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Thứ Sáu, 31 tháng 8, 2018

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, dear," replied granny, "many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She then paused to wipe a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Have a turkish joke

A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book. The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author"

Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors...

...who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Dave also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Johnny doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

Johnny whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the other guy to fix the fence for $700."

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

Why can't miss piggy count to 100?

She has a frog in her throat at 69

What did the Catholic priest say to the other Catholic priest as they entered the orphanage?

"Let us prey."

An engineer who was unemployed....

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." .
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." .
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." .
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500.

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick..

How low can you get?

"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss

"Just pop it in the corner" he said

3 fucking hours, it took me.

I broke my finger last week

On the other hand, I'm okay

I've developed an irrational fear of escalators.

I always find myself taking steps to avoid them.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

Marriage is like a deck of cards

You start with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing you had a club and a spade.

“Father, do you have anything to declare?”

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”

Why Your Brain Can't Let Go Of A Grudge

Why Your Brain Can't Let Go Of A Grudge
Feuds seem to be an indelible aspect of the human condition, but why should this be? We spoke to the experts to find out why we love to hold a grudge, and the importance of letting go.

August 30, 2018 at 10:26PM
via Digg

I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

A guy walks into a bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."

The bartender tells him, "I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!" The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.

The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, "O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please."

The bartender asks him, "It didn't work, huh?"

The guy says, "N-n-nope. B-but y-your h-h-house is r-r-really n-n-nice."

I'm against lesbian couples adopting a child...

Which one is going to tell the dad jokes?

Thứ Năm, 30 tháng 8, 2018

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen are debating philosophy.

The question arises over the course of their debates: What separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."

"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."

"I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."

All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering.

"The Channel."

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them.

To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"

I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer.

A boy calls 9-11.

"9-11 what is your emergency?"

The boy replied, "My parents are fighting and I'm scared.."

"Well who's your father?"

"Well that's what they're fighting about."

An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

twelve year old son

“I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women’s skirts today,” a man told the barman after his second whiskey.

“That’s pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn’t it?” The barman said.

“Not on fucking eBay it isn’t!”

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly

I'm not a fan.

After 23 school shootings in 2018

We did it. We finally banned straws.

How does The Rock pee?

He Dwaynes his Johnson.

Edit: Guilded?? For this?!? HAHAHAHA That’s the funniest thing to happen all week! It’s been a rough week for me. Meh. Thanks, kind stranger!! Totally brightened my day!

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

Money for Nothing

Money for Nothing
Many jobs are pointless. Others are being automated away. In the future, who will still work for a paycheck?

August 30, 2018 at 01:25AM
via Digg

Why are gay men so well dressed?

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

A company had a position open that required a great deal of sensitivity dealing with people...

A company had a position open that required a great deal of sensitivity dealing with people. They devised a strategy to weed out inappropriate candidates during the interview. They had a person working for the company who was born without ears, so they had him perform the interviews.

The first interviewee fails immediately when he walks in and says, "Dude, what happened to your ears?"

The second never made mention of the interviewer's lack of ears, but was very obviously looking at where his ears should have been.

The third walked in, sat calmly, and never seemed to notice the interviewer's lack of ears. At the end of the interview even the interviewer was impressed because he had never spoken to anyone for that length of time with some kind of reaction. The interviewer was so curious he couldn't resist asking, "So, did you notice anything strange or different about me?"

"Like what?"

"Anything, anything at all."

After making an obvious show of carefully looking the interviewer over, the interviewee says, "The only thing I can think of is that you wear contacts."

"Hey, that's right, I do wear contacts! How'd you know?"

"Well you can't wear glasses; you don't have any fucking ears."

How many dads does it take to change a lightbulb?

Into what?

Doctor, I have a sexual problem.

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting

I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library...

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I'M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

Thứ Tư, 29 tháng 8, 2018

The 6th grade science teacher...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the mother asks "Oh my God, what's wrong?"

"Well, you were recovering for a long time," the doctor says solemnly, "we had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them..."

Shocked, the mother asks "What did he name the girl?"

The doctor lets out a sigh and says "Denise."

"Oh!" The mother says, "That's a lovely name, what about the boy?"

The doctor places a hand on the mother's shoulder, shaking his head he says...


"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"

The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.

A man running from the police runs into the Catholic church and hides in confession box..

Another person enters the other side and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned"

The man not wanting to get caught says, "What have you done my daughter?"

She says, "I have had anal sex with my boyfriend, I know sex is for making children, please forgive me . What is my penance?"

The man not knowing what to say, quickly opens his side of the confession box and sees a choir boy walking by , "Hey Kid what does the Priest give for anal sex?"

He responds, "A can of pop and a bag of chips"

My wife left me, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/gonewild.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

The Man Who Was Raised By Wolves

The Man Who Was Raised By Wolves
Abandoned as a child, Marcos Rodríguez Pantoja survived alone in the wild for 15 years. But living with people proved to be even more difficult.

August 28, 2018 at 07:49PM
via Digg

Whoever coined the phrase “dad bod” missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

What does a girl want more than anything in the world?

Nothing. She's fine.

An ant knocked on the door of a house.

The house owner opened the door.

"I want a place to stay," said the ant.

"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free" said the owner.

Thankful, the ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.

After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the owner, "Can you please allow this fellow ant to stay with me?"

"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.

