứ Năm, 28 tháng 6, 2018
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'...
Paddy was sitting in his local pub when a fine looking Italian woman walks in.
He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.
They had a passionate affair all that summer. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned...
The blonde's bet
Bob walked into his favorite sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said:"Do you think he'll jump?".
Bob said: "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied: "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said: "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building,...
Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 6, 2018
A Russian goes to Africa.
A Russian goes to Africa and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.
"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."
"What's the danger in that?"
"One of them is a cannibal."...
A man dies and goes to Hell.
Satan greets him.
Hey. How's it going?
Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.
I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?
Of course.
Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you want. Vodka, gin, tequila, rum...whatever! Make your own if you want. You don't have to drive home. You don't have to worry about your liver or alcohol poisoning. You're already dead. Were you a smoker?
Yes, I was.
Tuesdays, smoke it up. We have all the cigarettes and cigars. Even the...
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service...
A hero at a mental hospital.
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and sabed John bu pilling him out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be okay.
The doctor met with David and said, “We have good news and bad news...
The Samurai Contest
Three Samurais were arguing which of them was the best Samurai out of the three. Each believed they were the best. In the middle of their discussion, a fly comes in through the window and starts buzzing around them. Getting an idea, the first samurai takes out his sword and slashes through the air! The fly falls to ground, completely split into two equal pieces. The two other samurais were impressed.
Not to be outdone, the second samurai steps up. Another fly comes in through the window and he slashes his sword! The fly drops to the ground, still...
Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 6, 2018
Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly
“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”
“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”
“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”...
An Irish man walks into a pub.
The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow...
What's a pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear Sir/Madam,
We are writing this letter to inform you that your account has been suspended for illegal downloading of copyrighted material...
A Man talks to a Lawyer
A man talks to a lawyer and says "My wife wants to divorce me."
"On what grounds?" The lawyer asks.
"On any ground where she can get a judge to okay it." The man responded.
The lawyer tries again with "I mean does she have any ground for the divorce?"
"Yeah she owns half of our two acres. Think we can take her land from her?" The man replies.
The lawyer decides to try rephrasing the question as "I mean is there a grudge?"
"No. We don't have anything fancy like that. We just park in the driveway." The man replied.
"She wants the divorce? I mean...
Thứ Hai, 25 tháng 6, 2018
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP......
Good ol'e USA
18: can I buy a bottle of wine?
USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible
18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?
USA: we encourage it...
A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...
“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”
“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”
The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who quack at him.
“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I need you to take them to a zoo immediately.”
The man replies, “I’ll take them right away,” and drives off.
The next day, the police officer sees the same exact van driving by and to his astonishment, it is still full of penguins! He pulls the man over again, and notices that...
A Mormon was seated next to a Irishman on a plane..
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."...
Chủ Nhật, 24 tháng 6, 2018
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.
As the couple approach the alter the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the preist is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"
"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my alter ego"....
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the amount of dad jokes, or you’re stuck in an infinite loop of “go ask your mom”....
Thứ Bảy, 23 tháng 6, 2018
The Librarian
What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.
Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.
“9 am,” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”
“Not until 9 am?” the man asked in a disappointed voice. The librarian began to get angry.
“No, not until 9 am,” said the librarian. “Why do you want to get in before 9 am?”
“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out"....
Naked except for the boots
Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret, 75, looked him over.
“Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different?...
Thứ Sáu, 22 tháng 6, 2018
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed...
Thứ Năm, 21 tháng 6, 2018
Dr. Goldberg
Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated...
During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."...
So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...
Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding down the road,the police officer pulls out, sirens blazing. The man pulls over as soon as he notices.
The police officer walks up to the car and asks, "Sir, do you know how fast I just clocked you at?"
The man replied, "Probably too fast, officer. I'm...
Thứ Tư, 20 tháng 6, 2018
Dad's job
(German here)
The teacher asks the children what their dad's are doing for a job. All very exited shouted all different professions;
"Police Office, Fireman, banker, accountant, ..." ... only Hans remained quiet.
So, the teach asks "Hans, what is you dad doing as a job?"
"Oh, he's dancing naked at a gay club and sometimes man pay him more money and they go to a motel together".
"Is that true, Hans?" The teacher asks shocked.
"No, he's playing football (soccer) for the German national team but that would have been too embarrassing....
Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says
"how do you fancy a round of golf"
Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"
Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
Tiger says "you have to understand Stevie I am a pro golfer, it will be too much of a mismatch"
Stevie says" OK well tell you what, a million dollars says I win or are you chicken"
Tiger says "OK done, when do you want to play?"
Stevie says "any night this week"...
“Son, I found a condom in your room.”
“Gee thanks, Grandpa!”
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”
“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”...
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired.
“Last week..." Bill explained. “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”...
A man and his wife are running out of money.
Now out of options, the wife decides to take up prostitution to get some money.
