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Thứ Năm, 31 tháng 5, 2018

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One... Or two?

My wife and I decided to not have kids

the kids took it pretty hard

I was going to post a time travel joke

But you guys didn't like it.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is...

Scaring men is easy.

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

Why was 10 scared?

He was in the middle of 9-11

A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.

"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.

"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do, but could you please explain what exactly happened during your suicide attempt and what stopped you?" the therapist asks.

"Well I drove up to this cliff with the door locked and sat for 'bout a minute contemplating whether to just drive off and end it all. Luckily there were a dozen people who really didn't want me to give up just yet, and caused me not to." said Greg.

"Sound like extraordinary people, who exactly were they?" the therapist responds.

"The people in the back of the bus." Greg answers.

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"

Thứ Tư, 30 tháng 5, 2018

A guy ring’s his new girlfriend’s doorbell

She sees him holding a very nice bouquet of flowers and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says “This is for the flowers!”

“Don’t be silly” says her boyfriend, “you must have a vase somewhere!”

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

A duck walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'

The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.

'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in shock but lets him continue uninterrupted. The duck eats his food, pays and leaves.

All week the duck comes in and orders the same pint and a pork pie. The barman is amazed, but can't bring himself to interrupt the duck during his meal.

Saturday rolls by and the duck doesn't come in - obviously not working at the building site on the weekend. However, the circus is in town and in walks the circus ringmaster for a pint.

The barman says to the ringmaster 'you won't believe what I've seen this week, a talking duck!'

'Wow! That's incredible' says the ringmaster.

'Yeah, he walks in every lunchtime for a pork pie and a pint - it's amazing'

'That is amazing' agrees the ringmaster. He hands the barman his card and says 'tell him to get in touch with me, I could have some work for a talking duck!'

So Monday rolls round as as expected, in walks the duck - who orders his pork pie and a pint as usual.

The barman sheepishly picks up the card and says 'sorry to disturb you, but a circus ringmaster walked in the other day and I mentioned you've been in all last week. He told me to give you this, he might have some work for you.'

The duck looks confused and studies the card perplexed.

'So, the circus?' says the duck.

'Yeah, he came in on Saturday' says the barman.

'Where they all live in tents, with a big top and it's all made of canvas?'

'Yeah, that's right'

'Where all the humans walk free, and the animals live in cages?'

'I guess so... yeah'

The duck studies the card intently and pulls a face.

'What do they want a plasterer for?'

A Jewish man and a Chinese man strike up a conversation...

Before long they're arguing...

Jewish man: "You know what? I hate you."

Chinese man: "For what?"

Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!"

Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"

Jewish man: "eh, Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?"

Chinese man: "Well, you kow what? I hate you."

Jewish man: "For what?!?"

Chinese man: "The Titanic!"

Jewish man: "An iceberg sunk the Tatanic!"

Chinese man: "eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

A blonde was driving on the way to disneyland.

She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home.

Had sex with my girlfriend a few days ago.[NSWF]

She told me to turn the light off and stick it in her butt.

I guess I should've waited for the bulb to cool down first.

I went to donate blood today, but they asked too many questions...

Like, "who's blood is this" and "where did you get it?"

Don't think your husband is cheating on you!! It's not a good...

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: "excuse me my dear, my stomach aches", and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got top of her...

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?"

And then switched on the light...

"No madam", said the gardener.

If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will be.

No need to remind her about it every 15 minutes

Thứ Ba, 29 tháng 5, 2018

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.

It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

I remember when my mum would tuck me in.

She really wanted a daughter.

I may be schizophrenic...

...but at least i have each other.

The tale of Yuri. (Preemptive apologies).

Yuri had lived in Russia all of his life, in a small town near Moscow. The town had horrible weather conditions almost all of the time and very few people lived there. Everyone living in the town was struggling to survive in such poor conditions. Yuri had lived alone in a small house in this town. He worked every day at a factory that was close to this town. It was hard work, and Yuri was never very happy with his work, but he kept enduring the rough conditions to be able to have an income. Yuri's life had been like this for several years, and he had endured many hardships during these times.

Every day, while Yuri was taking his walk to the factory before work began, he always passed by a large billboard on the side of the road. The billboard changed every month or so, usually showing an irrelevant advertisement for something that Yuri had little interest in. Today, however, Yuri noticed a new advertisement on the billboard. It read, "SWIMMING LESSONS" in large letters, accompanied by a picture of a large man swimming through the water. This ad had given Yuri something to be interested in. He had always had an intense passion for swimming, but it was always too difficult to practice in the frigid waters of the lake near his home. Yuri continued to read the ad before he finally came to the price: 5000 Rubles base fee.

