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Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.

Thứ Tư, 24 tháng 7, 2019

My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

What's the best way to move 300 sheets of dry wall.

Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him

"What's the best way to move all this dry wall?"

He said "hire someone else to do it for way less then what it's worth."

I said "well why don't we do that"

He said "I already did... Get back to work!"

It's way less funny when I type it out TBH but I'ma post it anyways but picture u being there makes it funnier.

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and told him that I want to sue the airline.

He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”

Our Global Food System Discards 46 Million Tons Of Fish Each Year. Why?


Our Global Food System Discards 46 Million Tons Of Fish Each Year. Why?
From the moment a fisher lands a fish to the moment that fish lands on your plate, 27 percent of it will disappear. Just imagine the stink.

July 23, 2019 at 08:20PM
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Cowboys, Lesbians & Chickens

An old cowboy walks into town one evening looking for some company. He wanders into this whorehouse with rooms to rent and talks to the barmaid.

"I sure could use the company of one of your fine women, but I'm a little light on coin. What can you do for me?" asks the cowboy.

The barmaid says, "Well, it looks like you don't have quite enough for one of our gals. Here's what I can do though. There's a room upstairs that has a chicken in it. Now if you like, you can go to that room and if you can catch that chicken then I suppose... you can fuck it. I'll even throw in a bottle of whiskey for your troubles."

So the cowboy, not having much of a choice in the matter, reluctantly gets the keys to the room with the chicken, grabs his bottle of whiskey and heads up the stairs.

The cowboys walks into his room, sees this chicken clucking around and decides to take a pull of whiskey.

A half of a bottle later, the cowboy starts chasing this chicken around the room. He finally catches the chicken and starts fucking it. He's holding this chicken in one hand and fucking it while holding his bottle of whiskey in the other. Feathers are flying all over the place and the chicken is clucking and flapping around and then SNAP!.

The chicken goes limp. The cowboy had fucked this chicken so hard that he snapped it's neck.

He takes another pull of the bottle, slips his clothes back on. Puts on his hat and slips out the door, hoping that no one saw his face on the way out.

About 3 months later, this cowboy returns to town looking for a lady for the night.

He walks into the whorehouse and talks to the barmaid.

This time the cowboy has a little bit more money but not quite enough for one of the fine ladies working at this particular establishment.

So the barmaid says, "I'll tell you what, there is a room up there when you can see two lesbians having sex. That's the best I can do for you tonight."

"Alright!" says the cowboy as he pays the barmaid and heads upstairs.

When he opens the door the room is packed with men looking through a two way mirror. He pushes his way to the front of the crowd and says to the man standing next to him, "I've never seen anything like this!"

The man says, "You should have been here a few months ago, we watch a guy fuck a chicken to death!"

EDIT: Jesus fuck! For a sub called r/Jokes, you would think people would have a sense of humor. Sorry I didn't tell your beloved joke the way you like. I was simply trying to tell a joke my uncle told me quite some time ago. It flows much better in person. Will delete and should apparently KMS.

TIL: some folks in r/jokes needs to get a grip!

Why is girlfriend one word and best friend two words?

Because the best friend gives you space when you need it

Did you hear about the girl who sawed herself in half for the talent show?

She placed 1st and 2nd.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille

Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it

Teacher: "Hello class! What did you do on your weekend?"

Student: "My father fell into a pit"

Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?"

Student: "I think so, he stopped calling for help today."

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to his death.

The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

I have developed a phobia of sausages

I fear the wurst

A naked lady walks into a bar

A fully naked lady walks into a bar and sits down.

She calls up the bartender and asks for a whisky. The bartender looks at her, but does nothing. She asks again but gets the same response.

She asks him "whats the matter? you never seen a naked lady before?"

and the bartender responds "i'm just wondering how you're going to pay for your drink"

Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 7, 2019

Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.

The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."

The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older brother and asked what he wanted to eat.

He replied, "I'm not sure, but I definitely don't want no fucking Frosted Flakes."

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"

Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name.

Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized.

In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.

Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground.

"What happened?!" she asked, running to him.

He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

Every time I post a joke to this sub it gets downvoted

uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ǝuo sᴉɥʇ ǝʇᴉɹʍ ll,I oS

What do you call a bug that pays the bills?

A Paying Mantis

*My 10 year old daughter ran down the hallway to tell me this. She said she made it up.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man waited a few days and went back to the post office since he didn't receive a letter back. He saw Kurt and asked him if he delivered the letter. Kurt said he tried to, but no one answered or took the letter, so he brought it back the next day.

