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Thứ Năm, 31 tháng 10, 2019

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

Oedipus joke

Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me?

Oracle: you’re going to kill your father and marry joe.

Oedipus: whose Joe?

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not sayin a fuckin word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

Their words, not mine.

[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]

Me: This is my girlfriend Janine

Janine: Hi

Wife: What the fuck

"Knock, knock" "Who's there?" "Norway" "Norway who?"

"Norway in hell Epstein killed himself!"

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.

After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection.

When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.

A young lad walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist I need a pack of 3 condoms.

The pharmacist replies “are you really going to need 3?”

The young lad says “yeah, I’ve got a meal at my girlfriend’s place tonight and I think her mum and her sister both fancy me so I’m gonna smash all three of them, they’re really sexy!” The pharmacist gives him the condoms and says “lucky you!”

Later that night, the young lad is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when her dad comes in and sits down at the table. The young lad sinks into his chair and starts to pray.

The girlfriend says “I didn’t know you were religious.” The young lad replies “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'
Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Barbara. Auntie Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay the fuck away from Auntie Barbara when she's had a Drink

My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”

I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”

Thứ Tư, 30 tháng 10, 2019

What do you call intelligent people in America?


My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Why didn't Barbie get pregnant?

Ken came in another box

A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch

The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors

I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work

They said the customers complained about my hanging dick

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife died.

A tree fell and destroyed a quarter of my roof yesterday.


My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho....

How in the world did I miss all the red flags?

Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo.

But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can't stop staring at her.......

So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

The nun replies, "Okay well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though - firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun then says, "Okay then, pull into the next alley."

The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry.

The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?"

The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you - I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish."

The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?

Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

I hired an expert to exorcise my house, but I can’t afford to pay them.

Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.

I had a scary math joke...

But I'm 22 to say it

I went to a gender reveal party yesterday

and was immediately told to put my clothes back on

edit: let's take this post to the top, my minions! Good work!!

Guess who stopped smoking this morning?

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you when you aren’t even remotely interested in her?

...My wife really acts fucking strange sometimes.

The CEO of Valve walks into a bar with two of his associates...

The bartender asks “What can I get for you?”

The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.”

The bartender replies “So three drinks?”

“What the hell is three?”

How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office?


r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

A teacher asks the class, “What are some examples of flammable objects?” and the Jewish student raises his hand.

The teacher replies, “Very good! Any other examples?”

I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.

That priest is in prison now.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They are efficient and not very funny

Thứ Ba, 29 tháng 10, 2019

I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced


I hope that blew your minds

A son and daughter walk up to their father.

Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, “I really need a new fucking boat.”

I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.

She said it's in case she has to draw blood.

Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

If you boil your funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock

That's humerus.


Windows : Please enter your new password.

User : cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

User : boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character.

User : 1 boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must not have blank spaces.

User : 50bloodyboiledcabbages

Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

User : 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

Windows : Sorry, the password must not have cosecutive capital letters.

User : 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow!

Windows : Sorry, the password cannot contain a special character.

User : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow

Windows : Sorry, this password is already in use.

Science created skyscraper and planes.

Religion brought them together.

We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked.

But, Plan e just might take off

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show

The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box. He then says”Can you see me now?”

And they answer:





Vaccinated kids are much more likely to have autism

Because the ones that aren’t vaccinated are dead.

Golf Joke...What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?

The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls

Thứ Hai, 28 tháng 10, 2019

The accident

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"

Mars: I’m wet.

NASA: I’m coming over.

A Brexit walks into a bar.

The barman says "Why the long farce?"

A drunk man staggers into an empty church. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the big crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right underneath it, he waves his bottle around and starts screaming at it.

"YOU! S'all YOUR fuggin' fault!" he screams. "I los' ma job, ma wife lef' me, ma kids ran 'way, and today ma dog died! Jus' you wait! I'ma come back with ma shotgun and give ya what for!"

