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Thứ Tư, 31 tháng 1, 2018

What do you call a veterinarian who can only treat one species?

A Doctor.

I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs

We're in trouble

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work. 

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

 Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. 

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. 

That leaves just two people to do the work.

 You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

I was sitting in a bar!

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last as long for the obese.

I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there,

He said he can't complain.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet...

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy.

I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".

Saw a falcon eating avocado toast.

Guess it's a millennial falcon.

'Black Panther' Just Had Its Premiere — Here's How People Responded

'Black Panther' Just Had Its Premiere — Here's How People Responded
There's a little over two weeks left to wait until "Black Panther" hits theaters, but a lucky group got to see it in Hollywood last night. Here's how they reacted to the film.

January 31, 2018 at 02:49AM
via Digg

Old age

“Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there nothing comes out.” 

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

   "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

   "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.   

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."   

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"   

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

   Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"   

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

What do you call a prison full of kangaroos?


There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.

They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"

"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

Why women make better assassins.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.”

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.

“ Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the chair.”

Thứ Ba, 30 tháng 1, 2018

I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint...

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"

The laughter roars even louder, and then the physicist turns to the philosopher.

"Shut the fuck up and make my coffee."

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept trying to dissuade him.
Ving filled out all the paperwork and submitted it, but instantly regretted his decision. He was told that since the paperwork had already gone through he'd had to pay an extra fee to undo his name change.
Ling was so happy that Ving decided not to go through with it he offered to pay, but when he took out his money all of a sudden their elderly Chinese father stormed in, dressed in shorts with the American flag printed upon it.
"Don't stop, be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling."

There's only two things I hate in this world.

Accidentally pressing "submit" when making a post and

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

Searching for an Alzheimer’s cure while my father slips away

Searching for an Alzheimer’s cure while my father slips away
At the beginning, we searched frantically for any medical breakthrough that might hint at a cure. Then hope gave way to the unbearable truth.

January 29, 2018 at 09:03AM
via Digg

An elderly couple next to me are talking to each other at a restaurant.

As they are talking, the man keeps calling his wife the sweetest names like Honey, Deer, Sweetie ect ect ect. When his wife excused herself to use the bathroom, I leaned over and said "I love how you talk to your wife. You call her the nicest things. It appears you two have been married for quite some time. How do you keep the spark going?" He replies "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm too afraid to ask her what it is".

My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."

Graduated top of his class...

When I...

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink.

After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another drink.

After finishing the drink, the man orders a sandwich and yells "When I eat, everybody eats!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders food.

After eating the sandwich, the man buys a cigarette and yells "When I get a smoke, everybody gets a smoke!". Everybody rushes to the counter and gets a cigarette.

After smoking, the man pays $25 and yells "When I pay, everybody pays!"

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.

There was a man nicknamed Onestone

He was given that name as he only had one testicle. One day he was tired of everyone calling him that and he proclaimed that he would kill anyone who called him that from now on. Years went by, no one dared to call him onestone. However, a woman named Yellowbird forgot and called out to him shouting the dangerous name.

Onestone took her into the forest and made love to Yellowbird day and night until she died from exhaustion. Now word spread out that Onestone was serious about it.

Just a few weeks later, Yellowbird's cousin Bluebird approached Onestone and said his name out loud. Onestone then took Bluebird into the forest and made love to her day and night but she wouldn't die!

The moral of the story: You can't kill two birds with one stone.

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’

A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’

Thứ Hai, 29 tháng 1, 2018

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime. The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"

Andrew, the Scot, opens his sandwiches, "Ach! haggis sandwiches! I'm sick of haggis sandwiches! If I get haggis sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"

Paddy likewise opens his sandwiches, "Feck! potato sandwiches! I'm sick of potato sandwiches! If I get potato sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"

the next days comes and, what do you know. Arthur has roast beef again. Without a word, he jumps from the 20th floor. Likewise, Andrew has haggis. Without so much as a whisper, he swan-dives the full 20 floors. Mournfully, Paddy eyes his potato sandwiches. With a final salute to the world, he too jumps off. All three men quite dead.

At the funeral the tearful wife of the Englishman says, "All Arthur had to do was tell me he didn't like roast beef. I'd have made him another filling!"

The wife of the Scotsman sniffs, "I loved my Andrew! I would have made him any sandwich he'd asked for, if he'd just said something!"

The wife of the Irishman is quite unmoved, "The fecking idiot made his own sandwiches!"

