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Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.

Thứ Bảy, 21 tháng 7, 2018

My ADD always beats me when I’m trying to do my homework.

The dyslexia doesn’t help either.

Thứ Sáu, 20 tháng 7, 2018

Paddy broke his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin'?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

They say the brain is the most important part of the body...

But think about who’s telling us that.

An ugly guy enters a bar with a big grin on his face.

“Why are you so happy?” ask the bartender.

“Well”, the man answers, “I live close to the railroad tracks and when I got home last night I saw a woman laying there, tied down. So I untied her, brought here inside and then I banged her all night ... until the morning light."

“I can tell you are a romantic" the bartender replies. "And did she also give you a blowjob?"

"Nah" says the man,"I did look for it but found no head"

My friend told me he lost 20 lbs after one visit to the bathroom

Turned out he was full of shit

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!"

What are gay Triceratops into?

Tricerabottoms.

We had a band in High School called 1023 Megabytes.

We never made it to a gig.

I told my friend to subscribe to r/jokes.

He said, “But the jokes are garbage.”

I said, “They aren’t garbage, they’re recycled!”

Make sure you're viagra says Made in the USA

You don't want the Russians meddling in your erections

How to Survive America's Kill List


How to Survive America's Kill List
When a US citizen heard he was on his own country's drone target list, he wasn't sure he believed it. After five near-misses, he does – and is suing the United States to contest his own execution.

July 20, 2018 at 12:01AM
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How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It takes two, very tiny people, to screw, in a lightbulb.

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian..

then soviet

By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.

"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.

"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.

"It was a dictatorship."

Thứ Năm, 19 tháng 7, 2018

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body in combination with smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving such a lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

My wife has left me because I'm a gambler.

How can I win her back?

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

Why are christians not able to do trigonometry?

Because Jesus took away their sin.

If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together

would they call it Amazon Web Services?

I don’t get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I’m already on Stage 4

Bad experience buying a dog from a Blacksmith

as soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door.

Wife Missing?

The first thing a grieving husband should do is CALL THE COPS!

Husband: "My wife of 15 years is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!" Sheriff: "Height?" Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall." Sheriff: "Weight?" Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat." Sheriff: "Color of eyes?" Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed." Sheriff: "Color of hair?" Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember." Sheriff: "What was she wearing?" Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly." Sheriff: "What kind of car did she go in?" Husband: "She went in my truck." Sheriff: "What kind of truck was it?" Husband: "A 2016 Brilliant Diesel Grey Pearlcoat Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4 l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, backup and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting." At this point the husband started choking up. Sheriff: "Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!!!"

(Thanks to Ron P.)

A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.

"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."

A Bus filled with Catholic School girls droves off a cliff

A bus filled with Catholic school girls goes off a cliff and they all die. 

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Erica, have you ever had any contact with a penis? She giggles and shyly replies, "I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Sarah, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

Suddenly there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Ashley, What is going on here?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

Why was Donald Trump watching the Summer Olympics?

To see how high the Mexican pole vaulters could go

Elon Musk Gives Half-Assed Apology to Cave Diver He Called a Pedophile


Elon Musk Gives Half-Assed Apology to Cave Diver He Called a Pedophile
Musk's half-hearted apology came in the form of a response to another person's tweet. That tweet defends Musk's actions in Thailand and claims that "journalism is dead." The tweet also links out to a Quora post that describes media coverage of Musk as a "fake news" conspiracy.

July 19, 2018 at 12:18AM
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What classic game do Hawaiian kids love the most?

The floor is lava.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.

He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What’s in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens.

The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.

Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

Thứ Tư, 18 tháng 7, 2018

Called my wife the other day from work: “BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS”

Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old

I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...

I thought it'd be a piece of cake...

“Son I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime”

Son: “Why was it something I said?”

Dad: “Yes.”

Two black guys are walking down the street and see a sign that says turn white for $75

Black guy one: "Do you think it will work?

Black guy two: "Only one way to find out."

BG1: "I only have $50"

BG2: "Well, I have $100, I'll go do it then give you my change

BG1: "Let's do it then"

BG2 goes in and fifteen minutes later comes out white as a ghost, wearing a brand new suit and carrying briefcase.

BG1: "Holy shit it actually worked! Let me get that $25"

BG2: "Fuck you, nigger. Get a job."

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back.

It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.

What do you call a cow spying on another cow?

A steak out

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives.

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

A married couple are in bed one morning.

"I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for $100 each and thick dicks were going for $200.”