The man was upset that his daughter ignored him. He left a copy of the same letter every single day at the post office, in the hopes that she would answer one of them someday.

Kurt noticed the man sending letter after letter, day by day, for months. His curiosity got the better of him after some time, and he decided to read one of the letters before delivering it. He was astounded at how useful the man's advice was and decided this was worth sharing with everyone, so he called up a local newspaper company.

The newspaper company sent a reporter to come speak with Kurt, who told them, "A man sent the same letter every day for months to his daughter, who never answered the letters. Read the letter! It has some very good information that could help the whole world out."

The reporter, instead of being interested in what the letter said, was interested in the man's dedication of sending the same letter every day to someone who never responded. The reporter wrote an article and sent it to Kurt to look at before publishing.

When Kurt looked at it, he said, "It's outrageous! The reposting gets more attention than the original content!"

The 100 Best Movies of the Decade


The 100 Best Movies of the Decade
Cinema is in a constant state of flux, but it’s never mutated faster or more restlessly than it has over the last 10 years.

July 23, 2019 at 01:32AM
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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

So, back when my wife and I just started dating, I ran into her asshole ex in the bar.

He said "Hey there Gil, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?"

I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."

A man on his deathbed is telling his friend his final wishes

Man: I have two final wishes

Friend: what are they?

Man: firstly I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land

Friend: and?

Man: secondly, I don't want to be cremated.

Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back. Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.

‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.

‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t going to help’.

I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a general in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

Thứ Hai, 22 tháng 7, 2019

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.

The second orders half a beer.

"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.

"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.

The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon!" says mathematician #1, "Do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along."

"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem," mathematician #3 chimes in, "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work," interjects the bartender.

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" the bartender replies, "You learn limits in, like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

Mathematician #1 screeches, "HE'S ON TO US!"

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS!" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA!!!"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait," he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, progressives will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment.

"My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they suddenly vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really," the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing...

He stops for a chat, and mentions that he's never fished before. 'It's a doddle,' says the angler. 'Take a rod and give it a go.'

'Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand,' says the priest.

Father Conor sits down and casts his line. After a few minutes he gets a bite and reels in a fat ten-pounder. He's pleased as punch as his parishioner slaps him on the back and says, 'That's a great big fucker, Father!'

'Language!' replies Father Conor. 'I am a priest.'

'No, Father, this fish is called a fucker,' explains the angler, thinking on his feet.

Laughing at the misunderstanding, the proud priest takes his catch home and finds the bishop waiting in his front room.

'That's a splendid looking fish, Father,' exclaims the bishop.

'Aye,' replies the priest, 'it's a great fucker.'

'Please, Father! Such language,' says the bishop. 

'No, no, Your Grace,' replies the priest, 'fucker is the name of the fish.'

It being Friday, the reassured bishop suggests they repair to his residence for a fine fish supper. Once there the bishop goes to the kitchen to clean and gut the fish. They are then joined by the mother superior of the local convent. Being no great cook himself, the bishop says, 'Reverend Mother, would you mind poaching this fucker for us?'

'Bishop, you cannot say that in the house of God,' gasps the horrified nun.

'You misunderstand, Reverend Mother,' explains the bishop, 'this fish is called a fucker.'

Calm again, the Mother Superior sets to cooking the fish. Shortly they are joined by the Pope, who is making a surprise visit (as he does). Delighted, the bishop invited him to supper.

They sit down at the table and the Pope says grace. Then the mother superior brings in the fish on the finest silver platter. Eagerly the three of them await the opinion of God's Mouthpiece on Earth. 

'That is a fine fish,' remarks the impressed pontiff.

'That it is, Your Holiness. I caught the fucker,' says the beaming priest.

'I cleaned the fucker,' adds the bishop.

'And I cooked the fucker,' chips in the mother superior.

The Pope sirs back and stares at them for a moment. Then he plants his feet on the table, lets out a mighty fart and says, 'Know what? You cunts are all right.'

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table.

He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.

He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.

He picks up the bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey and walks off with the bible under his arm.

“Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”

I had a fear of speed bumps

I slowly got over it

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

 

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

 

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

 

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

two old men are arguing about history and the spendors of athens and rome.

the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"

The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!"

The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED sex!"

The Italian man says "That may be true, but we introduced it to women."

Wiki joke

Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia” Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers.

Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said,

"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons."

JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger,

"Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?"

"Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob.

"Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep"

JimBob considers for a moment, then says

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass - The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea."

"Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.

A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

Sinks can’t open doors

Let that sink in

Why is the English alphabet the closest thing we have to the perfect fascist state?

