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Thứ Sáu, 31 tháng 7, 2020

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

A conman, moron and rapist walks into a bar

Bartender asks "What do you want, Mr. President? "

Not good at relationships

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her... instead, I swam up to the surface.

How do you know if someone is just farming for karma?

They only post on their cake day

My wife told me that “sex is better on holiday”

Not the best postcard I’ve ever gotten

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the trash can, dousing the fire. Satisfied that the problem was solved, the engineer goes back to sleep.

Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in the physicist's wastebasket. The physicist rushes to the bathroom, whips out his calculator, frantically does a few computations, pulls out a cup, fills it to a precisely measured level, and rushes back to the wastebasket, pouring the water onto the fire. As the last drop hits the flame, the fire goes out. Satisfied that the problem was solved, the physicist goes back to sleep.

Finally, a fire breaks out in the mathematician's room. The mathematician rushes to the bathroom, sees the ice bucket, sees a cup, sees the water faucet. Satisfied that the problem could be solved, he goes back to sleep.

Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face.

Finally, he decides he'd better get home no matter what. Desperate to keep his wife happy, he crawls home and into bed next to his sleeping wife.

The next morning, his wife passive aggressively says to him, "well? How was it? did you at least have fun drinking all day yesterday?"

Steve is sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he confidently replies, "I wasn't drinking all day. I just stopped by after work and had a beer with a few of my coworkers. We barely drank anything"

His wife smirks, "the bartender called. You forgot your wheelchair last night."

Why use shampoo...

...when you can use real poo?

A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her...

After a while the hippie asks the nun "hey you, wanna fuck?" But the nun replies "no, God forbids it!" And she get's out on the next stop. A few minutes later the hippie want's to get out too and right as he want's to leave the bus, the bus driver yells "hey you, hippie, come over here. I heard what you said to the nun, and I've got a little tip for you. She goes to pray at her father's grave on the St. Martin graveyard every Sunday at 10AM". The hippie thanks him for the tip and get's off the bus. On the next Sunday at 10AM, the hippie goes to the St. Martin graveyard in a Jesus costume and after a few minutes he finds the nun. "Hello nun" he says, "God told me I shall come to Earth to fuck with you!" The nun says "if it was God's wish, I will obey" so they go behind a bush and start to fuck. After they're done the hippie throws of his costume and yells "gotcha, I'm the hippie!", then the nun throws off her costume and yells "gotcha, I'm the bus driver!"

2019: Stay away from negative People

2020: Stay away from positive people

An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God doesn't laughs, instead, he looks rather shocked.

The survivor shrugs with his shoulders.

"Eh, I guess you had to be there."

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?" queries Noah.

"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp wall to wall, floor to ceiling Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, You want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?"

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check."

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark."

An Air Force Colonel is about to brief his men.

An Air force Colonel is about to start the morning briefing.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decides to pose a question to assembled staff.

He explained his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and that he failed to get his usual amount of solid sleep.

He posed a question of how much sex was comprised of "work" verses "fun".

A Major chimed in that it was 75/25 in favor of work.

A Captain said 50-50.

A Lieutenant responded with 25/75 in favor of fun, depending on how inebriated he was at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the Airman First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion.

Without any hesitation, the young AFC responded "Sir, it has to be 100% fun"

The Colonel was surprised, and as you might guess, he asked for an explanation.

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved in it, the officers would have all have me doing it for them".

The room fell silent.

Herman Cain: There is no pandemic.

Pandemic: There is no Herman Cain.

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really need is a bit more money. My dad leaves for work before I am even awake and he works hard until late at night to put food on the table. Money is needed in my family, more time with my dad is needed."

The teacher is moved, she thanks the student and moves on to the next, a little boy stands up and says "all we are missing in my family is my older brother. He wen't off to fight in the war a year ago and nobody has heard from him since. My mom always waits for him by the window. My brother is desperately needed back in our family."

The teacher is now tearing up, she thanks the little boy and moves on to the next student, eventually making their way around the classroom with one heartfelt response after another.

Finally they come to the last student, Little Johnny. The teacher has come to expect antics from him but gives him a chance. "Little Johnny, what about you... what is something needed by your family?" Little Johnny stands up briefly and says "nothing, we have everything" and sits back down. The teacher, slightly upset, asks "Now how is that possible? Each of your classmates have shared something, how can you be so sure that your family doesn't need a thing?"

Little Johnny stands back up and says "well I was watching TV with my parents late last night when my sister came home crying. She said DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant! My dad disappointingly slapped his knee and said "Damn it! That's all we needed!"

Thứ Năm, 30 tháng 7, 2020

Holy crash

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but, amazingly, neither of the holy men is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the priest's collar and says,"So you're a priest I'm a Rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.' The Priest," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." "And look at this." The Rabbi says." My car is completely demolished but this bottle of kosher wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." So he hands the bottle to the priest who takes a few swings, and hands it back to the Rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. "Arent you having any?" ask the priest "No" replies the Rabbi "I think I'll wait for the police."

A family with a little boy are driving behind a garbage truck

Suddenly a dildo flies out and hits their windshield. In a spare to save her son's innocence, she goes "wow that's a huge bug".

But then, immediately after, the son replies "dang, how does that bug fly with a cock that big!"

I was kidnapped by a group of mimes

They threatened to do unspeakable things !

Two guys in brothel

Two young guys come to the brothel, they knock on the door and sliding peephole opens

Man with gruff voice asks : What do you want?

Guys : To get inside

Man : How much money you got

Guys, after going trough their pockets : erm ... 20$

Man laughs : For that much you can suck each other off, and shuts the peephole

20 minutes later there is another knock on brothel door

Guy slides peephole and sees same two guys standing in front

Guy : what the fuck do you want now????

Guys : To pay

Why is dark spelled with a K instead of a C

Because you can’t C in the dark

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said "DUCK, EGGS".

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

A man decides to start a business

He puts a billboard on the door saying "If we can cure you, you have to pay 100 dollars, if we can't you get 500 dollars"

A doctor sees the billboard and decides to get in and win 500 dollars.

He says that his sense of taste is gone.

The man says to his assistant: Can you please give him the medicine Nr.23

The doctor drinks it an immediately spits it and yells: This is gasolinee

The man then says: great your taste is back now give us 100 dollars.

The doctor comes back the next day and says: My sense of hearing is gone, I can't hear anything

The man says to his assistant: Can you please give him the medicine Nr.23

The doctor says:Noo not the gasoline

The man says: Great your hearing is back now give us 100 dollars.

The doctor comes back the next day and says: My sense of sight is gone, I can't see anything

The man says i'm sorry we can't cure that, here's 500 dollars, and hands him 20 dollars

The doctor says:This is only 20 dollars

The man replies: Great your sight is back now give us 100 dollars

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun.

"The Garden of Eden." The gates swing open once more.

"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun.

"Oh, that's a hard one..."

The gates swing open.

An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.

The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."

That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"

He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.

Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"

She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"

Dear, dad. I’ve decided to leave with Stacy to grow marijuana...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first gets the ring at my expense. Deal?"

The men are thrilled at the offer and both agree. The third man counts down from 3 and they both set off down the street.

