She looked surprised....
Thứ Sáu, 31 tháng 5, 2019
3 friends were bragging about who had the most sex...
Friend 1 said ”You all have nothing on me, I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I Corvette to work everyday and I got a 8.5 inch penis. I have slept with over 1000 different women.”
Friend 2 said ”Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $850k a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5000 women.”
Friend 3 said ”I have you all beat. I fucked over...
A 10 year old girl asks her mother... “Mommy, How was I born?”
The mother smiled and replies... “Once upon a time your father and I planted a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the soil and I looked after it. Every day I gave it water and fertilizer. After a while the seed started to grow into a lovely plant with pretty green leaves. After a few months the plant grew big and healthy with lots of buds. When the plant was about 4 feet tall we cut it down and dried it.
Then we smoked it and got so high that we fucked without a condom....
Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...
He asked again, in German.
Again, the two workers did not understand him.
He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.
He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.
One guy turned to the other guy and said, "You know, maybe we should learn a second language."
"Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy.
"It would help out in situations like the one we just had."
"What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any."...
All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.
He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.
Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.
It just so happened that one day when Timmy was driving the train near a very sharp turn that required him to decrease the trains speed, a butterfly flew across the window.
Distracted, Timmy forgot to decrease the trains speed and ended up running it off the tracks,...
A People Map Of The US
A People Map Of The US
Who's the most famous person (or at least the person with the most Wikipedia traffic) from your hometown? This extremely detailed map from The Pudding has your answer.
May 30, 2019 at 08:09PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2Mj46...
Wendy was dared by her male classmate to climb to the top of the school’s flagpole
She bets him an ice cream that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets ice cream. Upon reaching home, she bragged to her mom, feeling proud about what she did.
“Oh, Wendy. You do know that he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her head in disapproval.
A little wiser she returns to school the next day. This time the boy offers her two ice creams to climb the pole. She thought that it was an easy win for her so once again, she climbed to the top of the flagpole.
Again, after...
Thứ Năm, 30 tháng 5, 2019
Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied. “So have Tom and I."
"We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda.
“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”
Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again.
“So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?” Mary asked.
“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam and afterward, the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts....
A Proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar...
A proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar and order three beers. The bartender appears with three beers in hand and asks the proton, “Are you sure you are above 21?” The proton replies, “I’m positive.” The bartender then gives the proton his beer. He then says to neutron while giving him the second beer, “For you, no charge.” He then proceeded to throw the last beer into Heliem’s face. Helium didn’t react....
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery...
A sniper rifle and an assault rifle meet eachother at a dance party
They get along quite nicely and go out for a drink. The assault rifle falls in love with the sniper rifle, and decides to ask if the sniper rifle wants to be her boyfriend. However, the sniper rifle declines. Distraught, the assault rifle asks why he said no, to which the sniper rifle replies:
"I can't be with you because I M24 and you AR15"...
A man walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. He says to the priest,
"forgive me father, for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed"
The priest asks, "Would you like to tell me about it?"
"Well," the guy says. "I was on the seventeenth hole, and I had just hit my best drive of the day. It was straight ahead, middle of the fairway, perfect vision of the flag. Must've been at least 250 yards, which was an incredible drive for me. Feeling pretty good about that hit, I walked toward my ball but as I got within 15 yards of it, a squirrel ran out of the forest and grabbed my ball."
And the priest interrupts...
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it....
Here It Is: One Of The Worst Ceremonial First Pitches Ever
Here It Is: One Of The Worst Ceremonial First Pitches Ever
You know a pitch is pretty darn bad when people are comparing it to 50 Cent's infamous Mets first pitch.
May 29, 2019 at 08:42PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2WmCl...
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game...
After the game, he asked her if she liked it. She replied, "it was fun but I don't see why they made such a big fuss over 25 cents."
The guy asked, "What do you mean?"
And she said, "Well, at the beginning of the game, they flipped a coin and someone took it, and for the rest of the game, they kept shouting 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'"...
