A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's whore"

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My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

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How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says，‟You know，I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking，I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off before I go into the house，I sneak up the stirs，I get undressed in the bathroom.I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says，‟Well，you are obviously taking the wrong approach.I screech into the driveway，slam the door，storm up the steps，throw my shoes into the closet，jump into bed，rub my hands on my wife's ass and say，'How about a blowjob?' ....And she is always sound asleep.”

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I tried to find a porn director willing to hire me as a performer, but I couldn't...

Apparently I didn't look hard enough.

(As you can probably tell by how stupid it is, I wrote this one myself.)

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Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"

"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"

"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"

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It's funny how Jews, Christians and Muslims have fought each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

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A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

‟It is simple” billionaire boasts.... ‟I faked my age”

‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you’re?” A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds ‟85 years old”

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"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

‟I think there’s water in the carburetor.”

‟How do you know?” said the husband scornfully. ‟You do not even know what the carburetor si.”

‟I am tlling you,” repeated the wife, ‟I ’m sure there’s water in the carburetor.”

‟We’ll see,” mocked the husband. ‟Let me check it out. Where’s the car?”

‟In the swimming pool.”

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Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said ‟Olympic Condoms”.He bought it, and told his wife about it.

‟ - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?”

‟ - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

‟ - And what color are you going to wear tonight?”

‟ - Gold, obviously!”

‟ - Why not Silver? It would be great if you came second, fr a change.”

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Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I have a sideways toaster next to my name, Reddit you know what to do

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Why is E the nicest letter?

Because all the others are naughty.

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I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, ‟Just because you are unwilling to try new things, does not mean everyone's that frigid.”

‟Not that,” she explained, ‟It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks.”

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This is how bad the economy is:

• My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
  
• Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can not afford batteries.
  
• CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
  
• Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
  
• A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
  
• If the bank returns your check marked ‟Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
  
• McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
  
• Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
  
• Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
  
• A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
  
• A picture is now only worth 200 words.
  
• When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
  
• The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
  

And, finally….
* I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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I tried to remarry my ex-wife

but She figured out I was only after my money.

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As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Ntohing. Our engineering is perfect.

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A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.”

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.”

^{getting exasperated} ‟Does he beat you up?”

‟No, I'm up by 6:30 and sometimes he does not get up until after I've left for work.”

‟WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

‟We just can't seem to communicate.”

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How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

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Where do pessimistic Jews go to worship?

A cynicgogue

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Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived home on Sunday evening he was confronted by his angry wife and, needless to say, she hurled abuse at him for nearly two hours in a tirade befitting his irresponsible actions.

Finally, as she stopped shouting at him, his wife said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

“That would be fine with me,” Bill responded unwisely.

Monday went by and Bill didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

However, on Thursday, the swelling had gone down sufficiently for Bill to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes, it's..”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?”
Boy: ‟$750.”
Man: ‟Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, ‟I can't. I sold them.”
The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, ‟$1,000.”
The father says, ‟It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, ‟Dark in here.”
The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”

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If you rearrange the letters of, POSTMEN.

They become VERY ANGRY

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Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news as well as bad news. The good news is, you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient; I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. He's dead. I'm so sorry."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.”

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..

And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”

"Oh, really! What'd he say?”

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?

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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

‟Over there by mine”, wasn‘t the answer I was expecting.

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‟Hurry!” she said. ‟Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ‟Do not move until I tell you to,” she whispered. ‟Just pretend you are a statue.”

‟What‘s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‟Oh, it‘s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. ‟The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.”

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

‟Here,” he said to the ‘statue‘. ‟Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths‘ for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”

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My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

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Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

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I got a PS5 for my brother.

Best trade ever.

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week，my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well，the passion starts to heat up，and she eventually says，‘I don‘t feel like it，I just want you to hold me.‘

I said，‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear....

‘You are just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.‘

She responded to my puzzled look by saying，‘Can‘t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?‘

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night，I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big，big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn‘t decide which one to take，so I told her we‘d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes，so I said，‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.‘

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn‘t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said，‘That‘s fine，honey.‘ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation，she finally said，‘I think this is all dear，let‘s go to the cashier.‘

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out，‘No honey，I don‘t feel like it.‘

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled，‘WHAT?‘

I then said，‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You are just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.‘

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me，I added，‘Why can‘t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?‘

Apparently I am not having sex tonight.

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I messaged my ex on the day before my exam.

I asked if she had any good cheating tips

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1 in 10 men is gay

and 10 men in 1 man is super gay

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6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

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a roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter,

“five beers, please”

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I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.

"Sir, you gave me an extra."

​

"That's a freebie."

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A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We will take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check.I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I will write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I will pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.'

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My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house?

I looked her dead in the eye and said, ‟the motherfucking decepticons”.She laguhed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

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How do you piss off a female archaeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

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It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. ‟All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, ‟But what’s the dollar for?” ‟Well,” she said, ‟Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ’Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.”

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A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get

The bartender says, "You can get those damn deer the fuck outta my bar!"

