Fuck you that just was a lucky guess.
Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng
Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng
Thứ Ba, 21 tháng 9, 2021
A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon
When erect it proudly reads Wendy on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows Wy.
While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a Wy on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
The guy replies in a Jamaican accent, "No man, why do you ask?"
The husband then explains that he noticed the Wy on his penis and shared that he also has Wy and then when erect it says "Wendy".
The stranger then said, "When I have a hard on it says, Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day."
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas
When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25 !!!!!!!! "
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A man walks into a spooky store.
Man: Wow, this shop really has everything!
Shopkeeper: Yes, but I warn you... every item comes at a price.
Man: Yes, I know how shops work.
Shopkeeper: But the price may be more than you expect to pay.
Man: Yes, I know how taxes work too.
Shopkeeper, angry now: No, you don't understand! I'm evil and I'm offering these items without regard for the harm they will do!
Man, also angry: I know what capitalism is, dammit!
A teacher asks her students a simple math question…
“There are 3 birds on a wire, one gets shot, how many are left?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, “there are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”
Teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.
Johnny then inquired, “may I ask you a question now teach?”
She loves his inquiring mind and tells him to go right ahead
Johnny continues, “There are 3 women coming out of an ice cream shop each with a cone… one is licking it, one is biting it, and one is sucking it…. Which one is married?”
Teacher thinks for a second and replies “well..I guess I would say the one who is sucking it”
Johnny replies, “No it’s the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think”
I saw a homeless guy telling people dirty jokes for a dollar
So I went up to him and gave him a dollar.He happily pocketed the dollar and said “ you see that white cat over there, how many teeth does it have?”
So I said “ I don’t know….”
He said “ how many hairs does it have?”
I again replied saying I didn’t know.
He then said to me “ You see that black rooster over there, how many legs does it have?”
So i promptly said 2.
so the homeless man said “ how come you know nothing about white pussy and everything about black cock?”
Thứ Hai, 20 tháng 9, 2021
Us men can be great at multi-tasking too!
Ever tried jerking off, watching porn and keeping an eye on the door for intruders at the same time?
Edit: Thank you for taking my award virginity!
The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips... He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen...
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
‘No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples re-join their other partners and go their separate ways.
As they walked along, John asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache .... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
A guy comes home completely drunk one night.
He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
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