Funny Story

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Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng
Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng

Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 9, 2019

A woman was cleaning her 12 year old sons room

When she found a lot of bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband “what should we do?”

“I don’t know” said the husband “ but i sure as hell wouldn’t spank him.”

Of course gay men dress well

They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing

My preferred pronoun is it.

Because I am a fucking clown.

I don’t have a “dad bod.”

I have a father figure.

On this day, when we Americans storm Area 51, you Europeans should storm the Vatican Archives

We'll take on the aliens, you'll take on the predators.

I asked some painters to come paint my home the other day and they’ve just arrived. They’ve spent the day here and now they’re finishing up.

The head painter hands me the bill and I notice it says “$0”

I say “you guys did such a long tiring and fantastic job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at me and says,

“Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house”

My wife left me because I’m too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

Thứ Sáu, 20 tháng 9, 2019

Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire...

...on average.

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mute-deaf at his door.

"Tell him I want to know where he hid the money!" the man yells. The professor conveys this to the mute-deaf and he responds with sign language that he hid the money under the cherry tree in his backyard.

The professor turns to the man and says, "He won't tell you. He says that he'd rather die first."

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on her face was priceless.

Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

R Kelly changed the rap game

He took the art out of Rap Artist

My therapist told me that I have extreme difficulty in vocalizing my emotions.

Can’t say that I’m surprised.

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!"

The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep."

The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child."

I saw two guys wearing the same thing, and I asked if they were gay.

Then they arrested me.

What is a Halloween themed Fleshlight called?

A Jackoff-lantern.

You heard about the new sequel to The Exorcist?

A woman hires The Devil to get the priest out of her son

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

Sincerely,

The Internet Provider

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

One night at dinner, he decides to test it out. He asks his son what he did that afternoon.

His son says, "I did some homework". The robot slaps him.

" Alright, alright." His son says. "I went to my friends house and watched a movie."

"What movie?" The father asks.

"Toy Story." His son says. The robot slaps him.

"Alright, alright." His son says. We watched a porno.

The dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps him.

The mother laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps her.