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Thứ Bảy, 18 tháng 8, 2018

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

Four guys are out golfing and as the foresome is about to tee off, one of they guys excuses himself to take a piss. As the other three are waiting for him, they start talking.

The first guy says, "my son is doing so well that he just gave his best friend an entire stock portfolio." Being a very impressive gift, the others obviously have to one-up him.
The second guy says, "well, my son is doing so well that he just bought his best friend a brand new Mercedes." Indeed, even more impressive. Then the third guy says, "yeah, well my son is doing so well that he just bought his best friend a brand new house."
Just then the fourth guy returns and asks what everyone has been talking about so they tell him. He says, "well, my son works as a go-go dancer in a gay bar and I don't know how he does it, but he just got a large stock portfolio, a new Mercedes, and a new house."

There are two sisters...

... one is blonde and the other is brunette and they inherit the family farm.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our 4x4 and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.

She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your 4x4 and drive out here to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. It's a big word. She'll read it very slowly.....

Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card

She’s not sick, I just think she could get better

In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance."

The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles.

It's unbelievable.

The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.

The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."

The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

Homeowner Devises Masterfully Passive-Aggressive Way To Shame People Who Don't Pick Up Their Dogs' Poop


Homeowner Devises Masterfully Passive-Aggressive Way To Shame People Who Don't Pick Up Their Dogs' Poop
​Tired of people leaving their dogs' poop on your curb? Here's your solution.

August 17, 2018 at 08:02PM
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What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

The pickpocket snatches your watch. The peeping tom does the opposite.