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Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.

Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 9, 2019

A woman was cleaning her 12 year old sons room

When she found a lot of bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband “what should we do?”

“I don’t know” said the husband “ but i sure as hell wouldn’t spank him.”

Of course gay men dress well

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing

My preferred pronoun is it.

Because I am a fucking clown.

I don’t have a “dad bod.”

I have a father figure.

On this day, when we Americans storm Area 51, you Europeans should storm the Vatican Archives

We'll take on the aliens, you'll take on the predators.

I asked some painters to come paint my home the other day and they’ve just arrived. They’ve spent the day here and now they’re finishing up.

The head painter hands me the bill and I notice it says “$0”

I say “you guys did such a long tiring and fantastic job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at me and says,

“Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house”

My wife left me because I’m too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

Thứ Sáu, 20 tháng 9, 2019

Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire...

...on average.

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mute-deaf at his door.

"Tell him I want to know where he hid the money!" the man yells. The professor conveys this to the mute-deaf and he responds with sign language that he hid the money under the cherry tree in his backyard.

The professor turns to the man and says, "He won't tell you. He says that he'd rather die first."

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on her face was priceless.

Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

R Kelly changed the rap game

He took the art out of Rap Artist

My therapist told me that I have extreme difficulty in vocalizing my emotions.

Can’t say that I’m surprised.

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!"

The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep."

The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child."

I saw two guys wearing the same thing, and I asked if they were gay.

Then they arrested me.

What is a Halloween themed Fleshlight called?

A Jackoff-lantern.

You heard about the new sequel to The Exorcist?

A woman hires The Devil to get the priest out of her son

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

Sincerely,

The Internet Provider

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

One night at dinner, he decides to test it out. He asks his son what he did that afternoon.

His son says, "I did some homework". The robot slaps him.

" Alright, alright." His son says. "I went to my friends house and watched a movie."

"What movie?" The father asks.

"Toy Story." His son says. The robot slaps him.

"Alright, alright." His son says. We watched a porno.

The dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps him.

The mother laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps her.

Batman gets a call from Robin, who was having trouble with the car

"Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!"

Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?"

There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks "What's a tery?"

The clitoris has over 8000 nerve endings

But it's still not as sensitive as a vegan on social media

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”

My lesbian friend just bought me a Rolex for my birthday.

Very nice of her, but not exactly what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish for mor-

Genie: No wishing for more wishes

Me: I wish for more genies

Genie: Holy shit.

All the new genies: Holy shit.

Thứ Năm, 19 tháng 9, 2019

What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A labracadabrador.

Why do Dads tell Dad jokes?

Because they want to see their kids all groan up.

Why should you never eat a clock?

It's too time consuming

A pirate walks into a doctor's surgery.

"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind."

The doctor has a look at the pirate's back. "It's OK," he says, "they're benign."

"Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."

A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

A six year old boy goes to work with his father....

A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.

After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.

The father asks his kid "what's the matter son?"

The kid replies "where are all the clowns that you say you work with?"

Edit - typo

So, the Pope is super early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally, he's a bit rusty so he's driving poorly when suddenly he sees police lights.

He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope, "Hold on for a minute", and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

"Chief, we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure." "How important? A governor or something?" "No sir, he's bigger." "So what, a celebrity??" "More important, sir." "A major politician???" "No sir, he's much bigger than that." "WELL, WHO THE HELL IS HE????"

"Sir, actually, I'm not sure but the pope's his driver."

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

A 12 year old boy goes in the confession box and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard"

United States 2020 Election results are in!

Oh wait sorry this is just for us Russians.

What’s the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

I'm optimistically single.

My bed is half full.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

Thứ Tư, 18 tháng 9, 2019

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

It's easy to deter ladies from eating tide pods

It's much more difficult to deter gents.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”

NSFW

Standing on office chairs

The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he was going to Parcelona. He proceeded to ignore what I believe was my best joke. I probably didn't say it right. The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery.

What happens when you slap Dwayne Johnson’s butt?

You hit Rock Bottom

It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was having an affair, so I left work early to come home and try to catch her in the act. When I got home, sure as shit there she was, naked on the bed! I looked all over the apartment, but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere. So I went outside on our 25th story balcony, and there he was!! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! So I ran inside, and grabbed my hammer and ran back outside and started smashing his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go, and he fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and using all of my might, I grabbed my refrigerator, picked it up, and threw it over the rail and on top of the guy, crushing and killing him!! But all of the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.”

Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let the poor soul in.

Another man came walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter told this man the same thing—that in order to get in, he was going to have to make Saint Peter laugh. So the second started to tell Saint Peter how he died.

“Oh man, it was awful! I was doing aerobics out on my 26th story balcony of my apartment, when all of a sudden a flock of birds came out of nowhere and started attacking me! I was trying to get away, but I fell over the edge of my railing! However, on my way down I managed to grab the railing of the apartment below mine...but then this maniac suddenly showed up and started smashing my hands and fingers with a hammer until I let go! Fortunately for me, I landed in some bushes, but then some guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!

Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second guy into heaven, and was realizing he has found a way he could really start enjoying his job! About that time, a 3rd man comes walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter gave him the speech about needing to make him laugh, and asks him how he died.

“Oh man, you’re never going to believe this shit! Alright, so picture this—I’m butt naked and hiding in a refrigerator...”

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship

I'm sorry

Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4

I know this is r/Jokes but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it's a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I'm so excited, I can barely put on my ski mask..

Five years ago I asked the girl of my dreams to go on a date with me. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

At age 12, little Jhonny was blessed with a nine inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu

Raichu

Thứ Ba, 17 tháng 9, 2019

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.”

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with those two assholes!”

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”

My wife said there’s no way in hell she’d ever allow me do doggie style.

but I did it behind her back anyway.

Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?

Luckily im in the other 5%

My roommates say our house is haunted

But I've been living here for 600 years and never noticed anything.

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane...

Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know SHIT?"

My wife was super angry when she caught me watching porn. She said it degrades women.

Jokes on her. The porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

What shoes do kidnappers wear?

White vans.

What starts with T, ends with T, and has T inside?

A teapot

My wife caught me cross-dressing and said it's over.

So I packed her things and left.

Why are Irish bankers so successful?

Because their capital's always Dublin.

A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

Algebra was easy for the Romans.

X was always 10.

We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where the...

Minneapolis

Me: “Did you invite Dan to the party?”

My friend: “Yeah.”

Me: “Cannibal Dan or Dan that can’t spell?”

notification from my friends phone, it’s a text from Dan. “I can’t wait to meat your friends tonight.

My friend: “I’m not sure”

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hopelessly in love with her, as she was very beautiful. When it came time for her to leave to return to the United States, the king called her into his palace and spoke passionately to her via the interpreter.

"King Paolo begs you to remain here and be his wife. He will grant you any three requests within his power; whatever you ask will be yours."

Flattered but not desiring to remain in the Amazon forever, the woman decided to ask for impossible favors to avoid having to turn the king down and hurt his feelings. "Tell the king that I accept, but if he cannot fulfill my three requests, I must leave immediately. My first wish is for a 50-carat diamond engagement ring and 25-carat bracelets and necklaces to match."

When the request was relayed to him, the king nodded without hesitation and responded in primitive English: "Okay, okay! I buy, I buy!"

The woman frowned, not expecting the king to be able to fulfill the ask. She decided to make the next request truly impossible: "My second wish is to live in a home exactly like this one." She pulled up her phone and displayed a picture of a nine-figure Beverly Hills mansion with three pools, gatehouses, acres of perfectly landscaped property, indoor basketball courts and theatre rooms, the whole nine yards.

When the interpreter explained the request to the king, he waved his hand and nodded eagerly. "Okay, okay, I build! I build!"

He motioned to his nearby advisors, who immediately contacted the finest architects in Brazil to consult on the project. In exchange for several tons of gold, the architects designed an identical residence and brought in several construction companies to begin work immediately. They brought in solar panels and hydroelectric units to power the buildings. Paying triple the usual rate, the king had land cleared and construction completed within days. It was some real Extreme Makeover: Home Edition shit.

Dumbfounded and a bit concerned, as she still had no desire to remain in the rainforest for the rest of her life, the woman went before the king with her final request, determined to come up with something that no amount of money could provide. "Tell the king that the man I marry must have a penis that's 12 inches long."

Looking horrified, King Paolo arose from his throne and strode around the room muttering to himself, first angrily and then sadly. He seemed to be thinking desperately, searching for options. But finally, he shook his head sadly, and spoke in a tone of resignation: "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

Thứ Hai, 16 tháng 9, 2019

After my wife died, I wasn't able to see any women for 25 years.

But now that I've been released from prison, I know it was worth it.