Donald Trump is boarding Air Force One
When all of a sudden, an assassin jumps out and points the gun at Trump. A member of the secret service sees this and yells, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin so much that it gives the other agents time to apprehend him. While the agents interrogate the assassin, Donald Trump pulls the agent aside and says, “ Why did you yell Mickey Mouse when you saw the assassin?” The agent says, “Well, I got nervous and meant to say Donald Duck.”...
A Spartan man and an Athenian man are arguing over which city is best
The Spartan man says " I think this should come down to a vote"
To which the Athenian agrees
The Spartan then says "I vote Sparta"
The Athenian says" I vote Athens"
The Spartans wife say "I vote Sparta"
The Athenian Wife says calmly"I don't get to vote"...
Thứ Tư, 29 tháng 5, 2019
“Wait a minute! You have been cheating on me all this time!”, my wife yelled at me as she found all the letters I had been hiding.
I felt cornered and prepared myself to face her fury, as she got red with anger and started walking towards me. She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a killer look I could never forget.
And kids, that’s the last time I played scrabble with her!...
Three sailors are discussing their cargo
They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.
"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.
"I'll never be able to live it down" says the second.
"Let's tell the captain that we've decided not to go" says the third.
Headstrong they head to the captains quarters to voice their displeasure and inform him of their decision.
The captain hears them out but ultimately disagrees and informs...
There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman
Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".
He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could satisfy herself. He looks around but finds nothing.
The cashier comes to him and asks him what he wants, to which the man tells him his problem. "I have a special toy just for you" the cashier tells the man. They both go to the back room and the cashier pulls...
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was the captain's parrot, after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean, and...
How Many Bones Would You Break to Get Laid?
How Many Bones Would You Break to Get Laid?
"Incels" are going under the knife to reshape their faces and dating prospects.
May 28, 2019 at 07:46PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2JIcn...
The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed
Many years before Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.
In the years he spent alone on the ship, he became adept at building small robots to help him complete his tasks. He formed relationships with the little bots, but he found he missed the companionship of real humans. He would take small stints in the cryogenic chambers in order...
Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.
Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me....
A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.
The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.
She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"
Blonde: "I am so sorry and tired. My muscles ache all over!"
Doctor: "From not eating?"
Blonde: "No from skipping"...
Thứ Ba, 28 tháng 5, 2019
My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now.
I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.
She said, “Abracadabra!” and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on....
A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"
A guy tried his luck and went inside.
Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up
Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it
[guy drinks medicine]
Guy: [spits] fuck you, this is gasoline!
Quack: your sense of taste is now working. That will be $100
The guy, mad, paid and left, but returned two days after.
Guy: hey doc, i keep on forgetting things
Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it
Guy: fuck you, that's gasoline!
Quack: your mental...
Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg
Hubby: How are you doing??
Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!
Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.
Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..
Sisters: Prove it!
Hubby (Shouting): Hey Honey.., both of them ??
Wife: (Shouting back): Of course! What's the point of fucking one???......
So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.
Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus. A lady answers him.
“Hello,” she says.
“Hi, is this the circus?”
“Yes.”
“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”
“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”
“Alex.”
“Alright then, Alex, what makes you think you can join the circus?”
“Well, I have several talents... for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.”
“O... Okay... That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call...
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 100 dollars I can bite my left eye.”
The bartender doesn’t think he can bite his own eye so he bets him 100 dollars. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender ends up giving him 100 dollars. The man comes back a few minutes later and says “I’ll let you get your money back. I’ll bet you 300 dollars I can’t bite my right eye” so the bartender bets him because there’s no way the man can have 2 glass eyes, right? So the man takes out his jaw and bites his right eye. Now the bartender is mad because he just lost 400 dollars. The man comes back once again and says to...
An 8 year old girl asks a question to her grandfather.
An eight-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him: "Grandpa, what is couple sex?'' The grandfather was very surprised that she would ask such a question. But he decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. Feeling uncomfortable, he steeled himself and proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of sexual intercourse. When he finished, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open...
'It Was Like A Zoo:' Death On An Unruly, Overcrowded Everest
'It Was Like A Zoo:' Death On An Unruly, Overcrowded Everest
This has been one of the deadliest climbing seasons on the world's highest peak. Veteran climbers blame increased permits for climbers, including many who are inexperienced.
