An American
Chủ Nhật, 31 tháng 1, 2021
If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons
...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!
Do you have a Vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow so I can be home, just incase this guy shows up again."
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady.
The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.
The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.
Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!
Mother: How were you able to come back home?
Son: I followed the cat.
Thứ Bảy, 30 tháng 1, 2021
Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man
Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"
"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."
"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"
"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."
Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?
"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"
"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."
Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"
The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"
Only in England.
£800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.
But reduced to £400 if paid early.
If you catch covid at the party, the government will
give you £500 to stay at home.
That's £100 profit.
This country is absolutely fucked.
Thứ Sáu, 29 tháng 1, 2021
The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”
The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”
“Six,” replied the woman.
After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.
At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t know what to do.
And before the judge smacked the mallet down to make it final, her husband entered into the courtroom and yelled, “your honor, wait!”
The judge froze and listened to what the husband wanted to say.
“She also stole a can of peas!”
The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.
But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.
The FBI are looking to recruit an assassin...
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair .... Kill him!!'
The woman said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my husband .'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home.'
The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes.
The woman came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my husband .' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.'
Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to kill her with the fucking chair!'
A man goes into a street of Moscow and yells: "I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader".
A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him. Later he brings the man to Stalin. The soldier explained to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man: "Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the street?" The man says: "I was thinking about Hitler of course". Stalin lets the man go but stops the soldier and asks: "Who were YOU thinking about?"
Thứ Năm, 28 tháng 1, 2021
What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?
A dictator.
What do you call a regular looking potato?
A commentator.
There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?
The one that says Idaho on it.
A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.
His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat." replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
An ugly arrogant woman NSFW
An ugly arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins, Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied,"I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice." !!
Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 1, 2021
A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”
“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.
That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!”
My wife asked if I was still attracted to her
I replied “I married a 6 and now you’re a 10, what do you think?”
She walked away happy,
Which is odd because I was talking about her dress size.
This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the third time he said, "Look, if you don't let me unlock the damn door you're never going to get in there!”
A man applies for a government job
A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."
"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. So no point in your coming in for that."
Two prostitutes are standing on a corner.
One says, "Tonight is gonna be a good night. I can smell the dick in the air." The other says, "Sorry, I just burped."
A new supermarket opened near my house.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.
In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.
Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 1, 2021
Wrong E-Mail Address
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules together. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: .................................................................................
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: August 14, 2017
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!
Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...
But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'
So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.
The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.
They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens up the door and his mouth falls agape as he sees the two. "What the hell are you doing? What are these costumes!?"
The first guy looks at the host and says, "Yo, I'm deep in dis pair."
The second guy says, "I'm fuckin' dis custid."
Technology is the death of us
DEAR NEIGHBOR:
Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night. Probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.
Richard
NEIGHBOR'S RESPONSE:
George, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.
SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, George. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."
A Nashville man dies and goes to hell.
When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Nashville.”
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Nashville man to see how he’s doing. To the devil’s surprise, the man is doing just fine.
“No problem…just like Nashville in June,” the man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Nashville man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.
“No problem. Just like Nashville in July,” the man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.
He says, “No problem. Just like Nashville in August.”
Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.
When he goes back now to see how the Nashville man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what’s going on. To which the Nashville man replies…
“THE PREDATORS WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!”
“THE PREDATORS WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!”
Now watch the Preds win it all and make me look like a total jerk.
Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.
They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.
“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”
Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s safe for you!”
The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, “What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?”
“A water lily.”
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. "
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
Dear Humans,
You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.
Sincerely,
Confused alarm clock.
A kid goes to his dad and says "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what politics is."
Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."
Thứ Hai, 25 tháng 1, 2021
4 men are in the hospital waiting rooms, because their wives are having babies.
A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”
The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”
The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”
The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the 3M Company.”
The nurse tells the third guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of quadruplets.”
The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, I work for the four seasons hotel.”
The last man is freaking out and banging his head against the wall.
The nurse asks him, “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
He replies, “No, I’m screwed! I work for 7UP.”
So a black guy and a Latino guy and an Asian guy are all walking together!