A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

Two dictators are arguing about whose army is more obedient.

They walk to the edge of the cliff and call a soldier over. Putin commands his soldier to jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children."

Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier is about to jump when Putin grabs his arm and stops him.

The North Korean soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children."

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?"

Autumn ~ -leaves-

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business

Why can’t T-Rex clap their hands?

Because they’re extinct.

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."

Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and the Mom asks him to lead the family in saying grace. So the boy complied and starts praying, and praying, and praying. After awhile the daughter leans over and quietly says to him “I had no idea you were so religious,” to which the boy replies, “I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist.”

[most definitely a repost, thought it was funny]

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message of christ, and was able to convert him, spraying him with water saying, "you were born sick, you were raised sick, but now you are CHRISTIAN!". The idiots neighbors left him alone thinking that was that, but come Friday, and he's still grilling chicken when he should be abstaining. So they began to spy on him to see how he could justify such an act, and they saw him spritz his chicken with holy water, saying "you were born chicken, you were raised chicken, but now, you are FISH!"

idk if this is a repost, but my dad told me this joke as a kid, and I thought it was funny.

For my cake day, I've decided that I'm not going to be drinking any more.

I'm not going to drink any less either.

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex

But my girlfriend insist it says dyslexia

My wife

My wife came into the bedroom and in a strict voice she said "take my blouse off", so I took her blouse off.

"Take my shoes off", I took her shoes off

"Remove my skirt", I removed her skirt.

"Take my stockings off", slowly I took her stockings off.

"Now remove my bra", I removed her bra.

"Take my knickers off", I pulled her knickers off.

Standing there totally naked, she said "never let me catch you wearing my clothes ever again"

I took a cab and told the cabbie I was in a hurry...

The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.

I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"

"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."

We came up on a red light and again he sped through the intersection.

I'm seriously concerned for my life now "Would you please drive more carefully."

"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way and we have been fine."

Then we came up on a green light and the cabbie came to a dead stop.

I got curious "Why are you stopped at a green light?"

"Oh, I gotta be careful cause one of my buddies could be driving on the other street."

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

What do you call a Japanese chihuahua?

Konichihuahua

I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.

What’s better than Cake Day?

Nothing give me upvotes

Chủ Nhật, 15 tháng 9, 2019

I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.

And now we wait.

An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

“Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”

People say Good things Always come to an end

With That logic, I'm probably gonna live forever

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied, and felt her breasts.

I’ve been diagnosed with a fear of giants.

It’s called Feefiphobia

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters.

When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.

A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address.

Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day.

The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it.

The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter.

Ding-dong, ding-dong.

Ding-dong, ding-dong.

Ding-dong, Ding-dong.

The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb.

“Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.”

“Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk.

“But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.”

“But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

Have you heard about the man that had five penises ?

His boxers fit like a glove

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"

"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?

"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"

"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."

An AT&T installer asked me for the time.

I told him it was some time between 8am and noon.

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights

I just put my root beer in a square cup.

Now it is just a beer

Doctor: We had to remove your colon.

Patient Why?

A German, a Japanese and an Italian are in jail and have one month left before their death sentence. The warden comes up to them and says : "I will grant freedom to whichever makes the best invention within a month!"

The three inmates are baffled and each determined to make it to freedom.

"I will need a lab and this list of materials and tools" Says the German, to which the warden replies : "Granted!"

"Give me three assistants and these things" Says the Japanese, as he hands over a list of various items, "Granted!" Says the warden.

"A dozen of whores, lots of booze and weed please!" Says the Italian, the warden is surprised, but decides to give him what he demands.

A month later, the warden comes back to check on the results of the convicts' work and starts with the German : "I've made a rocket that will travel to the moon, make a turn around it and come back to its exact takeoff position in less than one minute"

A live test ensues and the rocket makes it around the moon but lands 100 feet away from its initial position. Amazed, the warden says "We might have a winner here!"

"I've made a jet that travels at the speed of light, it will fly around the earth and come back to its exact takeoff position in less than a second" says the Japanese.

No one believed him at first, but he presses a button and sure enough the jet does fly around earth and lands 50 feet away from its starting position in a blink of an eye.

Everyone is astonished, "Impressive! You might have won this, but let's see what the Italian made before I make my judgement" Says the warden.

"I will now pee out of my belly button" Replies the confident Italian man. Everyone's jaw drops, and they wonder how he would do that.

The Italian proceeds to take his pants off, whip out his penis and pee like any other person would.

