You only need one nail to hang up the picture of Jesus
Thứ Ba, 30 tháng 6, 2020
A man accepts a job in a village with no women
Once there, he asks a local:
-There is really no women here?
-None.
-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?
-There is a donkey close to the river for that.
The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. After months in that village, every day the donkey seemed a little more attractive, so one day when a few other men asked him if he'd like to go to the donkey with them, he accepts. When he is close to the donkey, the man puts down his pants and one of the other locals yells:
-What you doing!?
-Aren't we...? Going to do the donkey thing?
-We going to ride the donkey across the river so we can get to the other village where we can meet women.
A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".
Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".
Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you a story" replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel'".
The woman protested "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my dear! Either way, the results will be the same"...
A great looking, young blonde is living in an old, badly mainentanced appartment with 3 neighbours.
One of them is a notorious gambler, one a passionate gardener and one lost his eyesight several years ago. They are very nice to her so one day she decides to pray for them in the hope of granting them a better life.
The next day she is taking a shower, when she hears someone knocking at the door.
So she is grabbing her bathrobe, steps out of the shower, puts it on and opens the door.
It is the gambler who is absolutely ecstatic in joy. He tells her "I won the lottery and am super rich now!" She is happy for him, they talk for a bit and then he takes a leave after telling her he will move to a villa tomorrow.
The next week she is showering again, when someone knocks at the door. Same procedure, she puts on the bathrobe and opens the door. This time it is the gardener, who tells her that he won a prize with one of his lettuces. He is also going to move to a bigger appartment. They talk for a while and the gardener leaves.
Another week later someone knocks again while the lady is showering. Since every other neighbour moved out, she expects the blind man. Knowingly she opens the door without a bathrobe on.
The blind man, crying in joy lets her know.
"It is a miracle, I can see again."
After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter."
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!? That can't be; I have so much to live for. I haven't said goodbye to my family and friends. You've got to send me back straight away."
St. Peter replied " Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
This isn't so bad he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you are the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here? "
"It's not so bad" replies Brian " but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You’re ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never" replies Brian.
"Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail.
An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him ever!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting ...
"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting in the bed".
Thứ Hai, 29 tháng 6, 2020
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.
I don't know if it was because she was still wearing it or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all.
Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified.
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads.
A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.
He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender "what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"
There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together
They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?
He said: one for me, and one for my brother in jail.
After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so you're brother is out of the jail?
He said: no, I stopped smoking.
A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.
Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”
The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.
Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”
The fellow said, "No thanks, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith." So Dr. Fauci went on.
So the fucking world came by - shouting “Wear a mask! Try social distancing. Stay inside your fucking house! It can save you!”
To this the fellow replied, "No thanks, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith."
So the world went on its way.
Then the man threw a surprise birthday party for a family member and 17 people got sick. One person died. Two more would be sick, and damaged for the rest of their lives.
There’s no punchline. This really happened. Wear a mask. Don’t be a fucking idiot.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.
His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.
But what a cookie.
It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field on a hidden Himalayan peak next to the ultimate source of the sacred Ganges River.
It was made with flour harvested from plants of the single-grained EinKorn found growing on the site of a Neolithic Anatolian village and ground between millstones of Lapus Lazuli.
It was made from eggs collected from Peahen nests in the remotest marshes of outback Australia.
It was made from sugar boiled from a cane garden in a secret valley in New Guinea.
It was flavored with a vanilla pod from the mysterious and still sacred original Vanilla Vine found by the Totonac people when they arrived in the Mazatlán Valley on the Gulf Coast of Mexico in the 15th century.
It had added flavor, as well, with chocolate chips made from the beans of a Cacao tree found on the site of a previously undiscovered Mayan temple.
When Roger's grandfather died, the cookie was baked by Gordon Ramsey in a kitchen built exclusively for the purpose.
It was the most expensive cookie ever baked and its ingredients consumed the entire fortune.
The lawyers delivered the cookie to the anorexic Roger as his entire inheritance. Understandably, all the other relatives were more than a little put out and they paid Roger a visit.
They all wanted their share of the fortune but they couldn't find it because it had disappeared into the thin heir.
A man walks into a bakery and asks the store owner if he has a thousand loaves of bread
The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”
The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”
The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”
The same thing happens the next day. At the end of the day the store owner decides to make a thousand loafs of bread in the hopes of making a huge profit!
The store owner spends all weekend working hard and makes a thousand loafs of bread.
On Monday, the man walks into the store again and asks the owner “do you have a thousand loaves of bread?”
