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Thứ Tư, 19 tháng 9, 2018

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?" The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I asked my Mexican friend if he will be upset if Trump manages to build the wall.

He said, “ Eh. I’ll get over it.”

A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer fined the bear $500.

A few days later, the window got broken again, so the deer asked "Who broke the window!?"

A squirrel responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The squirrel said: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer fined the bear $1000.

A few days later, the whole toilet got messed up - the fixtures smashed, the toilet broken and bloodied, the window broken, the door scratched, etc. So the deer asked "Who did all this!?"

The hedgehog replied "I kinda did...

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

Henry


Henry
Comedian Rob Delaney's heartbreaking account of caring for his terminally ill son.

September 18, 2018 at 10:21PM
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What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished

10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife’s still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

Thứ Ba, 18 tháng 9, 2018

A woman dies and her spirit goes to judgment

God tells her that she's not been very good but also not evil, so she can choose heaven or hell. She asks to become an angel in heaven of course.

An angel takes her on a tour of heaven. Behind a closed door she hear tortured screams. "What is that?", she asks. The angel replies "don't worry, they're just drilling holes in someones back to fit the wings in". They keep walking. Behind another closed door there are more screams. "Don't worry- they're just drilling a hole in the head to hold the halo".

The woman yells "If this is heaven, take me to hell!"

"But you'll be brutally raped there all day for eternity!" replies the angel.

Says the woman- "I already got holes for that!"

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

Orion's Belt is a waist of space.

Bad pun, I know. 3 stars at best.

What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?

White people look both ways before they start...

A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.

BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.
VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!

I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

Did you hear about that French cheese factory that exploded?

There was nothing left but de brie.

6 was afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because it’s important to eat three squared meals a day

Video games are great, they let you try your craziest fantasies

For example, on the sims, you can have a job and a house

What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally Hoes.

“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

“Fucking kids are expensive,” I said

Is” my lawyer replied.

After Decades Of Silence, Soon-Yi Previn Speaks


After Decades Of Silence, Soon-Yi Previn Speaks
As controversies tumbled around her, the daughter of Mia Farrow and wife of Woody Allen stayed silent for decades. No more.

September 17, 2018 at 06:40PM
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I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9

The odds were against me.

I just found an origami porn channel.

But it's paper view only.

African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." The foreman points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"

"In the Sahara Forest." Replied the lumberjack.

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" Asked the foreman.

"That's why I'm here."

Thứ Hai, 17 tháng 9, 2018

Success is like getting pregnant.

Everyone says congratulations but nobody knows how many times you got fucked.

I hate when I'm at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like...

"Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?"

Gas

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover

The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."

A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."

"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.

Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"

One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the pirate says with a toothy grin.

“Wooow!!! I’ve never met a real pirate before! Ok, ok, how did you get your peg leg?”

“Yar, I was thrown overboard in the Caribbean and a shark bit off me leg.”

“Jeepers!” the young boy exclaimed. “That’s amazing!How did you get your hook?”

“Yar, I was fightin’ buccaneers what was tryin’ ta take me ship, and one of ‘em chopped off me hand ‘fore I sent ‘im ta Davey Jones’ locker.”

“Oooooohhhh that’s so cool!” the young boy said. “How did you get your eyepatch?”

“Yar...well...a seagull pooped in me eye.”

The boy’s enthusiasm turned to confusion. “How in the world did that make you lose your eye?”

“Well...it was the first day with me hook.”

A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes

An mp5 hits your vital organs.

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it'll fit inside the box.

How can you tell what kind of eel you're looking at?

Well, if the moon hits it's eye like a big pizza pie, it's a moray.

I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more.

The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine. I just quit drinking."

A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay

So some bloke rang him up and said “is it massive” Kevin replies “huge” Then the bloke says “how many feet” Kevin says “none its a snake you twat”

The Public Wants 100% Renewable Energy And Quick


The Public Wants 100% Renewable Energy And Quick
The industry is groping for ways to talk the public down.

September 17, 2018 at 01:45AM
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A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because she’s lying.” Her sister told me that she wants to use the $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail so they can be together for her birthday. I thought about it for a minute, then decided to go ahead & give her the $500. A few minutes ago, she called me from the local jail, crying about being arrested. She started screaming, asking, “Why did I give her counterfeit money?!" I replied: "So you & your man could be together for your birthday”

Im going to freeze myself at -273.15 °C

My friends are worried, but ill be 0K

Did you hear about the gay security guard who got fired from the sperm bank?

He got caught drinking on the job.

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, and Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ...total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts. 'I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!'

Chủ Nhật, 16 tháng 9, 2018

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but fell asleep.

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender

I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to over-population".

I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

Selling Toothbrushes. Source: My Dad

(Long) One day a man was walking down the street when he sees a kid on the corner selling tooth brushes. The kid asks him, "Hey sir would you like to buy a toothbrush?" The man says, "I would except I already have one at home. I don't need one right now but do you want a tip to help you out?" and the kid says "Sure!" The man says, "Kid, if you want to be a successful salesman, you gotta come up with a twist. You need to do something to grab the customers attention." The kid responds, "Oh I get it!" and the man goes home for the night. The next day, the man goes by and sees the same kid. The kid asks, "Hey sir, do you want a free brownie?" and the man says, "Of course! Thank you!" He takes a bite and immediately spits it out. He says, "Hey! These taste like dogshit!" and the kid says, "That's because it is! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.