My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman.

But she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!!”

I was watching porn last night when my grandmother walked in...

Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.

I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn’t prevent you from getting your wife pregnant.

It just changes the color of the baby. :(

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

Man: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope?

Customer: No thanks, I’d have no use. Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do! Customer: I can’t read this, it’s too small! Man: Boy have I got the product for you!

Why is the military so strict about their uniforms?

To minimize casual tees...

The Astronaut Who Might Actually Get Us to Mars

The Astronaut Who Might Actually Get Us to Mars
The improbable journey of Franklin Chang Díaz, who immigrated to the U.S. at eighteen, became an astronaut, tied the record for most spaceflights, and now might hold the key to deep space travel.

January 29, 2018 at 12:47AM
via Digg

I bumped into an old school friend today.

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

"The bond's Name. James Name"

Pleased to... what?

"Bond Name's the james"

Are you alright?

"Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"

"Forget everything you learned in college, you won't need it working here"

"But I never went to college."

"I'm sorry, you're under-qualified to work here."

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

Chủ Nhật, 28 tháng 1, 2018

I'm hosting a charity night for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

If you can't come please let me know.

The salesman

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j- joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment ," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k- kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, "Her- ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H- Hel-Hello, M-m- maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Two liars went for a swim.

Now these two were a dad and his son. The dad climbed a boulder and proceeded to dive into the water. He got his foot stuck between some rocks and struggled to release his feet for around 2 minutes before swimming back to the surface.

Son: You were under for quite a while there. What happened?

Dad: Oh! I found a nice diner down there and decided to stop for a cup of coffee!

Son: Yeah right. I bet there's a Starbucks down there too.

Dad: I'm not kidding! Dive down and see it for yourself.

The son then proceeded to dive from the same boulder, but with better technique. Due to this, he reached the bottom with quite some speed and his head collided with a rock that causes it to bleed. Dizzy, he takes some time to recover, then swims back to the surface.

Dad: Jesus! Why is your head bleeding?!

Son: I've stopped by the diner that you mentioned for some coffee myself. The owner hit me on the head with a fucking rock because your cheap ass didn't pay for the coffee!!

Three friends - two straight guys and a gay guy - and their respective partners are on a cruise.

A tidal wave then came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned.

Next thing you know, they’re standing before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

First up came one of the straight guys and his wife.

St Peter shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry, I cannot let you in. You were too greedy. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

Up next was the second straight guy and his wife. “I’m sorry, for I cannot let you in either. You were also greedy. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”

At this, the gay guy gulped and turned to his boyfriend, whispering nervously, “This doesn’t look good, Dick.”

Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

Because all the other letters are Not-Cs

How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....

My wife is turning 32 soon..

I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. "After all," I said, "The celebrations are only going to last half a minute."

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

I said, "It’s your thirty-second birthday!"

RNC Finance Chair Steve Wynn Resigns After Sexual Harassment Allegations

RNC Finance Chair Steve Wynn Resigns After Sexual Harassment Allegations
Las Vegas casino mogul Steve Wynn is stepping down as Republican National Committee finance chair, according to three Republicans familiar with the decision.

January 28, 2018 at 03:42AM
via Digg

The jokes on this subreddit are like US presidents.

You might get a new one once every 4 years

What do boobs and the sun have have in common?

You can look at them longer with sunglasses

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die

A twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

A man and woman die on their way to get married.

They find themselves in a long line before the Pearly Gates. They spend time talking as they wait and decide to see if they can get married in heaven.

When it's their turn at the gate they ask St Peter if they even can get married in heaven. "That's a good question. Wait here and I will get you an answer"

St Peter leaves the couple and the minutes turn to hours, the hours turn to days. Finally after more than a week St Peter returns. He look exhausted and worn.

"Ok" he says "you can get married in heaven, go on in"

"But wait! Eternity is a long time. What if things don't work out? Can we get a divorce in heaven?" They ask.

St Peter levels an angry glare at the couple. "If it took me that long to find a priest in heaven, if you want a lawyer you can go to hell."

Thứ Bảy, 27 tháng 1, 2018

By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania...

Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror...

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away

As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 5 more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

What makes a good tongue-twister?

Well, it's hard to say...

Usually when I get naked in the bath room

The shower gets turned on

I've a great fear of speed bumps

but I'm slowly getting over it.

A son says: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay.