The owner smiles and replies “Yes, today we do indeed!”
The man shakes his head and says “it’s going to be a bitch selling all of them”
And walks away
A college student walks up to a farmer asks:
"Excuse me Sir, I couldn't help but notice that on the far north end of you property, I saw some cottonwood trees.
Would it be okay if I go and harvest me a few bags?"
The farmer scratches his head and says "Everybody knows you can't get cotton from a cottonwood tree."
"Well, Sir. I am an educated man and I think I can."
The farmer allows him to go and a few hours later the student comes back with two overstuffed bags.
"See, Sir. I told you I'm educated."
The farmer is amazed.
A few weeks later, the same college student comes up the drive and says "Excuse me sir, but on the west end of your property, I saw some honeysuckle, and I was wondering if it would be okay to get a few jars of honey?"
The farmer says "Come on, Son. Everyone knows you can't get jars of honey from honeysuckle. But go ahead."
A few hours later, the student returns with two big jars of honey.
"See, sir? I've told you I'm educated."
A few weeks later the student returns a third time.
"Excuse me, Sir? I couldn't help but notice that on the far south end of your property, you have some pussywillow."
"Son" , the farmer says. "Let me grab my hat."
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
Bump…
Bump…
Bump…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
Bump…
Bump…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.
Faster…
Faster…
FASTER…
Bump…
Bump…
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!
And…
The coffin stops….
An American man gets married to a British woman
Before the big night, his father tells him: "Tonight I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.
Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation
And finally I want you to take of your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation."
After the big night the father asks his son: "So how was it ?"
Son: "Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation"
Father: "Good!"
Son: "Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation"
Father: "Yeah!"
Son: "And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation"
Father: "Very Good! And then what did you do ?"
Son: "I jacked off in front of her"
Father: "What ? Why would you do that for ?"
Son: "To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!"
My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.
A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.
“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”
So, God waves his hand and a juicy steak and plum brandy appear in front of the man. He devours it. Whilst eating the steak the man thought of his second wish.
He asked, “God, can you make sure my children and grandchildren stay safe and healthy until it’s their time to go? I want them to live long lives.”
God thought over the idea of protecting the mans family and eventually agreed, “Sure, you’ve been a holy man all your life, it’s the least I could do.”
The man thought long and hard of what he wanted for his final wish. After a few minutes he inquired,
“God, I’ve always wanted to visit America but I was too scared to fly or go by boat, is it possible to build a road spanning the ocean so that I can drive to America in my car?”
God thought about it for a few minutes and responded, “I’m sorry but I’m afraid a project like that is going to take forever. Do you wish of anything else?”
The man thought, “God, I would consider myself a good man, a holy man. But, I’ve been married and divorced 4 times. I just don’t understand it. Can you grant me the power to understand women’s logic and reasoning?”
God, surprised by the question, took a few minutes to think and eventually responded,
“Sir, about that road, would you like 1 or 2 lanes?”
John is making love with his wife
John and his wife are living in an apartment complex and they make love pretty regularly. Every night when they do it the wife moans uncontrollably.
One day, John's old neighbor, Peter approaches him.
-Hey John, uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but every night when you make love to your wife me and the rest of the neighbors can hear her moan and she's a bit too loud.
-I am sorry Peter. But I'm sure it's not that bad.
-Trust me, it is. It keeps us awake. Could you please do something about it?
-What do you suggest sir?
-I don't know, maybe put your hands above her mouth to stop the noise.
-I will give it a try tonight Peter.
The night comes and John starts making love to his wife again, this time however, he puts his hands over her mouth to stop the moaning. 1 hour into the sex and he screams :
-How is this Peter, is this better?
The neighbor hears him and responds "Yes, that's good".
Another hour passes and John asks again : What about now, how is this? is this good?
Peter wakes up and answers him again "Yes John, that is alright, keep it going".
After another hour John wants to hear the neighbor opinion and asks "Peter, you sure this is good enough?
Peter wakes up and scream "Shut up already, the neighbors think you're fucking me".
Chủ Nhật, 28 tháng 6, 2020
A man goes to a bar the day before a big competition
He walks up to the bartender and asks for the hardest drink possible.
The bartender gives him the hardest drink and the man shoots it back.
After four drinks the bartender asks “what are you drinking so much for?”
The man says “Well tomorrow I’m going on a TV competition, and I’m a bit nervous”
The bartender asks “What’s the competition? Jeopardy? Survivor?”