Where else can you find a population that are 96% Not Z’s

(I worked so hard on that one. Be gentle. )

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name— they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” Moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said

Some black motherfucker would probably rob me

I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.

The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

Watch Former Basketball Star, Shaq, Enter The Moshpit At An EDM Festival


Watch Former Basketball Star, Shaq, Enter The Moshpit At An EDM Festival
The former Basketball superstar, and current TV analyst, is well known for his diverse interests off the court. Being an avid electronic music fan, and DJ is one of them.

July 22, 2019 at 06:54AM
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Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout

Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!

A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way

To which Yoda responded, “off course, we are.”

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all just mapleleaf

Chủ Nhật, 21 tháng 7, 2019

If I got a dime every time I didn't understand whats going on,

I'd be like "why are you giving me these dimes?"

Ever since it started to snow, all my wife does is stare through the window

I really should let her in at some point

Cigarette after sex helped me...

...to quit smoking

Apparently, it's considered unprofessional to have sex with one of your patients

Anyway, I lost my job as a veterinarian today

A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

 

 

The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

A principal notices a Post-It on a locker.

"Jocks of JFK High! This small change in diet can boost your physique FOREVER! Head to the gym to find out how!"

Puzzled, he pulls it off and continues down the hall. Just a few lockers down, another catches his eye.

"Hey goth girls! Tired of dark eyeliner that just runs all day? One simple trick will fix it! Find out how in the gym!"

OK, I'll bite, the principal thinks to himself. He walks to the gymnasium, pushes open the door...and immediately gets stuck. He looks down and sees the floor covered with flypaper glue.

Outraged, he removes his shoes to unstick himself and races around the school until he finds a young man placing a note, this time aimed at math nerds, on yet another locker.

He slaps the note out of his hand and shouts:

"QUIT POSTING CLIQUE BAIT EVERYWHERE!!"

Today I angered two people by calling them "hipsters"

Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins"

9 Months really isn't that long

It just feels like a maternity

I've decided to kill off the protagonist to the new book I'm writing.

That should spice things up in my autobiography.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.

And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.

But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.

But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."

I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.

Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've reading on Facebook lately." Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip. “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job,

but when I got home, all the signs were there.

I picked up a hitchhiker yesterday

He said: "Thanks! How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I said: "The odds that there's another serial killer in the car are astronomically low"

Magician: and now for my final trick! I will disappear!

Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says:

you're the worst fruit ever!

A young Arab boy asks his dad....

A young Arab boy asks his dad "what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects my entire body."

The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”

"These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet."

Son asks "what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?"

Father :" It's called a burkha , it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face and body during a sandstorm" .

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son…”

"Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?

Motorist Attempts Driving Down A Stairway In Vancouver And Midway Through Realizes It Was A Very Bad Idea


Motorist Attempts Driving Down A Stairway In Vancouver And Midway Through Realizes It Was A Very Bad Idea
What could go wrong?

July 21, 2019 at 04:44AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2JQssBr

A man died one day and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move."

"Oh," said the man as he pointed at one of them, "Whose clock is that?"

St. Peter replied, "That's George Washington's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie."

"That's incredible, " said the man.

St. Peter pointed to another clock, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."

The man was impressed, and then asked, "Where's Donald Trump's clock?"

St. Peter said, "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

"Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That’ll do, I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn’t have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes please!"

A guy takes this girl to prom...

So a guys wants to ask a girl to prom, and so he goes to a craft store to get all the promeposal supplies he needs. He waits a super long line and checks out at the desk. He gets home and makes an adorable poster for the girl. He then goes to get tickets for them and waits in another very very long line for tickets, he finally gets to the front of the line buys the tickets and goes to pick up his tux at the shop. He waits in another line to get his tux and goes home to get ready.

He picks up the girl and they take the limo to prom and wait on an excruciatingly long line to get in the doors. They’re having a great night and dancing away when the girl sees some friends she wants to say hello to and ask the guy to go get them some punch. He kisses her on the forehead and walks off to go get punch. When he gets over to the punch bowl he grabs some glasses and he realizes... theirs no punch line.

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer

The Bartender says “that’ll be a dollar” The guy thinks “man, that’s cheap” but the beer turned out to be delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. “Bartender, I’ll have your finest wine” the bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle, opening it, aerating the wine, and pouring it into a nice glass before saying “That’ll be 50 cents.” The guy can’t believe it, so he thinks “fuck it” and says “I’ll have a whole bottle of your best scotch.” The bartender hands it to him and says “here, on the house.” Curiosity finally gets the better of the guy so he asks “Ok, where’s the owner?” The bartender replies “upstairs with my wife.” The guy asks “what’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” And the bartender looks the man in the eye and replies “the same thing I’m doing to his business”

Why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

Thứ Bảy, 20 tháng 7, 2019

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper.