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

A man is walking through a graveyard when he sees another man squatting next to a grave. "Morning!" he calls out.

"No, just having a shit!"

What do you call a female peacock?

A peacunt

Money or Sex which one?

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $300 for what I give you for free." "I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $600 a year."

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says, "Um, I think we got this joke wrong."

Where Are All the Vegetarian TV Shows?

Where Are All the Vegetarian TV Shows?
Chefs who'd rather not cook with meat for whatever reason shouldn't be made to feel like they're showing up with a rubber knife to a gunfight.

January 27, 2018 at 02:37AM
via Digg

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, “NO.”

I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”

He said, “OK.”

This is how politics works.

I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!

I googled "Rorschach Test"

But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting

I used to be addicted to Tide Pods...

But I’m clean now.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant...

The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!”

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where my damn money is!”

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”

The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase in my garage!”

The Godfather says, “Well!? What did he say?”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says to go fuck yourself. You don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Thứ Sáu, 26 tháng 1, 2018

What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?


How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex?

Call her.

Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

Why do foot fetishists never win?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

The Lost Art of Staying Put | Lucy Ellmann

The Lost Art of Staying Put | Lucy Ellmann
We've been fed a bunch of fake reasons to travel by evil geniuses determined to use up all the fossil fuels as fast as possible, so as to coerce us all into accepting nuclear power as soon as possible.

January 25, 2018 at 11:43PM
via Digg

What’s the difference?

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one? Interviewer: Brown one. Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black one? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which one? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other one? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black one’s mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one? Farmer: It’s also mine.

Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won’t touch anything that isn’t 10% off.

What's the hardest part about reading a Veterinarian book?

Putting it down

A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was pointing. Then he says "I'm impressed! I really can see your house from here! In fact, I even can tell that there are a man and a woman both naked on the balcony."

The shop owner, realising what was going on, says "Tell you what: You can keep this scope free of charge, if you shoot my wife in the head and that guy in the dick." And as he says it, he hands over two bullets to the marksman.

The marksman replies "I think I'll only need one, though."

Thứ Năm, 25 tháng 1, 2018

Talking about gender is like talking about the twintowers...

Once there were two and now its a sensitive topic.

A judge asks Mickey why he is divorcing Minnie

Judge: It says here that you’re ending this marriage because Minnie was extremely silly

Mickey: No, its because she’s fucking goofy

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk

When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Having a duck orgy at my house...

If anyone wants to come on down.

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

A highly successful Manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.

"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree". "Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the manager answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.

One of the poor fellows turned to the Manager and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours.

We just clicked.

A guy is drinking in a bar...

After his last drink, he tries to stand up and falls. He starts crawling out of the bar. He crawls out of the bar, he crawls in the street, trying to hold on to something, but each time he falls and he just keeps crawling home. He crawls up his stairs, he crawls to his bedroom, and finally he crawls into his bed next to his wife. The morning after, he wakes up to find his wife looking pissed off.

"Did you get wasted last night ? Again ?"

" No no no sweetie, what makes you say that ?"

" The bartender called, you forgot your f***ing weelchair there."

‪If I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan...

Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat. ‬

“This Is Serious”: Facebook Begins Its Downward Spiral

“This Is Serious”: Facebook Begins Its Downward Spiral
Facebook was always famous for the sign that hung in its offices, written in big red type on a white background, that said "Move Fast and Break Things." Every time I think about the company, I realize it has done just that — to itself.

January 25, 2018 at 12:05AM
via Digg

A man threw milk at me today

How fucking dairy

I once toured an mental asylum...

I definitely saw some people who clearly needed to be there and others that seem normal, I asked the asylum doctor/psychologist how they determine if someone is truly 'insane'.

'We fill a bath tub up with water and present the patient with a spoon, tea cup and a bucket. We then ask them to empty the tub of the water.'

'Oh I get it! A sane person would use a bucket because it holds the most water.'

'No, the sane person would pull the plug. Would you like a room with a window?"

My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

A pretty girl goes to the doctor..

A pretty girl in her early twenties went to the doctor. "What seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked.

Flustered and shy the girl replied "I have some pain urinating and there seems to be a constant itch down there."

"Alright, please take off your pants and panties and lie down on the bench."

She complied and did what she was told.

"Now spread your legs." The doctor said, who was standing on the other side of the room.

The beautiful young lady spread her legs.