And then he leaves, cursing and shouting all the way.

Meanwhile, the priest has been hiding in the back and saw the whole thing. He doesn't want any trouble, so he calls up a couple of friends, and together they take the big crucifix down and hide it. As an afterthought, the priest leaves a small desk crucifix in its place.

Sure enough, the drunk man comes back with his shotgun. He looks right. He looks left. When he spots the tiny crucifix in the middle, he makes his way down the center aisle, muttering under his breath. Finally, when he's right in front of it, he leans over real close and says,

"Hey, kid, where's yer dad at?"

Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"

Me: "And?"

There’s no way video games cause violence.

If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.

My approximately 6 year old cousin told me this joke

Him: will you remember me in 5 years?

Me: yes

Him: will you remember me in 10 years?

Me: yea

Him: knock knock

Me: who’s there

Him: you forgot me already??

Why does Reddit have two "D"s?

The second D is a repost.

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

What do pedophile vampires do to relax?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

Why is the KKK against triathlons?

They don't believe in the mixing of races.

Chủ Nhật, 27 tháng 10, 2019

After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils. They dilate.

A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she had ever felt

I told her she was just pulling my leg.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"

"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

Life is like a dick

it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.

Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: Herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: Himbert



My wife said this sub is nothing but the same recycled crap over and over.

She is so wrong so I told her to check my history. My last post here says otherwise.

Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams.
Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

 I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.

It’s a dart board on a ceiling.

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....

when he turns to her grabs her tits and says

"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says

"Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it is flat.

In the end, he came around.

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

 "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

 "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.

“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”

Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.

Thứ Bảy, 26 tháng 10, 2019

I tripped over my girlfriends bra

seemed to be a booby trap.

If you've been thinking about singing karaoke with a friend

Just Duet!

The man who invented velcro died.


I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster

but it just made it more sluggish.

2 brothers open a weed shop.

It was a joint effort.

Dad: Son, you're adopted.

Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.

“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”

“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”

“It is,” I said.

“No, it isn’t,” she said.

“You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fcuking chessboard up your ass.”

I got a job making plastic Draculas for Halloween.

There’s only two of us though so I have to make every second count.

A bear walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "I'll have"

The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."

The frog

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

Study shows women are turning into good drivers

So if you’re a good driver watch out

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK. If you do, you will be punished."

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

A couple of days later, they decide to have a picnic. It's a beautiful day; the sun is shining, the skies are blue, etc. As they lay down the blanket, one of the men sits on a suspicious-looking lump (which turns out to be a duck).

St. Peter appears instantly. "I GAVE YOU ONE RULE!", he bellows, "And you could not follow it!? I have no choice but to punish you." Despite the man's pleas, St. Peter continues, "As punishment, you are now bound to the ugliest woman in heaven for all eternity!" Both St. Peter and the man vanish.

The next day, the two remaining men take a walk in a park. One of the men doesn't look where he's going, and all of the sudden... CRUNCH! - a duck has been stepped on.

As with the last time, St. Peter appears instantly. "You know what I must do - you are now bound to the next ugliest woman in heaven for all eternity!"

Three years later, the final man is relaxing in his house, when out of the blue, St. Peter appears. Expecting something bad, the man gets on his knees and asks what St. Peter wants. he replies, "Since you have been so good as to not touch a duck for the past three years, I will reward you by binding you to the most beautiful woman in heaven for all of eternity."

As St. Peter describes her, the man really thinks she sounds gorgeous. He is so eager to meet her that he asks, "When do I see her?" St. Peter snaps his fingers, and POOF - the man is meeting his soul mate. They talk for a while, until he says to her, "You're so beautiful and smart and funny; what did I do to deserve you?" The woman responds, "I don't know; all I had to do was step on a duck!"

Sorry about the length of this one, folks. I thought it was worth sharing.

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.