After some days the ant brought a third ant and requested the owner to allow it to stay with them.

The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.

This went on as the ant brought in more and more ants and the owner agreed to let them stay without any rent.

One fine day, the ant brought in the tenth ant and requested the owner to allow it to stay with them all.

The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but now you all need to pay rent...

You are now tenants".

What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?


While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."

The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?"

The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror,  "Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion... !!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

"Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself."

Thứ Ba, 28 tháng 8, 2018

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Why is your belt so tight?

I went for an early walk through the cemetery yesterday.

And as I walked I saw a man squatting behind a gravestone. “Morning” I said to him, to which he replied “no, just taking a shit”.

As a kid I was made to walk the plank

We couldn't afford a dog

A lady sneezes on a plane

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper.”

The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a pregnant lady was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach. She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, all her 3 children (including her) were safe still had the bullets in their bodies. The doctor said that they should be fine, but there are risks and they'll be operated when their bodies are mature enough. They were triplets. Fast forward to 15 years, one day the first daughter comes up to her mother and tells her that she was taking a leak and she felt a shot of pain in her abdomen, and surprisingly, it was the bullet. The mother told her what happened 15 years ago. The second daughter and she had the same story and the mother told her everything. This time, the son approached, the mom hesitated and asked, ' Lemme guess, you were taking a leak and you felt a shot of pain before a bullet came out?" The son replied, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries”

Apparently “through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting.

I Germans and an Italian

At the end of WW2, as the Allies were starting to win, there were 3 prisoners of war held together in a cell. Two were German officers and one an Italian soldier. The men were to be held for questioning. The first day the Allied soldiers took the first German in to be questioned. The guards sit him in a chair and tie his arm behind him so he can't move. They pressed and pressed but after hours of interrogation he finally cracks and gives away some key troop positioning. The intel is confirmed good and he is thrown back in the cell only a little worse for ware. The next day they decide to take in the second German officer. In the same manner as the first they sit him down, tie him up and begin the interrogation. They spend hours trying to get him to crack but with some physical convincing he gives up the cypher key he knows. The guards then toss him back in the cell, a little beaten but nothing too bad. On the third day the guards take away the Italian. They take the entire day trying to get him to crack but no amount of convincing or torture will even get a word from his lips. At the end of the day with nothing to show the toss the nearly beaten to death Italian back in the cell. The guard says "You WILL talk tomorrow" Thoroughly impressed by the Italians devotion to the cause the Germans ask how he kept his secrets. The Italian says: "How do they expect me to talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

3 guys were riding in a car; a hardware technician, a systems analyst and a programmer.

The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, he pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?

What do the Titanic and Sixth Sense have in common

Icy Dead People

Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray."

Blonde: "I've never dated anyone by that name."

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

Woman's Juggling Trick Is Wildly Satisfying

Woman's Juggling Trick Is Wildly Satisfying
We've found our newest Instagram obsession, and we are thoroughly relaxed.

August 28, 2018 at 03:10AM
via Digg

The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut.

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because this stupid parrot keeps reposting crappy jokes" said the pet store employee.

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One is an elephant.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are

That’s your parents’ job.

Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.

Oxytocin is known to increase erotic vocalizations during sex. Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.

It's a very powerful whore-moan.

A little boy was doing his math homework

...saying to himself, 2+5 the son of bitch is 7,

3+6 the son of bitch is 9

His mother heard this & asked "Why are you swearing?"

Boy, "Mom this is how the teacher taught us all."

Furious, the mother called the teacher: "Are u teaching math to children by saying 2+2, the son of bitch is 4?"

The teacher started laughing & answered: "What I taught them was, 2+2, the sum of which is 4"

Why can a 747 never crash?

When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'

Thứ Hai, 27 tháng 8, 2018

A woman gets married and has 10 kids.

Eventually, her husband dies, and she waits a year to grieve and gets married a second time. With that husband she has 8 kids.

That husband also dies, so she ends up getting married a third time. She has 6 kids with this man.

After a few years, this husband also dies. Finally, the woman dies a few years later.

At her funeral, the priest exclaims "Praise Jesus, for they have finally been brought together again at long last!"

One if her friends in the audience asks her husband "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The husband replies, "Actually, I think he's talking about her legs."

"I'm leaving you!..."

“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”

“But honey, what about our child?”

“What child?!”

“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”

Three Russians are sitting together in the train that takes them to the Gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."

Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"

"Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."

By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.

I’m a tour guide at a museum, and when I told a group that the fossil they were looking at was 65 million years and 3 weeks old, they asked me where the 3 weeks came from.

I said well it was 65 million years old when I was hired here, and that was 3 weeks ago.

A philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

A philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"

The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.

"Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live.

As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, request that's always granted by the two.

Every time they stop to a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person.

At sunset the devil sees that Jack was very tired and decides to show him the house he'll be spending the rest of eternity into.

As they walk to Jack's new house the two pass close to a huge wall and Jack asks: "What's behind there?"

Satan: "Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind"

Despite his curiosity Jack thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he'd be back the following morning to show him the recreational center before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day.

That night however Jack kept thinking back at the whole situation he's in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day.

After a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn't even tell him he decided he should investigate, as such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was.

Once there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall.

Jack took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be.

On the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help.

Jack rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair.

The following morning Satan showed up once again and told Jack to come with him.

