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Chủ Nhật, 31 tháng 12, 2017

Why can’t a T-Rex clap it’s hands?

Because they are extinct.

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis...

...Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.

He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass

Just wanted to make that clear

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!

I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018

It's my new year's resolution.

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’...

But he hesitated...

A girl is having sex with her boyfriend [NSFW]

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "... I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "Hi Sorry! I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking Sorry?"

Kid1: Hey Dad why am I called lily?

Dad: Because a lily petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid2: Hey Dad why am I called rose?

Dad: Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid3: herdurrrrahduhrgh#%*?

Dad: Shut up Cinderblock

What do you call a Jewish clown?


A Mother superior and two novices were killed in a bus crash.

They soon found themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter greeted all three.

"Welcome sisters, Mother superior. What a great honor to have you here." he said. Then a little more softly, he said.

"Unfortunately, we've had a few people slipping into heaven disguised as nuns. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you some skill testing questions."

The first novice stepped up bravely and said

"Ask your question St. Peter. I'm not afraid."

"Well then" St. Peter said. "Who were the first man and woman and where did they live?"

The novice's face brightened.

"Oh that's easy St. Peter! Their names were Adam and Eve and they lived in the garden of Eden."

"Correct!" St. Peter said. Then he pressed the buzzer on his lectern and opened the pearly gates.

The second novice stepped up.

"Ask your question St. Peter, I'm not afraid." She said.

"Well" St. Peter asked. " What were Adam and Eve forbidden to do?"

The Novice smiled.

"Oh, that's easy St. Peter! They were forbidden to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge."

"Right again!" Said St. Peter, and buzzed her in.

The mother superior stepped up.

"You've been in the game a bit longer, Mother Superior" St. Peter said. "So your question is a little more challenging. What is the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"

The Mother Superior stood there frowning in concentration.

"Gee, that's a hard one!" she said finally.

"Correct again!" Said St. Peter, and buzzed her in.

I don't understand why dogs are called "Man's best friend."

Even my worst enemy wouldn't take a shit in my yard while staring me in the eye.

Don’t be a Donald.

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The first passenger said “I am a doctor on the verge of discovering a cure for cancer. I simply must survive so that millions of others may live”. And with that, the good doctor took one of the parachutes and jumped.

The 2nd passenger, Donald, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, I won by the biggest margin ever, the American people adore me and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old Muslim schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'

The little Muslim boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag.

I bought a box of condoms earlier today

The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said nah, I'll just turn the lights off.

How The Russia Inquiry Began: A Campaign Aide, Drinks And Talk Of Political Dirt

How The Russia Inquiry Began: A Campaign Aide, Drinks And Talk Of Political Dirt
During a night of heavy drinking at an upscale London bar in May 2016, George Papadopoulos made a startling revelation to Australia's top diplomat in Britain: Russia had political dirt on Hillary Clinton.

December 31, 2017 at 02:13AM
via Digg

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday?

They hit a midlife crisis

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.

Two boys are in class during religious education.

The first boy gets so bored that he falls asleep. The teacher then asks the class, "who created the earth?"

The second boy pulls out a needle and jabs his friend in the arm. He wakes up, startled, and yells, "God Almighty!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

The boy eventually drifts back to sleep. At the front of the class, the teacher asks, "who is the son of god?"

The boy's friend once again stabs him with the needle. He wakes up and yells, "Jesus Christ!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

Once more, the boy falls asleep. The teacher asks the class, "what did Eve say to Adam after their tenth child?"

The boy's friend stabs him in the arm, he wakes up and yells, "STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

Thứ Bảy, 30 tháng 12, 2017

A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he’s going deaf

“What are the symptoms?” The doctor asks

“They’re that yellow family that live in Springfield”

How did Jesus get in such good shape?


A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

Today in church they asked what a Bishop does

Apparently “move diagonally” wasn't the answer they were looking for.

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch.

Go kill that son of a bitch

One fine morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog. Suddenly a Pakistani came out from the bushes and shot the poor dog three times. The dog died.

The billionaire screamed at the killer, “Why did you do that?”

The killer answered, "Your wife gave me £ 50,000 and told me: Go kill that son of a bitch.”

The billionaire hugged the killer and with tears in his eyes he said... "I am forever grateful to your English teacher.”

Two Priests are in a burning Chruch



Priest 1 : Do we have time?

How many cops does it take to throw a black guy down the stairs?

None. He fell.

I was a 26 year old virgin until last night

Yesterday i turned 27!

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

It read:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months, and I have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.

At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night.

In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Richard

I was so angered and betrayed, that I grabbed my gun, went next door, and shot Richard...killing him.

I went back home, and poured myself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

Just then, I looked at my phone, and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard

What's the scariest thing about a white guy in a prison?

You know he actually did it.

The Most Expensive Mile of Subway Track on Earth

The Most Expensive Mile of Subway Track on Earth
How excessive staffing, little competition, generous contracts and archaic rules dramatically inflate capital costs for transit in New York.

December 29, 2017 at 09:02PM
via Digg

A poor Irish family lives on a farm...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.

"I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.

The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.