A man walks up to them with a knife and says “if your dick sizes don’t add up to 20 inches, then you’re all getting stabbed”. The black guy pulls it out and it’s 12 inches. The Latino guy pulls it out and it’s 7 inches. The Asian guys pulls it out and it’s 1 inch. The man with the knife says “you’re all very lucky” and walks off.
After the man walks away, the black guy says “you guys are lucky I’m black”.
The Latino guy then says “you guys are lucky I’m Latino”.
The Asian guy then says “you guys are lucky I had a boner”.
I got fired today because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable
It seems they have strict safety protocols about what you’re allowed to do with the COVID patients
A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." (nsfw)
The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."
The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"
The teller then leaves without a word, to go and speak to the manager about how to deal with this man. The manager, hearing the story, goes back to the man to see what the problem is.
After asking the man, he responds with " There is no fucking problem. All I wanna do is cash my 10 million dollar check from winning the lottery and then put it in this goddamn bank!"
The manager responds with "Oh, and is this bitch over here giving you any problems, sir?"
A Soviet Strip Club
In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow
They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.
The Americans look around for a minute, then tell the head of the Soviet delegation: "The position of this club is perfect. The food is excellent. The atmosphere is grandiose. The drinks are extraordinary. But the stripper has to go."
"Impossibe!" says the Soviet organiser. "She is the perfect woman for the job, she has been a loyal member of the Communist Party for the past 60 years!!"
A Soviet Strip Club
In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow
They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.
The Americans look around for a minute, then tell the head of the Soviet delegation: "The position of this club is perfect. The food is excellent. The atmosphere is grandiose. The drinks are extraordinary. But the stripper has to go."
"Impossibe!" says the Soviet organiser. "She is the perfect woman for the job, she has been a loyal member of the Communist Party for the past 60 years!!"
My girlfriend just said "if you don't get off reddit and spend some time with me I will drag your fucking face all over the keyboard"
I wish the bitch would jussiisosospapspdkebvegqysus8d8s9sonaJ88YVuzU d0sos shsusiw98ww7e7 s
Chủ Nhật, 24 tháng 1, 2021
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby.
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.
She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor. Reluctantly he agreed. She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken"
A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.
They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"
An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell
At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things. Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts to make improvements, until God finally realizes what’s going on. So God goes to Satan and says, Hey I think you have our guy. We gotta fix this mistake. Satan says, I don’t think so, we like him here. He’s fixing things & making them better. God starts to get frustrated and says, Hey, if you don’t give us our guy back, I’m gonna have to sue you. Satan laughs and says, Where do you think you’re gonna find a lawyer?
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, an atheist, and a Pagan all walk into a Starbucks
And they chat, enjoy coffee, laugh, become friends, and have a wonderful time.
This isn't a joke, by the way. It's just what happens when you're not a dickhead
A wealthy Frenchman was showing me his yachts...
“This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six... “
“What happened to 5?” I asked
“Cinq”
an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine
an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them
the extrovert denies
" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"
the extrovert agrees to take it
the alcoholic denies
"you will have to be vaccinated to continue drinking"
the alcoholic agrees to take it
the karen denies
"you need to take it to be safe"
"no"
"you need to take it keep your family safe"
"no"
"you need to take it to NOT DIE"
"no"
the doctor finally plays his last card
"you are not entitled to take this vaccine"
"what!!? How can you deny me my vaccine??!?!!
How dare you deny me MY RIGHTS!?!
Give me the vaccine or I will call 911 AND GET YOU ARRESTED!!!!”
Reposts...
r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.
A woman complained to her friend she had a sore throat!
The friend replied: “Whenever I have a sore throat, I just give my husband a blow job and the soreness goes away!”
They meet the next day, and the woman says:” I took your advice! You were right, the soreness disappeared immediately! Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”
Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "
Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".
Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later
Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother crying.
Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your Father."!!!
The girl took her boyfriend home and introduced him to her parents.
The guy had a bad lunch and was feeling discomfort as he was sitting at the dining table for dinner with her parents.