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My parents got mad at me for sleeping with the autistic girl next door.

I didn’t really want to, but they told me my first time should be with someone special.

Fucking hypocrites

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A man walks into a bar

orders a drink. Downs it really quickly. Orders another. Downs that one too.

The bartender says “Hey, buddy, are you okay?”

The man says “No, honestly, I’m not. I wanted to surprise my wife, and… I caught her in bed with another man.”

The bartender says “Oh, man, that’s awful! What are you going to do?”

The man: “I just want to die. But I don't have the guts to kill myself. ”

Bartender: “That’s not what I’d do. If I caught another man with my wife, I’d kill the bastard.”

The man: “Hey, that’s it! Thanks!”

The man leaves, and comes back an hour later. The bartender asks “So, did you do it? Did you kill the guy?”

The man, big smile on his face, says “No, I fucked your wife."

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There are two sisters...

...one is blonde and hte other is brunette and they inherit the family farm.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ‟When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wanna buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‟I wanna send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our farm.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our 4x4 and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, and then adds, ‟It’s just 99 cents a word.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.

She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ‟I want you to send her the word comfortable.”

The operator shakes his head.‟How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your 4x4 and drive out here to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word ”comfortable?‟

The brunette explains, ”My sister’s blonde.It’s a big word.She’ll read it very slowly.....

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Why are conservatives moving from Twitter to Parlor?

Because historically the parlor is where corpses were laid-in-state prior to burial.

EDIT: Thanks to everyone fighting the trump-bots downvoting this.

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…” The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ” The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no” and the fake orgasm, the fake one goes ‟Oh insert the name of whoever you're tellng the joke to”

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What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Between you and me, something smells."

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A woman came back from Black Friday shopping with a new bathroom scale...

'We need to lose weight!" She said to her husband as she took it to the bathroom.

A bit later he goes into the bathroom and comes back out and says "Wow. That shit I took weighed 3 lbs."

Disgusted, she said "Did you seriously just weigh yourself before and then again after you used the toilet?"

Her husband paused and said "Oh. Damn. I guess I coulda done it that way too..."

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I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty."

I asked ‟ no bacon? No burgers?!”

To which he replied ‟No fatty, just do not eat anything! ”

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What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

---

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy no the right wakes up and says, ‟I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!” The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he is had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, ‟That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”

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A detective story

11.45 : arrived at crime scene

11.45 : Examined body. Signs of struggle

11.45 : Found murder weapon in drain

11.45 : Realised watch was broken

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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

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The deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million.Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.

The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,

he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language.The Godfather tells the lawyer, ‟Ask him where the money is!”

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, ‟Where‘s the money?”

Guido signs back, ‟I do not know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, ‟He says he doesn‘t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido‘s head and says, ‟Ask him again or I‘ll kill him!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, ‟He will kill you if you do not tell him.”

Guido trembles and signs back, ‟OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno‘s house.”

The Godfather asks the lawyer, ‟What did he say?”

The lawyer replies, ‟He says you don‘t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

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Reposts...

r/Jokes has a search feature, input the title or punchline of your joke (before posting) and if it's been posted within the last month - please don't submit it.

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Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they chnge theirs more often

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Wait, if you slap Dwayne Johnson’s Butt...

Do you Hit Rock Bottom?

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What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekyl

Try Weekly

and

Try Weakly

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Whales.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

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Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

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Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always granted by the two. Every time they stop at a house Satan never fails to display how much of a lovely guy he really is by telling amazing stories, singing, cracking jokes and just generally being a great person. At sunset the devil sees that Jack is very tired and decides to show him the house he'll be spending the rest of eternity in.

As they walk to Jack's new house the two pass close to a huge wall and Jack asks: "What's behind there?" Satan: "Oh, nothing that should concern you, pay it no mind". Despite his curiosity Jack thought better not to bother Satan with further questions and just followed him to his new house where Satan promised he'd be back the following morning to show him the recreational center before finally bidding him a goodnight after a long day. That night however Jack kept thinking back at the whole situation he was in and how surreal everything was until his thoughts eventually jumped to the wall he saw earlier in the day. After a few minutes trying to guess what could there be behind that wall that Satan couldn’t even tell him he decided he should investigate, as such he took a deep breath and dived into the night walking back to the place where the wall was. Once there he searched for some clues until he saw some faint light coming from a spot in the wall; upon closer inspection he saw that there was a hole and the light was coming from behind the wall. Jack took a deep breath and scrounged up the courage to look into the crack on the wall and what he saw was a spectacle much alike what he always thought hell would be. On the other side of the wall huge flames were scattered all over a burnt and scalding hot ground and much to his horror he saw other souls inside that nightmare being eternally burned and never consuming, screaming and pleading for help. Jack rushed back into his place where he just quietly sobbed and cried all night for he was sure now that the Devil was just toying with him to give him a bit of hope right before tossing him into eternal despair.

