Mourning wood
Thứ Sáu, 30 tháng 4, 2021
"Your sign outside says 3 strippers for 4.99... We talking topless or fully nude?"
"Sir this is Dominoes pizza. They're chicken strippers."
"Ok ok, now the price makes sense... How long is each dance?"
Mother and son
Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad.
Liam: I like you both.
Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go
Liam: I will go to paris.
Mother: That’s means you like dad more
Liam: No, its because i like paris
Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go.
Liam: I will go to America. Mother: Why
Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Thứ Năm, 29 tháng 4, 2021
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."
Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have.. Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
The third-grade teacher calls on Little Ernie and says, "Can you use the word `beautiful' twice in the same sentence?"
"Oh, sure," replies Ernie. "Um... Yesterday, my sister came home, told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, fucking beautiful!"
200 IQ baby
Father: “Say Daddy”
Baby: “Mommy”
Father: “No, say Daddy”
Baby: “Mommy”
Father: “Fuck you! Say Daddy!”
Baby: “Fuck you”
Mother arrives home
Mother: Honey, I’m back! How’s the baby?
Baby: “Fuck you”
Mother: “What?! Who taught you that awful word?”
Baby: “Daddy”
Corona must have hit India hard...
I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.
I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...
I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right places. I said WOW and gave her my name. She gave me hers, so i asked what she did.
She said "I'm a Sunday school teacher."
I said "Well, I Ain't never been with a Christian woman before but I'm open minded about the whole affair."
So we got in my Corvette and i was trying to impress her now. I headed to the fancyest place in town that didn't take reservations. I asked her if she'd like to smoke a joint while we wait.
She said "Heavens no! What would i tell my sunday school children?" And I apologized.
I figure weed's 50/50 some people do some people don't, so i took a few puffs and then we got a table.
She ordered the lobster, I ordered the steak. I asked for the 2nd most expensive bottle of wine on the list, but when our waiter came to pour it, she declined saying "Heavens no! What would I tell my Sunday school children?"
I knew right then and there it was a bust. We ate our pricey meals. We talked and laughed. Had a great time at dinnet bur I drank that whole pricey bottle by myself thinking her Christ was one helluva cock blocker.
So I'm driving her home and we pass a cheap motel. I figure I've got nothing left to lose, so I say "Why don't we get a room and fuck like bunnies?"
She says "I thought you'd never ask!"
I say "really? What will you tell your Sunday school children?"
She says, "The same thing I tell them every week...
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRINK AND SMOKE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME!!!"
Happy cake day: reposting my most liked joke. Hope you approve!
If you like lawyer jokes, here are some of the best recorded interactions that have happened in actual courts or trials
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A man places his penis in a crocodiles mouth in front of amazed onlookers
He assures the crowd that it is a well trained animal and that he is perfectly safe. To demonstrate this even further he takes a full beer bottle and smacks the Croc over the head - all while his tackle rests in the animals jaws. The Croc doesn't budge, so he does it again! Nothing. He turn and asks the crowd is there anyone else brave enough to try?
An elderly lady shakily raise her hand to the now surprised onlookers and says 'I'll have a go, but don't hit me so hard over the head'
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
(credit to "Fact and Fun" on youtube)
One of the first steps toward becoming a man...
One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.
"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine steps."
The boy listens intently and follows each direction:
"Step one: unzip your trousers."
"Okay."
"Step two: pull out your penis."
"Got it."
"Step three: pull back your foreskin. This will help you aim better."
"Oh, I see."
"Step four: go pee, making sure to squeeze out every drop."
*grunts* "Easy enough."
"Step five: push your foreskin back into place."
"Right."
"Step six: tuck your penis back inside your underwear."
"Yeah."
"Step seven: zip up your trousers."
"Uh huh."
"Step eight: flush the toilet."
"Well of course, dad."
"Step nine: wash your hands. Your mom will raise hell if you skip this one."
"Oh, okay."
"And that's it! Now one last thing that your grandpa told me when he taught me all this at your age: saying the number of each step out loud will help you remember to do them in the right order and save you from making a mess."
"Thanks dad! I feel like a real man now!"
"That's my boy."
A few days later, the boy is in the bathroom, and his father happens to walk past the closed door. Wondering whether the boy has been practicing what he had taught him, the dad pauses to listen, but all he hears is:
"Threefivethreefivethreefivethreefive..."
My favorite Dad joke, because it’s my cake day.
Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.
Thứ Tư, 28 tháng 4, 2021
Two Jews, Moishe and Abram, are arguing.
Moishe: Black is a color
Abram: No it is not.
Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.
Abram: No, it's not.
They go to the rabbi.
Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.
Moshe: See, Abram, I told you.
Abram: Okay, but white is not a color,
Moishe: Yes it is.
Abram: No, it is not.
Moishe: Rebbe, is white a color?
Rabbi: Yes, Moishe, white is indeed a color.
Moishe: See, I told you I sold you a color TV.
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention
so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
A man asks his wife, What would you do if I won the lottery?
His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six, now get out!"
What's the difference between dark humour, morbid humour and brutal humour?
Dark humour is ten children in one trash can, morbid humour is one child in ten trash cans and brutal humour is ten trash cans in one child.
I encountered a milf at a bar last night
although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy
we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time
then, she asked me flirtatiously
"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet".