Suddenly he couldn't control the discomfort, and he farted. At this moment, the girl's father looked at the dog sleeping by the boyfriend's feet and yelled "Jackie!". The guy rejoiced in his heart for they thought it was the dog that farted.
After a little while, he couldn't control it again, thus he farted again. This time, the girl's father yelled with a loud and stronger voice and said "Jackie!" The boyfriend thanked the gods again. He cursed the lunch he ate inbhis heart. But he felt relieved they blamed it on the poor dog.
But it took him only few minutes before he broke the wind for the third time. The girl's father lowered his eyeglasses and said "Jackie! Get up now! This guy is going to shit on your face if you don't move!"
Thứ Bảy, 23 tháng 1, 2021
I think I'm going to lose my driver's license...
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi, or a Ford?"
Me: "I have no idea!"
Officer: "So, you're drunk."
Me: "But I didn't drink anything."
Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?
Me: "A motorcycle."
Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki, or a Harley?"
Me: "I have no idea!"
Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter-question.
Me: "So..., counter-question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes, and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer: "A prostitute of course."
Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife, or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend.
The perfect guy
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Graham!"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Graham Barnes. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Graham Barnes, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Graham Barnes. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Graham Barnes, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Graham, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Graham."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Graham. He died. I'm married to his widow
A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish
Warden: your pet fish? How’s that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about a half hour, and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: well that’s just a crock of lies!!
Man: here, I’ll show you... (releases the fish into the lake).
Warden: well this I gotta see!! (5 minutes later...)
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where’s your pet fish??
Man: what fish??
The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.
Putin: Why?
Prime Minister: Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. And then, when I wished the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he said that it was on the next day.
Putin: Well, these are just minor issues.
Prime Minister: Minor issues?! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with their President? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't even taken off yet!!!
Thứ Sáu, 22 tháng 1, 2021
A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells : “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”
A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?” Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: “Who were YOU thinking about?”
The Italian Job
A young New York woman was so despondent that she decided to end her life. She was going to throw herself into the ocean. But, as she ran to the end of the dock, a young man stopped her. "I know what you were about to do. My God! You have so much to live for. Look, I'm a sailor, and my ship is off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away. I know exactly where. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she HAD always wanted to go to Italy, the young woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her sandwiches, fruit, Poland Spring, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing in here?" demanded the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "The truth is he's screwing me, too." "He certainly is," replied the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess."
Two brothers are in their room one morning.
The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."
Billy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.
"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"
Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it cheerios."
Their mom turns around and chases him up the stairs spanking him the whole way. When she returns she looks at Billy and says, "And what would you like my little angel."
Billy nervously replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't cheerios."
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Rock, Paper, Scissors!
The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?", I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch-he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....
“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”
“I’m from Ireland.”
“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”
“Grew up in Wexford.”
“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”
“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what high school did you go to?”
“I went to McPatrick High”
“McPatrick High?! I went to McPatrick High! I’ll be darned! What year did you graduate?”
“1979”
“1979??!! That’s the year I graduated! What are the chances of that?!!”
Well as these 2 guys are just flabbergasted at the chances of this meeting, another guy at the end of the bar is watching curiously. He calls over to the bartender & asks “hey what on earth is going on over there?”
To which the bartender replies, “ah nothing. Just the O’Mally twins drunk again.”
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Thứ Năm, 21 tháng 1, 2021
Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven.
They ask God if he'd answer one question.
"Of course" God says.
They ask how the Democrats rigged the election in 2020.
"It wasn't rigged" God replies.
The Trump supporters look at each other and say, "This conspiracy goes higher than we thought!"
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
Boss shows up at a job site
Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"
Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find."
Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming
they were promised a storm...
...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.
I'm here all week.
Thứ Tư, 20 tháng 1, 2021
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.
The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"
"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three-fourths', and 2/5 is 'two-fifths'."
"Thanks, I understand, "said the exchange student.
"Good," said the teacher, and then asked the student, "so how do you say 4/8?"
"Should I reduce?" asked the boy.
"That would be best," said the teacher.
"One-second," said the boy.
"Take as long as you need," said the teacher.
