FunnyStory about animals and all around the world
Funny Video about animals and all around the world! :)
Funny picture about animals and all around the world :)
Play game and comfortable :)
Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.
Daughter: Mom what are those things hanging on your chest?
Mom: They are called boobs..
Daughter: When am I going to get them?
Mom: When you grow up
Later in the day she walks in on dad taking a shower
Daughter: Dad, what is that thing hanging between your legs?
Dad: Its called penis..
Daughter: When am I going to get that?
Dad: You can get it now but don't tell mommy.
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?"
She responds, "The bastard used COINS! I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!
Irish cop says, "Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the hell out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "
The dog shits on the floor.
The man didn’t realise, so he ordered a drink and went to sit down with his dog.
A second man enters the bar and slips over on the dog shit. He gets up in shock, staggers over to the bar and orders a drink.
A third man enters the bar and also slips on the dog shit.
The second man turns to him, laughs and says “Haha I just did that!”
Third man smacks him in the face and says “YOU DIRTY FUCKER!”
.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"
Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.
One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them.
To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"
The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.
Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Police 1: do you know how fast you are going?
Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist.
Police 1: Really?
Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk
Police 1: is that everything?
Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun in my glove compartment
[Police 1 calls for backup and now the swat team approaches the man's car]
SWAT 1: I'm going to need you step outside the vehicle
[ the man steps out and the police search the car]
SWAT 1: he appears to have no gun, no stolen money, and no dead body.
Police 1: but he told me he committed those crimes...
Man: well I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!
The first blonde said "Those look like deer tracks!"
The second blonde said "No those are totally moose tracks... "
The third blonde said "Nope, they are goat tracks!"
Then a train hit them
(husband nods)
Wife: And covered in...oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
The objective is clear, there’s an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.
Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you’re not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.
Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!
“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”
“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
He yells “Which one one of you twats nailed my wife ?!” as he cocks his gun.
Someone at the end of the bar suddenly says :
“You don’t have enough bullets mate !”
with her new boyfriend and decides to wind him up.
So he shouts "How's the second hand pussy"
Her boyfriend replies "After the first three inches, it's brand new"
The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."
So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and says "The only reason you aren't already inside is that you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty if you have a confession, now's the time." The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. "I saw a man's penis once and had impure thoughts." St. Peter replied, "That's okay, just wash your eyes out with holy water, and you may enter." The second nun stepped forward. "I touched a man's penis once." "That's okay, Sister," St. Peter replied. "Just wash your hands with holy water, and you may enter." The fourth nun begins to cut in front of the third, and an all-out brawl breaks out between the two. Habits and hair go flying as St. Peter breaks it up. "Sisters, what has gotten into you two?" The fourth nun, brushing herself off, says, "I only wanted to rinse my mouth out before she sticks her ass in that water."
When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom, you still awake?'
Watson: "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing with that girl. She looks like she's in middle school!"
Sherlock: "Elementary, my dear Watson."
I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.
One day, when speaking to her husband, he said: "I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
At that moment, I just had a brilliant idea.
"Don't sweat it, neighbor! I'm on vacation and painting walls is my favorite hobby! It would be a pleasure to do this task."
The guy accepted the offer and was really happy.
I don't want to brag about my conversation skills, but I barely started to paint the apartment and I already had that woman in bed with me.
But, bad luck... We were just starting and I did not expect the husband to forget his documents and that, for that reason, he had to return home at that specific moment.
The woman, listening to her husband opening the door, runs to the bathroom, and the guy enters the room and finds me, naked, at the top of the ladder, giving a few strokes on the wall.
Screaming, he asked,
-"What the fuck is this? ... You started painting in my bedroom, and naked?"
-"Fuck you, I'm working for free, so I start wherever I want!"
-"But naked? ..."
-"You really wanted me to stain my new clothes with paint?"
-"And with a boner, you son of a bitch?"
-"And where am I going to hang the fucking bucket ?! ..."
Btw, english is not my first language, so I'm sorry for any mistakes.
If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.
It's funny making a flat earth beliver angry, but if you push them over the edge then you're only proving them right.