“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”

“They were giving dicks like yours away for free,” says the wife.

“That’s funny, actually,” he replies, “because I had a dream that I was at a vagina auction. Juicy cunts were going for $500 and tight cunts were going for a grand.”

“How about mine?” asks the wife.

“That’s where they were holding the auction.”

How do you say " 'sup dawg" in Japanese?

Konichihuahua

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

(OC) A Hippie walks by a businessman...

A Hippie is walking by and sees a businessman looking over some construction that had been started on a plot of land. The Hippie is alarmed and exclaims "What are you doing?!"

The businessman responds by saying that this piece of land was bought by his company. The land was good and the foundation was perfect for a storefront, and his crew would be here shortly. The Hippie tells him that he can't build on this plot of land because it's magical! The businessman is skeptical so the Hippie points at the rock on the far side of the land, where the businessman has yet to build anything.

"You see that rock?"

"Yeah, so what?" says the businessman.

"That rock used to be on the left side of the land. Now it's in the back"

The businessman doesn't get the big deal.

The hippie goes, "Well, how do you think that happened?"

The Businessman says "Well, obviously someone moved the rock"

The hippie laughs and challenges the businessman to move it. So they go over to the rock and the businessman gets ready to pick it up. He can't. He tries rolling it, he can't. As the businessman fails to move this rock, the Hippie tells him "I told you, this plot of land is magical. Only I can move this rock."

The businessman is in disbelief. "How the hell can you move this rock? It's impossible to budge!"

The Hippie says "The only way to move the rock is with my orgasm"

The businessman is disgusted. "I don't believe you. This is my land, I don't care about a stupid rock! I'll get someone from my construction crew to move it for me!"

The Hippie just laughs and says "Let me show you"

The Hippie whips his dick out and starts stroking it. The businessman can't believe the Hippie is doing this, but he can't look away. Soon the Hippie gets ready to orgasm and the businessman is completely mesmerized now. As the Hippie cums, the whole ground shakes, it becomes too blurry for the businessman to even see what's happening! But he feels the piece of land rotate 90 degrees. By the time the Hippie finishes cumming, the plot of land has stopped moving and both the Hippie and businessman are on the right side of the land, along with the rock. The businessman is amazed, almost speechless.

The Hippie zips up and says "Do you believe me now?"

The businessman regains his composure and finally says "The foundation was good and the climax had me hooked... but I did not see that plot-twist cumming!"

What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marx-man

George Soros Bet Big On Liberal Democracy. Now He Fears He Is Losing


George Soros Bet Big On Liberal Democracy. Now He Fears He Is Losing
His enemies paint him as all-powerful, but the billionaire philanthropist believes that his political legacy has never been in greater jeopardy.

July 17, 2018 at 07:58PM
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Victoria's Secret has launched a revolutionary new bra, "Croatia"

..it has lot's of support but no cup

Going to Hell for this one

Hitler and Mussolini came back from the dead and were sitting in a bar in TX, because why not? This drunk redneck hears them making plans of picking up where they left off.

He hears Hitler say, "So the plan is to round up all the Jews in Hollywood, DC, and Israel; get them all together along with ten puppies and drop a bomb right on that spot."

The Texan asks, "But wait, why the Hell would you want to kill the ten puppies?"

Hitler nudges Mussolini "See, I told you. Nobody cares about the Jews."

Edit: spelling

Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

Thứ Ba, 17 tháng 7, 2018

If a person who stutters goes to jail

Would he finish the sentence?

My wife was going through her wardrobe when she squealed, "Look at this! It still fits me after 25 years!"

I grumbled, "It's a fucking scarf!"

When a women removes polish with chemicals,no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

what's the best way to instantly blend into a crowd?

suicide vest

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave...

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”

He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

Never choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough. After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress. One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shook her head no.

Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.

The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table.

His partner said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she’s HIV Positive?

Try to act surprised

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his finger into his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed under the skin of my forearm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. Japan has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their mobile systems placed in my hand."

The Russian felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He exited to the bathroom stalls and returned a few seconds later with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Russian finally said-"Well, well, well comrades- it appears that SOMEBODY is receiving a fax!"

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland...

The Texan clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers and says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

The Anthony Bourdain Interview


The Anthony Bourdain Interview
"I find, again and again, just by spending the time, by asking very simple questions, people have said the most astonishing things to me."

July 16, 2018 at 08:43PM
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Today I discovered someone had stolen my activation for Microsoft Office...