Jack pleaded: "PLEASE! PLEASE! Don't take me to hell, I'll do anything just let me stay here, I don't wanna burn for all eternity!"

Satan: "What are you talking about??? I'm just gonna show you the recreational center like I told you yesterday"

Jack: "Don't lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!"

Satan: "Ooooh you saw that! Don't worry that's not for you, that's the Christian hell"

Jack: "The christian hell? Why would the christian hell be like that?"

Satan: "I don't know either man, they just want it that way"

John McCain Dies At 81

John McCain Dies At 81
McCain, a longtime Republican Senator, died on Saturday, little more than a year after he was told he had brain cancer.

August 26, 2018 at 07:34AM
via Digg

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he's so cheap?"

"Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs."

A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?"

The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it."

The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing...

"Psst...come here. I need to talk to you."


"It's about your wife."

"Yeah, what about her?"

"And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee."


"Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on.

"Holy shit...that can't be possible."

"It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy."

"Well," the man asks,"what happened next?"

"I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."

I was voted “Least likely to Suceed” by my high school class.

I hate being a teacher.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"

A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his crotch

When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a sexy woman, the hat would lift by itself."

A college professor started to notice that one of his students, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:

"Dave, is that you?".

I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

Chủ Nhật, 26 tháng 8, 2018

"I'd like this book on revenge please"

Cashier: "You'll pay for that."

John dies and passes on to the afterlife...

He comes to, looks around and finds himself in what looks like the dirtiest alley of the world's worst urban center. As he's trying to come to terms with what's happening he hears a voice say, "Hey there old friend, fancy meeting you here."

John looks up and sees his old friend Jack! "Jack, how is this possible? I though you died in a car wreck almost five years ago..."

Jack replies, "I did, and it looks like you died too. Come on, let's get you some food and I'll explain everything." Jack leads John to what looks like a soup kitchen, inside is full of people waiting patiently in two lines. In one line they are grabbing bowls of soup and in the other they are taking cups of fruit punch.

The pair take some soup and fruit punch and Jack explains to John that this is the afterlife. He tells John that the afterlife is divided into multiple circles and that the way to move up is to save enough money. Currently they're in the lowest circle. It costs ten thousand dollars for a ticket to the next one. Jack then goes on to tell how he was actually on his way to buy his ticket as he found John.

"Now John... It'll be tempting to spend some money making your time here more comfortable, but I promise that if you do that, you'll never make it out of here."

With that final warning Jack bids John farewell with a promise to see each other on the other side.

Soon after John lands a job picking trash out of alleys and after five years of hard toil saves up ten thousand dollars. He purchases his ticket and heads through the gate to the next circle.

On the other side he is greeted by white picket fence and cookie cutter ranch houses, the trappings of middle class suburbia.

A familiar voice flags him down, "John old friend! It's so good to see you!" Sure enough it's Jack. The two decide to catch up over lunch. They head to what looks like a back yard barbecue, there are once again two lines of people. One for hotdogs, hamburgers and the like and the other for fruit punch.

The two take their food and sit beneath a tree, catching up. "I'm so glad you made it John, but don't get complacent now. It's a hundred thousand dollars for the next circle... As a matter of fact I'm on my way there now. Good luck, and don't forget my warning from last time."

The two part and soon after John gets a job driving a garbage truck. It's a long time but eventually after ten years he saves up enough.

John buys his ticket and heads through the gate. Before him lies an exquisite gated community. Mansions dot the landscape, complete with tennis courts, swimming pools and any other commodity you could imagine.

Much like last time a familiar voice hails him.

"John! I was worried you wouldn't ever make it! Let's grab some food and catch up."

The two head over to an extravagant banquet hall. As before there are two lines, one for all the most lavish foods John's ever seen: caviar, roast pheasant, braised swan to name a few. The other line is quite simply fruit punch.

They take their food and sit at one of the many tables. Jack informs John that he could stay here if he wished, bit if he could save up one million dollars he would gain entry to the final circle, the closest thing to his notion of heaven in this afterlife.

Once again, Jack bids John farewell, as he's already got his ticket.

After the meal and much deliberation John decides to follow in his friend's footsteps.

John gets a job as a supervisor for regional waste management and after twenty more long years of work saves up one million dollars.

He buys his ticket and steps through a gleaming golden gate. On the other side people are walking down a radiant street in naught but pure white robes, whose look and feel reminded John of clouds.

Looking down John notices he's wearing the same, and that all of his aches, worries, and weariness has vanished.

Of course, waiting for him is his oldest friend Jack.

"Welcome, my dear friend. Let's grab a bite and catch up, one last time."

They head to a gilded ampitheater where the most heavenly ambrosia is being served. The smell reminded John of all his favorite foods, the scent of loves past and the whiff of treasured memories.

John pauses however, frowning. He turns to Jack and asks, "Where's the punchline?"

Jack replies, "There isn't one."

What happens when you neglect to pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

A Pop Star, A Protest, And A Likely Case Of Torture In Uganda

A Pop Star, A Protest, And A Likely Case Of Torture In Uganda
The singer-turned-legislator Bobi Wine disappeared into government custody more than a week ago. When he re-emerged, he could barely stand up.

August 26, 2018 at 09:03PM
via Digg

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

A young man gets a job at the local grocery store.

His job is to bag the customers' groceries at checkout. It's mindless work, but he does not complain and performs his job well.