"But that's not your belly button!" Complains the confused warden.

"No it's not", says the Italian, "but you forgive the German for 100 feet, the Japanese for 50 feet, and you're complaining about less than 10 inches?!"

What rhymes with Orange

No it doesn’t

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place".

The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".

The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"

The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

A dad is lost in the Dad Joke Hall of Fame...

He's looking around when he comes upon a hallway full of people. At the other end of the hallway he sees a boxer just knocking people out one at a time. So, he quickly pushes past all of the people and asks the boxer,

"Excuse me sir, is this the punchline?"

3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with

…so they throw one cigarette off the boat to make the boat a cigarette lighter

Thứ Bảy, 14 tháng 9, 2019

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

"Son, you're just not cut out to be a mime"

"Was it something I said?"

"Yes"

What's the difference between a genie and an academic?

One grants wishes, the other wishes for grants.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: holding cup do it to my tea!

Magician: waves hand done!

om: holding cup it didn’t work.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something to make her look sexy...

So I got drunk.

A man was walking home down a dark street at night. As he was walking, he heard this thumping....

He stopped and looked, and there was nothing there. It seemed to have stopped. He continued on. Then he heard more thumping, and he knew he wasn't crazy. He turned, and what he saw horrified him. A coffin was thumping after him! He ran. The coffin on his tail. He ran to his house. He closed and locked the door, and the coffin broke right through. He ran up the stairs. The coffin went up the stairs. He locked himself in the bathroom, and closed the door in a blind panic. The coffin hit the door. It hit the door, hit it, and hit it again. The guy grabbed the closest object he could to defend himself. He grabbed cough medicine. The coffin broke through the door. The man threw the cough medicine at the coffin, and the coffin stopped.

I was at the museum recently.

I asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures.

He said no, they had to stay on the walls.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

Helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon and argon walk into a bar.

The bartender shouts at them: "GET OUT!"

They didn't react.

Lawyer in a car accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Oh my god,” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”

Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM

A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.

While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 28th, three times just yesterday, and very
likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

A man is granted three wishes by a genie

Man: My first wish is that I want all lawyers to disappear.

Genie: Done,now you have zero wishes left.

Man: What?! You can't do that,I still have my two wishes remaining.

Genie: Sue me.

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here in the glove box and his body is in that trunk"

Cop: "Holy shit!"

The cop contacts his PD and in moments there are more cops everywhere. The chief of police steps up.

Chief: "Sir, may I see your license?"

John: "Sure"

John had his license

Chief: "May I see the vehicle's owner registration?"

John: "Sure"

It was his car

Chief: "Could you open your glove box?"

John: "Sure"

There were no weapons

Chief: "Could you pop open your trunk?"

John: "Be my guest"

There were no bodies in the trunk

Chief: "Sorry to put you through this, but the officer who called me said you were driving without a license, you had stolen the car, you had a gun in the glove box, and the owner's dead body in the trunk"

John: "Yeah, I bet that lying son of a bitch also told you that I was speeding"

A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at her and says, "I think I'll have the soup."

Thứ Sáu, 13 tháng 9, 2019

I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know Y TBH

I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.

Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

It's said that Jesus could walk on water...

That's nothing!

Stephen Hawking used to run on batteries!

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me.

With just the tip.

People always told me I would suck at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

Well I've made two vases and a jug today, so who sucks now!

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because Scott put on the wrong socks this morning.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....

You know, one would have been enough.

What do you say when you meet a flat-earther?

You're not from round here are ya?

I like 25 letters of the alphabet

But I love u

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over he asks if she had a good time. She replied “yes that was fun, but I don’t understand why they do all of that for 25 cents”. The man, puzzled, asks “what do you mean?” To which the blonde replied “well the game started with a coin toss, and afterward they just ran around hitting each other screaming get the quarterback! get the quarterback!”

I have a fetish for writing the last paragraph of a paper.

I just came to that conclusion.

Women are like swimming pools.

They cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the amount of time you spend inside them.

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

Why doesn't any man need more than one rooster?

A cock a dude'll do.

The man who invented Velcro, died.

RIP.

Grandpa was summoned for an audit.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’

What do you say to comfort an English teacher?

They're, their, there.

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.

And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".

A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.

She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"

A little later the wife left and came home a few hours later. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner waiting for her and all the dirty clothes washed and folded.

She called to her husband. "Honey did you do all this for me?"