She said that newspapers are old school and that no one reads them anymore, and proceeded to hand me her iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb?

You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

I went for a vasectomy the other day because I don't want to have any children

I don't think it worked though, because when I got home they were still there.

A relationship with no trust is like having a phone with no service

You just play games.

The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve time travellers in here"

A time traveller walks into a bar.

50% of Christians say they will go to hell and back for Donald Trump

They're half right

A man sits down in a restaurant and orders a bowl of chilli.

The waitress says, "Sorry but the guy next to you ordered the last bowl." He looks over to the guy sitting next to him and sees that he has finished his meal, but the bowl of chilli is still full.

He asks the guy, "Are you going to eat that?" To which the guy replies, "No, help yourself." So he slides the bowl over and starts eating.

About halfway through he hits something. When he looks down he sees a dead mouse in the bowl and immediately pukes all the chilli back into the bowl.

The other guy leans over and says, "Yeah. That's about as far as I got, too."

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

Son: Dad am I adopted?

Dad: Of course not son. You think I’d choose you?

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

I was applying for Australian citizenship

The interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

Lawyers should never ask a Texas grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Texas small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.....🤠

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in pain even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”.

Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

The Six Lessons of Life

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 3:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up

Lesson 5:

Power of Charisma

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

  1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
  2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
  3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

A kid walks into a whore house holding a dead and squished frog.

He walks up to the front desk and sets his dead frog up on the counter top. The lady at the desk says, we don't allow kids here. The kid puts a wad of cash on the counter and the woman replies, "ok what do you want"?

The kid says, "I want to have sex with the nastiest girl here that has the most STD's I can get". "We don't have ladies like that here sorry buddy," says the woman. The kid then puts $100 bill on the table.

After a little discussion though, the woman tell him, "Ok kid, all the way down the hall last door on the left". The kid comes out of the room after a while and as he's walking out the front door the woman stops him. "Hey kid, why in the world would you do that?"

The kid looks up at her and without skipping a beat says, "By me sleeping with a STD’d prostitute, I have the disease. I'm going to go home and fuck my babysitter, then she’ll have the disease. My parents will come home then my dad will take the babysitter home and he will fuck the babysitter, then she’ll have the disease.

My dad will come home like nothing happened and will fuck my mom, then she’ll have the disease. In the morning, when he goes to work, my mom will wait to for the mailman to arrive and will fuck him, then he’ll have the disease.

AND THAT’S THE SON OF A BITCH WHO KILLED MY FROG. "

Rand Paul 


Rand Paul 
"If you were a professional outlet you could call and get an interview like they did."

July 20, 2019 at 12:42AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2SopdFg

Daughter’s vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.

When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.

In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

How much room is needed for a fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

A girl on Tinder asked me why my cigarette isn’t lit in my picture...

I told her i’m just looking for matches

An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replies, "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then calls out to the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asks him for a bun and then eats it. He then asks for two more and eats those as well. The owner says, "Okay, my friend, where's the magic trick?"

The Irishman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket."

PS: Sorry if it's been posted before. Hope you like it :)

Edit: spelling

Today I argued with my pregnant wife and she said "I have two brains and you have one"

Too bad one's not fully developed

and the other is our child's.

Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 7, 2019

Like my Grandad always said "As one door closes, another one opens"

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag?

Friend: I don't know how do you.

Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.

Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.

Me: Exactly

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen, folks, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars." Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter.

The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still, there wasn't so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!" Walter replied, "Well, to be honest, I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"

What do we want? Low flying airplanes! When do we want them?

Neeeeeeooooowwwww!

A local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years

I never knew he was a barber

What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?

One goes ba dum tss and the other is da bum kiss.

Kid asks mom "Mom, what is dark humor?"

Mom: "See that man over there with no arms? Ask him to clap"

Kid: "But mom I'm blind"

Mom: "Exactly"

The Apple That Could Change An Industry


The Apple That Could Change An Industry
After two decades of research and development, WA 38 lands this fall. It could disrupt an entire industry.

July 18, 2019 at 10:07PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2YUSAl2

How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?

Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.

(Credit to my cousin)

When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up to it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had tennis rackets in theirs.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particular spot? It's not going to be comfort---"

The man cuts him off and explains again that he is sure and asks how much money is needed. The two agree on a price and the tattoo artist begins to prep.

He asks the man again before starting if he is sure. "Yes," he answers, "let's get going."