“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s nothing” The 90 year old says. “I have it the worst!”

“Can you pee?” The first man asks.

“Certainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.”

“Can you poop?” The second man asks.

“Yes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.”

“Then I don’t understand what the problem is!” The first man says.

“Well, I wake up at 9!”

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.

Here's the joke I told:

"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.

“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.

“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”  

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”  

“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”  

“Yeah, yeah, I can’t complain.”  

“And here in Russia, don’t you have job to work at?”  

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”  

“So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?”

“Because There I can complain!”

My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

Peter Donat, 'The X-Files' Actor, Dies At 90


Peter Donat, 'The X-Files' Actor, Dies At 90
Peter Donat, who played Agent Fox Mulder’s father on "The X-Files" and acted in two Francis Ford Coppola films, died Monday at his home in Point Reyes, Calif. He was 90.

September 16, 2018 at 02:58AM
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What's the difference between girl spaghetti and boy spaghetti?

Meatballs.

My 10 year old daughter just told me this and I had to share.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.”

The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.”

The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.”

The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman are having a philosophical debate.

The question arises: What separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."

"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."

"I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."

All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering.

"The Channel."

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied: “Im sorry it's not your fault; I used to be funeral driver for 25 years.”

A duck walks into a pub

and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"

"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you?

I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right" replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"

"That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "What the ***k do they want with a plasterer?

Thứ Bảy, 15 tháng 9, 2018

My girlfriend told me love means nothing to her

That's what I get for dating a tennis player.

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais “Okay, okay. We were watching porn”

Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

Edit: Fixed grammar + tenses.

I have never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Why do we refer to priests as "father"?

Because it would be too suspicious to call them "daddy".

I used to be a male trapped in a females body...

Then I was born.

I'm so hungry I could eat my watch.

But that would be time consuming

Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

Whats the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy

Add a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

Congrats Mac Miller!

1 week sober!

Paul Manafort Is Pleading Guilty And Cooperating With The Mueller Investigation


Paul Manafort Is Pleading Guilty And Cooperating With The Mueller Investigation
Former Trump campaign chair Paul Manafort has reached a plea deal that includes his agreement to cooperate with federal prosecutors, a dramatic reversal after he spent the past year fighting the charges filed by special counsel Robert Mueller's office at every turn.

September 14, 2018 at 10:39PM
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A blonde and a brunette are talking about their boyfriends’ dandruff problems

The brunette says, “my boyfriend used to have dandruff, but I gave him Head and Shoulders and it went away in a few days”

The blonde thinks for a minute and then replies, “how do you give shoulders?”

On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.

Kevin dies and goes to heaven...

He gets in line and sees Saint Peter asking everyone a question before they head past the pearly gates. As he's third in line, he overhears Peter ask the guy in front, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man looks down and replies, "Well, I did have two affairs". Peter nods and hands him car keys. "That's ok, son. Here's the keys to your Ford Focus". Next, Peter asks the guy second in line, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man sighs and exclaims, "Well...no. I cheated on my wife once. But I sincerely regret it!". Peter says, "I understand" and hands him a different set of keys. "Here's the keys to your BMW". The man grabs the keys and walks past the gates. Finally Kevin is up and Peter asks him the same question. "I sure was! 50 years of marriage and I was faithful for every one of them!", said Kevin excitedly. Peter smiles approvingly and says "Wonderful! Here's the keys to your Ferrari". Kevin cheers as he takes the keys and goes into heaven. One day, all three men are sitting at an intersection and the men in the Focus and BMW look over at Kevin crying profusely in his car. The guy in the Focus asks, "Why are you crying? You have the best ride in here". Kevin looks over and says, "I just passed my wife. She had a skateboard".

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself, and then returns to his putt.

After the hole, the young guy says "I'm impressed with your show of respect for the deceased."

Old guy says "Well, we were married for 42 years... Least I could do."

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

"How is she?" I asked.

"Very critical," replied the officer.

"What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.

Thứ Sáu, 14 tháng 9, 2018

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

My girlfriend borrowed $500 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $500.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.

“Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nods…

“I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.

“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

Why do foot fetishists never win?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

Two construction workers are working on a street

The first worker turns to the second and says,

“ I don’t want to work anymore, I will act crazy so the manager sends me home early”.

He then proceeds to tie himself by the feet and swings around shouting,

“ Im a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Sure enough, the manager tells him to go home.

The second worker, seeing the success his friend had, decided to start packing up his things.

The manager asks, “What are you doing? The work isn’t finished yet!”

To which the second worker responds,

“How am I supposed to see without a lightbulb?”

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered six offender.

What thunk the unthinkable

An itheburg

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

Son asks his dad the meaning of the word gay

Dad, what does gay mean?

Well, it can mean two things. It can mean that a man is attracted to another man. Or it could mean happy.