The doctor then went to the corner of the room and grabbed a huge pole, about 7' long with a hook on its head.

The girl was overcome by fear and nerves and stammered "Oh, doctor! Wha-What are you going to do?!"

"Oh, just going to open the upper windows to let some fresh air in."

Thứ Tư, 24 tháng 1, 2018

Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will hurt you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the shed to take the bike out for a ride. But as he's about to pick it up, the bike jumps on Jonny and beats him up.

"Why did you do that?" Jonny asks the bicycle. "Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" it replies.

"But that's why i'm here, to take you for a ride"

So Jonny goes to pick up the bike, and again it jumps on him and beats him up.

"What the hell?" Says Jonny, "Why'd you beat me up again?"

"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" replies the bicycle.

"But that's what I'm about to do - take you out for a ride," says Jonny.

So again, Jonny goes to pick up the bike, and again, the bike jumps on him and beats him up.

"What the hell man, why'd you do that?" asks Jonny.

"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days", replies the bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.

She whispered, "They're behind you".

One last blow job

Some soldiers are deep in enemy lines and life's luck looks like it's about to run out. "Hey fellas before I die, I want one last blow job. Will one of you guys help me out?" The other soldiers are stunned. "No!" "Absolutely not!" "Go jack off or do what ever but we don't want any part of it!!" "Fine, I'll find some one who will." He climbs out of the trench, bullets raining past him as he runs forward into a another trench. Time passes and the soldiers think for sure he must have got hit and was dead, but just then, they see him stick his head out of the trench smoking a cigarette. He jumps out and casually strolls back to them. Once again bullets flying by. He jumps back down in the hole with the soldiers. "What the hell happened to you!?" The soldiers ask. "Fellas you wouldn't believe it. There was a nurse up there in that trench! We had sex in every position you can think of! It was glorious!!" One of the soldiers asks, "Well did you get your blow job then?" "No, I couldn't find her head!"

Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.

It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

I went to fill up my tires and it cost a dollar.

It used to cost a quarter but I guess that's inflation for you.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

1 in 3,000,000 have a chance of becoming a human being.

A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big...

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why not, to which she responds, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?”

Unhappy about the net neutrality repeal? You could move to Montana

Unhappy about the net neutrality repeal? You could move to Montana
Governor Steve Bullock has signed an executive order requiring ISPs with state contracts to treat all content equally.

January 23, 2018 at 07:14AM
via Digg

Wife: "I have blisters on my hands from the broom."

Husband: (trying to be playful) "Next time take the car, silly."

Why does the pope not want to be cremated?

Because he is still alive.

Linguistic Humor

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand  Trekked a lonely caravan.  Men on camels, two by two  Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went,  Met three whores in a pop up tent.  They was three, and we was two,  So I bucked one, and Timbuktu. 

God damned millennials!

Walking around like they rent the place.

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.

Thứ Ba, 23 tháng 1, 2018

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day...

Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

A man visits the dentist after doing 69

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, a man remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of Listerine mouthwash.

As he arrived at the dentist, he chewed 5 strong mints too.!

The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.

The dentist got close enough & said, "Man, did you have a 69 before you came here?"

The guy was shocked, and asked, "Does my breath smell like pussy?"

The dentist said, "No; your forehead smells like ass..!!"

A husband and wife were grocery shopping ...

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.

"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.

"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

"So does the Budweiser and it's half the price," retorts the husband.

He got the order wrong

Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?

I had a job where I had to put shredded cheese back together

It was the most degrating job I've ever had.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"

"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"

"Ummm... 10!" says the blonde.

"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history.

"OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

"Ummm... I don't know," the blonde admits.

"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.

So the blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. "Not only did I get the job," she says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"

I tried to force feed my child...

After a while my wife said “Just use a fucking spoon Mike, you’re not a Jedi”

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

The Man Who Made Black Panther Cool

The Man Who Made Black Panther Cool
Christopher Priest broke the color barrier at Marvel and reinvented a classic character. Why was he nearly written out of comics history?

January 22, 2018 at 09:53PM
via Digg

With the rise of self driving vehicles,

we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.

Three Bills at a bar

Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia where sitting at the bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exlaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He then sais:

"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

My 4 year old daughter saw me put a cucumber mask on.

She kept laughing and told me that she'll tell all her friends. The next day, I went to the supermarket with her to buy some stuff and a cucumber. My girl told the cashier,"I won't tell u where mummy puts this cucumber because she'll shout at me.”

Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof

He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.

A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
"Okay, what next?"

I was sitting at a bar last night

And this Asian looking fella sits down next to me and takes a sip of beer.

I glance over at him and ask if he knows any of those martial arts like Kung fu, or Karate or Ju Jitsu. He says no, WTF man!? Are you asking because I’m Chinese?

I said no, it’s because you’re drinking my beer.

Thứ Hai, 22 tháng 1, 2018

Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.

I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...

I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini".

We'll We'll We'll...

...if it isn't autocorrect...

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection...

Except Up. He’s never gonna give you Up.

The moon landings were faked…

But the director was such a perfectionist that he demanded they be filmed on location.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

I was feeling very lonely so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

The Minnesota Vikings walk into a bar

To watch the Super Bowl

A guy asked his wife, honey, why do I always get a boner when I'm looking in the mirror.

She replies, cuz your cock thinks you're a pussy too.


Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

"That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

"That's right Mary, you can go."

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

"That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

When the teacher turns her back Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb bitches would keep their f*%$#@ mouths shut!"

The teacher quickly turns around and she is livid and asks: "WHO SAID THAT?!"

Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein, Bill Clinton, and Matt Lauer. I'll see you tomorrow”

I had a tough conversation with my parents

Dad: knock knock

Me: who's there?

Dad: water

Me: water who?

Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.

I lost my voice today

I can't tell you how annoying it is.

The Invasion of the German Board Games

The Invasion of the German Board Games
Their peaceful premises and intricate rule systems are changing the way Americans play — and helping shape an industry in the process.

January 22, 2018 at 03:47AM
via Digg

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.

“Sorry about that” says Jack. “I just dragged him ‘round to 1 Oak Street”

A feminist group asked me how I view lesbians.

Apparently "in HD" wasn't the right answer.

I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night.

I asked him what on earth he was doing in there. All he said was, "I cum in peas"..

A lady to her parish priest..

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Why is the tower of Pisa tilted?

Because it had better reflexes than the Twin Towers.

Chủ Nhật, 21 tháng 1, 2018

Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my picture in it. Guess I am...


A blind prostitute told me that I have a big penis.

Turns out that she was just pulling my leg.

President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."

Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

What do Tide Pods taste like?

Natural Selection.

A man walks up to the pearly white gates of heaven

God looks down on him and speaks.

“We don’t know of anything particularily good or bad you have done in your lifetime, so it is up to you to tell us a story that will persuade us in a certain direction whether it be heaven or hell.”

The man looks up shakingly and responds with a story.

“One day when I was driving down a rural freeway, I saw a gang beating up a sensless child. Feeling brave, I popped my collar, put my sunglasses on and parked the car. Running out to them, I yelled ‘If you want to hurt him you’ll have to go through me first’ “

God smiled down on the man and asked.

“When was this?”

The man replied.

“Around 5 minutes ago.”

What's the hardest part about getting twenty one year olds drunk?

Slipping the booze into their baby bottles without the parents noticing

When I was young, my parents made me walk the plank..

We were too poor for a dog.

Toast of the Night

Dave O'Reilly was in the pub one night. When time came to give toasts, he hoisted his whiskey and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

Dave said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, me dear Davey that is very nice indeed!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Dave's drinking buddies, Frank Feldman on the street corner.

FranK chuckled leeringly and said,

"Dave won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

The deaf wife problem.

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?' Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

A gain he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response..

So he walks right up behind her. 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?'

'Damn it, Fred, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won’t win.

Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea

"I got an F in arithmetic."

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic." Father: "Why?" Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!" Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'" Father: "What's the fucking difference?" Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

Should English be the only official language of the EU?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Two statues, a man and woman, had stood watch in a park for along time.

One day, an angel came down and told the statues, "You two have stood watch in this park for so long and have been such exemplary statues, as a reward, I will snap my fingers, and you two will come to life for 30 minutes." The angel snapped his fingers, and the two statues blinked to life.

"What do we do now?" Asked the female statue.

"You can do whatever you want for the next 30 minutes."

The male statue looked at the woman and smiled, the woman looked coyly at the man, they took hands and walked into the bushes. The angel sat on a bench and could hear giggling and rustling sounds coming from the bushes.

After about 15 minutes, they came out with very satisfied looks on their faces. The angel checked his watch and said, "you've still got about 15 minutes."

The woman's eyes brightened, and she looked excitedly at her male partner.