Yuri was sad, because this was much more than Yuri could afford to spend. However, he thought to himself, "If I could save up enough money from the factory work, then by the end of the month, I should have enough..." After this, he decided that day that he would work as hard as he could to make sure he had enough money by the end of the month. He even had to cut back his food supply by just a small amount to still have enough money. Finally, at the end of the month, Yuri finally had enough money to be able to go to the swimming pool not far from his home where the practices were being held.

Every day after his hard work at the factory, he greatly enjoyed going back to the pool and practicing his swimming. He had started quickly and advanced rapidly. Everyone who frequented the pool to practice their swimming was impressed by Yuri's natural ability to be able to learn and adapt so quickly, becoming very popular with the people at the pool, his hometown, and even in Moscow. It was truly a passion of Yuri's.

A few months had passed, and Yuri's amazing swimming abilities had been noticed by people in places all across Russia, considering a swimming prodigy. Yuri was always modest about his skills, but was humble nonetheless. However, he still had to continue his work at the factory, and live in the same small house he had lived in since he was born. For him, swimming was the one thing that saved him from the cruel and harsh life he lived.

Later that month, on his way to the factory once again, he had noticed that the billboard he so often passed had changed once again. While it was difficult to read in the unrelenting snowstorm, he managed to make out the words "DIVING PRACTICES" in big letters. Diving was something that Yuri had also found to be interesting, but could never find the time nor place to practice properly. The pool he went to had no diving boards or excessively deep sections of the pool, so it was hard for Yuri to practice diving. However, this would give him another opportunity to pursue what he wanted to do. He looked down at the bottom of the billboard and saw something that, like the other ad, made his heart drop. The base fee was 7500 Rubles. Yuri knew that it would take another month or two of hard work at the factory to be able to achieve such a high sum of money. The factory was beginning to offer less and less money to Yuri, making life harder on him than it was before. He had to cut back his food money as well to accommodate for this. However, Yuri overcame the hardships in his life and save up just enough money by the end of two months.

The practices were held at another pool not far from the one he already went to, so it was easy for him to practice both swimming and diving at once. He continued to master his swimming skills while also learning how to practice diving. Much like with swimming, however, he had picked up skills quickly, and it only took him another few months before he had mastered diving.

Many people had heard of Yuri at this point. Several news stories across Russia were focused around Yuri, who was considered to be the best swimmer and diver in the whole country. He continued to remain incredibly modest through all of his interviews. "It is only something I am fond of, a hobby" Yuri would say. "I still have a life in the factory that I must attend to every day. It is a hard life, so swimming and diving are what I use to keep myself healthy." Despite his fame and popularity, Yuri did continue to work at the factory day in and day out, receiving little pay and little food for all of his hard work. Despite all of Yuri's hardships, he continued his daily routine of working, swimming, and diving.

For yet another time, Yuri was on his way to the factory. The billboard had changed once again. Yuri anticipated something exciting on the billboard, and he was not disappointed at what he saw. "TRAVEL TO AMERICA TODAY!" read the ad. Yuri was very interested. He had always heard of America, and had heard nothing but positive things about it. The land of the free! It was a very exciting idea to Yuri. However, he knew that with ads like these, he knew they would come at a steep price. Unfortunately, he thought correctly. The boats that traveled to America were advertised as costing 60,000 Rubles.

Yuri knew that that kind of sum would come from only another year or so of hard work at the factory. The factory work had become increasingly more difficult every single day, with little pay, food, and free time. However, he endured the next year the same way he endured the previous years: with swimming and diving. It truly was his passion, and Yuri was not sure on how he would have survived without them.

Finally, the year had passed, and Yuri had finally saved up enough Rubles to be able to ride the boat to America. He climbed aboard the boat with all of his possessions with him, all managing to fit in one small suitcase. The boat was somewhat small in size, being able to house only around 20 or so people. The boat set sail across the cold waters of the ocean. About a day had passed when people had finally recognized Yuri, the famed Russian swimmer and diver. They were all very excited to meet Yuri, and had several questions to ask him about his swimming skills. "It is nothing much, just a passion of mine, that is all. It is something I use to endure the hardships and trials of my life..." Yuri would always respond to his fans.