Husband: "No. The lady next door heard us earlier and after you left, offered to help me do all those things I asked you to do in exchange for either fixing her car or fucking her brains out."

Wife: "So did you fix her car?"

Husband: "Do I look like a fucking mechanic to you?"

Thứ Năm, 12 tháng 9, 2019

An electrician didn't get home until after 2 a.m.

His wife asked, "Wire you insulate?"

He replied, "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I?"

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory; wasn’t suited to be a tailor; the muffler factory was just exhausting; couldn’t cut it as barber; didn’t have the patience to be a doctor; didn’t fit in the shoe factory; pool maintenance was too draining and I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.

Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after examining the penis of the men standing in the line..

If she points to a wrong man,then she and her husband will be executed.

The first woman nervously stepped out and she kept touching the penises until she found her husbands and declared it.... Genghis was disappointed that she succeeded.

Then the second woman came forward. She was so nervous that she kept touching each penis for a long time and kept thinking for a while before rejecting them. She too recognized her husband's penis.

Now Genghis got really angry. So he decide to stand in the line posing as villager to confuse them.

The third woman started. She hardly took more than few seconds for each penis while thinking out loud "Not him" "Not him either"..

This continued until she touched Genghis's penis. She stopped for a while and thought really hard

"Not from our village" she muttered and moved on

A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his penis

The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.”

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his dick.

So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his cock.

So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: “First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.”

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock and roll.

After a few minutes the bartender says, "Okay, I am impressed. You can drink for free tonight."

As the bartender is pouring the guy a drink, the guy says, "Hey, if I show you something even more amazing, will you let me drink for free for a month?"

The bartender says, "Okay, but this had better be pretty spectacular." So the guy reaches into his bag again and pulls out a microphone and a frog. The frog sits in front of the microphone and begins singing along with the hamster playing the piano.

The bartender says, "Okay, I'm impressed. You can drink here for free for a month."

As all of this has been going on, another customer at the end of the bar has been watching. He walks over and says, "I'm a theater producer, and I'd like to buy that frog and put him in a show. Will you sell it to me for $500?" The guy says no. "$1000?". The guy still refuses. "Okay, will you sell me the frog for $5000?"

So the guy agrees, and gives the producer the frog for $5000. As the producer is leaving, the bartender says to the guy, "I can't believe you sold the frog! Surely it was worth more than $5000!"

"Not really." The guy says. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident...

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The wife's face was burned severely. The doctor suggested for a skin graft, but unfortunately, the doctor had to inform her that they couldn't use any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then offered to donate some of his skin for the skin graft.

However, the doctor said that the only suitable skin was from his buttocks. They accepted, but requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the wife's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

One day, she was finally alone with her husband & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!”

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek."

My friend just asked me how I would react if I saw someone with a micropenis ejaculating.

I replied "Woah dude, that came out of no where!"

Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel looks at his watch. "Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?"

He asks her, "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh! Yes, let's! But we should change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head!"

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch,
it's a Lexus...

Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Thứ Tư, 11 tháng 9, 2019

How did Marilyn Manson know there was someone at his front door?

The beautiful peephole, the beautiful peephole.

A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't have to come to school on monday." The kids perked up and all listened to what their teacher would say first.

" 'To be or not to be, that's the question' who said this?" The teacher asked.

The little Pham Lam Nguyen on the first row called out "Shakespeare!"

"Good job, you don't have to come to school on monday." Said the teacher.

"No thank you, miss. I'm from Vietnam and it's in our culture to study as hard as we can, so i will be here on monday." Said the little Pham Lam Nguyen.

"Okay, that's alright as well." Said the teacher.

"Who said the phrase 'I had a dream!'"

The little Fri sum Kat who was seated next to Pham was quick to yell out "I believe it was Martin Luther King!"

"Good job, you don't have to come to school on monday." The teacher told her as well.

"No thank you, miss. I'm from China and with us Education means a lot in our raising as well. So I will be here on monday." Said the little Fri Sum Kat.

"Alright." Said the teacher, before a voice was heard from the back of the classroom.

"Fucking immigrants!"

The teacher turned to her students and called out "who said that?" In an angry voice.

"Donald Trump!" Jack answered, getting up from his seat. "See you on Tuesday!"

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but cellophane. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

A fat man was standing in front of a kindergarten

One of the teachers comes and asks him:

"Are you expecting a child?"

"No. I am a bit fat that's all"

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?