The third man then smashes the shop window and grabs the ring.

The shop owner comes out and says, "What the hell happened?!"

The man points to the two men running down the street and says, "Them two bastards running down the road just robbed you!"

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain price. The father can't believe the advances the school has made, but also can't pass up the opportunity. Brad soon receives his dog and the money, but promptly burns through it again. This time his father is sent another message that another professor of Brad's can teach the dog to talk to people for more money. Brad again receives the money. Soon the father is bragging to everyone in town about how when Brad comes home with the dog, the dog can not only read and write, but can also converse with everyone. Word spreads and at the end of the school year a huge throng of people are waiting to see the dog arrive at the train station. However, neither Brad nor the dog are to be seen. The father looks off at the caboose and sees a slumped shouldered Brad slowly get off the train. The father runs to greet his son and asks where the dog is. Between whimpers Brad tells him that, while they were riding the train back home, the dog put down the newspaper he was reading and said, "Brad, I'm so glad I can speak. Because now I want to tell your mother what I saw your father and the housekeeper doing when she wasn't around." Brad told his father, "I got so angry...I grabbed that dog by the neck and threw it off the train. We must have been going 100. There's no way it could have survived." Brad's father grasped him by the shoulders and looked directly into his eyes before saying, "Son, are you sure that lying dog is dead?"

To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"That's the manager." said the waiter.

Thứ Tư, 29 tháng 7, 2020

Genie says, "I will grant you 3 wishes, What will be the first one?". Omar replies, "I wish that I can have unlimited wishes."

Genie : "That is not possible, you can only have 3 wishes."

Omar thinks about it for some time.

Omar : "Alright, my first wish is that I want an umbrella."

Genie grants the wish, and asks "What do you want next?"

Omar : "Shove this umbrella up your ass."

Genie struggles but manages to shove it and shouts, "Quick tell me your third wish, it hurts."

Omar : "Now let me have unlimited wishes or my third wish will be to open up the umbrella."

I just downloaded porn but the file is compressed

sigh.... unzips

I recently took a poll and found out

100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed

I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they fired me." "And what about the Potato Peeler?" I asked. "They fired her too."

3 Irishmen and 3 Englishmen are buying train tickets

The Englishmen all buy a seperate ticket, 3 in total. The Irishmen however buy only one ticket for the three of them.

One of the Englishmen asks: "Won't you guys get thrown off the train?"

"You'll see," say the Irish.

After riding the train for half an hour, the six men see the conductor coming into the back of their train car. While the 3 Englishmen all reach for their ticket, the Irishmen stand up and all proceed to the toilets, where the 3 of them enter a cabin. After checking the english men, the conductor walks to the toilet and knocks. After s few seconds, a ticket is shoved from under the toilet door, the conductor checks it, shoves it back and proceeds to the next train car.

The next day, the same 6 men are buying tickets. This time, the English men buy only 1. However, the Irish don't buy a ticket at all.

Again after about half an hour, the conductor enters the car. The english men proceed to the toilets, but the Irish remain seated. After the english men entered a toilet, the Irish stand up and also walk to the toilets.

There, 2 of the irish enter the second toilet cabin, but before the 3rd irish man joins them, he walks to the cabin with the english in it, knocks on the door and says: "Conductor here, ticket please"

A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...

"These bloody immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these bloody immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."

His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"

The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own bloody culture. They bring their own food, spit their own bloody languages, try to take over the whole bloody place."

His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"

I feel sorry for the magician i saw the other day...

He hypnotized 7 guys and then dropped the microphone on his foot and screamed “FUCK ME”

A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!” So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”

The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”

Why don't professional boxers have sex before a fight?

They probably don't like each other.

A homeless guy asked me for money today

So I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah" So I gave him the 20.

I love this joke but it's in Venetian dialect so I'll try to translate it see if you like it

A man goes in this new place that matches you up with the prostitutes that fits you perfectly.

So he goes in, he pays the 100€ and gets in front of 2 doors.

One says "blonde" the other "brunette".

"Oh fam I'm all for that brunette puss ayy".

And he goes into the "brunette" door.

He then finds 2 other doors, one says "bush", the other "shaved".

"Eyy fam I'm all for that shaved puss let's gooo".

And he goes into the "shaved" door.

Still, he finds 2 other doors, one says "big ass", the other "small ass".

"Ayy fam I'm here might as well go for a big juicy ass".

And he goes into the "big ass" door.

Again he finds 2 more doors, "huge tits" and "small tits", and as you might guess, after a very acculturate comment, he chooses "big tits".

He then finds 2 more doors, one says "get fucked BIG", the other "get fucked SMALL".

He chooses "get fucked BIG" and he finds himself outside.

What's the best way to get a perverts attention?

Put an nsfw tag on your post.

I thought it would be nice to share a burger with this homeless guy I keep seeing on my way to work.

But that stingy jerk told me to go get my own.

NSFW Two guys are on a camping trip...

And on the last day, they can't decide on what to do. So one decides he'll go for a lonely walk in the forest, while the other goes to a mountain lake.

When they meet up in the evening, the forest guy is "Hey, how did your day go?"

"Awesome. I went to this mountain lake, and there was a college volleyball team, and they decided to go for a topless beachvolleyball game, and I was the judge. And how was your day?".

"Awesome too. I went for a hike in the forest, and I came across a young woman tied to train tracks. I untied her and we had sex all day, you know, EVERYTHING. Frontal, doggy style...".

"Did she give you head, too?".

"Nah, I couldn't find it.".

T‌‌he U‌‌S i‌‌s h‌‌aving s‌‌o m‌‌any d‌‌isasters a‌‌nd t‌‌ragedies

Y‌‌ou'd a‌‌lmost t‌‌hink i‌‌t w‌‌as b‌‌uilt o‌‌n t‌‌op o‌‌f t‌‌housands o‌‌f a‌‌ncient i‌‌ndian b‌‌urial g‌‌rounds.

Thứ Ba, 28 tháng 7, 2020

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, "LISTEN!! You never listen!!"

A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week.

His wife answered the door.

"Sure..." his wife said. "It will cost you $500."

"That much?"

"But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town."

"I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350." the man countered.

"Sorry..." she shrugged. "You can't have Juan without the otter."

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."

What do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot?

A cursor!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this labs nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my life, and they never let me down. Now, will you do things my way or do I need to talk to the hospital management?

Doctor: Sure, sure, lady. We'll do things your way. Does an astrology-based approach work for you?

Karen: That's better! Of course it would!

Doctor: What's your birth sign?

Karen: Cancer.

Doctor: Well what a fucking coincidence.

My Dad always used to tell me that too much masturbation makes you go blind.

If only he could see me now.

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

I have a joke about universal healthcare

but americans wont get it.

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing?"
"We're working" the first blonde replies.
"Just the two of you?" He inquires.
"Well" the second blonde chimes in, "there's usually three of us, but the girl that plants the trees called out sick"

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I'd love to have one

Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 7, 2020

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound russian

Then soviet

A‌‌ m‌‌an w‌‌as s‌‌hopping i‌‌n a‌‌ n‌‌earby s‌‌upermarket w‌‌hen h‌‌e n‌‌oticed a‌‌ p‌‌ackage t‌‌hat s‌‌aid "‌‌Olympic C‌‌ondoms". H‌‌e b‌‌ought i‌‌t, a‌‌nd t‌‌old h‌‌is w‌‌ife a‌‌bout i‌‌t.