I have the unique ability to eat two pieces of string and poop them out tied together...

I shit you knot

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.

" The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied

. "What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day

In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death.

On the day of the funeral, each of his advisers came with a large envelope and each, in turn, placed it in the wealthy man's open casket. At the end of the funeral, when the man was buried, each of the advisers walked away from the cemetary together.

The accountant said to the other two "I must confess, I didn't put all of the money in. I kept $10,000 for myself and only put in $40,000."

The doctor responded "I should be honest too. I kept $20,000 for myself and only put in $30,000."

The lawyer looked at the other two with disdain and said "I'm ashamed of both of you. Our client instructed us to put in $50,000 each into his casket, and I'll have you know I put in a check for the full amount!"

Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!

I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.

Thứ Sáu, 25 tháng 10, 2019

The man who invented autocorrect has died.

May he roast in piss.

Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!”


One day, little Bobby’s parents decided to have sex

So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Bobby says sure and goes out.

After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Bobby says " I didn't see any red cars but I found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says "That’s funny, did they leave the curtains open?”

In return, Bobby says out loud, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting red cars"

A newbee hunter asked a experienced old hunter how to hunt bears

The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? " The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!"

PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.

My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.

It runs in our jeans.

That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.

I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

I was driving in the desert in my 1989 Jeep Wrangler.

I was going for a drive in the vast, dry deserts of Nevada. I had just gotten in a fight with my wife, and yes, I might have had a little too much to drink and a little too poor a sense of direction to be doing what I was doing. Cacti and tumbleweeds blurred past me as I tried my best to ignore the clunking sound coming out from under the old Wrangler's hood. One stretch of road blended into the next. As the road got bumpier, I realized I wasn't even on a road after all, but rather wandering the desert on an uncharted course.

SLORTCH! A sickening crunch sent me and my battered mount spiraling and screeching over the coarse, sandy dunes. Sand got everywhere. The Jeep rammed into a dune with a THUD and I blacked out.

"FOOL OF A CROOK!" I heard in a thunderous voice. I looked around, panicked. My legs were caught under some Jeep guts that had spilled all over me. I couldn't move. "Are all you humans this stupid, or are you an extra rare shiny specimen?"

"What?! Who's there? What's going on?" was all I could spew from my confused mouth.

"I am Na'thwhqangq'yi, though those of your kind often call me Nathaniel. Do you not know what you nearly crashed into?"

Still looking around, I shrugged. "A wedding party?" I offered. Out of the corner of my eye, a slimy silver snake slithered silently into view.

"Ahem. Do you see any extravagant mate pairings in the vicinity? You're hardly doing anyone any favors."

Staring into his beady little eyes, I was shocked to realize that the voice was coming from the snake! It seemed to be some kind of telepathic ability. Not only that, he had lowered his voice now that he was closer.

"Well, Nate the Snake," I quipped, "it's not like you've exactly been handing out favors either! What are you, anyway? Some kind of Area 51 experiment?"

Despite the stupidity of my remarks, I heard something like a muffled chuckle. "Nate the Snake... I like that. What I am is very old, and beyond your mortal understanding. But I have been imprisoned within this serpentine body for the purpose of guarding the Terminus Obelisk. It is one spoke of a wheel that, when turned, will ignite ancient flames within this planet that will destroy everything on it. And above it. And outside it, in dimensions you cannot imagine."

"Huh... and what are the other spokes of this wheel? What does that metaphor even mean?" I asked.

Nate the Snake scoffed. "It's literally a wheel, pal. See that stick over there? In the mud?"

I looked over at some kind of branch-looking thing protruding from a mud pit nearby. A stick in the mud.

"I'm not your pal, guy! The name's Jesse. So... you're telling me if I had hit that switch over there, the entire universe and beyond would have ended?"

Nate nodded sagely. "A stick. A switch. An on/off button for existence, if you will, but more of a lever than a button."

