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Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng
Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng

Thứ Tư, 20 tháng 11, 2019

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

My wife got really mad at me because I have no sense of direction.

So i packed my stuff and right.

Is buttcheeks one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.

That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?

You can’t see in the dark

A brother asks his sister to marry him...

She replies, "if you incest".

I asked my mom "how many is a couple?" She said, "two or three."

That would explain why her marriage collapsed.

Sex through the ages.

20s-30s: tri-weekly

30s-40s: try weekly

40s-50s: try weakly

I went to a beestore to buy bees

The shopkeeper gave me 13 instead of the 12, I requested.

When I asked him what the last one was for.

He told me it was a freebie.

My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison...

He's never going to finish his sentence.

Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while I’m 10 years old listening from the porch.

This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and he’s mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man what’s got him down.

The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens his briefcase and out pops a tiny person about a foot tall that begins to play his miniature piano.

Of course the bartender is amazed and is just about to ask where he found this little guy but is cut off by the man who informs him that there’s a genie outside his bar granting people wishes for free.

The bartender sprints outside but comes right back only minutes later followed by an army of quacking ducks that fill the whole place.

Angrily, the bartender says to the first man that the genie has: “ Gotta be deaf man! I ask for a million bucks and get a million ducks...”

First man says “ Bro, you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

Why do pirates love this subreddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

It’s 1 in the morning and a drunk bar patron decides it’s time to go home.

He gets up off his barstool and immediately faceplants.

“Oh, holy crap. I’m drunker than I thought!”

He pulls himself up with the barstool, lets go, and faceplants again.

“Shit!”

He crawls to the front door. He tries pulling himself up with the door knob and door frame. Once again, he lets go and drops straight to the ground.

“This is bullshit. I didn’t even have that much to drink!”

When he finally crawls to the sidewalk, he grabs hold of a light pole. Again, he pulls himself up, lets go, and immediately collapses.

“Shit, this is going to be a long crawl home!”

It’s a long, grueling trek, but he finally makes it home. By the time he reaches his front steps, the sky is a light pink and blue and birds are beginning to chirp.

As he reaches for the doorknob, it twists and the door swings wide open. He looks up to see his ever-so-livid wife glaring down at him.

“Honey, I can explain! I just had too much to drink, and...”

“Yeah, I know. The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.”

What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt?

Screw is what my dad did before I was born.

Bolt is what he did after I was born.

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster until the train derailed and killed one person. Bob was taken to trial and was found guilty of murder, sentenced to death by electric chair.

Now Happytown was no normal town. They strongly believed in religion. This caused the town’s special rule: if a person survives the electric chair for fifteen minutes straight, it is considered divine intervention and they are free to go.

So Bob is sent to the electric chair. The executioner offers him his final meal. Bob asks for a single banana. Then, the executioner hooks Bob up to the electric chair and turns it on. Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still alive and well, so he is let go.

Two days later, Bob manages to get his job back as conductor for the Happytown train. Just like before, he decides to see how fast he could go. He goes faster and faster until the train derails once again, killing two people this time. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by the electric chair.

Bob shows up to the chair and is offered his last meal by the executioner again. This time, Bob asks for two bananas. He eats the bananas and the the executioner turns on the chair. Low and behold, fifteen minutes later, Bo had not yet come even close to death. The executioner let him go and Bob went on his way.

Around a week goes by and Bob manages to get his job back as the conductor (Happytown must have been really desperate for train conductors to hire him once again). Just like the last two times, Bob goes too fast and details the train, killing three people. He is arrested and sentenced to murder and death by electric chair. When Bob arrived for his execution, he asked for three bananas for his final meal, but the Executioner recognized him and was annoyed. The executioner told Bob “I’ve had enough of this. I’m not just gonna let you get by murdering people again and again, so I’m not letting you have your magic bañas that somehow keep you alive.” The executioner then attached Bob to the chair without giving him his bananas and turned the chair on.

Fifteen minutes goes by and Bob is still sitting there as if nothing is going on. Astounded, the Executioner stares at Bob and goes, “How are you doing this?”

Bob relies, “The bananas have nothing to do with it. I’m just a really bad conductor.”

Thứ Ba, 19 tháng 11, 2019

9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of an aircraft that is rapidly plummeting towards the ground.

They all realise that one must sacrifice themselves to save the rest. Nobody volunteers to sacrifice themselves, the. suddenly the brunette makes a heroic speech about how she will let go of the aircraft to save the rest.

Then all the blondes clap.

Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater

I thought it was a nice jester

Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance.

So i pushed her over.