I don't know who you are but I will find you, you have my word.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask him to pronounce "unionized"

Why do you not make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Because she is thick and tired of it.

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."

Father: "Why?"

Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"

Father: "But that's right!"

Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"

Father: "What's the fucking difference?"

Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

Thứ Hai, 16 tháng 7, 2018

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," says the bartender.

Putin asks Trump "What's 2+2?"

I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Angela Merkel, now she's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. She's a nice gal, but she's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. She's like a computer! You know what I mean? She's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me.

My wife asked me what I'm posting on Reddit...

I tell her that they /r/jokes...

I won my first cage fight last night...

Fucking Parrot didn't know what hit it.

A kid asks his grandmother "How come ive never seen you and grandpa fight?..."

/ - ... I see mom and dad fight from time to time, but ive never seen you and grandaddy fight... why is that?

/ - Well, says the grandma, we got married in the old church in the middle of town, after the marriage ceremony, we hopped on our horse carriage, it was a long time ago when horse carriages where still a thing, and cars where just starting to come around... And we went our way to our farm, that was a bit away from town, but half way there, the horse stopped, and it refused to start walking again, so your grandpa got down, stood in front of the horse, looked it directly at his eyes and said "one".

/ - He got up on the carriage again, and the horse started walking, i thought that would be it, but then a few miles ahead, the horse again stopped and refused to keep walking, the horse was not tired, or thirsty or hungry, he was just being stubborn!, so your grandpa got down, stood in front of the horse looked directly at his eyes, and said "TWO", he hopped on and we continued our way, with the horse walking again.

/ - When we where almost at the farm, the horse decided to stop again, and wouldnt walk, your grandpa, he got down, looked the horse directly in its eyes, and as he said THREE! he pulled out his gun and he shot the horse right between the eyes.

/ - For a second i was just stunned, he calmly started walking towards the carriage and i started yelling at him!, WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?, WHY DID YOU DO THAT FOR?, NOW HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET THE CARRIAGE TO THE FARM?, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SHOOT THE HORSE!!!", he looked me directly at my eyes, and said, "one".

What do you call it when a shark is sassy?

Sharkasm

A guy walking into a bar

 sees an old man fishing in a puddle off the sidewalk.

“Poor Old fool,” he thought. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. I'm not going to say that, even if they won't give us anything to drink", replied Joe.

They go up and knock on the door, a Muslim man with a smile on his face answers the door, "yes, how may I help you?".

"Hello, I'm Muhammed and this is Joe. We were wondering if we could have something to eat and drink", asked Roger.

"Why, of course! Joe, we will bring you some food, and for you, Muhammed, it is Ramadan and we won't be breaking our fast until sundown".

Dating a chick with 12 nipples sounds funny...

Dozen tit?

Dear Brits: We have received your ultimatum and have scrounged for the ransom...

...but we could only come up with half.

Feel free to drop him off somewhere over the Atlantic. Thanks! ~ The US

France Seal Second World Cup Triumph With 4-2 Win Over Croatia


France Seal Second World Cup Triumph With 4-2 Win Over Croatia
France are champions of the world for a second time, after defeating Croatia 4-2 in the World Cup final at the Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow.

July 16, 2018 at 12:04AM
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“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

I had my leg x-rayed today.

The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"

By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"

The doctor replied "披萨卷披萨卷2.54披萨卷"

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

Chủ Nhật, 15 tháng 7, 2018

I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me.

He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

Racist jokes are like white people.

They are the best.

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

If you sin 90 times, you will only get caught 50% of the time...

Because sin90 = cot45.

I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay.

They arrested me.

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

What do a grenade and a woman have in common?

You remove the ring and your whole house is gone.

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”.

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.

You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl

Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

If I see one more asshole texting and driving...

I’m going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.

The Secret History Of Marxist Alien Hunters


The Secret History Of Marxist Alien Hunters
In case you missed it — and there's a lot of weird stuff going on, so it makes sense that some things would slip through the cracks — aliens exist.

July 14, 2018 at 11:48PM
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They say you are what you eat...

today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

I have the heart of a lion, the dick of a horse,

and a lifetime ban from the city zoo.

A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery. Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…..”

Thứ Bảy, 14 tháng 7, 2018

I met a Jewish girl today.

She asked for my number. I told her we use names here.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask him to pronounce "unionized"

If a woman thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach...

She’s aiming a little too high.

I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend

Love meant nothing to her

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

Why does Ariel wear seashells?