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."
"What if we had sex?" asks Neal.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Neal stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bob.
So Neal and Bob have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?
The second kid says, I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says,“You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It’s a breeze.
Cool, says the second kid.“What are you in here for?“
A circumcision.”
Whoa! exclaims the second kid. Good luck, mate. I had that done just after I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.
wakes up her husband and says: - Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean? The husband answers: - You'll know it on your birthday. The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."
Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: clears throat "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."
He grabs a bag and heads to the the counter. The clerk apologizes, and informs him that he needs to have his dog with him to be able to purchase it.
"You mean I have to go all the way back home and get my dirty ass dog in my truck, and bring him all the way back here just to get some dog food?"
Again, the clerk apologizes and tells him that's just the policy. So, he goes and gets his dog then purchases the dog food.
A few days later, he comes back to get cat food. The clerk informs him they have the same policy for cats.
"Dammit, my barn cat hates people, do I really have to go back home and and get my face and hands all scratched up trying to catch him just so I can get some cat food?"
The clerk again apologies, and says he going to have to do that.
The next day the same man shows up to the store with a bag and puts it on the counter. The clerk asks what it is, and the man tells him to reach in and find out. The clerk puts his hand in, then quickly pulls it back out.
"AGH! IS THAT SHIT IN THE BAG?"
"Yes it is, I would like 6 rolls of toilet paper please."
All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
"It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks.
"Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."
The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.
Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.
Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”.
The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”.
With that, the baby pops right back inside.
“Damn!”, says the doctor.
A short while later he sees the head push through again.
“Are you my dad?”, asks the baby.
“No, I am your doctor.”, he replies.
Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb.
The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.
Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out.
“Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father.
The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!”
The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
"How Much For A Hand Job?"
Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"
I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"
He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?” “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress. “Sure, that will do.” The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. “Are you going to eat that chili?” “Nope, it’s yours if you want it” says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse. The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says “Yep, same thing happened to me.”
A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:
"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"
His master gives him an anecdote.
"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs while the sun sets, with no apparent purpose to them?"
"Yes Master"
"And have you seen the moon reflect upon the still surface of the lake, a mere reflection, and contemplate the meaning of it?"
"Yes Master"
"And have you seen the flocks of birds flying across the sky at sunset, and wonder about their purpose in life?"
"Yes Master"
"That's your problem! You keep looking at useless shit instead of practicing!"
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs"
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so"
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now"
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 70 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day...
A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive"
With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.
From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," The captain says.
Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
A few minutes later, the dinner was served.
Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat. Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home. Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.
I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm.
The next day, the man came with the empty bottle and said he tried with his left hand then right hand. Then his wife tried with her left hand and right hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both hands & mouth. Then the neighbor's wife & daughter tried the same way..but could not open the damn bottle.
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today." His father replies, "What happened?" The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'" The father replies, "Well, that's correct." The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'" The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?" The boys says, "That's what I said!"
One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.
The next day, the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died.
Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack.
He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.
He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home.
He was still alive!
When he got home he appologised to his wife.
"I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled,
"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
so they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend '' 5 bucks if i go smash his head ? ''. The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes the bald guy on the head and says to him '' Hey Mike , long time no see man '' . The bald guy clearly surprised responds ''I believe you made a mistake sir'' so the guy replies '' I'm so so sorry sir '' and walks away. The two friends laugh and the man gives the 5 bucks to his rather bold friend. After 5 minutes the guy tells his friend again ''10 bucks if I do it again ? '' the friend agrees and so the man goes and smashes the bald guy's head again and says ''Hey mike how have you been man ? '' . The bald guy now clearly irritated tells him '' Hey man listen , i've already told you i'm not Mike '' and the guy responds '' A thousand apologies sir , won't happen again'' and goes back to his friend who is now dying of laughter while the bald guy in the front row switches seats and sits now in the corner. After receiving his money he tells his friend again '' 50 bucks if i do it one last time ? '' so his friend who is dying of curiosity agrees. Once again the man goes down and to the bald guy who is now sitting in the corner and smashes his head while shouting '' Oh come on Mike , you've been sitting here all along and i've been smashing that pour guy's head for 15 minutes ? ''
I said "scissors, I win" and drove off... that fucker must really need a rematch because he's been chasing me for the last 20 minutes
A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.