The Nude Gambler
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A Very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand Dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t Mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice And yelled, “Mama needs new clothes!” Then she Hollered…”YES! YES! I WON! I WON!” She jumped up and Down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all The money and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, One of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know, I thought YOU were watching!
The body’s organs were arguing over who should be in charge
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."
"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."
All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him, so he decided to go on strike.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.
What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work, the asshole is usually in charge.
Thứ Ba, 19 tháng 1, 2021
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.
A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.
Upon reaching it, one of the first thing he did was go into a department store.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
“Quiero calcetines, (I want socks)" said the man.
“I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines,(No I don't want suits, I want socks.)" said the man.
“Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines, (No I don't want shirts, I want socks.)" repeated the man.
“I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,(No I don't want pants, I want socks)" insisted the man.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es (Now that's it)!"
“Then why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!?" yelled the salesgirl.
A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.
The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.
"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.
Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on the door. He opened the door, and there was the Jew.
"What are you doing here?" asked the farmer.
"I'm afraid I cannot sleep in the barn because there is a pig in the barn, and my religion considers pigs to be unclean animals."
"Very well," said the farmer. "You can sleep in the guest room." And he volunteered the Muslim to sleep in the barn.
Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on the door. He opened the door, and there was the Muslim.
"What are you doing here?" asked the farmer.
"I'm afraid I cannot sleep in the barn because there is a pig in the barn, and my religion considers pigs to be unclean animals."
"Very well," said the farmer. "You can sleep in the guest room." And he volunteered the Jehovah's Witness to sleep in the barn.
Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on the door. He opened the door, and there was the pig.
3 brothers enter the hospital room of their dying parents who have lived a long life of exploring and treasure hunting.
Their parents greet them, and tell them of the last adventure they were unable to complete. “There’s a cave down in South America, deep in the jungles of Brazil. Go there and find the treasure we have been searching for the last 20 years. We know the three of you will find it.”
The brothers leave to prepare for their journey, their hearts heavy from their parents passing, but set with vindictive courage determined to find this mysterious cave.
3 years later the brothers are hopeless, having found no evidence of such a cave in the Brazilian jungles. They make it back to their parents house eventually... where they find a little glass bottle on top of the fridge, with a scroll rolled up inside.
The first brother uncorks the bottle and gets the scroll out, starting to unroll it. crinkle crinkle The paper is very brittle.
On it reveals a clear path through Brazil to where this mysterious cave might be. They only wish they knew about this treasure map 3 years ago... but alas, their journey begins.
Finally, within the Brazilian forests they arrive at the steps of a vine-encased stairway surrounded by foliage. There is no sign or anything, but this is where their parents’ treasure map led them to.
The brothers take each other by hand and begin to descend. After what seems like 1,000 steps they finally reach a dim torch-lit room with three doors. One door has a fire symbol. One door has a water symbol. And the last door has a question mark.
Bewildered by these symbols the first brother decides to take one for the team and enters the fire door. It slams behind him as he descends another 1,000 stairs. Finally reaching the bottom he finds red Rubies scattered about the floor in piles he could never have imagined! He begins gathering rubies into sacks he brought and once he picks up the last ruby.. he notices a fireball start to form in the corner of the room. So he lifts his sacks in an adrenaline-fueled rush and bee-lines it for the door, 1,000 stairs up. He just barely makes it out, slamming the door on the fireball behind him.
His brothers are impressed by his riches that he gathered! While also afraid that the fire door housed a killer fireball. But the second brother can’t be outdone by the first.
He makes his way down the stairs of the water symbol door. Making it to the bottom of the steps he finds sapphires scattered everywhere and begins to gather them up. He picks up the last sapphire and water immediately begins seeping in from all corners of the room... In a rushed panic he picks up his sacks of sapphires and trudges through the water, barely making it up the stairs and closing the door before the water level rose enough to kill him and his brothers.
The third brother is now wildly impressed with his first two brothers’ riches! And also terrified to open this third door and see what evils may linger behind a question mark symbol.
He gathers up some courage and enters. This time there are only 10 steps. He finds rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds galore! There are so many treasures he fills up 4, 5, 6 enormous sacks of gems and.. nothing happens. He picks up his treasures and barely manages to make it up those 10 steps with all the extra weight.