I snapped "I'm not Will, I'm Jesse! Pay attention, geez."

Again, that stupid sexy chuckle. "Well I'm not Geez, either! Nate the Snake, remember?"

"Right. By the way, help a pal out and get my legs free, please? I'm not a badass snake like you. I really need to pee."

The car parts holding me down dimly glowed and were lifted from my legs. I thanked Nate heartily and tried to get the Jeep started. No luck.

Finding I was stuck here, in the middle of the desert, I did what any sane man would do: make conversation with Nate the Snake. I found out he'd been guarding this Obelisk thing for centuries. It really didn't look like an "obelisk" to me, though, so I just started calling it the Lever of Doom, and it stuck.

When I got thirsty, Nate was kind enough to lead me to a nearby spring hidden just under a dune that I would have completely missed otherwise. As I drank greedily from the spring, I talked to Nate about my life and my problems.

Despite coming off as a bit of a jerk at first blush, Nate was actually pretty interested in my life. Turns out women in lakes handing out swords is no basis for government, but ancient spirits in snakes handing out advice is an excellent basis for turning your life around. We talked for hours and hours about my wife, Jamie, how all the little times I pissed her off had added up, how she rearranged my things only because she loved me and wanted to clean up the place.

Days passed as I tried to fix the Jeep and failed. No cell reception. I had no idea where the nearest town was. Nate the Snake took pity on me and helped guide me to some wild berries that kept me fed near that mysterious hidden spring. We talked more - about how I felt I was at a dead end at my job, about the career I wanted to pursue and how my manager seemed so much more selfish than other managers in my division. We talked about his abilities, and he showed me some more of the mystical secrets of the desert. He gave me a killer flan recipe. It was all information that I would later take to improve my life immeasurably.

Eventually, I found out what was stopping the Wrangler from starting. With a few zaps from Nate, the engine roared to life.

"I'm going to miss you, Nate the Snake. I feel like we really connected these past few weeks."

"And I you," Nate replied. "But this needn't be goodbye forever. Return to this desert, take a left, then a right, and repeat. When you are wandering, when you are lost, you can find me and we can chat once more. However, you must promise ne that you will never tell anyone about the Lever of Doom."

I took his blessing and warning to heart. Can't believe I even got the old coot to call it the Lever of Doom, too.

And return to him I did. Over the years, as he said, whenever I felt lost in life, I would return to the desert, play the left-right game, and find warm-blooded counsel from Nate. He helped me find solace after my first divorce; he held me stable when the market crashed and I felt totally responsible for it; I bought some guns and helped him defend the Lever of Doom from void-faced legions from Hell. Nate became my dearest friend in life.

One last day, in my hairs of gray, I took one last drive in the deserts of Nevada. I drove my 1989 Jeep Wrangler, repaired multiple times over the years, like I had many times before. As always, I played the left-right game.

I was glad to see Nate's figure in the distance as my Jeep approached. Old friend, one final visit from me.


Uh oh.

That was not a sound my Jeep should have made.

I slammed on the brakes, but nothing happened. The engine roared faster and faster. I was directly on a collision course with the Terminus Obelisk! That stupid little stick in the mud that could destroy the universe. Sweating, I knew I had to make a split second decision... but I knew Nathaniel would never forgive me if I didn't do it.

At the last minute, I swerved into my dearest friend, killing him instantly, and yelled,


I have an EpiPen

My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.

What do you call an erection at a funeral?

Mourning Wood

What do you call a caring prostitute?

Someone who gives a fuck

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.”

“Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?”

Thứ Năm, 24 tháng 10, 2019

An ego and a superego walk into a bar.

The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his student?

PDF file.

I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”

I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”

“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, 'what would Jesus do?'

Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.

Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?

Because you can’t see in the dark.

Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.

Why are there two d's in reddit?

The second one is a repost.

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going,he replies,

“I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.

For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.