"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"
"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thing."
"Aw Christ, Pete. I'm sorry about that."
"So, pissed off, I found a length of rope and tied her right leg to her stall so she wouldn't kick again and went back to milking her. I had this second pail just over half full when CRASH her left leg jolts and knocks it all over the floor. I'm fuming so I went and found another length of rope and tied her left leg to her stall nice and tight and propped the pail up again. No way to kick it over now, right?"
"Aye,"
"Well about a quarter full, her tail whips around the handle of the bucket and sends it flying. So I go stomping around looking for another length of rope but couldn't find anything. I thought, ah, this bitch deserves the belt anyways. So I took off the belt holding up my pants and tied her tail to the crossbeam above her stall."
"Don't tell me she kicked it over again."
"Nah, then my wife walked in."
Someone has been killed with a starter pistol !!!
Police think it might be race related..............
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"
But if I wanted to disappoint many people at once, I could just repost this joke on Reddit...
Some flirting and fooling around later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. Watching all this the girl says, ”You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, replies, “Why yes actually. How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she says, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" To which she responds,
"Didn't feel a thing."
She said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now"
So I took her back to my place and we started fooling around.
We got undressed and that's when I noticed the scars from the operation.
They arrive at the gates of heaven where they meet St. Peter who says "you must each answer one question about religion to enter heaven."
St. Peter calls the first nun and asks "who was the first man on Earth?" "Adam" she replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.
St. Peter asks the second nun "who was the first woman on Earth?" "Eve" she replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.
St. Peter asks the third nun "what is the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun panics for a second because she doesnt know the answer. "Boy thats a hard one" she nervously replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.
and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?' Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'
A nurse got a new job at a new hospital. Her boss thought that she knew everything about the job, except for ONE THING: "Never laugh at a patient, no matter what."
"Of course I won't laugh," the nurse said. "I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
Three days later, the hospital received a new patient that the nurse was in charge of. "I have a problem with my sexual organs," the man said. "Okay, just drop your trousers for me," the nurse responded.
"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"
Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"
Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"
Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"
Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.
Little Joe: "Granddad, how much does your wiener weigh?"
Granddad: "I don't know, but it must be a lot, because your grandmother can't get it up"
When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried, especially me, because the car was from the electricity company. They were there to cut off the electricity. My dad beat the crap out of me again.
So there's this guy, and he's got an ant farm, but not like a normal ant farm, it's like a regular farm that's run by ants, and one day the ant in charge of the farmer ants says to the guy 'hey guy, we're workin our thoraxes off tryin to harvest these crops but it's real tough, boss. See they're all the way up in the trees and we're super small, i think we need some bigger ants to help us get the job done.' So the guy's like 'shit i guess i did notice that production's been pretty minimal, i guess i could try to get you some bigger ants. Aren't most of you pretty much all the same size though?' And the ant's all 'yo that's racist.' So they guy's like 'whoa whoa whoa i didn't mean it like that, just relatively in size to a tree. Look i'll go right now to get us some taller ants to help your team.' So the guy goes to the unemployment center in town and asks around for some tall ants but they've all been hired by other farms that can offer health insurance. He tried to recruit some practice squad players in the ant basketball league but couldnt match their salaries. He even tried to convince an ant warden to give him his tallest ants in a prisoner work release program but the warden wanted a percentage of everything sold and one of the tall ant inmates spit on the guy while he was there, so he decided that wouldn't work either. He was walking down the street tired, frustrated, and desperate when he came across a super tall homeless ant holding a 'will work for food' sign. So the guys really excited thinking he's found his solution and explains to the hobo ant that his farmer ants aren't tall enough and the homeless ant starts laughing in his face. "Maaaaan you don't need bigger ants, you need smaller trees!" Said the ant. The guy was shocked at how simple and elegant the hobo ant's solution was, but also furious that he'd spent an entire day looking for tall ants. He decided he needed a drink to ease his mind so he stopped in the nearest bar. So the guy goes to the bartender, "hey barkeep lemme get 4 shots of the strongest booze you got." And the bartender's like "brother i've got some moonshine that'll melt your face off but it's crazy strong, you sure you want 4 shots?" And the guy says, "look man i've had a nightmare of a day, i know my limits, trust me i can handle my shit." So the bartender's like "allright man if you insist" and he lines up four shots of the moonshine and the guy wastes no time and throws em back, one after another, slams down the fourth shot glass, and then immediately projectile vomits all over the bar, including on the bartender. The bartender's fuckin piiiiiiissed and yells "what the fuck man!? You said you could handle your shit!! What is your problem!?!?" And the guy wipes his mouth and says "duuuuude sorry, i thought i hadda hire taller ants."