Because B were too small and D were too large

I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

My four favorite things

My four favorite things are chicken pot pie and omitting commas.

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

Only anti-vaxxers will get this

Measles

Why did the Mexican take Xanax

For Hispanic attacks

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.

2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

I was feeling very lonely the other day so I bought some stocks.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

12 Russian Intelligence Officers Indicted in Hacking Tied to the Clinton Campaign


12 Russian Intelligence Officers Indicted in Hacking Tied to the Clinton Campaign
Rod J. Rosenstein, the deputy attorney general, on Friday announced new charges against 12 Russian intelligence officers accused of hacking the Democratic National Committee and the Clinton presidential campaign.

July 13, 2018 at 11:19PM
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Why can't a dyslexic be a witch?

You need to be good at spelling.

A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"

I was walking with my wife and we came across her mother being beaten up by six guys.

My wife said aren't you going to help? I said nah, six should be enough.

Thứ Sáu, 13 tháng 7, 2018

Dads are like boomerangs

I hope

When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend...

Then I saw the next two letters...

What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is?

Widow.

Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones that go to school

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’

Why does the military stockpile hydrochloric acid?

To neutralize their enemy's strongest bases.

A man tells his blonde girlfriend that his scalp is itchy.

Worried, she calls her mother and asks what to do. She replies calmly, “Just give him some Head & Shoulders.” She agrees, but calls back about 30 minutes later, “Umm... how do you give someone shoulders?”

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

My 3 Favorite Things

My 3 favorite things are the Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities

Two Irishmen have a bright idea...

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy,

"I'm gonna get the day off. I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!"

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: "Paddy, go home. You've gone mad."

So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.

"Where do you think you're going?" asks the foreman.

"Well, I can't work in the friggin dark!" said Murphy.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. We are efficient and not funny.

"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Dave." "Dave who?"

Dave begins to sob uncontrollably as he realises his mother's dementia has worsened.

The Most Important Video Game on the Planet


The Most Important Video Game on the Planet
Since it launched in July of last year, "Fortnite" has risen to become the most important video game currently in existence — obsessed over by rappers and athletes, hotly debated in high-school cafeterias, and played by 125 million people.

July 12, 2018 at 10:48PM
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A wife was preparing a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when he suddenly burst into the kitchen. “Careful!” he said.

“Careful! Put in some more butter! Oh, my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once! “Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! Now! We need more butter! Oh, my gosh! They’re going to stick! “Slow things down a bit! Careful! Careful! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! “Right, turn them! Hurry up! Turn them now! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! USE THE SALT! USE THE SALT!” The wife stared at him in disbelief. “What the heck is wrong with you? Do you think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband replied calmly, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

An old man tells his doctor that his wife never has an orgasm while they are having sex.

The doctor suggests that perhaps she is overheating. So when the man gets home he asks his young and good-looking gardener to assist by waving a towel to cool off his wife while they are having sex. The gardener is reluctant but agrees. While the couple is having sex, the gardener frantically waves the towel to cool off the woman, but she does not have an orgasm. The old man suggests that he and the gardener switch places. Again the gardener is reluctant, but agrees, and makes wild love to the woman. The woman reaches a screaming climax like none she has ever had in her entire life. The old man turns to the gardener and says, "And THAT, young man, is how you wave a towel!"

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could respond, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a little smile, Sally's mother asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty."

A Jewish businessman decided to send his son to Israel...

A Jewish businessman decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...

Thứ Năm, 12 tháng 7, 2018

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth...

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

It's okay password...

...I'm insecure too...

Square testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'

'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that way, up and down, turned it around, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland '

I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year...

All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.

My wife told me that "sex is better on holiday".

Not the best postcard I've ever received.

Don't you just hate it when med students call themselves doctors?

I mean you don't see engineering students calling themselves engineers or arts students calling themselves baristas

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?”

Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!"

My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

I explained, “Because...he’s my newt!"

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishmen

None.

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

I told my brother, "My wife ran off yesterday with my best friend Joe."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then said. "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

What's the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.

What's the difference between England and Viagra?

Viagra can get you past a semi

How To Start Knitting (And Learn To Love It)


How To Start Knitting (And Learn To Love It)
You don't even need that special crafting gene or superhuman dexterity.

July 12, 2018 at 12:23AM
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What do you get when you mix LSD and a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids

Welcome to Masturbation Addicts Anonymous!

I see everyone came today, which is disappointing.

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher:

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

Thứ Tư, 11 tháng 7, 2018

An attractive woman is in bed with her secret lover.