One day the boat had to make a stop at a small island to fill up the boat's gas supply, for they had much less than they had expected to have. It was a nice, sunny day outside, and the water was said to be very warm. One of the passengers asked Yuri to show off some of his diving techniques to his fans, since they had time to kill before the boat would depart again. "Hey, Yuri! While we wait, could you show us some of your diving skills? I would LOVE to see them!" Yuri was hesitant at first. Another passenger asked, "And maybe once you have done that, could you show us your swimming techniques? The water is warm, and it would make my day to see them!" Yuri replied, "Well... ok, if you all insist I do it."

Yuri looked off the side of the boat. On the bottom of the boat, a balcony extended from the bottom. Yuri feared he might hit the balcony on his dive down, but everyone else assured Yuri that he wouldn't hit it in a million years. Yuri stepped up over the railing, onto the side of the boat. With the same skill that he had used so many times before, he demonstrated his graceful diving skills by performing his favorite dive he knew. His fans watched in amazement as his body twirled through the air beautifully, showing the same amount of skill he put into each of his other dives. As he dove down towards the war waters below, people watched and expected for Yuri to land smoothly in the water.

Unfortunately, Yuri never landed in the water. He landed instead on the solid, hard deck of the boat's balcony below. The impact sounded painful, and all of the spectators winced on pain over his fall. Yuri remained motionless for several seconds, and his fans began to worry. Many people were about to call for medics when Yuri managed to get up slowly. "Are you alright Yuri? That fall looked hard! That must have broken some bones!" Yuri, however, had barely an injury. As he had gotten up, he simply regained his sense of direction. This had amazed several people, as that kind of a fall would have surely broken any other person's bones, if not killed them. Instead, Yuri simply stood up with barely a scratch, and waved back at the row of spectators.

"It is OK, everybody" Yuri yelled back. "I have endured many hardships in my life."

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.

One says, "Does this taste funny?".

The other says, "No".

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?

He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!"

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a insomniac, and a dyslexic?

A person who stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Dave accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Frank's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Dave upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Dave went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Frank's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Dave admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500. 'After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Dave confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Frank worked Friday afternoons and Dave didn't, Dave should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Dave showed up at Frank's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Dave quickly dressed and left. As usual, Frank came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Dave come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Frank, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Thứ Hai, 28 tháng 5, 2018

"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...

God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Yo mama so fat

Thanos had to snap twice.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Hey, Terry

A woman walks into the Ipswich Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?

"Yeah they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that

question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll

need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Terry."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Terry, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the

oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL

named Terri?"

Their Mother replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get

them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time

for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell

"Terry" and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'

them all Terry."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead

and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not

the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names!"

Look into my eyes: one woman’s journey from coma to consciousness


Look into my eyes: one woman’s journey from coma to consciousness
After a deadly bacterial infection, Rikke Schmidt Kjærgaard woke to find herself locked in her own body, with only one way to communicate — blinking: one for no, two for yes.

May 28, 2018 at 06:38PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2L1fj7q

I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...

I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet.

I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises

That woman blows my mind

Viagra was banned in China by the government.

They don’t want to admit they have election problems.

(Bad but OC)

As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die

Really lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

If I have a bee in my hand, what is in my eyes?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eyes of the bee-holder

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

A hockey player will shower after three periods.

It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Chủ Nhật, 27 tháng 5, 2018

I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room...

...they hired me.

Dad’s first drink with his son

I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest.He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so bloody drunk I could hardly push his pram back home.

What one food reduces a woman's sex drive by 90%?

Wedding cake.

Why is Communism one of the most ironic words?

It's Capitalized

I was delighted when my wife suggested we bring a third person into our relationship...

"Your friend Katie perhaps?" I mused. "I've always had a bit of a thing for her."

She replied, "No, you prick!! I meant a baby."

Why don’t blind people skydive?

‘Cause it scares the hell out of their dogs.

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

Substitute Priest

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What did you do?".

The woman says, "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional.

He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once.”

Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.”

I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins...

They've been breaking camels' backs for years.

A wife yells at her husband...

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The fucking autopsy."

I had a threesome last night.

There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

Why is the British weather like Islam?

Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

Thứ Bảy, 26 tháng 5, 2018

saw my wife lying at the bottom of the stairs I thought to myself,

“She was right, I am pushy"

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

A male and female statue stare at each other for hundreds of years.

One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and giggled. The male statue said "Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and I'll shit on it."

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

Yesterday I froze myself to -273.15°

And you know what?

I was 0K :)

Thứ Sáu, 25 tháng 5, 2018

Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

Officer: I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck

Man: Yeah, but she's got a great personality

One day I'll pretend to be gay.

I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected ...

BAAM ! ! !

I'll fuck their boyfriends

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?" she replied.