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her fucking husband!"
Sherlock Holmes is inspecting a bed. He says to Watson, "this bed is missing something." Watson replies "no sheet sherlock."
Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."
A year later, he goes around to all the animals to see how they're doing. The horses have foals, the wolves have pups, the lions have cubs...everything looks good. But then he gets to a couple of snakes, and they have no eggs, no hatchlings, nothing.
Noah is confused, and the snakes admit that they've had some trouble.
"Is there anything I can do to help?" he asks.
The snakes look at each other, and then turn back to Noah. "If you could cut down that tree over there," says one, "that would help quite a bit."
Noah doesn't quite understand, but cuts down the tree anyway, and leaves to continue his journey. A year later, he goes to check the progress of all the animals. The are more foals, more pups, more cubs, and tons of other baby animals. He gets to the snakes, and sure enough, there are baby snakes everywhere.
Confused, Noah goes to one of the original snakes and asks how cutting down the tree helped.
"We're adders," said the snake. "We need logs to multiply."
But it looks like apple beat me to it. Turns out they are already making overpriced toys for assholes
A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all
BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!
His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing." The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."
"Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt
I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU
'What is your message?' I asked.
YOU SHOULD BE DANCING
Fear started flushing over me, 'Why should I be dancing?'
NIGHT FEVER
I started to become more confused then frightened now, I needed to get to the bottom of this. 'You're talking gibberish' I shouted!
JIVE TALKIN. HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE. STAYING ALIVE...
'God damn it!' I shouted. That old bastard sold me a Bee Gee board!
Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do ?”
God said, “Go down into that valley”
Adam said, “What’s a valley ?”
God explained it to him. Then God said
“Cross the River."
Adam said, “What’s a river ?"
God explained that to him, and then said,
“Go over to the hill …”
Adam said, “What is a hill ?”
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was
He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave”
Adam said, ‘What’s a cave ?'
After God explained, He said, “In the cave you will find a woman”
Adam said, “What’s a woman ?' So God explained that to him, too
Then, God said, ‘I want you to reproduce"
Adam said, “How do I do that ?”
God first said (under His breath), “Geez …”
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman
In about five minutes, he was back
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it
Adam said
“What's a Headache ?"
He always brought home an F or C- on his report card. His parents decided to put him in a private catholic school to help him improve. All of a sudden his grades improved drastically. He had an A+ on every report card for Math. His parents finally asked, "Son, what changed? How did you improve so much in your Math class?" He responded, "Well, when I walked in to class on the first day I saw a picture of a man nailed to a plus sign, so I knew they meant business."
There's an Air Force guy driving from Wagga to Richmond, and an Army guy driving from Richmond to Wagga. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,"Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
So the Air Force guy pops open his boot and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
In a certain tribe, in which polygamy was practiced, a married man’s standing in the tribe depended upon the combined weight of his wives-the greater the combined weight, the more important was the man. Every year, on weighing day and according to custom, the married men would stand their wives on neatly spread animal skins, and the chief of the tribe would come around with a crude seesaw and balance the wives of one man against those of another in order to determine the relative importance of the men. Now Gog had only one wife, who was very heavy, while Gug had two much slenderer wives, and all year the two men argued as to who was the more important, When weighing day arrived, Gog placed his wife on a large hippopotamus skin, and Gug placed his wives on two small gazelle skins
When the weighing was performed, it was found that Gog’s wife exactly balanced against the two wives of Gug. Thus it turned out that the two men were equally important, since, by the chief’s ruling, “the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.”