She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys
opens her door
turn on the light
and she yells towards upstairs
"Mom, are you still awake？”
The build up is what makes it
So a priest walks down from the church into the market.
he sees a young boy at a stand, selling fish.
he had never seen fish like these.
so the priest walks over to the boy and asks, "what type of fish are these?"
boy replies "sons of bitches"
priest says" you shouldnt talk like that son!"
little boy says "no, thats the name of the fish!"
Priest: "i guess thats alright, Ill take some of them"
so the priest goes home and cooks the fish and says "wow these are great. and you know who'd love these? the Cardinal!"
so the priest buys more fish and the following week is having dinner with the cardinal.
priest says, "These are some tasty sons of bitches eh!?"
cardinal says " father your a man of the cloth, i've never heard you speak like that in all the years Ive known you!"
priest says, " no, its the name of the fish!"
cardinal looks at him and says " really? oh ok. but you know who would really love these? The Pope!"
so the following sunday, the priest and the cardinal are sitting down to dinner with the Pope.
priest looks at the cardinal and says "these are some tasty sons of bitches huh?!"
cardinal says " these are the tastiest sons of bitches I ever had!"
they turn to the Pope.
The Pope sets down his knife, then sets down his fork. Looks at the Priest and Cardinal and says,
"YOU MOTHER FUCKERS ARE ALRIGHT!"
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in!
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, A Royal Flush beats a Pair. no matter how big they are.
My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work
I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn’t like it
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.
FO: My dog is so smart that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.
SO: I know.
FO: How do you know?
FO: My dog told me.
Thứ Ba, 27 tháng 4, 2021
A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend
she was thrilled at the speed.
"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"
The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"
He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown clear, but the boyfriend got stuck in a hole.
"Go and get help" he yelled.
"I can't I'm naked!"
"take my shoe, he said, and cover yourself."
Holding the shoe to her pubes she ran off, down the road. she came to a gas station, and ran inside to the proprietor.
"Please help, my boyfriend got stuck in a hole!"
The proprietor look at her. looked at the shoe, and then said: "there's nothing I can do, he's too far in. "
In a tragic accident, the circus' human cannonball was killed today.
When asked if he will find a replacement, the Ringmaster responded, "Where will I ever find another man of his caliber?"
A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.
He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,
"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"
The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man must have his penis reduced to a normal size to help with blood flow and stop the stutter.
A week later and the doctor conducts the surgery and removes most of the penis and leaves it off to the side and stitches the man up. He wakes up and without a doubt, no stutter! "Thank you doctor this will be life changing!"
A week passes and the man comes back down to see the doctor. "Doctor iv been able to talk fine but the issue is the girls don't like me anymore, I used to get all the ladies with my huge penis, now they don't like me, I need you stitch my penis back on"
The doctor replies, "g-g-g-g-go fuck yourself"
Teamster in a whore house
So a Teamster goes to Vegas for the annual conference and while he's there, asks one of his local brothers where a good whore house can be found. The local gives him three options. At the first house, he asks the Madame how much for a girl. "$100" " what's the split? " "Girl gets $25, house gets $75." So he leaves. At the second house, he's told a girl costs $100 "What's the split?" " House gets $60, girl gets $40" So he leaves At the third house he's told a girl will cost $100 "What's the split?" " girl gets $75, house gets $25" " hot damn! That's a price a working man can live with! " Looking over the room, he sees a blonde with big tits giving him a look. So he runs over, grabs her by the arm, and starts to head upstairs. The Madame stops him and points over at a woman in her 70s with bad skin, stringy hair, and one good tooth. "Not so fast! Darlene has seniority."
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.
An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.
"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here" "Yes I am here my husband", she says
"Kajol, my daughter, are you here" "Yes I am here father", she says
"Suren, My son, are you here" "Yes I am here father", he says
"Well, if all of you are here, then who is looking after the bloody shop" yells the father
A poor Irish family
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.
One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.
"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.
The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.
"I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.
The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.
"I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.
The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.
"Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky.
Poof! A female leprechaun appears.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies.
The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.
The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.
"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."
The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?"
The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold.
The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?"
"What do you mean?" says the leprechaun.
"The cow didn't."
Memories - Robin Williams Told this Originally
I was moving to California when I stopped at one of those old Indian trading posts somewhere in the desert.
One of the attractions there was an Native American with a sign beside him that read "this man has greatest memory in the world $5 per question" So I paid my $5 and asked him a question.
"What did you have for breakfast on the eighth of January 1993?"
He says "Eggs"
So 5 years later I'm moving away from California to another job and I stop with my U-Haul at the same place and I walk up to the guy again and I decide to do the traditional native American greeting I up up my hand and say "How"
and he says
"Scrambled"
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
Thứ Hai, 26 tháng 4, 2021
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing.
Three men crash in a plane over the Amazon rainforest and are immediately captured by cannibals
To their surprise, the cannibals don't immediately kill them. Instead, they show the men (through pictures and such) the beginning of an ancient ritual which, upon successful completion by the men, will result in their freedom.
For the first step, they are instructed to go off into the jungle and collect ten pieces of a single kind of fruit.
The first man comes back triumphantly holding ten oranges. He is overcome with dismay when the second part of the ritual is revealed to him: he must now put all ten of the fruits up his ass without making the slightest noise, or he will be killed.