"I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.

The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.

"Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky.

Poof! A female leprechaun appears.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies.

The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.

The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?"

The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold.

The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?"

She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion."

The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?"

She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland."

The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?"

"What do you mean?" says the leprechaun.

"The cow didn't."

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don’t care how many “heart attack victims” you have to “take to the hospital.”

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe...

...and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child!

The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you're the only white man we've ever seen around here, and this woman just gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?

Girl: No. They spread.

What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.

"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two damn Arabs."

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God,

Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Thứ Sáu, 29 tháng 12, 2017

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns…

…or is it just me?

“Son, I found a condom in your room.”

“Gee thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

Two cheese trucks ran into each other

De brie was everywhere.

Police are like a box of chocolates.......

They'll kill your dog.

My son was thrown out of school

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl wank him off. I said "son, that's three schools this year".

Maybe teaching isn't for you

A job at the Post Office

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Have you ever served in the military?"

"Yes" he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points towards employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You are a disabled veteran; you've got enough points for me to hire you right now."

"Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM, plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls."

"No point in you coming in for that."

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible...

Which makes me an eighth theist...

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital

When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"

"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."

Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

World's Wealthiest Became $1 Trillion Richer in 2017

World's Wealthiest Became $1 Trillion Richer in 2017
The richest people on earth became $1 trillion richer in 2017, more than four times last year’s gain, as stock markets shrugged off economic, social and political divisions to reach record highs.

December 28, 2017 at 09:42PM
via Digg

What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals blowing each other

A man walks into a pub

The barman asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. So I have decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The barman looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you commit suicide at all let alone in my pub!"

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The barman leans in and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the pub.

A couple hours goes by and the barman is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the pub with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The barman asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please

What language is most commonly used by programmers?


A man is sunbathing on a nude beach

To prevent a sunburn, he covers his most important organ with a hat.

A woman passes by and notices the hat.

She says, "Sir, a real gentleman always lifts his hat in front of a lady."

The man replies, "Ma'am if you were a real lady, the hat would've lifted itself."

Why did the prostitute get angry after having sex in an apple orchard?

Because her client came in cider.

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."

Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never." said Bob.

"Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

"BOB, wake up!! You've shit the bed!"

Thứ Năm, 28 tháng 12, 2017

Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know, I can't see."

What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

Haaaand eyeeeeeeeeeee

What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?

A little kid shouldn't run with scissors and a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs

I was breastfed until 3

But enough about my day

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100...

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now works for Wall Street.

Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year resolutions were.

She said «Fuck you». So im pretty exited for 2018

A Tech Pioneer’s Final, Unexpected Act

A Tech Pioneer’s Final, Unexpected Act
Upon receiving a diagnosis of brain cancer, Eric Sun set out to achieve some lifelong musical goals.

December 27, 2017 at 09:43PM
via Digg

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,

By using red velvet, he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,

With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,

He threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,

He touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

Last came a sailor, a dirty little runt,

He sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.

She was only a whiskey-maker's daughter

but he loved her still.

When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.

Dear People who are afraid of paedophiles

You need to grow up.

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.

One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice patches. Finally, after an hour, he decides to go home.

He lies down next to his wife, who is asleep and says: "The weather is terrible outside."

Half awake the wife replies: "And to think that the idiot husband is outside riding his bicycle."

(my 80 y old grandpa's joke)

My missus was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it's just water under the fridge.

Thứ Tư, 27 tháng 12, 2017

What do you call a priest that is also a lawyer?

A father in law

Why don't rednecks do the reverse cowgirl?

They never turn their back on family.

Why did the sperm cross the street?

I wore the wrong sock this morning.

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

I was sitting at a bar last night

And this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

A cowboy walks into a bar...

...and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

"What's it telling you now?" The lady asks.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost for a lifetime

Somebody was shot with a starting pistol...

The police think it might be race related...

A man and a women in a hotel room have just had amazing sex.

The man is exhausted and he leans over to pick up the phone. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Calling room service, I need a drink" "My last lover was Tiger Woods and he would never have done that, he would have made love to me again" she said So the guy turns over and makes love to her again, after finishing he picks up the phone and she says "Tiger would not do that he would make love to me again" So one more time he makes love to her, after finishing for the third time he sits on the side of the bed and picks up the phone. Are you calling room service because Tiger wouldn't have. No I am calling Tiger Woods, I want to know what the par for this hole is"

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"

As a police officer, I don't know how to deal with black people...

But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

Scientists Are Designing Artisanal Proteins for Your Body

Scientists Are Designing Artisanal Proteins for Your Body
The human body makes tens of thousands of cellular proteins, each for a particular task. Now researchers have learned to create custom versions not found in nature.

December 26, 2017 at 10:02PM
via Digg

Two nuns were cleaning the church...

The first nun says, "You aren't going to believe this, but the other day I was cleaning Father Tim's room, and I found condoms in his night stand."

The second nun says, "Oh my! What did you do?"

The first nun says, "I poked holes in them."

The second nun says, "Fuck..."

American Soldier

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked, railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

“And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A senator.

Thứ Ba, 26 tháng 12, 2017

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs."