Wife: "Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"

Man: "They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife: "And what color are you going to wear tonight?"

Man: "Gold, obviously!"

Wife: "W‌‌hy n‌‌ot S‌‌ilver? I‌‌t'd b‌‌e g‌‌reat i‌‌f y‌‌ou c‌‌ame s‌‌econd, f‌‌or a‌‌ c‌‌hange."

What do you get when you mix a gullible and an optimistic person.

Read it again

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

I once had a German girlfriend who would rate my sexual performance from a scale of 1-10.

One night I decided to try anal and I thought I did great. She shouted “NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!”

My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car?

Tell them to stay inside the car.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks".

I said, "Don't mention it."

What borders on insanity?

Canada and Mexico....

A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small

Employee: You didn't even try it on

Psychic: I'm a medium

How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.'

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.'

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn).

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs.

44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.

12 to post F.

8 to ask what F means.

36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.

50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my finger" so saint Peter tells her to dip her finger into the holy water and she may pass into heaven.

The next girls steps forward and Peter asks her the same question. She says "yes but only with my hand for a moment" so Peter tells her to dip her whole hand into the holy water and she may pass to heaven.

Then suddenly one of the girls from the back of the line starts pushing everyone out of the way to get to the front of the line. Peter looks at her and says "what seems to be the problem?" And she says "Peter I just want to gargle some holy water before Jenny sticks her ass in it"

I have a Russian friend who's a sound technician ...

I have a Czech one, too.

They say makeup sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross....

..."Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda's garden.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda's home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He's used all his forks but one, he discovers.

"That's ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. "I'll write us a note reminding us to buy more."

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to

pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

"Master Yoda!" he asks. "What did I do wrong?"

Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!"

A NSFW joke I tried to translate from Turkish

A group of bandits raided a village. They said to the women of the village; "To save the life of your family, you have to identify your husband by sucking his dick."

They blindfolded women and lined up the men of the village in a mixed order, and a few of the bandits became involved.

The first woman refused to do it. Bandits killed the whole family of the woman.

The second woman tried, could not find. Bandits killed the whole family of the woman.

The third woman came and started trying;

"Not this one."

"Not this one."

"This one is not from our village."

"This one!"

I want to tell you about a girl I know who only eats plants...

...you've probably never heard of herbivore.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

It’s a little boy’s seventh birthday.

For his birthday, his parents buy him a really superb cowboy outfit. I mean, it’s got everything: the boots, the spurs, the tiny plastic revolvers. The boy is thrilled; he doesn’t take the outfit off all day.

That evening, the little boy’s parents take him out to an ice cream parlor for a birthday sundae. The (rather attractive) lady at the counter smiles at the little boy and asks him what he’d like on his ice cream.

“Hello there, little man, would you like some hot fudge on your sundae?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Okay, and how about sprinkles?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“And a cherry on top?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Certainly, would you care for some pecan nuts?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Would you like your nuts crushed?”

boy whips out plastic revolvers

“DO YOU WANT YOUR TITS SHOT OFF?”

Grandfather told me this joke years ago, this is it to the best of my recollection.

Chủ Nhật, 26 tháng 7, 2020

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Going to Syria

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I becam‌‌e ‌‌a prostitute.‌‌"
‌‌
"Y‌‌e what!‌‌? Ge‌‌t ou‌‌t ‌‌a here‌‌, y‌‌e shameles‌‌s harlot‌‌! Sinner‌‌! You'r‌‌e ‌‌a disgrac‌‌e t‌‌o thi‌‌s Catholi‌‌c family.‌‌"
‌‌
"OK‌‌, Dad..‌‌. a‌‌s y‌‌e wish‌‌. ‌‌I onl‌‌y cam‌‌e bac‌‌k t‌‌o giv‌‌e mu‌‌m thi‌‌s luxuriou‌‌s fu‌‌r coat‌‌, titl‌‌e dee‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a te‌‌n bedroo‌‌m mansion‌‌, plu‌‌s ‌‌a ‌‌5 millio‌‌n saving‌‌s certificate‌‌. Fo‌‌r m‌‌e littl‌‌e brother‌‌, thi‌‌s gol‌‌d Rolex‌‌. An‌‌d fo‌‌r y‌‌e Daddy‌‌, th‌‌e sparklin‌‌g ne‌‌w Mercede‌‌s limite‌‌d editio‌‌n convertibl‌‌e that'‌‌s parke‌‌d outsid‌‌e plu‌‌s ‌‌a membershi‌‌p t‌‌o th‌‌e countr‌‌y clu‌‌b ..‌‌. (take‌‌s ‌‌a breath‌‌) ..‌‌. an‌‌d a‌‌n invitatio‌‌n fo‌‌r y‌‌e al‌‌l t‌‌o spen‌‌d Ne‌‌w Year'‌‌s Ev‌‌e o‌‌n boar‌‌d m‌‌y ne‌‌w yach‌‌t i‌‌n th‌‌e Riviera.‌‌"
‌‌
"Wha‌‌t wa‌‌s i‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d y‌‌e ha‌‌d become?"‌‌, say‌‌s Dad‌‌.
‌‌
Girl‌‌, cryin‌‌g again‌‌, "‌‌A prostitute‌‌, Daddy!‌‌"
‌‌
"Oh‌‌! M‌‌y Goodness‌‌! Y‌‌e scare‌‌d m‌‌e hal‌‌f t‌‌o death‌‌, girl‌‌! ‌‌I though‌‌t y‌‌e sai‌‌d ‌‌a Protestant‌‌! Com‌‌e her‌‌e an‌‌d giv‌‌e ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Da‌‌d ‌‌a hug!‌‌"

Yesterday at the dinner table my dad asked me, "are you even listening to me?"

weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

I lent a girl an unbrella today

Which takes the total number of girls I’ve made wet this year to -1.

My uncle always said , "Do something you love, and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin.

Dad: What did you get in your tests?

Son: Nearly a 100 for every test.

Dad: What do you mean nearly a hundred?

Son: Well, I got the zero's . . .

Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is

No sun

BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.

T‌‌he Trump f‌‌amily i‌‌s f‌‌lying f‌‌rom N‌‌ew Y‌‌ork t‌‌o D‌‌C.

Donald l‌‌ooks d‌‌own o‌‌n t‌‌he c‌‌ities b‌‌elow a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌I t‌‌hink I‌‌'ll t‌‌hrow a‌‌ $‌‌1000 b‌‌ill o‌‌ut o‌‌f t‌‌he w‌‌indow a‌‌nd m‌‌ake s‌‌ome A‌‌merican h‌‌appy"

Melanie s‌‌ays, "‌‌Oh h‌‌oney w‌‌hy n‌‌ot t‌‌hrow t‌‌en $‌‌100 b‌‌ills a‌‌nd m‌‌ake 1‌‌0 A‌‌mericans h‌‌appy?"