Dad, are you gay?

No son, I'm married to your mother.

Disaster In The Alps


Disaster In The Alps
Thousands of people flock to the Alps each year to ski tour high-elevation routes, spending comfortable nights in a string of huts that serve wine and hot meals. This spring, a group of experienced skiers and their guide were trapped in a storm overnight on an exposed saddle. By morning, nearly all were dead or dying.

September 14, 2018 at 02:44AM
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My girlfriend said if we get 100 upvotes we'll try anal

So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses

Oh how the stables have turned

I before E except after C

We feign agreeing, but this foreign poltergeist of a rule is neither efficient nor smart- and therein lies the height of the issue. It's as if an ancient deity has deigned to influence the zeitgeist of the people. We must remove the weight of this veil from their eyes, and forfeit the obeisance of this weird and heinous rule from our science and leisure alike.

I went to the doctors office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young, female, and drop-dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and il check it out."

I said, "My wife thinks by dick tastes funny".

Thứ Năm, 13 tháng 9, 2018

I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today

Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.

Why isn't /r/Fencing more popular?

Too many ripostes.

Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”

“It was so embarrassing. I couldn’t get it up no matter how hard it tried.”

The second award shook his head. “ You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the fucking bed.”

Edit: Fuck you auto contact. I’m gonna leave it.

The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...

We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

A frog walks into a bank for a loan...

A frog walks into a bank for a loan and is greeted by the teller.

“Well goodness me! In all 30 years of working here I’ve never once seen a frog come in! How can I help you today?”

“Well ma’am, I’ve come in for a loan.”

“I see. I can definitely help you begin the process for that. Do you mind if I ask what exactly would a frog need a loan for, however?”

“Well, it’s not really any of your business ma’am, but it’s for this,” the frog says as he hands her a picture of a small, toy elephant.

“Huh, how peculiar. I’m not sure if we can approve a loan for something like that. Let me speak with my manager quickly and I’ll be right back with you. Can I have your name, please?”

“Kermit, ma’am.”

“Ah! Kermit! Like Kermit the Frog!”

“No ma’am. Kermit Jagger. My mother was a frog and my father was Mc Jagger.”

“I see. Well then, just hang tight and I’ll be right back.”

“Ma’am wait! I didn’t get your name!”

“Patty Whack,” the teller responds as she heads into the back office.

Patty walks into the office and begins recalling the series of events that just happened to her manager.

“You see, sir, it’s a frog who says he’s the son of Mc Jagger. We’ve never done business with a frog before. And to top it all off, he wants a loan for this,” she says as she shows the picture of the small, toy elephant to her manager. “What even is this... thing?”

Her boss responds, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man is a Rolling Stone.”

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Ay matey.

I once read a joke about Oedipus and Midas...

It was motherfucking gold

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor too his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left. "I fucking missed again!"

The priest overheard and replied "Child, please don't use that language or God will punish you!"

The sailor finally made it on the green and lined up his putt. The ball was heading straight and true when a gopher popped out of a hole and stole the ball. The priest was amused, thinking God had punished the sailor for his filthy language. The sailor, bewildered, whispered "What the fuck?"

The priest lost it. "That's it! You ignore the small sign that God disapproves of your language! Now he'll most certainly punish you severely!" Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and struck the priest, killing him.

In the distance a deep voice boomed, "FUCK, I missed!"

My girlfriend starting crying tears of joy when I asked if she'd like to be in a foursome....

All I asked was "Will, you, Mary, me?"

My friend was thinking of getting a labrador.

I had to talk him out of it: "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!?"

This 


This 
The presence of mind shown here by the wide receiver is just excellent.

September 12, 2018 at 09:21PM
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Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

Daughter: What does gays mean?

Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way

Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er... read me the whole sentence

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"

Me: Oh

62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville".

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

My wife says she’s leaving me due to my obsession with porn,

I wish she would see it from my POV.

I became a proud father today....

My son's 4 but he's been pretty annoying until now

A piece of string walks into a bar

The bar tender says “sorry we don’t serve you kind round here”

The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and walks back into the bar,

The bartender says “sorry aren’t you the same guy from before”

The string replies “I’m a frayed knot”

Some people think sperm just magically travels to the penis when in reality there's a whole duct to transport them...

It might not seem like it, but there's a vas deferens between the two.

Thứ Tư, 12 tháng 9, 2018

Your mom so fat..

Her favorite necklace is the food chain

Edit: Thanks /u/Ferl74!

I’ve been bored recently so I have decided to take up fencing.

The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.

What's a mathematician's favourite kind of boob?

Quantitties

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.

The 2nd in wine, dead.

The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:

  • What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:

  • Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

Do you have a vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking a day off tomorrow so I can be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus.

It was terrible.

A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.

While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.

The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to try Anal

Her: "Fuck that shit"

Me: "That's the spirit"

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.

He replies, “They had avocados.”

Donald Trump Is So Pumped For 9/11


Donald Trump Is So Pumped For 9/11
Today is the 17th anniversary of the September 11 attacks, an occasion of sadness for most Americans — but not for President Donald Trump.