He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"

"15,000$" she replies.

"15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts

"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs."

"Fine, how can i say no?"

Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"

"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.

"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.

"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself...

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female...

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

I just asked my husband

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh.

after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".

What's the hardest part about breaking up with a Japanese chick?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

6:30 is the best time on the clock!

Hands down

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'

The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.'

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day.

Tell a redditor a joke, and he will repost for a lifetime.

Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?

My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

I don’t understand why white people can’t say the N word

We invented it after all

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He grabs the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 5-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!” The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten bastard”, says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin...

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

“How much for these shoes?” – she asked the store manager.

“$300” – he replied.

“That’s too expensive! Can’t you bring the price down?” – the blonde.

The store manager said he couldn’t,and got irritated when the blonde persisted.

Finally, after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled.

“Fine. I will.” – the blonde replied.

After two hours, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.

When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 7 other dead ones.

Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed “Oh my gosh! This one doesn’t have any shoes either!”

My girlfriend dumped me because I'm unorganised.

So she packed my suitcase and I left.

We Left You Some Presents

We Left You Some Presents
The Digg editors needed a day off, so we left you our favorite videos of the year (for better or for worse) gift-wrapped below. Beware the coal.

December 25, 2017 at 07:12PM
via Digg

What’s the difference between the USA and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

Someone actually wished me Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you too, Team Snapchat

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

Why is Santa always so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Thứ Hai, 25 tháng 12, 2017

You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?

Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Two silkworms had a race...

They ended up in a tie.

Do all black people have a problem with slavery ?

Or just mine ?

A little boy gets $5 for his birthday

He runs with it to the candy store and asks for $5 worth of candy.

The man behind the counter asks, “do you really think it’s wise to spend all your birthday money on candy?”

The little boy thinks about it for a moment and replies, “well, my grandpa did live to be 94...”

“By eating candy everyday?” Asks the man, astounded.

“No,” replies the little boy, “by minding his own goddamn business.”

Twas The Night Before Christmas

  • Twas the Night before Christmas
  • And All Through the house
  • Everyone Felt Shitty
  • Even the Mouse
  • Mom on the Toilet
  • Dad smoking grass
  • I had just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
  • When out on the Roof
  • I heard such a clatter
  • I spring from my piece to see what was the matter.
  • Out on the Roof I saw some old prick.
  • I knew in a moment
  • it must be ST. Nick.
  • He came down the Chimney
  • Like a bat out of hell.
  • I knew in a second
  • the fucker had fell.
  • He filled all the stockings
  • with whiskey and beer
  • and a big rubber dick
  • for my brother, the queer.
  • He rose up the chimney
  • With a thundering fart
  • the son of a bitch
  • blew my chimney apart
  • he swore and he cussed
  • as he rode out of sight.
  • Piss on you all
  • Its been a hell of a Night!

An old man and his wife are in bed.

After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”

The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”

A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”

Furious about losing, the wife rips another fart and yells out, “The score is tied!”

The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose. He strains incredibly hard, but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed. The wife hears the noise and asks, “What in the world was that noise?”

The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”

What do a grenade and a woman have in common?

You remove the ring and your whole house is gone

Please becareful on the roads

Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away!

I was banging this nice lady……….

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

‘The Russia Story’

‘The Russia Story’
How the year's biggest story was encountered in 2017 by rabid Democrats, recalcitrant Republicans, and everyone else on the internet.

December 25, 2017 at 12:06AM
via Digg

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

A nun walks into Hooters... [NSFW]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walks into Hooters. The place was buzzing with music and conversation, and every once in a while the lights would go out. Each time the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers, however when the revelers saw the nun the place went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and said "may I please use the restroom?" the bartender replied "sure, but I should warn you there's a statue of a man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well in the case I shall look the other way" the nun said, so the bartender showed the nun the way to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes she came back out and the whole place erupted into a round of applause. She went to the bartender and said "sir, I don't understand, why did the give me a round of applause just for coming out of the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us" said the bartender with a wink "would you like a drink?" "No thank you. But I still don't understand" said the puzzled nun. "You see" the bartender laughed "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66.

He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

Chủ Nhật, 24 tháng 12, 2017

My Chinese son was born before his due date

We called him Sudden Lee

Christmas joke (NSFW)

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."

Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

Honey, remember how when we started dating you told me you were an insomniac and I told you I only had five sex partners?

Neither of us were counting sheep.

My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.


You should always bring two pairs of pants golfing.

Just in case you get a hole in one.

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

is google male or female?

female: because it refuses to let me finish a sentence before making suggestions

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater

SpaceX Launches Rocket Into Night Sky, Everyone Thinks It's Aliens

SpaceX Launches Rocket Into Night Sky, Everyone Thinks It's Aliens
"This shit better be a rocket, or we're all gonna die."

December 23, 2017 at 09:07PM
via Digg

A sexual predator, a pathological liar, and a racist walk into a bar

The bartender says, “What’ll it be, Mr. President?”

Why don't they put advertisements on the Hulk?

He's basically a huge banner.

What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?

Crack open a cold one with the boys.

Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin

Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan.