The man goes “No, it’s a baking competition where we have to show a recipe, and I’ve been working on this Carrot Cake recipe for ages.”
The bartender satisfied with the answer gives him the drink.
After two more drinks the bartender cuts him off and the man, drunk off his mind, walks out of the bar, passed his car leaving it behind, and goes to his mother’s house.
The next day he wakes up, looks at his phone and realizes he has fifteen minutes to get to the studio for the baking competition.
Scrambling for his keys he runs out of his mothers house and yells:
“Where’s my car ma? It’s my cake’s day
How many Karens did it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.
She just holds the lightbulb in the socket and expects the rest of the world to revolve around her.
I tried to translate joke from Arabic
Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands, One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with Johnason I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"
next day they the second woman said "I had the best sex in my life yesterday, I used your way, I touched Adam's dick and found it cold, and told him do you need a little heat down there? And then we stared making sex
The following day the third woman stared to cry "What happened" they said She told them that she got divorced - I tried to do the same thing with my husband but I found that his dick is warm so I said "Why your dick isn't cold like Johnson and Adam's dick ?"
A small joke I remembered
Boss: if I find you sleeping on the job one more time, you're fired!
Employee: sorry boss
Boss: ok, now go and do the sheep inventory
Employee: oh no
I wanna see if this hindi joke can withstand translation
A customer ordered a cup of tea in a local tea shop.
So, a guy brought it for him but dipped his fingers in it.
The customer asked "Hey moron, why are you dipping your fingers in my tea?"
The boy replied, "My finger is injured and the doctor advised me to keep it warm."
The customer said, "Then shove it up your ass!"
Then the boy said, "Yeah,thats where I keep it when I am not carrying tea".
A plane climbs too high and passes by heaven.
The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and tells the cabin that if they look to their right, they'll see the pearly gates and the shining city beyond.
The passengers marvel at the sight, but one man spots his daughter who died from cancer the previous month. He rushes to the emergency exit, where another man has already opened the door. Both of them leap out of the plane together over the protests of the flight attendant, only to find that the clouds don't support their weight.
After some time falling, he turns to the other, terrified man, and says,"Well, we won't be able to visit our deceased relatives the way we would have liked, but at least we'll see them today, one way or another."
"That's not what bothers me," says the other man. "What bothers me is that we passed the ground a while ago and didn't stop!!"
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships. They decide that night to surprise their men. All three would wear a black leather bra and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes. A few days later they met.
The engaged woman said: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then we made love all night long. The mistress said: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex for hours. The married woman said: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door, looked at me and said:
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.
His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.
"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."
"Your problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"
"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."
A man sits down at a bar and see a jar full of $10 bills.
He asks the bartender, “Hey barkeep! Whats up with this jar of money?” The bartender replies, “The game is simple. Put in $10, complete a challenge, and you win the jar.” The man is intrigued and slides in a $10 bill. “Alright, whats the challenge?” “First, you have to drink this entire bottle of peppered vodka without making a face. Next, theres a pitbull out back with a sore tooth - pull the tooth without dying. Lastly, my grandmother is upstairs and hasn’t had release in forever - you have to bring her to orgasim. Then you’ve got your jar of money!” The man looked at the bar tender and said “No way in hell am I doing that!!” Suddenly, a drunk man comes stumbling over and grabes the bottle of peppered vodka. He downs the whole bottle. But despite tears pour from his eye, he keeps a straight face. He slams down the bottle and runs out back. You hear barking, followed by screaming, then whimpering and suddenly... silence.
After a moment the man bursts back in and shouts “Alright! Now wheres the old lady with the sore tooth??”
I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
Thứ Bảy, 27 tháng 6, 2020
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
Seven Lessons of Life
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…
“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say
Lesson 3:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity
Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up
Lesson 5:
Power of Charisma
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
- Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
- Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
- And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
Lesson 7:
The Psalm 129 and it doesn't contain the words "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
Don't believe everything posted on Reddit, dummy
A couple is walking down St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve when they feel a slight precipitation.
"It's raining", says the man.
"No, it's snowing", replies the woman.
"How about we ask this communist officer here. He's always right", suggests the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or is it snowing?"
"Definitely raining", replies Officer Rudolph before walking off.