The following morning Satan showed up once again and told Jack to come with him. Jack pleaded: "PLEASE! PLEASE! Don't take me to hell, I'll do anything, just let me stay here; I don't wanna burn for all eternity!" Satan: "What are you talking about??? I'm just gonna show you the recreational center like I told you yesterday". Jack: "Don’t lie to me, I saw what was going on behind the giant wall!" Satan: "Ooooh, you saw that! Don't worry, that's not for you, that's the Christian hell". Jack: "The Christian hell? Why would the Christian hell be like that?" Satan: "I don’t know either man, they just want it that way".

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A blonde orders a beer

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blond calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

While lying on the floor moaning he said, "Jeez lady. Why do you let the bartender do it?"

"Duh," says the blonde, "He has a licker license!"

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

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Mario goes to court

The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”

Mario, surpised, asks: “Why?”

The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”

Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”

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A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap??"

"Because the dog's a damn liar. He never did any of that.

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Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

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How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves aroudn him.

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An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.” The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.” And the wife responded, “What property? … the schmuck had a paper route!!”

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I went to the doctor today and said

“Doctor, my ass hurts!” He said “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?” I said “Right around the entrance!” He replied “My advice is that as long as you call that the entrance, it’s gonna hurt.”

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A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

…that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.

‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand”

A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?”

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”

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What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?

"Beat it, we're closed."

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A man walks into a bar and orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots

The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up.

The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”

The bartender looks a little confused, but lines of 12 more shots.

The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”

The bartender, visibly concerned, fills up 12 more shots and lines them on the bar.

The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”

The bartender says “hold up man! You gotta slow down!”

The man says “trust me, if you had what I had, you’d be drinking this fast too.”

“Oh my god,” says the bartender, quietly leaning over the bar he asks, “what do you have?”

“A dollar”

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

The voice in the back yells:

"You bastaard!"

"For the murder of your daughter with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

"You bastaaard!"

The judge having had enough, calls out the man in the back.

"Sir! I understand your reaction due to the heinousness of these crimes, but I must ask you to be silent or be charged with contempt!"

"I'm sorry, your honor...

It's just that I've been living beside this bastard for 10 whole years and everytime I wanted to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"

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A boy starts his first day working at walmart

A boy starts his first day at walmart. His trainer says to him " I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd" So the trainer goes to the first customer and says " can I help you mam?" Lady goes "Ya I'm looking for some garden hose." Trainer " ok 10, 20 or 30 ft?" Lady "30ft" Trainer takes the lady to where the lawn hoses are and says "after can I interest you in a lawn mower?" Lady goes "why would I need a lawn mower?" Trainer " well your gonna water your grass, grass is gonna grow and your gonna need to cut it, your gonna need a lawnmower for that." Lady thinks for a second and says " ya, actually I do need a lawnmower." The boy is pretty impressed that his trainer was able to sell this lady a lawnmower. So the trainer goes to the second customs and says " can I help you sir?" The man says "ya I'm looking for some fertilizer." Trainer goes "ok, 10, 20 or 30 lbs?" Man says "20 lbs" So the trainer takes the man to where the fertilizer is and says "when your done can I interest you in a new lawnmower" Man says "why would I need a lawnmower?" Trainer says " well your gonna fertilize your grass, grass is gonna grow, your gonna need to cut it, your gonna need a lawnmower." The man thinks for a few seconds and says "ya, actually I do need a lawnmower." The boy at this point is amazed by his trainers salesmanship. So now it's the boys turn to help a customer so he goes up to this lady and asks " is there something I can help you with today?" The lady goes " ya, I'm looking for some tampons." Boy goes " ok 10, 20 or 30 pack?" Lady says " 30 pack." So the boy takes the lady to where the tampons are and says " when your done can I interest you in a lawnmower?" The lady looks at him confused as says " what would I need a lawnmower for?" Boy says " well your weekends already fucked, might as well cut the grass."

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: “That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?

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An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: ‟I’ll strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he’s free to go. The Indian asks ‟May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I wanna see how he will do it this time”. The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: ‟So, what will you use as a shield?”

The Russian: ‟The Indian, of course”.

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I can never tell if an old porn star is retired...(NSFW)

Or if they just quit their fucking job.

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What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,

We’re writing to you because you’ve violated copyright ...

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh father, may I touch it?"

This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes it is, sister."

"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the fuck out of here."

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NSFW:A preacher asked his congregation for help one sunday .

The preacher stood up and asked his congregation for help by giving anything they could to Brother Thomas because his house burned down the other day . One man stod up and said " i have some old clothes and such he can have "

"Thank you" said the preacher . Another man stood up and said

" i have some furniture he can have " "Thank you" said the preacher .

A woman stood up and said " i will give him pussy for 2 months "

The preacher sputtered and said " sister ! , what on earth has gotten in to you ? Why would you say such a thing ? " she looked around and said " well when you asked if anyone could give anything to help Brother Thomas my husband elbowed me and whispered in my ear 'Fuck that guy' .