After working in the store for a couple of months, the store's produce section gets a juicing machine. Customers bring their selections of fruits and vegetables to the machine and an attendant juices the produce for them, making the freshest of juices.

The young man, wanting to move beyond bagging groceries, asks the manager if he can have the job of juice machine attendant. The manager denies his request.

The young man is upset, but figures that he will continue to prove his worth bagging groceries and eventually he will get the juicing job. Another few months pass and the young man approaches his manager again.

"Ma'am, I would like to request the job of juice machine attendant." Sadly, the manager denies his request once again.

"I don't understand," the young man says. "I'm professional, I'm reliable, and I'm great with the customers. I work hard and I deserve that position. I'm tired of bagging groceries."

The manager sighs and says, "you're a wonderful worker, that's true, but I simply cannot give you the job. You know what they say... baggers can't be juicers."

A woman and her lover were in bed, when the woman heard her husband getting back.

The woman said “Quick! Rub baby powder on you and pretend to be a statue.” The lover did that.

The husband walked into the room. “Honey, what’s this statue doing here?” He asked. “I saw that the Smiths got one, so I decided to get one as well.” She replied. The husband got into bed, and the woman fell asleep. A few hours later, after checking his wife was asleep, he quietly got up, walked into kitchen, made a sandwich and got a glass of milk, came back, and went to the statue.

“Here, have something to eat and drink. I stood like an idiot for 3 days at the Smiths, and no one offered me anything to eat!”

The best insult ever is, "who is this clown?", because...

1- You are calling them a clown

2- You are saying they are not even a well known clown

A man goes to a doctor because he has a tapeworm

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says to him: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The man is very confused but does as he’s told.

The patient and the doctor repeat this process for 5 days. On the sixth day, the doctor tells the patient: Tomorrow bring two bananas but instead of a Snickers bar, bring a mallet. The patient is again confused but does as he’s told.

The next day the doctor inserts both bananas up the guy’s butt and quickly grabs the mallet and waits.

All of the sudden, the tapeworm pops out saying : Hey! Where’s my Snickers bar?


A gamer walks into a bar...

...and asks the barkeep "you got a console to play on?" And the barkeep says "yeah, but only have one game for it." The gamer shrugs, orders a cider and sits down to play.

While he's playing another guy walks in and says "hey, that guy with the cider is playing my game!" And the barkeep asks "oh did you want a turn?" And he says "no, I mean I'm the developer, I made the game." So the barkeep says "oh shit, have a free beer then." So the developer takes the beer and sits next to the gamer to watch him play.

Then a third guy walks in and says to the barkeep "oh shit, that guy with the beer is a famous developer!" And runs over, kneels in front of the dev, and puts his dick in his mouth and just goes to town deepthroating it.

Then the guy sucking on the dick turns to the gamer and tries to talk to him with the dick in his mouth. This distracts the gamer and he dies.

Enraged, he asks "why the fuck were you distracting me?" And the guy takes the dick out of his mouth and says "I was trying to tell you my review of the game." So the gamer asks "why would you try to review a game with the dev's dick in your mouth?"

"Because I work for IGN."

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

Husband is walking behind his wife and says, "Your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."

The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking. Bedtime comes around, the husband starts getting amorous. Wife says: "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand!"

A man in an unhappy marriage has an attractive secretary

One day, the sexual tension between him and his secretary gets to be too much to bear, and in the middle of the work day they rush out in secret, grab a hotel, and fuck all afternoon. The sex was so good that both of them pass out. When the man wakes up, he realizes it's 7:00 pm, and he's late for dinner.

Realizing that his wife is going to be very angry at him and demand to know where he's been, he decides to take his shoes and run them through the grass outside as much as he can. After his shoes get good and scuffed with grass, he drives home.

His wife, predictably, is there waiting for him, and madder than the fire of a thousand suns. His food is on the table, already cold. She is holding a frying pan, and demands to know where he was.

"Honey," he said. "I'm not going to lie to you. I was having sex with my secretary all afternoon in a hotel. That is the unvarnished truth."

Suspicious, his wife looks him up and down. Then she notices the grass stains on his shoes.

"You lying sack of shit," she says. "You've been off playing golf, haven't you!"

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM

I asked him what he was doing and he said he was checking his balance.

A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: What color is your Ferrari?

Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00..

Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..


Thứ Bảy, 25 tháng 8, 2018

Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

My bosses tie

I asked a homeless girl if I could take her home.

She smiled and said “yes!” But seemed very surprised when I took her cardboard box and walked away.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today...

I told him, that's the last thing I need.

Two monkeys, one is lucky and the other is not...

Everyday they go to a banana farm and the lucky one climbs a tree and throws the bananas to the other one. And everyday, the farm owner gathers the farmers and catch the unlucky monkey and beat him.

One day, the unlucky monkey is fed up with the beating and tells the lucky monkey to wait while he climbs the tree and throw the bananas. This time, the farmers catch the lucky monkey.

The farm owner says:

Leave him, we have already beaten him many times. Get me that motherfucker on the tree this time.

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes, we arson."

What’s the difference between America and Ethiopia

There’s Ethiopian food in America

Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken always comes in another box.

This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

What's one thing you dont want to have while putting out a fire?

Verizon Wireless.