One says "I'll have some H20."
The other says "I'll have some H20, too."
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical functional of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.
His boss has already told him before that if he is late one more time, he'll be fired on the spot.
The man is circling around the parking lot, but still all the spaces are completely full.
Suddenly, the man stops his car, puts his hands together and looks towards the sky.
"Dear Almighty God!" he says, "Please let a space be free! I need this job! I promise if you give me a space, I'll quit smoking, quit drinking and only have sex again once I am married. Please God, help me out..."
Then, when the man looks down, he sees it. A free space, just ahead on his left. It shines in a golden beam of light coming down from the clouds. The man looks up once more and says,
"Actually God, it's alright, I just found a space."
A guy is working at a grocery store and a lady comes up to him and asks: "Hello young man, can you tell me where the brocolli is?" "Oh I'm sorry madam, we ran out of brocolli, we will have some tomorrow." "Oh okay," says the lady and the guy goes back to his work. Then somebody taps him on his shoulder, he turns around and there's the same lady and she goes: "Sir, i can't find any brocolli." "We are fresh out of brocolli ma'am, we will have some tomorrow." and he goes back to work. And then the woman comes right in front of him and says very loudly: "Where the hell is the brocolli?" And he says: "Madam, how do you spell cat? As is catastrophic." "C-A-T" "Good, good ... and how do you spell dog? As in dogmatic." "D-O-G" "Great, great ... and how do you spell fuck? As in brocolli." "There is no fuck in brocolli." "AND THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU!!!"
Girl: He-he, sure baby. Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.
Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."
A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads
Grilled Cheese - $3 Ham and Cheese $5 Roast Beef - $6 Hand jobs -$20
A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"
"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks.
"Yes I am!." She replies with a wink.
"Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."
They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!
Man, I hate babies.
I once spent a month in the slammer.
It wasn't that bad. The guards were friendly. My cell-mate was a cool guy. The food was better than my wife's. I didn't see any fights. I wasn't assaulted or raped.
On my last day a guard walked me out to the exit gate. We chatted about football on the way. As the gate opened he said to me, "Goodbye and good luck. How do you feel?"
"I feel good, man," I replied. "I'm happy to finally be out."
Then he smacked me hard across the skull with his baton, drawing blood. I was like, "What the hell, dude?"
"That's for ending your sentence with a preposition."
iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out
Samsung user: What's new?
iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition
Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next
iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging
Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next
iPhone user: We're getting water resistance
Samsung user: Had that 3 year's ago next
iPhone user: Nothing is better that an iPhone
Samsung user: Your screen is from Samsung you know, it's our technology
iPhone user: What am i paying for then?
Samsung user: A galaxy s6
The interviewer said to me, “The second part of your resume is missing.”
I said, “For the second part, you have to pay $20.”
The politician says "Do you know who I am? I'm an important government official". The mugger says "Fine, give me all my money"
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy". At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin.”
and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked onin amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with".
"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"
So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth one.”
As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
Officer: First name? Mom: Frida Officer: Last name? Mom: Gomam Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?
And my mom hit the accelerator.
Me: Yes
Wife: And also covered in.. oil?
Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen! you never listen.
Me: Ohhh
His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”
The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”
An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,
And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.
The Mob was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $100,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mob soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends their toughest enforcer to “deal with da situation”.
Well, it doesn’t take long for the enforcer to find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with him, so the enforcer drags the guy to an interpreter.
He says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.” The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?” The deaf man signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The interpreter tells the enforcer, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The enforcer pulls out a .38 S&W and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”
The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?” The deaf man frantically signs back, “The $100,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.”
The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and furthermore, he doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.”
and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."
"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."
There used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject.
Edit: I hope September 12 was an appropriate time for this.
Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.
"That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike.
"I bet I can do something you can't" he says.
"Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots.
"Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says
"We didn't see anything, you liar"
"You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump"
.....St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years." "Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
They played the twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. So I jumped.
They played come on eileen. I got kicked out.
... First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep – a dozen rabbis
He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, followed the tracks, and shot the buck. The dumb guy, satisfied with the answer, soon leaves.
The following day the dumb guy returns to the hunter and asks how he shot his first rabbit. The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, followed the tracks, and shot the rabbit. The dumb guy leaves the hunting club.
The following day the dumb guy returns to the hunter and, still curious, asks how he shot his first bear. The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, followed the tracks, and shot the bear. The dumb guy leaves looking energetic and inspired!
Weeks passed without any sight of the dumb guy and the hunter, worried about his dumb friend, decides to look into it. He finds that the dumb guy is being held at the local hospital in intensive care so the hunter goes to visit.
The hunter enters the hospital room and sees the dumb guy in what seems to be a full body cast, with machines everywhere to help him breathe, eat, and ultimately stay alive. Surprised, he asked the dumb guy what happened!
The dumb guy musters all his strength to lift his head toward the hunter and in small gasps he tells the hunter his story.
"I got my gun..." "I went into the woods..." "I followed the tracks..." "And was hit by a train."
One day the general manager noticed the young boy and asked the clerk about him. He then told him that the young boy comes everyday and deposit exactly 100$ each time. So the manager told the clerk to send him the lil boy the next time he comes to the bank. The next day the boy comes in and he's sent to meet the manager.
The manager : so tell me , how do you get 100$ a day ?
The boy : well, everyday i have a bet with a different guy.
The manager : about what ?
The boy : about the fact that i can kiss my right eye !
Then the manager replies : haha no way…
The boy : we can bet if you really want to…
the manager was confident and gave his consentmenet to the boy… few seconds later the boy takes off his ocular prosthesis and kiss it.
the manager felt so stupid that he asked the young boy to give him back his 100$. The boy agreed to give it back but under one condition.
The boy : Let's have another bet… i'm pretty sure that you are wearin red girly panties, i'f 'im wrong i will give you back your 100$ plus another 100$ for this bet.
The manager is feeling over confident cause he knows that he isnt wearing this kind of panties and said yes.
Then the boy said again: but before you get undressed we need to have 10 eyewitnesses to make it legit.
The manager was ok about it and called all his staff. After taking off his pants, the manager felt happy cause he just won 100$, but he then notice that the young boy was so happy about loosing his money that he asked him.
How can you be so happy about loosing your money?
The boy replied : well i had a bet with your staff about how many minutes i'll need to make you take off your pants... and guess who won ?!
The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"
The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."
Then God says "let there be light". Now there was still nothing, but at least you can see it.
On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.
His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.
"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"
So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."
Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the wreck of the Windbreaker, from the bottom of the stormy North Sea." "Right away, Father." said the eldest son, departing at once, determined to become king.
Then to his middle son, Nimble and Self-righteous, "You are to retrieve your great grandfather's shield, bearing our coat of arms, from the deadly jungles of India, lost at the site of a battle since forgotten." "I shall do so at once, Father." said the middle son, and so he too departed at once.
Then he beckoned for his youngest son, a young man Intelligent, but meek next to his older siblings, to approach. "Yes, Father?" The son inquired. To which the King replies, "Bring me a coke, I never liked those assholes."
I filed a request for a new speaker, but the company responded "it's not our fault the pool was empty".
The train was packed. He went searching for a seat as he came by a middle aged woman and her dog. He asked her "may I please have that seat", the woman replied "you Americans are so rude, cant you see my little Fifi is sitting here". The soldier walks the length of the train and back to cross the woman and her dog again. He asks again "may I please have that seat". The woman replies again "not only are you Americans ruda but also arrogant". The man picked up the dog and threw him out the train window. The woman screamed and yelped for help and justice as a man from the other side of the cart yelled "It's true you Americans do everything wrong, you eat with the wrong fork, you drive on the wrong side of the road and now you threw the wrong bitch out of the window".
Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"
Student: I is the...
Teacher: stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: okay! I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”