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Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng
Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng

Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 7, 2019

What do you call a bug that pays the bills?

A Paying Mantis

*My 10 year old daughter ran down the hallway to tell me this. She said she made it up.

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man waited a few days and went back to the post office since he didn't receive a letter back. He saw Kurt and asked him if he delivered the letter. Kurt said he tried to, but no one answered or took the letter, so he brought it back the next day.

The man was upset that his daughter ignored him. He left a copy of the same letter every single day at the post office, in the hopes that she would answer one of them someday.

Kurt noticed the man sending letter after letter, day by day, for months. His curiosity got the better of him after some time, and he decided to read one of the letters before delivering it. He was astounded at how useful the man's advice was and decided this was worth sharing with everyone, so he called up a local newspaper company.

The newspaper company sent a reporter to come speak with Kurt, who told them, "A man sent the same letter every day for months to his daughter, who never answered the letters. Read the letter! It has some very good information that could help the whole world out."

The reporter, instead of being interested in what the letter said, was interested in the man's dedication of sending the same letter every day to someone who never responded. The reporter wrote an article and sent it to Kurt to look at before publishing.

When Kurt looked at it, he said, "It's outrageous! The reposting gets more attention than the original content!"

I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

So, back when my wife and I just started dating, I ran into her asshole ex in the bar.

He said "Hey there Gil, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?"

I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."

A man on his deathbed is telling his friend his final wishes

Man: I have two final wishes

Friend: what are they?

Man: firstly I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land

Friend: and?

Man: secondly, I don't want to be cremated.

Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back. Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.

‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.

‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t going to help’.

I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a general in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"

Thứ Hai, 22 tháng 7, 2019

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.

The second orders half a beer.

"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.

"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.

The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon!" says mathematician #1, "Do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along."

"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem," mathematician #3 chimes in, "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work," interjects the bartender.

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" the bartender replies, "You learn limits in, like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

Mathematician #1 screeches, "HE'S ON TO US!"

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS!" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA!!!"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait," he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, progressives will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment.

"My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they suddenly vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really," the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

Father Conor is walking by the Shannon when he sees one of his congregation fishing...

He stops for a chat, and mentions that he's never fished before. 'It's a doddle,' says the angler. 'Take a rod and give it a go.'

'Well, I suppose the blessed Saint Peter himself was a fisherman. Perhaps I'll try my hand,' says the priest.

Father Conor sits down and casts his line. After a few minutes he gets a bite and reels in a fat ten-pounder. He's pleased as punch as his parishioner slaps him on the back and says, 'That's a great big fucker, Father!'

'Language!' replies Father Conor. 'I am a priest.'

'No, Father, this fish is called a fucker,' explains the angler, thinking on his feet.

Laughing at the misunderstanding, the proud priest takes his catch home and finds the bishop waiting in his front room.

'That's a splendid looking fish, Father,' exclaims the bishop.

'Aye,' replies the priest, 'it's a great fucker.'

'Please, Father! Such language,' says the bishop. 

'No, no, Your Grace,' replies the priest, 'fucker is the name of the fish.'

It being Friday, the reassured bishop suggests they repair to his residence for a fine fish supper. Once there the bishop goes to the kitchen to clean and gut the fish. They are then joined by the mother superior of the local convent. Being no great cook himself, the bishop says, 'Reverend Mother, would you mind poaching this fucker for us?'

'Bishop, you cannot say that in the house of God,' gasps the horrified nun.

'You misunderstand, Reverend Mother,' explains the bishop, 'this fish is called a fucker.'

Calm again, the Mother Superior sets to cooking the fish. Shortly they are joined by the Pope, who is making a surprise visit (as he does). Delighted, the bishop invited him to supper.

They sit down at the table and the Pope says grace. Then the mother superior brings in the fish on the finest silver platter. Eagerly the three of them await the opinion of God's Mouthpiece on Earth. 

'That is a fine fish,' remarks the impressed pontiff.

'That it is, Your Holiness. I caught the fucker,' says the beaming priest.

'I cleaned the fucker,' adds the bishop.

'And I cooked the fucker,' chips in the mother superior.

The Pope sirs back and stares at them for a moment. Then he plants his feet on the table, lets out a mighty fart and says, 'Know what? You cunts are all right.'

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table.

He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.

He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.

He picks up the bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey and walks off with the bible under his arm.

“Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father. “He’s going to be a politician!”

I had a fear of speed bumps

I slowly got over it

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

 

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

 

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"

Boy - "$350"

Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

 

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$500"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

 

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

two old men are arguing about history and the spendors of athens and rome.

the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!"

The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!"

The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED sex!"

The Italian man says "That may be true, but we introduced it to women."

Wiki joke

Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia” Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers.

Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said,

"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons."

JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger,

"Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?"

"Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob.

"Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep"

JimBob considers for a moment, then says

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass - The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea."

"Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.

A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

Sinks can’t open doors

Let that sink in

Why is the English alphabet the closest thing we have to the perfect fascist state?

Where else can you find a population that are 96% Not Z’s

(I worked so hard on that one. Be gentle. )

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name— they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” Moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”