He fits an entire orange up there but when he starts to put the second in, he whimpers in pain. The cannibals kill him on the spot, roast him, and eat him.
The second man returns with a handful of ten grapes. The second part of the ritual is also explained to him, and he feels confident he can succeed. Sure enough, he starts popping them in his rectum one by one, and eventually is left with only one grape to go. However, as he is about to insert it, he suddenly bursts out laughing. The cannibals murder him and eat him.
The two men meet each other up at the Pearly Gates. The first man can't believe it.
"You were almost there!" He says to the second man. "You could've lived! Why did you laugh?"
"Because," says the second man, "I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."
A blonde moves out to the country....
A blonde moves out to the countryside because she's tired of people in the city assuming she's dumb because of her hair color. She dyes her hair brown, packs up, and moves out. On her way to her new house she passes a shepherd with a herd of sheep. Eager to start her new life, she pulls over and poses a challenge to the shepherd. "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I pick one to keep?"
The shepherd agrees so she spends some time looking and thinking and decides to just make a random guess.
"377?"
The shepherd, shocked, tells her she's right and let's her choose a sheep. She chooses one, loads it into her car and drives to her new house.
A couple hours later, she's getting her new house set up when she hears a knock at the door. She opens it and sees the shepherd.
The shepherd, calmly, says "Ma'am if I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"
The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin
Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ? German: two hundred meters later take the third Reich.
(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)
A man is walking down the beach and comes across a girl with no arm or legs crying:
Man: "What's the matter?"
Woman: "I've never been hugged before."
The man moved by compassion leans down and gives her a hug and begins continuing down the beach. Seconds after he leaves, he hears her sobbing once more and turns around.
Man: "What's wrong now?"
Woman: "I've never been kissed before."
The man bends down and gives her a kiss on the cheek then continues on his way once more. A few seconds later she starts crying uncontrollably and the man thinks, "My God, what now??" He turns back to her.
Man: "What's the matter now?"
Woman: "I've never been fucked before."
The man then proceeds to pick up the woman and throw her into the ocean and says: "Now you're fucked!"
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech. Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda."
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous). At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Ma'am," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
Chủ Nhật, 25 tháng 4, 2021
A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant
A whale and a dolphin are eating at a restaurant. When the check comes to the table the dolphin insists on paying. The whale is quite grateful and wants to leave the tip at least but the dolphin respectfully declines.
The whale then says “thanks if there’s anything you ever need let me know”
The dolphin replies “you’re welcome”
Then the Whale says “Gross....why would you want that?”
Are you Blonde?
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.
As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.
Little Johnny replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing Little Johnny replied, “They will in a minute.”
A company owner was asked a question,
How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?" He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."
President Biden visits a fully vaccinated senior home
After a heartful speech in which he thanked the staff for their effort and the residents for their sacrifices he was doing the hand-shaking round. As he greeted a particular old woman who appeared to be quite "out of it", he asked her, "Do you know who I am?". Her response was simply, "No, but there's a nice woman at the front desk who can tell you!"
God tells these 3 guys that the vehicle they'll be driving around in heaven will be a reflection of how faithful they were to their wives
The first guy was cheating on his wife like every month, so God gave him a Chevy to drive around in heaven.
The second guy cheated on his wife once or twice over the years, but overall was pretty faithful, so God gave him an Acura to drive around in heaven.
The third guy never cheated on his wife at all and was the most faithful he could have possibly been, so God gave him a Rolls-Royce to drive around in heaven.
Sometime later, the first and second guy found the third guy sitting down crying. When they asked him what was wrong, he said "I just saw my wife riding down the road on a skateboard."
A guy went up the librarian at a library. . .
He asked her, “Do you have any books on paranoia?”
She leaned over to him and whispered, “They’re right behind you.”
It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.
After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”
A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.
With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “Well sergeant...for somebody who hasn’t had sex since 2015 you certainly haven’t forgotten anything!”.
The man looks at his watch and says: “I should hope not, it’s only 2230!”
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a donkey.
The brothel keeper asks how she can help him. He says, "I need a woman, because mine has left me."
The keeper says "Why? And what are the honeycomb and donkey for?" The dwarf says, "My wife found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first, she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this lovely donkey..."
The keeper asked, "What was the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knees." "That's not so bad." "Not so bad?" Spluttered the dwarf, "I used to be six foot three!"
Thứ Bảy, 24 tháng 4, 2021
4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado
Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.
After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..,Well.., Well.., I ... think I need a brain".
"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I'VE HEARD ITS TRUE." says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"
A Married Couple Terrified a Cab Driver.
They were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater, having had a break-in in the past, they turned on a nightlight and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When their cab arrived, they walked out from their front door and their rather tubby cat scooted between their legs, ran inside the house and up the stairs. Because their cat likes to chase their budgie, they really didn’t want to leave it alone. So, the husband ran inside to retrieve the cat and put it in the backyard again.
Since the wife didn’t want the taxi driver to know that their house was going to be empty all evening, she explained to him that her husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to his mother. A few minutes later, he appeared in the cab visibly flustered.
As the cab pulled away, he said, (to her growing horror and amusement)
“Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck.I then wrapped her in a blanket so she couldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard. She had better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again!”