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(Not a political post) What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

🥕 🥕 🥕 A carrot

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition ‟For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time.” The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sure enough starts singing the national anthem at the same time. The man pays his $200 and walks away slightly confused, but very relaxed.

The next night, the same woman comes into the bar and propositions another man. ‟For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time.” She brings him to the closet, performs her amazing feat, and collects her money from the flabbergasted stranger.

The next night, the same woman comes into the bar and propositions the same man from the 1st night (having forgotten she'd already ‟conned” this particular gentleman.) ‟For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time.” Being somewhat wiser, the man agrees, but asks to go to his car briefly before she starts. He grabs the small flashlight out of his glovebox, so that THIS time, he can see what the promiscuous woman is doing to accomplish this amazing trick.

She takes him into the closet, and begins to suck his dick and sing the national anthem. Just as she started the part about ramparts, the man clicks on the flashlight and there he sees a glass eye-ball rolling around on the table.

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Jan 22nd, 2021, Trump is relaxing at his Mar-a-Lago home with his wife when the phone rings.

Melania answers and the caller says "May I speak to the President please?" She replies "My husband is no longer President" and hangs up the phone.

Next day, same thing.

Day after that, same thing.

On the fourth day she says "I keep telling you my husband is not the President anymore!" and the caller says "Yes ma'am, I simply cannot hear it enough."

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I met this girl the other day and she

tok me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

‟Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed ‟Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it's at about this time I probably should've left..... ......but you just do not get an offer like that every day.

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath..

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

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A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband.Third, I'm better in bed than you are."

Mrs. Smith:"I suppose my husband said that too?"

Maid:"No, the gardener."

Mrs. Smith:"How much do you want?"

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

‟I should be in charge,” said the brain , ‟Because I run all the body‘s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

‟I should be in charge,” said the blood , ‟Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you‘d waste away.”

‟I should be in charge,” said the stomach,‟ Because I process food and give all of you energy.”

‟I should be in charge,” said the legs, ‟because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”

‟I should be in charge,” said the eyes, ‟Because I allow the body to see where it goes.”

‟I should be in charge,” said the rectum, ‟Because Im responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work.... The ass hole is usually in charge

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Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

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Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
‟Ben is in a hurry.”
‟Ben is in a coma.”

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Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it is time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, ”Darling, what’s wrong?‟

”There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.‟

”Ex-wife!‟, she screams, ”YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!‟

Tom’s reply: ”I wasn’t‟.

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AnAstronautarrivesonthemoonbase

Hesays"let'sgetadrink.wheredoyouallhangout?"Theothersrespond"Sorry,wedon'thaveaspacebar".

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*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

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An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from plce to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up?

The Devil says, ‟Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.”

‟What?” says God.. ‟An engineer? I did not send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.”

The Devil responds, ‟No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.”

God demands, ‟If you don't send him to me immediately, I will sue!”

The Devil laughs. ‟Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

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Strippers don’t have air conditioning in their homes.

............Onlyfans

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Henry

Henry died in a fire and his body was burned pretty bad.

The Morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Pat and Mike. The three men had always done everything together.

Pat arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Pat said, “Yep, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Pat said, “Nope, ain’t Henry”.

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Mike in to confirm the identity of the body.

Mike looked at the body and said. “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over”.

The mortician rolled him over and Mike said, No, it ain’t Henry”.

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Mike said, “Well, Henry had two assholes”.

“What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, we never seen ‘em, but everybody used to say: There’s Henry with them two assholes”.

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An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...

They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn’t know how to tell him what she wants. As she’s about to leave in embarrassment, she comes upon an idea. She points at her breasts, and the butcher understands, giving her the duck breast. On the next day, seeing how the previous day turned out, the man asked the woman to go to the butcher to get chicken legs. When she gets there, after a bit of thinking, raises her skirt and points at her thighs. The butcher gets the message and gives her the chicken legs. On the next day, the man asked the woman to go to the butcher to get sausages. Unable to think of anything, she decides to bring her husband to the butcher with her.

Upon arriving, the husband says ‟I’d like some sausages please”.

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We should've known about the failure of communism

In retrospect, there were a lot of red flags....

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r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 17k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

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What’s the difference between science and religion?

Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.

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Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub?

Coz of the amount of reused content here.

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sit down on a chair in front of barista and orders a drink.

While barista was preparing drink, he pulls out a 8-inch man from his pocket who has a small piano, and that small guy starts to play a great tune.

Surprised, the barista asks the man, "Where did you got this guy from?"

The man says-'From a genie; and presents the barista a old lamp.

The barista, out of excitement rubs the lamp and a genie appears and tells him-'I will grant you only one wish master. Tell me what you want.'

The barista out of excitement yells-'A million bucks!!'

The genie says 'Granted' and returns to the lamp.

Just as he leaves, a duck walks into the bar, followed by another and another.

Soon enough, the bar was filled up with a million ducks.

The barista tells the man-"I think the genie is a bit deaf, I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

To which the man replies-"You really think I asked for a 8-inch pianist?"