Everyone else fails trigonometry just cos.

Thứ Bảy, 23 tháng 12, 2017

An old lady was stopped for speeding

Police officer: I'm sorry, but I think you were driving a bit too fast?

Old lady: What?! No, that can't be true!

Police officer: Can I see your drivers license?

Old lady: No, I don't have it anymore. I lost it 4 years ago when driving while drunk!

Police officer: Well.. Can I see the car's registration?

Old lady: Umm. I don't have that either. The car is stolen.

Police officer: Okay... So who did you steal it from?

Old lady: I don't really know his name. I shot him, cut him into pieces and put him in the back of the car.

Police officer(shaken): One moment madam.

The police officer returns to his car to call for backup. A few moments later three police cars show up, along with the police captain. The police captain walks up to the car.

Police captain: Excuse me madam. My police officer told me you have a dead man in your car?

Old lady: Whaat? No that isn't true!

Police captain: Do you mind if I check?

Old lady: Sure, go ahead!

The police captain checks and finds no dead body. He returns to the window.

Police captain: Well, that was odd. He told me you had killed someone to steal the car. Do you have the car's registration?

Old lady: Sure! Here it is!

She hands him the cars registration.

Police captain: How about your driving license?

Old lady: Yup, here you go.

Hands him her driving license as well.

Police captain: Well this is odd. My police officer told me that you didn't have a driving license, nor the registration for the car!

Old lady: What?! Well then I bet the liar also told you that I was speeding?!

Son: Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

Dad: She's named after something your mother loves, Easter! It's an anagram.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Alan.

What did Mario say to Peach when they broke up?

It's not you, it's a me a Mario!

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked...

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact I knew where he lived...

Help! I can't stop reading fantasy novels with female protagonists...

...I'm a heroine addict.

When Beethoven passed away,

he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

The Cleveland Browns team visited an orphanage today.

"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.

It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.

Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

I invited my girlfriend to the gym and then I didn’t show....

I hope she gets the message that we aren’t working out,

What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?

Nothing, he's gladiator.

US Ambassador To The Netherlands Calls Reporter's Question 'Fake News,' Then Claims He Never Said 'Fake News' When Reporter Proves Him Wrong

US Ambassador To The Netherlands Calls Reporter's Question 'Fake News,' Then Claims He Never Said 'Fake News' When Reporter Proves Him Wrong
Pete Hoekstra is a former congressman and the current US ambassador to the Netherlands, and he is struggling with the concept of "fake news."

December 22, 2017 at 09:15PM
via Digg

A girl asks her mom where babies come from.

The Mom replies, “When a man and a woman love each other very much, they have sex. Sex is when a man puts his penis in a woman’s vagina, that’s how you get a baby.”

The daughter is confused and says, “But the other day I went in your room and you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, honey.”

I used to think women were objects.

But then it hit me.

Silent farts

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up. "Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!" The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way. Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up. "Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!" Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

What's the only organ in the female body that stays warm after death?

My penis.

A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens where greeted by the pope

Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Univers visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.

Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, always in white clothes and is in his mid-thirties? Sure we know this guy.. great guy! Whenever he visits us he cure our sick, turn some water into wine (great laugh!), show us his walking-on-water-trick and then we throw a great party and serve him pancakes. He pops up every 2 years or so. Anyway, what did you guys do?

What does the mafia and a vagina have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

Thứ Sáu, 22 tháng 12, 2017

A young man was showing off his sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.

The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's gone in too far."

When I was a kid, my team would play a scrimmage game against the boys from the local orphanage a few times a year.

If the ball went out of bounds near our bench, my coach would toss it back to a player on opposing team with a very coach-like, “Here ya go, Son” or “Nice Try, Son!” I never understood why he did this, but every single time, a couple dozen times a game, he’d toss the ball to a player on the orphanage team with a reaffirming, “Great play, Son!” or something similar.

After a couple years of this, I just figured my Coach thought he was being nice by acting as a caring adult figure to these wayward boys for a short time during our scrimmage games.

Finally in the third year, one of the older boys from the opposing team snarled back, “You’re not my father!”

Without missing a beat, Coach responded loud enough for all to hear, “How would you know?” as he turned to us with a huge shit-eating grin.

That’s how Coach taught me the incredible pay off of perseverance and keeping your sights on the goal. Thanks, Coach, wherever you are.

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

You know that famous painter Rorschach?

Why does he only draw dicks?

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers.

Two men walk into a bar.

2 Beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

My mum got really annoyed when I tried to tickle my little sister's feet...

she said something about 'waiting till she was born'.


Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven, sir.

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: I have pet cat already.

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?" The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back." The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?" From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

Long Island Iced Tea Soars 500% After Changing Its Name to Long Blockchain

Long Island Iced Tea Soars 500% After Changing Its Name to Long Blockchain
Long Island Iced Corp. shares rose six-fold after rebranding itself Long Blockchain Corp.

December 21, 2017 at 10:37PM
via Digg

A man found an attractive girl in a bus, he tried to get her number...