May 27, 2019 at 06:36PM
via Digg https://nyti.ms/2M9Xc...
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter...
Today was a weird day
First I found a hat full of money, and then a man with gitar followed me the rest of the day...
A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...
The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.
"This one is on the house bro", he says.
"Thanks man," said the patron.
"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure" said the bartender, and he patiently holds it while the vet sips back the frosty nectar.
"If," says the armless man, "you'd reach in my right-hand pocket, you'll find my smokes, could you please..."
The bartender gets his pack out and lights one up for him.
"You've been...
Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 5, 2019
Love is blind
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"...
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point.
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"...
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each on of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if Im gonna have to explain it 5 times.”...
I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at the party....
Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch....
"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.
"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"
"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"...
A Migrant Family Takes A Greyhound Across America
A Migrant Family Takes A Greyhound Across America
Entering the U.S. at a rate of more than 5,000 a day, new arrivals from Central America are departing border towns by the busload. And that bus is usually a Greyhound.
May 26, 2019 at 11:03PM
via Digg https://nyti.ms/2JHYu...
NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!!
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure...
My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!
A farmer needed to castrate his bull.
After a search of many options including the local veternarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price. The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks from the case and explains that he will go to the rear of the bull and with one brick in his left hand and the other one in his right he will smash the bull's testicles by banging the bricks together. "Holy shit!" the farmer says "won't that hurt like hell?!!!...
Chủ Nhật, 26 tháng 5, 2019
Play Ball!
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball up there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that,...
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money....
Only fifteen minutes
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?
"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes...
In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...
... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.
The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.
But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the fire extinguisher .... stares at the fire for some minutes, does some calculations in his head - air flow, humidity, thermodynamic whatever - and then - with one blow from the extinguisher at the right point the fire is out and he goes to sleep...
A guy goes to confess...
A guy goes to confess...
"Father, yesterday I've been with 5 different woman."
"Squeeze 20 lemons and drink the juice" says the priest.
"This will free me from my sins?"
"Absolutely not, but it will take away that shit-eating grin from your face."...
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or...
"Have you not got a girlfriend?"
"No dad."
"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?
"No dad, not at all."
"Are you gay?"
"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."...
In A Town Shaped By Water, The River Is Winning
In A Town Shaped By Water, The River Is Winning
Storms supercharged by climate change pose a dire threat to river towns. After two catastrophic floods, tiny Ellicott City faces a critical decision: Rebuild, or retreat?
May 25, 2019 at 09:35PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2X8K3...
Dan returns home from work when he finds his wife in bed with another man
He locks them in the bedroom from outside while he tries to calm himself down and figure out what to do in the situation. He ultimately decides that while he may eventually forgive his wife, he cannot let the man go and so Dan decides to beat the shit out of him. He steps into the storeroom for a minute to find a suitable weapon, but to his dismay his wife and the man are both gone when he unlocks the bedroom door. From the open window sill, he deduces that they must have escaped through it. The fact that his wife decided to run away with the...
After having a little nap, my wife told me of a dream she had where she walked into the bedroom to find me in bed with her sister having sex.
suddenly a shark came out from under the bed and ate me and her sister.
She said, “It’s funny how things can happen in dreams that wouldn’t happen in real life.”
I said, “Yeah, ridiculous…a shark under the bed.”...
“Mommy, why did you name me rose?”
“Because when you were born and we were taking you out of the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head. So we names you rose.”
“Is that why little brother is named leaf?”
“Yes, it is”
“Blaaaarghhhh-ddsdbbbb-beeebbbleeee”
“Shut up brick”...
Thứ Bảy, 25 tháng 5, 2019
There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.
There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.
“How much is that doll, ma’am?”, she asked the old woman behind the counter.
“This doll is not for sale”, replied the woman.
“But it’s so beautiful”, said the girl. “I really want it.”
The old woman became irritated. “I told you, it’s not for sale”, she said.
“Why...
Don't believe everything you hear
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let...
