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Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng
Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng

Thứ Năm, 30 tháng 1, 2020

What do you call a kid who is born in a whorehouse?

A brothel sprout

(I’ll let myself out)

Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finishes his beer and lights up a cigarette.

Son: "Dad, can I try your cigarette?"

Father: "Does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No."

Father: "Then you can't try it."

The pair head to a convenience store to pick up more beer and smokes. The father decides to buy a couple scratch tickets and gives one to his son. They scratch away and the father's is a loser, but the son wins $500.

Father: "Say boy, I bought that ticket for you. You're going to share that with me, right?"

Son: "I don't know, Dad. Does your dick touch your asshole?"

Father, proudly: "Why yes it does!"

Son: "Good, go fuck yourself."

4 people having sex is called a foursome

3 people having sex is called a threesome

Now I know why they call me handsome.

What do you call a slow bullet?

A slug

What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?

Very little.

Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth

It's a young blonde genie's first day on the job...

It's a young blonde genie's first day on the job. After returning to genie HQ from her very first charge, she is clearly distraught. The other genies, concerned, ask her what's wrong.

She tells them of the young man who's wishes she granted. For his first wish, he asked for a truckload of money. Easy enough, *poof* I provide him with a huge truck, filled top to bottom with cash, and he appears very happy.

For his second wish, he wants to be adored by hundreds of beautiful women. I Grant him this wish as well. All the women who are walking by smile and wink at him.

One of her fellow genies says, " well, that all sounds great, why are you so upset?"

Our genie replies, the last wish is what I just don't understand. He seemed so happy with his first two wishes, why with his third did he wish to be hung like a black man?

I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have $999,999.75

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties – he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”

She replied: “My upper half you can see, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same – she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit, but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?”

He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

Thứ Tư, 29 tháng 1, 2020

Did you hear about the hungry clock?

It went back for seconds

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f...!!!

Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realised only You have Brakes.

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs...

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.

One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked.

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.

“Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma.

A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"

Two Boys One Tampon

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy,

'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said.

"We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’

So the next day the boss calls the guy into his office and says, ‘You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?’

The guy replies, ‘No I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks heavily every weekend, then beats up my sister. So every Monday morning I go over to make sure she’s alright. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know I’m fucking her.’

The boss says, ‘You fuck your sister?’

The guy replies, ‘Hey, I told you I was sick.’

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

When you say the word "poop"

your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop.

The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

I didn't take my husband's name when I got married.

I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.