Rick O Shea

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

Can a ninja kill someone with a throwing star?

Shuriken.

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

All the characters in Harry Potter are so well-developed. Well, except Nearly-headless Nick...

He was poorly executed.

How do you open a parachute?

I need answers quickly please.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t shirt every hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change.”

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. "See?"

The officer chuckles kind-heartedly and responds, "Ma'am that's the route number, not the speed limit"

The old lady looks embarrassed, but thanks the officer for the correction anyway.

He looks over to the sweating passenger and says, "Is she alright? She's white as a ghost."

She pats her friend on the knee and says, "Oh she'll be alright soon, sir. We just got off of 195."

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
  6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
  14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

  1. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
    One of the clerks passed out.

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the tails come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the crocodiles are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'

Thứ Ba, 10 tháng 9, 2019

A Chinese kid approaches his father and asks him: "Daddy, why do they say we all look alike?"

The man replies: "Actually your father is the one over there"

What did Slugma say when someone stole his car?

''Where did Magcargo?''

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him.

"Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks.

"They will pay me the next day to fix it," the boy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to £100 just for putting their fence back."

"But why do you need the money?"

The boy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...

...has always been my Achilles' elbow.

Eminem walks into a bar and orders two shots of...

The bartender cuts him off and says, “You only get one shot.”

A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."

She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.

What do you call a flying cow?

A high stakes mission

This is my first ever post on reddit hope you like it.

I made a mistake at the grocery store.

I went to get 6 Sprites. Accidentally picked 7up

Why did the scarecrow win employee of the month?

He was outstanding in his field

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women."

The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

Got arrested at the airport last week.

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!

This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Thứ Hai, 9 tháng 9, 2019

Trump jokes trump all the time

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet)

Trump agrees to then asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up: “If my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”

“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl then raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone else here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: “If Air Force One, carrying you Mr. President, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well” said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

I stopped a woman from being kidnapped today

My self control is really improving

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia

She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little more quickly with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No way!” he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited, to which she replied …

“Go look in the garage!”

Why are relationships like math?

You look at your x and try to figure out y.

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My anaconda: No.

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hysterically.

Upon calming down the other Jew asks his new friend: "remember when that dog chased you for so long that you ended up exhausted and almost died of hunger?" Another second of silence passes and again, they both start laughing like crazy.

God, overhearing the conversation, approaches the old Jewish couple and asks them what's so funny about any of these events.

They both look up and say: "Oh you wouldn't understand, you just had to be there".

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner.

And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones.

And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story: The title of your thesis doesn't matter. The subject doesn't matter. The research doesn't matter.

All that matters is who your advisor is

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...

They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." Tge Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."

Why do riot police get to work early?

To beat the crowd.

I was at a job interview and was asked if i can perform under pressure.

I said im not very familiar with the lyrics, but i would certainly have a go at doing bohemian rhapsody

A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years later, when the child returns back with his own family he sees the same native at the bar.

Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical, "how?!"

The Native replies, "scrambled."

Chủ Nhật, 8 tháng 9, 2019

Why is sex like math?

A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

Just got the job at the old McDonald farm...

I'm now the CIEIO

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

How do you turn a three-dimensional printer into a four-dimensional printer?

Just give it time.

How do you make a candle really happy?

Blow it out, it’ll be delighted.

If having sex for money makes you a whore...

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

The job still sucks after ten years.

I saw a person selling good and bad advice for $1 a piece.

Sure I'll bite, I'll take a piece of bad advice.

You should've got good advice.

Ok...here's another dollar for some good advice.

Don't get the bad advice.

----

I felt like i thought of this joke, but it seems to simple to be original.

Why dont witches wear panties?

So they can grip their broom better.

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

Genie: What is your final wish?

Boy: I wish I were you!

Genue: Weurd but alrught.

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?” “There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”

I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

A pod of whales walks into a bar.

One whale says to the other "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUYUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAOOOOOOO, OOOUAAAAAUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAYYYEEEEUUUM?!"

The other whale responds, "Go home Steve, you're drunk."

I just burned 81,500 calories

Now to hide the remains and the flamethrower

What's Blue and not very heavy?

What's Blue and not very heavy?

Light Blue

(my kids hate that joke)

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them.

F: Go on, ask him anything.

The man says;

M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself.

To the mans surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical "arooo you" that you usually hear on the internet.

D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was real good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years.

The man is stunned. He says to the farmer:

M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!?