The silence in the taxi was deafening…
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is inthere already.The little boy says, "Dark in here."The man says, "Yes, it is."Boy - "I have a baseball."Man - "That's nice."Boy - "Want to buy it?"Man - "No, thanks."Boy - "My dad's outside."Man - "OK, how much?"Boy - "$250"In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover arein the closet together.Boy - "Dark in here."Man - "Yes, it is."Boy - "I have a baseball glove."The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"Boy - "$750"Man - "Fine."A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's gooutside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold mybaseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell themfor?"Boy - "$1,000"The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends likethat...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in theconfession booth and he closes the door.The boy says, "Dark in here."The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Edit: A wholesome award? You all are funny!
Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.
So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.
After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just make a magical floating storage area in the sky. He called the storage area his attic because he thought it was neat, as he'd never been able to fit in a real house with a real attic.
Anywho the magic of the attic had worn down over time and stuff was starting to fall randomly. One day the giant is sleeping on his stomach and a piano falls out of the attic right onto his back. He goes to his village and sees someone who is both a doctor and magician. He says to the doctor/magician "So I was just laying down on my stomach and a piano fell on my lower back". The doctor/magician says "Oh, so you need my medical skills because you have a hurt sciatic?" And the giant says "Actually I need your magic skills because I have a weak sky attic"
Two birds are on a tree branch in the middle of the night
Bird 1: "I'm hungry, I'm going to try to find a mouse to eat."
Bird 2: "You sure? It's pretty damn dark to find a mouse."
Bird 1: "There's no harm in trying."
Bird 2: "I guess.."
So bird 1 flies off into the darkness. Some time passes and the sun begins to rise. Bird 2 sees his pal flying back with a juicy beakful of blood.
Bird 2: "Wow! Where did you find a feast like that?"
Bird 1: "See that tree over there?"
Bird 2: "Yeah"
Bird 1: "Well, I didn't."
A burglar broke into a house one night....
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.
The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."
Thứ Sáu, 23 tháng 4, 2021
A man is told the local bank offers mortgages with no interest
The man enters the bank.
Man: I’m here to find out about the mortgage
Employee: I don’t really care.
The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.
When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.
My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more...
The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.
—————————————————————
The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain
At one point during a game,
the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. " Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative. The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
The secret to a happy marriage.
Young man is talking to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, I notice you and Grandma never argue. What's your secret?"
Grandpa says "We went to the Grand Canyon on our honeymoon, and we took a guided donkey tour to the bottom. Well a little bit after we started our descent, your Granny's donkey stumbled a bit. Granny said "That's one". I thought it was odd, but you know, we just kept going. A bit later, the donkey stumbled again and Granny said "That's Two". Well at this point the route was getting narrow and scary so I didn't say anything, I just wanted to keep moving. Well a bit later it stumbled again and Granny said "That's three" and she took out a pistol and she shot that donkey dead! And I said "Dear, don't you think that was a bit harsh?" and your granny looked at me and said "That's one".
Thứ Năm, 22 tháng 4, 2021
My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke
A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".
A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it.
While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says,
"Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”
The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”
The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or ass, Sweetie, what are you doing then?”
He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, ‘Vair in DA hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?”
So Tod goes to a new truckers joint...
He sits down and the waiter approaches him.
Do you want to hear the daily specials sir? He asks.
"No thank you", says Todd, "let me smell your hand and I'll tell you want I'd like today".
So the waiter reluctantly proceeds to offer his hand to be smelled by this weird customer.
Todd says, I'll have the fried chicken with spicy paprika mashed potatoes.
The waiter is impressed, he thinks to himself: how does this guys know that's on the menu!
Todd has his lunch, pays the check and leaves.
Next day, Todd walks in again, and again he asks to smell the same waiter's hand.
This day, he says, I'll have the catfish with a side of salad.
Again, the waiter is dumbfounded by this guy's sense of smell. Todd gets his lunch, eats it, pays the bill and leaves.
The next day, surely Todd walks in, but this time the waiter has something planned.
The waiter goes to the kitchen and says to the kitchen lady, "ok Mary, come here" he proceeds to put his hand under her skirt (you know where) and goes to attend Todd.
Would you like to hear today's specials? says the Waiter
No, thank you, let me smell your hand and I'll tell you what I'll have.
So the waiter offers his hand with a smirk in his face, Todd smells it and exclaims:
"I didn't know Mary worked here!"
(hope it translates well)
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you
Everything from the sound it makes.'
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please..' The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'
He replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00,but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50
Thứ Tư, 21 tháng 4, 2021
A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:
"Is there a doctor in the building?!"
He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.
"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."
"How do you feel?" asks the doctor.
"Nauseous," says the guest, "I just threw up my whole meal and I still feel sick and lightheaded."
"What did you eat?" says the doctor, suspecting a case of fast-acting food poisoning.
"The chicken lo mein, number 9, and some dumplings."
At this point the other guest emerges from the bathroom.
"What did you eat today?" asks the doctor.
"I had egg rolls and chicken lo mein," he says.
As a third patron hurries toward the bathroom, the doctor tells the other two to have a seat, and urgently asks exactly how many people ordered the chicken lo mein. The manager counts up the orders.
"Seven."
The sick patrons are starting to look worryingly unwell. Fearing they may have contracted some deadly, unknown disease, the doctor instructs the manager to call an ambulance, and get the rest of the patrons out, so he can spread the sick customers out and attend to them.