Man Posts On Craigslist Saying He's Found A Lost Cat, Turns Out It's A Wild Bobcat
Man Posts On Craigslist Saying He's Found A Lost Cat, Turns Out It's A Wild Bobcat
Kudos to the man for being kind and to other users on Craigslist for pointing out that he had invited the wrong kind of cat into his house.
May 24, 2019 at 10:30PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2YKHS...
Girl's confession to a priest
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like...
Thứ Sáu, 24 tháng 5, 2019
A Mormon and Irishman are on a plane
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."...
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.
If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window.
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
After...
This Poor Farmer Has Literally The Shittiest Day Ever At Work
This Poor Farmer Has Literally The Shittiest Day Ever At Work
Nothing to make you feel more cowed at work than being in the firing line of a cow's projectile poop.
May 23, 2019 at 07:34PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2Wklp...
A man goes to the Council to apply for a job
The interviewer asks him, ''Are you allergic to anything?''
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.''
''OK, have you ever been in the military service?''
he says, ''l was in Iraq for one tour.'' The interviewer says, ''That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'' The interviewer then asks, ''Are you disabled in any way?''
The man says, ''Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.''
The interviewer grimaces and then says, ''Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from...
I told you I was broke
A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"
"Go away" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" She proceeds to close the door.
Quick as a flash the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open."Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And...
Thứ Năm, 23 tháng 5, 2019
Three men die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.
He says to the first man, "Welcome to Heaven! Back on Earth, what denomination were you?"
The first man say, "I was a devout Presbyterian".
St. Peter says, "Excellent! Then go to door 10, but when you pass door number 2, be very quiet."
He then asks the second man, "When you were on Earth, what denomination were you?"
The second man replies, "I was the pastor of my Methodist church!"
St. Peter says, "Wonderful! Make your way to door 6, but when you pass door 2, be very quiet."
St. Peter asks the last man, "What denomination were you on Earth?"
The...
Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...
...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.
The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.
The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly irradiated cleanup zone, but it too broke down in only 8 minutes.
The German robot with its superior german engineering managed to perform its task for a full 20 minutes before finally succumbing to the immense heat and radiation.
But all this time, the Russian robot...
Quick question
How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?...
My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”
Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes....
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it...
What kind of train is a ballerina?
A tutu train!
I thank my 7 year old for this and making me laugh at something so silly....
How San Francisco Broke America’s Heart
How San Francisco Broke America’s Heart
Filthy rich and dominated by a tech monoculture, it's gone from America's great romantic city to "a train wreck."
May 22, 2019 at 10:01PM
via Digg https://wapo.st/2HxKS...
Thứ Tư, 22 tháng 5, 2019
On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service...
A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.
Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.
Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.
Several hours later the man’s wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.
“Is the cat there?” He asked.
“Yes…” she replied.
“Well...
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter...
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child
But the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”
Next though, the social...
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train...
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"...
A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."...
Five Minute Management Lesson
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom,...
How your friends change your habits - for better and worse
How your friends change your habits - for better and worse
Our health choices are constantly influenced by our friends, both consciously or unconsciously.
May 21, 2019 at 07:33AM
via Digg https://bbc.in/2Jwm5...
I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.
I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden....
Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 5, 2019
Charles, Angus and Patrick are in a helicopter when the pilot informs them they are losing altitude.
Desperately, they throw out whatever they have on them. Charles throws out his teapot, Angus throws out his bagpipes and Patrick throws out a bomb. The helicopter recovers and they land safely.
When Charles gets home, he finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A teapot fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".
When Angus gets home, he too finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, he replies "A set of bagpipes fell out of the sky and hit your mother, killing her".
When...
Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet
He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis....
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what...
My crush just messaged me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" means?...
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
[Credit to Milton Berle]
[Credit and many thanks for the gold to an "anonymous redditor," namely u/Blake88fair]...
Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)
So Sven and Ole get a sad call to lean that their good friends, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.
When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread his butt cheeks?” The doctor is confused, but grants the request. Instantly Sven says, “Ah nope. That ain’t Anders.”