"No, the regular kind."

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint...

when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.

The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"

The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink.

The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."

The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"

I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

Bob has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day, he confessed to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer....

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bob vows to overcome his rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bob returns home, absolutely ashen. “What’s wrong, Bob?” His wife asks..

“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

His wife gasps, “My God Bob, what happened?”

“I got fired”, he says.

“No Bob, I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, um....she got fired too”.

Thứ Năm, 24 tháng 5, 2018

I was asked, “Tits man or ass man?”

I really wish I had gotten there earlier when they were giving out super hero names...

An old one, but I've never seen it on this sub...

A man is brought before an American court on charges that he killed and ate a bald eagle. "This is a serious crime," says the judge. "What do you have to say in your defense?"

"Your honor, please!" the man begs, "Have some mercy on me. I was trapped in the wilderness for days. I stumbled upon one of these birds that had fallen out of its nest and broken its wing. The eagle was going to die anyways, and I needed to save my own life. I killed it quickly, to put it out of its misery and got enough strength from the meat to stay alive until I was rescued. This was a life-or-death situation for me -- what else could I have done?"

After solemnly considering the situation, the judge responds, "Given the circumstances, I think we can pardon you for this offence. However, just out of personal curiosity, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

"Well, it's kind of like a cross between California condor and komodo dragon."

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!

My wife has been working out a lot lately.

For example, today she worked out I've been fucking her sister.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive..

Try missing a couple of payments.

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer used a crowbar to beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

I asked my boss if I could have time off work because I was having a baby

When I came back the boss asked “So was it a boy or a girl?”

I said “I don’t know, I’ll tell you in 9 months”

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Thứ Tư, 23 tháng 5, 2018

A rich manager went to a whorehouse, plunked down a $100, and said "I'll have the worst blowjob in the joint"

The manager was stuck in a tiny town out in the middle of nowhere, waiting for materials to arrive. One week stretched to two, and by the end of the third week he couldn’t take it anymore.

He went into the local whorehouse, plunked down a hundred dollars, and requested the worst blow job in the joint. Pocketing the cash, the madam said, “Sir, for a hundred dollars, you don’t have to settle for the worst. Why, it’ll buy you the very best we have to offer.”

“Let me set you straight,” explained the fellow. “I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”

What do you call a Soviet Sniper?

A Marxman

I spent a few hours by my wife's grave today.

She thinks I'm digging a pond.

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

The Best Whore House In Texas [NSFW][long]

A recently paid man decides he wants to have a fun night on the town. As he walks through backstreets he stumbles into a stunning brothel with the most gorgeous women he had ever seen.

"Please come in and make yourself at home." said the madam at the front desk.

"It just so happens that I got paid today and I want your deluxe treatment." boasts the man.

"Well you're in luck. We're running a special this week. I have just the thing." said the madam

They walk into a huge room with silk sheets, chilled champagne, and a big mirror on the ceiling. He settles into bed and the most beautiful woman he has ever seen walks in. And they go at it all night.

The next week the man returns. He stumbles through the door looking a little worse for wear.

"Listen, my wife found out what I did in here. She kicked me out of the house. She won't let me see the kids. And she canceled all my credit cards. But I had such an amazing time in here I have $10 to my name but I have to know if there is anything I can get for it."

"Well I don't know sir we're kinda a high end place, but let me go check." says the madam. A couple minutes later she returns. "sir it's your lucky day we're actually are running a special this week. I have just the thing."

They go to a smaller room and the only things in there are a table, a mirror on the wall, and a chicken sitting on the table.

The woman gestures to the chicken "for 10 dollars this is whatcha get."

The man thinks on it for a second and says fuck it and goes wild on the chicken.

The next week the man returns. He busts through the door looking worse than ever.

"I'm broke, I have nothing except 2 dollars. My life is falling apart but I have such an amazing time these last two weeks I have to know what I can get for it." the man pleads.

"Well sir it's your lucky day we're running a special this week and I have just the thing"

They go off to a room with a couple rows of chairs and a window peering into another room. The woman gestures for the man to sit down. More chairs fill up and then a couple minutes later two absolutely stunning women walk in the other room and just start going at it. A few minutes into the show the man nudges his neighbor and says "Hell man for 2 dollars this is a hell of a show!"

The man looks back to him and replys, "Shit dude this is nothing. You should have been here last week there was a guy in there fucking a chicken."

9/10 redditors are fucking morons

I'm glad to be the 1%

Thứ Ba, 22 tháng 5, 2018

Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?

It's illegal to drink and derive.

