Funny Story

FunnyStory about animals and all around the world

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Funny Video about animals and all around the world! :)

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Funny picture about animals and all around the world :)

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Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng
Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng

Thứ Tư, 19 tháng 9, 2018

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to say, the bar is closed for the rest of the day. Jesus walks up to the bar, but it's closed for hygiene reasons and he goes next door to a hotel. He hands the receptionist a couple of nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?" The receptionist takes a moment to understand, not speaking Aramaic, but is able to explain in mime that nails are not legal tender. After Jesus leaves disgruntledly, a duck that has been kind of harrassing the receptionist for the last few days by asking for grapes waddles in. The duck asks if the receptionist has any nails, and the receptionist finally snaps. Deciding to walk out on the most ludicrous workday of his life, receptionist goes to the bar, and is infuriated to find it closed. He jimmies open a window, not caring who sees. But two old friends across the street, a priest and a rabbi, DO see. They decide they should do something to calm this agitated man down, and follow him into the bar. The bartender, having spent all day cleaning up after the horse, sees the receptionist, the priest and the rabbi come into the bar, and stops scrubbing shit long enough to ask "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I asked my Mexican friend if he will be upset if Trump manages to build the wall.

He said, “ Eh. I’ll get over it.”

A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer fined the bear $500.

A few days later, the window got broken again, so the deer asked "Who broke the window!?"

A squirrel responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The squirrel said: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer fined the bear $1000.

A few days later, the whole toilet got messed up - the fixtures smashed, the toilet broken and bloodied, the window broken, the door scratched, etc. So the deer asked "Who did all this!?"

The hedgehog replied "I kinda did...

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished

10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife’s still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

Thứ Ba, 18 tháng 9, 2018

A woman dies and her spirit goes to judgment

God tells her that she's not been very good but also not evil, so she can choose heaven or hell. She asks to become an angel in heaven of course.

An angel takes her on a tour of heaven. Behind a closed door she hear tortured screams. "What is that?", she asks. The angel replies "don't worry, they're just drilling holes in someones back to fit the wings in". They keep walking. Behind another closed door there are more screams. "Don't worry- they're just drilling a hole in the head to hold the halo".

The woman yells "If this is heaven, take me to hell!"

"But you'll be brutally raped there all day for eternity!" replies the angel.

Says the woman- "I already got holes for that!"

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter F.

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

Orion's Belt is a waist of space.

Bad pun, I know. 3 stars at best.

What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?

White people look both ways before they start...

A BOOB, a VAGINA and an ASSHOLE are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.

BOOB: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.
VAGINA: that's nothing. I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak!

I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

Did you hear about that French cheese factory that exploded?

There was nothing left but de brie.

6 was afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because it’s important to eat three squared meals a day

Video games are great, they let you try your craziest fantasies

For example, on the sims, you can have a job and a house

What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally Hoes.

“Doc, I ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die??”

Doctor: Well, everyone is going to die eventually.

Man: Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?

“Fucking kids are expensive,” I said

Is” my lawyer replied.

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9

The odds were against me.