She hears her husband come home unexpectedly and tells her naked lover to jump into the wardrobe and hides his clothes. The husband walks into the bedroom to find his wife reading. “Hello honey, I got off work early and went to the gym, I desperately need a shower”. He opened the wardrobe door to get a towel and saw the naked man standing there smiling at him. “Good afternoon sir, I’m your friendly neighbourhood moth catcher” said the guy. The husband looks at him and screams “But you’re naked”. The naked man look up and down his body in surprise and says “The hungry little bastards”

If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me unattractive

They’d soon find me attractive

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

I'm a virgin by choice!

Just not my choice.

I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....

Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results

Why do Paedophiles never win races?

They like to come in a little behind...

[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the poop deck and a seagull pooped in me eye!”

“A seagull pooped in your eye? That can’t take an eye out.”

“Arrr, but you’ve got to remember, it was the first day with the hook.”

A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident

He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"

The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

A so cute woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door...

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Amid Japan’s Flood Devastation, Survivors Dig Out


Amid Japan’s Flood Devastation, Survivors Dig Out
The city of Kurashiki is usually considered one of the safest in Japan, sheltered from most natural disasters. After the 2011 earthquake and tsunami on Japan’s northeastern coast, some moved to this area seeking safety.

July 10, 2018 at 08:18AM
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What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

There is no "f" in lieutenant

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”

“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”

“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”

“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant.”

A man is washing his car with his son...

...after a while the boy says to his Father “Dad, why can’t we just use a sponge?”

David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on.

Agent: Sure David. No hassle.

What's the difference between IKEA and Theresa May?

A cabinet designed by IKEA doesn't fall apart so easily.

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.

Thứ Ba, 10 tháng 7, 2018

A business man met a beautiful woman and agreed to spend the night with her for $800.

So they did.

Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to beautiful woman, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.

I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied

2) that there was plenty of heat

3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.

Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, you probably did not push the right buttons to turn on the heat..

As for the space, the apartment is, indeed, extremely cozy, but if you obviously did not have furniture of the right size to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

When a dog is on heat, it means it wants sex.

That's my defense.

After 3 years, the wife starts to think...

...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diapers and you said, “Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"

She replied "Of course!"

"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."

That’s a nice ham you’ve got there...

It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end...

I'm 95% vegan now...

Basically, I'm vegan all the time. Except when I'm eating

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

...when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

The use of capitals can really change the meaning of a sentence

Example:

I like to eat candy

I like to eat capitals

Want to see all the decimal digits of Pi?

They are {0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9}, and there are no others!

What If Trump Has Been A Russian Asset Since 1987?


What If Trump Has Been A Russian Asset Since 1987?
Suppose we are currently making the same mistake we made at the outset of this drama — suppose the dark crevices of the Russia scandal run not just a little deeper but a lot deeper.

July 10, 2018 at 12:47AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2ukELhu

A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime."

Father: "Government or private sector?"

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he's not coming.

Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA?

Because the French had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.

Thứ Hai, 9 tháng 7, 2018

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

I called in sick this morning on account of diarrhea.

My boss told me to get my shit together.

A man has been getting chronic headaches...

...and after seeing specialist after specialist, one finally determines that the cause comes from his testicles being compressed. Unfortunately, the specialist tells him that the only solution at this time is to remove his testicles, or else he'll just continue having horrible headaches.

The man ponders this devestatingly difficult decision, but ultimately decides that, while it may be a steep price to pay, removing his testicles would be worth it in order to stop these headaches.

After the procedure, the man, much to his relief, finally stops having headaches. However, without his testicles, he starts to get slightly depressed.

He goes back to see the specialist, asking if there's anything to be done.

The specialist is tells the man this is common, and in this situation, before prescribing antidepressants, he likes to send his patients to his friend, the tailor.

"He's amazing!" the specialist says. "He can size you up just by looking at you! He's never been wrong, and you'll feel like a new man!"

Deciding he has nothing to lose, the man goes to see the tailor.

Walking into the tailor's shop, the man sees some of the finest and sharpest suits he'd ever seen. This was already making him feel better.

"Welcome!" said the tailor. "What can I do for you today?"

The man says "I need a new suit to feel like a new man."

"Ah yes. Well, I'm sure we can get you sorted out right away" the tailor says. "First things first, let's get you measured."

The tailor then just stared at the man for about thirty seconds before saying, "You are clearly 5'10"

"Correct," the man says, mildly impressed.

"And you have a 42 chest."