F: Cause he's a liar! He ain't ever done any of that!

Why did the duck get arrested?

because he was selling quack

A lake peer officer is talking through a megaphone: "Boat 99, please return to shore, your time is up"

A colleague walks up to him and asks: "Who are you calling? There are only 70 boats today."

The officer looks back at the lake, thinks for a bit, and starts talking again: "Boat 66, is everything ok?"

Thứ Bảy, 7 tháng 9, 2019

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

A man asked his wife...What would you do if I won the lottery?

A man asked his wife...What would you do if I won the lottery?
She replied, "I'd take half and leave you"

"Great", he said, "I won £12. Here's £6, keep in touch."

A girl and a boy go to Sunday school together,

They sit on the same table next to each other. The girl falls asleep on the desk with her head on her arms.

Soon, the leader asks a question, “Who is our lord and saviour?” The boy pulls a drawing pin from the display board and pokes the sleeping girl in the arm. She wakes up with a start and shouts “JESUS CHRIST!”. The leader congratulates her.

After a while, the leader asks another question, “Who created the universe?”. The boy does the same again and pokes the girl in the arm with a drawing pin. She immediately wakes up and yells “LORD GOD!”. The leader congratulates her again.

Before the session ends, the leader asks another question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”. Nobody raises an arm so the boy pokes her again with the drawing pin. She wakes up with a yelp and screams at the boy, “I SWEAR IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME AGAIN I WILL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!!”

My flatmates keep claiming that the apartment is haunted. I suspect they're just trying to skip out on rent.

It's bullshit I tell you.

I've lived there for 224 years and I've not seen a single ghost.

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

Why are there two ds in Reddit?

The second one is a repost.

There's only one type of person who never gets angry...

A nomad.

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

If you put a picture of yourself in a locket

You could say that you are...

Independent

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro? Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet? Dude 2: Brochure

I went to a costume party dressed as an egg and I met a girl dressed as a chicken.

I said to her "So are we going to find out, or what?"

A jewish girl asked me my number...

I said: I'm sorry but we use names here.

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condolences and buy him and his son some drinks. Afterwords the son asks, “I thought you were diagnosed with cancer?” The man replies, “I did. I just didn’t want any of them banging your mother.”

A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins.

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”

I like my slaves how I like my coffee

Free

Thứ Sáu, 6 tháng 9, 2019

When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?

Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..

Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!". If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"

Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888

So when you have guests you can say the password is 12345678

I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”

I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”

“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

What do you say to your sister when shes crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her,

"Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen folks, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars."

Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn't so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!"

Walter replied, "Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Saying so, he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her in every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes."

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me" As the lion got closer. The Lion ran to him and said "Shut up! You are going to get us both fired!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer...

“Sure” says the bartender, and turns around to grab one.

“Wow, what a great shirt” the man hears, not knowing where it came from.

“That watch is amazing, so classy” he hears again. This time he sees the nuts on the table talking to him.

“Wow I must be really tired, I better to go the bathroom and wash my face” says the man.

As he walks towards the bathroom, he swears he hears the jukebox talking to him, hurling insults. “That watch actually sucks” says the jukebox. “You’re cologne smells disgusting too”

Dumbfounded, the man washes his face and heads back to the bar. “Looks like something’s troubling you” says the bartender.

The man explains what he’s just been through, claiming he must be going crazy.

“Oh no, you’re not crazy” says the Bartender. “The peanuts are complimentary, but the jukebox is out of order”

Why is it called boob sweat

But not humiditties

Every day I'm surrounded by broken condoms.

Running a daycare center is tough.

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

I’ve been saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.

It means a lot to them.

Robin: "Batman, the batmobile doesn't work. "

Batman: "Robin, did you check the battery?"
Robin: "Batman, what the fuck is a tery?"

Thứ Năm, 5 tháng 9, 2019

Snow isn't a problem in Muslim countries, but

ISIS

How to fall down from the stairs

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

Step 5

Step 7

Step 10

Step 14

Step 19

Step 25

Two Belgians walk into a police precinct

and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"

Belgians: "Yeah, he has an extra penis."

Officer: "Are you sure?"

Belgians: "Yes, whenever we go to our favorite bar, the barman always says: "Look there is the Dutchman with the two dicks again.""

Why did Star Wars 4,5 and 6 come before 1,2 and 3?

Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system

She told me if I turned the light off I could put it in her butt.

I guess I should've let the bulb cool first.