How many ants does it take to fill an apartment


The Best Movies Of 1998

The Best Movies Of 1998
Two decades later, they still shine, if only a little less bright than a diamond necklace dropped to the bottom of the ocean.

August 25, 2018 at 12:39AM
via Digg

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-sized teddy bears, and on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other.

She begins to think that he's gentle and sweet, and isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the best night of his life. She goes down on him, and lets him really give it to her in any position he wants, and even takes it in the rear!

In the morning as she's getting dressed, she smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and replies, "Hmmm not too bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf!"

You know the saying "bros before hoes"?

Well, I've found out how I can balance my relationships between the two evenly...

...a homie-hoe-stasis, if you will

A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "Oh that's a moose!"

The Scotsman bugged out his eyes and cried, "Holy crap! How big are the cats?!"

I got fired from my job at a carpet shop

Apparently asking customers "fancy a shag?" is inappropriate ?

This lady at the pub...

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

Satan Appears in a Church

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.


More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?!"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years."

My black friend and I were in the library when he asked where the coloured printer was.

I said, "Shit, man, it's 2018. You can use whatever printer you want."

Give a man an egg and he’ll eat for a day

Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you’re “taking science too far.”

Thứ Sáu, 24 tháng 8, 2018

A guy goes to a museum

On the tour, the tour guide shows them an exhibition and tells them, "this is the very first, teepee designed to securely hold criminals. The Native Americans used it to house convicts".

The next day, the guy is passing the museum and sees they are taking down the name on the front of the museum. He sees the tour guide observing the work, so he decides to inquire if the museum is being closed down.

Tour guide: No, we're just changing the name.

Visitor: Oh, why is that?

Tour Guide: You know that exhibition I showed you yesterday, the very first teepee used to house criminals? Well, it was stolen last night.

Visitor: I don't believe it. But why are ye changing the name, and to what?

Tour Guide: Well, we want the name to give the public a good idea of what they can expect to find in the museum. So, we're changing the name to r/Jokes. That way, the public will know that we now lack the Original Con Tent.

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

They become VERY ANGRY.

An old man in a wheel chair stole my camouflage jacket.

Bastard can hide but he can't run.

So i just ate at this new restaurant called “Karma”

They don’t have menus, they just give you what you deserve.

On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters.

She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.

Tuesday, she was again greeted with "penis" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for the rest of the week, "penis" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.

"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"

On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?"

A lumberjack chopped off my teeth

But later he apologized and said it was axedental.

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try... fucking goldfish died.

Boobs are like legos

They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them


Guy works in the pickle factory, comes home after work and tells his wife, "Bad news, honey. I've been fired".

"What? Why? What happened?"

"Well, I've always wanted to put my penis in the pickle slicer and, well, today I finally did it."

"My god, no! Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

"What about the pickle slicer?"

"They fired her, too."

Hurricane Lane Is The Biggest Weather Threat To Hawaii In Decades

Hurricane Lane Is The Biggest Weather Threat To Hawaii In Decades
Over a million people in Hawaii are already seeing the first signs of Hurricane Lane, a Category 4 cyclone that could become the first major hurricane to make landfall there in 26 years.

August 23, 2018 at 07:40PM
via Digg

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble. Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?' The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect. Jonny replied 'That's good cos he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!'

I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight"

Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use twice a year

Thứ Năm, 23 tháng 8, 2018

What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?

White people looking both ways before they start

A guy hasn’t had sex in a while...(long)

A guy hasn’t had sex in a while so his friend says he should get a hooker. He asks his friend how to spot a hooker, to which his friend says,” I know the perfect place, just meet me at the old Riverside Run Bar and Grill tonight.”

Although he was hesitant, his hormones get the best of him so that night he goes and meets his friend at the bar.

They’re hanging around when they spot a very beautiful woman, dressed in all red, who keeps walking outside with men and coming back in with wads of cash.

Finally after working a bit of courage he goes to the woman and asks if she’s available for work tonight.

The woman replies,”Yes, it’s $500 for hand job.”

“$500?! You’ve got to be kidding me!”

The hooker grabs him by his arm and leads him outside in front of the bar. “You see that new Corvette? I bought that with the money from my handjobs alone.”

The man thinks for a second, finally agreeing to it.

He hands her $500, they get into the Corvette and he gets the best hand job he’s ever had in his life, he has the biggest orgasm he’s ever had and is completely satisfied.

A few weeks ago by and the man is getting desperate again as dating is still going nowhere, so he decides to hit her up once again.

“Are you available for work tonight? The handjob was great but I’d love to see how you are with your mouth.”

“Of course,” she says. “It’s $2,000 for a blowjob.”

“$2,000?! You can’t be serious! That expensive hand job is one thing, but $2,000 is almost my entire take-home pay for a month!”

She grabs him by the arm and takes him outside. “You see this bar here? I bought the Riverside Run Bar and Grill with the money from my blowjobs alone.”

Shocked, but in belief from their first encounter, he hands over $2,000. She takes him to the alley next to the bar and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had. He cums even harder this time and can barely walk. He’s completely satisfied.

A few months go by and he shows up one night at the bar and sees the hooker again.

“I’ve saved up for three and a half months, I have about $5,000. I’ve gotta have some of that pussy! If I need more I can get it.”

She grins devilishly and grabs him by the arm and leads him outside once again.

She looks across the river next to the bar. You see the new island where they’re building that new theme park and shopping plaza?”