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My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

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My girlfriend dumped me...

...so I stole her wheelchair.Guess who came crawling back?

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A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

The man says, “D.D.D.D.D. Doctor. I.I.I.I. I can’t stop st.st.st. stuttering. P.P.P.P.P. Please help.”

After a thorough exam, the doctor tells the man, “We’ve found that your penis is 14 inches long and weighs 3 pounds. The strain of that weight is pulling on your vocal cords and causing the stutter. The only cure would be a penile transplant.

The man thinks about for a week and comes back. He says, “O.O.O.O.O. OK D.D.D.D.D Doc. I.I.I.I.I.I.I I’ll do it.

The surgery is a success and the man’s stutter goes away immediately. He’s very happy and thanks the doctor.

2 months later, the man comes back and says, “Hey Doc. I really appreciate what you did for me. However, my sex life is miserable now. Can you restore my penis to it’s original length?”

The Doctor looks at the man sternly and says, “N.N.N.N.N.N NO! Th.Th.Th.Th.Th. That’s Im.Im.Im.Im.Im.Im.Im. Impossible!

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I asked my horse if he stole my thesaurus.

He said nope.

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Girlfriend says if this gets a thousand up votes she'll let me try anal

please don't her strap on is huge

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How does a non American frighten an American?

Stick your hand down the sink.

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Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

Hispanic Attacks

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I call my weed the Quran...

Because burning tht shit’ll get you stoned

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How many dead hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently more than 5 because my basement is still dark.

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Guy goes to a fancy dress party in a green jumpsuit carry a woman by piggy back.....

Doorman: You can't come in mate, you're not in fancy dress

Guy: Yes I am, I'm a tortoise

Doorman: well I can see you're wearing green, but what's with the woman on your back?

Guy: That's Michelle....

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Three crows planned a meeting and only two of them showed up

They were charged for attempted murder

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Minnie and Mickey Mouse are getting a divorce

The judge asks Mickey:

-So, the reason why you wanted to divorce Minnie is because she's... Silly?

-I didn't say she was silly. - Mickey replies.

-I said she was fucking Goofy.

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Why do teenage girls walk in groups of 3, 5 and 7?

Because they literally can't even

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The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron,

which is ironic.

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A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

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What do you call Albert Einstein masturbating?

A stroke of pure genius.

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A farmer wakes up to find that his favourite goat has died.

Since he loved that goat very deeply, he decided to jump into the river by his house and commit suicide. Soon after, his wife woke up, and after discovering what had happened, she too followed in his steps and jumped into the river.

Their younger son woke up to find both of his parents dead, and seeing no purpose to live, he too jumped into the river. However, a mermaid hoists him up, and makes him an offer, "If you can make love to me 20 times in a row, I'll resurrect your family. However, if you fail to do that, I'll eat you alive."

The young boy agrees, and tries his best. However, he soon gives up and the mermaid eats him. At noon, the older son of the farmer wakes up and finds his family dead. When he walks up to the river and sees his brother's remains, the mermaid again jumps out of the water, and makes him the same offer.

Grinning, he asks the mermaid, "What if you up and died on me due to all that sex?"

Surprised by his confidence, the mermaid replies, " You really think you can make love to me 20 times?" "How else do you think the goat died?"

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What is a windmill's favorite kind of music?

I've heard they're huge metal fans...

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What do you call two Irish lesbians having sex?

Gaelic.

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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..."

"How soon can I go home?"

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Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years

Lose an election.

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I ate a kids meal in McDonald’s this morning.

His mother was furious.

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I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer asked me, 'What's your worst quality?'

'Honesty.' I said.

'I don't think honesty is a bad trait.' He replied.

'I don't give a fuck what you think.'

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A group of sex addicts died and went to Heaven

God immediately condemned them and sent them to Hell. They begged and pleaded with him.

"Please,God!" They cried, "Send us back and give us one last chance".

God responded: "I will send you back to Earth for another life. However there is one condition. You must take vows of celibacy now and live as virgins for the rest of your lives. One day, on November 30th 2020, you will all meet again, and this will prove you are all virgins".

They were then sent back down to Earth. God waited for that meeting. On November 30th 2020, the Reddit admin meeting begun.

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99.9% of people are dumb

Fortunately, I belong to 1% of smart people

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The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

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The pope got covid

So the pope got covid and he had a dry cough so he was rushed to the hospital and he says to the guy taking him in to get checked out, "am I in heaven?" And the guy turns round and simply says, "no your holiness, we're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward!"

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I got kicked out of the hospital!

Apparently the sign “STROKE PATIENTS HERE” meant something completely different.

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On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, “What are all these buttons for?”

He said, “Those are to keep your shirt closed.”

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A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.” Poof! The jewels appear.

“For my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.” Poof! The karma appears.

The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. “I can give you anything in the world,” he says again.

The teacher thinks for a long time. “As a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote ‘lamb’ instead of ‘lamp.’ Please correct my mistake.”