"We can't kick everybody out!" protests the manager. "We need the money. We were closed all last year for Covid and this restaurant is heavily in debt."
Seeing that he won't get far with this approach, the doctor racks his brain for where he can put seven people until paramedics arrive. He remembers that the rest of the building is occupied by a hotel. He rushes out the door, into the hotel to the front desk to ask if they can spare a room.
"We have a conference room on the first floor, but it's booked at 4pm, so I can't let you use it." The clerk at the front desk is uncooperative.
The manager comes up behind him and tells him that an ambulance is on its way, and that five of the people who ate the lo mein are showing symptoms; two seem perfectly fine.
"Please," the doctor begs, "I need a place to put a bunch of sick people from the restaurant next door before the ambulances arrive."
"When do you need it?" the desk clerk asks.
"Now, I need it now!"
"And for how long?"
"Two hours at most."
"Why do you need it again?"
Exasperated, the doctor starts over. "Now listen carefully, because I'm not going to repeat myself again.
I need the room from 1 to 3 for five sick, seven ate 9!"
A Boob, a Vagina and an Asshole are debating
Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the
opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest.
Vagina: That's nothing.
I give birth to babies, and can accommodate the opposite sex.
That's why I'm the greatest.
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak.
Senior sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
At breakfast, the wife asks her husband “What would you do if I won the Lotto?”
He says, “I’d take my half and leave you.”
She says, "Great. Here's $6, I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch.”
A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'
'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
'Shit mom, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops '
WHACK...she spanks him
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know mom, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'
A black man is driving in a Mercedes-Benz when he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop asks him for his license and registration and begins to question him about his car. "Where'd you get the money to buy such a nice Benz?"
The man replies, "I'm a specialty surgeon, I enlarge assholes."
Skeptical, the officer asks more about the procedure. The man explains, "First you work a finger in, then two, three, until you can get your whole hand in...then you do the other and slowly pull and work the rim until you can get a foot in for more leverage, then both feet and pull and stretch it until it's about 6 feet.
The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
The black man replies, "Give it a badge and a radar gun".
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said:
"Meow."
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"
They run until they reach a dead end.
They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:
"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVERT HIM!"
They lion stops walking, and the monks praise God.
The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says:
"Bless us, O Lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen."
Reposts...
r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.
A man orders a tomato soup at a restaurant..
As soon as waiter brings the soup he started yelling at waiter and ask him to taste the soup.
Waiter "sorry sir we're not allowed to do that. I will bring you another one."
He still kept yelling at him and asked him to taste the soup.
Waiter was nervous by now so he told the man that "I will call the manager"
As soon as manager arrives, he starts yelling at him and asked him to taste the soup.
Manager apologies and tells the same that it is not in their policy and he asks waiter to bring another one.
But the man wouldn't stop asking manager to taste the soup.
Finally, manager gives up and said , "ok. I will taste the soup. Please give me the spoon."
Man said "exactly "
Having a bad day and need your spare funny NSFW jokes. Help me Reddi-wan your my only joke!
So this cowboy goes out riding. Gets captured by natives and is told that now is a holy time so he may live in their camp for 3 days while the holy time comes to a close. The cowboy agrees (like he had a choice)
First day he askes his guard if he can go talk to his horse. The guard wants to know why. So he explains that he had been with his horse for 10 years and just wants to bid him farewell. So the guard thinks about and finally agrees. So the cowboy goes up to his horse, whispers in the horses eat and the horse takes off like a streak of lightning. Smiling to himself he goes back to his tent. 2 hours later the horse comes moseying back, a pair of naked girls on his back. The girls and the cowboy head in to the tent and have sex.
Second day. He askes guard again if he can go talk to his horse. The guard says I see what you're up to. The cowboy says you do? The guard nods and says I get her after you do. Cowboy shrugs, heads down to the pen with his horses is. again he whispered in the horses ear, horse takes off again like a streak of lightning about 3 hours later the horse comes moseying back he's got three naked girls on his back so the guard, the girls and the cowboy go and have an orgy.
Third day. The day of his death. The cowboy askes again to talk to the horse, the guards tells him he doesn't have time to have sex, the cowboy says I know, this time I mean it I just wanna say good by to him. He was a good horse and I wanna tell hime so. So the guard let's the cowboy down to the pen and he goes over to his horse, the cowboy grabs the horse's rains, looks him dead in the eye and screams out at the top of his lungs.... I. SAID. POSSE!!!!
Thứ Ba, 20 tháng 4, 2021
The longest drum solo.
Was 5 hours and 23 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on United Flight LY51 From Newark to Los Angeles.
A teacher told his students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted, angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
George and Jim were born in the same hospital on the same day
They lived on the same street and they became the closest of friends, brought together by their shared love of football.
Before they were old enough to go to school they'd play football together in the street. When they were at school they played in the school team together. When they left school they played in the same amateur league together.
They were both season ticket holders for the same team and they had seats beside each other.
As they got older they found it hard to get to the games so they'd watch the football on the TV together.
Eventually Jim became unwell and it became apparent he wasn't going to get better. George asked Jim if there was a way after he died to tell him if there is football in heaven and Jim agrees to do so.