An Athiest in hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

Son: "Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

Four men went golfing together one day...

Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."

A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old...

During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?”

“It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!”

“I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?”

Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, “85 years old.”

Never treat a woman like an object...

It hates that.

I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday.

It was the least I could do for him.

Thứ Tư, 23 tháng 10, 2019

Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

My favorite joke of all time.

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

The second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

The third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

The first guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore.

The second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.

The third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."

The second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."

The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."

It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was having an affair, so I left work early to come home and try to catch her in the act. When I got home, sure as shit there she was, naked on the bed! I looked all over the apartment, but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere. So I went outside on our 25th story balcony, and there he was!! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! So I ran inside, and grabbed my hammer and ran back outside and started smashing his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go, and he fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and using all of my might, I grabbed my refrigerator, picked it up, and threw it over the rail and on top of the guy, crushing and killing him!! But all of the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.”

Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let the poor soul in.

Another man came walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter told this man the same thing—that in order to get in, he was going to have to make Saint Peter laugh. So the second started to tell Saint Peter how he died.

“Oh man, it was awful! I was doing aerobics out on my 26th story balcony of my apartment, when all of a sudden a flock of birds came out of nowhere and started attacking me! I was trying to get away, but I fell over the edge of my railing! However, on my way down I managed to grab the railing of the apartment below mine…but then this maniac suddenly showed up and started smashing my hands and fingers with a hammer until I let go! Fortunately for me, I landed in some bushes, but then some guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!

Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second guy into heaven, and was realizing he has found a way he could really start enjoying his job! About that time, a 3rd man comes walking up to the pearly gates, and Saint Peter gave him the speech about needing to make him laugh, and asks him how he died.

“Oh man, you’re never going to believe this shit! Alright, so picture this—I’m butt naked and hiding in a refrigerator…”

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father,may I ask a favor?’

‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?

‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’

‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her..

The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’

‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’

‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’

Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!

Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"

Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"

Then he beats him to death.

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."

Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"

Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

Why is 69 afraid of 70?

Because they once had a fight and 71.

Sorry guys.

A redhead tells her blonde sister, "I slept with a Brazilian..."

The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

First time

Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed.

Husband : What? You had three divorces before.

Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it.

Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it.

And the third was an engineer. He wanted to re-design it.

You are from HR, so this time I know, I am going to be fucked.

What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

I named my eraser Confidence.

Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make.

Thứ Ba, 22 tháng 10, 2019

Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl

When she noticed me, we went for a run

How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Girls With Big Tits.

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big tits.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

I was sexually active at 12

It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me

My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

Yogurt on the bus [NSFW]

On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater."

She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt..."

I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."

What does a black rectangle have in common with the girl I met last night?

you tap it once and it's gone

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?"
Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"

The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"

And for my next trick, I will dissapear

Fuck you pear, you taste like shit

Today my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?"

I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

What's the difference between a velodrome and a palindrome?

For one, you have to use a bicycle. For the other, you can use a race car.

Thứ Hai, 21 tháng 10, 2019

Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.

The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits.

The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal.

“You have to put all ten up your butt without making a noise or we’ll execute you.”

The man had no choice, so he starts putting the apples up his buy and gets to 4 before the pain is too much and he screams. The tribe executed him.

The 2nd guy comes back with berries. They tell him the same thing. He gets to 9 and is about to put the 10th in when he starts laughing hysterically. Executed.

The 1st and the 2nd guy are in the afterlife talking. The 1st says to the 2nd, “Why’d you laugh? You were so close?” And the 2nd guy says “Well, I saw the third and he had pineapples.”

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh shit, I have an important package coming, I have to get the door. I can’t wipe this blood off my face fast enough!” said the guy.

The gf tells him, “it’s ok, just tell the guy you were eating a jelly sandwich and didn’t have time to wipe your face.”

So the guy goes and opens the door to sign the package from the mailman but notices the mailman staring at him awkwardly.