The tattoo artist begins. The whole time he can't believe what is happening and why this man would put himself through the pain for a $100 bill on his cock.

After some time the tattoo is complete and it's as perfect as a $100 bill on a penis can look. The man is pleased with the work and tips the artist well.

"Look, I know I've asked you and asked you, but now that I'm done can you please just tell me why you would go through all this pain and pay the money you did for this tattoo?"

The man sighs and says, "Sure, I suppose I can tell you. You have been pretty persistent."

"One, I like to play with my money. Two, I like to watch my money grow. And, three, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can do it at home."

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sandwich dear?”

Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a dissapointed look on his face.

His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit. So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only this time, she makes it with ham and cheese, and on wheat bread. She thought surely he will enjoy this!

The husband enters the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife then asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”

As always, he replies “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a dissapointed look on his face.

His wife then thinks maybe she needs to offer him more variety. So the next day, she makes him a sandwich, only this time its made with salami, peparoni, and extra veggies and vinegarette dressing. He walks in the kitchen, takes a bite, and the wife asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”

As always, he replies “It tastes fine” and continued eating with a dissapointed look on his face.

The next day, as lunch time is getting ready to roll around, his wife was making him lunch. She was furious at the lack of excitement and enjoyment coming from her husband, so she decides shes going to make him the most unique sandwich hes ever had.

She prepares her itallian bread, only this time she toasts it, and almost burns it. She adds random ingrediants like peanut butter, peppers and onions, strawberry jam, turkey, ham, corned beef, some olives and some various seasonings. She thought “If this doesnt get a new reaction out of him, nothing will!”

The husband walks into the kitchen, takes a seat, and takes a bite of his sandwich. All of a sudden, his eyes widen, and he takes two more bites.

Suddenly, he looks up at his wife with the biggest grin he’s ever had. He chuckled a bit and says “Finally! Something original in this sub!”

Thứ Năm, 18 tháng 7, 2019

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

My girlfriend said, "You act too much like a detective . I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

A one-eyed guy named Wazowski found a magic lamp

Genie: you have one wish

Wazowski: I want an extra eye

Genie: done

Wazowskii: but nothing happened

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the engine. 50% is for perfect reassembly of the engine. I gave you another 50% on top because you did it all through the exhaust pipe!"

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work

We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful.

He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train.

Having too much sex can cause memory loss!

I read it on page 34, line 15 in a medical journal on may 23, 2009 at 11:58 AM .

A man walks into a bar

And loses the limbo contest as a result.

Her: You got a vasectomy without telling me! Are you serious?

Me: Yes. I’m not kidding you.

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and finally reaches a dead end with a pharmacy at the end. It blasts through the doors, skids down the aisle and slams to a stop at the pharmacy counter. The lid pops open and the corpse sits straight up. The pharmacist asks, "Can I help you with something?" The corpse says, "Yeah, you got anything to stop this coffin?"

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1 or 2?

1? or 2?

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

When Rumpelstiltskin was a young man, he lived in rural Kent.

In this part of Kent all the farmers grew hops for making beer. The fields were full of hops, and the countryside was dotted with oasts, little round buildings for drying them out.

Now, as you know, Rumpelstiltskin would go on to be famous for his magical ability to turn straw into solid gold, but he first learnt his skill using the local hops. Every night he went out with his little scythe, reaped a few hops from the corner of a field, and turned them into gold back at home. He knew it was dishonest, but he took such tiny quantities that the farmers never noticed.

Over time, though, Rumpelstiltskin noticed his gold was fetching less money at the market. His steady supply had driven the price of gold down, and he was going to need more hops to make the same money.

So he cleared bigger and bigger areas each night, and before long the farmers noticed there was a hop thief about. Worse, it was taking Rumpelstiltskin the entire night to gather all the hops that he needed. Soon he wouldn't have enough hours of darkness to keep up.

Just as things were looking bleak for him, Rumpelstiltskin had a brilliant idea. The farmers and labourers were already doing the time-consuming work of harvesting the hops and piling them up inside the oasts. If he wanted to grab hops quickly, he just had to break into one of the oasts. Instead of reaping the fields...

"Reap oasts," he murmured. "It might be stealing, but it's the quickest and easiest way to get gold."

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.

Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.

"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"

Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.

The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.

"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

Thứ Tư, 17 tháng 7, 2019

What's the difference between Jesus and a portrait of Jesus ?

The portrait only requires one nail.

My wife just tried to cut off my penis.

Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

I never understood school shooting jokes.

I guess they are just aimed at a younger audience.