September 11, 2018 at 11:10PM
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A farmer buys a new rooster to replace his old rooster

The new cocky rooster arrives and proclaims "stand aside old man, you're done! I'm in charge here".

The old rooster replies, "I may be done, but the rule here is; whoever wins a race around this farm is the one who will be in charge"!

The young rooster agrees knowing he will win easily.

"But, seeing as I am so old, I get a head start" says the old rooster.

The youngster, still knowing he will win, again agrees.

On the count of 3 the race starts, the old rooster 10 meters ahead.

The old rooster starts well, but the young one starts to close the gap around half way.

It is coming to the end of the race, and just as the young rooster catches the old one,

BANG!!

The farmer shoots the young rooster stone dead.

"That's the fourth gay rooster i'v bought this month!!"

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

Because you'll get jurasskicked.

“Yoda, are you sure we are going in the right direction?”

Yoda: Off course we are.

*cop pulls over a driver*

Cop: Who's car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: Mine.

My friend told me there is a gay guy in our circle of friends...

I really hope its Todd, he's cute.

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems....

...if I could just get the right people to try it.

Thứ Ba, 11 tháng 9, 2018

Just a Dad Joke

Wife:Hey Honey, I’m Pregnant

Husband:Hey Pregnant, I’m Dad

Wife:No you’re not

We'll We'll We'll

If it isn't autocorrect.

Science builds planes and skyscrapers

but faith brings them together.

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college

I don't think I could ever repay you

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead goes to heaven.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead goes to heaven. At the entrance to heaven ,they meet God. "You have to climb a hundred steps to get to heaven, and at each step I'm going to tell you a joke."He said. "But if any of you laugh, you are going straight to hell." The blonde, the brunette and the redhead begin to climb. On the 24th step, unable to help herself, the brunette laughs and goes to hell. On the 60th step, the redhead laughs at the joke, and goes to hell as well. On the 99th step, just as God was about to say another joke, the blonde burst out laughing. Confused, God looks at her and says,"but I didn't even say anything." The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke."

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

A bar goes into a guy

It was a gay bar.

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a Coke.

The bartender is very surprised yet he picks a Coke from the fridge and puts it on the counter.

Horse: “Thanks. How much?”

Bartender: “T... ten... d... dollars”

The horse gets his wallet from the saddle and pays 10$.

Bartender: “Sorry but... it’s the very first time a talking horse comes into my bar”

Horse: “First and last. TEN DOLLARS A FUCKING COKE?”

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

Serena Williams' Claims Of Sexism Backed By WTA


Serena Williams' Claims Of Sexism Backed By WTA
WTA chief executive Steve Simon said the umpire showed Williams a different level of tolerance over Saturday's outbursts than if she had been a man.

September 10, 2018 at 06:45PM
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I bought a pug for my wife.

Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat, the pug seemed to like her.

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like, 0mg.

A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

Thứ Hai, 10 tháng 9, 2018

My wife asked me to pass.......

her lip balm, instead, I gave her Super Glue by mistake. She's still not talking to me.

Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "Only 75 cents."

A man tells his wife, 'I bet you can't say something that would make me happy and sad at the same time'

She tells him, 'You have the biggest dick out of all your friends'

A man escapes from a prison...

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000."

Credit to u/elhermanobrother

Five Kinds of Sex

The first is Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm stalking her or following her.

She's worried that I may be obsessed with her and anytime she hears a noise in her house she is... purified.

Wait, hold on: "petrified".

Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane...

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat … As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “” Business. I’m going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston .” He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?” ” Lecturer,” she responded. ” I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. ” And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained,” one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. ” I’m sorry,” she said, ” I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNEEEEOOOOWWWWW

How many corpses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It must be more than eight, 'cause my basement's still dark.

A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling

Dad: Son what happened?

Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs

Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt

Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it

A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we do not use immature and childish words. You injured yourself... And class, I don't want to hear any of you use silly, childish, immature words. Okay, Johnny?"

"My mum and dad took me to the cinema to see the new Christopher Robin film with that bear Winnie The Shit."

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.

‘Damn, damn!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’

‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub

Serena Williams And The Game That Can't Be Won (Yet)


Serena Williams And The Game That Can't Be Won (Yet)
What rage costs a woman.

September 10, 2018 at 12:00AM
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Why do North Koreans draw lines so well?

They have a Supreme Ruler.

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange for sex, i was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course i declined because i am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

A German tourist comes to France

...a border control asks him

"Occupation?"

German: No just visiting.

Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners...

But catscan

Chủ Nhật, 9 tháng 9, 2018

I built a 1:1000000 model of a German submarine.

It’s a pretty good µ-boat.

By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

My dad wanted me to let you know he’s cleaning a window.

He just wanted to make it clear.

Why was a Buzzfeed editor found dead in a bathroom?

Number 2 shocked him.

Doc, you gotta help me!

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with the one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking.. For afternoon tea I give the boss's wife a good servicing.. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.. Then at night I give the missus another screw......"

"Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

His original name was John Kennedy

They added the F later to pay respects

I saw a sign that made me shit myself.