"That's correct!" the man exclaims.

"And your sleeve length is 32"

"Correct again! Amazing!"

"And you have a 33 waist"

"Right on the nose!"

"And of course a 33 inseam on your pants as well."

"Oh, so close! I wear a 32 inseam" the man says, still impressed.

"No definitely not." The tailor argues. "If you had been wearing a 32 inseam with a 33 waist, it would be compressing your testicles, giving you horrible headaches."

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night.

So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
 
 
 
(I'll see myself out.)

This NYPD Officer Reported Sexual Harassment. Then She Was Forced Into Rehab


This NYPD Officer Reported Sexual Harassment. Then She Was Forced Into Rehab
"I wanted the world to know what was going on inside the police department."

July 9, 2018 at 06:36PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2NCc88h

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face,...

...as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

I can’t help but think that porn has given me unrealistic expectations of actual sex...

For example, having it with another person.

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones

but people in ABU DHABI DOOOO

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow."

A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"

The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The mobster puts a pistol to the accountant's head. "Ask him again!"

The interpreter signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

"Okay, okay!" the accountant signs back. "The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard!"

"What'd he say?" asks the don.

"He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks "hard back?"

The guy replies "yeah little heads too."

How many "friend-zones" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.

Cartoonist found dead in his home.

Details are sketchy.

A cop is sitting by the highway in his patrol car.

Suddenly, a Mercedes goes screaming past at twenty over the speed limit. The officer turns on the sirens and races after the speeder.

When its driver sees the police cruiser, the Mercedes pulls over without incident. The officer goes up to its window, expecting to find a rich kid out for a joyride. He’s surprised to find that the driver is a doddering old woman who can barely see over the steering wheel.

“Do you know how fast you were going?” asks the officer.

The old lady gives him a sweet smile. “Officer, I was just going the speed limit. I never went even a smidgen over eighty-four.”

The police officer scratches his head. “Eighty-four? The speed limit here is sixty!”

“Oh, but those lovely signs all up and down the interstate say we should be going 84! But no one else seems to follow them...”

The cop sighs. “Ma’am, that’s the interstate number. You’re on I-84, the speed limit’s on a different sign.”

The officer tells the old lady that she’s free to go, but as he’s turning back to his car he sees two other old women in the backseat. They look shellshocked, one gripping her armrest for dear life, and the other vacantly staring into the distance.

“Are your passengers all right?” asks the officer.

“Oh, don’t worry about them.” says the old lady. “They’ll be fine- we just got off the 205.”

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland

The sign said, "Disneyland left."

They started to cry and went home.

A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river, into a forest of trees.

Finally, he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now,” he said, “you see that tree over there?” “Yes, yes, yes!,” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good!,” said the first bat. “Because I fucking didn’t.”

Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump...

But i shouldn't compare apples and oranges.

Screaming Waitress

I was drinking at a local bar last night when a waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet.”

Everyone laughed… Well everyone except this one guy.

Chủ Nhật, 8 tháng 7, 2018

So I sent my friend 10 puns hoping that at least one of them would get a laugh out of him.

No pun in ten did.

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." The foreman points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"

"In the Sahara Forest." Replied the lumberjack.

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" Asked the foreman.

"That's why I'm here."

You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

God: How many animals are left to make?

Angel: 2

God: and how many legs do we have left?

Angel: 100

Centipede: dibs!

Snake: asshole

A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass

Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the manager said.

"But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree".

"Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the manager answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy feat, even for a car as large as it was.

One of the poor fellows turned to the Manager and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US,

He will be rolling in his grave.

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven.

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"

What is E.T. Short for?

Because he has small legs.

[NSFW] A hunter goes to the forest. He sees a bear and fires at it, but misses. The bear is nowhere to be seen.

Suddenly the bear taps him on his shoulder and says, "You tried to kill me, either I'll kill you or pull down your trousers and let me fuck you". The man chose life.

He goes home embarrassed, buys a bigger gun and goes back to hunt the bear. He sees it at a distance, fires, misses, the bear disappears in the thick brush only to pop up behind him a little later. The bear recognizes the hunter and says, "You know the choices."

The hunter, after being fucked again, brings a bazooka to get over his humiliation. He finds the bear, fires and falls back due to recoil. The smoke clears and the bear is standing over him, rubbing it's chin. "You don't come here for hunting, do you?"

What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?

The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.