His brothers are ASTOUNDED. How did you get all that treasure?! Why did nothing attack YOU?!
Nevertheless, the boys returned home with their respective treasures, feeling fulfilled by completing their parents goal.
The first brother celebrates by buying a nice house on a lake in Texas, getting all sorts of fun toys and things to play with considering his newfound fortune. Years go by, and one day there is a gas leak in his kitchen. As he leans in to examine the issue, a fireball explodes in his face and kills him in a fiery death.
The very same day years later, the second brother was out enjoying a margarita on the beach, in front of his new beach mansion. Those sapphires really paid off for him to live a stress free life! That is until a tsunami forms faster than ever and engulfs the beach, claiming the second brother’s life before he or his margarita knew it.
Now the third brother hears about the tragic deaths of his brothers.. and recalls the fire door, and the water door which relate to his brothers’ deaths. Since he doesn’t know what to expect he begins to prepare for the worst. As he had saved his jewels and not lived an extravagant lifestyle the past few years, he had plenty of wealth to invest in a castle with a drawbridge and an alligator moat. An entire team of armed guards was set up for 24 hour lookout and protection.
Weeks go by and there is no cause for any alarm. Until one day where he gets a dispatch on his Walkie-talkie, “Psshhhhk- hello sir, you may want to have a look at this.. uh, I’m not sure how else to describe it. We have identified a.. floating coffin? It seems to be headed in our direction at a steady pace.. just ominously floating.”
The brother immediately heads to the lookout tower to get a glimpse through binoculars. And then he sees it. The floating coffin has a big question mark on the front of it.. floating directly towards him 1,000 meters away. He immediately recognizes this as the question mark on the door where he found his treasures.
In a panic, he yells into his walkie talkie, “Psshhhk- ATTENTION ALL GUARDS, DO NOT LET THAT THING INTO THIS CASTLE. OPEN FIRE, RAISE THE DRAWBRIDGE! DO ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO DO TO PROTECT ME!!”
He then makes his way to the deepest, most secluded portion of his castle, ending up in a guest bathroom underground where he was holed up waiting for his fate to arrive.
His guards radio in as he starts to hear rumbling and crashing upstairs above him.
“Psshhhk- SIR! Sir.. we can’t stop it. Our bullets just bounce off of it! It just floated over the moat and crashed through our drawbridge!! It is coming for you.. we can———“ and the walkie falls silent.
In a panic the brother starts to look for anything he might be able to use to defend himself... he really is at a disadvantage in this guest bathroom as all he can find is an old rusty razor and a bottle of NyQuil. He thinks just maybe he could try and slice at it with the razor and maybe use the bottle of NyQuil as a projectile.
Soon enough, he hears the coffin crashing through the outer door, and CRASH the bathroom door shatters into pieces as the big question mark fills his view. Quickly, he throws the bottle of NyQuil and lunges at the coffin with the razor in hand... but he swings at nothing.. the coffin had vanished into thin air as soon as the NyQuil made contact.
And that’s when he realized.. NyQuil stops the coffin.
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in!
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair. no matter how big they are.
I caught two teenagers smoking pot outside my office window.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two teenagers smoking pot outside my office window.
A dead guy was brought into a mortuary wearing a very nice black suit. "I'm assuming you'd like him buried in this suit?" the mortician asked the widow.
"No," said the widow. "This is what he was wearing when he died of a heart attack at church. But I would like him buried in a very nice blue suit. Whatever the cost, please make this happen."
When she went to the viewing a few days later, and her deceased husband was wearing a one of the nicest blue suits she had ever seen. "He looks great!" exclaimed the widow. "How much extra do I owe you for the suit?"
"There will ne no extra charge," said the mortician.
"Why on earth not? Certainly this suit must have been very expensive and hard to find." the widow said.
"It was really no trouble at all" the mortician explained. "Shortly after your husband came in, another deceased gentleman about his size was brought in wearing an extravagant blue suit. I asked his widow if she would mind if he was buried in a black suit and she said it made no difference to her."
"I see, so you switched their outfits?" asked the widow.