It said ‘bathroom closed’.

The problem with Nearly-Headless Nick

is that he is a poorly-executed character

As told by my Russian wife

A man is at a bar. He sees a good looking woman, but she's a little older. Maybe in her 40s. He goes up to her and starts a conversation.

Halfway through she seems interested and asks an interesting question. She asks how he feels about a little mother-daughter action.

The man is intrigued. She is nice enough by herself, but her daughter must be amazing. He agrees and they go back to her place.

They enter the house and go upstairs. The lady knocks on a door and gently whispers:

"Mom, are you awake?"

Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

Why Does Everybody Want To Fuck The Bartender?


Why Does Everybody Want To Fuck The Bartender?
If you’ve ever had a thirst and set out to quench it at a fine (or less than fine) drinking establishment, you’ve likely had a thing for a bartender, or at least found yourself in the company of some drunk idiot sweating over the person behind the stick.

September 9, 2018 at 04:22AM
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Do all black people have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine

I'm selling a TV to a middle aged man and his wife.

Me: “So it’s between the 54 and the 58 inch TV, right?”

Husband: “Yes, but I don’t understand the difference between them.”

Me: “Well, they have the same specs all the way down the line. One is just bigger.”

Husband: “Who in the hell would pay almost $350 more for four more inches?”

Wife: “I would!”

Why does japan have such a low obesity rate

Because the last time they saw a fat man 80,000 people died

Most people know who Ludwig Van Beethoven is.

But not many realize that when he passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened the drunk ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said: "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.

He listened for a while longer, and said: "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening: "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.

"My fellow citizens, there is nothing to worry about,

It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Three Couples, Two Straight and One Gay

Three couples, two straight and one gay, are on a cruise when the ship gets hit by a tidal wave. The ship capsizes and they all drown and find themselves before St. Peter.

The first straight couple goes up and asks St. Peter "Can we enter heaven?"

St. Peter replies "You, sir, are a glutton! You have always loved food more than anything else. You love food so much that you even married a woman named Candy!" In a puff of smoke, they are sent to Hell.

The second straight couple goes up and asks St. Peter "Can we enter heaven?"

St. Peter replies "You, sir, are greedy! You have always loved money more than anything else. You love money so much that you even married a woman named Penny!" In a puff of smoke, they are sent to Hell.

At this point, one of the gay guys leans over to his partner and whispers "It's not looking good, Dick."

Clean Joke

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Is there an “f” in lieutenant?

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”

“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”

“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”

“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant.”

Thứ Bảy, 8 tháng 9, 2018

My girlfriend is a pornstar.

She will kill me if she finds out.

A man enters a pun contest in a local paper...

He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.

I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.

I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

Three men find themselves at the pearly gates...

The men walk up to the gate and St. Peter greets them and says,

“You have made it to heaven, now all you have to do is pass the test to see what your fate will be.”

“What is the test?” One man replied.

Peter says, “You must walk through the room of ducks. If you are able to make it to the other side with out stepping on a duck you will be paired with most beautiful woman in the world for all eternity.”

The men start rejoicing, but Peter stops them and warns,

“BUT If you step on a duck you will be paired with the ugliest woman in the world for all eternity.”

The first man enters the room with confidence. He makes it only about half way and steps on a duck.

Peter says, “You have failed. You will be paired with the ugliest woman in the world for all eternity.”

The second man says, “I can do this! Step aside.”

The man makes it almost all the way through, but unfortunately steps on a duck just short of victory.

Peter says to the man, “You have failed. You will be paired with the second ugliest woman in the world for all eternity.”

The last man is hesitant to enter the room, but he eventually makes it all the way through with out stepping on a single duck.

Peter exclaims, “You have made it! You will be paired with the most beautiful woman in the world for all eternity!”

The man is suddenly transported beside the woman.

He turns to the woman and asks, “How did you get here?”

She replies, “I don’t know, but I stepped on a duck.”

EDIT: a word

A shark and his son go looking for a snack...

The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them."

"Why circle them?" asks the son.

The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir-line.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius..

But his brother Frank was a monster.

President Trump Doesn't Know How To Pronounce 'Anonymous'


President Trump Doesn't Know How To Pronounce 'Anonymous'
​Which is a bit of a problem when one of your staffers publishes an anonymous account of trying to thwart your worst impulses in the New York Times and you want to complain about it.

September 7, 2018 at 08:34PM
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I went for an interview at IKEA.

The manager greeted me by saying, "Come in, make a seat."

Three friends bragged about who has had the most sex...

Friend A said “You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and I have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women.”

Friend B says “Oh yeah? Well I’m the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women.”

Friend C said “I have you all beat, I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

A man rushes into the emergency room with 10 plastic horses up his rectum.

His condition is now listed as stable.

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

Thứ Sáu, 7 tháng 9, 2018

Son: Mom, Dad, I'm Gay

Mom: stares at dad

Dad: clenches fist

Mom: "Don't"

Dad: sweats profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "Son, this isn't easy for me and this may take some time to fully accept. But you are my Son, and I love you."