Steve Ditko's Genius Made Him Something He Disdained — A Beloved Celebrity


Steve Ditko's Genius Made Him Something He Disdained — A Beloved Celebrity
For the artist who gave the world Spider-Man, the focus was entirely on his work, and he wanted other people's focus there, too.

July 8, 2018 at 01:45AM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2uaB2Dl

An ok dude dies and goes to heaven

Reaching the Pearly Gates, he sees Saint Peter, who stops him immediately. Saint Peter then says :

"Hey you, where do you think you're going ?"

"Inside", says the guy.

"Inside?" The Saint wonders. "Let me check my books for a while."

So, a couple minutes pass and he finally founds him.

"Hmm, I see. It appears that you are an ok dude, average, never done anything super bad or anything really good. So, to let you inside our fine establishment, you're gonna have to tell me a really nice thing you did that I might not know."

The guy thinks for a moment and says :

"Ok there Saint Peter, I'll tell you a story then. I was walking down a dark alley, when all of a sudden I saw about fifteen punks trying to rape a poor girl. It was awful. I sprinted all the way, and grabbed they heaviest thing I could find. I went to their leader and BLAM, I opened his head with this huge rock I found. I took 2 steps back and shouted to the others "Come on, you bastards!!! You either let her go or I'll finish you!!" "

Saint Peter amazed, his mouth open, says :

"Holy shit dude! You managed to take the other 14 punks all by yourself? How did we miss that? When did it happen?

"Oh well. About 5 minutes ago."

A woman asked me what a creampie was

I made sure to fill her in

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on". She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on". She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14. You are on 13". Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".

Why is 'Dark' spelled with a K and not a C?

Because you can't C in the dark.

Thứ Bảy, 7 tháng 7, 2018

Cigarettes are like hamsters

Totally harmless, until you stick one in your mouth and set it on fire.

Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. Beard

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…

“Oh really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!”

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened somewhat, felt his face and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon!”

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,

“You know, one would have been enough.”

A woman gets cheated by her husband.

A woman gets cheated by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed by that".

The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla Model S?

The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year

I used to think all black people had boomboxes

then I realized that was just a stereo type

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

By popular demand, we now have a discord server. Join this

How do you begin a politically incorrect joke?

President Ben Franklin walks into a bar...

Guys, I just figured out how to walk thorough walls!

Doors

What's the difference between me and cancer

My dad didn't beat cancer

Your penis is so small..

That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.

SURVIVAL OF THE RICHEST


SURVIVAL OF THE RICHEST
The CEO of a brokerage house explained to me that he had nearly completed building his own underground bunker system and asked, "How do I maintain authority over my security force after the event?"

July 6, 2018 at 06:50PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2IYrvV8

Atheist Bus Driver

(Turkish Joke, couldn't find it on Reddit, hopefully the translation does justice)

So I met a guy in jail whose nickname was "Atheist". I finally asked him why everyone called him this way; so he started telling his story:

"Well, I was a bus driver in our village. One day while driving on the mountain road our brakes failed. I turned the steering wheel to left and right many times to slow down the bus. We finally stopped at the edge of the cliff with handbrake. I looked around and all passengers were praying "God saved us". I told them, "I saved you, this is not about God." We started arguing... So I took the brake off, said "May God save you" and jumped off the bus."

Girls night out

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where theyshould meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator!

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.  

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.  

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.  

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

Thứ Sáu, 6 tháng 7, 2018

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?

A circus is a cunning array of stunts...

Do you know how Chris Brown’s girlfriend found out that he had been cheating on her?

She found another girl’s lipstick on his fist.

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

I would make a joke about greece's debt but...

I dont think it'll pay off.

A man is running around a lake and sees a girl with no arms or legs. He does his first lap, and sees she is sad.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"Well, I have no arms, no legs and I have never given anyone a hug."

He thought and gave her a hug. He did another lap. She was crying.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"Well, I have no arms, no legs and I have never kissed anyone."

He thought and figured it wouldn't hurt. He gave her a kiss.

He did his final lap and she was bawling.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"Well I have no arms, no legs, and never been fucked."

He thought long and hard. He picked her up, looked at her, and figured why not.

He threw her in the lake and yelled, "Now you're fucked aren't you?"

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, "what would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

A woman’s on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, "How’s my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat’s dead."

The woman’s upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t get her down."

"Okay, I’m sorry," says the husband, "I’ll remember that."

The woman says, "Anyway, how’s my mother doing?"

The husband says, "Your mother’s on the roof and we can’t get her down."

A priest goes to the barbershop and asks how much a trim would cost.