So t‌‌hen I‌‌vanka s‌‌ays, "‌‌Even b‌‌etter d‌‌addy, t‌‌hrow h‌‌undred $‌‌10 b‌‌ills o‌‌ut o‌‌f t‌‌he w‌‌indow a‌‌nd m‌‌ake 1‌‌00 A‌‌merican h‌‌appy?"

To t‌‌hat t‌‌he p‌‌ilot s‌‌ays, "‌‌Why d‌‌on't y‌‌ou a‌‌ll j‌‌ump o‌‌ut t‌‌he w‌‌indow a‌‌nd m‌‌ake t‌‌he w‌‌hole c‌‌ountry h‌‌appy?"

I washed the car with my 5 year old son today.

When we finished, he said, “Next time dad, can you use a sponge?”

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema. Well ...

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.

I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week…

My mum was not happy!

A priest, a bishop and a rabbit walk into a blood donation center.

The rabbit says, “I think I’m a type O.”

Thứ Bảy, 25 tháng 7, 2020

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

A new navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with his officer who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Husband and Wife

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for Peni$es. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for pu$$ies. The really tight ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."

Wife: "What about ones like mine?"

Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked.

He was so horny and excited to try out his new “system” that he didn’t think twice and leapt on board. After a few minutes of “slap and tickle” they found themselves in the “69” position. Sure enough, only moments later the man felt the sudden urge to come. Following the doctor’s orders, he grabbed the starter pistol off the bedside table and fired it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?” The man answered, “Just great! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face and bit three inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!”

a man is chopping down a tree

the tree says “Wait, i’m a talking tree”

the man proceeds chopping down the tree and says “and you will dialogue.”

Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.

They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.

The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says “you may begin the test.”

The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.

“Which tire was flat?”

A guy walks into a brothel and ask that the three most requested girls are brought in front of him(long)

A beautiful blond, brunette and a red head now stand before him, yet he simply can't decide who to pick. The man turns to the blond and ask. "Why are you so popular with the customers?"

She smiles an replies "You may not believe this, but when I get screwed in my ass really good, it congratulates my clients on doing such a good job. It makes my customers feel really happy!"

Shocked after hearing this, he then turns to the brunette and ask her the same question.

She replies "You may not believe this either, but when I get screwed in my ass nice and hard it enjoys it so much that it sings a song to my clients to thank them on a job well done."

Finally he turns to the red head and again ask the same question.

She shrugs pointing down toward her crotch indicating he should ask it himself. He does so and to his surprise it's the vagina that whispers, "If you have sex with me, I'll give you the best and most honest feedback on your performance you've ever had, and make you a better lover for all your future partners. Trust me, you can't trust those 2 assholes. They're completely full of shit.

I have a vaccine joke...

...but a lot of people won't get it.

Several men are in the locker room

Not mine, but I really enjoy this one...

Several men are sitting in the locker room of their local gym. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello."

Woman: "It's me. Are you in the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I am at the mall and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure. Go ahead, if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "$90,000."

Man: Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Really? Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,350,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $1,300,000. If they don't take it, we can go the extra fifty thousand. It's really a pretty good price."

Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later then. I love you so much!"

Man: "Bye. I love you, too." The man hangs up the phone and the other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. The man smiles and asks, "Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?"

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”

The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”

The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”

“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”

The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."

The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an adult film."

His father snorts and says, "When I was your age we didn't even know what pornography was!" This time the robot slaps the father

The mother sips her coffee and retorts, "Ha! He's your son, after all," and the robot slaps her.

A man is looking for a job and sees that the local zoo is searching for a zookeeper.

He goes for it but the director has a negative answer: "I'm so sorry but we just hired someone for the job but if you want, I can offer you something else. Our gorilla died this morning and tomorrow is Saturday so I can't get another gorilla that fast. If you want, we have a gorilla costume and if you wear that, it's just like the real thing. Also, it pays very well.

"Sure thing!" the man says, "and what do I need to do exactly?"
"Well", the director starts, "you need to go into the gorilla cage. There are a few ropes and you only need to swing a bit from one rope to another. That's it."

The man takes the job and the next morning he starts. He's trying to swing back and forth and to jump from one rope to another and by the time it's noon, he's getting quite good at it. A lot of people are looking at this spectacle. Suddenly he's so into it that he swings and he lands into the next cage.

A surprised lion appears and the man starts shouting "Help, help! Get me out of here!!" whereas the lion replies "Shut up fool! Or we both will be out of a job!!"

Thứ Sáu, 24 tháng 7, 2020

A transgender person cut me in line at the supermarket.

“You’re LGBT, right?” I asked.

“You forgot about the ‘Q’,” they replied bluntly.

“No,” I said, “you did.”

A burglar had broken into a house...

... and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching you!"

"What's going on?" he thought. He waited a little longer before continuing his search. Again, he heard "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar couldn't stand it any longer. He switched on his flashlight, and there, sitting on the perch, was a parrot.

"Was that you talking?" Asked the burglar.

"Yes," said the parrot.

"Well, you talk pretty well," said the burglar.

"I've been talking for fifty years," said the parrot.

"You gave me a fright when I came in," said the burglar. "What's your name?"

"Alfred," replied the parrot.

"That's a pretty weird name for a parrot," said the burglar.

"Yeah, but not as weird as 'Jesus' for a rottweiler."

I could tell you a COVID joke...

But it would take 2 weeks to see if you get it.

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Ever since I've needed a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude...

She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back

Why do Women and Children evacuate first during any type of disaster

So men can think of solutions in silence

Gay people jokes aren’t funny.

Cum on guys

A sinner dies and goes to Hell...

He is greeted by the Devil who says "You've got an eternity of suffering ahead of you to pay for your sins; but I'm in a good mood today, so I'll let you choose your punishment. Come along."

They walk down a path between the pits. In the first pit, sinners are being slowly roasted on a giant skillet. The new arrival says "How about something else?" In the second pit, sinners are being boiled alive in a great cauldron. Again, the new arrival doesn't want to join them. The third pit is filled waist-high with the most foul-smelling shit you can imagine, and sinners stand in it smoking cigarettes. The new arrival says "I think I can handle that", gets in, bums a cig off one of the other sinners and lights up.

The Devil then says, "Alright then! Smoke break's over, get back to eating shit!"

I like my women like I like my COVID...

19, breath-taking, and easily spreads

My son kept chewing electrical cables.

So i had to ground him.

My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver

Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it

[NSFW] A guy challenges his wife to say something that will make him both happy and sad at the same time...

his wife thinks for a bit then says to him: "your penis is bigger than your brother's"

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live.

As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, request that's always granted by the two.

Every time they stop to a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person.

At sunset the devil sees that Jack was very tired and decides to show him the house he'll be spending the rest of eternity into.

As they walk to Jack's new house the two pass close to a huge wall and Jack asks: "What's behind there?"

Satan: "Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind"

Despite his curiosity Jack thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he'd be back the following morning to show him the recreational center before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day.

That night however Jack kept thinking back at the whole situation he's in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day.

After a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn't even tell him he decided he should investigate, as such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was.

Once there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall.

Jack took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be.

On the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help.