Son: "Thank god. I'm glad this didn't turn out like that endlessly reposted reddit joke."

Dad: "HI Glad-this-didn't-turn-out-like-that-endlessly-reposted-reddit-joke, I'M DAD!"

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

Roman Catholic.

So a guy gets shipwrecked on an island with nothing but a dog and a goat.

As time passes, he decides he needs some action, and, well, the goats not lookin half bad.

However, anytime the man tries to make a move on the goat, the dog gets jealous, snaps at him and won’t let him by.

Eventually, another ship wrecks, this time carrying a blonde babe. Just absolutely gorgeous.

The man looks to the heavens, thanks God for answering his prayers, then looks to the girl and says:

“Would ya mind taking that dog for a walk?”

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.

First they visit heaven. It looks pretty nice. Big fluffy clouds, angels singing and playing harps, everyone seeming to enjoy themselves. The politician is pleased, if a bit underwhelmed.

Hell, on the other hand, is magnificent. It’s the most beautiful place the politician has ever seen, and everyone there is having the time of their lives. It has a buffet table filled with delicious-smelling food, a beautiful garden, a pool with a water slide, a dance floor, a massage parlor, and innumerable other attractions. It makes heaven look dull and boring and comparison.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” says the politician, “but I think I’d rather go to hell!”

“Very well,” says the spirit. “Turn around.”

When the politician turns around, though, hell appears to be completely different than it had been less than a minute ago. All of the attractions are gone, everything is on fire, and the people are screaming in agony.

“I don’t understand!” cries the politician. “This isn’t what you showed me before!”

“Well, that was the campaign,” replies the spirit. “Now you’ve voted.”

A dwarf was upset someone picked his pocket

He said, " How could someone stoop so low"

Two engineer students were biking across campus.

One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told the snail there was no way someone as slow as him would ever race. But, he was determined! For months, he worked and worked on building the perfect vehicle. When he was done, he painted a big "S" on the side for his name, Sam.

The day of the race finally arrived, and Sam slowly pushed his vehicle up to the starting line with all the other forest critters. Everyone was laughing so hard at him, saying there was no way he could compete with the others. Determined, Sam got in his vehicle and waited for the start.

A bird flying overhead called out the countdown. "Three... Two... One! GO!"

POOF! In a cloud of smoke, Sam had burst ahead and was already yards in front of everyone else. All the other forest critters gaped in astonishment, until a hare who had lost a previous race to a turtle yelled out, "Wow! Look at that S car go!"

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money f rom you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

India's Top Court Decriminalizes Gay Sex In Landmark Ruling


India's Top Court Decriminalizes Gay Sex In Landmark Ruling
India's Supreme Court has struck down a colonial-era law criminalizing consensual gay sex, overturning more than 150 years of anti-LGBT legislation.

September 6, 2018 at 07:11PM
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Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

My author friend claims that he ‘accidentally’ glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

I broke one of my fingers at work today.

On the other hand, everything is OK.

When counting down, I can't stand negative numbers

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

Thứ Năm, 6 tháng 9, 2018

New job

A young student looking for a job goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Very little."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$165,000".

The boss says "$165,000? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "

Two Marines boarded a flight...

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said,
“I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said,
“That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. "Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

Why won't Congress ever impeach Trump?

Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

The three unwritten rules!

1.

2.

3.

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island

An American, A Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of no where. They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island. So they decided to divide up the tasks. The American points to the Canadian and says: "you will be in charge of building and maintaining a fire", the Canadian nods. Then he points to the Japanese and says: "you will be in charge of supplies.", the Japanese nods. "And I will be in charge of building shelters, we will meet back here by sunset". They agreed and went off their own ways. By sunset, the American has built this beautiful sturdy shelter, enough for 3 plus more. The Canadian created a big steady camp fire all ready to cook whatever they got. But the Japanese is no where to be found. After a few more hours, night falls and there were still no signs of the Japanese. They got worried and decided to go into the forest to look for him. They inch slowly towards the forest with cautions because they don't know what wild beasts roam at night. As soon as they stepped into the forest, a bush rustles, and out jumped the Japanese man screaming "SURPRISE!!!"

There once was a woman who had 100 children.

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother, afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions, they named the dog "This," so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.

Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

So You Wanna Work In America?


So You Wanna Work In America?
Find out if you have what it takes to get a US work visa, with a little help from our handy quiz.

September 5, 2018 at 10:09PM
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A drug addict, an alcoholic and a cronic smoker die in a car crash

Three of them face the ultimate judgement. They'd have been sent to hell but turns out they did their share of good in their lives. So they face the last test. The alcoholic is given a bottle of Brandy, the drug addict given the stuff he digs and the smoker given a pack of cigarettes. Each of them are to fight the temptation for 3 days. The addict ends up taking the drug in the first day itself, the alcoholic takes the drink on the second day, both of them are immediately sent to hell. The third day goes by, the pack of cigarettes is still untouched. An angel comes down on the third day and goes " I see you've passed the test" The smoker goes, " well I can't chew the cigarettes, you forgot to give me a fucking lighter."

My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that I had a name for my penis

I guess I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands

Thứ Tư, 5 tháng 9, 2018

I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.

