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Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng
Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng

Thứ Hai, 19 tháng 11, 2018

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to suddenly find the man standing right behind him, so quickly he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'

‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?", asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life. When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying. Now that is how to have a good time."

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

"What happened?", he asked. "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did. I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!"

"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"

"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

"Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

Chủ Nhật, 18 tháng 11, 2018

My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr.Awkward.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

Why did my dad go to prison?

Beats me.

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: "Hey Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"

He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me."

It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try."

So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be.

"Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessly afterward, "I thought you said sex was no longer possible for you."

Says the old man: "Oh, my body is still highly capable; it's the paying that is no longer possible."

Bro, do you want this pamphlet?

Brochure.

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

[Later at home, sitting down with son]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

Helen Keller was truly an inspiration,

She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama

I love the F5 key

It's so refreshing

Forget everything you learned in college...

You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'

'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

Thứ Bảy, 17 tháng 11, 2018

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!"

The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country you fucking towelhead"

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water.