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

What do a woman and a grenade have in common?

Pull off the ring and the house is gone.

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex...

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Dad washes his car with his son

Son: Can't you just use a sponge?

This is your captain speaking

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING

[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"

She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"

I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

What is the fear of giants called?

Feefiphobia

I understand how batteries feel

because I'm rarely ever included in things either

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's going to take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick

Thứ Hai, 21 tháng 5, 2018

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this…

‘Looking for man with these qualifications; won’t beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.’ The next day her door bell rings, looking down on her doorstep was a man with no arms and legs. He says “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.” She says, “What makes you think you are so great in bed?”

He smiles and says “how do you think I rang your fucking door bell?”

Dad puts the car in reverse, looks in the rearview mirror and says...

"Ah, that takes me back."

So the Pope is very early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

What are a kidnappers favorite type of shoes?

White Vans.

A married couple is lying in bed one night....

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes"?

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay".

The husband says, "No, not at all".

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then"?

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

The Opioid Crisis Is Not Just An American Epidemic


The Opioid Crisis Is Not Just An American Epidemic
Nigeria is facing catastrophic levels of opioid addiction — and no one seems to know how to stop it.

May 21, 2018 at 06:34PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2rWdL7G

My wife told me to go an get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

SMS

I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."

Chủ Nhật, 20 tháng 5, 2018

Hear that Bruce Lee had a vegetarian son?

Brock Lee.

A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend...

at her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

An old blind man walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls silent. In a deep husky voice the woman next to him says, "before you tell that joke, i think it's only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  3. I'm a 6 foot tall 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
  4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight lifter.
  5. The lady to your right is a blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if i'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdained, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”

“Yeah.” the chicken replies.

Again, he points to the sign: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”

The bartender pointed out the window and said “There’s another bar across the road.”

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off". The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?". To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!".

Fight Club was awesome!

Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!

I can cut wood just by looking at it.

It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.

Don't ever underestimate a Scottish police officer?

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Scottish cop.

 

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON, and is certain that he has a better education than any Scottish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Scottish cop's expense! 

 

Scottish cop says, "License and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

 

Scottish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

 

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

 

Scottish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.  License and registration, please."

 

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

 

Scottish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!" 

 

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

 

Scottish cop says, "Sounds fair.  Exit your vehicle, sir."

 

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

 

The Scottish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?"

Thứ Bảy, 19 tháng 5, 2018

One day a midget is walking along feeling a bit parched, when what do ya know, he sees a bar, just for midgets!

"What luck", he thinks, and strolls in.

Inside there are miniature versions of everything! Little chairs with tiny tables, half size doors leading to miniature toilets, a tiny pool table with tiny pool cues, the place has everything, apart from customers... Its completely dead.

Sitting solitary at a table looking rather glum is the bartender. The midget approaches him and asks," Why is it so empty in here, this place is amazing!"

"Well, we've been open for months now and all my customers just come in and leave without ordering any drinks", explains the bartender, "I've got to be honest, I had higher expectations for this place!"

The bartender offers the midget a drink, then goes behind the counter and starts pouring him a pint.

"Um... I think I'm starting to understand why you don't have any customers", shouts the midget, looking up at the enormous counter towering above him, "you've set the bar way too high".

Two deer walk out of a gay bar

One looks at the other and says, “man, I blew like, twenty bucks in there!”

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend

Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

I broke my finger today...

But on the other hand I am completely fine.

I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty". To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

Thứ Sáu, 18 tháng 5, 2018

It really probably isn’t safe for me to be driving my car right now,

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

I woke up to a blowjob this morning.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the subway with my mouth open

If I had a dollar for every time I got anal

I'd have enough money to bail my ass out of prison.

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flatlines and is obviously dead. The Dr rushes in and asks the husband what happened, he looks at the doctor and says “I don’t know, maybe she choked.”

I have so many jokes about unemployed people...

...but none of them work

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smoking his pipe. As Watson enters, he says, "I expected you back 10 minutes ago, but close enough. I've left some dinner on the table for you, it should still be warm".

"But... but... how did you know I'd be back so soon?" Replies Watson.

"When you left, I pondered for a moment at why Ella, someone so youthful and attractive, would want to date an older man of your prestige", explains Sherlock, "I assessed the note that Ella posted earlier this evening. It was in fact addressed to 212b, not 221b Baker Street".

"That's Terry Farnell's address". Say's Watson.

"I'm afraid so", replies Sherlock, "Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson".