A short while later Jim passing away. A few days later George is sleeping when he hears Jim calling his name.
Jim: I'm here to tell you about the football in heaven, there's good news and bad news.
George: What's the good news?
Jim: There's football in heaven, everyone is young again so we can play without getting tired, we are better players than we were on earth, and the team play together really well.
George: What's the bad news?
Jim: Your name is on Saturday's team sheet
Edit: Thank you for the award! It is very much appreciated
me: I'm going to build a time machine
her [eating the last donut]: what you gonna use it for?
me [eating the last donut]: righting wrongs
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice.
"I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man.
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Thứ Hai, 19 tháng 4, 2021
In honour of my first cake day, here's a few of my favourite riddles. Feel free to try them on your friends.
Q: What gets bigger, the more you take away from it?
A: A hole
Q: What two words have thousands of letters in them?
A: Post office
Q: The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
A: A coffin
Q: What travels all over the world, but stays in the corner?
A: A stamp
Q: What runs all around a field, but doesn't move?
A: A fence
Q: What starts with E, ends with e and only has one letter in it?
A: Envelope
I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.
Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.
Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected to the moon, and even just neat pictures of the moon excited him.
Then came his most recent birthday, where we saved up and bought him actual moon rocks. He opened the gift, but he didn’t seem enthused at all. "What's wrong?" We asked.
He sighed. "It's nothing. I guess I'm... over the moon."
This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"
I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."
What's the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
(EDIT: my gf came back to me with "the type of meat you're putting in your mouth" which is way better.)
A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
- If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
- If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.
A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle. Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?” She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?" This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Chủ Nhật, 18 tháng 4, 2021
A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.
She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"
She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
"Can I help you?" She asks.
The man smiles and says "Its me, your new husband!"
"You must be joking..." The woman laughs.
"Well think about it," he says. "I have no arms so i cannot beat you. I have no legs so i cant walk all over you."
The woman's eyes narrow and she asks "Are you still good in bed?"
The man leans back in his chair and smiles. "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
An old joke from my parents' home country
At the international dentist convention the dentists from Iraq were displaying their new extraction technique.
With this device you can remove teeth from a patients mouth by entering through the rectum and navigating through their digestive track to pull the tooth out.
A dentist in the audience asks "Why did you make this?"
The iraqi dentist "Because Iraqis never open their mouths"
(At the time Saddam was killing anyone for talking bad about him)
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.
"So, how's it going down there in hell?" God says.
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.
"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff — I'm keeping him!" Satan says.
"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers:
"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"
God said yes.
The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "Sure, just a second."
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, “I’ll direct.”
DiCaprio says, “I’ll act.”
McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”
Drunk guy at a bar
So there’s a drunk guy at a bar and all of a sudden he starts to vomit. “Oh no, I vomited on my t-shirt, my wife is gonna kill me!” Says the drunkard. “Let me help you with that”, says the bartender. The bartender goes to the drunk guy and says: tell your wife some idiot vomited on your t-shirt and gave you 10 dollar for the inconvenience. Off he goes, the drunk guy.. he tells his wife the story and hands her 20 dollar. “But you said 10 dollar”, replies his wife. “Yes but the idiot also shat in my pants!”
How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to get on their high horse and the other to chastise them for oppressing the horse.
I don't like over confident people
Edit: Thanks for the silver!
Edit2: thanks for the gold!
Edit3: thanks for the platinum!
Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!
Thứ Bảy, 17 tháng 4, 2021
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.
They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...
At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island...
He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...
One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.
But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...
She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...
"Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?"
"yes" she said "anything!"
"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"
"ok..."
"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"
"wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly.
"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"
She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat.
"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"
"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.
"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited...
She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"
A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die and go to the pearly gates.
There they are met by St Peter. St Peter asks the first nun:
"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister replies: "Yes, with the tip of my finger"
"OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy water and in you go"
The next sister approached St Peter and He made the same question:
"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
"Yes, I once gave a hand job."
"Put your hand in the holy water and in you go."
At this point one of the nuns at that back starts pushing and shoving her way to the front, when she gets there St Peter asks:
"Why are you in such a hurry?"
The nun replies:
"I have to gargle before sister Anne puts her ass in it."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The brunette thinks "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast."
The Frenchman thinks "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whisky
He gulps them down quickly.
Bartender asks "What's the occasion?"
Guy replies "First blowjob"
Bartender "Wow, can I buy you another?"
Guy retorts "No, if 3 don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will"
A girl comes up to her stepdad and asks to borrow his car.
The stepdad denies her so she begs and begs and begs until finally the stepdad says, “fine, I’ll let you borrow the car if you drop on your knees and suck my dick.”
Disgusted, she turns around and goes back to her room.
30 mins later, she comes back to ask again because she really needs to borrow his car.
He says “Ok, but you still have to suck my dick!” She agrees, “fine but you better not tell anyone!”
She drops to her knees and puts his dick in her mouth but instantly pops up on her feet. “Ew! Your dick taste like shit!”
The father then remembers, “oh that’s right, your brother has the car tonight!”
What to pick
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly.
The barman says "That was quick!"
"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man.
"Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.
The man answers "no money."
The Marine on the Train
A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Little boy in the bath with his mom. "What’s that hairy thing mom?"