She was disgusted, and left the bus. After a few minutes, the bus driver came in the bus. “I saw that. Look, she’s a very pretty girl, and I’ll tell you this: she’s very religious. She goes to church every Sunday. If you go there and dress up as God, she’ll probably agree to have sex with you.

So the guy went, and dressed up as God, and asked her if he can have sex with her. She sighed, then said “okay fine, but only if it’s anal, I love anal.”

So they did it for an hour. After that, the guy took off his mask, and said, “Sorry I just really liked you. That was the best hour of my life.”

And the girl took of her mask. “I knew it would work!” Said the bus driver.

A lady sees a beautiful parrot at a petstore for $1

She asks, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"

The petstore clerk explains, "This parrot lived in a whorehouse until three months ago. He has a filthy mouth."

The lady takes pity on the parrot and buys him. She takes him home and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, a new whorehouse!"

Her two daughters walk in and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, two new whores!"

Her husband walks in and the parrot exclaims, "Holy fuck, Bob, I haven't seen you in three months!"

Today, a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

Two Soldiers Walk Into A Bar...

It’s the height of the Vietnam War, and deep in the jungles U.S. Army Privates Chip and Dan have just been promoted to Sergeants.

Now Chip hasn’t always been the brightest bulb, and he’s been known to need some time to process big changes.

As Chip and Dan are doing their rounds one afternoon, Dan sees a cantina up the street. He leans over to his friend and says, “Hey Chip, lets swing by that bar and take a load off.”

Now it takes Chip a moment to think it over when he says, “Dan, we can’t go into that there bar. We’re Privates, and only Sergeants and above can hangout off base!”

Dan laughs at his dull friend and retorts, “Chip, bud, we aren’t Privates, we’re Sergeants now!” And they saunter on in.

The duo head in and take two stools and Dan wastes no time ordering two cold beers over. Now Chip starts getting nervous and he leans over to Dan and whispers, “Dan I don’t know about this... Privates aren’t supposed to drink! Only Sergeants and above are allowed to consume alcohol!”

Dan chuckles, shaking his head at his simple friends worries; “Chip ol’ pal, your forgetting; Privates can’t drink, but we’re Sergeants now! Take a load off!” And upon this realization, Chip relaxes a little and the two enjoy a few more beers together.

The night rolls on and the two get pretty tipsy when later in the evening Dan draws the attention of a young prostitute. She is very interested in Dan, but she leans over and whispers to him, “Baby I think your very cute, I’d love to show you a good time, I’ve just got Gonorrhea so I’ll let you decide if you want me tonight.”

Now Dan isn’t too fluent in Vietnamese, so he leans over to Chip and asks, “Chip, can you do me a favor. I don’t know what ‘Gonorrhea’ means; Can you run back to base and see what you can find out? If it’s a good thing, just give me a thumbs up and I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

Chip agrees, runs back to base, and about an hour later returns to the door of the bar and gives Dan a thumbs up and an all clear.

A week goes by and Dan is in the medical wing on base groaning and moaning about his unfortunate ailment when Chip comes by to visit him.

“Damn it Chip! You said Gonorrhea was a good thing!,” shouted Dan.

“No,” said Chip smiling, “You see, I looked it up, and Gonorrhea effects only the privates, but you don’t need to worry because we’re Sergeants now.”

Guy: I buried my wife 2 days ago! Friend: Shit! I'm sorry, man. When did she die?

Guy:Probably sometime yesterday

Thứ Năm, 21 tháng 12, 2017

What's the rudest kind of elf? Nsfw

A go fuckyourself

The priest and the rabbi

A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has developed a plan of eating for free in really good restaurants. 

"I simply go in at well past 9 pm, eat several courses slowly, and linger over coffee, and dessert, until they are cleaning up. I keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say, 'I've already paid my original waiter who has left for the night.' And, because I am a man of the cloth, the waiter takes my word for it, and I just simply walk out the front door as calm as can be."

The rabbi, clearly impressed says, "Let's try it together this evening." 

The priest agrees and books them into an expensive, 4 star French restaurant. 

They both eat like kings and, just as before, they are both sitting quietly after enjoying their very full meal, a waiter comes over and hands the priest and the rabbi a bill and asks them to pay.

The priest calmly says: "I've already paid our original waiter." (who apparently left for the evening).

And then the rabbi adds: "And we're still waiting for the change!"

But you didn't like it.

I was going to tell you a time travel joke.

My wife offered to make me some sexy coupons for my birthday.

I asked her if one could be a groupon.

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old...

It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two.

Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid again goes "Hey grandma look im white", she beats his ass and sends him to his room.

About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says "Have you learned anything from this?"

The kid says "Yeah I've learned that I've only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people."

Two Romans have a Conversation.

"Hey man, what year is it?"

"35 before Christ"

"Who the hell is that?"

"I have no fucking Idea"

Two windmills are sitting on a hill. One turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?"

The other windmill replies "I'm a big metal fan."

If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna change my name to mitochondria...

I want everyone to know I’m the powerhouse of the cell.

A gay deer walks out of a bar and says,

"Man I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there!"

Did Climate Change Kill a Polar Bear?

Did Climate Change Kill a Polar Bear?
Probably not this time. Eva Holland looks at how a disturbing wildlife image went viral — generating anguish, anger, and confusion about the undeniably warming Arctic.