A termite walks into a pub

and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

My freind David was the victim of ID theft

Now we call him Dav

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

Thứ Năm, 17 tháng 5, 2018

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it’s nearly finished.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie...” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus!" exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

A girl goes to a Church to confess.....

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest : "What have you done my child?"

Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl : "Because he touched my hand."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl : "Then he touched my breast."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

(after a few minutes)

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"

Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces."

"Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill.

"No, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?" he asks.

Saint Peter replies, "The Titanic only crashed once."

What do tofu and dildos have in common?

They are both meat substitutes

I was pissing against a wall when I remembered an old Indian saying

“Hey, asshole, if I catch you pissing on my wall again I’m gonna kick your ass.”

My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he's much older than me, he has healthier teeth.

I said it must be because he has the better dentist.

Which is more important to women, length or girth?

Turns out it's consent.

I saw two guys wearing the same outfit and asked them if they were gay?

They arrested me.

Happy stories from a remote village

A journalist goes to a poor remote village for a documentary.

He saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began: "One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"

The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.

The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!"

The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"

The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began:

“One day I got lost in the mountains.....”

Thứ Tư, 16 tháng 5, 2018

Hey baby, are you a GPU?

Cause I wanna make you mine.

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

An husband comes home to his wife of 20 years

Husband: Darling, I’m home and I brought you some aspirins.

Wife: But I don’t have a headache.

Husband: Then let’s fuck.

My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"

I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe sex.
When I finished she looked at me shocked and confused:
"So... which box should I check on this form? Male or Female?"

Scientists discovered that unvaccinated kids are less likely to be autistic.

Because they are more likely to be dead.

What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman. They always lie about their weight.

Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me :)

Most adults have a dark secret...

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother, he says , “I know the whole truth”.

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father”.

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to come home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth”.

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother”.

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next morning when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, smiles and says :

“Really!? Then come give your real Daddy a big hug!”

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who ate his wife?

Nothing, he's gladiator.

"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"

Thứ Ba, 15 tháng 5, 2018

Today i learned

TIL that dyslexia is the same forward and backwards

I'm turning 50 tomorrow and my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers, so I did...

She's 22 and her name is Candy...

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

Daughter: God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

Dad: why did you say that?

Daughter: I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtime, the daughter says: God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.

Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.

The Dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents).

Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime: God bless mommy....(she turns her head and looks straight at him) and goodbye daddy.

Dad: What!? are you sure honey?

She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.

The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable.

He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.

His wife is up and waiting for him: Where the hell were you today??!

He replies: Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day.

His wife then says: You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name

He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love," inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.

Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground. "What happened?" She asked, running to him.

He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

Tell a man a joke and he'll laugh for a day.

Tell a redditor a joke and he'll repost it for a lifetime

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it’s there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

Two Jewish guys

are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"

What's the difference in a peeping tom and a pickpocket?

One snatches watches....

Classic Joke for your taste

The first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, but a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong."

Thứ Hai, 14 tháng 5, 2018

Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been raped twice...

I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.

An American spy goes to russia...

In Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in...

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia's customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.

The big day finally came, and he was parachuted to the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.

"Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?", he asked the conductor in authentic Russian.

"5 Rubles, Comrade American", came the reply.

Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-ass. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar.

"It's just around the block, Comrade American."

Keats' doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vodka.

"Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?", the bartender asked.

Keats threw a fit. "What's the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?"

"Well Comrade, it's because you're black."

My doctor advised me to stay away from trans fats.

I guess I should really get off Tumblr

The “normal science” of Stephen Hawking’s final paper


The “normal science” of Stephen Hawking’s final paper
The acclaimed astrophysicist's final contribution to his field might not be a breakthrough, but then again, it's not supposed to be.

May 14, 2018 at 06:51PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2IEip3S

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

I've started using Viagra to treat my sunburn.

It doesn't do anything for the burns, but it does a good job of keeping the sheets of my legs.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Get in the car

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

Now that's a lot of information to swallow.

There would be less pollution in the world if everyone joined reddit.

We've been teaching people how to recycle the same material for years.

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

your son

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…

Love,

Mom.

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

Chủ Nhật, 13 tháng 5, 2018

Dad, I’m getting married!

Dad: Say sorry. Son: Why? Dad: Just say sorry. Son: I haven’t done anything wrong! Dad: Say sorry. Son: Okay, okay! I’m sorry! Dad: You’re ready.

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting!"

I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer."

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....

He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The police cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom. Happy Mothers' Day!

What do gun owners and vegans have in common?

They're both in your face about how they're not murderers.

A woman in a hot...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!

2+2+2=7

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven, sir.