The man turns to his wife and says, "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
Thứ Sáu, 26 tháng 6, 2020
A couple decided that they are ready to have sex
The girl planned it so the boy would come home to meet her parents and they would sneak off to her room to lose their virginities together. The boy was ecstatic. He knew he had to acquire condoms but knew nothing about them as he was only 16. He decided to go to a pharmacist to ask some questions. He told the pharmacist all about his plan to lose his virginity with his gf and asked him many question. The pharmacist was happy to answer all of the young boys questions as he's reminiscing about his youth and the night he lost his virginity. The pharmacist ends up talking to the boy for quite a while as he educated the boy about everything he needed to know. Their conversation even got a little unprofessional at times. It's just the two enjoyed their little talk so much neither of them could help it. Figuring the couple were probably going to start having a lot of sex they opted to get the value 50 pack.
The boy goes to have dinner with his girlfriend and her family. When he gets to the dinner table the boy drops his head in prayer. After the parents and girlfriend were finished praying they realised the boyfriend still hung his head in prayer. Minutes pass by and he's still praying.
The girl was shocked " I didn't know you were so religious!?"
"I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Police officer: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.
Me: Still in training, huh?
Police officer: What do you mean?
Me: Nevermind
A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer are staying at the same hotel.
One night, the engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.
Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.
Finally the mathematician awakens, and finds that the embers of the fire are still burning. After giving much thought to the problem, he gets up and lights it back up to an actual fire. Following this, he goes back to sleep, satisfied that the problem has been reduced to a previously solved one.
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man:
"Are you aware of how fast you were going?" The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in." The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?" The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?" "Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man. "Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car." The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"
God and Satan arranged a basketball game between Heaven and Hell.
"I know for a fact we are gonna win," said God. "We have all the best players up here...Wilt Chamberlain, Moses Malone, Kobe Bryant, and so on."
"I wouldn't count on that, God," said Satan. "You see, down here, we have all the referees."
Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"
He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
Thứ Năm, 25 tháng 6, 2020
An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...
After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,
Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.
He further gives him a small glass bottle.
Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.
Next day the old man brings back the bottle but to the Doctor's surprise the bottle was completely clean and empty.
Doctor: What happened?
Old Man: After I went home, I first tried with my left hand,nothing happened. So, I shifted to the right hand but still no result.
Then, I asked my wife for some help, She first tried with the left hand and repeated the same with the right hand, She even went ahead and used her mouth but still nothing changed.
Doctor: Then, What Happened?
Old Man: Then, We called our next door young neighbor for the help, She tried the same with both the hands and then tried with the mouth but no progress was made.
Doctor: Wait, What? You even tried with your neighbor?
Old Man: Yes, But this fucking Bottle Still won't open.
A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.
A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
With a blush she stammers, "Well, bitch is a fancy word for a lady and bastard is a fancy word for a gentleman. Now run upstairs and tell your sister to get ready for dinner."
He quickly runs up to his sister's room and hears strange noises coming from behind the door. He curiously puts his ear to the keyhole and hears "Yes! Put your cock in my pussy!" Astounded, he runs to his father and asks, "Daddy daddy! What is a 'cock' and 'pussy?'" In the midst of shaving, his father explains, "Well, a cock is a hat and a pussy is a coat."
"Oh!" the young boy replies. "I wish I had a nice pussy to use for Christmas!" Taken aback at his son's use of his new vocabulary, he cuts himself across the cheek. "Shit!"
"Daddy? What's 'shit?'"
"Ummmm, 'shit' is the brand of shaving cream I use. Why don't you see if your mother needs help in the kitchen?"
Confused but overjoyed to learn so much in a day, the boy runs downstairs, prepared to thrill his mother with his knowledge. "Momma!"
Surprised, she cuts herself across the hand. "FUCK!"
"Momma, what's 'fuck?'"
"Well, sweetie, 'fuck' is a special way of carving the turkey so everyone gets a slice."
At that moment the doorbell rings.
"That must be your grandparents. Answer the door please while I bandage this up."
The boy runs to the door, flings it open to find his grandparents on the front stoop. Without a moment to spare, he greets his guests:
"Good afternoon bitches and bastards! May I take your cocks and pussies? It's just me right now. My father is upstairs wiping shit off his face and mother is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians.
The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray.
They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians.
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Tequila.
"What are you celebrating?"
"My first blowjob."
"Congratulations! In that case, number 7 is on the house."
"Buddy, if 6 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;
“What’s for dinner honey?
No answer. He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer. He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
A reporter walks into a bar
A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.
"Best day? Well, that must've been the day that Old Man Jones asked me for help. You see, his pretty little wife had wandered out and gotten lost in the bayou. So we put together a search party and went looking for her. Just before sundown, we found her..."