The genie moaned in anguish. “This is Reddit,” he shouted. "Once you post it, you can’t edit the title."

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A woman overhears her 8 year old son playing with his train set.

As he's moving his train around, he stops the train and says "This stop is Los Angeles. If this is your stop, get the fuck off. If this is not your stop, stay the fuck on."

The boy moves the train around for a minute, and stops the train once again.

"This stop is Seattle. If this is your stop, get the fuck off. If this is not your stop, stay the fuck on."

Horrified that her son used such foul language, she angrily sends him to his room for an hour.

After an hour passes, the woman allows her son to play with his train set on the condition he does not repeat what he said. He agrees.

Shortly after, the woman overhears her son playing with his train set once again.

After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. If this is your stop, get off. If this is not your stop, stay on. And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cunt in the kitchen."

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I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

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man walks into a bar

man walks int a bar looking rather dejected .walks up tot eh bar and orders 4 shots of tequila

bartender says " geez man , whats wrong ?"

​

the guy says " i just found out my youngest son is gay "

​

the bartender says " aw man , thats sucks . Tell you what , the drinks are on me "

so the guy drinks the shots and leaves .

2 weeks later the same guy walks in the bar and orders 4 shots of teqila .

​

bartender says " what happened now ?"

​

the guy says " i just found out my oldests son is gay "

​

the bartender says " man , that's rough , drinks are on me again "

​

the guy drinks his shots and leaves the bar

​

2 weeks later the same guy walks in the bar and orders 4 shots of tequila

​

the bartender says " jesus man ! doesn't anyone in your family like pussy ?"

​

the guy responds " yea, apparently my wife !

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My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill...

So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.

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Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting my balls on when I am driving."

"Fuck me" says Paddy, BMW think of everything!"

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Doctor, doctor

A man goes into the doctors and says "doctor doctor I think I'm going deaf" and the doctor says "can you describe the symptoms" and he says "yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair"

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Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.

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While Donald Trump is out there, causing a fuss, what is his opponent doing?

He is just waiting around like an average Joe, Biden his time.

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Why didn't Trump buy anything when he went to the UK?

He only had one Pence

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What is the difference between a Hooker and a Drug dealer?

A Hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

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how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

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Mickey Mouse is talking to his divorce lawyer

Lawyer: "So, Mister Mouse... It says here you want to divorce Minnie Mouse for being a little..strange?"

Mickey: "No damnit! I want to divorce her because she's fucking Goofy!"

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Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

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Bread is like the sun.

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

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If having sex for money makes you a whore, having sex for free makes you a...

Non profit whoreganization.

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I wanted to make a joke about time travel...

...but you guys didn't like it.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea

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If you say AT&T backwards

You sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.

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It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed.

"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.

"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

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Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

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Grandma found a lump under her left breast but the Dr said it's ok.

It was just her kneecap.

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. The Filipino threw aside the banana he was eating and shouted "Lambanoggg!" as he somersaulted into the pool, landing in 5 feet of the best coconut wine. The American threw his iphone aside and ran towards the pool but slipped on the banana peel before flailing into the pool screaming "Shittttt!"

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Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."

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If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY.

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Why did Hitler commit suicide

Because he just received the gas bill

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How do you talk with a COVID denier

with an Ouija board

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A disabled veteran

A guy goes into a post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee".

"Have you ever been in the military?"

"Yes, I serves two years in Iraq"

The interviewer says "that will give you extra points towards employment." Then he asks, "Do you have any disabilities?"

The guy says, "Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "OK, you're a disabled veteran, you have enough points for me for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8am to 4pm. You can start here tomorrow at 10am, and make that your start time every day".

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are 8-4, why don't you want me here til 10am?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."

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Talking to my X: Hey, what's up?

Talking to my Y:

?

p

u

s

'

t

a

h

w

,

y

e

H

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How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

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When I was a kid

Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.

Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad..

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I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god.

Its a naan prophet organization.

I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it around." So the guy does, takes another bite, and is suddenly quite pleased.

"It tastes like a coke! It's a rum and coke apple? It's a rum and coke apple! That's pretty neat, pal."

Another man approaches the bar, and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. The bartender hands him an apple.

Confused, the man begins to question the validity of the bartender, when the first guy reassures him, "Buddy, try the apple," and with a nod to his own, takes another bite.

The second man follows suit, and looks back at the bartender in exclamation, "Tonic! What's this, a tonic apple?"

The bartender swirls his finger in the air and tells the man, "Turn it around..."

The man has a bite from the other side of the apple and is exuberant. "It's gin! It's really gin! A gin and tonic apple!"

The two men reveled in this discovery for a while, when a dwarf walked up to the bar, made his way onto a stool beside the men, and beckoned for the bartender. As he's about to order, the second man interrupts him, "Oh, hey man wait! You should order an apple! You can get an apple that tastes like anything you want here! I've got a gin and tonic apple, and this guy's got a rum and coke apple!"