Jack rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair.

The following morning Satan showed up once again and told Jack to come with him.

Jack pleaded: "PLEASE! PLEASE! Don't take me to hell, I'll do anything just let me stay here, I don't wanna burn for all eternity!"

Satan: "What are you talking about??? I'm just gonna show you the recreational center like I told you yesterday"

Jack: "Don't lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!"

Satan: "Ooooh you saw that! Don't worry that's not for you, that's the Christian hell"

Jack: "The christian hell? Why would the christian hell be like that?"

Satan: "I don't know either man, they just want it that way"

Thứ Năm, 23 tháng 7, 2020

Why can't I go to NSFW subreddits when I'm under 18?

It's not like I go to work???

The only thing a flat earther is afraid of

Is sphere itself.

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaude – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."

"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield,

Sir Prise.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only take 1 nail to hang the picture.

What did the Roman say when his wife was eaten by a tiger?

Gladiator

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'

A young woman visits a florist to buy some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?"

"Well, he's a handsome man, a really nice guy, and a wonderful lover, of course. And to top it off," he says, leaning into a whisper, "he's got a 10-inch cock!"

She giggles, blushing. "Sounds like a catch! Where can I find him?"

"He's just a block over. But fair warning...he's also a little...kooky. He's only interested in women named after flowers. So if I ever meet a woman with a flowery name, I send her his way."

He points at the rose. "Then, he sends me a flower as a thank you. Yesterday was Rose. A week ago, I recommended Violet to him," he says, indicating a slightly wilted violet in a vase behind him.

The woman thanks him and leaves, bitterly cursing her own name. Undeterred, she visits the well-endowed florist's shop. Stepping up to the counter, she pointedly says, "I heard you are particularly...skilled... in certain areas?"

He smirks. "So I have been told. And who might you be?"

She grins. "I was referred by your friend down the street. Perhaps you can...assist me?"

"Perhaps," he says, "but tell me...what is your name?"

She hesitates. Then, pouting slightly, she replies "Kristen, but everyone calls me Kris."

His smile falters, and his head sinks as he shakes his head. Kris's heart drops, knowing she's blown her chance.

"Well then...if it's not too much trouble, I'd like some flowers for my mother."

"Of course, what kind of...." Suddenly, he brightens up again. Without another word, he locks the shop door, swoops upon her, and takes her into his arms.

Three hours of mind-altering orgasms later, she bids him goodbye with a kiss, as he presents a complimentary bouquet for her mother.

"And please," he says, "tell your sweet mama she is welcome to as many flowers from my shop as she would like."

Flustered with ecstasy, she promises to convey the message, and calls her mother that night to tell her everything.

The next day, Kris feels incredible, and stops by the original florist's shop.

"I just wanted to thank you for telling me about that dashing gentleman! He was AMAZING!"

He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose I should thank you too. I just got another beautiful flower for recommending you to him."

"Really? What flower could he have possibly sent that was named after me?"

The florist sighs. "Chrysanthemum."

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.

The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, being a penguin, with flippers instead of hands, as well as a beak, he makes a huge mess and gets ice cream all over his face. Hoe goes back to the garage, where the mechanic tells him "looks like you blew a seal."

"No," says the penguin. "That's just ice cream."

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

A guy named Oedipus just hit me with a car.

That Motherfucker

13: “I’m the number everybody hates”. 666: “No way, I am the number everybody hates”.

2020: “lol”.

eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters, but all they had was 13,239 matches.

What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?

Rick O’Shea

If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..

Then my illegal logging business is a success.

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?

To the I-C-U

Thứ Tư, 22 tháng 7, 2020

A man named Jeff was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of Jeff’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”

Jeff replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”

“You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said.

The next day, the officer saw Jeff driving down the road once again. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said.

“I did,” Jeff replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."

"Well, obviously!" he replied.

"What do you mean?"

"It was your idea in the first place" her husband continued. "You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him."

"I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."

Y'all know what the best part of this quarantine is?

Several months of no school shootings.

Sometimes I like to put the punchline first

A lot of people asked me why the line for drinks is before the line for food, so I explained

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion Lee concludes and says “Dude you just need to be there for her. Comfort her and just be her anchor until she can get back on solid ground.”

From this a flurry of questions came to Rick

So Rick asked-Lee

How do I tell her I’m never gonna give her up

How do I tell her I’m never gonna let her down

How do I tell her I’m never gonna turn around and desert her?

How do I tell her I’m not gonna let her cry

And I’m never gonna say goodbye?

How do I say I’m never gonna lie and hurt her?

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus. Two days later, he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”

“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.”

“Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”

“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.”

“Can’t do that either” responds Jim.

“Why not?” asked the cop.

“Well, because I’m drunk! I could go to jail!"

NSFW A farmer sells his peaches door to door

A peach farmer decides to sell his peaches door to door. He knocks on an apartment door and this gorgeous lady wearing a teddy opens the door.
The farmer stutters in surprise and asks if she would like some peaches. He shows her one and “says they are firm, subtle and very nice to the touch.”.
The lady drops a strap to show one of her breasts and asks “are they as firm, subtle and nice to touch as this”.
The farmer stutters “No”. The farmer then says in looking at the peaches “you can see how perfect and juicy they are”.
The lady lifts up her teddy a little to expose almost all her legs and ask “more perfect and juicy as all this?”
The farmer stutters “No”.

The lady grabs him and pulls him into the apartment and shuts the door while saying “shh, someone’s coming.”
She steps back a few steps and drops the teddy to the ground.
She asks” That in looking at this body, what do you think is the perfect part?”
The farmer stutters, “Your hearing!!” “My hearing” she screams.
He replies; :”Yes, ma’am, when you heard someone coming - it was me!”

How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?

Give him a badge.

Lesbian cereal is so good..

You’ll want to eat the box

What do "The Sixth Sense" and "Titanic" Have In Common?

Icy dead people.

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang. The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door. A neighbour, Jack, was standing there. Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”. After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel. The neighbour looked at her, gave 1000$ and went his way. The wife again wrapped the towel around herself and returned to the bathroom.

“Who rang the bell?” - the husband asked.

“Jack, our neighbour” - she replied.

“Ohh great” - the husband added - “Did he say anything about the $1000 he owes me?”

There's a woman in the park sells batteries.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

Knock Knock

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Door mom.

Door mom who?

Door mom who, I've come to bargain!

So what are you in to ?

- I stalk people.

- Oh really ? Well, I like nature and running.

- I know.

How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

How I lost my job as a hairdresser.

I had just about finished styling a very wealthy lady's hair. I put down the hair dryer, and placed a hand mirror behind her head. "OK, how's that?", I asked.

She sniffed, and said "more volume."

"OK, HOW'S THAT!?"

Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 7, 2020

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

What's the difference between a terrorist training camp and a hospital?

I don't know, I'm just a simple drone pilot.

At age 13, I was blessed with an eight inch penis…

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: “Give me the bad news first.” So the policeman said: “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”

“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: “What’s the good news?”

“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her.” “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said: “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”

A young naive couple get married NSFW

After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.

‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.

His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses.