"Didn't even have to do that," said the mortician. "Just switched the heads."
Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend?
To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right.
Feel free to downvote me to reddit hell...
Thứ Hai, 18 tháng 1, 2021
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy!
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.
"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.
"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."
The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver, and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man stammered, "Yes."
Bang! The robber shoots him.
He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.
As he sat sipping his beer, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
Two old ladies were sitting at a bus stop smoking cigarettes...
Suddenly it begins to rain. Old lady #1 pulls a condom out of her purse and slips it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Impressed, old lady #2 says, "Whad'ya call that thing and where can I get one?" "You mean this cigarette cover? I get mine down at the pharmacy," Says old lady #1.
So the next day old lady #2 heads on down to the pharmacy and is standing in the aisle with the condoms when an employee notices she's been there a while. "Ma'am, do you need some help?" Says the worker, resisting a smile. Old woman #2 replies, "Well I'm 60 years old and I've never bought one of these before, I don't know which ones to get." The worker asks, "What size do you think you'll need?" Old lady #2 replies, "Hell, I don't know, at least big enough to fit a camel."
A guy sat next to me on the train today and pulled out a picture of his girlfriend.
He said “ain’t she beautiful?”
I told him “if you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
“Why? Is she a stunner as well?”
“No she’s an optician”
The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Chủ Nhật, 17 tháng 1, 2021
A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells :
“I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!” A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?” Man responds: “Of course i was thinking about Hitler!”; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: “Who were YOU thinking about?”
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.
The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"
A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.
A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law. She suffers very much and cries in agony: "Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon" She stops for a seconds and says: "Well at least the weather is nice today"
The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it until suddenly he heard a voice.
Voice: Nice tie.
The man looked around. Nobody was there except him and the bartender.
Voice: Really cool shirt, too.
The man was concerned. He thought he must be losing his mind.
Voice: I like your hair like that!
Finally concerned, the man said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."
The bartender replied, “Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary.”
A guy walks into a hindu bakery...
The guy said, "tomorrow's my girlfriend's birthday, but I'm a bit short on cash, what's your cheapest cake?"
Baker responded, "come back tomorrow, and I'll have one ready for you at no cost."
Skeptical, the guy almost didn't return. But the next day he was passing by and walked in. The baker went to the back room, and brought out the most beautiful, multi-tiered, lavender cake he'd ever seen. He handed it to the guy, who then pulled out all the money he had in his pocket and offered it to the baker. "No need to pay me, this is my gift to you" said the baker.
"Why in the world would you do this?" asked the guy.
"Because cake day is the best day to earn karma!"
A little boy with diarrhea ask his mom
-Hey mom, do you have Viagra?
The mom goes: What? What on Earth do you need that for??!!
-Well, isn't that what you give dad when his sh*t doesn't get hard??
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."
Thứ Bảy, 16 tháng 1, 2021
Silence or Dishes
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." (true story)
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."
"When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted, "I'll do the fuckin dishes!!"
My son asked me where does poo come from
I sighed and explained it to him in great detail. He then looked at me perplexed and said "well what about Tigger?"
Jesus and Satan disputed on a typing contest
Satan had a last generation computer, three monitors, two keyboards, he was a beast dishing out words, typing whole paragraphs in seconds, everyone was astonished by his typing skills.
Jesus had a pentium IV, barely finding the letters and slowly typing with only his index fingers. Everyone was sure about the outcome and feared for the fate of humanity.
The bigger text after one hour would take the prize, at the 59' minute mark Satan had typed 3000 pages of text while Jesus was barely finishing his second, when suddenly the lights went out and both computers reset.
When it all came back, Satan had lost all his work and Jesus, with his 1 and a half page was the winner of the clash.
Moral of the story: Only Jesus saves
My wife died.
After she died, I couldn't even look at another woman for almost 20 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the hell out of here."
Guy walks into a Doc's office
He says, "Doc I got this feeling something's eating away at my guts."
The Doc takes a look and says, "Oh no... What you've got is a rare hookworm. The thing is we can't just pull it out. It's hooked in there nice and good. We've got to coax it into coming out so we can grab it. Now you're just gonna have to trust me with this treatment."