This is great, thinks the reporter.
".. and then we all fucked her. Best damn day of my life."
"Holy shit," yells the reporter, "that's terrible. I can't print that. Here, have another drink, and tell me about the second-best day of your life."
"Second-best, huh? That might've been the day Jim Bob's prize hog broke out of its pen and got lost in the bayou. He was mighty attached to that hog, so we put together a search party and went looking. Just before sunset we found it. Then, we all fucked it. Not as great as Mrs. Jones, but pretty damn good."
"Damn it, man, I can't possibly print that story," says the reporter despairingly. He decides on a different tack. "How about another drink, and you tell me about the worst day of your life?"
Hillbilly's face falls. "Worst day of my life? Well, that had to be the day I got lost in the bayou..."
Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Letter 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny. Johnny knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over. Letter 2: Dear God, this is your friend Johnny. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Johnny. Johnny knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again. Letter 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Johnny. Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johnny wrote a fourth letter. Letter 4: God, I know I haven’t been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Johnny. Johnny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
Now, Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked, as Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner", Johnny's mother told him. Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Johnny went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5: God, I’VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND ME THE BIKE!!!
A man sunbathes in the nude and burns his penis
His doctor tells him to dip it in a cup of milk to ease his pain. His wife comes home and finds him with his willy in a cup of milk. She remarked, " I always used to wonder how you reloaded it"
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yup. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yup.""Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Trump is dead?" the sheriff shouted. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is!"
Thứ Tư, 24 tháng 6, 2020
So i saw some people translating jokes so here is a Turkish one. One day a Japanese man walks into a bar in Turkey...
One day a Japanese man walks into a bar in Turkey and challenges everyone in the bar for a fight.
-Are there anyone who believes he can defeat me ?
Temel gets up and walks to the door saying:
-I can do it. Let's see what you are made of.
A few minutes later Temel walks in covered in blood and Japanese man walks after him all proud. Pointing at Temel he says:
-I hit him with katakori technique of Master Toyokumi.
Following day Japanese man comes to bar and challenges everyone again. Temel again accepts the challenge and they both walk out. Few minutes later Temel walks in covered in blood and after him Japanese man all proud:
-I hit him with Kihotomi technique of Master Kuyotomi.
Same thing after day and day after that "I hit him with Kimanto technique of Toyhoma", "I hit him with Kohimato technique of Tiyatoki" one week passes like that.
At the eight day again Japanese man challenges everyone again Temel accepts but this time Japanese man comes in covered in blood and Temel follows after him all proud. He says shouting:
-I hit him with Kriko (Tyre jack in Turkish) of Toyota
In celebration of my very first Cake Day, I'm reposting one of my own jokes:
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.
A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"
"It's hard to say."
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
NSFW
So as a young marine gets on his ship he asks the captain what he is to do about his sexual urges. The captain takes him to the bottom of the ship into a room with blue lights. In the middle of the room there is a barrel with a hole in it. The captain looks at the young man and says “this barrel will give you the best sex you have ever had.” The young marine looks at him and says “there is no way for I have slept with a hundred women” the captain says “I’ll be back in 30 minutes to check back in on you” As the man does his due on the barrel he finishes before the captain comes back. As the captain walks in he goes “ damn that was the best sex I’ve ever had. I could do that every day” The captain looks at him and says “ you can do it as many times as you want, 6 days a week” The man replies “6 days a week? What day isn’t it used” The captain replied “ Thursday, that’s your day in the barrel”
I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain!
On the left side, there is nothing right.
On the right side, there is nothing left.
German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."
"With who?"
"Thomas."
"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 6, 2020
Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.
God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians
He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”
He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. You are isolated, and the land is a desert. You will work every day and will get very little in return. It will be harsh, but you will be hardened by it. You will find it hard, but you will call it home.”
The Australians reply “This is so unfair, why do the Canadians get good land and prosperity and we only get the harsh land, the scraps!?”
He replies “They do. But I didn’t tell the Canadians about their neighbours.”
Sorry if I offend anyone, this is my first post here.
I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...
A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a bitch was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you
A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"
The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright, now suck my dick!" "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!"
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!"
A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.
"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"
"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"
"Ok, make it $500"
"No! Get away from me!"
"How about $1000?"
"I said, no!"
"$10,000, cash."
"Okay, fine!"
Both goes to a dark alley and she remove her top and bra. He grabs her boobs and starts to suck on them. He squeezes them, kisses them, blows on them, licks them, and does everything but biting them.