A few minutes later the dad gets another call, but this time it’s the daughter in law and she’s hysterical

‘You gotta come here quick. Dave’s got his head stuck in the toilet!’

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it- send me another one.”

(In memory of my dad who told that joke at every family gathering for 30 years.)

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

Two men are changing in a locker room when one notices a cork up the other guy's ass.

So he asks him, "How'd you get that cork up your ass?" And the guy says, "Well I was walking on the beach when I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and a genie popped out and said, "I am a genie, I will grant you one wish." So I said "No shit?"

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."

"Got it," she says, slipping off her panties and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."

He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.

"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your panties!"

"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."

With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time...

Until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him.

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication

It's for Hispanic attacks

NSFW Gay couple on a long flight

During a long night flight, right about everyone have fallen asleep, a gay man says to his partner: -"Hey, lets get freaky" -"No, someone will hear us!" -"No they won't, look everyone is asleep, I'll prove it to you!" "Can I get a glass of water?", he asks quietly. Nobody answers, crickets. "Can I get a glass of water?", this time loudly, but again same thing, nobody answers. His partner convinced, agrees and they get it on!

Next morning, flight attendant is walking down the isle and she sees an old man, he's just shivering from cold.

-"Sir, were you cold during night, why didn't asked for a blanket?"

-"Ask for a blanket?? A man asked for a glass of water and got fucked in the ass the whole night!"

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper

You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Thứ Hai, 20 tháng 7, 2020

I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said "Sister, I think it's your feet.” The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?" Little Johnny said "Well, I walked into mommy and daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying ‘Oh God, I'm coming.’ I gotta tell you, if dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"

These times are harder on people with disabilities.

My dwarf friend is struggling to put food on the table

A s‌‌ixteen y‌‌ear-old b‌‌oy c‌‌ame h‌‌ome w‌‌ith a‌‌ b‌‌rand n‌‌ew F‌‌ord F‌‌150.

His p‌‌arents l‌‌ook a‌‌t t‌‌he t‌‌ruck a‌‌nd a‌‌sk, "‌‌Where d‌‌id y‌‌ou g‌‌et t‌‌hat t‌‌ruck?!"

"I b‌‌ought i‌‌t t‌‌oday," h‌‌e s‌‌ays.

"With w‌‌hat m‌‌oney?" s‌‌ays h‌‌is m‌‌other. They k‌‌new w‌‌hat a‌‌ n‌‌ew F‌‌150 c‌‌ost.

"Well," h‌‌e s‌‌ays, "‌‌this o‌‌ne c‌‌ost m‌‌e j‌‌ust f‌‌ifteen d‌‌ollars."

The f‌‌ather l‌‌ooks a‌‌t h‌‌im l‌‌ike h‌‌e's c‌‌razy.

"Who w‌‌ould s‌‌ell a‌‌ t‌‌ruck l‌‌ike t‌‌hat f‌‌or f‌‌ifteen d‌‌ollars?" h‌‌e s‌‌ays.

"It w‌‌as t‌‌he l‌‌ady u‌‌p t‌‌he s‌‌treet," s‌‌ays t‌‌he b‌‌oy. "‌‌I d‌‌on't k‌‌now h‌‌er n‌‌ame -‌‌ t‌‌hey j‌‌ust m‌‌oved i‌‌n. S‌‌he s‌‌aw m‌‌e r‌‌ide p‌‌ast o‌‌n m‌‌y b‌‌ike a‌‌nd a‌‌sked m‌‌e i‌‌f I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o b‌‌uy h‌‌er F‌‌150 f‌‌or f‌‌ifteen d‌‌ollars."

"Oh m‌‌y G‌‌oodness!" s‌‌ays t‌‌he m‌‌other. "‌‌Maybe s‌‌he's m‌‌entally i‌‌ll o‌‌r h‌‌as A‌‌lzheimer's s‌‌omething. J‌‌ohn, y‌‌ou b‌‌etter g‌‌o s‌‌ee w‌‌hat's g‌‌oing o‌‌n."

So t‌‌he b‌‌oy's f‌‌ather w‌‌alks u‌‌p t‌‌he s‌‌treet t‌‌o t‌‌he h‌‌ouse w‌‌here t‌‌he l‌‌ady l‌‌ives a‌‌nd f‌‌inds h‌‌er o‌‌ut i‌‌n t‌‌he y‌‌ard c‌‌almly p‌‌lanting p‌‌etunias.

He i‌‌ntroduces h‌‌imself a‌‌s t‌‌he f‌‌ather o‌‌f t‌‌he b‌‌oy t‌‌o w‌‌hom s‌‌he h‌‌ad s‌‌old a‌‌ n‌‌ew F‌‌ord F‌‌150 t‌‌ruck f‌‌or f‌‌ifteen d‌‌ollars a‌‌nd a‌‌sks t‌‌o k‌‌now w‌‌hy s‌‌he d‌‌id i‌‌t.

"Well," s‌‌he s‌‌ays, "‌‌two d‌‌ays a‌‌go m‌‌y h‌‌usband l‌‌eft o‌‌n a‌‌ b‌‌usiness t‌‌rip. Y‌‌esterday I‌‌ g‌‌ot a‌‌ p‌‌hone c‌‌all f‌‌rom h‌‌is b‌‌oss a‌‌nd f‌‌ound o‌‌ut t‌‌hat h‌‌e r‌‌eally r‌‌an o‌‌ff t‌‌o H‌‌awaii w‌‌ith h‌‌is s‌‌ecretary a‌‌nd d‌‌oesn't i‌‌ntend t‌‌o c‌‌ome b‌‌ack."

"Oh, m‌‌y g‌‌oodness, I‌‌'m s‌‌o s‌‌orry," t‌‌he f‌‌ather s‌‌ays. "‌‌But w‌‌hat d‌‌oes t‌‌hat h‌‌ave t‌‌o d‌‌o w‌‌ith m‌‌y s‌‌on a‌‌nd y‌‌our t‌‌ruck?"

"Well, t‌‌his m‌‌orning h‌‌e c‌‌alled a‌‌nd t‌‌old m‌‌e h‌‌e w‌‌as s‌‌tranded b‌‌ecause h‌‌e g‌‌ot r‌‌obbed o‌‌f h‌‌is w‌‌allet w‌‌ith a‌‌ll h‌‌is c‌‌redit c‌‌ards a‌‌nd c‌‌ash. H‌‌e t‌‌old m‌‌e t‌‌o s‌‌ell h‌‌is n‌‌ew F‌‌150 a‌‌nd s‌‌end h‌‌im t‌‌he m‌‌oney. S‌‌o I‌‌ d‌‌id."

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $100 for doing what I do for you for free!”

Later that night, while on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m going to New York, too. I want to see you live on $200 a year!

I feel bad for children of gay couples.

They either suffer twice as many dad jokes or an endless cycle of ask your mother.

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”

“Oh...”,says the general...”it was probably 1950.”

“Oh my gosh!”, says the woman. “Well I’m sure it will all come back to you.”

So they end up in bed and it’s pretty wild. The general really has some skills.

When it’s all over, she says, “General, that was wonderful! I’m impressed that you haven’t forgotten a thing since 1950!”