“Oh this red stuff around my mouth is from my jelly sandwich, sorry about that.” says the guy.

The mailman, slightly confused, says “Ohhhh... so is that peanut butter on your forehead?”

My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away

He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair...

I’m reading a book that compares the different versions of the Bible.

Turns out, there is a lot of cross referencing.

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.

No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

Why do HK police go to work early?

To beat the crowds.

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.

I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I’ve ever seen."

There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child’s name.

The priest said “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”

What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red.

The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”

The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was.

The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.

The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.

What do you call a chubby midget?

Low fat.

How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because the change starts with you.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.

Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.

Chủ Nhật, 20 tháng 10, 2019

[NSFW] Senior Sex

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer who was walking by, heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!"

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

I have so many jokes about Unemployed people

But sadly none of them work.

What is the most sensitive part of a man’s body when he masturbates?

His ears

What’s easier to pick up the heavier it gets?


A Chinese Doctor cannot find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20" You can't beat Chinese Doctors

My wife says that she will have butt sex if this hits the front page by the morning.

Please don't upvote she is on a business trip until tuesday.

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but it’s expensive and the bulb has to want to change.

What's the fastest liquid on Earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

An African student: What's food?

A European student: What's scarcity?

An American student: What are 'other countries'?

A Chinese student: What's 'my own opinion'?

What do you get if you divide a pumpkins circumference by its diameter?

Pumpkin π


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?

A Plagueround

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best friend.”

Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him.

“AHHHH! Who are you?”

“Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.”

“Good hell, you scared me half to death.”

“It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.”

“Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam.

“There is baseball in heaven.”

“Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

Thứ Bảy, 19 tháng 10, 2019

Why Americans don’t use metric?

Foot fetish

Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?

For Hispanic attacks

Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch!

Hermione: Emma Watson?

What’s the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn’t have trouble-shooting.

I was in the bedroom with my girlfriend, and she told me to “Turn off the light and stick it in my ass”

I really should’ve waited for the lightbulb to cool down...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They’ll just shoot the room for being black

What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?

I’ll see you next month

3 men die and go to heaven

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pulls out his keys "these represent bells"

He is allowed into heaven

The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear

Saint Peter: good lord what do those represent?!

The third man says "oh well these, these are Carols"

George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.

He even used the name when he had a little grill.

I broke my finger yesterday...

... on the other hand, I'm okay.

Only anti-vaxxers will get this one...


What do you call two identical looking boobs?


Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.

3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No" so she hugged him & walked on. The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No" so she kissed him & walked on. Third said "You ever been fucked?" He said "No" as his eyes lit up... she said "You will be when the tide comes in."

Thứ Sáu, 18 tháng 10, 2019

I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.

I couldn’t differentiate between them.

What has two butts and kills people ?

An assassin

Joker to Batman: "Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?"

"Yeah sure."

Joker: "Ok, parental love".

Batman: "I don't get it.."


After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile’s and sometimes a wink.

All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.

I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.

I am now independent.

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

Hitler built a boat in pixelated blocks and named it

Mein Kraft

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

Trump's parents are in trouble

They made a racist joke.

Why are all the black guys afraid of the white guy in prison?

Cause they know he actually did it.

Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.

One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He rolls down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me a body!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies.

Almost a year goes by and Christmas rattles around again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me arms for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, sure enough, Little Tommy has arms. He leaps onto his palms and down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me arms!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies.

Almost another year passes and Christmas arrives again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me legs for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, a pair of fully functional legs with feet to boot. He sprints down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me legs!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies.

Little Tommy can’t believe his luck. “Mommy Mommy, I just have to go tell Little Billy I have legs!” Little Tommy throws open the front door, bounds outside and is immediately killed by a passing car.

The moral of the story?

Quit while you’re a head.

Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

Thứ Năm, 17 tháng 10, 2019

The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?"

Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."

Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."