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

Johnny: I have pet cat already.

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up...

Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.

”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

The old lady was delighted.

She left the doctor’s office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned.

She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

”How did it go?” the doctor asked.

”Terrible, doctor, terrible.”

”Did it not work?”

”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.”

”Then what is the problem, ma’am?”

”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.

Thứ Bảy, 12 tháng 5, 2018

A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"

You order one pizza

You love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

(My Dad told me this one) So two eight-year-olds wake up one morning, deciding they're old enough to cuss...

So their mama calls them down for breakfast, and asks, "Little Johnny, what do you want for breakfast?"

And Little Johnny says: "Alright, bitch, I'm thinking I want a motherfucking biscuit!" And mama backhands Little Johnny hard as she could, knocking him to the floor. She kneels down and looks at Little Jimmy, asking: "And just what do you want for breakfast, Jimmy?"

And Jimmy says: "Well, I sure as fuck don't want no God-damn biscuit!"

I lent my umbrella to a hot girl yesterday.

That takes the number of girls i've made wet this year to -1

How do you know that a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

My dad told me I was listening to way too much Korean Music.

I told him, "K pop"

My wife said, "Are you ashamed to walk with me?"

I said, "Why are you shouting?"

She said, "Because you're on the other fucking side of the road."

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore...

...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Thứ Sáu, 11 tháng 5, 2018

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".

"No, not at all", she replies.

The man stands and clears his throat.

“Bargain", he says, and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

She texted me: "Your adorable."

I replied: "No. You're adorable."

Now she likes me. All I did was correct her typo.

A man and a woman were dating. NSFW

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game.. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 70 off came the pants. At 75 it was her bra and At 80 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time...and traveling faster than he ever had before...he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree! His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replied, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

Did you know that if you play Despacito backward you can hear the devil?

But what's even worse is that if you play it forwards you can hear Despacito

Thứ Năm, 10 tháng 5, 2018

Touched by Jesus

Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.

There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge.

One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you." And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the prince's ball?

Gag

Jesus is hanging on the cross. Paul is nearby. Jesus calls to Paul

"Paul, come to me please." Paul rushes forward and is immediately beaten back by Roman soldiers. They beat him senseless and leave him in a heap on the side of the road.

Paul awakens to hear Jesus calling again, "Paul, come to me. I need you.". Paul rushes the soldiers and is badly beaten again, 2 broken ribs and 3 broken fingers this time. He is thrown in a heap on the side of the road.

A few minutes later Paul hears Jesus again. "Paul, please. I need to tell you...". Paul rushes forward and meets the soldiers again, he fights a savage fight and is beaten and bloody but this time makes it to the foot of the cross where Jesus is hanging.

"Jesus, I am here! What do you need to tell me?", Paul cries to his saviour. Jesus looks down upon him and says "I can totally see your house from here!"

I think my wife might be dead...

...my sex life is the same but the dishes are piling up.

If I don’t perfect Human Cloning...

...I won’t be able to live with myself

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

I'll be home in 20 minutes.

Thứ Tư, 9 tháng 5, 2018

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, I went again for another fill-up. Again i asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave me the same story, and asked me to guess the correct number. I guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As i was driving away, I couldn’t shrug myself off from this nagging thought

‘Maybe that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

But I convinced myself..

‘It can’t be rigged.. My wife won twice last week !'

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Pitbull coming from a childrens playground

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp.

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

Letter to God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. 

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: 

Dear God, 

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. 

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? 

Sincerely, Edna 

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. 

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. 

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.  It read:

Dear God, 

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. 

P.S. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna.

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad: peels the first strip of the banana peel... "One skin" Peels the second strip... "Two skin" "Three skin" "Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"

I was twelve and I finally figured it out....

Thứ Ba, 8 tháng 5, 2018

What is the difference between a hippie girl and a muslim girl?

The hippie girl gets stoned before sex.

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.

My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

Women are like tornadoes

They arrive hot and wet

They leave with the house and half of the furnitures

My mate rang me and asked,

My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battlefield

Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears...

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me.

The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

Just invented a new drink. Vodka, cranberry juice, lime, and rohypnol.

Its called the Cosbypolitan

The Beer Festival

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." The bartender hands it over.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" The Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and poof he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. Poof He's gone in a split second. He returns, mouth covered in blood and says, "see that town over there? I have sucked the townspeople's blood down to the last drop".

The last vampire also wants to show off his skill. Poof he's gone at the speed of light. He comes back, his entire face covered in blood. The first to vampires are in awe! The last vampire says, "see that lamp post over there?" The first two vampires eagerly nod, impatient to hear of his feat. The last vampire continues, "well fuck, I sure didn't see it."