The doctor then calls Ole into the room and presents the body. Ole pauses for a moment and says, “Gosh. That sure does look like him...flip ‘em...
The Adventure That Eats U.S. Thru-Hikers for Breakfast
The Adventure That Eats U.S. Thru-Hikers for Breakfast
The 1,900-mile-long Greater Patagonian Trail winds through the southern Andes from Santiago to the climbing mecca of Mount Fitzroy. To complete it, adventurers need a lot more than physical stamina.
May 21, 2019 at 03:06AM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2HIn9...
Thứ Hai, 20 tháng 5, 2019
I don't understand time zones!
How is it possible that in Europe it is today. In Australia it is tomorrow. And in Alabama it is 1890?...
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with passing gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much..."
"It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know because it doesn't smell and it's silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the old lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me but now my passing gas... although it's still silent, it stinks terribly."
"Good," the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll get to work on your hearing."...
A mathematician arrived home drunk at 3AM.
His wife was waiting for him.
"You said you'd be back by 11:45!" she screamed.
The mathematician replied, "No, I said I'd be back at a quarter of 12."...
The Real Reason Fans Hate The Last Season Of Game Of Thrones
The Real Reason Fans Hate The Last Season Of Game Of Thrones
It's not just bad storytelling — it's because the storytelling style-changed from sociological to psychological.
May 20, 2019 at 02:01AM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2Qaai...
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house....
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come...
Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 5, 2019
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."...
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel...
This guy walked up to the counter and said 'Burger and chips please,'
'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?'
'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen....
So a man walks into a bar..
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could...
Guy Singing Evanescence's 'Bring Me to Life' Takes The Snapchat Gender Swap Filter To The Next Level
Guy Singing Evanescence's 'Bring Me to Life' Takes The Snapchat Gender Swap Filter To The Next Level
Scott Hubbard does the performance of a lifetime with his phone.
May 19, 2019 at 12:54AM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2WL4S...
The auditor goes to the synagogue
The auditor is on a fining spree; he went through his list and every business in town got fined for irregularities. He checks is list
done
done
done
not yet done
"What's that?" he thinks. He reads: synagogue. "I'll go there NOW"
The rabbi and all the administrators are extremely meticulous and precise; he checks everything, all the accounts and invoices and everything is flawlessly registered. There's really nothing to fine there.
He starts going out, quite disappointed, when he notices a small box.
"What's in that box?" he asks
"ah, you see sir,...
A naive and beautiful young girl is walking along the street in the countryside.
A naive, beautiful, conservatively dressed young girl is walking along the street in the countryside.
A man, wearing sunglasses and driving a sport car stops by:
"do you need a lift?"
She's intimidated by the sport car and the confident demeanour of this man, but she accepts, and they start getting to know each other.
"it's very nice that you pick me up in such a car. it's a long way home from here"
"it's a pleasure babe".
"what do you do?" she asks
"I'm a DJ and speaker at the radio" he answers.
She's delighted: "oh really? It's so cool. I always...
A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.
He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”
The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”...
Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 5, 2019
Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...
Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘
As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challenge given and goes first. She notices the swamp barely reaches her ankles and thinks ‚Well, that‘s what you get for lying. At least, I did it for a better Europe.‘
Curious about how the others are doing, she looks behind her and sees Putin covered in mud up...
A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.
He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.
The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in bed covers. She goes into her house and finds her son hauling what covers remain out the door.
"Jeffrey!" she exclaims, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"
"You don't know?" the kid says, "Sheet posts are the best way to get the car, ma!!"...
Tony Robbins Is The World's Most Famous Self-help Guru. This Is The Story He Doesn't Want You To Read
Tony Robbins Is The World's Most Famous Self-help Guru. This Is The Story He Doesn't Want You To Read
Behind the dazzling veneer, Robbins guards his empire with intense secrecy.
May 17, 2019 at 09:04PM
via Digg http://bit.ly/2w5no...
The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes....
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "Yep," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road,"explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but...
Thứ Sáu, 17 tháng 5, 2019
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
A. 499
Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door
Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door
Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why?
A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator
Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten....
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"...
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the...
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