After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.” ..." St. Peter said, “ Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork… but sure. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back as a fish or as a hen.”

Carl never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn’t be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence.

Carl replied, “Okay, then I choose to be a hen.”The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh? How’s your first day here?”“Not bad,” replied Carl the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!”“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”

“Never,” said Carl.“Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Carl clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg!

Carl was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Carl! Wake up. You’re shitting the bed!!!”

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy please paint that wall

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.

Always walking around like they rent the place.

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?


Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo...

...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.

A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".

The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.

When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?"

"I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"

The best part about Islamic sex dolls

Is they can blow themselves up

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 10k members! Come see reposts in real time!

What's the difference between a politician and a serial killer?

The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

A dog gets lost into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "woah!This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top,a monkey witnessed everything.Evidently,the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily"get on my back,we'll get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog.The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more.

He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago... "

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

-Sir, you have a bladder infection.

-What’s that?

-Urine trouble, sir.

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me 5,000$ for hand jobs."

He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?"

"15,000$" she replies.

"15,000$?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts

"Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me 15,000$ for blow jobs."

"Fine, how can i say no?"

Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?"

"Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks.

"No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded.

"No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy..."

Just called the tinnitus hotline

It didn’t stop ringing

Thứ Tư, 16 tháng 10, 2019

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

The wife and I decided we don't want children.

We're telling them tomorrow.

What do you get when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent?

Beats me

Bank Robber : Wherr is the safe?

Teller :

Bank Robber : WTF. Where is the safe?

Teller :

Penn : He always does this.

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?


Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.

Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.

She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her.

Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?

Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out.

The little girl starts laughing.

What's so funny hunny?

You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!

A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it’s a gay bar:

"What the heck." He says to himself. "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy. "What’s the name of your willy?"

The cowboy says. "Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

"The gay waiter says. "I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks. "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies. "‘Cause it takes a licking and keeps on ticking."

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella’s on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says.....
"So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims. "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds. "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says. "I call mine CHEVY Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks. "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says. "Because it’s ‘STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

Trump shouldn't have said "shithole countries"

The correct term is turd-world countries.

How do you call it when two short people do 69?



Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

I'll never use that dictionary again...

The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.

Thứ Ba, 15 tháng 10, 2019

Someone stole my Microsoft office and they’re gonna pay,

You have my word.

Which friends should you always take out to dinner?

Your taste buds.

My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas

The police verdict? Hummuscide.

Why did the pianist get arrested?

Because he was fingering minors.

Interviewer: how do you explain the 3 year gap on your resume?

Me: oh, that was when I went to Yale

Interviewer: Amazing, you are hired!

Me: hurray! I got a Yob!

So I've been asking what LGBTQ is,

But nobody will give me a straight answer.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears

so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and it settles on their land.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words

Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!

Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for living?"

Gambler says "I am a professional gambler."

"A gambler?" said the IRS agent with slightly puzzled and surprised look on his face.

"Yes, I make my money by betting, would you like a demonstration?"

"Sure" said the IRS agent "let's have a demonstration"

"I will bet you $1,000; that I can bite my eye" said the gambler.

"OK, you have a bet" replied IRS agent with a smirk on his face. The gambler pops out his glass eye and bites it. IRS agent is shocked as he did not see that coming, and he did agree to a $1,000 bet in from of gamblers attorney.

"All right, all right, this was not really fair" said the gambler. "I will give you a chance to win your money back. I will bet you another $1,000 that I can bite my other eye."

IRS agent looks over the guys paperwork and see that he is not legally blind and takes the bet. The gambler takes out his dentures and bites his other eye. The IRS agent is now visibly stressed and sweating for being on the hook for $2,000.

"I tell you what. Double or nothing, I will stand on the edge of your desk, close my eyes and piss into the garbage can on the other side of the room without spilling a drop, what do you say?"