"Well, aren't you gonna bite them?"
"Nah, too expensive!"
A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.
He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.
The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”. The young Italian girls sheepishly walks up the stairs. She comes running back saying “momma I can’t do it, I’m too nervous.” The mom said “I’m cooking, you need to go up there and fulfill your duties!” The daughter comes bolting down the stairs 5 minutes later and exclaims “Momma Momma, he has a foot and a half!” The mom calmly put her towel down and said “you finish cooking, I’ll take care of your wifely duties.”
My papaw told me that joke a week before he passed away. Still cracks me up.
Getting Married in Heaven
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?
A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ...
A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ‘
Job Vacancy- apply within. Applicants must:
1.) be able to type at least 80 words per minute.
2.)must be good at computers.
3.)must be bilingual
After weeks of having no applicants, a dog walked into the office and much to the manager’s perplexity, pointed to the sign. The manager said “ I like your interest but as much as I need someone to take this position, I’m afraid you’re just not qualified enough for the job. You need to be able to type at least eighty words per minute and I don’t see how that’s possible with your chubby paws”.
The dog, without a word hopped onto a stool near the typewriter and miraculously typed just over a hundred words within the minute. The manager was both surprised and confused but he proceeded to say “ I’m sorry, I still can’t give you the job because you need to be good at computers”
At this, the dog grabbed a keyboard and proceeded to hack into and shut down every security camera in the building.
The manager was dumbfounded but managed to say:” I’m sorry, but the final requirement is that you have to be bilingual.”
At this, the dog looked at him in the eye for a good minute and confidently said “Meow!”
A man approached a very beautiful woman
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."
After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.
He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”
The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and asks to be measured from fingertip to fingertip. He gets 5 million dollars.
The second soldier stands upright and asks to be measured from head to toes. He gets 6 million dollars.
The third soldier asks to be measured from dick to balls.
“Are you sure?” the general asks, baffled.
The soldier nods and unzips his pants. The general simply shrugs and begins to measure his dick. Then, he stops.
“Soldier, where are your testicles?”
“At Vietnam, sir.”
A man is staying in a hotel.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry ma'am, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?”
The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
Thứ Hai, 22 tháng 6, 2020
What do you call it when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam
My 5 year old told me this joke and he thought it was the most hilarious thing ever lol
An assistant to Donald Trump
An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.
There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.
Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.
Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.
It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!
Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!
By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"
His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. “Well” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug, Do you want a bed near the window?”
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night
She leans in to my mom and says “When is Mother’s Day?”
My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says “Nine months after fathers night”
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".
The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."
"A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical.
"Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job."
The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.
The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.
The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."
"A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks.
"A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach...
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.
"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan.
"Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What's that about?"
"Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.
Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,
wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
A girl once said about me "He's the one!"
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “the driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Chủ Nhật, 21 tháng 6, 2020
An American and an Englishman are about to be executed
The American is put before the executioner and is asked: "What are your final 3 wishes ?"
The American replies: "My first wish is to smoke one last cigarette"
They bring him one last cigarette, he somkes it and the executioner asks him: "Your 2nd wish ?"
American: "To drink one last shot of wiskey before I die"
They bring him one shot of wiskey, he drinks it and the executioner asks: "And your final wish ?"
American: "I wish I was burried near George Washington"
So he is executed an burried near Washington.
Then comes the Englishman's turn.
When asked about his first wish he replies: "I want to skate on that lake over there".
Executioner: "But it's not frozen."
Englishman: "No problem. We'll wait until it freezez!"
They waited until winter came, the lake froze and the Englishman skated on it.
Executioner: "Your 2nd wish ?"
Englishman: "To swim in the lake"
Executioner: "But now it's frozen"
Englishman: "No problem. We'll just wait until it defrozez"
They waited until summer came, the lake unfroze and the Englishman swam in it.
Executionar: "And your final wish ?"
Englishman: "To be burried near Queen Elizabeth II"
Executioner: "But she's not dead."
Englishman: "No problem. We'll just wait until she dies!"
This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling
A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back with your answer.”
After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s no way you’re fucking me in the ass!”
“Alright then, guess you’re sucking my cock.”
So she starts to suck him off and quickly spits it out and looks up at him.
“Your dick tastes like shit!”
“Yeah well, the dogs didn’t want to go hunting either.”