Found on r/cursedcomments

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

What would happen if Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US?

He’d be rolling in his grave.

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bull."

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said: "I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What’s the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."

"If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said: "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

Doctor: We're going to have to remove your colon

Me Why?

The Sherp Makes Every Other Off-Roader Look Weak


The Sherp Makes Every Other Off-Roader Look Weak
I, like many other Americans, learned about the Sherp on YouTube. And there is almost nothing on wheels more fun.

July 16, 2019 at 09:37PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2lJEaWh

Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college!

Seriously, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you

A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step onto the bus, only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, still she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

In America, dogs are K9

In China, dogs are E10

Thứ Ba, 16 tháng 7, 2019

We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51

Alien Vs Predator

What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Ft. Knox?

Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

I saw a woman crying in the supermarket

So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit. It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 in the car park

I will die in a month

but don't know in which one.

My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.

We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburger: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter.

"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars.

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

"Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."

A Boy worked in the produce section of the supermarket

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man was persistent. The boy said he’d go ask his manager what to do.

He walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, “So he added, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half,”

The manager okayed the deal. Later the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where’re you from, son?”

The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”.

“Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager.

The boy replied, “There all just whores and hockey players up there.”

“My wife is from Minnesota,” the manager said.

The boy replied, “Really!? What team did she play for?”

I don’t like the word xenophobia.

It sounds so foreign.

Divorcing parents

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says…

“How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:…

“Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else…

But his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,…

Calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says,

“Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Thứ Hai, 15 tháng 7, 2019

True house cleaners aren't just born

They're maid.

Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinating'."

Sally raised her hand. She said "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johhny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"

What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi

An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes."

The social worker then went on to explain further"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...You started it!"

A policeman stops a car...

Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine

My pastor preached today that being gay is a choice.

I just can’t bi into that.

(My first joke at the risk of being downvoted into oblivion because I think that sexual orientation is not a choice.)

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

... "go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man.

"continue" says the priest.

"I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".

"and this is when you swore?" asked the priest.

"No father, my ball then ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.

"this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed.

"No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man.

"Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore"

"Nope not yet.  The bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole"

The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Once.

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”

The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.”

The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!”

“It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued:

“But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”

Pete Buttigieg's Life In The Closet


Pete Buttigieg's Life In The Closet
And why it took him until he was 33 to come out.

July 15, 2019 at 06:01AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2LOIhv7

Without Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.

He’s a giant banner after all.

The most offensive thing as a black man is when you walkin down the street and an old white lady clutches her purse...

 

 

...this bitch really think she stronger than me.

A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.

Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window.

When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived.

“You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentrate really hard as you fall, you temporarily float just before you hit the ground.”

The man was so amazed that he too chugged a pint even faster than the other man, then jumped out of the window. He fell and fell and fell... and then landed on the ground with a splat. He died instantly.

The bartender then turned to the man in the bar and said, “You’re such a dick when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means

Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

Chủ Nhật, 14 tháng 7, 2019

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have taken part in many activities to pass the time. Through subtle influence, I have bought monarchs to the throne, and ended the span of tyrannical leaders. I have replaced chaos with order, and then installed chaos back in its place. But in recent years, I have taken great pleasure in the mundane. The every day. The boring.

I: Please, tell me more about the recent years.

V: I have taken my place in society, tried to give back to a world that has given me so much by fulfilling some tasks that others would not. I have rid the planet of a number of diseases by removing their carriers. I have stopped wars before they started. But most recently, it has been a more direct approach. Sweeping the streets, emptying bins. My current role has been the most surprising.

I: And what are you doing currently that is so surprising?

V: Well, cleaning. It gives me great pleasure. Sweeping, dusting, mopping. All of it. I am enjoying this more than anything else I have done. And one aspect has been a massive surprise to me.

I: Really?

V: Yes. Cleaning mirrors. It’s just not a job that I ever saw myself doing.

How do you think the unthinkable?

Thteer it thtraight into an itheberg.

Why is 10 always afraid?

Because he was in the middle of 9/11

How do you make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby

A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus.

He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play.

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play. There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player. The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.

Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus. The octopus took it and stared for a bit. After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo. This man paid his $50 and sat down.

The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes. The bartender said, “I’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”

The man agreed and handed them to the octopus. The octopus sat there eying the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile. The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus,

“Hurry up and start playing the thing”

The octopus replied, “Play it? After I figure out how to get the pajamas off her I’m gonna screw it”

If people make you sick...

Maybe you should cook them longer...

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. "T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL"

I said, can't turn that down.

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U

Cuz you’re blocking the TV

I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

My Grandmother said I was too 'reliant' on technology.