IRS agent is a little perplex, but does not see how that would be possible and takes the bet. The gambler stands on the agents desks, unzip his pants, closes his eyes and pisses all over the agents desk.

"YES!!!" exclaimed the IRS agent knowing he won the bet and does not own the gambler any money.

"Ahh, shiiiit" said the attorney.

"What's the matter?" asked the IRS agent.

"Well, he bet me $20,000 that he will come to your office today, piss all over your desk, and you would be happy about it."

Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop

Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz...

"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny.

"What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets his cookie.

"And what did you do on recess, Suzy?" Suzy replied that she played in the sandbox with Johnny and Leroy. "Spell 'box' and you will get a cookie." Says the teacher. Suzy correctly spelled box and got her cookie.

"Leroy, what did you do during recess?" The teacher asked. He replied, with tears in his eyes "Well, I tried to play in the sandbox with Johnny and Suzy, but they just threw rocks at me and called me a N$%%ER!"

The teacher looked at Leroy and said "Well my goodness! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!"

"So, Leroy, spell 'blatant racial discrimination' and you'll get a cookie!"

My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else...

Thứ Hai, 14 tháng 10, 2019

Most people are shocked when they find out

how bad an electrician I am.

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself

Me : Have you heard about whats happening in china

Friend: No

me: neither have they

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.” 

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.”

“Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”

The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”

“Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

How do you catch a cursor fish?

click bait

Spoiler alert:

It makes the trunk of the car look better

How do you tell the difference between a boy ghost and a girl ghost?

Their booooobs.

What kind of animal would Hitler be?


Mom, I'm dating a man.

-Whom, sweetheart?

-Dante the mailman.

-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!

-But mom, age is just a number.

-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?

They don’t give shots to babies.

A Scottish man walks into a bar..

.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.

Me: It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, what matters is how many times you get back up”

Cop: “Sir, that’s not how a sobriety test works.”

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied it.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedian replied, "No, I ran over a skunk a few miles back."

The officer gave him a good look over and asked, "Why are your eyes red?"

The comedian sniffled and said, "It was a baby skunk."

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

The first 10 incarnations of Winnie the Pooh were so cute.

XI is just a fucking asshole.

Chủ Nhật, 13 tháng 10, 2019

My girlfriend just admitted she was having an affair with our teacher.

I don't know what's worse, that I'm being cheated on or the fact we're both homeschooled.

Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

where have you been for the last 20 years?

Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where's my present?!

3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.

3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough.

The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be extra careful to not step on a duck.

The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and POOF! She's suddenly handcuffed to an even UGLIER guy! The last woman made VERY sure not to step on a duck.

And she never did. Until one day, POOF! She was suddenly handcuffed to a gorgeous man. She asked him, "What did I ever do to be handcuffed to you?" He looked at her and said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

Whats the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter f.

When Beethoven passed away...

...He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eight Symphony, and it's backwards too! Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... The Sixth... The Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery:

"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

She said "choke me daddy!"

So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.

Two Italians

Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.

but none of them work.

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

Guy walks into a bar...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

  3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

Never challenge death to a pillow fight

unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions

Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?

They like to beat the crowd

Here's a joke about China


Thứ Bảy, 12 tháng 10, 2019

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian

It was the least I could have done for him.

At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”

It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.

A Japanese tourist went into an American bank to exchange some Yen for Dollars..

He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90.

Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?"

The teller replied "Fluctuations"

"Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man

{air horn sound}

{second air horn sound}

Me: “this isn’t deodorant”

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!"

"Well..." says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?"

She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"

My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.

I think it's just a stage he's going through.

A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”

Sleeping is so easy

I can do it with my eyes closed.

A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

I hate shower sex...

This drain hurts my dick I need a girlfriend

When I die, I’m donating my body to science.

It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.

An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.

The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. »

The imam replies: « Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah »

The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: « I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever god needs he takes while what’s left is mine.

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions:

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Confounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd. . ."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."