December 20, 2017 at 11:00PM
via Digg

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it!"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great bigbowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."

Here's an immature Christmas joke my older brother told me when we were kids...

It's Christmas eve and Santa is delivering presents. In one house, a young woman is waiting for him when he climbs down the chimney. She says to him "Santa, will you stay?" And he says "Ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you know". "Well, if I take off my gown will you stay?" and she drops her gown, standing there in her bra and underwear. "ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you knoooow" he responds. "If I take off my bra, will you stay?" and she takes off her bra. "Ho ho ho, santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you knoooow". "If I take off my panties will you stay?" and she takes off her panties, standing there naked. Then Santa says "Hey hey hey, Santa's gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with a stiffy in his way!".

What‘s E.T. short for?

Because he has little legs.

When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren't surprised...

...but you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.

Thứ Tư, 20 tháng 12, 2017

I just found an origami porn channel...

... but it is paper view only.

My wife told me she enjoys vacation sex the most.

That was a depressing postcard to get.

The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York...

... because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

When i was 17, my sister caught me masturbating...

She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.

A few days later, I caught her masturbating. She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.

By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.

"It's the blind man" he called.

That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.

"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

My sex life is like a video game

Single Player.

A horse walks into a bar

So a horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks,”why the long face?” The horse, incapable of communicating, shits on the floor and leaves.

I set out to lose 10 pounds this month...

Only 15 more to go

A blonde got tired of blonde jokes

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N," she answered.

The Redneck Joke

Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes." Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bubba says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"


"Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater!"

Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim Bob says, "What's that?"

Bubba says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"


“Then you’re fucking gay.”

A joke my Grandpa told me the other day...

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically, all in the name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this! ………I’m talking to that little bastard on your lap!”

Women Used to Burn to Death in Their Dresses Kind of All the Time

Women Used to Burn to Death in Their Dresses Kind of All the Time
No matter what they wear, women get burned for it. But in the mid-19th century, this was extremely literal.

December 19, 2017 at 10:06PM
via Digg

Jobs that don't exist anymore;

  1. Steve

Have you met the guy with 5 dicks?

His underwear fits like a glove.

The teacher walks into the class…

As she walks in is written on the board “Johnny has a huge penis”, she erase the board, and proceed class.

In the next day as she walk in, is written again in the board, “Johnny has a huge penis”, she them looks at the class and asks who wrote that, but no one answers. She then erase and start class.

Next day same thing, “Johnny has a huge penis” written on the board, she them goes mad, looks at Johnny and yells “I will speak with you after class young man!”

In the next day as she enter the class, written even bigger in the board is “Marketing is the key of success!”

Edit: fuck up a word.

In a hotel room at night, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep...

At night in a hotel room, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep: they tell various political jokes. He tries to scare them:

"The KGB is listening to everything here!"

Those two just laugh and continue. Then he goes out and asks the room attendant to bring to the room three cups of coffee exactly five minutes later.

He returns, leans to the ashtray and says:

"Comrade Major! Three cups of coffee to our room, please!”

The attendant brings coffee. Stunned neighbors go to bed.

In the morning the joker wakes up alone. He asks the attendant where his neighbors are. She replies:

"At night, the KGB swooped in and took them!”

“And they did not take me? Why?”

“Comrade Major said he liked your ashtray joke.”

Thứ Ba, 19 tháng 12, 2017

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"

The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them.

Working at home sucks...

....if you’re a firefighter.

Faith vs Science

I’m not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I’ve seen what it can do to skyscrapers.

Green chameleon for sale...

No, a red one.

No, blue.

No wait, a pink one.


Never mind, I'm keeping it!

A husband and wife were golfing

when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

The husband said, "No sweetie."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."

So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." " Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

Americans spy in Soviet Union

1960's. CIA decided to send the most advanced spy into Soviet Union. They trained him for 15 years in how Soviets Lived, 10 years in Russian, so he was completely fluent, another 5 years in Russian customs traditions. According to everyone in CIA, this guy was UNDETECTABLE. After US president wishes him luck, he's dressed in typical Soviet attire and dropped off by covert helicopter near Norwegian border, hikes up 25 kilometers to nearest village. He sees a line for Vodka and takes a spot in line.

In front of him is an old grandma. She turns around, looks at him and says:

  • Hey, aren't you an American spy?
  • [shocked] ... how did you know????
  • We've never seen a black person around here before.

What's the difference between an outlaw and an inlaw?

Outlaws are wanted

Only anti-vaccinators will get this.


My neighbor thinks I spy on her..

I would tell her otherwise, but she's in the shower right now

Defender Thinks He Knows Play Call And Taunts Cam Newton, Immediately Gets Burned For A Touchdown

Defender Thinks He Knows Play Call And Taunts Cam Newton, Immediately Gets Burned For A Touchdown
Green Bay's Clay Matthews thought he knew what was coming. He did not.

December 18, 2017 at 10:23PM
via Digg

Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient's organ?

Apparently it was an inside joke

A woman is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned ☝her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”

“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.

“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.