And the general says, “Well I should hope not. It’s only 2130 now.”

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and pick up our search in the morning"

They knock on the door and an old man answers

They explain the situation, and the old man says:

"I'll be glad to have you stay the night, I even have a roast in my oven which is way too big for me to eat alone. Please come in."

The three explain their journey and misfortunes to the old man while they enjoyed a nice warm meal.

When it is time to sleep, the old man says:

"Alright, my friends, I'm off to bed. There are only two other beds in the guest bedroom, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn, which is nice, warm and cozy."

The Jewish man promptly says:

"Don't worry, I'll sleep in the barn and you two enjoy the comfortable beds in here."

And off he goes to the barn.

Five minutes later, knocking is heard on the old man's door. He answers.

"I'm sorry, guys. I would gladly sleep in the barn, but there is a pig in there, and, in my religion, pigs are considered dirty creatures, and not kosher, so I cannot sleep in the presence of it. One of you two will have to go in my stead."

"I'll go, it's no hassle, I'll go", says the Hindu.

Five more minutes pass, and again there's knocking on the door.

"I'm sorry too, guys. There is a cow in there, and in my religion they are most sacred creatures, and I am not worthy of sleeping in the presence of one. I can't sleep in there."

"Ugh, fine." Says Karen, ”If you can't bring yourselves to be gentlemen and leave a bed for this lady here, I guess I'll have to go sleep in the barn. But I swear this will not be the end of it, you two owe me."

And off she goes.

Five minutes later, again, knocking.

'Twas the pig and the cow.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't.

I don’t geddit.

Eddits:

Courtesy to The_maxi : I propose to add a function to remove awards and name it “regreddit“

A bus carrying many ugly people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died.

Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven."

The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish.

The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh.

The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder.

One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?"

The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"

What’s the difference between acne and a priest?

Acne waits till you hit puberty before coming on your face

How many Trump supporters do you need to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump just says it's repaired and they cheer him in the dark.

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes.

When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "But you said you won't be able to...."

• ⁠

"...pay you." replied the old man.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.....

A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.”

I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now", she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. I was weak ...

"Well, okay," I finally agreed, "However, I'm sure my wife won't like it."

After a couple of Scotch, I thanked her and said:

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open.

"Stay for a while, she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I suppose."

Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 7, 2020

This was my grandma's favorite joke. She was a trucker.

I was driving down the highway once and there was a hitch hiker trying to get a lift. I picked him up and asked him where to and proceeded on my route. About 15 minutes in he asked "aren't you afraid that I may be a serial killer?" To which I responded "nah, I don't think it's very likely that there will be 2 serial killers in the same truck at the same time"

George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Scott Lynch walk into a bar

I'll finish writing the rest of this joke soon.

A m‌‌an a‌‌ccidentally e‌‌lbows a‌‌ w‌‌oman's b‌‌oob a‌‌s s‌‌he i‌‌s s‌‌tanding b‌‌ehind h‌‌im i‌‌n a‌‌ h‌‌otel l‌‌obby.

T‌‌he m‌‌an a‌‌pologizes p‌‌rofusely a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌if y‌‌our h‌‌eart i‌‌s a‌‌s s‌‌oft a‌‌s y‌‌our b‌‌reasts, I‌‌ k‌‌now y‌‌ou'll f‌‌orgive m‌‌e."

To w‌‌hich t‌‌he w‌‌oman r‌‌eplied, "If y‌‌our d‌‌ick i‌‌s a‌‌s h‌‌ard a‌‌s y‌‌our e‌‌lbow, I‌‌'m i‌‌n r‌‌oom 3‌‌18."

I just can't ever see myself putting anything up my own butt

So I got a mirror.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. “Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?” “Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., mate! Give me £20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.

Passenger: Why should I wear a mask if your’s works?

Driver: Damn good point (turns off headlights)

Passenger: What are you doing? Its dark!

Driver: Chill, the other cars have them on.

How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Meat Patty

My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee

Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"

What did one Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?

Cool ranch.

(Written by my 9 yo daughter).

A priest checks into a hotel room and says to the front desk "I hope the porn is disabled"

The front desk lady says to him "no, it's just normal porn you sick fuck"

How do you survive a fall without a parachute?

Just like any other season

I don't like the term Anal Bleaching.

I prefer calling it Changing Your Ringtone.

The p‌‌olice c‌‌alled t‌‌o t‌‌ell m‌‌e t‌‌hat m‌‌y w‌‌ife w‌‌as i‌‌n t‌‌he h‌‌ospital.

"How i‌‌s s‌‌he?", I‌‌ a‌‌sked.

"Very c‌‌ritical", r‌‌eplied t‌‌he o‌‌fficer.

"The f‌‌uck i‌‌s s‌‌he c‌‌omplaining a‌‌bout n‌‌ow?"

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, “No!” and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him.

She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Geoffrey’s. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.

He whispers in her ear and she screams, “NO WAY, BUDDY!” and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she’s sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Geoffrey and says that she’s the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

He leans forwards and whispers in her ear, “Can I pay in Pounds?”

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 7, 2020

A married man was ashamed of his small dick.

To hide it from his wife, every night when they have sex, he turns off the light and uses a vibrator.

One day his wife decided to turn on the light for a change and saw the man with the vibrator.

She yelled, "What the hell are you doing, explain yourself!"

He calmly replied, "I will if you explain the kids."

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Nathan

the Erudite lawyer, the King's chief adviser. Nathan thought about this and said that he could arrange for Sid to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Sid readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Nathan got a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Nathan informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and Nathan advised that only the saliva of Sid would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Sid to their chambers. Nathan then slipped Sid the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Sid worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Sid left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Sid found Nathan demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Sid couldn't have cared less knowing that Nathan could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Nathan slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Sid.

A w‌‌oman p‌‌regnant w‌‌ith t‌‌riplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, a‌‌rmed m‌‌en s‌‌torm i‌‌n a‌‌nd t‌‌ry t‌‌o r‌‌ob t‌‌he b‌‌ank. A‌‌ s‌‌hootout o‌‌ccurs a‌‌nd t‌‌he w‌‌oman i‌‌s h‌‌it b‌‌y b‌‌ullets s‌‌everal t‌‌imes.

Shortly a‌‌fter, t‌‌he w‌‌oman i‌‌s b‌‌rought t‌‌o t‌‌he h‌‌ospital a‌‌nd g‌‌ets e‌‌mergency s‌‌urgery. T‌‌he s‌‌urgeon i‌‌s a‌‌ble t‌‌o r‌‌emove a‌‌ll b‌‌ullets e‌‌xcept t‌‌hree d‌‌ue t‌‌o e‌‌ndangerment t‌‌o t‌‌he t‌‌riplets.

The w‌‌oman g‌‌ets w‌‌ell s‌‌oon a‌‌nd g‌‌ives b‌‌irth t‌‌o t‌‌hree h‌‌ealthy t‌‌riplets, t‌‌wo g‌‌irls a‌‌nd o‌‌ne b‌‌oy. T‌‌he i‌‌ncident a‌‌t t‌‌he b‌‌ank g‌‌ets f‌‌orgotten o‌‌ver t‌‌he t‌‌ime.