The barber answers, "oh, you're a holy man, I can't charge anything." He gives the priest a trim, the priest thanks him, and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

After a few weeks, an imam comes to the shop. He asks the barber how much it would cost for a beard trim and waxing. The barber answers, "you're a holy man, I simply could not ask you to pay anything." The imam thanks him for the service and leaves. The next day, the barber finds some gold coins on his doorstep.

A few weeks pass and a rabbi comes to the store and asks how much a haircut would be. The barber tells him, "I could not charge you anything as you are a holy man." The rabbi thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the barber finds 12 rabbis in a line on his doorstep.

What do you call a pizza place run by epileptic midgets?

Little seizures.

A blonde got fed up with all the Blonde jokes......

So she cut her hair short and dyed it black. Bought a snazzy convertible and went driving through the countryside. On a back country road, she drove up to a large flock of sheep that were slowly crossing the road. As she sat there watching the flock she saw the farmer standing there. She said “Hey I’ll bet you, if I can guess how many sheep you have in this flock, how about you give me one? “Ok” he said, “give it a try.” She stood in the seat and surveyed the flock and said “You have 347 sheep!” The farmer was amazed as he had exactly 347 sheep. He told her to pick her one out, and picked a really cute one. As she was putting it into her car. The farmer said “Wait a minute, how about if I can guess what color your hair really is you give me my dog back?”

My friend told me that I didn’t understand how to use irony.

It was really ironic, since we were at the bus stop at the time.

This Helicopter Video Of Illegal Fireworks Going Off All Across Los Angeles Is Incredible


This Helicopter Video Of Illegal Fireworks Going Off All Across Los Angeles Is Incredible
Angelenos were quick to disregard the city's fireworks laws, and we're not complaining, because this is spectacular.

July 5, 2018 at 09:12PM
via Digg https://ift.tt/2lUPUlq

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”

A good workman doesn't blame his fools

*tools.

Stupid keyboard.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once - nothing; twice - the Indian shivers a bit; thrice - the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?"

The Russian: "The Indian, of course".

Material girl

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

Thứ Năm, 5 tháng 7, 2018

At what frequency does laughter become painful

1 gigglehurts

Two men with Alzheimer’s at the bech

Edit: *Beach (haha)

....they are peckish and want some food.

The first man (Bob) says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?”

Carl: Sure what do you want? Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now.

Carl starts to leave...

Bob: Now you will remember what I want? Carl: Yes, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Bob: Correct

Carl walks a little further...

Bob: Don’t forget now Carl Carl: I won’t, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce

Carl is nearly at the ice cream van

Bob: Carl?!!! DON’T FORGET WHAT I WANT!!!! Carl: I WON’T, VANILLA ICE CREAM, CONE, FLAKE AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE...

A little while Carl walks back with 2 burgers.

Bob: Fucks sake Carl where’s my fries??!

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

Oral sex might just work!

A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a comatose woman. She is gently sponging her nether region when suddenly the monitor blips.

“Doctor!” she exclaims, “look at this!”

The doctor comes in, she does it again, and the monitor blips again.

“Interesting,” says the doctor. “Call her husband.”

So, the husband comes in and the doctor explains what happened and says to him, “this might sound crazy, but we think that oral sex just might snap her out of her coma.”

Her husband says, “really? Well, if you think so.”

So, they close the curtain and let the husband do his thing. After about two minutes the monitor flatlines. The staff come rushing in, tries to resuscitate her, but it’s too late.

The doctor turns turns to the husband and says, “I wonder what happened. Did you notice anything?”

The man pulls up his pants and says, “Maybe she choked?”

A man walks into a bar......

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman “if I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says “sure , Impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!”

So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well.

The little man walks up to the piano and starts playing !

The barman was blown away by this and agrees to the drinks and asks”where did you find him?”

“Well “says the man, “I found this magic lamp”Goes back in to the box and pulls out this old brass oil lamp.

“I rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted me one wish and then he said I must pass the lamp on to the next person that did me a kindness”

“Wow” says the barman.

The man then says “as you gave me a drink I’m going to let you have the lamp”

“Be careful what you wish for tho”

So the barman rubs the lamp and then makes his wish………

Next thing the bar has ducks everywhere!!! Crapping on the bar and the floor and all over the customers!!!!!

The barman shouts at the man saying,” I wished for a million Bucks! not a million ducks!“

To this the man reply’s” And you think that I wished for a 12 inch Pianist?! “

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet.

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?!

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

     The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

     The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."