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Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng
Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn Jokes. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng

Thứ Bảy, 4 tháng 7, 2020

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

Have you heard about the restaurant called karma?

There's no menu, you get what you deserve.

The wife said she's leaving, because of my sexual fetishis

I said that's great! Slam the door on my cock on the way out

Like father like son...

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9x7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"What is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school "Dad, have you gone by the school?" He asks.

"Not yet."

"Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also."

"Why?" asks the father.

The boy explains, "Well, we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked 'What, am I suppose to stand on my dick!?'"

"Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come."

The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?"

"No, not yet."

"Don't bother, I got expelled."

Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?"

"Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher."

"The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father.

"That's what I asked!" said the boy.

My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up

It was a diss appointment

If you see a robbery in an Apple store,

Does that make you an iWitness?

Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic

He said “I don’t know. I’m not really into politics.”

A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets home it fucks all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed . At lunch the cock once again screws the hens. The next day, to the farmers astonishment, the cock fucks the geese and ducks as well. Sadly later during the day he finds the cock lying half- dead on the ground with vultures circling overhead. The farmer says,"you deserved it you horny bastard!", at which point the cock opens one eye, points up with his wing and says,"Shut up.They're about to land."

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: Storms off “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher Baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and Subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost Overcome by the smell of alcohol, Whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him Into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't Found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking His arms and legs so he pulls Him up.

The preacher again asks the Drunk, 'For the love of God have you Found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his Breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

Thứ Sáu, 3 tháng 7, 2020

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

A boob, vagina and asshole were debating on who is the greatest if three of them.

Boobs: I produce milk for babies

Vagina: that's nothing, I produce babies.

Why are you still reading, It's your turn to speak

How do you get a country girls attention?

A Tractor.

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, asshole!" shouts Schroedinger.

The cop moves to arrest them.

Ohm resists.

A woman is having an affair...

... with a man.

One day, her 14-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what they do.Surprisingly, the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet without realizing that her son is already in there.

Son: " Kinda dark in here."
Man: "Yes."
Son: "I have a baseball."
Man: "Great."
Son: "Do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No thanks."Son: "
My father is out there ..."
Man: "Okay, how much?"
Son: "250 €"
Man: "Okay."

After three weeks the same thing happens again, once again the son and the lover are in the closet

Son: "Kinda dark in here.
"Man: "Yes."
Son: "I have a baseball glove.
"Man sighs: "How much is it this time?
"Son: "750 €"
Man: "Damn, All right."

A couple of days later the father asks his son to grab his Baseball and his Glove to play

Boy: "I can't, I sold those."
Father: "Really? For how much?"
Boy: "1000 €"
Father: "It is outrageous to rip off your friends like that. You come to church now and confess your sins."

Both go to church and the father puts the boy in the confessional. box

Boy: "Kinda dark in here."
Pastor: "Cut the Crap!"

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied

“No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

The f in orphan stands for family

wait

Saw a hooker on the street who said she'd do anything for $50

Guess who got the front porch repainted, bathroom retiled and a new deck.