As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.

The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.

The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?"

Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"

The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"

A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" He asks the dog. "Yes!" The Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!" The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!" The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid!" The owner says. "£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the garden!"

60,000 blondes meet in a centre for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 60,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 60,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 60,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 60,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate

They'll kill your dog

My wife is upset because I had “I Love You” tattoo’d on my penis

Apparently it’s typical of me, always trying to put words in her mouth.

A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as many as possible, we've streamlined the process and now everyone involved is heavily specialized. There are people who spend their whole day throwing lines out. They just move from line to line, throwing it out and moving on. Then there are other people who keep their eyes on a bunch of lines, and when a fish tugs on one, they run over and jerk the line to hook the fish. All day, just hooking fish after fish. Then they move on, and someone else comes up and reels the fish in. Then someone else collects the fish, and someone else carries them to the warehouse to be gutted. Etc, etc, etc."

"That seems like it would be tedious. How do you decide which job you want? Do you just end up doing whatever you started with until you quit?"

"Well, no. Everyone starts by hooking the fish. Not many people really like that job, so everyone has to start there. After you've been at it for a while, if a position opens up somewhere else, you can spend a few days trying out casting or reeling. The jobs that pay the best, the ones that everybody wants, are baiting and gutting the fish. Gutting isn't pleasant, but the pay is good and you can work indoors."

She thinks about that for a minute, then nods. "Okay, so what do you do?"

"Me? I'm a baiter. Have been for years!" Uncle Tim is clearly proud of himself. "Not only that, but I'm at the top of the game. See how there are people fishing all up and down here? Well, what you probably don't realize is that you have to earn your position. Newbies and people who aren't good at their job start out here on the street. If you're good enough, though, you can earn a spot working on the pier, where they get twice as many fish. And if you're a master of your specialty, you can get a place out there at the very end. That's where they catch the most and the best fish, and that's where I work!"

The girl doesn't find this very interesting, but she goes out with her uncle and watches and helps for a few hours at the end of the pier. She hates it. The bate is disgusting, the hooks keep on pricking her. It's miserable. About halfway through the day, though a spot opens up out on the street, and she jumps at the chance to get away from her Uncle's prized job.

That night, at dinner, her mother asks, "So, how was your day with your uncle? Where did you go? What did you learn?"

She thinks for a minute before replying: "We went to the shore today, and I learned one thing for certain. I'd rather be a lowly street hooker than spend the rest of my life as a master baiter like Uncle Tim."

If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex...

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'

Nike Released An Ad Campaign With Colin Kaepernick 


Nike Released An Ad Campaign With Colin Kaepernick 
Many people are not pleased with Nike. However, many of those same people find themselves in a bind: they own Nike products, and that cannot stand.

September 4, 2018 at 09:59PM
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I tired to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi”

It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that makes it a pretty cool bar if you ask me.

I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried putting advertisements on the hulk.

He’s essentially a giant banner

Thứ Ba, 4 tháng 9, 2018

An Engineer dies and is sent to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's going on?

The Devil replies, "Things are great down here since you sent us that engineer."

"What?? An engineer? I didn't send you one of those, that must have been a mistake. Send him back up right this minute."

The Devil responds, "No way! We are going to keep our engineer. We like this guy."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

A bus full of catholic school girls gets in a horrible accident.

Sadly all on the bus perished and are waiting in line at the pearly gates. St Peter approaches the first girl in line.

"Mary Margaret, I have one question for you, and it is of the utmost importance that you answer truthfully. Have you ever touched a penis?"

Mary blushed a little bit. "Well, yes, I have. I once reached into a boys pants and touched his penis with the tip of my finger. But that was all."

"Very well Mary. Dip your finger into this holy water and then you may enter Heaven."

St Peter then approaches the next girl in line.

"Anne Beth, have you ever touched a penis?"

"Yes, I once reached in a boys pants and grabbed his penis."

"Very well," said St Peter "Dip your hand in holy water and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

At this point in time there is a commotion in the back of the line, as one of the girls is pushing her way up the line.

"Katherine Anne, you need to wait till it's your turn." St Peter strictly informed the girl.

"No, I'm not staying in the back of the line. There's no way I'm rinsing my mouth out with that holy water if Karen has to wash her ass out with it first!"

What do dwarves and midgets have in common?

very little

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?”

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

he just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.

A blind man walks into a gay bar.

He walks up to the lesbian bartender and says "hey you wanna hear a blonde joke?". The bartender says "Let me tell you a few things since you're blind, I am a blonde bartender who keeps a shotgun under the table. The bouncer is a 6ft blonde with a 4th degree black belt in judo. The woman beside you is a blonde biker with the local gang. The owner of this bar is a blonde army veteran who did four tours in Iraq. Now do you really want to tell that joke here?". The blind man thinks for a second and says "Naaahh, not if i have to explain it four times."

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records....

But then the librarian told me to take it out.

The inventor of the ‘anagram’ died today

May he ‘erect a penis’

My Dad told me to find a woman that likes to cook, clean, and have sex.

The most important thing though was to make sure that these three women never meet.