I called her a hypocrite and unplugged her life support.

Day 173 without sex

Threw the blue shell in Mario Kart while I was already in first place to remember what it's like to get hit from behind.

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand.

It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting.

'So... you've been out drinking again!'

'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame.

'The pub called-- you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'

What's it like living in North Korea?

Can't complain.

Last night I dreamt that I was weightless

I was like “0mg”

I have sex almost everyday!!!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, almost on Sunday

Thứ Bảy, 13 tháng 7, 2019

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke:

Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

A. Take your foot off his or her head.

Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.

What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?

Take off the ring and your house is gone

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

A saw two men wearing matching outfits. So I asked them if they were gay.

They arrested me.

Why don't ants get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies

What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?

Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.

Other than King Arthur, nobody was able to pull the Sword out of the Stone.

You could say, they didn't have Arthurization.

I can eat sugar with either hand...

I'm ambidextrose!

I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

What's it called when Spider-Man has to stop a car?

Peter Parking.

I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old...

Any tips for burying him?

A man walked into a bar

And stayed there my entire childhood

The Highest-Paid Celebrities In The World, Visualized


The Highest-Paid Celebrities In The World, Visualized
Taylor Swift may be the highest-earning celebrity in 2019, but who are the highest- paid entertainers in sports, movies and comedy?

July 13, 2019 at 12:42AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2jGpk1Z

What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?

Mourning wood.

What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?

Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!

What's the difference between my husband and Gollum?

A ring actually means something to Gollum.

I am so sorry reddit . . .

I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Thứ Sáu, 12 tháng 7, 2019

When I was a kid my dad use to always beat me with a camera

I still have flashbacks!

My work has just hired an Australian IT expert

He comes from a LAN down under

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.

The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"

The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."

How many nails are there in a lesbian's coffin?

None, it's all tongue-and-groove.

Never have sex with a wizard...

I did once and I got Hogwarts.

Now they won't quidditching.

What's the difference between an untrained sniper and a constipated owl?

One shoots but never hits, the other hoots but never shits.

Two lesbians and two gay guys are driving to the beach. Who gets there first? nsfw

The lesbians because they’re doing 69 the whole way while the gay guys are still at home packing shit.

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

A Power Ranking Of The Best And Worst Margaritas At Every Major Chain Restaurant


A Power Ranking Of The Best And Worst Margaritas At Every Major Chain Restaurant
Our process was simple: We entered each national dining chain, asked the bartender for whatever they deemed their location's "flagship Margarita," and individually scored the drink based on presentation, balance of flavors and value for money.

July 11, 2019 at 10:34PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/32kQ1up

A Chinese man decided to retire and move to America after years of living in Shanghai.

A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, and then put his left ear next to the bull’s butt.

The American can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, “dude, what the hell is it with you? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s butt, it could just about shit on you.”

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, “Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these American customs.”

“What do you mean? Those aren’t American customs.”

“Yes they are,” Chinese replied. “Man at travel agent tell me to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit.”

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck.

I asked her what she did for a living. She said she taught sunday school. Now I never had me a Christian girl, but I'm open minded so I took her to dinner.

On the way, I lit a joint and asked her if she puffs.

"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children."

I said okay, weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't. And I took her to the best restaurant I knew. I ordered the steak, she ordered the lobster. I asked for the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. When the waitress came to pour, She said she didn't drink.

I said "you don't drink?!?"

"Oh heaven's no, what would I tell my Sunday school children."

Excellent food, sparkling conversation but i'm bummed out, I don't know what to do with a girl like this.

So I'm driving her home and pass a cheap motel, I figure, what have I got to lose. So i ask:

"wanna get a room and knock boots?"

She says: I thought you'd never ask!

I say: Really? What are you gonna tell your Sunday school children?

She says: The same thing I tell them every week. You don't have to drink and do drugs to have a good time!

Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands...

No canaries there either.

Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

Zoology Test

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. 

The professor passed out sheets of small paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. 

Our student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written." The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. What's your name my dear?" .  .  .  . .  . The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."

My obese parrot died the other day

I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

Cop: do you know why i pulled you over?

Me: because the police force is a fascist institution designed to protect the wealthy

Cop: there's a man in your trunk

Me: yea a 𝙧𝙞𝙘𝙝 man

Thứ Năm, 11 tháng 7, 2019

A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.

"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. Only thing worse is that disgusting excuse for a shirt you're wearing."

Startled, the man rushes into the bathroom to freshen up, then returns to his seat at the bar.