"That's fantastic! This time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on his head!"

Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?

Welcome to the shutdown...

I wanted to fuck my neighbors wife

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbor next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said: "I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."

At that moment, I just had a brilliant idea.

"Don't sweat it, neighbor! I'm on vacation and painting walls is my favorite hobby! It would be a pleasure to do this task."

The guy accepted the offer and was really happy.

I don't want to brag about my conversation skills, but I barely started to paint the apartment and I already had that woman in bed with me.

But, bad luck... We were just starting and I did not expect the husband to forget his documents and that, for that reason, he had to return home at that specific moment.

The woman, listening to her husband opening the door, runs to the bathroom, and the guy enters the room and finds me, naked, at the top of the ladder, giving a few strokes on the wall.

Screaming, he asked,

-"What the fuck is this? ... You started painting in my bedroom, and naked?" -"Fuck you, I'm working for free, so I start wherever I want!" -"But naked? ..." -"You really wanted me to stain my new clothes with paint?" -"And with a boner, you son of a bitch?" -"And where am I going to hang the fucking bucket asshole ?! ..."

How The Women's March Has Evolved A Year Later

How The Women's March Has Evolved A Year Later
A deluge of revelations about powerful men abusing women, leading to the #MeToo moment, has galvanized activists to demand deeper social and political change.

January 21, 2018 at 01:43AM
via Digg

The Two Nuns

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. But the man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the pair split up, with Sister Mathematical heading towards the convent and Sister Logical running away from it. Making a quick decision, the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. But a few short minutes later, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.....

Genie: Tell Me, Whats Your First Wish?

Thomas: I Wish I Was Rich.

Genie: Granted, What's Your Second Wish?

Rich: Where The Fuck Is My Money Asshole?

Son: "Dad, how high is that building?"

Building: "Why am I called a building if I'm already built?"

Dad: "Pretty damn high."

Thứ Bảy, 20 tháng 1, 2018

I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it again):

After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"

Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.

He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"

The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. 

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain."

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. 

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, and Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts: "I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!!"

Donald Trump, what's 2+2?

I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy, but he's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me.

How do you fix a government....?

Try turning them off and then on again...

You know who gives kids a bad name?

Kim and Kanye, for one.

A man walks into a bear

The bear says "unfortunate typo" and eats him

Tide announced the new motto for their pods line.

Cleaning the gene pool since 2017.

City Of Los Angeles Announces Graphic Designer Job Opening With An Extremely Clever Ad

City Of Los Angeles Announces Graphic Designer Job Opening With An Extremely Clever Ad
​If the aim of a good ad is to reach a wide number of people for cheap and to make a lasting impression, then this is a very good ad.

January 19, 2018 at 10:02PM
via Digg

So a guy asked a girl in a library

A guy asked a girl in a library: Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice: I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU! All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right? The guy responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ears: I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.

An Australian ventriloquist visiting Afghanistan, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!"

How do you grab the attention of a pervert?

A NSFW tag.

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Did you hear about the dyslexic racist?

He hates gingers.

A barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs. Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years.

I had no idea he was a barber

Thứ Sáu, 19 tháng 1, 2018

99 little bugs in the code

99 little bugs. Take one down, pass it around, 483 little bugs in the code!

My psychologist told me this morning that they are working on a cure for dyslexia...

It was like music to my arse...

A husband died.

A few years later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: turns in gun and badge

My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

The only thing flat-earthers have to fear...

is sphere itself.

A Jewish Father was very upset by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

"Rabbi, I brought my son up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah, and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then, he tells me last week that he's decided to be Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

The Rabbi rubs his beard and says: "Funny you should come to me. I too brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to University, and it cost me a fortune for his education. Then after he's done, he comes to me and says that he wants to be Christian."

"What did you do?" the man asked the Rabbi.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.

"Well, what did he say?" asked the man.

He said, "Funny you should come to me....."

Never iron a four leaf clover.

You don't want to press your luck.

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind.

Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.

The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?

Husband: She is playing on the roof.

The Fall of Travis Kalanick Was a Lot Weirder and Darker Than You Thought

The Fall of Travis Kalanick Was a Lot Weirder and Darker Than You Thought
Silicon Valley CEOs are supposed to be sacrosanct. So how did it all go wrong at Uber?

January 18, 2018 at 10:59PM
via Digg

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to deter gents.