A guy is late for an important meeting.

But he can't find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray. "Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!" A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance. "Never mind. Found one!"

My wife keeps using the old ‘men can’t multitask’ stereotype..

So i said “that’s a lie.. I can make love to you AND think of your sister at the same time”

The First Lady was touring a hospital one day.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the First Lady. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the First Lady.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, she screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same condition, better health plan."

Thứ Hai, 7 tháng 5, 2018

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling...

The juggler notices the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Sí"

"Ja"

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?" The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

The bar is ten minutes from my house...

However, my house is two hours from the bar...

My trampoline died today

RIP

Went to the sperm clinic earlier

The lady asked ‘would you like to masturbate in the cup?’

I replied ‘I’m good, I’m not ready to compete in a tournament yet.’

How Storms, Missteps and an Ailing Grid Left Puerto Rico in the Dark


How Storms, Missteps and an Ailing Grid Left Puerto Rico in the Dark
It took months to restore electricity in Puerto Rico after hurricanes dealt a one-two punch. Many homes are still without power, and the system's future is far from certain.

May 7, 2018 at 06:32PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2HYgG5D

A drunk walks into a bar....

....orders a drink and says to the bartender, "lawyers are all assholes!"

The guy at the end of the bar says "you better take that back!"

The drunk man asks, "why, are you a lawyer?"

The man says "NO, I’m an asshole!"

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail…

But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition…

A guy finds his dog with the neighbours pet rabbit in its mouth

A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth.

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"

A man and a woman get married

After twenty years of marriage, the wife tragically passes away before her time.

As they are carrying the casket in the church, one of the pall bearers bumps it on a corner, and from the casket they hear a gasp.

The woman climbs out of the casket, it's a miracle, she's on the news, people praise the Lord, and she lives another twenty years.

As they're carrying the casket through the church for the second time twenty years later, the husband murmurs to the other pall bearers, "Careful, watch out for that corner..."

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine."

Penis modification technique

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this tribe reaches a certain age , he has a string with a weight attached to it, tied around his penis. After a while, the weight stretches the penis until it’s 20 inches long.

Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower , his wife said ,”let’s try the African string and weight technique hon”

The husband agreed and they tied a string with a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked , “How is our little experiment coming along?”.

The husband replied, “Well,it looks like we’re about halfway there”

The wife was impressed, and said : “You mean it’s already grown to 10 inches?”

“No”, the husband replied...”its turning black”.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Einstein was wrong

My girlfriend makes something out of nothing all the time

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

What do you get when you cross a dog and an antenna?

A Golden Receiver.

Chủ Nhật, 6 tháng 5, 2018

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.

"Can I help you?" she asks.

"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

The patient said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

“Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your ass."

"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

So, story is set in Northern Ireland, at a small, very poor farm. Kind of long, stick with it!

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husband and the dead cow, and hangs herself to death because she doesn't know what to do.

About an hour later, the younger sister comes home, sees the disturbing sights in the barn, and not being able to handle it, drowns herself in the river. It's at this time that the oldest son wakes up, he's about 32. He comes out to the barn to see where everyone is, and sees the sight on the ground. "Ah no, MA!! PA!! The cow! How could this happen, I'll do anything to bring them back, anything!" POOF A female leprechaun shows up, and tells the son "I'll bring your family back if you can fuck me five times without dying." The son gets to it, he fucks the leprechaun once and dies.

Two hours later the middle son, about 25 years old returns, sees the sight in the barn and the leprechaun still hanging around. "Ahh, leprechaun what have you done!" to which the leprechaun replies "I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying." "Five times? No problem!" He gets to it and dies after the second fuck.

Now, the youngest son comes home, he's about fifteen, he sees the sight in the barn, notices the leprechaun who again, says "I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying.". The son says "What if I fuck you ten times?" - "I'll give you riches beyond belief and bring your family back.." "And if I fuck you twenty times?" the leprechaun replies - "I'll make you King of Ireland, give you unlimited wealth and power in addition to bringing your family back." "And if I fuck you fifty times?" - the leprechaun, extremely excited, replies "I'll make you ruler of the world, bring your family back, unlimited wealth and power, anything you can dream of!" The son says "Alright" and takes his pants off. Before anything can happen he says "Wait, how do you know you'll survive" the leprechaun goes "What do you mean?" The son says, "The cow didn't."

Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!

Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.

The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I’ll be in my lab…

Are My Testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"