As the bartender brings back his beer, the man says to him, "I think I'm going crazy here. I thought I had the peanuts heaping praise on me here and then the juke box ridiculing me on my way to the bathroom. Did I imagine that?"

The bartender solemnly shook his head. "No, sir. My apologies. The peanuts are complimentary, but the juke box is out of order."

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

A boy come home from school and says "Guess what mom? I had sex with my teacher today!"

The mother is furious, frustrated, and mortified all at once and scream to her son:

"GO TO YOUR ROOM!! YOUR FATHER WILL DEAL WITH YOU WHEN HE COMES HOME!!!"

So after a short dinner, and a long conversation, the boy hears his dad thumping down the hallway to his room. The father opens the door, and says with a stern voice:

"Your mother told me about your day at school... I can't tell you how deeply, seriously, and truly PROUD I AM OF YOU!! HIGH FIVE BUD! For you to get it in, at your age, with a teacher?! I love that my young man's a STUD! To celebrate you being AWESOME, you're getting a brand new bike. Right now, let's go!"

So the proud father and son walk to the bike store and walk out with a new set of wheels. The father says:

"There she is son, how about you ride this baby home?!"

The son replies:

"Dad, I'd love to but I can't, my asshole still hurts!"

"Mommy, why did you name me Rose ?"

Mom : "Because when you were born and we were taking you out of the hospital , a rose petal landed on your head , so we named you rose."

Kid 1:"Is that why my little brothers name is leaf?"

Mom:"Yes, it is."

Kid 3:"Blaaarggghhhh-Boooodaghe-Beeebldee"

Mom:"Shut up brick."

I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.

I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?”

He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”

My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious

or did she?

Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.

‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.

‘We are here as a part of a research expedition that will very soon travel to explore the Moon!’

‘The Moon?! Hmm... could you then do me a favor?’

‘What do you want?’

‘Well, the people of my tribe believe that holy spirits live on the Moon. I was wondering if you could pass an important message to them from my people.’

‘What’s the message?’

The man uttered something in his tribal language, and then asked the astronauts to repeat it again and again until they had memorized it correctly.

‘What does it mean?’ asked the astronauts.

‘Oh, I cannot tell you. It’s a secret that only our tribe and the moon spirits are allowed to know.’

The astronauts were intrigued with the secret message, so when they returned to their base they searched and searched until they finally found one Native American who could speak old man's tribal language and translate the message.

When they repeated the message they had memorized, the translator started to laugh his ass off.

‘Why are you laughing man, what does the message say?’

'It says - Don’t believe a single word these people are telling you. They have come to steal your lands.’

Thứ Tư, 10 tháng 7, 2019

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll be kicked off the train!"

Sure enough, on board the train, they could hear the ticket master in the next car, saying, "Tickets please."

The three engineers ran into the train bathroom and closed the door. The ticket master came in and knocked on the door and said, "Tickets please."

They slipped the ticket under the door and the ticket master moved on.

"That's brilliant!" The mathematicians exclaimed. "We should do that on our way home!"

After the conference ended and they were traveling home the mathematicians all bought one ticket to share between them... and the engineers didn't buy ANY ticket at all!

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "What are they going to do when the ticket master comes through? They'll be kicked off the train."

On the train they soon heard the ticket master in the next car saying, "Tickets please."

All three mathematicians ran into one bathroom and closed the door. All three engineers ran into the other bathroom and closed the door. As soon as both doors were closed, an engineer came out of the bathroom and knocked on the mathematicians door and said, "Tickets please."

A priest and rabbi were skinny dipping in a lake when a group of people arrived.

Some belonged to the priest’s congregation and the others belonged to the rabbi’s. The priest and rabbi left their clothes on the other side of the lake and didn't have time to retrieve them, so they got out of the lake hoping to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi who was running with his hands covering his face. “Rabbi! What are you doing?” he asked. The rabbi replied, “In my community, they recognize me by my face!”

Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.

Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

What is the number one cause of dry skin?

Towels.

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

I wanted to post a joke about sodium

But then I was like Na, people wont understand.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records

Until I got kicked out of the library.

1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

Damn girl are you a reddit user?

Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!

Electrician gets home late...

Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"

This Tesla-Powered Honda Is The Raw, Funky Future of Hot-Rodding


This Tesla-Powered Honda Is The Raw, Funky Future of Hot-Rodding
The "Teslonda" is silent mayhem on drag radials. We interviewed its creator and got behind the wheel.

July 10, 2019 at 01:26AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2XVDlLo

So, my twin brother just called me from prison.

He said, "So you know how we tend to finish each others' sentences?"

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Their number one answer was,

“HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”