The guy replies, "Do whatever you've got to do Doc, just get it out!"
So the Doc solemnly nods, then he takes a sandwich and shoves it in the guy's butt. Then he takes a cookie and shoves it in right after. The poor guy is whimpering but he trusts the Doc. The Doc pats him on the shoulder and says "Come back tomorrow, and we'll continue the treatment."
So the next day it's the same thing. First in goes the sandwhich, then in goes the cookie. The guy's hating his life, but the Doc assures him "Come back again tomorrow and hopefully we'll get you sorted out."
On the third day, the guy comes back to the Doc's office and as usual in goes the sandwich - but this time the Doc takes an apple and shoves it in after it.
The hookworm immediately pops his head out and says, "HEY, where's my fuckin' COOKIE??!"
Sorry if this joke is a repost. My wife told it to me yesterday and I had to share it. Keep laughing everybody, especially in hard times <3
God asks Adam “Where is Eve?”
Adam says “she’s at the river washing her pussy”.
God says “Damn you, Adam. I’m never gonna be able to get that smell off the fishes again...”
It was 1988. A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot...
... One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”
He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”
“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sheena, but she prefers to be called 'shee', and she’s selling batteries.”
“Batteries?” cried the wife.
“Yes,” he replied. “Shee sells C cells by the Seashore.”
Two people having sex is called a twosome
Three people having sex is a threesome
Four is, a foursome.
That must be why my mum always called me handsome.
Thứ Sáu, 15 tháng 1, 2021
A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out.
She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group
Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.
"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending way too much time lining up their putts, always in the sand traps...and they don't see us trying to play through!"
The pro says, "Well, you see, last year there was an awful fire at the clubhouse. And these four firemen were injured fighting the blaze. They all lost their eyesight! Well, since they did so much to save us, the least we can do is let them golf here whenever they want to."
The doctor says, "Oh, that's horrible! You know, I know a lot of good eye doctors. I'm sure they can do something to help restore their sight."
The lawyer says, "Hmm, I wonder if their masks were defective. I can probably file a huge lawsuit against the manufacturers. Pro bono!"
The priest says, "They are saints! I will pray for them and use their story as an example of courage and selflessness in my next sermon."
The engineer asks, "Why don't they play at night?"
I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner
It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.
I guess more just grain.
Fermented grain.
Distilled, fermented grain.
I had whisky for dinner tonight.
500 bricks on a plane
Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?
A. 499
Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.
Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
A. Open refrigerator, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close refrigerator.
Q. It's the lions birthday and he invites everyone in the jungle. Everyone turns up but one animal, what animal is it and why?
A. The giraffe, he's in the refrigerator.
Q. Sally is an explorer. She is walking through a jungle when suddenly she comes across a crocodile infested river. There are no bridges over it. Sally swims over and is not bitten by a single crocodile. How?
A. All the crocodiles are at the lions party.
Q. Sally dies anyway, why?
A. She is hit in the head by a brick.
Two CEOs meet after....
One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:
"look I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."
The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does she do... You know other things?"
"You're welcome to take her for a spin" winks the first one.
So the other one takes her to the toilet and after fifteen minutes agonizing screams are heard from the toilet.
The first CEO slaps himself on the forehead and yells: "Shit! I forgot to tell him she has a pencil sharpener in her ass!"
Translated from Slovenian so sorry for a bad translation lol.
I tried my best to translate this from Romanian
A nun walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender
Nun: Hi! May I use your bathroom?
Bartender: Sure thing! But before you go in there's something you should know.
Nun: Yes?
Bartender: When you walk in, there's gonna be a statue of a dude wearing nothing but a leaf.
Nun: That's fine! Thank you!
The nun comes out of the bathroom and everyone is clapping and cheering.
Nun: Why is everyone cheering?
Bartender: Congratulations! You're one of us now!
Nun: I'm sorry but I don't understand.
Bartender: Well, the lights turn off everytime somebody lifts up the leaf.
Thứ Năm, 14 tháng 1, 2021
Johnny was in class when his teacher asks
Johnny was in class when his teacher asks:
-Johnny, there are five birds on a tree. You shoot one, how many are left.