“What did he say?” asked the man.

He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

A 7 year old girl

A 7 year old girl was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " SEX: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at sex that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.

The wife just gave me a massive bollocking for throwing a snowball at our son.

To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward

Did you hear about the time Trump took viagra?

He just got taller

Thứ Hai, 18 tháng 12, 2017

A King enrolled his donkey in a race & won

Local papers read:

“King’s ass won”

The king was so upset with this kind of publicity. So he gave the donkey to the queen.

The local papers then read:

"Queen has the best ass in town"

The king & queen were both upset..

Queen then sold the donkey to a farmer for 100$. Next day papers read:

"Queen sold her ass for 100$"

The queen didn’t know what to do..

The next day king ordered the queen to buy back the donkey and leave it in jungle.

The paper’s finally read:

"Queen announces her ass is free & wild"

I hate it when women turn off the light before having sex...

It makes it really difficult for me to see them through the window...

A bald guy slipped in the shower

Fell on his head and slipped again.

Why does Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks

Hey girl, are you a Chinese immigrant from the 1800s?

Because I want to make you mine.

Did you hear about the person who invented the "knock-knock" joke?

He won the Nobel prize.

Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

I told my Daughter, “You will marry the boy I choose.”

She said, “NO!”

I told my daughter, “He is Bill Gates’ son.”

She said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your son to marry my daughter.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My daughter is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my daughter the CEO.

He said, “NO.”

I told him, “My daughter is Bill Gates’ daughter in law”

He said, “OK.”

This is how politics works.

The Insane True Story Of How 'Titanic' Got Made

The Insane True Story Of How 'Titanic' Got Made
James Cameron's epic "$190 million chick flick" spawned "Leomania" and presented us with a new kind of wish fulfillment.

December 18, 2017 at 01:49AM
via Digg

It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

A dwarf walked into a bar.

The bar for this joke is set pretty low.

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so...

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”

I can tell how uncomfortable a person is...

...just by hugging them for 18 minutes.

Damn girl are you a smoke alarm?

Because you're really fucking loud and annoying.

Chủ Nhật, 17 tháng 12, 2017

Damn girl are you a parked car?

Because I would have to be drunk as fuck to hit that

Many surnames can tell you what a person is

  • Smith is a blacksmith
  • Draper is a cloth merchant
  • Archer is a bowman
  • Pai is a cunt.

Damn girl are you a reddit user?

Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!

Creating a new password

Enter password


Re-enter password


Your passwords are not alike

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Damn girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

Damn girl are you a Rubik's cube?

Because fuck you, you stupid piece of shit.

Grandpa was summoned for an audit

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, ‘Okay. Go ahead. ‘

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’

'Fetus' And 'Transgender' Listed As Forbidden Words For The CDC

'Fetus' And 'Transgender' Listed As Forbidden Words For The CDC
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention are told to avoid banned words and phrases like "fetus," "transgender," and "science-based" in budget documents.

December 16, 2017 at 09:59PM
via Digg

What's a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?


Hey girl, is your atomic number 11?

Because you're sodium fine.

Self-deprecating jokes are great.

Not that I'm any good at them.

An amnesiac walks into a bar

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

Thứ Bảy, 16 tháng 12, 2017

I watched a soccer game that ended in a 1-1 draw...

No 1-1

One day, when Donald Trump is dead, in his tombstone, we'll read: "HERE LIES DONALD TRUMP"


A first grade teacher explains to her class that she's American and asks her students to raise their hands if they're American too...

Not really knowing why, but wanting to be like their teacher, hands explode into the air like fireworks.

There is, however, one exception, a girl named Becky isn't going along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an American."

"Then, what are you?" asks the teacher.

"I'm a proud Canadian!" boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red and asks Kristen why she feels she's Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry and screams, "That's no reason! What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron!? What would you be then?"

A pause and a smile.

"Then," says Kristen. "I'd be an American."

I started a Chinese-Nazi Facebook page

so far its got three reichs

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain.

Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"

She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

Barbies create unrealistic expectations of women

No woman's head reattaches THAT easily in my experience

A black man and a white man walk into a bakery.

The black man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the white, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The white man says to the black man, "That's typical of you black people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The white man swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the white man swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"

The white man replies, "Look in the black man's back pocket."

Five cannibals

Five cannibals are hired as employees in a company. Their first day at the company the boss tells them: - Now you are part of the group, here you earn well, and if you are hungry you can go to the company canteen. So please, do not bother other employees! The cannibals promise not to disturb others. Four weeks later the boss comes back to the cannibals and tells them: - You are all working well, I am very satisfied with you, the company is doing very well. But yesterday one of the cleaning girls disappeared, the offices are dirty. Do any of you know what happened? All cannibals say they know nothing about the girl. But after the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals asks the others: - Which of you idiots ate the girl? One hesitantly raises his hand, and the leader of the cannibals reproaches him: - Imbecile! For four weeks we ate senior executives; area managers and product managers, so that no one noticed anything, and you ..... you, did you really have to eat the cleaning lady?!?

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

With the outrage regarding the repeal of Net Neutrality, it is important to remember that there are two sides to this issue.