“Holy fuck...” he gasps. You mean to tell me...”

“Nah,” she says,”But if I had a pussy I’d own that motherfucker.”

A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end.

"You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like."

He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks.

"Hi, can Dave come to the phone?"

"I told you you have the wrong number"

"That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like"

He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks.

"Is Dave available?"


"And that's rage."

"Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows.

"And what might that be?" asks the professor.

"It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate" He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number.

"Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?"

Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear

He asked me to describe the symptoms. I said “homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair”

Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus".

Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids".

Today I decided I won't smoke anymore

I won't smoke any less either though.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Saturday, Sunday

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,


I went to get a prostate exam and the doctor told me I need to stop masterbating...

I asked why?

He said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

What does titanic and the sixth sense have in common?

Icy dead people

A father walks in on his daughter having sex

Father: What the hell is going on in here?!

Daughter: Dad! Oh my god, I’m sorry!

Father: Hi Sorry, I’m Dad!

the father turns to her boyfriend

Father: Are you fucking sorry?

Two rednecks are out having a nice dinner

Two redneck buddies are out having a nice dinner. The restaurant was overflowing with people chatting and chewing. Right as the two of them were about to order dessert they hear: “someone help! She’s choking!” from across the restaurant. One of the rednecks jumps up and tears through the crowd yelling “I got this!” He finally reaches the choking woman right as her lips started to turn blue. He takes her by the shoulders from behind and forces her to bend over. While one swift move he bends down behind her, lifts her dress, and licks her right on her butt cheek. The woman is so surprised that she immediately spits out the piece of food she was choking on. She gives the redneck a weary “thank you” and sits back down. The redneck gets back to his seat, all the while his buddy is sitting there with his mouth open. His buddy says “man, what the heck was that about?!” The redneck looks at him confused and says “what? You ain’t never heard of the hind-lick maneuver?”

We All Live In Parasocial Hell

We All Live In Parasocial Hell
There's an academic term for one-sided, media-enabled relationships: parasocial relationships. Video essayist Shannon Strucci is helping spread it to an online audience that desperately needs the language.

August 22, 2018 at 06:52PM
via Digg

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says

"How do you drive this thing?"

So I was walking downstairs from my apartment and my elbow hit the chest of a girl whom I had never seen.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your chest then you will forgive me", I said to her.

"If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I live on the 4th floor", she replied.

Thứ Tư, 22 tháng 8, 2018

A joke is like a frog

When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.

Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password

It just isn't stroganoff.

My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.”

Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.

What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow.

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:

Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."

A man with a 20 inch penis goes to the doctor

He says "Doc, 20 inches is way too much! I'm having trouble with my daily life, and no woman even dares to come near me! This thing has ruined my life! Is it possible to reduce it to something more manageable?"

"Surgery can't help," the doctor explains. "But while I can't recommend this officially as a physician, there's a method I've heard of that could help you out. Just out of the city, in the swamps down south, there's a golden frog that can talk. Find it, then ask it to marry you. It'll say no, of course, but every time it does your penis will shrink by 4 inches. Do it as many times as you need."

Naturally, the man was skeptical, but he decided to give it a shot - what did he have to lose, after all? So that very same day he drove south to the swamps, beginning his search for the elusive golden frog. He spent all afternoon, all evening, then all night searching for the frog, to no avail. And then, as if by some miracle, he spotted something gold and shiny perched up on a log. No question about it, it was the golden frog! Ecstatic, the man sneaked up on the frog to make sure he didn't scare it, and when he was close enough asked:

"Golden frog, will you marry me?"

"No," responded the frog with a human, female voice.

The man looked inside his pants and, lo and behold, his penis had visibly shrunk! If the doctor was right, then he was now sitting at 16 inches. It was still unmanageably large, but he was on the right track!

"Golden frog, will you marry me?" He repeated.

"No," the golden frog replied in turn.

Looking inside his pants again, the man noticed another visible shrink! This was amazing! If the doctor was right, then his penis was now only 12 inches! The man decided to ask just once more, since while an 8 inch penis was still very impressive, it was going to be small enough to not interfere with his every day life.

"Golden frog, will you marry me?"

"How many times do I have to tell you?" The frog turned to him, annoyed. "No, no, no!!!"

New research shows 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

This is my first time. Please be gentle.

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all your booze?

Invite two of them!!

My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats.

Guess I can’t go on tumblr anymore.

I purchased a deodorant stick today

Instructions say, “Remove cap and push up bottom” I can hardly walk but the room smells lovely when I fart.

Yo momma is so fat

that when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy... feels good but then you look down and realize you’re gay.

Turns Out Border Collies, Like Us, Enjoy Revisiting Their Greatest Accomplishments

Turns Out Border Collies, Like Us, Enjoy Revisiting Their Greatest Accomplishments
Look, if you had won the 2017 Purina Pro Plan Incredible Dog Challenge, you'd probably feel pretty damn ecstatic when watching the video of your victory, too.

August 21, 2018 at 10:07PM
via Digg

Why were the Mongols always so happy?

They were nomads.

Wedding night revelations

A very religious couple, who have saved themselves until marriage, rush to their hotel room after the wedding ceremonies.

Before they go in, the bride, embarassed, says:

-My darling, I have a confession to make... I've been wearing padded bras this whole time, my boobs are so very small... To which the husband responds, lovingly:

-It's ok my darling, I love you whole, big tits or not! That said, I feel i have to say, I've got a baby-sized dick...