-None, miss. The others will fly away!
-The right answer is four, but i like the way you think.
Johnny goes quiet, and then raises his hand.
-Yes?
-Miss, there are three ladies eating ice lollies. One is sucking it, one is licking it and one is biting it. Which one is the married one?
The teacher goes red, starts to sweat and nervously says:
-The one that's licking it?
Johnny smiles.
_No, miss. The one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think...
Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference.
The three lawyers by a ticket each while the engineers by only one. The lawyers laugh at the engineers crying how can three people travel by train using only one ticket. The engineers respond with “you’ll see”.
They all board the train and the lawyers take a seat while the engineers cram into the bathroom. The train departs and soon after the conductor comes around collecting everyone’s tickets.
He gets to the bathroom and knocks on the door. “Tickets please”. The door opens just a bit and a hand shoots out with the ticket. The conductor take it and moves onto the next person.The lawyers think this is ingenious and decide to try it for themselves in the way back from the conference.
However on the return home while the lawyers were buying their single ticket, the notices the engineers weren’t buying any. They asked “how are three of you going to travel with out a ticket”. The engineers respond with “you’ll see”.
The lawyers cram into the bathroom and the engineers cram into one nearby. Shortly after the train leaves the station one of the engineers come out of their bathroom and go over to the lawyers one. They knock on the door.
“tickets pls”.
Told to me by a six year old.
Why was the snow yellow?
Because Elsa let it go!
I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow
Edit. Did not know it was my cake day! I think this is my first joke post. Just wanted to share.
Hopefully it translates well from Russian
A wife gave birth to a redhead child. It was obviously not her husband's as he had black hair. She asked the doctor to help cover it up. Doctor stepped out of the room to talk to the husband. "How often do you have sex with your wife" he asked the husband. "About once every 3 months" husband replied. "Well, then go see what your rusty cock made"
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A man goes to the doctor
“DOCTOR I NEED HELP!“ he says.
The doctor asked curiously “why are you shouting?“
“I DON’T KNOW, I’VE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS, CAN YOU FIND THE REASON?“ the man shouts back.
So the doctor examines the man, and after a while concludes that somehow, the man’s large penis is causing the shouting, he says so and the man agrees to a reduction procedure.
But after a while, the man finds himself lacking in the bedroom department and goes back to the doctor and asks him to stitch the rest of his penis back on.
“NO I THREW IT AWAY!“ the doctor shouts.
Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?
A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.
He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.
When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our ladies are booked up tonight. But for just $5, you can go to the back room and fuck a chicken”.
Seeing as he drove all this way, Steve decided to take the offer, fucked the chicken, and drove home.
The next day, feeling unaccomplished, he decides to drive down to the brothel again to make up for the night before.
When he arrives, he is told once again that all of the ladies are booked for the night. Instead of a chicken, the owner offered to let him watch two dwarfs have sex in the back room for $5. Once again, he accepts the offer.
He enters the room to see two dwarfs having sex, with a few other spectators. After some time passes, he turns to the man next to him and says “is it just me, or is this kind of weird”?
The man replies “You think THIS is weird? Yesterday we watched a guy fuck a chicken”!
A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the young man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Next the frog yells, "Okay okay, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you FOREVER and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the young man took the frog out, then he chuckled at it and put it back in his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The young man said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Thứ Tư, 13 tháng 1, 2021
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this odd so he mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christian's. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian.
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. They arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how they all returned as Christians.
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd I sent . . ."
Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back. "What's up?" asks his mate. "Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress." His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you." He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
I saw my dwarf of a neighbour at a bus stop.
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I offered.
"Fuck off!" He yelled.
"What an ungrateful little cunt," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and kept walking.
A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...
He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.
The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. Ashamed, he admitted he had this urge to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter, went to the psychiatrist, who told him to do it so he went ahead and did it. So he got fired immediately.
His wife in shock checked whether everything was ok with his "belongings". Everything was fine... so she asked: "What happend to the cucumber cutter?"
Worker: " I think she got fired, too!"
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