So a boy asks his father what's an alcoholic

The father says, "see those 4 trees over there? An alcoholic would see 8 trees" The boy replies, "but dad, I only see two trees!"

A man is showing off his new apartment...

After a night at the bar, he brings his friends up, where he has large brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with the gong and mallet?" One of his friends asked.

"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," the man replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?"


"How's it work?" The friend asked

"Watch," said the man. He picked up the mallet and banged the gong as hard as he could, stepping back as the pound reverberated around the room.

The friends looked at the man, rather confused.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall started screaming "You bastard! It's 3 in the morning!"

From Nazi Germany to Australia: The Incredible True Story of History’s Longest Kayak Journey

From Nazi Germany to Australia: The Incredible True Story of History’s Longest Kayak Journey
This is the story of Oscar Speck’s voyage, a seven-and-a-half-year adventure nearly lost to history.

January 18, 2018 at 08:41AM
via Digg

Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they're cold?

Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.

Thứ Năm, 18 tháng 1, 2018

The evolution of tide pods

In 2017 tids pods cleaned clothes but in 2018 it cleans the gene pool

Why are hot dogs the weirdest dogs?

Because most of them are inbred.

What makes a girl go "Mmmmmmmmmm"?

Duct Tape.

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

A man walks into a Bar.

A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, “May I buy you a cocktail?”

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt...

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

People who eat Tide Pods are idiots.

The Costco brand pods are half the price. Just saying.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

Why Has Bitcoin Tumbled Almost 50% From Its Peak Last Month? A Few Theories

Why Has Bitcoin Tumbled Almost 50% From Its Peak Last Month? A Few Theories
Is this the sound of a bubble bursting, or is it just a normal correction inspired by the forthcoming Lunar New Year? Here's what you need to know.

January 18, 2018 at 02:43AM
via Digg

Old man at a nursing home.

There was an old man in a nursing home who had felt lonely since his wife had passed. and everyday he would sit at the same bench and stare at the trees in the yard.

And elderly woman walked up to him one day and began to talk to him. She heard his story and was saddened and asked if there was anything she could do to cheer him up. "actually" the man spoke "you could hold my penis"

At first the lady thought this was strange but she figured since she wasnt doing anything bad; just holding his penis, that theres no harm done.

Day after day shed meet the guy and hold his penis and they would talk for hours on end. She began to enjoy the time and thought nothing about the penis holding.

One day she went to the spot to find that the man was not there. For the next week she didnt see her friend at the bench and began to worry. She found a worker and asked "did he pass away?" scared for the answer. The worker responded "Oh, No! He's been by the pool side everyday for about a week now."

The elderly lady didn't quite understand why but she walked over to the pool house to find him. Once she got there she saw him sitting next to the pool with another woman holding his penis! She was irate!

"What's this?" she yelled at him "Was my company not good enough for you? What does this girl have that i don't?"

The man looked up with a smile and said one word "parkinsons"

Thứ Tư, 17 tháng 1, 2018

Why can communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass...

Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.

"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree".

"Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the manager answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was.

One of the poor fellows turned to the Manager and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

What was so wrong with USA...

...that they had to go and make USB?

How do you make a small fortune from investing in Bitcoin?

Start off by investing a large fortune in Bitcoin.

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many',

and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint.....

when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"

The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink.

The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?"

The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink.

The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you."

The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"

What a horrible way to die

Two guys meet up in a bar.

The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!

" "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

Doctor- “I’ve got good news and bad news...

“Take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life and all your symptoms will disappear.”

Man- “That’s great! But I see there are only three pills in this bottle.”

Doctor- “Yeah, well... I was getting to the bad news.”

Make the little things count

Teach midgets math

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

I was in a job interview when the manager handed me his laptop and says “I want you to try to sell this to me”

So I closed it, put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said, “You bring it back here right now” I said, “$100 and it’s yours”.

Each president has subconsciously affected the porn industry in various ways [NSFW]

During the Clinton era, infidelity and work place scenarios became really popular.

During the Bush years, the demand for "dumb blonde" types hit an all time high.

During Obama's presidency, the interracial genre took off.

And recently, incest porn has become really popular.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii IS the early warning system.

Here's The Terribly-Designed Computer Menu That Led To Hawaii's False Missile Alarm

Here's The Terribly-Designed Computer Menu That Led To Hawaii's False Missile Alarm
While the alert was a massive, massive screwup, there doesn't appear to be anything nefarious behind it — other than truly awful design.