-That's all fine my love, i'll love you no matter what!

They proceed into the room, the groom starts to undress the bride and she is flat as an ironing board, he kisses her tiny boobs passionately, she reaches for his belt and starts undoing it, pulls his pants down, takes a look and promptly faints.

The now husband splashes some water on her face until she gets back to her senses... she mumbles:

-But, my love, you said you had a baby-sized penis!

-Well sure my dear, 18 inches long and 8 pounds!

Edit:sized 😂

What's a police officer's favorite gaming console?

Wii U Wii U Wii U

Two farmers are walking through a field...

Two farmers are walking through a field and come across a huge sinkhole in the ground.

“Wow!” says the first farmer, “I wonder how far down this thing goes.”

He takes a penny from his pocket and throws it into the sinkhole. The two farmers listen, but they never hear it hit the bottom.

The second farmer picks up a large rock off the ground and throws it into the sinkhole

Again, both farmers listen, but they never hear the rock hit the bottom.

The second farmer spies an anvil a few feet away, and together the two farmers struggle to haul the anvil over to the sinkhole. They throw it in, and listen, but it never seems to hit the bottom.

The farmers turn to leave, when all of a sudden, a goat comes speeding towards them at 30 miles an hour, and jumps straight into the sinkhole.

As they are leaving, a third farmer runs towards them, waving his hands.

“Have either of you seen a goat?” he asks frantically.

“Yes,” says the first farmer, “In fact, a goat just came galloping through the field and jumped right into that sinkhole there.”

“Impossible!” says the third farmer, “I had him tied to an anvil!”

Reddit servers went down today, so I went downstairs and spoke with my family.

They seem like nice people.

Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 8, 2018

What did God say after creating the first digestive system?

Shit just got real.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

How many of you forgave your enemies?

During Sunday mass, the priest asked the crowd:

-"How many of you forgave your enemies?"

Around 80% of them raised their hands. The priest then asked: "And how many of you intend to forgive your enemies?", and almost everyone's hand was now in the air. Everyone except a feeble, old lady in the front row.

-"Ms. Rogers, don't you intend on forgiving your enemies?"

-"I don't have any!", she replied through a chuckle.

-"Ms. Rogers, that's very unusual, how old are you?"

-"98", she proclaimed.

-"Oh, ms. Rogers, why don't you come up and share the secret with everyone? How does someone live to be 98 and no enemies?"

She walked up and gave everyone a polite smile before answering: -"I outlived the bitches."

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

The next time your wife gets angry...

put a cape (or bath towel) over her shoulders then tell her: "Now, you're Super Angry!"

Maybe she'll laugh...or maybe you'll die.

I was seeing this HOT chick about twice a week.

But last week she saw me and closes her blinds now.

A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

Man: Doctor my butt really hurts, I need help

Doctor: Can I take a look?

Man: Sure

Doctor: It seems you have a piece of lettuce stuck inside your butt

Man: That's just the tip of the iceberg

It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips

So now I only let her do it when it’s my turn to drive

A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska, and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska, you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."

The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky from the counter and painfully chugging it down. He then says that he'll be right back and ambles out the door.

A few hours later he stumbles back into the bar all mangled and bloody and says, "I did it! Now where's that Eskimo woman I'm supposed to shoot?"

My carbon monoxide detector won’t stop beeping.

It’s giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.

What goes down longer than a dirty street hooker?

Reddit's servers.

I wish I could be ugly for one day

Being ugly everyday sucks

America’s Invisible Pot Addicts

America’s Invisible Pot Addicts
More and more Americans are reporting near-constant cannabis use, as legalization forges ahead.

August 20, 2018 at 07:39PM
via Digg

Why was C afraid of every other letter in the alphabet?

Because all the other letters were not-C’s

My mom opened the door and caught me masturbating.

I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!" Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"

Dave cannot make his wife cum.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"

"Yeah, I've got a mate Francis"

"Well, ask your mate Francis to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."

So, Dave asks Francis for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Francis fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.

Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Francis, who is now shagging Dave's wife.

Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"

Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Francis?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"

How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?

Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Men can be Feminists, too.

Thứ Hai, 20 tháng 8, 2018

A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church

The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me ”

Highway Dildo

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.

When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield

The little girl asks: Mommy, what was that?

The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: It was just a bug honey.

The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: It sure had a big dick.

Will transparent coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses,...

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner." "Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding Rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!

My friend Dave drowned.

At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

How did Chris brown’s girlfriend find out that he was cheating on her?

She found another girl’s lipstick on his fist.

Tell the punchline first.

How do you ruin a joke?

I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!

A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him.

Robin Hood: "HALT!"

"I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!"

Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see"

Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!"

Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest.

The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!"


An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge, when suddenly a bald old woman appears.

"I am the witch who guards this bridge. Ye may only pass if you present to me a challenge which I cannot do."

The Englishman steps up first:

"I was the best footballer in my hometown. I bet you cannot kick a football further than me."

So the Englishman kicks a football, and it goes off into the distance, 5 football fields or so away. However the bald witch steps up and easily kicks the football twice as far. The Scotsman is next to challenge the witch.

"I was almost picked for the Olympic swimming team. I bet you can't swim to the other side of the river and back faster than me."