The husband takes her to the corner of the street, and later comes back that night, picking up his wife. He turns to her and asks "how much did you make", she replies "$200.05"
The husband double takes and says "who's the asshole who paid you 5 cents?" and the wife says "all of them"...
The job interviewer asked, "whats your full name?"
"It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith."
The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?"
"No" I replied, "but the priest at my baptism did."...
Thứ Ba, 19 tháng 6, 2018
Three plastic surgeons meet at a conference...
The first, an Australian, talks about the latest triumph in Australian reconstruction. 'A guy was torn apart by dingoes. All we had left was his right ear. We took the ear, reconstructed the entire body and now he's back at work. As a matter of fact, he replaced six men.'
The English plastic surgeon promptly tops the story. 'We had a nuclear accident at a power station, and all that was left was a single hair. We took that hair, reconstructed the entire human being and now he's back at work at the power station. Where he's replaced twenty men.'
The...
A Butcher Tries Shooing a dog but sees it has a $10 Bill in its mouth with a note, "5 lamb chops, please."
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the...
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it *infrequently\*' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards...
Teaches asks Jimmy, "What's wrong?"
Jimmy :- Our house is very small. Me, my mom and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Jimmy, are you asleep?'
I say "No" & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye.
Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.
The following morning Jimmy comes back with a severe black eye again.
Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again? Jimmy:- Dad asked me if I was asleep. I shut up & kept dead still. Then my mom and dad started moving at the same time. Mom was breathing erratically, kicking...
A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go to the alley and...
Thứ Hai, 18 tháng 6, 2018
There was this tramp
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down....
Mexico vs. Germany: World Cup 2018 Live
Mexico vs. Germany: World Cup 2018 Live
It was hard to recall a bigger result for Mexico, which has hosted the World Cup twice but has never advanced past the quarterfinals.
June 18, 2018 at 12:10AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2HXXY...
I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."...
Happy father's day!
5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:
Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me
Mom: And which one will put you to sleep
Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.
Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with daddy.
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !
Happy Father’s day!...
Chủ Nhật, 17 tháng 6, 2018
This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,
"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, " And the dog barked ten times. "OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. " And the dog barked twenty times. "He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. " "Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "...
Since the UK were leaving the EU, the European Commission decided on having English remain as the main language, instead of German
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make...
Three divorced men find a genie
The genie slowly coalesces out of the lamp and addresses his finders. "You each get one wish. However, because you are divorced whatever you ask for will be doubled and given to your ex wife."
The first man blurts out "Well we did end on good terms so... How about $1 million? She'll get two and everyone is happy."
The genie grants his wish and he scoops up his money.
The second man shakes his head and replies "Fuck that. My ex is a blood sucking whore. Give me a Maclaren! She won't know what to do with one, let alone two. Hell, she can't even...
Thứ Bảy, 16 tháng 6, 2018
The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"...
A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.
He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their clothing. She lies down, naked, and beckons him forward as she says "I wanna 69." The guy replies "You want a Beef and Broccoli NOW?!?"...
Thứ Sáu, 15 tháng 6, 2018
My wife was dying...
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."...
A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"...
It's Dale's last day as a postman
25 years he's been delivering the mail to the same neighborhood. When it was time to retire, he let everyone know ahead of time, that way if there was an issue with their mail, they new it would be a new letter carrier. As he made his way along his route, he found little going away gifts from some the people. In one mailbox he found a set of fly fishing lures, in another he found a box of cigars and yet another a flask with his initials on it when he came to a home that had been recently purchased by a young couple. Upon opening the mailbox he...
Three old ladies are sitting on a bench...
... when a man came up and flashed them. Two of the ladies immediately had a stroke, but the other couldn't quite reach....
Guy calls in on radio show
Guy: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
Host: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
Guy: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan...
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.
The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment
Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The...
Thứ Năm, 14 tháng 6, 2018
A man walks into a Large & popular Pet Shop and says to the owner......
"All right, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 75 dollars. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. After getting home, he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the...
A man speaks frantically into the phone
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"...
The English language
If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead....
A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference
For example:
Johnny ate his own lunch after school.
Johnny ate his own colon after school....
Thứ Tư, 13 tháng 6, 2018
A Jewish man, a Frenchman, and an Italian man were bragging about their sex lives.
The Jewish man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!”
The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!”
The Italian man said, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!”
The other two were stunned.
The...
A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.
He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whip's their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.
The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook!
Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, "guess you've just gotta fight fryer with fryer"....
A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.
After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.
-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?
-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. If they answer it correctly, then they are cured and are free to go.
The director gathers three patients for a demonstration.
-So, resident 121, what is six times six?
-One thousand? -says the first one.
-Well no, that's another year here for you.
The director proceeds...
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”...
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.”
Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”...
When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English
It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English....