In high school, I was dared to play "gay chicken", which is where two straight guys pretend to be gay, and the first one to chicken out loses
. The other guy and I are both really stubborn, and neither one of us wanted to lose. We've been married 14 years and we run a bed and breakfast in Vermont with out adopted daughter. If that dude doesn't chicken out soon, I'm going to start to suspect that he's actually gay
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
My 3 year old daughter asked
My 3 year old daughter asked: “Where does poo come from?”
I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: “You just had breakfast?”
“Yes”, she replied.
“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what’s left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.”
She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: “And Tigger?”
A man notices his wife's butt is getting big
I bet your butt is as big as my grill."
His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.
That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not tonight," says his wife.
He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?"
Thứ Bảy, 20 tháng 6, 2020
In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant
However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.
Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"
Trump: "You're fired!"
Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"
Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"
Juan: "Oh, no problemo, jefe! Yo go y finish high school and return to work!"
Juan finishes high school, comes back to work and Trump calls him again.
Juan: "Si, jefe ?"
Trump: "You're fired!"
Juan: "Que ?! Why ?! Yo finish high school !"
Trump: "Yeah, but.... um.... you didn't finish college!"
Juan: "No problemo! Yo finish college too Jefe!"
Juan finishes college too and comes back to work again only for Trump to call him again.
Juan: "What now, jefe ?"
Trump: "You're fired!"
Juan: "Que?! Why ?! Yo finish both high school y college! Why you fire me this time ?"
Trump: "Because.... uh....um. Ok, here's the truth! You're a Mexican immigrant and I don't like you working here!"
Juan: "No problemo! Yo become Americano and come back to work!"
So Juan gains American citizenship, learns perfect English, converts to Protestantism, embraces American culture, changes his name to John and comes back to work.
Only for Trump to call him again.
John: "Why do you wanna see me, boss ?"
Trump: "You're fired!"
John:"What! Why ? I finished high school, I finished college, I became an American! What more do you want from me ?!"
Trump: "Well, the last 3 times I fired you, my critics accused me of being a racist for always firing the only Mexican worker. So in order to prove them wrong, I decided to fire an American this time."
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Don't drink water while studying...
Why?
Because chemistry says that concentration decreases while adding water.
Note: My first attempt. Thanks.
My favourite joke :)
A guy driving a nice new Mercedes parks along the side of a road and opens the door but a car drives by at the same time and rips the door off the car before coming to a stop.
The Mercedes driver runs up to the car and starts yelling at the driver: ‘look at what you’ve done to my brand new Mercedes, it’s completely wrecked!’
The other driver replies: ‘wow you’re a real capitalist pig, you care so much about your stupid car you haven’t even realised your arm has been ripped off your body!’
Hearing this the Mercedes driver panics and shouts: ‘oh fuck, my Rolex!’
An Engineer goes to Hell.
The first thing he notices is, it's awful hot. So he goes and checks the A/C system, and notices a missing belt. He replaces it, and soon it's a cool 78F.
The next thing he notices, is that all the TVs are showing nothing but static. He checks the satellite dish, and sees it's misaligned. He makes some adjustments, and soon every TV is showing 500 channels of HD entertainment.
Finally, he goes to the bar, but the bartender says they haven't had beer for ages. The Engineer checks the tap, finds a faulty valve, and replaces it.
God looks down and says, "What the Hell's going on down here? Everybody's having fun!"
Satan says, "Well ever since you sent us that Engineer, things just seem to get better and better."
"An Engineer?" says God. "There must be some mistake. I would never send you an Engineer! I demand you send him back."
But Satan refuses.
"If you don't send him back," says God, "I'll sue!"
Satan looks at him, astonished.
"Where are YOU going to find a LAWYER?"
A woman pregnant with triplets was shot in the belly three times.
She was rushed to the hospital and was assessed. The doctor told her “each one of your babies has been shot, but the good news is that the wounds are not life threatening. And even better news where they were shot, the bullets will come out on their own.” The mother is patched up and gives birth a month later to two healthy girls and one healthy boy.
Eighteen years later one of the girls ran up to their mother in tears, “mom! I was having a tinkle and a bullet came out of me!” Mom calmed the daughter down and explained what happened before she was born. The next day the second of the two girls ran to her mother crying, “Mom! I went to have a tinkle and this bullet came out of me!” Again, the mother calmed her daughter down and explained what happened to her before she was born.
The next day the son ran to his mother in a panic, “Mom! MOM!!!” Mother replies, “let me guess, you went to tinkle and a bullet came out?” Son replies, “No! I was jerking off and I shot the dog!!!!”
So there is a Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist in a boat fishing.
The priest says "Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land" and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.