So the witch and the Scotsman jump in the river, but to the Scotsman's surprise the bald witch easily beats him to the other side and back.

The Irishman is the last to challenge the witch. He pauses for a moment, then pulls a comb out of his jacket pocket, looks the witch in the eyes, and starts combing his hair back.

"I bet you can't do this."

BUBBA died in a FIRE!!

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.

This Jenga Illusion Will Blow Your Mind For A Brief Moment

This Jenga Illusion Will Blow Your Mind For A Brief Moment
​We just wish the reveal would've come a bit later.

August 20, 2018 at 05:36AM
via Digg

Without the Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.

We would have IX/XI instead

I was reading a horror story in Braille, something bad was about to happen

I could feel it

A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At noon cock again screws 150 hens.

Next day, it's fucking the ducks and geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" Cock opens one eye, points up and says, "shhh! They're about to land!"

The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high

"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

  • Leviticus 20:13 ESV

What It's Like to Be A Big-Time Female Weed Trafficker

What It's Like to Be A Big-Time Female Weed Trafficker
"I am Queen C; I am this badass bitch. But I do have this secret."

August 19, 2018 at 11:01PM
via Digg

Chủ Nhật, 19 tháng 8, 2018

If I had a dollar everytime I thought about you

I would start thinking about you

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

I started up a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof.

A buddy said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” -

I said, “That’s Superman.”

He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but then he fell asleep

If not using commas was a crime

would it result in long sentences?

If two redheads have a child, it’s ginger-bred.

Yeah I reposted this for the 6th time in six years on this sub

My girlfriend changed a lot after she became vegan...

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on…

I’d be like “Yo, what’s with all these dimes?”

Did you hear about the mime that hung himself at the Trump rally?

He's fine -- fake noose.

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes there could be benefits to either choice. Perhaps the box of novels could be about sailing or survival. On the other hand the criminals could be experienced in sailing or survival.

He decides the most important thing about either is gonna be how heavy they are. He is going to be using a really small boat and too much weight could slow him down or cause him to sink.

In order to figure out which one will benefit him the most he decides to weigh the prose and cons.

As a German, you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is flawless.

A frog goes to a bank.

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''

The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''

''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''

''Yeah, he's my dad.''

''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''

The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''

The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''

''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''

The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheating. He mentions this to the little demon and suggests he could try to fix things. He also had a few ideas about redesigning the place to make it more efficient. The demon takes him to Lucifer, and Lucifer is enthusiastic about the whole idea and gives his permission.

A few months later God decides to visit Hell for an inspection. He is greeted by the new renovated Hell and he's absolutely speechless! The corridors are now well lit and properly ventilated. The air conditioning is working and the thermostat is fixed. The elevators are working again. There's no more loud noises of grinding and screeching coming from all the machinery. The lava spill has been contained. All the horrible fumes are now gone and the denizens of Hell use electric cars to travel. There's even a monorail being constructed. The electrical grid has gone geothermal. Cell coverage was full and there was even wifi. Not only that, but several clubs were under construction and there was already a kick-ass pool with attached jacuzzis. Some bulldozers were building a beach and a tropical-themed resort nearby. The condemned souls were enjoying their time playing sports in new gyms, walking in parks, racing with muscle cars, playing video games and doing all sorts of other activities.

God furiously works to Lucifer's office, kicks the door open and walks in

"What the hell is going on here Luci?"

"Well we got an engineer and he fixed the place up for us"

"You can't get engineers. Our contract clearly stipulates that all engineers belong with me in Heaven."

"Well too bad, I'm not giving him over"

"I'll take you to court you ungrateful bastard!"

"Ha, good luck finding a good lawyer up in your Heaven!"

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

Edit: Bloody hell, gold at 3 upvotes. Thanks Batman!

I had an idea for a movie plot.

A retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

I remember when I worked at the United Nations

And one day one of the secretaries asked me to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

Of course, I called him immediately.

"Kofi" I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"

Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 8, 2018

I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS

... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

Four guys are out golfing and as the foresome is about to tee off, one of they guys excuses himself to take a piss. As the other three are waiting for him, they start talking.

The first guy says, "my son is doing so well that he just gave his best friend an entire stock portfolio." Being a very impressive gift, the others obviously have to one-up him.
The second guy says, "well, my son is doing so well that he just bought his best friend a brand new Mercedes." Indeed, even more impressive. Then the third guy says, "yeah, well my son is doing so well that he just bought his best friend a brand new house."
Just then the fourth guy returns and asks what everyone has been talking about so they tell him. He says, "well, my son works as a go-go dancer in a gay bar and I don't know how he does it, but he just got a large stock portfolio, a new Mercedes, and a new house."

There are two sisters...

... one is blonde and the other is brunette and they inherit the family farm.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our 4x4 and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.

She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your 4x4 and drive out here to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. It's a big word. She'll read it very slowly.....

Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card

She’s not sick, I just think she could get better

In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance."

The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles.

It's unbelievable.

The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.

The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."

The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

Homeowner Devises Masterfully Passive-Aggressive Way To Shame People Who Don't Pick Up Their Dogs' Poop

Homeowner Devises Masterfully Passive-Aggressive Way To Shame People Who Don't Pick Up Their Dogs' Poop
​Tired of people leaving their dogs' poop on your curb? Here's your solution.

August 17, 2018 at 08:02PM
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