His mom replies, "That’s my sponge." "Oh yes," says the boy, "the babysitter’s got one, I've seen her washing dad’s face with it."
What kind of pet shop is this? (NSFW, original)
Joe had a dog that he loved dearly. Only one problem - no matter what he did, he just could not get the dog to stop soiling the carpet. Joe tried everything, read every book on dog training, bought every device on the market. But the dog just refused to be housebroken. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed it help can train any pet to do just about anything its owner wants. Even though it sounded too good to be true, Joe gave it a try.
The pet shop was very weird. Inside, half the shop was full of bones and dog treats. The other half of the shop was full of dildos, sex toys, and lubricant. It seemed the shop sold both. In the middle, behind the register, was a pleasant-looking man holding an old leather book.
Joe asked if the man could help house train his dog.
“Sure can,” he said. “See, this here is a magical book. I can rent it out to you. All you do is read the first page to your dog. And then the book gives your dog whatever he wants in order for him to do whatever you’re trying to train him to do. Works just about every time. Just bring it back here when you’re done. Oh, and make sure you have plenty of space.”
Joe thanked the man and rented the book. A few days later he comes back with the old leather book in hand.
“Well, my dog is house trained now,” said Joe. “Only problem is my house is filled top to bottom with steaks. Thousands and thousands of steaks. What the hell am I supposed to do with all that meat?”
“Do the same thing I did,” said the shopkeeper. “Open a business. My dog wanted more treats than he could ever possibly eat. And it turns out my cat wanted me to go fuck myself.”
Covid restrictions...
I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.
They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.
I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.
Thứ Sáu, 16 tháng 4, 2021
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.
Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.
"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.
And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.
"Oh, Pierre, mon dieu, that was so arousing and erotic, but tell me, why before you kissed me, did you pour red wine on my lip?"
"I am Pierre, zee French fighter pilot, and when i taste the red meat, i have the red wine."
"Oh Pierre, that is so romantic, kiss me again, but lower this time!" and so he carefully unbuttons her blouse and lowers his head. But before he begins, he pours a little bit of white wine on her breast, and then, ravagement.
"Oh, Pierre, Pierre", she squealed, "again, so erotic, so arousing, so magnifique! but tell me, why this time, at my breast, the white wine?"
"I am Pierre, zee French fighter pilot, and when I have the white meat, I pair it with the white wine."
"Oh Pierre, Pierre, so romantic, so sensual, kiss me lower, kiss me lower!"
And so he gets down on his knne and lifts her bustle, pushing aside her bloomers and lowers his head. Just before he engages, however, he pours a little bit of cognac onto her pubic hair and sets it alight.
"PIERRE, PIERRE, WHY HAVE YOU DOWN THIS?" she cried, batting out the flames.
"I am Pierre, zee french fighter pilot, and when i go down, i go down in flames."
Edit: I'm an old duffer that does not know how to format properly.
There are 500 bricks on an airplane, one falls off
(Here's my favorite joke, cause it's cake day!)
There are 500 bricks on an airplane, one falls off. How many are left?
499.
Why do you never see an elephant hiding in a tree?
Because they're really good at it.
Why are the bottom of elephants' feet yellow?
So they're invisible when the flip upside down in a bowl of custard.
Why did the elephant paint it's nails red?
So it could hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.
What is the rumbling noise deep in the jungle?
Elephants falling out of trees.
Why did the first elephant fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It got hit by the first elephant.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out forest fires
Why do elephants have big flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.
Why did the duck die?
Because three elephants fell out of a tree and landed on top of it.
What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put elephant in, and close fridge.
What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, and close fridge.
The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which one?
The giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
All of the alligators are at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
Two nuns are riding bicycles through the Vatikan and they decide to take a shortcut down a cobblestone street.
The first nun says to the second, "I've never come this way before" The second nun replies, "Nor have I. It must be the cobblestones."
It's cake day so here's one of my favourites.
A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize
it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest.Men and women always dance separately."
''So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex?
Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing!"
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
A man with no arms and no legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life
3 beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks "Have you ever been hugged before?"
"No" says the man. So she hugs him and walks on.
The 2nd woman also taking pity on the man, walks up and asks "Have you ever been kissed before?"
"No" the man replies sorrowfully. So she kisses him and walks on.
The 3rd woman also walks up to the man and asks him "Have you ever been fucked before?"
"No..." says the man now with a tear in his eye.
"Well thats what youre gonna be when the tide comes in"
Husband: My doctor said I could masturbate anytime I want.
Wife: No, he said your blood pressure is incredibly high, and you could have a stroke at any moment.
Thứ Năm, 15 tháng 4, 2021
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
repost
All credits to whoever came up with this joke. I hope you are doing fine. It make me laugh every once in a while.
The Dead Milk Cow
On a small farm out in the country lived a farmer with his wife, his three sons, and his milk cow. No matter how hard he tried, the farmer could not get a single thing to grow on his land. Because of this, the only money the farmer could make was by selling the milk from the milk cow. Every day the farmer would wake up, verify that no crops had sprouted, milk the cow, take the milk into town to sell, buy necessities, and return just in time to help his wife finish cooking breakfast.