My dad died in front of me

Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said,

"You are stepping on my oxygen line".

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another. The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king who made the lives of his townsfolk quite enjoyable. They had want for nothing, for they had many riches. The second kingdom wasn't as fine - its outer walls of cobblestone and wood held the middle-class villagers, who had to slap on some elbow grease once in a while to get things done. But the third kingdom was the most desolate of all - rotting walls of wood housed the peasants, farmers and slaves. Ridden with disease and dirt, one's dream house would be anywhere but here.

One day, the king of the first kingdom decides he wants the lake, for it is a valuable resource, and so he wages war on the other two kingdoms over the lake; winner takes all. For such a war, the first kingdom sends out a hundred war-trained knights clad in the finest steel armor you've ever seen with polished swords and armored stallions of battle. To accompany them, a squire is assigned to each knight to tend to his every need, no matter how demanding. The second kingdom, since they're not as wealthy as the first, sends out fifty knights with top-notch leather armor and a few horses, as well as two dozen squires for the lot. The third kingdom sends out its only warrior with the suit of armor his father passed down to him when he died of smallpox. Seeing as said warrior is quite elderly, they task their king's only squire to him to aid him in his endeavours.

The night before the battle, the first kingdom's knights have a huge party. They get drunk off their asses with wine and mead, and everyone has one hell of a night. The second kingdom's knights don't have such luxuries, so they sit around a large fire with pints of ale and recount battle-won victories of the past, with the squires offering music and dancing for entertainment. The third kingdom's lone knight decides he's not in the mood to party since he's way past 50, and has a small beer before nodding off under a tree. The squire makes him beef stew in a pot, and hoists it up in the tree with a noose around a thick branch to consume it for breakfast before their battle.

The sun rises, roosters crow, and the knights awaken. The first kingdom's knights all have head-splitting migraines from their hangovers; the second kingdom's knights aren't doing that well either; the third kingdom's knight slept in. They collectively decide that no one's in the mood to wield a sword and kill anyone, so the three kingdoms send their squires out to battle. And what a battle! Blood was spilled, skulls were shattered, enemies were slain, and against all odds, the lone survivor of this massacre was the lone squire from the third kingdom. As was agreed by the three kings, the third kingdom was given the lake.

I suppose it goes to show that the squire of the high-pot-and-noose is equal to the squires of its two opposing sides.

Congress gets kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

A noble goes hunting...

...with his servant. They haven't gotten far from house when noble realizes that ground is muddy and ruining his shoes.

He tells servant: "I'm going to wait here, run back to house and bring me my riding boots".

Servant, seizing the moment, runs into house and into noble's daughter's bedroom.

"My lady, your father ordered me to make love to you". Daughter agrees. When he's done, servant runs to the wife of the noble.

"My apologies, but your husband ordered me to satisfy both you and your daughter. It's your turn".

Lady of the house doesn't believe a word. So servant opens a window and yells to noble so everyone could hear:

"Did you say just one or both?"

"What the fuck is taking so long? You goddamn halfwit! Of course both!"

20 Million Item Collection Destroyed As National Museum Of Brazil Burns


20 Million Item Collection Destroyed As National Museum Of Brazil Burns
A fire has gutted the National Museum of Brazil in Rio de Janeiro, the oldest scientific institution in the country. Most of the 20 million items it contained, including the oldest human remains ever found in the Americas, are believed to have been destroyed.

September 3, 2018 at 07:20PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2wBQdr0

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even more blood on his face, and says "Dad, do you see that horse?", he asks

"Yes, I do, son"

"So, I sucked its blood"

Finally, the third one returns, with even more blood on his face, and says, "Dad, do you see that wall?"

"Yes, I do, son", replies the father

"I didn't"

I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am...

I'm not really a mourning person.

Two friends are discussing...

"Look, I have this thing going," says John. "I fell in love with our pastor's wife so we're having an affair. I haven't seen her for few days and I'm urging to do so. Could you be a buddy and keep our pastor occupied while I... go do the thing?"

His friend, Bill, reluctantly agrees. It's a sin he's agreed to help to commit. He goes to pastor and starts asking all sorts of random questions. He tries and tries, but pastor happens to be a wise man who sees that Bill is not sincere.

So, after sweating a bit, Bill confesses. That yes, he's just delaying the pastor from going home because his friend John is bedding pastor's wife.

Pastor scratches his head a bit. Doesn't get even angry.

"Bill," he says, "my wife's been dead for two years. There's no reason to keep me occupied... But if I were you, I'd run home really quick right now...!"

A women married and had 13 kids. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more kids. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Thứ Hai, 3 tháng 9, 2018

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other two replied:" Wow, where does your grandpa live?"

He replied:"under the overpass of course! "

How did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating BEFORE it was cool

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in the cage

Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity

A guy walks into a bar...

He sees 2 steaks nailed to the ceiling. He asks the bartender, "What's up with those two steaks?" The bartender replies, "if you can jump up and take those two steaks from the ceiling, I'll give you $1,000,000, if not, I'll cut your arms off." The guy then replies, "I won't do it, the stakes are too high."