January 16, 2018 at 09:01PM
via Digg

I almost had sex with a Hawaiian...

But I ended up prematurely evacuating.

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side!"

I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

Computer virus are no joke

I used to have a girlfriend but she ransomware.

I WannaCry now... ;(

Thứ Ba, 16 tháng 1, 2018

Isis sent me a sex doll today

It's great! It blows it self up.

Someone gave me a book on anger Management

I lost it

You know what is brave? Running against a wall completely naked with a boner.

You know what is embarrassing? Breaking your nose doing it.

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend...

Then I saw the next two letters...

Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?

Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4

A Rottweiler, Pit Bull, and Great Dane are in kennels at the vet.

The Rott says "my owner's kid got close to my bowl while I was eating so I bit her face. I'm here to be put down."

The Pit says "I keep getting nervous and pissing all over the carpet. My owner's sick of it and I'm here to be put down."

The Dane says "My owner is a beautiful 22 year old college student. One day she got out of the shower and was bending over to dry off. I couldn't help myself so I mounted her and fucked her brains out."

The other dogs shake their heads "so she's putting you down too."

The Dane looks surprised. "What? No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed."

The opposite of an assassin is

a dickdickout

You know what separates the men from the boys?

Social services.

I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas

It was motherfucking gold.

I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. “Get your lips off my wife,”

I snapped pulling him off her. “But sir, I’m not kissing her!” He pleaded. “She’s stopped breathing.”

“Do I need to repeat myself?

My Father tells this one at every family get together. (Apologies in advance if that has been posted here already)

So Mrs. Rodgers is a 3rd grade English teacher, and each Monday she gives her students a new vocabulary word. The students' task is to come up with a sentence using the new vocabulary word by the following day. This week the word is "contagious."

So Tuesday morning rolls around and Mrs. Rodgers starts off: "OK class, who wants to share the sentence they came up with using the word 'contagious'?"

Everyone's hands shoot up. Mrs. Rodgers says "Oh my goodness, I love the enthusiasm, but we only have time for 3 pupils to share."

Mrs. Rodgers first calls on Suzy. Suzy responds with the sentence "My Dad has had the flu for the past week! My mother says not go near him because he is contagious!" Mrs. Rodgers applauds Suzy and gives her a gold star for the day.

Mrs. Rodgers then says "OK class, who wants to share next?" Again everyone's hands shoot up. "Heather!" Mrs. Rodgers exclaims, "why don't you share your sentence with the class?" Heather responds: "I went to see the Minion movie last weekend, and this old man kept laughing so loudly, and whenever he laughed, I laughed as well. His laugh was so contagious!" Mrs. Rodgers applauds Heather and gives her a gold star for the day.

Mrs. Rodgers then states "OK class, we have time for one more student to share their sentence." Once again everyone's hand shoots up. Mrs. Rodgers spots little Liam in the back of the classroom raising his hand, and, being a foreign exchange student from Dublin, he had a brogue which made him self conscious of speaking in class. He rarely spoke in class so Mrs. Rodgers jumped at the opportunity for him to participate. Mrs. Rodgers immediately called on little Liam: "Ah, Liam! What sentence would you like to share with us today?"

Liam responds: "Oh ya see, me and me father like to go on walks every now and again. Well last week we were going for a walk around our neighborhood, ya see, and we spot this woman. She's painting her picket fence with a beautiful coat of white, but for some reason, she's using this wee little paint brush. My father he says to me 'now why is that woman painting that fence with such a wee little brush? That's gonna take the cunt ages!'"

I suggested my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back..

Apparently it was an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

Here's The Vikings' Unbelievable, Last-Second Game-Winning Touchdown Over The Saints

Here's The Vikings' Unbelievable, Last-Second Game-Winning Touchdown Over The Saints
The Minnesota Vikings looked finished, until Case Keenum and Stefon Diggs pulled off the impossible.

January 15, 2018 at 08:37AM
via Digg

My girlfriend is a famous pornstar

She'll kill me if she finds out.

Thứ Hai, 15 tháng 1, 2018

What’s the difference between Kim jong un and dominoes ?

Dominoes can deliver a crispy Hawaiian in less than 30 minutes

We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

Most people are shocked when they find out

How incompetent I am as an electrician

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on only one book for years?

The Church

Last night I was attacked by a gang of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.

Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).

Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.

My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging. Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her.

But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.

A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised. But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone.

It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.