One morning, the farmer woke up, verified no crops had grown and went to milk the milk cow. To the farmer's horror, he found the milk cow lying on the ground, dead. The farmer's heart sank. He had less than a dollar to his name and would not be able to buy the necessities for his family. As the farmer knelt down next to the deceased milk cow, the farmer's sadness became too much for him to handle. The farmer grabbed an old pistol he had stored from his time in the military, walked down to the riverbed where a large oak tree grew, sat against it and took his own life.
The sun rose over the horizon to send its rays through the top window of the farmhouse where the farmer's wife was just waking up. She made her way downstairs to find that her husband had not yet returned from his daily trip into town. She walked outside to see that no crops had yet grown and went to check on the milk cow. To her horror, she found the milk cow laying dead on the ground. She immediately felt concern rush over her as she knew the fragile state her husband was in. She began to call the farmer's name while searching the grounds of the farm. It wasn't long before she noticed the lifeless body of the farmer near the tree by the riverbed. The sight of her one true love laying dead on the ground became too much for her to handle. She slumped down into his lifeless arms, took hold of the gun, and took her own life.
The second shot was enough to wake up the eldest son, 17 years of age. The eldest left his room to find that no breakfast was being cooked by his mother. He went outside to see that no crops were growing and that the milk cow was laying on the ground, dead. In a panic, he began running around the farm and out of the corner of his eye, saw his mother laying down by the tree growing along the riverbed. As he got closer, he noticed a bright red stain slowly growing on his mother's white nightgown. It wasn't until he was just 10 feet away that the truth of the matter hit him and he saw both of his parents dead on the ground.
Before the eldest brother could even form a thought of what to do, a leprechaun materialized in a puff of smoke next to the oak tree. "Seems like you're having a rough day", announced the leprechaun. "I'd say so!", proclaimed the eldest son, "My mother and father are dead, and so is the milk cow! I have no idea how I'm going to take care of my brothers!". The leprechaun continued, "Yeah, that is rough, but how about a deal? You make love to me for 30 minutes without stopping, I'll bring everybody back to life, including the milk cow". Before the eldest son could reply, the leprechaun exclaimed "But! If you cannot, I will kill you dead!". The eldest son thought to himself for a moment and figured the risk was worth bringing his parents back to life. Unfortunately, the stress and pressure of the whole event caused anxiety and the son was unable to perform. With a snap of the leprechaun's fingers, he died.
The next to wake up was the middle son. He walked down stairs and was confused to not find his breakfast ready. He went outside to see that no crops were growing and that the milk cow was laying on the ground, dead. In a panic, he began running around the farm and out of the corner of his eye, saw his mother laying down by the tree growing along the riverbed. As he got closer, he noticed that not only was his mother stained with blood, but his father and older brother both lay there dead as well.
Before the middle son could even form a thought of what to do, a leprechaun materialized in a puff of smoke next to the oak tree. "Seems like you're having a rough day", announced the leprechaun. "I'd say so!", proclaimed the middle son, "My mother, father and brother are dead, and so is the milk cow! I have no idea how I'm going to take care of my brother!". The leprechaun continued, "Yeah, that is rough, but how about a deal? You make love to me for 30 minutes without stopping, I'll bring everybody back to life, including the milk cow". Before the middle son could reply, the leprechaun exclaimed "But! If you cannot, I will kill you dead!". The middle son thought to himself for a moment and figured the risk was worth bringing his parents and brother back to life. Unfortunately, while he did last a bit longer, the stress and pressure of the whole event caused anxiety and the son was unable to perform. With a snap of the leprechaun's fingers, he died.
Finally, the youngest son awoke. He rushed to the kitchen just to be surprised by a lack of food. He went outside to see that no crops were growing and that the milk cow was laying on the ground, dead. In a panic, he began running around the farm and out of the corner of his eye, saw his mother laying down by the tree growing along the riverbed. As he got closer, he noticed that not only was his mother stained with blood, but his father and older brothers all lay there dead as well.
Before the youngest son could even form a thought of what to do, a leprechaun materialized in a puff of smoke next to the oak tree. "Seems like you're having a rough day", announced the leprechaun. "I'd say so!", proclaimed the boy, "My mother, father and brothers are dead, and so is the milk cow! I have no idea how I'm going to take care of myself!". The leprechaun continued, "Yeah, that is rough, but how about a deal? You make love to me for 30 minutes without stopping, I'll bring everybody back to life, including the milk cow". Before the boy could reply, the leprechaun exclaimed "But! If you cannot, I will kill you dead!". The boy thought for a moment and then asked, "What if I can make love to you for an hour without stopping?" The leprechaun began to roar with laughter. How could this boy make it an hour when his elders could not even manage half of that? Eventually, the leprechaun got ahold of themselves and replied, still laughing, "If you can make love to me for an hour without stopping, I'll bring everybody back to life, including the milk cow, and I'll give you my pot of gold". The boy thought for a moment and then asked, "What if I can make love to you for two hours without stopping?" The leprechaun did not find this quite as funny as this line of questioning was becoming annoying. Nevertheless, the leprechaun responded, "If you can actually make love to me for two hours without stopping, I'll bring everybody back to life, including the milk cow, give you my pot of gold, and cast a spell on your land to grow luscious crops for the rest of your lives!" The boy thought for a moment longer and then replied, "Okay. That sounds good. But aren't you a little worried? If I make love to you for two hours without stopping, that might kill you! I'm pretty sure that's what killed the milk cow".
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