The dwarf casts an incredulous look at the bartender, who plainly nods back in confirmation.

"Oh yeah?" He starts, "OK then, it's been a while, gimme a pussy flavored apple!"

And the bartender hands him an apple.

The dwarf takes a big, expectant bite from the apple, and immediately spits it out all over the bar.

"Ughyuuk!!" He cries out, "This apple tastes like shit!"

The bartender swirls his finger in the air and tells him, "Turn it around..."

Read More

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The real question is: who broke the lightbulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

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Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin

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Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

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Sun: Greg, Mon: Ian, Tue: Greg, Wed: Ian, Thur: Greg, Fri: Ian, Sat: Greg

It's the Gregorian calendar.

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A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket? To which she replies "No, just Barium"

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A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you being different again?”

He says, “well, because I’m not a Trump fan.”

“Why aren’t you a Trump fan?”

“Because I’m a democrat.”

The teacher snuffs and says, “oh really? Why are you a democrat?”

He responds, “well, my mom is a democrat, my dad is a democrat, so I’m a democrat.”

She then says, “Oh really? Then what if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

Little Timmy smiles and says, “a Trump fan.”

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CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK WON'T TURN OFF.

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Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.

This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should pay him 100 gold coins in return. After giving it a thought, the horny man agreed to the deal!

So when the Queen was taking a bath, the friend put itchy powder on her clothes that covered her bosoms! The Queen developed an itch that was so uncontrollable. When the King asked what could be done, the horny man suggested that he knew a man whose mouth had the power to cure such itches! The friend gave the cure to the horny man and asked him to do his job. The horny man sucked the Queen's tits and she got cured of her itchiness!

The next day, the friend approached the horny man for getting 100 gold coins from him. The horny man, being his cunning old self,refused to pay him since he already got what he wanted.

The friend thought of a revenge plan. After thinking long and hard, he took the itching powder and poured it into the King's underwear when he was taking a bath.

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You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...

shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.

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A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

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A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

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A woman always has a visit from her lover while her husband is at work.

One day the nine-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what the two are doing ... Suddenly the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet.

The son whispers: "Dark in here ..."

The man: "Oh... it's you! Ehm... yes, you are right. It is dark in here."

The son: "I have a soccer ball ..."

The man: "Good for you."

The son: "Do you want to buy that?"

The man: "Nah, thank you very much!"

The son: "My father is outside!"

The man: "OK, how much?"

The son: "250$."

​

In the next few weeks it happens again that the son and the lover end up in the same closet.

The son: "It's dark in here ..."

The man: "Oh god... yeah, you're right."

The son: "I have sneakers."

The man, mentally sighing: "How much?"

The son: "500$."

​

After a few days, the father says to the son: "Take your gear and let's play soccer."

The son: "I can't, I've sold everything!"

The father: "For how much?"

The son: "For 750 euros."

The father: "It is unbelievable how you cheat on your friends, that is much more than the cost. I will take you to church for confession! That will teach you a lesson"

The father takes his son to church, puts him in the confessional and closes the door.

The son: "It's dark in here ..."

The pastor: "STOP THAT SHIT!!"

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A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"

One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's people shouting, swearing, pots and pans banging. A few minutes later, the manager comes out with $500 in hand.

"You really got us," he says, "this is the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread."

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A redditor is defusing a bomb.

EDIT: I didn't expect this to blow up!

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A bear and a rabbit find a magic genie in the woods

He grants them three wishes a piece.

"I wish for a motorcycle."

As the motorcycle appeared, the bear scoffed, "What a waste of a wish. I wish for all the bears in the forest to be female."

The genie granted his wish and the rabbit made his second wish, "I wish for a helmet."

As the rabbit's helmet appeared the bear laughed. "You're so stupid, I wish for all of the bears in the neighboring forests were female." The genie granted the wish and then the bear made his last wish, "Now I wish that all the bears in all the forests in all of the world were female."

The genie granted his last wish. Then the rabbit pulled on his helmet and revved up his motorcycle and before he tore off into the sunset he pointed at the bear and said, "I wish he was gay."

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A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts.

It was a tit-for-tat situation.

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A boy was having sex with a girl on a railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it.. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple.

Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...

The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen you, this would have been your last fuck..!!!

Boy goes...'Listen dude, you were coming... she was coming.... and I was coming.... and then I realised .... only you have brakes.

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A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?"

And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!"

A few days later husband and wife were quarrelling again and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: " now tell me! If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?"

Husband replied: "I don't have to get into the water, my mom knows to swim, she will save you."

Wife refused to relent: "No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us". Whom will you save ?

Husband replied: "Then you will surely die.... because I don't know to swim .... and my mom will definitely save me first."

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There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)

On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.

The King returned after a couple of weeks and was shocked that all men, except one of his servants had passed away due to poisoning. The king was furious with his wife, but was very pleased with that servant. He wanted to give the servant something special..

King : You're probably the most Loyal people in my Kingdom. I can't even trust my own wife, but I can trust you. Ask whatever you want and it shall be yours.