The outraged side,

And the uninformed.

Hot Thai girl

I was sitting opposite a really hot Thai girl on the train this morning.

I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, Please don't get an erection."

But she did.

Man, if you thought No Nut November was bad...

Wait until No Net December.

Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons.

If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.

Senator Questions US District Court Nominee About Basic Legal Matters, He Struggles To Answer A Single One

Senator Questions US District Court Nominee About Basic Legal Matters, He Struggles To Answer A Single One
"What was the last time you read the Federal Rules of Evidence?" "... All the way through?"

December 16, 2017 at 01:36AM
via Digg

I like my women like i like my coffee...


On the night of his inauguration, Trump is visited by three ghosts.

Early in the night, FDR appears. When Trump asks him how he can make America great, FDR replies “Think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets.” Trump’s face sours, and he yells “FAKE NEWS!”

A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Trump asks “how can I make America great again?” Washington replies “I would suggest you never tell a lie”, which infuriates Trump.

Around three in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks “how can I make America great again?”. Lincoln responds, “go to the theater.”

Thứ Sáu, 15 tháng 12, 2017

A shy cowboy goes into a bar

this is an old one but I'll give it a try he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

I hope your internet is kinky

Because it's about to get choked

Girl: come over. Guy: I’m coming over.

Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.

For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus

It's the little things that count

Everyone should calm down about that Net Neutrality thing...

You guys seem so Ajitated.

My new girlfriend works at the Zoo.

I think she is a keeper.

What is the difference between Ajit Pai and Hitler?

Hitler was doing what he thought was best for his country.

Generation Screwed

Generation Screwed
Why millennials are facing the scariest financial future of any generation since the Great Depression.

December 14, 2017 at 09:40PM
via Digg

Ajit Pai.

That's it. That's the whole fucking joke.

What’s the opposite of a cactus?

A BMW, it has its pricks on the inside.

A boy paid a girl $10 to climb a flagpole...

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened.

Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear."

The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $20 to climb the flagpole."

Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

Where do dogs get new tails?

The retail store

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once the leopard is in earshot, the dachshund sighs contentedly and says to himself, "My, that was one tasty leopard." And not being of the brightest variety, the leopard immediately high-tails it out of the area.

A monkey had been watching all this go down, and, being the cheeky rascal of the jungle, decides to spill the beans to the leopard. Swinging through the trees, he eventually catches up to the leopard, and tells him that there's no way that little dog could have eaten an entire leopard. The leopard sees he's made a fool of himself, vows revenge, and tells the monkey to hop on his back to come watch.

A few minutes later, the dachshund sees them approaching. As they get closer, he taps his foot in apparent irritation and mutters to himself,

"Where's that daggum monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to fetch me another leopard!"

Thứ Năm, 14 tháng 12, 2017

A blonde, brunette, and red head are waiting in front of the pearly gates when God comes out to greet them

"Usually I wouldn't let any of you girls in, but I'm having a good day. I'll give you all a deal. If you can climb my 1000 stair staircase and listen to a joke at each step without laughing I'll let you in." They all agree.

The brunette loses at the 100th step. The red head loses at the 500th step. The blonde makes it to the 999th step and begins to laugh hysterically . God asks her "You were so close, why did you laugh?"

She replies "I just got the first one."

How do You Drown a Hipster?

Throw him into the mainstream.

My son didn't cope well with going to jail...

He refused to eat or drink anything.

He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Teacher : "Why are you late?"

Student: "Someone told me to go to hell."

Teacher: "Why did that make you late to class?"

Student: "I couldn't find it at first, but now here I am."

What gets bigger the more you take from it?

The lower class.

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

A man says to the doctor: 'What's the good news?' 'You've got 24 hours to live. He says: 'What's the bad news?

The doctor says: 'We should have told you yesterday.'

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

In Unprecedented Result, Roy Moore Loses Alabama Senate Race To Democrat Doug Jones

In Unprecedented Result, Roy Moore Loses Alabama Senate Race To Democrat Doug Jones
Alabama hasn't elected a Democrat to the Senate in almost 30 years.

December 13, 2017 at 09:37PM
via Digg

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach

unless he’s a vegetarian.

Then you can get there through his vagina.

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people

  1. They would spend it on alcohol.
  2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

What's the difference between Roy Moore and an Anti-Vaxxer?

The Anti-vaxxer is against sticking it in kids

A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway

COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: mine

You really ought to hear this joke about Net Neutrality now.

Or you'll pay for it later.

I have OCD which severely affects my sex life.

Every time a girl gets turned on, I turn them off again.

Why did 10 die?

He was in the middle of 9/11.

Thứ Tư, 13 tháng 12, 2017

I bought condoms at a store and the cashier said would you like a bag with that

I replied saying No she's rather pretty actually

Apparently, there's a new sex position called, "delivery man"...

You stay in all day and no-one comes...

How do flat-earthers travel?

on a plane...

The priest's wife

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the Priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally, the Priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob, feeling guilty, confesses to the priest... "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The Priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...... "You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

A farmer is laying in the bed with his wife

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.

He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the goat and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."