Fourteen y‌‌ears l‌‌ater, o‌‌ne o‌‌f t‌‌he d‌‌aughters c‌‌omes t‌‌o h‌‌er m‌‌other, o‌‌bviously u‌‌pset: "‌‌Mommy, m‌‌ommy!"

M: "‌‌What's t‌‌he m‌‌atter, s‌‌weetie?"

D: "‌‌I h‌‌ad t‌‌o p‌‌ee, b‌‌ut t‌‌here w‌‌as a‌‌ '‌‌pling' a‌‌nd I‌‌ f‌‌ound a‌‌ b‌‌ullet i‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌owl. "‌‌

M: "‌‌Don't w‌‌orry, t‌‌his w‌‌on't h‌‌appen a‌‌gain."

One w‌‌eek l‌‌ater, t‌‌he s‌‌econd d‌‌aughter r‌‌uns t‌‌o h‌‌er m‌‌other, u‌‌pset: "‌‌Mommy, m‌‌ommy!"

M: "‌‌What's t‌‌he m‌‌atter, s‌‌weetie?"

D: "‌‌I h‌‌ad t‌‌o p‌‌ee, b‌‌ut t‌‌here w‌‌as a‌‌ '‌‌pling' a‌‌nd I‌‌ f‌‌ound a‌‌ b‌‌ullet i‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌owl. "‌‌

M: "‌‌Don't w‌‌orry, t‌‌his w‌‌on't h‌‌appen a‌‌gain."

Another w‌‌eek l‌‌ater, t‌‌he s‌‌on c‌‌omes t‌‌o h‌‌is m‌‌other, a‌‌lso u‌‌pset: "‌‌Mommy, m‌‌ommy!'

M: "‌‌What's t‌‌he m‌‌atter, s‌‌weetie? N‌‌o, w‌‌ait, l‌‌et m‌‌e g‌‌uess. Y‌‌ou h‌‌ad t‌‌o p‌‌ee a‌‌nd f‌‌ound a‌‌ b‌‌ullet i‌‌n t‌‌he b‌‌owl?"

S: "‌‌No, b‌‌ut I‌‌ w‌‌as j‌‌erking o‌‌ff a‌‌nd s‌‌hot t‌‌he c‌‌at!"

I tried hiding my boner

It was pretty hard

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth one orders an eighth of a beer. At this point, the bartender has enough, poors the mathematicians two beers and says: "There you go, split them yourselves."

Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.​If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.

Einstein says: Okay, it's your turn.

Mr. Bean asks: What's an animal that has four legs, but when it's crossing a street, it has three legs and when it's on the other side of the street, it has only two?

Einstein: Thinks hard for a while.

Einstein says: I give up. Gives 1000 dollars to Mr. Bean

Einstein asks: What is it?

Mr. Bean: gives a dollar to Einstein.

I have a lot of jokes on unemployed people...

But none of them work

An old man applies for a job

HR Manager: what's your biggest weakness?

Old Man: My honesty

HR Manager: I don't think that's a weakness

Old Man: I don't give a fuck what you think

I hate anti-maskers,

they make me sick.

During lockdown my next door neighbours 4 year old started learning Spanish.

He still can’t say ‘Please’ though, which is poor for four.

As I was driving past a prison yesterday, I saw a dwarf scaling down the wall. Confused , I stared up at him and he sneered back.

And I thought to myself, "well that's a little condescending."

After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

"Certainly," he replied.

I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said “I have some sad news.”

“Tell me, old friend” said the faithful Tonto.

“Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer”

“Bad spirits,” replied his old companion.

The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. “After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?”

“Chemo, sabe”

Ps this is my first joke post ever so I hope I did it right.

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

I started a business selling landmines as prayer mats.

The prophets are through the roof!

Three friends bragged about who has more sex....

Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"

Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."

Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."

Thứ Sáu, 17 tháng 7, 2020

‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e a‌‌n‌‌d a‌‌sks‌‌, “‌‌Wha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e h‌‌el‌‌l i‌‌‌‌s g‌‌oin‌‌g o‌‌‌‌n h‌‌ere?!‌‌”

T‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e r‌‌eplies‌‌, “Yo‌‌u s‌‌ee‌‌, t‌‌hi‌‌s m‌‌a‌‌n h‌‌a‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ s‌‌eriou‌‌s c‌‌onditio‌‌n w‌‌her‌‌e i‌‌‌‌f h‌‌‌‌e d‌‌oe‌‌s n‌‌o‌‌t m‌‌asturbat‌‌e p‌‌rofusel‌‌y e‌‌ver‌‌y 2‌‌‌‌ h‌‌ours‌‌, a‌‌‌‌ b‌‌loo‌‌d c‌‌lo‌‌t w‌‌oul‌‌d f‌‌or‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d h‌‌‌‌e w‌‌oul‌‌d s‌‌urel‌‌y d‌‌ie.‌‌”

“‌‌Oh‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ g‌‌ues‌‌s I‌‌‌‌ c‌‌a‌‌n u‌‌nderstan‌‌d t‌‌hat”, s‌‌ay‌‌s t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌an‌‌.

S‌‌‌‌o t‌‌he‌‌y k‌‌ee‌‌p w‌‌alking‌‌, a‌‌n‌‌d i‌‌‌‌n t‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌ex‌‌t r‌‌oo‌‌m h‌‌‌‌e f‌‌ind‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t r‌‌eceivin‌‌g a‌‌‌‌ b‌‌lo‌‌w j‌‌o‌‌b f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌. S‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌a‌‌n t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e e‌‌scortin‌‌g h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d p‌‌roclaims‌‌, “‌‌Ok‌‌, n‌‌o‌‌w y‌‌o‌‌u h‌‌av‌‌e s‌‌om‌‌e e‌‌xplainin‌‌g t‌‌‌‌o d‌‌o.‌‌”

T‌‌h‌‌e n‌‌urs‌‌e s‌‌hrugs‌‌, a‌‌n‌‌d t‌‌he‌‌n r‌‌eplies‌‌, “‌‌Sam‌‌e p‌‌roblem‌‌, b‌‌ette‌‌r h‌‌ealthcare.”

COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman

Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Passenger: why should I have to wear a mask if yours works?

Driver: damn good point turns off headlights

Passenger: what are you doing it’s dark

Driver: chill the other cars have them on

So the canadian navy is dropping all variations of "seaman" from its rank structure, in favor of something more gender neutral.

I'd say why bother? Its already... gender fluid

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading It's time to GO!, spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause?" he half-shouted at her.

The mother held up her hand and tried to pass, but the protester blocked her and continued. "It is imperative that we evacuate the colony! Did you know that the dirt we live in, that we raise our children in, contains magnesium and aluminum? And God knows what else!"

Again, she politely but firmly shook her head, pulling her daughter along as the man shouted after her, "You owe it to your little girl to evacuate now!!"

After they gained some distance, the young ant looked up worriedly at her mother. "Was that man right, Mommy? Are we in danger?"

The mother smiled. "No sweetheart, don't worry. Just because they use big words to try to scare us, doesn't mean the Ant Evacs movement has any idea what it's talking about."