Thứ Ba, 12 tháng 6, 2018
An electrician went to the buzzfeed headquarters,
He was asked to come because a power box was malfunctioning, He went to the reception and told them that he was there to fix the problem ,he was told to wait a minute . So he sat down at the reception. He saw that most of the people working there were in their twenties. He then wondered how advanced the society had become and what he would have done if he was their age, after some time an employee came and then went with him to the malfunctioning box, the electrician then opened that box and saw that there were several wires connected all labeled...
[Not OC] A gynecologist finds a new path.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%....
Three friends walk into a hotel room in Soviet Russia
Two first men are open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until...
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."...
On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says “I will destroy America...”
Trump replies, “No way, that’s my job. I won’t have another asian stealing an American job.”...
Tarzan learns about sex
Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.
Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."
Tarzan...
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.
He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"...
A mail order bride and the butcher . . .
A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.
Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did manage to communicate with her husband with gestures mostly. The real problem arose whenever she had to go grocery shopping.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request. So in desperation, she...
Thứ Hai, 11 tháng 6, 2018
Why eight hours a night isn’t enough, according to a leading sleep scientist
Why eight hours a night isn’t enough, according to a leading sleep scientist
Your genes can determine whether you're a morning person or night owl.
June 11, 2018 at 06:35PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2l0yn...
He's about to blow her head open.
So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches...
Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd...
One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.
When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow black people in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."
Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"
"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."...
A Mormon and an Irishman were on a plane
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."...
In breaking news, Triple Crown winner Justify has turned down an invitation to White House.
When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”...
Women say they want a man who is funny and spontaneous
But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight in a clown costume and suddenly it's all screaming and throwing things and police helicopters....
Chủ Nhật, 10 tháng 6, 2018
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court.
And the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy!"...
[Long] An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. He was unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, so he did the best he could to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to...
Thứ Bảy, 9 tháng 6, 2018
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later....
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.
Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case....
Thứ Sáu, 8 tháng 6, 2018
A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:...
I was having a prostate exam...
Me:*squirms Doctor: Don't worry, it's perfectly fine to have an erection at a time like this.
So I tried to ignore the bulge in his pants....
Thứ Năm, 7 tháng 6, 2018
The Pharmacist
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."...
A Scientist, Mathematician, and an Idiot are in a car. Crashing into a tree, all three die. They are sent to purgatory, where the Devil is waiting.
(Of course, the idiot was driving)
"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."
So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most complicated formula known to science?" The Devil snaps his fingers, and a stack of papers appear. The scientist reads them, and has to agree. He is warped to hell.
The mathematician then asks, "What is 0 divided by 0?" The...
An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."
A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."
The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of the liquid to the doctor's tongue. The doctor gasps. "What the hell? Why did you put gasoline on my tongue?"
"Ah, great!" The engineer exclaimed. "You have regained your sense of taste. You can pay $50 to the cashier at the front."
Annoyed, the doctor goes...
The word asparagus is funny.
It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.
I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke....
A police officer turned on his lights, pulled me over, walked to my window and said "papers?"
I looked at him with a smile and said "Scissors, I win." and drove off. I think he wants to do best out of 3 because he's been chasing me for an hour....
A couple, both age 27, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house....
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife...
Thứ Tư, 6 tháng 6, 2018
A redhead goes to buy a bull
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word...
Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person...
not for the easily offended - one of my favorites
Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. "See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."
So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.
Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"
Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.
After...
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"...
Thứ Ba, 5 tháng 6, 2018
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."...
Thứ Hai, 4 tháng 6, 2018
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.
His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.
It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a...
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking...
Why Do People Sign Yearbooks?
Why Do People Sign Yearbooks?
Commemorative class books evolved from practical notebooks into collections of hair clippings, rhyming couplets, and "have a great summer" wishes.
June 4, 2018 at 06:34PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2JvgE...
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.
The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."...
A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her. The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets...
He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”
Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more and asks, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”...
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.
He asked St Peter “what is with all the clocks?”
St Peter responded, “These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.”
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked. St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
“Whose is that?” Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, “Where's Donald Trump’s clock?”
St. Peter responded “It’s in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”...
Chủ Nhật, 3 tháng 6, 2018
Weekend
A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much...
A guy gets thrown out of a bar.
Two priests approach the guy that was thrown out. He looks at the first priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest shakes his head.
The guy looks at the second priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest also shakes his head.
"Okay, let me prove it to you." The guy walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back already?"...
Thứ Bảy, 2 tháng 6, 2018
My dad just called a family meeting.
Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.
"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.
"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required"....
Thứ Sáu, 1 tháng 6, 2018
A pothead and a leper are in jail
and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls of. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.
The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.
Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls of. He takes it and tosses it through the cell window.
The pothead is already pretty high and still watches the leper.
Next lepers' left arm starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls of. He takes it and tosses it through the cell...
"What is your biggest weakness?" asked the interviewer.
I said, "Spiders."
He said, "Professional ones?"
I said, "I don't know, I've never seen one in a suit before."...
A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes
getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing,
"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . . "
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look...
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