George wanted to last longer during sex

So he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Suddenly, George had a flash of inspiration, and he realized what he should do.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck’s undercarriage.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

Thinking that the car’s undercarriage was a bit of a turn-off, he firmly closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”

He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”

The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”

Then he heard the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”


I saw this a year ago on the internet but haven’t seen it here yet and it made me laugh hard so I kept it in my notes. Hoping it does the same to everyone else :)

If I die and come back as a hillbilly

Is that reintarnation?

My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt

He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

A man is washing his car with his son. The son says “dad..

can we use the sponge now”

A majority of English speakers do not know the opposites of these words

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

Boy catches a priest masturbating and asks, "What are you doing father?"

"It's called masturbating," priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why father?" he asked.

"Because my wrist is killing me," priest replied.

My obese parrot died

It was a real weight off of my shoulder

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

Thứ Tư, 4 tháng 9, 2019

The Hairdresser

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're flying on Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called Teste....."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive. But it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the whole city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced.

So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're sure going to need it."

A month later, the woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was absolutely wonderful," explained the woman, "not only did we arrive on time in one of Continental's brand new jets, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel -- it was fabulous! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where did you get that horrible haircut?"

Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell

I was addicted to masturbating.

As I got older, I got addicted to sex. My therapist says, my addiction got out of hand.

When I die, I want my remains scattered around Disneyland

Also, I don't want to be cremated

I’m a proud parent of 3 Unvaccinated kids

Edit: 2 kids

Edit: 1 kid

Edit: 0

So the pope is SUPER EARLY for his flight

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

I have two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'.

In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.

Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."  

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman!

It's very rewarding but quite challenging...

It took me a while to get her husbands voice right!

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

There are eleven types of people in the world

People who understand roman numerals and those that don't

Women are actually turning into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.

Why don’t Native Americans like snow?

Because it’s white and settles on their land.

If you find gold in Australia, where should you look for silver?

Agstralia

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

The penguin joke (my favorite joke)

One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"

The man Says "yes, they are my pets."

The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."

So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten pengins all wearing sunglasses.

The cop says to the man "I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo."

The man says "I did, today we are going to the beach!"

Top Tip

Turn your sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.

Thứ Ba, 3 tháng 9, 2019

A cop pulled me over for my dark window tint.

I didn't understand why my glass being dark was such a big deal until he removed the tint.

Then it was clear to me.

Donald Trump sits next to a little girl on Air Force one

Donald Trump sits next to a little girl on Air Force One (a daughter of one of his staff). He turns to her and says, 'Let's talk- I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger'. The little girl, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and asks Trump, 'What would you like to talk about?'. 'Oh, I don't know,' says Trump, 'How about what changes I should make to “Make America Great Again”?' and smiles. ‘OK’, she says, ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first’. ‘A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’. Trump, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea'. To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to change America when you don't know shit?'

So my friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character

You should've seen the Luke on her face.

What's the difference between EA and North Korea?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as EA

What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

Micro trans-action.

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies "I just did some homework." The robot slaps the son. The son then says "Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie."

Dad asks "What movie were you watching?" The son replies "Finding Nemo The robot slaps the son. He then sais "Okay. okay. We were watching porn"

Dad said "What?! At your age I didn't know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says "Wow. He certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

A joke walks into a bar

The bartender says, “That’s weird, I’ve never meta joke before.”

The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is...

...you know what? Never mind. It's FINE.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

Ones a heated yam, and ones a yeeted ham.

4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lamborghini for their birthday.“

The second one nods. “Indeed, your son seems to do well. But my son isn't any less succesfull than yours. He is the Ceo of a big Yacht manufacturer. He also earns quite the amount. He gifted his lover a Yacht for their birthday.“

“Impressive“, the third one says, “I am delighted to hear so. My son is not doing bad either. He is a Ceo of a big company that is invilved with real estate and he as well earns more than enough. He went as far as gifting his lover a big mansion for their birthday.“

It is only now, that the fourth one returns from the restroom. Curiously the others ask what his eldest son was doing. “Oh nothing too fancy. He is a male stripper and prostitute.“ The three other men are shocked. “But aren't you ashamed of his lifestyle!?“ “Well of course I wasn't exactly happy when I found out but I've come to terms with it. He may not earn the most either but sometimes his clients gift him something. Just a while ago on his birthday he was actually gifted a Lamborghini, a Yacht and a Mansion from his three regulars, can you imagine?“