The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situation, the rabbi says "Oh Yahweh help me, I forgot my bait!" And he also steps out of the boat, and walks across the water back to the land to grab his bait, before walking back to the boat.
The atheist was stunned, but refusing to believe in divinity of any sort or it's impact on the world, he says "Yeah... I left my extra line on land". The atheist hips out of the boat and onto the water, and goes to walk across, but falls right through to the bottom of the lake.
After a moment the priest looks at the rabbi and says "Come to think of it, we probably should have told him where the rocks were."
Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
I approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”
"Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like shit. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime." ......
I had to let Jack go.
Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 6, 2020
Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.
They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooled, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.
The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. He was then cooked, eaten, and skinned.
The second man, a Frenchman, decided he wanted to be killed by the gun. He was immediately shot, and the same happened to his body.
The third man, an American, said “I’d like to be stabbed all over with a fork until I die.” Puzzled, a member of the tribe began stabbing him. After about 20 minutes, the American was still clinging to life. The tribesman said “why?! Why did you choose this way of death?! We’re cannibals but even we don’t like to see this kind of torture!”
The American looked up at the tribesman and said “F*CK YOUR CANOES!”
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.
“Now what?”, responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...
During sex, she is moaning and basically screaming “C'est le mauvais trou”. He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he’s pleasing her. Over and over again, “C'est le mauvais trou!”
The next day, he’s playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says “C'est le mauvais trou!”
The client replies “What the hell do you mean that’s the wrong hole?!”
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!"
The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!" The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me." She then collapses and dies from polio.
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on it's way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
It was revealing when Americans bought toilet paper at the start of the COVID-19 Crisis
It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, The Average American only cares about his own ass.
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?", she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?", he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?", she exclaimed.
"Watching the game with my son-in-law", he replied.
Why do Boomers make the best sugar daddies?
They're the best at fucking future generations.
Edit: u/squee45 for the superior punchline.
Thứ Năm, 18 tháng 6, 2020
Sunday School
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'"
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry ."
Two drunk friends were talking in a bar.
Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.
Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?
Man 1: Since yesterday.
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
“Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...
They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.
Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he tells his captors everything he knows.
Finally, they take the Italian and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. The other two men could here him crying out in pain for nearly ten hours as he was tortured, but his captors couldn’t get him to tell them anything, so they let him go.
When the three men regrouped outside, the Englishman took a sip of whiskey from a flask and set his hand on the shoulder of the Italian, asking, “So, howd’ya go so damn long and not say anything?” To which the Italian replied, “How could I have talked with my hands tied behind my back?”
Thứ Tư, 17 tháng 6, 2020
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."
"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."
So they did.
Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.
And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
A man dies and goes to hell...
He is standing there terrified when the devil shows up.
“Don’t be so scared” says the devil. “Hell isnt all that bad. Here I’ll give you an example. Do you like gambling?”
“Sure” says the man.
“Well Monday is casino day in hell” says the devil. “We have all the games and you can gamble all day and all night... all comped”
“How about smoking, you like smoking” asks the devil.
“Yes” says the man
“Tuesday is smoking day. We have cigars and cigarettes from all over the world and you can smoke to your heart’s content. And nothing can happen to you because you’re already dead”
“Wow” says the man”
“Do you like drugs?” Asks the devil
“Yes!” The man says
“Well Wednesdays you can do ANY drug you like for as long as you like. Cocaine, acid, ecstasy, whatever you want, we have... and you can never OD because you’re already dead”
“Amazing” says the man
“You gay?” Asks the devil
“No” the man says
“Oh...” the devil says... “well you’re gonna hate Thursdays”.
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme
...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."
"I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."
All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory
At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control
A desert island with six women
A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to his joy, he found a man washed up on the beach who would be able to take some of the workload from him. However, his hopes were shattered when the man's first words were, "Hi, gorgeous, how about the kiss of life?"
'Oh f*ck,' thinks the man, 'there goes Mondays.'
Without a mask on, I shopped at a store that had a strict mask policy.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :_(
Thứ Ba, 16 tháng 6, 2020
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.
Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?
Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.
Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.
Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.
Doctor: Exactly.
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh"
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign"
Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
Thứ Hai, 15 tháng 6, 2020
Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: “Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind.”
- I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and again counted my flock, there were ten again! With relief I set off again, but when I decided to count the donkeys again, there were nine again! And so every time and all the way, there are always 9 on their way, and on a halt 10. Take a look yourself, O Nasruddin, and tell me how many donkeys you see here? - Eleven.
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