Servant: Can I suck your cock?

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My hot flight attendant asked how I liked my coffee.

Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "that's cute honey, but the coffee is free. You don't have to pay for it here"

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral.”

Mary thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways.

Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Mary.

“I’m so glad I found you!” She exclaims. “Remember that candle you lit for me, years ago? Well, my husband and I now have two sets of twins and a set of triplets — and I just found out I’m pregnant with quadruplets!”

She then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome.

“Oh Mary!” Says the priest. “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to give me a thank-you gift.”

“Oh no, it’s not a thank you,” says Mary. “It’s so you can blow out that motherfucking candle.”

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral.”

Mary thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways.

Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Mary.

“I’m so glad I found you!” She exclaims. “Remember that candle you lit for me, years ago? Well, my husband and I now have two sets of twins and a set of triplets — and I just found out I’m pregnant with quadruplets!”

She then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome.

“Oh Mary!” Says the priest. “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to give me a thank-you gift.”

“Oh no, it’s not a thank you,” says Mary. “It’s so you can blow out that motherfucking candle.”

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A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens.

Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

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How does an alchemist please his wife?

Elixer

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Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation

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two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, “This goes higher up than we thought”.

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A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH

Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?

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William Shakespeare chewed on his pencil so much...

...that eventually he couldn't tell if it was 2B or not 2B.

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My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

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A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

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A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house will be empty!”

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The night finally came. Dressed in my Jedi robe I slowly opened the bedroom door. The room was dark. I could only barely make out my wife's pale naked body, posed sensually on the bed.

I slowly remove my robe, revealing the faint blue glow of my 'lightsaber'

'Hello there,' I say, in my best sexy Obi Wan accent

'General Kenobi,' she replied, as four other 'Lightsabers' appeared behind her

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I went to a bookstore recently.

Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I wondered why they were doing that. Then IT hit me.

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I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.

She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.

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A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

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If someone calls you Fat, just ignore them.

You are bigger than that!

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A man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood - NSFW-ish

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway , he had the right credentials . The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian ."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian ! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian . After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

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Did you know most people don't know the opposite to these words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

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Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a cat!"

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I put a mood ring on my penis and it turned purple.

The ring, however, turned orange.

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her fitness trainer.

Me: "Okay, this isn't working out."

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The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod replies "You must be new here. /r/Jokes has been around for so long, we've seen every joke, so we just refer to them by numbers now"

The new user wants to get a few upvotes so writes "504,323"

When he checks his account the next day his joke is the top post on reddit and the most upvoted /r/Jokes thread of the last 10 years. He messages the mods "What happened?"

The mod replies "Nobody had heard that one before"

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**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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My dad said that people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

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My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey.

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Never have sex on the phone

You could get hearing AIDS

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around the horse and some rope around the car’s fender, steps on the gas, and pulls the horse free. Hooray!

The next day the horse and the baby chicken are at it again, but this time the baby chicken falls into the quicksand. The horse, wanting to help his friend, looks for the farmer but he’s nowhere to be found. He goes to the barn and, this time, there’s no Aston Martin either. So the horse straddles the quicksand and lowers his penis. The baby chicken grabs hold and is lifted up to safety.

The moral of the story? If you’ve got a big dick, you don’t need a fancy car to pick up chicks.

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2 midgets decide to go get prostitutes

2 midgets decide to go out and get some prostitutes and bring them back to their hotel rooms. the first one, despite how hard he tried, could not get it up. To make matters worse, all he heard from his friend in the other room was "okay, here I come again, one..... two..... three...... UGHHHHH!" After over an hour of trying he decided to just tell the prostitute to leave and go to bed. In the morning he goes outside for a smoke and he sees his buddy sitting outside already. Midget 1: Man my night was shot, no matter how hard I tried I could not get it up. How did you night go? midget 2: You think that's bad? I couldn't even get on the fucking bed!

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A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies:

”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

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Why does a bride always cry at her wedding?

Cus she never marries the best man

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

“Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus.” says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right.” replies the barman.

"The circus??” the duck asks again "...with, the big tent?”

"Yeah.” the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.

"Of course.” the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right.” says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… "What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?!?!”

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Fat shaming is wrong.

They have enough on their plate already

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A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do..he's in too far:."

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A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday

"I need to inspect your farm for illegally growing drugs." I said "Okay, but don't go in that field over there ..", The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge ?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land! No questions asked or answers given !! Have I made myself clear ?. do you understand? !!" I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores.
A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull.
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs .. "Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE !!"

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My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?" The other answers, "I don’t know, I thought you were watching."

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I think my coworkers are gay

Every time I walk by, they mumble "what an ass"

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3 blondes were walking on a path

They came across a set of tracks and were debating about what animal they were from.

Blonde 1: These are definitely deer tracks.

Blonde 2: They are not. These are clearly elk tracks.

Blonde 3: Both of you are blind. These are obviously moose tracks.

That’s when the train hit them.

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